SJL Metal - the Nut-Suck Edition

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Here is where the card goes.  The most exciting part of this show should be guessing which matches won't exist by the time you get to them.

 

SJL Metal May 22nd

Arena: The Gund Arena!

 

Singles Match - Send to Longdogger_Pete

Creed vs. T-Bone

- Newbie Creed faces off against the no showing T-Bone. Fun awaits.

- Word Limit: 3000

 

Singles Match - Send to Longdogger_Pete

"The Franchise" Mak Francis vs. Cutthroat

- Mak is undefeated I believe. Cutthroat has barely picked up a win. Will the trends continue, or be reversed?

- Word Limit: 3500

 

Lion's Den Match - Send to TheBostonStrangler

Jacob Helmsley vs. Scott Reid

- Jacob is none too happy at Scott after Scott took out poor Jakey last week. Needless to say, what better place to get retribution than in a Lion's Den? I think you both know what they are - a small mat, away from the ring, with caged walls. Winner is the first man to get out without being attacked by his opponent.

- Word Limit: 5000

 

World Title #1 Contendership No DQ Elimination Match 1 - Send to Edwin MacPhisto

Flexxx vs. Z vs. Frost vs. "Deathwish" Danny Williams

- Word Limit: 6500

 

World Title #1 Contendership No DQ Elimination Match 2 - Send to Suicide King

Xero vs. Mafia vs. Ash Ketchum vs. Tod deKindes

- Word Limit: 6500

 

- Well damn, these are certainly funky. The winners of these matches will go on to face Durandal next week for a triple threat shot at that little piece of gold known as the world title. When when it's No DQ, things get fun. Match 1 will have Danny Williams trying to get retribution for Crimson's European title loss to Frost, whilst match 2 will have the rivalry of Xero vs. Ash continue. Tod deKindes gets a huge break, and could be a change at an upset.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

The crowd roars apathetically as T-Bone and Creed make their way into the ring.

 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Jay Dawg leaps from the crowd!

 

Edwin: My god!  That's Jay Dawg, SWF US and Tag Champion!

 

T-Bone and Creed look up from giving each other hand jobs just as JD leaps into the ring, drops trou, and gives both men a powerful Blinky!

 

(Editor's note: If you don't know what a blinky is, IM Edwin at Friar Funk and he'll tell you.  You might throw up, though!)

 

Axis: Damn!  That was impressive!

 

Jay Dawg picks up a microphone, as well as his pants!

 

Jay Dawg: You heard me, bitches!  JL loooooves the cock!

 

King: Me too, JD.  Me too.

 

Brian Applewhite: Paul, you slimy little bastard, I'm gonna kick you in the nuts for that one.

 

Edwin: Who is this 'Paul' you speak of?

 

King: I don't know, but I sure love the cock.

 

Ohio-Man: Pauledwin, you are a dead slut.

 

JD: SPLOOOGE!

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Fade in on Durandal sitting in his locker room before the show. He sits idly in his Clan robe, black pants, white oxford shirt and Doc Marten combat boots. As always, his hair is spiked and he wears a facial expression that shows a mix of nausea and angst, his belt hanging over his shoulder. He sits, writing with his right hand, idly toying with his icepick with the other. Suddenly, he hears a knock at the door. He looks up, and standing in the doorway is the Insane Luchador, Andrew Rickmen.

 

"Plague..." says Durandal, "what brings you by the Clan's dressing room this early? You're not even on the card."

 

"I'm hanging out... the guys are around. Solidarity, I guess. You?"

 

"I find out my number-one contenders. I'd be a fool not to be here. So what can we do for you?"

 

Luchador shifts his weight uncomfortably. "Well, Tom..."

 

"Durandal!"

 

"Well, actually, it's about the name. Me and Flexxx were talking, and, well..." Rickmen looks over and sees the World Champion staring icily at him. "Well... um..." It's clear that Rickmen is not only intimidated by his partner in crime, but also doesn't want to share why he came to the room.

 

"ANDREW!"

 

"It's a stupid name, Tom."

 

Durandal shifts in his chair. He stares angrily at the ground, seething. "Andrew, do you know how many people have felt the need to share that with me in the past week?" Rickmen shakes his head. "EVERYONE!"

 

The World Champion gets up and grabs his black messenger bag. He opens it, reaches in, and pulls out two books - the epic Sword Of Roland and the Idiot's Guide To Marathon.

 

"Andrew, I advise you read these. Read them carefully, and come see me when you're done."

 

Rickmen looks uncomfortable. "I'm really busy. What's the gist of it?"

 

Durandal gets up and spins the Luchador around, sitting him down in the chair. Holding his icepick like Bob Dole holding a pen, and using it to point for emphasis, he begins to tell a story.

 

"Long ago, Andrew, there was a Frankish general named Roland, and Durandal was his sword. Roland was commissioned to lead a phalanx of soldiers against the Basques. He brought his troops, his horn and Durandal. When they arrived, he found that he was horribly outnumbered, and twinges of panic began to gnaw at his stomach. Still, he did not retreat, and he did not blow his horn to summon backup. Do you know what happened, Andrew?"

 

A smile spreads across Luchador's face. "I bet he fought hard, and his soldiers ripped the Basques to shreds."

 

"EVERY MAN DIED!!!!!" Durandal stares daggers at Rickmen. "He was too proud to summon help! And in the end, when he was about to die, and he blew his horn, it was too late! He broke Durandal, and he was killed brutally."

 

Rickmen's face falls. "You mean..."

 

"Needless bloodshed. The Franks were powerful and could have easily defeated the Basques, but in the end, Roland's pride caused him to die. The neglected sword was deadly, but in the end it was broken, kept from serving its only purpose."

 

Rickmen looks a bit confused. "But... what's your-"

 

"The belt, Andrew. I'm here to protect the belt."

 

The proverbial lightbulb goes on over Rickmen's head as a smile creeps across Durandal's face.

 

"As for the other book... go see Edwin."

 

Fade to commercial.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

[Fade in]

A panning shot of the Gund arena in Cleveland Ohio is shown as SJL METAL comes back form commercial break. Axis sits between Edwin MacPhisto and The Suicide King as they zoom into the announce table.

 

Axis: Hello everyone, and we're back live from the Gund Arena for SJL METAL. I’m you ring side announcer along with to my left and right respectively are “The Crown Prince of Flash and Panache”…Edwin MacPhisto and Former SWF World Champion…”The King of Hearts”…The Suicide King.  

 

MacPhisto: Our next match-up is a return bout, from two Crimson’s ago. This match puts Cutthroat against “The Franchise” Mak Francis in what’s sure to be a quality contest. I booked it after all.

 

King: I know Mak’s good and everything but who wants to talk about that when Durandal’s movin’ on up. His first match in the SWF at a PAY-PER-VIEW, no less!

 

Axis: Well yes it is a nice occasion when a Junior Leaguer moves up. In fact a surprise Junior is moving up also but we can only speculate on whom it may be.

 

King: I’m Stubby’s right hand man so I know who it is. I’d tell you but it would ruin the fact that I know and you don’t MacPhisto.

 

MacPhisto: That’s okay I’ll just talk to Stubby later. Anyways back to important stuff like my World Title match…

 

Axis: Let’s move on to our second match of this young night.   “The Franchise” Mak Francis v Cutthroat on SJL METAL. The Franchise is coming off a title shot and a disqualification win against the TV champion Taylor Nicholas Thompson, after that brutal attack from him and “Deathwish” Danny Williams.

 

King: That’s two straight ass kicking’s on back-to-back SJL shows.

 

MacPhisto: Cutthroat hasn’t seen action since his last match-up with Francis where he received a devastating Fisherman’s buster for his trouble. Cutthroat’s looking to knock this rookie back in his place and is out for some revenge as we bring you…”The Franchise” Mak Francis v Cutthroat!

 

Funyon gets ready and the crowd gets ready as “Down with the Sickness” plays in the background. Blue and White lights flash, as the words ‘Are you Ready’ fly across the smarktron, a digitized voice repeats them. At the part where the band first yells, the digitized voice screams ‘Cause the Franchise is Here’. The smarktron flashes the words 'The Franchise'. This is followed by a blue and white photonegative image of Mak Francis and he comes out. A semi-loud “Franchise” chant breaks out as he walks down to ringside and noticeably without Tyler Kinkel. He smoothly enters through the middle ropes and Francis poses in the center of the ring raising his hands in a salute to the SJL fanatics. His gash that has been reopened two shows in a row has been re-bandaged  

 

Funyon: This match-up is scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring first…weighing in tonight at 225 pounds…from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania…”The Franchise” Mak Francis!

 

Axis: This kids as hot as anyone in the fed coming off three straight wins-

 

MacPhisto: In his last match against Cutthroat I made a comment about Francis not even being worth the league minimum but he seems to be proving me wrong with three straight victories.

 

King: Although the last was a disqualification he’s ready to win tonight. But you have to wonder if he can pick up the win without mentor Tyler Kinkel by his side. Kinkel was injured last Crimson by a powerbomb off the apron from TNT and should be back by Mak’s side sooner than later.

 

Suddenly, There is an instantaneous blackout through out the entire arena with an electric sound and then a pause; only the light rhythms of a song can be heard. Then, an explosion fills the entrance with enchanting silver light and all the lights slowly flash a blue, and it paints the entire arena in a steel blue, as a thunderclap echoes through the arena with segues into Our Lady Peace’s “Whatever” blasting through the speakers and rocking the arena to it’s very core. Then Cutthroat pulls back the curtain with Clair to meet the millions of earth shattering cheers, yell, wooos, and many other rants and other sounds along with them, all coming from his millions of fans as the lights flash in rhythm with the music. Cutthroat makes his way down the ramp with Clair by his side. He slows down and slaps the hands of the audience members while Clair takes the other side. Cutthroat slides into the ring and does his ritual as Clair waits patently down at ringside. He jumps up onto the second rope, and throws his arms up into the air and absorbs all the cheers from his million of Cutthroatholics. Then he takes his shirt and shades off giving them Clair.

 

Funyon: And his opponent accompanied to the ring by Clair…weighing in at 214 pounds…from Greenwich, Connecticut…”The Extremist” Cutthroat!!”

 

Axis: Cutthroat looking well rested after two shows off. He’s definitely the fresher of the two men as Francis has been beat six ways from Sunday. The two men circle the ring as, after Kivell checks for illegal objects, this match-up will be underway.

 

True to Axis’s words Kivell asks for the bell after the quick check. Francis and Cutthroat start things off with a traditional collar and elbow tie. Francis out weighting Cutthroat by about ten pounds pushes the taller man around the ring until Cutthroat hits a knee to his gut. Francis doubled over from the quick strike receives a few rapid-fire punches to the side of the head. Cutthroat latches on to Francis’s wrist and whips him into the far ropes. Upon his return Cutthroat connects with a back elbow and lands a knee drop after a little shake rattle and roll for the crowd’s enjoyment. Cutthroat goes for the lateral press and Kivell drops to the mat…

 

One…

 

Two…

 

Axis: And Francis kicks out right after two from the first pin fall attempt of this young match-up.

 

MacPhisto: Surprisingly, Cutthroat’s been very aggressive in the beginning of this match-up. Although it’s his style you could say that it be easier to elongate the match and wear Francis down.

 

King: Maybe I should tell Clair that and she can relay it to him! Hey Clair! Clair!

 

Axis: Don’t you remember what happened last time?

 

MacPhisto: He’s been turned down so many times that he’s been desensitized to it…Zing!

 

Axis: That’s the first time you’ve said Zing in a Francis match-up…

 

MacPhisto: Most people learn but quite frankly he never does…Zing!

 

King: You suck and as deputy-

 

Axis: Don’t you say it King…

 

Cutthroat picks Francis up from the mat and after a few punches whips him into the ropes. Francis rebounds back quickly with bad intensions and a clothesline but Cutthroat ducks. Francis skids to a stop and turns around about to be hit by a lighting fast spinning roundhouse kick to his previously hurt forehead but he evades the kick is face to face with his opponent. After a jab to the stomach, he locks both hands about Cutthroats neck, and rotates slowly dropping "The Extremists" neck over his shoulder as he sits down. Cutthroat cradles his neck as Clair shouts words of encouragement but Francis, all ready starting to breath harder, attempts a pin trying to take advantage of the situation…

 

One…

 

Two…

 

Axis: And a kick-out by Cutthroat. He’s definitely the fresher of the two men and it shows here. Francis looking like a man in need of a good nights sleep and after some fast paced action and we’re only four or five minutes into the match.

 

MacPhisto: Good execution on the hangman’s neckbreaker by Francis. Get it…hangman…execution…Zing!

 

King: This just in…MacPhisto’s bad puns have caused the SJL ratings to drop 5 points, but then again Cutthroat’s involved in this match so…

 

Axis: King, that’s ridiculous! Neither Cutthroat nor Edwin’s involvement in this match could cause such a ratings drop.

 

King: It was a joke you penal colony reject. I should smack you for ruining my comedic stylings'! Better yet I’ll do this!

 

[King reaches across Axis and smacks MacPhisto because his witty barb was ruined by Axis. The two men fight like little five year olds having a slap fight while Axis steadily gets more and more upset.]

 

Axis: [growling] Go to the match while I handle this…

 

Francis instead of bringing Cutthroat up “The Franchise” snitches in a reverse chin-lock. Francis leans on Cutthroat as he regains his breath. Clair starts banging on the mat and the Cutthroat fans follow the prompt by cheering “Franchise Sucks!!!…Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap!” Cutthroat tries to feed off the energy of the crowd and is slowly starting to stir.

 

King: Hey Clair, stop all that banging of mat and come over to my place for some banging of you head against my bedstead.

 

[Clair, hearing this comment comes over to the announce table and asks for a headset. She puts it on and starts to speak while still watching Cutthroat struggle.]

 

Clair: So King you really thing I’m hot…

 

[she spins around showing off her nice figure and the crowd pops in approval.  Then she leans in over the table showing King some cleavage, which is surprising because most sports bra’s don’t allow that, as Cutthroat starts fighting back to one knee.]

 

Clair: Okay I’ll sit in your lap if you want me too. It’s always been a dream of mine, if you really want to know.

 

[King pats his lap and Clair sits across it much to the surprise of the crowd.]

 

Cutthroat’s seemingly weakened by this and gets pushed back down to the canvas as the crowd starts to quiet.

 

King: Your real pretty…Cutthroat’s my favorite wrestler now…

 

Axis: Brother, what a letch!

 

All of a sudden Clair plants a small peck on the corner of the King’s mouth and he starts quivering in excitement. He starts letting out small groans as it seems that Clair has rubbed her rump against something that expands quickly but as she does King starts shaking in his seat making a “eh” noise causing Clair to get up off his lap. King falls out of his chair and starts twitching on the ground, repeating the noise, as Clair laughs at the former World Champion.

 

Clair: I think I’ll sit on a real mans lap now!

 

Somewhere in a SWF locker room Da Pound laughs at King as somebody mentions something about the movie “Blankman”.

 

She walks over to Edwin and sits in his lap while the fan roar in approval. Suddenly “The Extremist” is re-energized and gets to his vertical base by delivering elbows to Francis’s gut. Cutthroat grabs Francis and whips him into the corner. He follows up with martial arts kicks to the right knee and right midsection. Then a springboard karate kick under the chin, which drops Francis to the bottom of the corner. Cutthroat moves back to the center of the ring and after a quick sprint hits a flipping dropkick to the forehead of “The Franchise”. Kivell counts after Cutthroat drags Francis out of the corner and covers…

 

One…

 

 

Two…

 

 

Thr-

 

Axis: And a shoulder up by Francis. The quick kicks from Cutthroat bring the advantage back to him. And Francis’s blood is starting to soak through that padding.

 

MacPhisto: Smart move by your man attacking the injured knee and head of Francis. His kicks aren’t just quick…they’re sudden.

 

King: [still shaking on the ground]…

 

Clair: Am I that hot a ma-ma?

 

MacPhisto: [starting to shake as she rubs up against him]…”eh”…Zing…

 

Edwin suddenly befalls the same fate as King and is left convulsing on the floor as Clair looks at Axis with a quizzical look. She walks towards him but Axis waves her off very quickly.

 

Axis: I’d rather not make a fool of myself like these two jokers so I’ll just ogle you from afar…um…I guess I’m color commentary too now…Zing?

 

Clair walks over to Funyon but he’s too busy blushing at a wallet-sized picture of Sydney Sky with a red lipstick on it that says Love Ya, Sky! Clair walks to the crowd and gives a 14 year old boy Cutthroat’s glasses who promptly passes out from her accidentally showing a little of her cleavage.

 

Axis: She’s even causing the crowd to pass out. Back to the match…

 

Cutthroat picks Francis up of the canvas and whips him into the ropes. Francis comes back and goes over Cutthroat, now lying down on the mat, and bounces back towards him. Cutthroat’s unprepared as Francis connects with a flying forearm taking back the momentum. Cutthroat rises back to his feet only receive a kick to his stomach but he blocks Francis’s foot and hits a spinning wheel kick. Cutthroat goes for the pin as Kivell starts to count and…

 

One…

 

 

Two…

 

 

Th-

 

Axis: And a shoulder up by Francis. You can tell Mak’s really hurting. What do you have to say King…Edwin?

 

King & MacPhisto…”eh”…

 

Axis: Well I guess I should say something like Mak’s in need of a momentum shifter. Some type of move that gets him back into the action or can get him the quick win. I would say that his superkick is the best bet for that.

 

Cutthroat brings Francis to the standing position but “The Franchise” executes a drop toehold and moves behind his opponent. Francis grabs on in a waist lock preparing for a German suplex but Cutthroat executes a standing switch now holding a waist lock of his own. He muscles the heavier Francis directly over top and sends him crashing to the canvas on his neck and shoulders after a wonderful looking suplex. He ends the maneuver with a bridge and Kivell falls to the mat to count…

 

One…

 

 

 

Two…

 

 

 

 

Three…

 

[Clair comes back over to the announce table, sitting in Edwin’s seat and putting the headset she wore earlier on.]

 

Axis: And Francis gets a shoulder off the mat. He’s really fighting to keep his win streak. I’m surprised that he’s still kicking out with the amount of punishment that the kid’s taken over the past week and a half. And on a wholly separate note if Clair sits on my lap I think no one will be calling this match.

 

Clair: You sure Axis…I think you’re the cutest out of the commentators.

 

Axis: [blushing] I think I’ll hold off until after the match is done being called. And besides I’m sky high for Sydney Sky…

 

Cutthroat goes to the top rope as a woozy Francis gets to his feet. The crowds camera’s simultaneously go off as Cutthroat soars through the air and lands on Francis in perfect position for a top rope Hurricanrana. Francis blocks the attack attempt by Cutthroat and spins 360 degrees dropping down into a sit-out powerbowb! Kivell slides into position and…

 

One…

 

 

 

 

Two…

 

 

 

 

 

Three

 

Axis: Or maybe a spinning powerbomb…Cutthroat clips the ears of Francis with his calves breaking the near fall and getting the shoulder up! Amazing effort by Cutthroat considering he just kicked out of a spinning sit-out powerbomb. Although it seems as if Francis didn’t get full impact as he was too tired to add any extra power into the move. It’s very rare for Francis to attempt any type of powerbomb at all.

 

Clair: [looking at Cutthroat who gives her a signal] Well Blaine always gives it a hundred and ten percent. I wasn’t worried at all. So Axis, how about that lap dance.

 

Axis: Lap dance? Please don’t tease me I have to call the match…Lap dance…

 

Clair: Okay, I’ll just dance on the table then…

 

Clair gets up from her set and gets on the table gyrating in front of Axis. Axis continues to call the match but everyone can tell it’s a losing battle as he and even Francis now up on his feet are staring at her. King wakes up and falls back into a spasming heap after seeing the table dance. Cutthroat sees a wave by Clair and promptly goes for a schoolboy, which finally gets everyone’s attention. The fans cheer for Cutthroat and mostly Clair as she jumps down off the table and Kivell counts…

 

One…

 

 

 

Two…

 

 

 

 

Three-

 

Axis:  I guess Francis kicked-out but I don’t really care about that. Um…can you dance some more?

 

Clair: Maybe later…

 

Francis wisely rolls towards the ropes to try and regroup, while Cutthroat lays the boots to his rolling opponent. Kivell backs Cutthroat away and Francis gets to his feet on the outside of the ropes. Cutthroat rushes in and after a shoulder block to the gut, grabs Francis in a front face lock. He powers Francis up but “The Franchise” floats over the top and latches on the Million Dollar Exemption. He drags Cutthroat away from the ropes, which he had a hand on, falling backwards as Cutthroat reaches toward the ropes one last time and…

 

 

 

 

Axis: He’s tapping out-

 

Clair: But Kivell can’t see it luckily. He was knocked out when Francis fell backwards. We’re still in the game.

 

Axis: That’s Z lucky, a ref getting knocked out as he’s tapping out.

 

Clair: Stuff happens, whatcha gonna do about it?

 

Francis releases the hold in a rookie mistake and raises his hands in victory. Cutthroat stands wheezing while Francis turns around and sees the dropped ref. Francis realizing his mistake grabs Cutthroat in a front face lock and cradles the leg looking for the Franchise Tag. While all this is happening Clair gets up out of her seat and sprints towards the apron. She climbs to the top turnbuckle. The crowd cheers in approval. Francis tries to lift Cutthroat but his knee shakes each time he attempts to pick Cutthroat up. Francis gives up and turns around wondering if the crowd’s cheering because Clair’s dancing again and instead turns around into a spinning DDT from her off the top rope.

 

Axis: Well I guess since she modified his catchphrase it’s okay for here to modify his top rope spinning DDT. Clair with perfect execution on perfection personified. And both men are down.

 

Clair for about the fifth time in the match sits next to Axis acting like the color commentary. She prompts the crowd and the mob starts repeating “Franchise Sucks!!!…Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap!” Finally one loyal Francis fanatic voice rings out above all the rest. “The Franchise doesn’t suck…you suck!” The rest of crowd follows this fan in a “Franchise” cheer as the wrestlers get to their feet in the ring. Cutthroat and Francis square off but Cutthroat gets in the first attack and it’s a kick to the right knee of Francis. He repeatedly kicks at the knee until it collapses on Francis.

 

Axis: It was wonderful the way you soared through the air and hit that DDT.

 

Clair: You’re not mad at me for interfering?

 

Axis: Nah, it’s okay. You’re such a nice person for offering me a…lap dance…and I never liked Francis much anyways. So, is that still on for after the match.

 

Clair: Blaine, using good tactics as he’s hitting the injured knee of Francis from Crimson. He’s picking this rookie Francis apart.

 

Cutthroat plants Francis with a DDT in the center of the ring. “The Extremist” climbs the top turnbuckle and leaps off pumping his arm and leg inward connecting with the Five Star Frog Splash! He bounces back into the air from the sheer velocity and lands back down on a hurt Francis. Cutthroat covers as the crowd counts past three. Kivell stirs and crawls over making the count…

 

One…

 

 

 

Two…

 

 

 

 

 

Three!

 

 

 

Clair: He got the shoulder up! He kicked-out of the frog splash! What does Blaine have to do to this guy?

 

A surprised and pacing Cutthroat now irate runs at a shakily standing Francis but he falls victim to a Hot shot on the top cable. Cutthroat holds his previously hurt throat and stumbles back into a schoolboy by Francis. Kivell is already in position as Cutthroat tries to get free…

 

One…

 

 

Two…

 

 

 

Three!

 

Funyon: The winner of this match…”The Franchise” Mak Francis!

 

Clair: I can’t believe Blaine lost after all that to a schoolboy pin. It ironic that after all the big maneuvers that were hit, a roll up wins the match. I’m so upset that he lost I think I’ll cheer myself and our fans up…

 

Clair straddles Axis and starts giving him a lap dance as the crowd forgets all about their fallen hero in the ring and cheer for Clair. Edwin finally gets back up and upon seeing what’s happening, joins Suicide King spasming on the ground. Axis is the only announcer not on the floor as Funyon’s now drooling over his Sydney Sky photo like an idiot.

 

Clair: I’m surprised you’re not on the floor by now. You’re the only real man at the announce table.

 

Axis:  [about to faint] I guess I’m the only real man here. Uh…cut to a commercial, I don’t want the television audience see me pass out…

 

[Fade to commercial]

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

As SJL Metal returns from commercial, the nearly-empty Gund Arena remains almost completely silent. As the camera changes from a shot of two fans doing the hokey pokey in the front row, Axis¡¦ voice cuts in.

 

Axis: Edwin, goddammit, why are we booked in the Gund Arena AGAIN?

 

King: Aussie Boy has a good point! I mean, I criticize everything you do, but this is insane! This is the fourth time in six weeks we¡¦ve been here!

 

Edwin: Cleveland just has a certain je ne sais quoi¡K

 

King: Cleveland also has a SJL fan base with the passion of Expos fans! There¡¦s nobody here, you jackass!

 

Edwin: Well, you see¡K.

 

Axis: Edwin, the Gund Arena just hired these event security people as full-time employees! And the valet knows my name!

 

Edwin: Axis, maybe that¡¦s because you¡¦re famous?

 

King: Bah. No one knows the dirty ugly Aussie¡¦s name.

 

Axis: Shut up, King. Anyways, right now, we have a rare Lion¡¦s Den match between the brash newcomer Scott Rudd, and veteran Jacob Helmsley, who was attacked by Rudd the other night!

 

Edwin: Axis, don¡¦t you mean Scott REID?

 

Axis: Who cares? He¡¦ll either be gone in two weeks or a bigger jobber than Cutthroat.

 

Edwin: Can¡¦t argue with that.

 

Axis: Anyways, Jacob requested this match, and these two men are ready to rumble! Let¡¦s head to the corner of the arena, where Funyon and our newest JL referee are standing by to get this match underway!

 

King: I need a cigarette¡K

 

As King starts asking people in the front row for a cigarette, and Edwin starts to lecture on the evils of smoking to a random toddler, the camera cuts to Funyon standing next to the referee, a rather ordinary looking person. Suddenly, ¡§Who Let the Dogs Out?¡¨ by the Baha Men hits, and Scott Reid comes walking up on stage, looking angrily at the tech people behind the curtain. As he screams ¡§That¡¦s not my goddamn music, you fucking morons!¡¨, he angrily stomps down the ramp, walks back to the Lion¡¦s Den, and enters the Den.

 

Funyon: Making his way to the ring, weighing in at less than Axis¡K.

 

Axis: Hey!

 

King: Heh¡K

 

Funyon: ¡Khe is from somewhere¡KI think it¡¦s Venezuela¡K.SCOTT RUDD!

 

Reid stomps into the Den, furious about the treatment he¡¦s getting. As he chats up the plain-looking ref, ¡§Who Let the Dogs Out?¡¨ stops, and a group of children singing ¡§The Itsy Bitsy Spider¡¨ comes over the system. One of the 7 people left in the Gund Arena wakes from his nap, listens to a few seconds of the music, and then falls asleep immediately as Jacob Helmsley appears on the ramp. Jake starts to play to the essentially empty arena before he trips over his own feet, and falls flat on his face.

 

Helmsley rolls on his side until he reaches the bottom of the ramp, and then picks himself up and continues onward to the Den.

 

Funyon: Now rolling his way to the ring, weighing in at 5 pounds, 4 ounces, from the planet Krypton, HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY! Wha¡Koh, yeah. JACOB HELMSLEY!

 

As he steps inside the door, the commonplace referee locks the door, and the ring bell sounds to start the match.

 

DING DING DING!

 

Axis: And we¡¦re underway!

 

The two men run at each other, but before they reach, the referee steps forward and levels both men with a vicious clothesline! As the referee rips off his ref shirt to reveal an ordinary black tank top, the crowd¡K..continues to nap. But Axis seems to care, as the camera zooms in to reveal¡K

 

Axis: JOHNNY GENERIC! MY GOD! HOW DID WE NOT NOTICE THIS?

 

Edwin: He must have used his Super Duper Panda Genericity Power to blend in!

 

King: Just had to throw in the damn panda¡K

 

Generic¡¦s clothesline has left both men gasping for air on the floor of the Lion¡¦s Den. Generic begins to scale the wall of the cage, moving at an average speed up the side. Generic positions himself above the two men, and prepares to fall to the mat with a generic double body drop, when ¡§Antipop¡¨ by Primus starts to blare over the speakers, and a spotlight is fixed on the catwalk. Generic looks up, and sees a figure streaking from the ceiling before landing a HUGE dropkick to Generic¡¦s head. Generic drops to the mat, crushing Jake and Reid in the process, as the figure dressed purely in black and covered in tattoos pulls off his mask, revealing¡K.

 

Axis: Mr. Galatea! Galatea is back, and he wants his rightful place! And the fans are going wild!

 

„h cut to a shot of one of the fans signaling to a soda vendor, and the others sleeping *

 

King: Edwin, look out!  I think the crowd might be out of control!

 

Edwin: Shut up, King. At least I¡¦m a real commish.

 

King: Yeah, but at least I¡¦m¡Kuh¡K.I¡¦m¡K.um¡K..dead sexy!

 

Axis: Just three more years until retirement¡K Just three more years until retirement¡K Just three more years until retirement¡K

 

Galatea drops to the mat when suddenly someone comes bursting through one of the walls of the cage, spearing Galatea into the mat with a sickening thud. As the new intruder walks toward Galatea, while ¡§accidentally¡¨ kicking Jake and Reid in the balls, he brings his head up, revealing¡K

 

Axis: The Elk! The Elk has returned, and he just wiped out Galatea!

 

Edwin: Jesus, Strangler¡KI mean CC¡K..is real lazy tonight! How many other jobber fighters is he¡K.I mean CC¡Kgonna bring back anyway?

 

Just as Edwin says that, a huge smashing sounds comes from the other side of the arena. The entire wall comes crashing down, revealing a monstrous 20 foot tall creature.

 

Axis: BEINGS G0R0! OMGODZ@&$%!*&

 

KIGN: OMGODZ@*$^(*@! I BEIGNS LOVIGNZ G0R0#&^&!@&*^*&%*@&%&

 

SYNTHIA: I BEIGNS COMMENTATTTORZ#(^

 

G0R0 comes stalking down to the ring, and grabs Generic, Galatea, and the Elk in one fell swoop.

 

G0R0: I BEIGSN ZELLINGZ J00 2 Z00! OMGODZ, G0R0 BEIGNZ FUNNIE#*(^@!($

 

JR: BAH GAWD! G0R0 BEIGNZ MORE FUNNIERS THAN MI BBQQ SA\/\/CE!

 

As G0R0 begins to brawl with the three men, who start to fight back, G0R0 accidentally steps on one of the supports for the Lion¡¦s Den, which starts to teeter. As Axis looks on in fright, Edwin and King argue over whether Toucan Sam or Cocoa the Monkey was the better cereal spokesman, and the crowd returns to their slumber, the Lion¡¦s Den collapses, crushing Jake and Reid inside.

 

Axis: Oh my God! The two men were inside there! Those are innocent people!

 

King: Not really. They no-showed their match.

 

Axis: Wait, THAT¡¦S why all of this happened?

 

Edwin: But of course! I mean, if this were a REAL match, King and I would have held off our Best of 7 fake fart noise competition until after the show!

 

King: * farts *

 

Edwin: Axis, I dunno if I can beat that¡K

 

Axis: Well, obviously Jake and Reid couldn¡¦t¡K.anyways, let¡¦s get to a commercial, and hopefully things will go back to normal. If not, then pray to your deity of choice.

 

King: I call Shawn Michaels!

 

Edwin: I call Panda!

 

King: * farts *

 

Axis: And King takes the lead. We¡¦ll be right back.

 

*fade to commercial for Edwin and King's Cookbook for Evil Charities and Pandas*

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

The camera fades back in on Metal to find every fan in their seats and every fan screaming their heads off for the colossal battles to come.  The camera swoops through the crowd like an eagle and comes to rest just in front of the commentator’s table.  King is talking on a cell phone as Axis straightens up in his seat and addresses the camera.

 

Axis: “For those of you just joining us, you have picked the right time to turn on your t.v. sets as we are about ready to go into the first half of our double main event; a quadruple threat, no dq elimination match.”

 

Edwin: “The winner of which will face Durandle, or whatever he’s calling himself this week, on Crimson for the SJL World title along with the winner of our second quadruple threat match later on this evening.”

 

King: (talking into cell phone)  “Flex is at 3-1, how about Frost….5-1, not bad put a fin on him.  Who’s the longshot?…of course Z, but what’s the odds…you don’t know because they ran out of zeros to mark it on the board.”

 

Edwin: “Jimmy the Geek, would you care to rejoin the broadcast team?”

 

King: “Gotta run, Mom, see you at the dog track Thursday.”  (King hangs up his cell phone.)

 

(Camera cuts to Funyon in the ring with microphone in hand.)

 

Funyon: “Our next match is the first half of our World Title number one contender ship main event.  It is under elimination rules with no disqualifications in affect.  Our first competitor weighs in at 238lbs. and hails from Louisville, Kentucky.  He is a former 2 time European champion, this is “Deathwish” Danny Willllllllllllllllllllllllllllllliaaaaaaaaaaaams!”

 

“Calculating Infinity” blasts over the loudspeakers and the crowd tries to match its volumes with their boos.  The SJL-tron shows clips highlighting Williams amazing career from New Japan, to the independent American scene, to the SJL.  Deathwish then appears at the top of the entrance ramp in full wrestling gear, but with a walking cast clearly visible on his leg and a high polished black cane in his right hand.  Williams limps slowly down the ramp, leaning heavily on the cane.  The crowd mumbles and grumbles in trying to figure out what is going on, but Williams just continues his long trek without acknowledging the fans confusion.

 

Axis: “Williams was attacked by whom we believe to be Tod deKindes during tapings for the SJL’s weekly syndicated programming earlier this week.”

 

King: “Of course it was deKindes.  That weak kneed, yellow-bellied coward killed the lights and attacked Williams unfairly in the dark with a lead pipe to his ankle.  It was one of the most underhanded and despicable things I have ever seen.”

 

Edwin: “Kind of makes you a bit proud of the boy don’t it?”

 

King: “As if he were my own son.”

 

Williams clanks up the ring stairs and enters the squared circle through the second rope.  Referee Matthew Kivell hops to the floor and grabs a chair from ringside.  He sets it up in the center of the ring for Williams to sit on, but Deathwish waves him off with a scowl and rips the microphone out of Funyon’s hands, who retreats to a far corner along with Kivell and the chair.

 

Williams: “Alright, no bullsh*t, my ankle is seriously f*cked up due to Tod deKindes taking me out like a pussy earlier this week.  Tests are still being run, but I’m going to be on the shelf for at least six months.  (crowd pops huge and Williams just looks around at them with disgust)  Yeah, I’m sure it really warms the hearts’ of all of you little pukes out there, but when I come back deKindes is at the top of my ass kicking list and right behind him is Frost.  I wish you a long title run Frosty so I can take MY belt back from you when I return and you better clean the damn thing of your crusty, nasty…”

 

“DA DA DUN, DUNDUNDUNDUN, DA DA DUN…”

 

The opening guitar riff of “Cities on Flame with Rock ‘n Roll” by Blue Oyster Cult cuts through the auditorium like a knife as Frost lumbers out from behind the backstage curtain and solemnly makes his way to ringside.  

 

Axis: “Frost won the European title off of Deathwish on the last Crimson in a brutal no dq match, but was then accosted by Williams with the very title he had just captured.”

 

Edwin: “I heard what Frost said afterwards in the locker room, but eww, you think he could clean all the blood and fluids off of that title.  That’s can’t be sanitary.”

 

King: “That belt is part of Frost now.  It’s got his blood, his sweat, his soul in it and no one is taking it from him.  He’s just marking his property.”

 

Edwin: “Then I would hate to think what other fluids are on it.”

 

Frost pulls himself up to the ring apron by the second rope.  He unstraps the European title and throws it over his left shoulder.  He and Williams exchange squinty-eyed stares of discontent.

 

Williams: “Heard your name and had to run out like a dog did you?  If I didn’t have this cast on my foot (raps cast with his cane) I would kick your ass again here tonight and go on to win the World Title on Crimson, leaving you and that rodeo belt buckle you hold so dear to rot in hell.”

 

Frost steps over the top ring rope and hands the Euro title to Kivell as he hands the big Icelander a microphone in turn.  The crowd is dead silent and taking everything in.  Frost brings the mic to his lips and speaks.

 

Frost: “deKindes lost the title to you, because he was too scared to face me.  Now, you have him take you out, because you fear the consequences of an Early Winter brought on by your attacking me after I claimed my birthright.  You are just as weak as everyone else in the SJL.  I own this federation, I own the European title, and I own you.”  

 

Frost points a finger at Williams and drops his microphone to the canvas and it wails with feedback.  Williams hangs his head with a look of defeat on his face.  He takes a deep sigh and raises his head and looks to be ready to speak again.  As he draws a breath to say something, Deathwish throws the microphone to the floor and rears back with his walking cane.  Before Frost can react, he brings it down hard over the man’s head and it splinters in half with a cloud of sawdust.  The crowd pops mad with approval and Frost teeters for a second before timbering to the mat.  Deathwish straddles him and starts reigning clubbing blows down into his face.  Funyon and Kivell hit the floor to get out of the way.

 

Axis: “Deathwish came out here to announce that he would not be taking part in this match up due to injury, but it likes he’s going to give it a shot anyway.”

 

King: “I defended the SWF title once in a full body cast, had to pin the guy with my right big toe.  I remember…”

 

King is cut off by the pop pounding of “Epic” on the speakers and the renewed cheering of the fans.  Z rushes out from the back in military inspired gear with a bright silver pail in his hands.  Williams stops beating on Frost on and looks out to the entrance ramp with a “what the…?” expression on his face.  Frost takes the momentary distraction to shock Danny with a thumb to the throat.  He grabs his neck and rolls off of Frost.

 

Axis: “It’s Z and he has something in that bucket.”

 

Edwin: “Curdled milk.”

 

King: “It’s sulfuric acid.”

 

Frost leans over Williams with his hands supporting himself on the mat and drives two knees into the side of the cast.  Deathwish howls and grabs his injured ankle.  Frost takes one half of the busted cane and shoves it down into the cast.  He then takes the other half and starts striking the cast with it where he had jabbed the other piece of stick.  Williams face contorts into a multitude of weird expressions as he tries to hold back the screams.  Z slides into the ring under the bottom rope and pulls the bucket back to unleash its contents.

 

Axis: “GOOD GOD, Frost is going to completely shatter that ankle, hopefully whatever Z has in that bucket can turn the tide.”

 

King: “It’s hot tar.”

 

Edwin: “It’s a gallon of donkey piss.”

 

Z swings the bucket as Frost turns his head to check out this new ring presence and is greeted with a face full of confetti.  The brightly colored squares of paper and streamers flutter around Frost and cling to his oiled up body.  The fans explode with laughter and Z simply shrugs his shoulders with a smirk on his face.

 

Edwin: “Well, that was anticlimactic.”

 

Axis: “In Z’s own way, however, he has just saved Deathwish from possible permanent paralysis.”

 

Frost stands from Williams writhing form and bumps chests with Z, looking down on the much shorter man.  Z looks up with a nervous smile on his lips and sweat just pouring down his forehead.  Frost quietly takes the metal bucket out of Z’s hands, turns it upside down and shoves it down on the grappler’s head.  Frost takes a step back and rocks the pail with a roundhouse right hand.  Z stumbles back and throws up his hands like a punch drunk boxer before collapsing in the nearby corner.

 

King: “Z was much better off when he just ran from everyone all the time.”

 

Edwin: “And Williams was better off when he could run at all.”

 

Frost strides over to the far ring corner to retrieve the steel chair that was brought into the ring for Williams to sit on.  He folds it back up and flips it upside down.  He stands menacingly over Deathwish with the head of the chair poised to come crashing down into the cast.  Danny puts his hands up and shakes his head from side to side to signal Frost not to do it.  

 

Axis: “THIS IS SICK!  Williams is in no shape to wrestle and Frost wants to make sure that he never will be again.  The match is no dq, but this is sick!”

 

Edwin: “Is the match underway, this is so messed up I have no idea what’s…”

 

Zach de la Rocha's unsettling voice haunts the arena to cut Axis off and Flex flies out from behind the backstage curtain with his trusty kendo stick in hand.

 

Axis: “It’s the leader of the New Sound and this dastardly four way is finally complete.”

 

Edwin: “Don’t say four way in connection with these guys.”

 

Flex slides under the bottom ring rope and seamlessly back to his feet.  Frost re-cinches his grasp on the chair and takes a wild swing at Flex.  He ducks and jabs the tip of the kendo stick into Frost’s ribs.  He then flips the cane back and slams it up into the bottom of Frost’s chin.  The Iceman’s head snaps back and Flex takes hold of his right wrist.  Z has climbed back to his feet in the corner, the bucket still lodged on his skull.  Flex whips Frost to the corner and he collides back first into Z and the two men slump down in the corner.  

 

Axis: “Flex makes the second save on Deathwish and hopefully we can now get him some medical attention.”

 

King: “Don’t look now, bleeding heart, but Flex only made the save so he could make the beating.”

 

Flex drops to his knees in bringing the kendo stick down hard into Danny’s cast.  Williams screams bloody murder and a group of EMT’s with a stretcher rush out from the back, although they are leery of climbing into the ring themselves.

 

Axis: “How much damage can one leg take?”

 

Edwin: “Is that a rhetorical question, because I’m sure with a piece of paper, a pencil and a medical journal I could do the math to figure it out.”

 

King: “It’s rhetorical, you idiot, and I doubt you could do the match as it involves a little more than two plus two.”

 

Edwin: (in a huff) “I’m now up to basic long division, thank you.”

 

Flex raises the kendo stick up again and looks to drive it down as Williams grits his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut to block out the pain and rally all of his strength.  He brings up his good leg and knocks the cane out of Flex’s hands.  He pulls it down and slams it back up again, this time to rock Flex in the jaw.  

 

Axis: “Deathwish is fighting back against the Ragin’ Porno Man in an unbelievable display of fortitude.”

 

King: “Testicular fortitude.”

 

Edwin: “Hairy, hanging, big as basketball balls testicular fortitude.”

 

King: “Oh, that’s a picture.”  (King drops his head down past the edge of the table and makes sounds as if he is throwing up.)

 

Z finally manages to heft Frost’s massive weight up off of him with a grunt and rolls him to the floor, where he crashes down on his face.  Z slips out to the floor himself, but still has the bucket wedged on his head and can’t get it off, no matter how hard he tries.

 

King: “He should keep the bucket on, he looks much better.”

 

Edwin: “I can only imagine the wonders it would do for you…or your dates.”  

 

In the ring, Williams pulls himself up by the second rope directly behind him and Flex retrieves his dropped kendo stick.  He hoists it up over his head and charges at Danny to strike.  Williams drops down to one knee and fires a chop into Flex’s stomach.  Flex drops the stick to the canvas and gives out an “ooph” from the blow.

 

Axis: “Williams should just slip out of the ring now why he can, but he’s sticking in there.  He’s fighting the good fight.”

 

King: “Oh this impresses you, but me wrestling in a full body cast doesn’t?”

 

Frost rises to his knees and gives a fierce shake of his head to knock out the cobwebs.  Z stumbles into the guardrail and jumps back.  He throws out a kick and clocks the cold steel of the rail hard.  He falls to the floor holding his leg.

 

Edwin: “Do you have any tapes of this miraculous match of yours?”

 

King: (thinking fast) “I used to, but I taped Iron Chefs over it.”

 

Edwin: “Well, at least I can respect that.”

 

Williams stands back up and hits an uppercut to Flex’s jaw.  Flex falls to his left to lie over the ropes.  His eyes flash a quick blaze of anger and he turns back on Danny, who is hobbling toward him.  Flex plants his left foot and throws out a kick with his right to catch Deathwish in the stomach.  He doubles over and Flex straightens him back up with a chop to the chest.  He spins with his back to Deathwish and hooks the grappler’s head on his shoulder.

 

King: “It’s the twisterfuck stunner.  God, I love saying that.”

 

Williams wraps his arms around Flex’s waist and links his hands together in the front.  Flex is held fast as he tries to snap down on the move and Deathwish lifts him up and over his head to fall back on the mat.

 

Axis: “German suplex counters the stunner and I must admit I love saying that.”

 

Williams bridges up for the pin and Kivell slides in under the bottom rope to make the count.

ONE!

TWO!

THRE

His bad leg collapses and he can’t hold the pin.

 

Axis: “What a showing by “Deathwish” Danny Williams!  He was so close on making the pin!”

 

King: “How would that look for Flex to be beat by a cripple?  It would make the New Sound as dead as disco.”

 

Edwin: “DISCO WILL NEVER DIE!” (he jumps from his chair and strikes a John Travolta pose)

 

Meanwhile on the outside, Frost pulls Z up by the bucket on his head.  It pops off and Z crumbles to the floor and crawls between Frost’s legs to disappear underneath the ring.  Frost drops to all fours and follows after him.  Various clanks, crashes and booms can be heard from underneath the ring.

 

Edwin: “I can only imagine what’s going on under there.”

 

King: “I doubt it’s a very accurate picture as they don’t have any panda bears or Cool Whip.”

 

Flex rolls to his knees and holds a hand to the back of his neck.  Williams lies on the canvas trying to stand up, but he can’t put any weight at all on his bad leg.  Flex rises to his feet and walks over to Deathwish to pull him up by the sides of his head.  The crowd boos and Flex mocks them with a sinister grin.  He gives Danny a slight tap in the cast with the toe of his boot and he collapses back to the mat in a pile.  Flex struts around the ring with his arms open wide to audience in saying “someone want to do something about it.”

 

Axis: “On any given day these two men have the personalities that might lead them to team up, but today Flex is beating poor Williams just because he can.”

 

King: “You climb a mountain because it’s there, you beat Deathwish because he’s there.”

 

Edwin: “You date fat chicks because they are the ONLY ones there.”

 

Flex glides back over to Deathwish and leans down to pick him up by the sides of his head again.  He spins Williams around, hooks under the left arm in a half nelson and suplexes him over his head.  The top of Danny’s head ricochets off the mat at a sharp angle and he flips over on his face to half hang out of the ring.  The paramedics take this opportunity to grab Williams and pull him out to the floor.

 

Axis: “It appears that the Flexxxplex has finally taken Danny Williams out, but it wasn’t until after he showcased himself in one of the gutsiest displays of willpower I have ever seen.”

 

The EMT’s try to load the groggy Deathwish onto the stretcher, but he slaps them away and stumbles up the entrance ramp.  He trips to his knees and two men from the medical team rush up and drape his arms around their necks.  They escort him to the top of the entrance ramp and Williams turns to raise a solitary fist to the crowd who pop madly out of respect.  Flex stands in the ring with a mocking smile and waves goodbye to him.

 

Axis: “The crowd shows its appreciation as no one knows when, if ever, we will see “Deathwish” Danny Williams again.”

 

Edwin: “I’d be all teary eyed if he wasn’t such a bastard most of the time.”

 

Deathwish turns around to face the backstage curtain and disappears with the rest of the paramedic squad and their stretcher trailing behind.  At that moment, Z juts out from underneath the ring apron at the topside of the ring.  The fans refocus their cheering on Z, who takes one step forward and then flops down on his face.  Frost comes out holding a steel chair and the crowd greets him with roaring jeers.

 

King: “I didn’t think there would be a enough room underneath the ring to swing a chair.”

 

Edwin: “Like I said, just give me a paper and a pencil and I’ll do the math.”

 

Flex runs to the far ropes, bounces off and baseball slides out to the floor.  He catches Frost right in the back and he tumbles into the guardrail chest first.

 

King: “Why don’t you just slide under the ring now and check it out first hand.”

 

Edwin: “I don’t think I should leave the table in the middle of the match.”

 

King: “I do, so I don’t have to listen to you.”

 

Flex picks up the chair Frost dropped and walks around to right side.  Flex holds the chair out sideways and brings it whooshing down onto Frost’s right arm with a meaty smack.  Frost falls to his left and Flex turns his attention to Z.

 

Axis: “Frost is out of it for the time being and Flex goes for Z, as we all know the sparks that have flown between the New Sound and XF 9.”

 

Edwin: “Sounds like feuding bicoastal rappers.”

 

Z crawls on his stomach to the ring corner and pulls himself up to his feet by the sides of the ring.  Flex charges to plaster Z with the chair.  Z slips on an enigmatic wet spot on the floor and falls down.  Flex runs right over Z and smashes face first into the ring post.  He bounces off, trips over Z and lands on his rear.  The fans scream and Z picks his head up slightly to look around at what’s going on.

 

King: (slapping his forehead with his hand) “It’s like watching the Three Stooges.”

 

Edwin: “Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.”

 

Z pulls himself back up by the side of the ring and slips into the squared circle under the bottom rope.  He skips to his feet, spins sharply on his heels and fires a salute to the crowd.  Chants of “Z, Z, Z” rifle through the crowd.

 

Edwin: “Now I’d say it’s taken a turn into Gomer Pyle.”

 

Frost climbs to his feet, holding his bruised arm and slides in under the bottom ring rope.  Flex is stirring, but is still pretty out of it on the floor.  Frost holds out his good left arm and charges toward Z with a clothesline.  Z ducks under the extended arm and heads to the far ropes as Frost turns and springs off the near ropes.  Z holds out his right arm and runs into Frost with it full tilt.  He staggers back, but will not go down.

 

Axis: “It’s the arm grenade.  Z’a only real power move.”

 

King: “Then he should check the batteries, because it didn’t have any power in it.”

 

Z runs to the ropes and comes off again with another power grenade to Frost’s chest.  He staggers back more and falls into the ropes.  Z leans all the way back into the near ropes as far as he can and is launched off of them like a slingshot.  He flies toward Frost with his right arm extended.  Frost pulls himself off the ropes and puts his head down.  He catches Z in the stomach with the top of his skull and with his hands in the grappler’s stomach; he tosses Z over his back and out of the ring.

 

Axis: “Frost counters with a back body drop to the outside and now he solely rules the roost.”

 

King: “But now he has to deal with the real cock of the walk.”

 

Flex rolls back into the ring holding the steel chair.  Before he can reach his feet, Frost comes over and stomps him in the back of the head a few times to keep him on the mat.  He then picks the stunned Flex up by his right shoulder, cinches him underneath his left one with his right arm and picks him up off the mat and throws him back in a nonchalant display of strength.  Flex bounces off the mat like a rag doll, but Frost rolls over on his back holding his right arm.

 

Axis: “Flex takes the Ice Shelf, but the chair to Frost’s arm that he delivered earlier left him soft enough not to make the cover.”

 

King: “C’mon Frost.  I’ve got money on you.  Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.”

 

Frost shuts out the stinging in his arm and scrambles on top of Flex.  Kivell counts as Frost struggles to hook Flex’s fidgeting leg.

ONE

TWO

Flex raises a shoulder and leans to the side to break.

 

Edwin: “Looks like you have to go shopping at Pay-Less again.”

 

Z climbs woozily to his feet and lays the upper half of his body on the ring apron while he continues to take a breather.  Frost pulls Flex up by his right wrist and whips him into the far ropes.  Z reaches out and grabs his ankle out of sheer instinct more than anything else and tumbles on his face.  Frost trots over with anger in his eyes and reaches down to gruffly pull Z up to the apron by his hair.

 

King: “Who’s wearing the Gucci loafers and who’s wearing the worn out pair of Keds here?”

 

Z takes hold of the top rope with both hands to keep himself from falling off the apron.  Frost throws a right hand and Z leans back to dodge it.  Frost then grabs the top rope with both hands himself and jerks back on it hard.  Z is catapulted over Frost’s head and into the ring, but his fingers catch on a crease of Frost’s trunks and it knocks him off balanced enough to roll him over in a makeshift sunset flip.

ONE

TWO

Frost rolls to his right with a very disgusted expression.

 

Edwin: “To heck with a rabbit’s foot, I’m going to get a hacksaw and starting carrying a Z foot around for good luck.”

 

Frost climbs to his feet and makes to attack Z, just as Flex comes back around as well.  Flex sneaks up behind Frost and surprises him with a right arm up around his armpit.

 

Axis: “Another Flexxxplex, it’s how he dispatched Danny Williams a short time before.”

 

Frost reverses before Flex can cinch the move tight and takes Flex around his neck and up under his left arm for a Cobra Clutch.

 

Axis: “Frost makes with his pet submission hold, but Flex is still way too fresh to tap at this time.”

 

King: “With chairs, canes, kendo sticks, buckets and one guy hauled off by paramedics I don’t think ‘fresh’ can describe anything at all having to do with this match.”

 

Edwin: “It is funky fresh.”

 

Z finds Flex’s kendo stick lying in the ring and picks it up as he makes his feet.  He walks over to the rapidly fading Flex and jabs him in the midsection with it twice.  Frost throws Flex aside and looms over Z for interfering.

 

Axis: “Frost doesn’t like Z trying to help him out and is taking exception with him.”

 

King: “Frost doesn’t want help from anybody.  When he was born, he slapped the doctor instead of the other way around.”

 

Edwin: “That Milton Berle joke book I got you for Christmas is really paying off.”

 

Z backs away a little and throws his hands up to wave Frost back.  Frost lumbers forward like a mythical ogre.  In desperation, Z tosses his head back to deliver a headbutt.  Frost straightens up to his full height and Z bonks Frost in the chest.  His head pops off with a comical sproing and rattles loosely on his neck.

 

Edwin: “PECS OF STEEL!”

 

Frost wraps his right hand on the back of Z’s neck and holds him fast in place.  Frost fires three quick, short headbutts into Z’s cranium and lets go.  Z back pedals all the way to the far corner and falls down.  

 

Edwin: “HEAD OF IRON!”

 

Frost turns back around to Flex who has made his knees, but is still breathing hard.  Frost leans over and puts one of his mammoth paws on the top of his head, but Flex cuts him off with a forearm up under his legs to the groin.  Frost falls to his knees in front of Flex, holding his privates.

 

Edwin: “BALLS OF TOFU!”

 

Flex punches Frost in the face with a stiff right hand and he falls to his left side.  Flex climbs to his feet and stumbles over to the upper right ring corner to retrieve the other steel chair.  Z pulls himself up in the corner and runs into the center of the ring.  Flex picks up the steel chair and turns around, holding it up to his face.  Z jumps forward, lands on his right foot and shoots his left foot high in the air to kick the chair back into Flex’s face.  Metal crunches into flesh and Flex goes down in the corner.  The crowd is nuts.

 

Axis: “Z surprises Flex with his own Flunk-DOWWWWWN!”

 

Edwin: “And the humiliation is just beginning.”

 

Z shoots the crowd another quick salute and then drops to the mat over Frost.  He wraps the big Icelander’s arms around his legs and then rolls him over on his back.  Z sits on top of him and starts flexing his barely there biceps for the crazed fans.

 

King: “If Frost taps to the Nelbina I’ll personally see that he is deported.”

 

Frost struggles to free himself, but the pretzling hold is too constricted to free himself of.  Flex crawls out from behind the chair in the corner, blood streaming down his face.  He limps to his feet and takes hold of the chair in his sweaty hands.  Flex quietly circles behind Z and lines him up in his sights.  

 

King: “I’d move, Edwin, because your going to wind up with Z’s head in you lap.”

 

Edwin: “Oh, that’s a pretty picture.”  (Edwin ducks his head underneath the table edge and makes sounds as if he is throwing up)

 

Flex takes a baseball style swing at Z’s noggin, but at the same time Frost gains enough momentum to rock over on his back and Z tumbles off of him.  

 

Axis: “Flex swipes nothing but air and it is clear that both of these rule breakers are getting very frustrated with the hapless, but lucky Z.”

 

King: “I’m getting pissed off just watching the jerk.”

 

Frost is able to unwrap himself from his new position and takes a quick few second breather on the mat.  Z scrambles to his feet and runs at Flex with another arm grenade.  Flex dodges like a bullfighter and Z careens into the far turnbuckle and bounces off back in the center of the ring.  Frost reaches his feet and takes hold of the other folding chair.  The two heels stand on either side of the wobbly Z and line him up for a thrashing.

 

Axis: “A double chair shot.  There is no way Z can escape this.”

 

Frost and Flex rear back with the chairs and bring them cutting through the air for Z’s head at the same time.  Z passes out to the canvas and Flex and Frost wind up plastering each other and falling to the mat.

 

Edwin: “Never say never again, Axis.  A horrible James Bond movie, so especially don’t say it.”

 

Z rolls over limply and covers Flex with one loose arm.

ONE!

TWO!

THRE

Flex puts a shoulder up.

Z rolls over and drapes a limp arm on Frost.

ONE!

TWO!

THRE

Frost puts a shoulder up.

Z rolls to his back and stares up at the arena lights.  Flex and Frost roll over and dog pile on top of Z who is pinned firm underneath.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

 

Axis: “Z is gone, the weight of the two bigger men take Z out and we’re down to two of the most dastardly men in the SJL.”

 

Edwin: “I’m betting on someone whose last name begins with an F to win.”

 

King: “I’ve got an F word for you.”

 

Z finally slides out from underneath the over 500 pounds of wrestlers and drags himself across the apron to slide to the outside floor.  Flex and Frost lie winded in the ring as Z shuffles dejectedly back to the locker room area.

 

Axis: “Both men are dead even in the punishment they have taken and where they stand now physically, it’s like starting over from scratch.”

 

Edwin: (with haunting gypsy accent) “However, I do sense that the end is near.”

 

Frost and Flex climb lazily to their feet and sway in the nonexistent breeze of the ring.  Frost throws a right hand that misses by a mile, Flex responds in kind.  Frost falls back into the near ropes, as does Flex and they charge for each other.  Flex slips just to the side of Frost and uses his momentum to lift him off the mat and onto his shoulders.  He falls straight down and drives Frost’s shoulders to the mat.

 

Axis: “FALLING POWERBOMB! HE NEEDS TO MAKE THE PIN!”

 

Flex rolls over onto Frost’s chest and Kivell drops to make the count.

ONE!

TWO!

THRE

Frost just kicks him off at the last fraction of an instant.

 

Axis: “I THOUGHT THAT WAS IT!”

 

King: “Way to build suspense, Axis.”

 

Flex makes his feet and pulls Frost up by the sides of his head.  Frost throws his arms up to toss Flex off of him.  Frost lowers his head and fires a short, stiff punch into the lower half of Flex’s chest.  Flex’s breath catches in his throat and he doubles over.  Frost pulls Flex to him and tucks his head under his arm.

 

Axis: “Touch of Frost with an Ice Pick to follow.”

 

Edwin: “Screw you King, this will definitely be it.”

 

Flex charges with a quick burst of energy and pushes Frost back into the near corner to break the hold.  Flex puts his shoulder into Frost’s stomach and puts a hand between the man’s legs to hoist him up on his shoulders.

 

Axis: “He’s got him up for the Golden Gun.”

 

Edwin: “Ok, ok, this will be it for sure.”

 

Frost shifts his weight and falls out of the move to land feet first on the mat.  He takes Flex in a waistlock and twists him up and over to rest on his shoulder.  Frost runs across the ring with shocking speed and powerslams Flex down with a crashing boom.  He stays on top for the cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Frost leaps to his feet, stares up at the ceiling and points a finger up in the air.

 

Axis: “Running powerslam! Not one of Frost’s signature moves, but it gets the job done and he’s the first person to move on to the title match on Crimson!”

 

Edwin: “And we’ll find out who will be joining him next as we desperately need to cut to commercial.”

 

King: “FIVE TO ONE, BUDDY, FIVE TO ONE!”

 

Kivell raises Frost’s hand in victory while his eyes still look to the roof and he mouths “for you, buddy.”  The camera fades to break.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

*** It's been a wild night so far, but the fans are still on their feet; excited about the upcoming match. As the cameras pans over the audience with such signs as  "IT'S XERO WITH AN *X*, DUMBASS!!" and "GET WELL SOON TOD", we eventually cut to the announce table, where our Fearsome Threesome are sitting. ***

 

Axis: All right, folks. Coming up next: A fatal fourway elimination style match, with NO disqualifications, to help determine the number one contender for the SJL World Title. In one corner, you'll have the man from Port Colborne; Xero. In another corner, we have the Pokefreak, the former SJL World Champiom; Ash Ketchum. In the third corner, we will have the self proclaimed King of the New School; Mafia. And in the fourth corner, get this…former European champion, Tod deKindes. What is up with THAT, Edwin?

 

Edwin: It's real simple. Tod deKindes, great young athlete that he is, deserved his chance at the World title, and this is the best way I thought he could get his opportunity at the gold. After what happened to him at the hands of Danny Williams and Taylor Nicholas Thompson, it's only fair…

 

King: …Um, hello?! Were you watching the same Metal show I was watching?? I don't know if you recall, but Tod deKindes got his ASS KICKED on Metal!! He was dropped on his head MORE than once, he was powerbombed off the apron and onto the arena floor and his damn arm was ripped from its socket!! Tell me, WHY would you put Tod in such an important match, knowing that he HAS to be less than 100%, hmmm?

 

Edwin: I'm aware of all that, I tried to contact Tod all week, but no one has heard from him ever since Metal. I'm aware of his injuries, but I took a chance and I booked him in the match anyway because I have faith in his abilities and I have faith in Tod himself. It's up to him if he really wants it bad enough though…

 

Axis: No one even knows if the former European champion is in the building tonight, but nonetheless, we still have business to do here tonight, so let's go straight to the ring to our announcer!

 

*** As Mark Hebner stands in the ring, testing the ropes for tightness; Funyon - clad in his snazzy Wal Mart bought George R. Mani three piece suit - brings the mic to his lips, while reading his prepared notes. ***

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time…for our SECOND Fatal Fourway Elimination style match, in order to determine a Number One Contender for the Smarks Junoir Leagues WORLD Heavyweight title…The rules are simple: There are NO disqualifications, however pinfall and submission rules are still in effect. Elimination occurs at any time, when a man is pinned OR submits. The last man standing will be the winner and the Number One contender to the World title. Without further ado, here are the participants…

 

*** As the lights go out, an unknown voice is heard throughout the arena. ***

 

"A light in the black…Or just a fear of the dark…"

 

*** Iron Maiden's "Fear Of The Dark" hits the speakers, as spotlights  begin scouring the crowd. ***

 

Funyon: First; from Port Colborne, Ontario, Canada…Weighing in at an even 199 lbs…Xeeeeee - rooooooooo!!

 

*** Xero makes his way down the ramp, as a spotlight starts shining on his bald head. He throws random looks towards the crowd, while tightly holding onto his kendo stick with his right hand. He throws his stick into the ring, rolls under the bottom rope and climbs the second rope of a random corner, getting a hated but respectful reaction from the Cleveland crowd. He hops down, stretches in the ropes and retreats to a corner, awaiting the other three participants. ***

 

Funyon: Participant number two…

 

*** The grunge sounds of "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" by Prong are heard throughout the arena as multi colored strobe lights invade the arena. ***

 

Funyon: From New York City, New York; weighing at 215 lbs…Mmmmmafiaaaaaaaaa!!!

 

*** Clad in his SJL Mafia tee shirt, loose leather pants and biker jacket, Mafia is discovered by a spotlight at the top of the ramp, back to the audience, arms outstretched. As the boos drip off of him, he slowly turns around and walks down the ramp, all while insulting some fans along the way. He gets into an argument with a fan, causing him to use a local arena security agent as a shield. Once that little distraction is done, he resumes his way back to the ring…scratch that, he shoves the fan down for good measure, then laughs proudly at his feat. He walks up the ring steps, throws one last dirty look at the crowd and then enters the ring. He tosses his biker jacket to Mark Hebner, who in turn hands it off to a ring girl; while Mafia stretches in his own corner, exchanging looks with Xero in the meantime. ***

 

Funyon: Introducing participant number three…

 

*** "Elevation" by U2 starts playing, sending the crowd into an immediate cheering session. As Bono's booming voice explodes, a waterfall of pyros invade the top of the ramp. ***

 

Funyon: From Tampa, Florida; accompanied by Misty. Weighing in 258 lbs, he is a member of the X Force 9…Ash - Keeetchuuuuuuuuuum !!!

 

*** As the pyro stops, the couple is posing on the ramp, beaming as ever. With accompanying light games and pyro, they make their way down the aisle, slapping some hands along the way. They stop at ringside, exchanging a kiss, and then Ash rolls into the ring, posing for the cheering crowd some more. He looks at his two other opponents, looking ready as ever; but there's one more piece missing to the puzzle… ***

 

Funyon: And finally, participant number four…

 

"SHOOOOOCK!!"

 

Funyon: From Muenchen, Germany, now residing in Toronto, Ontario, Canada; weighing in at 227 lbs…Tod - deeeeeeee - Kinnn - deeeeeessss!!

 

*** As the arena lights make way for dizzying strobe light, it looks as if the Gund Arena has turned into a huge rave atmosphere. With Fear Factory resounding from the speakers, and with smoke filling the entrance way; the fans start to chant along with the song. The fans chant, and chant…but there's no sign of the german grappler. People are plerplexed. ***

 

Axis: Looks as if Tod deKindes indeed isn't here tonight, guys…

 

King: I knew it!! He is hurt WAY too bad, he is in NO shape to compete tonight! Looks like we'll have to settle for a triple threat match tonight!

 

Edwin: I tell ya, it's a heart breaker. I was hoping for Tod to show up and get his chance at the title, but it looks as if he'll fight another day. ***

 

King: That's BULL, Edwin! Tod was contractually obligated to appear here tonight, no? YOU made that ruling! And now, he chose not to show up, and that for him, as they say, is TOO DAMN BAD!

 

***The music fades to a stop and the light returns to normal as the fans boo the absence of the former Euro champ. ***

 

Axis: Nonetheless, we'll have to make due with these three in the ring, so here we go!

 

*** Bell rings. All three men study each other. Ash knows that his odds don't look good in this one, and thus he keeps an extra alert eye open. To start things off, Xero aims a clothesline straight for Ash, but it's quickly ducked and Mafia takes the blow. Ash starts off hot, with right hands to both men that sends them down. Bodyslams for each man, followed by dropkicks. While Mafia rolls outside; Ash grabs Xero and Irish whips him to the ropes, lifts him up and puts him back down with a high back bodydrop. Xero slowly gets up, allowing Ash to come off the ropes and hit him with a spinning heel kick. Gutshot by Ash. He bounces off the ropes once again and connects with a swinging neckbreaker. He goes for a cover, but Mafia blasts from out of nowhere and PASTES Ash with a clothesline. He shoves the Pokefreak into a corner and begins stomping a mudhole, as Xero comes to and joins him. ***

 

Edwin: Stomping a double mudhole and moonwalking it dry!!

 

*** Both men grab Ash in a front face lock, each grab an arm and throws it over their heads. They lift him up, maintain him in the air, allowing the blood to rush back down to the head and double suplex him back down with authority. They take turns stomping and dropping elbows on the helpless Ash, while Misty cheers him on at ring side. Xero goes for a cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Mafia pulls him off, and tries his own cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Xero pulls him off…They both remember that it's elimination rules…and BOTH pile up on top of Ash. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** This time, Ash kicks out. Ash tries to shake it off, but the other two attackers are quickly on him like white bees on rice covered with honey with forearms to the upper back. Double Irish whip to the ropes, double fist to the gut of Ash. As he stays there, hunched over, Xero and Mafia get into position, each grab an arm and bring Ash down to the mat with a double side russian legsweep. Thinking that it's gonna be an easy ride against Ash, Xero picks him up to deliver more offense, but suddenly Mafia comes up behind him, locks him in a sleeper hold and drives him down to the mat with a sleeper drop. ***

 

Axis: The Ego Trip early on by Mafia! It's every man for himself in this contest and you can be sure that Mafia will do his best to win.

 

Edwin: It actually looks like HE wants to be the one to put the boots to Ash Ketchum!

 

*** Indeed, Mafia stomps with a fury on the former champion. He brings him to his feet and shoves him into a corner. Cross corner Irish whip by Mafia is reversed by Ash, sending Mafia into the corner. Running charge is attempted by Ash, but Mafia moves at the last second, sending Ash's shoulder crashing into the ring post. Mafia takes control of the contest and applies an arm wringer on Ash. It's reversed by Ash, and turned into a side headlock. Mafia tries to free himself via hair pull and he eventually pushes Ash to the ropes. Hiptoss attempt by Ash, it's blocked by Mafia, who counters with his own attempt. THAT one is blocked by Ash who in turn counters with a gutshot and a swinging neck breaker. Cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Xero arrives from out of nowhere and buries a pair of forearms to Ash's upper back to break up the count. Sideways body slam for Ash, snap suplex for Mafia; followed by a few rapid elbow drops from Xero onto both men. He goes to climb up to the top rope, awaiting for his two opponents to get to their feet. Once Ash and Mafia are standing side by side, Xero dives off with a high cross body, hitting the other two at the same time. Both men land shoulders on the mat. ***

 

Axis: He could have 'em both right here!!

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Ash and Mafia power out of the pin, sending Xero flying a few feet into the air. ***

 

Axis: Kick out with authority!

 

King: PLEASE, I could bench press TWICE that amount of weight!

 

*** Xero is the quicker of the three to shake the cob webs loose, as he plants both of his opponents with a pair of superkicks and dropkicks. Cover on Mafia. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Kick out. Cover on Ash. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Save by Mafia, who thumbs Xero in the eyes as he plants him down with a vicious T-bone suplex. He quickly shifts over to Ash Ketchum, catching him with lightening quick right hands to the side of the head. Irish whip to the ropes, Ash ducks a clothesline and a back elbow, but gets caught with an amazing overhead belly to belly suplex. Cover by Mafia on Ash. ***

 

*One!

 

*Two!*

 

*** Xero pulls Mafia off, preventing the pin. Mafia confronts Xero about that action, as a shoving match ensues. Ash capitalizes on the distraction, grabs both guys by the hair and a meeting of the minds ensues with a double noggin knocker. ***

 

Edwin: It's the meeting of the half wits!!

 

King: Hey!!

 

*** Ash nails both men with right hands, his top priority being that he remains on his feet.  He Irish whips Mafia to the far ropes and catches him with a devastating power slam. Repeat the same process for Xero, although change the words "power slam" to spinebuster. ***

 

Axis: Still early in this match, but the pace remains at a quick level!

 

Edwin: It's hard to keep track of all the action!

 

King: It's hard to keep track of Edwin at the horse tracks, too.

 

Edwin: I do NOT go to horse tracks! I'm not a betting man!

 

King: Oh, PLEASE, I saw you betting on the basketball game in the back! Can you believe he bet against the Harlem Globetrotters??

 

Axis: Well, what the commissionner does on his own time is…-- Wait a second, you bet AGAINST the Harlem Globbetrotters?!!

 

Edwin: I know a guy with good odds!!

 

King: Don't try to cast off your vile sins on us, you flimsy truant!!

 

Edwin: I didn't scam anything!!

 

Axis: Nonetheless, we still have a match here! …(muttering)…Against the 'Trotters…give me a freakin' break.

 

*** Xero and Mafia are back to double teaming Ash Ketchum. Double suplex brings him down for a two count by Mafia. Xero tries his own…two count as well. While Mafia ponders more offense on Ash, Xero surprises him with a rear waist lock a solid german suplex, bridged into a pin. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Save is made as Ash shoves Mafia out of the hold. All three men slowly get to their feet. Mafia ducks a right hand by Xero, grabbing his own waist lock in the process. He tries to lift him up with his own german suplex, but Xero grabs hold of the ropes. Ash comes up behind the two, grabs *Mafia* in a waist lock and in an amazing show of strength, slams down BOTH guys with a double belly to back suplex. He spots the first man to get to his feet, kicks him in the gut, hooks the arms and drives him down with a double underhook back breaker. ***

 

Axis: Blastoise Backcracker on Xero!

 

*** He grabs the other one, puts him in an arm wrench and slams him down with a modified fireman's carry slam. ***

 

Axis: Pikaslam on Mafia!

 

*** Xero is quickly on his feet, but he gets brought down with a solid looking uranage. ***

 

Axis: Pokérap on Xero!!

 

*** Feeling on fire, Ash screams out to the cheering crowd and climbs up to the second rope, pointing at a dazed Xero. ***

 

Axis: Could he be going for his finishing move known as "Poke Ball, Go!" ?

 

King: No way, it's too soon…

 

*** Ash plays to the crowd a bit too long, allowing the slowly recovering Mafia to come from behind and stun him with a low blow below the belt. He slips between his legs and drives him down hard with authority with a powerbomb. He holds onto the legs for the cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Save is made by Xero. He takes over the offense on Ash and peppers him with rapid fire right hands to the side of the head. Irish whip exchange between Xero and Ash. Ash catches him on his shoulder in a powerslam attempt, but Xero slips out behind him, landing on his feet, punctuating the move with his reverse X-Factor. Xero quickly crosses the ropes and climbs up to the top turnbuckle and landing a picture perfect frog splash. Cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Save is made once again by Mafia. Right hands by both Mafia and Xero on Ash, followed up by a double Irish whip. Mafia catches him in a drop toe hold and floats over into a Boston Crab. Xero runs the ropes and hits a snap leg drop on the back of Ash's head, as Mafia switches to a camel clutch. Xero runs the ropes once again and nails Ash right in the face with a seated dropkick. ***

 

King: THAT'll loosen a bunch of teeth…if he has any.

 

*** While Mafia takes a breather, Xero resumes the offense on Ash. Right hands, followed by an Irish whip to the far ropes. Ash ducks two oncoming attacks, in this case a back elbow and a clothesline, but Xero comes back with a flying head scissors, holding on into a pin. ***

 

*One!

 

*Two!*

 

*Thr--

 

*** Mafia kicks Xero in the head to break it up. ***

 

King: Why does Mafia insist on breaking up Xero's pin attempts? This is elimination style, guys! Let him pin Ash and then get the drop on HIM!

 

Axis: Then again, maybe Mafia wants to be the one to get the pin on Ash, who knows.

 

*** Mafia kicks Ash in the shoulder and drives him down hard with a single arm DDT. He kicks him a few more times in the shoulder and drives a few knees and elbows in there for good measure. He turns around, only to eat a superkick to the jaw by Xero. Xero covers Ash. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Ash kicks out. Xero covers Mafia. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Mafia kicks out. Xero grabs Mafia in another waist lock and puts him down with a belly to back suplex. He grabs Ash and drives him down with a brainbuster, right next to Mafia. He climbs up the turnbuckles, prepping himself for a second frogsplash, this time on two men. He showboats a little too long though, allowing Ash to get to his feet and stumble into the ropes, crotching Xero. Ash and the now risen Mafia start exchanging right hands. Irish whip exchange leads to a powerslam by Ash. Cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Kick out by Mafia. Meanwhile, Xero is slowly shaking off the pain and starts re-climbing the turnbuckles. Ash and Mafia are exchanging right hands once again. Another Irish whip exchange. Mafia hops up on Ash's shoulders in hopes of attempting a victory roll but Ash counters by chucking him off, throat first on the ropes, crotching Xero once again. ***

 

Edwin: Hey Xero, buddy, you might wanna get down from the ropes, eh?

 

*** Ash catches the rebounding Mafia and sends him flying with an overhead belly to belly suplex. Ash sends a look towards Xero and his aching nether regions, pedals up the ropes and belly to bellies him from there as well. ***

 

Axis: Top rope belly to belly suplex by Ash Ketchum! He is pulling out all the stops tonight!!

 

***Ash regains his bearing for a few seconds and scoops up Xero on his shoulder. ***

 

Axis: Mew Driver on Xero!! He could be out of here in a second!!!

 

King: …You mean three seconds?

 

Axis: Whatever.

 

*** Mafia once again breaks up the pin fall with a double axhandle to the back of Ash's head. As Xero rolls out, Mafia grabs Ash by the hair and shoves his head between his legs. He flips off the fans, lifts up Ash from the ground and drives him down with a resoundingly devastating sit out powerbomb. Cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Thre-…

 

*** Ash gets his shoulder up in the nick of time. Mafia stays on the offense quickly and drops a few more elbows on the dazed Ash Ketchum. He picks him up, hooks a front waist lock and sends Ash flying back down with a Northern Lights release suplex. Mafia confidently crosses the ropes, climbing up the turnbuckles one by one. He waves both hands in front of his chin as the general "F*** You!" gesture used by the Italian, and comes off the top rope with a bee yoo tee ful shooting star press. Mark Hebner gets in place to count a pinfall but Mafia chooses not to go for a pin just yet. He brings Ash to his feet, and grabs his head in the reverse DDT position. He does a slow throat slash to the fans… ***

 

Axis: That must be the signal for the Mob Hit! We all know that move is very quick and unforgiving for anyone!!

 

*** Ash gets a sudden regain of energy, somehow pedals up the ropes, does a back flip and lands on his feet behind Mafia. He goes for a belly to back suplex of his own, but *Mafia* back flips behind *Ash* and shoves him hard into the nearest corner, followed up by his sleeper drop, aka the Ego Trip. The fans suddenly start to perk up, looking over to the entrance way. ***

 

King: What is going on now?

 

Edwin: Somebody's coming out here!

 

Axis: It's Tod deKindes!!

 

*** The german grappler, clad in basic black cargo jeans and short sleeved dark blue dress shirt is shown walking down the aisle slowly, clutching his rib cage. ***

 

King: What is HE doing here??! He is supposed to be injured!!

 

Edwin: He's showing that he has a lot of guts, King!! Tod will take part in this match whether it kills him or not!!

 

Axis: Tod deKindes, in street clothes is gingerly walking down to the ring. You gotta wonder what his condition is…Meanwhile, there's the Mob Hit on Ash Ketchum!!

 

*** Mafia looks down proudly at Ash, after having executed his finishing maneuver on the SJL's top star. After a few seconds of gloating, Mafia (not having seen Tod arrive in the ring) walks over to the prone Ash…until he feels someone tugging on his tights. He stumbles backwards, shoulders on the mat. ***

 

Axis: Tod's got him in a roll up!!

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Three!!*

 

*** Fans mildly erupt. Mafia looks up in a confused bewilderment. ***

 

Funyon: *ahem* …Mafia has been…eee - liminated!!

 

*** The obviously still hurting Tod is on his knees, catching his breath. Mafia shoves aside Mark Hebner and absolutely lets loose on Tod. With hard kicks to the head and body of the fallen Tod. ***

 

King: Kicks of DEATH~!!

 

*** Mafia is in absolute rage at being eliminated by the less than 100% Tod, and he lets him know about it. He nearly wears out his boot sole on Tod's head and drives him down with three consecutive jumping piledrivers. He shoves aside Matt Kivell, Ed Long and Mark Hebner and picks up Tod by the hair for more damage. He hooks up the reverse DDT position and DRIVES him down with his finishing move. ***

 

Axis: There's the Mob Hit on Tod deKindes! Tod has to be OUT!

 

*** The referee corps finally manage to get Mafia out of the ring, who's feeling proud of his work. He adds in one more kick to the head before walking off to the locker room. ***

 

Axis: Quite a development here. Tod deKindes arrives from God knows where, rolls up Mafia …and he pins him!!

 

King: But he paid a heavy price for that one, guys.

 

*** As Mafia leaves, Xero slowly rolls back into the ring, sees the two men down and decides to throw an arm on top of Ash. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Thr--

 

*** Kick out by Ash. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the downed Tod lying on his back. He picks up Ash by the legs from behind and drives him down with a reverse powerbomb, right onto the prone Tod. After some pushing around by Xero, referee Mark Hebner has no choice but to count. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Three!!*

 

Funyon: Tod deKindes has been eee - liminated!!

 

Axis: Aw, that's too bad for Tod.

 

Edwin: He gave it his best, but tonight just wasn't his night.

 

King: It is TWO DOWN and ONE to go, guys!! One victory away from seeing Xero become the number one contender to the World title!

 

*** Meanwhile, Ash is leaning on the ropes, trying to get up. Xero walks over to him, intent on putting some more hurting, but Ash catches him out of nowhere into a fireman's carry position and drives him down with the K Cutter. ***

 

Axis: K Cutter by Ash Ketchum! This could be it!!

 

Edwin: But both guys are out!

 

*** Hebner fires up his mandatory ten count. Both men start to stir up at around seven…At nine, Ash throws his arm on top of Xero for the cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Thre…--

 

*** Kick out at the last second by Xero. Both men get to their feet slowly. Right hands are exchanged. Ash gets the better part of that exchange and Irish whips Xero in the far ropes. Clothesline is ducked, same for a back elbow. In a rare display of power advantage, Ash catches Xero off the rope with a military press slam. He does a few reps and slams him back down to the canvas. Xero quickly staggers up to his feet, but Ash quickly scoops him up and slams him back down, perpendicular to one of the corners, meaning only one thing… ***

 

Axis: He's going up top, possibly for the Snorlax Splash!!

 

*** Ash, perched up on the top turnbuckle, looks sideways to the crowd for approval. As they approvingly cheer in response, Ash flies off with the grace of a light heavyweight acrobat and connects with his variant on the Five Star Frog Splash. Cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Thre…--

 

*** Xero gets the shoulder up at the last second. Ash gives a quick single pound of the mat in frustration. ***

 

Edwin: No matter what offense Ash utilizes, Xero still finds a way to avoid being pinned and to get to his feet!

 

King: That's because Xero simply wants it MORE than Ash Ketchum!

 

*** As Ash starts picking up the pace, he slams Xero down once again to the mat and once again climbs up to the top rope… ***

 

Axis: A SECOND Snorlax Splash by Ash Ketchum!! He's got him now!

 

*** Cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Thre…--

 

*** Ash stares at Mark Hebner in utter disbelief. Although not one to let that get to him, he drags Xero back to his feet, getting set to dish out some more offense…but he suddenly finds Xero's outstretched arm lodged right between his legs…Ash falls to his knees, out of breath. ***

 

Axis: What a low blow by Xero!

 

Edwin: It's a surprise Mark Hebner didn't step in there…

 

King: Welp! There goes Misty's evening right there!

 

*** Xero further weakens Ash with a powerful corner Irish whip / corner clothesline double combo. Xero sees Ash stumbling in center of the ring and makes a run for a corner, more precisely the top turnbuckle. He stands upright and spins his finger in the air, much like Jake The Snake Roberts once did to signal the end… ***

 

King: Guys, it should be noted that Xero has made the "Twirly Finger" motion with his hand…

 

Edwin: And you know what that means!

 

*** Xero times himself carefully…and jumps off the ropes, connecting with an amazing tornado DDT. ***

 

Axis: The Xero Gravity on Ash Ketchum, that's his move!!

 

*** The move is successfully applied, but nobody's moving… ***

 

Axis: Xero can't capitalize and get in place to make the cover!

 

*** As Mark Hebner slowly reaches nine…Xero crawls over and hooks a leg for the cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Thre…--

 

Axis: NO!!

 

King: Slow count!! Slow count!! That was a damn slow count!!

 

Axis: Ash Ketchum will NOT go down so easily!!

 

*** Xero gets up and orders Ash to do the same. Once Ketchum is on his knees, Xero grabs him by the hair and hops up to a second turnbuckle, prepping him for another tornado DDT. ***

 

Axis: He's going for that other variation of the Xero Gravity. If he hits this, then this match is sure to belong to him.

 

*** Xero springs off the ropes, twists around while holding Ash by the head…but Ash shoves him off! Xero lands face first, as Ash gets a quick second or two in order to catch his breath. He sees Xero lying on his stomach, and capitalizes on the situation at hand. He locks Xero's leg with his own, leans forward, hooks on a dragon sleeper and cranks back with all his might. ***

 

Axis: There's the Total Nightmare by Ash Ketchum!! Xero is on dream streak!!!

 

King: No!!! Come on, Xero!! Get to the ropes!!

 

Edwin: Come on, Ash!! Pull back harder!! He's yours!!

 

Axis: Xero is screaming in agony in the center of the ring!! Will he tap out?!

 

King: No freaking way!! Xero is way too good for this!! He'll find a way out of the hold, I can assure you!!

 

*** The cameras pick up the dialog taking place in the ring. ***

 

Ash: Come on, ask him!!

 

Hebner: What do you say, Xero?!

 

Xero: (grunting) Aaaarrgh, noooo!!!

 

Hebner: What do you say, you wanna give it up!?

 

Xero: (quickly fading away) Gaahh…nooo…!!!

 

Ash: He's done, ref!! Ask him!!!

 

Hebner: One more time, Xero, what do you say?

 

Xero: …

 

Hebner: Come on, answer me!

 

Xero: …

 

*** Xero's arms go limp. Hebner nudges him for good measure, and Xero definitely appears to be out of it. ***

 

Edwin: Xero is NOT moving, guys!

 

*** Hebner takes Xero's left wrist, and raises it in the air … It drops. ***

 

Hebner: One!!

 

*** He picks up the left wrist one more time and raises it … and it drops once again. ***

 

Hebner: Two!!

 

Edwin: One more and it's in the bag!

 

*** Hebner raises Xero's lifeless wrist for a third and final time … he holds it extra long for good measure … and it drops! ***

 

Hebner: Three!! That's it, ring the bell!!

 

*** Bell rings, as Ash releases the hold in exhaustion. U2's "Elevation" fires up on the speakers, as an applauding Misty walks up the ring steps and into the ring, congratulating her man. ***

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this bout…and in the process becoming the NEW Number one contender for the SJL…he is the Pokéfreak…Ash - Keeeeetchuuuuuummm!!

 

*** As the crowd cheers on their favorite, Ash slowly gets up, allowing himself to have his arm raised by Mark Hebner. ***

 

Axis: Another big win for the Pokefreak, Ash Ketchum here tonight on Metal! He's gonna go on for another shot at the World title next week, in a triple threat match!!

 

King: I'm gonna be sick…

 

Edwin: Looking back, it was a closely fought contest. Each of the four men had a great chance of winning, but in the end, it was Ash Ketchum with his hand raised in victory.

 

Axis: That'll do it for us, for Suicide King and the commissionner Edwin MacPhisto; I am Axis and we will see - you - this - weekend, on Crimson!!! Good night everybody!!

 

King: Listen to heavy metal!!

 

*** The shot ends with Ash standing on the second rope, celebrating with the crowd and with Misty; as the SJL copyright logo flashes on the screen; and we slowly fade to black…aaand we're out. ***

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Here's your RESULTS.

 

T-Bone and Creed get blinkies.

 

Mak wins, actually WRITING A MATCH, MY GOD!

 

Durandal has a really good little promo.

 

Strangler writes the funniest thing I've read in weeks to replace the horrid abortion that both Reid and Jake failed to produce.

 

Frost wins the first contendership...

 

...and Ash wins the second, in Tod deKindes' excellent match.

 

Now, here is where the shit hits the fan.

 

FOUR PEOPLE wrote matches for this show.  I suppose everyone's due for a blow-show now and then--the WF just had one too.  We got back on track fairly quickly.

 

But this ain't the WF, bitches.

 

Here's a surprise for you.  Crusen and I were actually going to be bumping a huge number of people over the next couple of weeks to help alleviate the WF's roster problem, but that doesn't look like a such a sure thing anymore, since wankage is maximum.  If you can prove yourself, you might still get that shot.

 

The first step to proving thyself is to have thy ass brutally whipped.

 

Crimson is going to be the most lethal, brutal, sick, twisted punishment card ever devised, and the man who will be doing it will be the one, the only, the Hville Thugg, with a little help from the rest of his JLCC friends.  The card will be up later tonight.  Ye who have been good won't be punished.  Ye who have been bad...will be in for the ride of your lives.  

 

If you no-show Crimson, you are out of the fed.  Period.  Thank you, come again!

[Guest Thoth]

Oh, and don't forget me.  I'm going to rape you fucking bitches good.