Promo: Going to America!

[Bruce Blank 0]

Location: Craggy Island Parochial house.

Time: Late evening

Weather: a lovely autumn rain storm that’s been going on for (checks watch) 7 months now.

The fever: Travel fever!!

 

Father Ted is standing by the window of the living room of the parochial house, staring out at the rain, the dark unrelenting rain, that’s not relented for 7 whole months now, which is why it’s called unrelenting

 

“I can’t wait to get the feck out of here” Father Ted utters as he pulls the curtains shut. In the background Father Dougal McGuire enters the room wearing a cork belt, inflatable water wings, swimming flippers, a diving mask and snorkel.

 

*FLAP*FLAP*FLAP*

 

“Ah hello Dougal, ready for the trip?” Father Ted asks when he sees the ridiculous outfit the younger priest is wearing

 

*mumbles*

 

“No, no Dougal you have to take the snorkel out when you want to talk to me” Ted says as Dougal just mumbles something indistinguishable.

 

Dougal quickly removes the snorkel.

 

“I guess only fish can understand you when you talk like that eh Ted?” Father Dougal says in his simpleton ways.

 

“Are you ready to go Dougal?” Ted Asks again

 

”Go?? Where are we going?” Dougal asks as a confused look creeps over his face.

 

“We’re going to American Dougal” Ted reminds him.

 

“Really? America?? OOH Ted that sounds really excellent – when did you decide this?” Dougal asks.

 

“I told you the other day, and the day after that – I’ve been telling you on the hour, every hour for 4 days now that we’re all going to America” Ted says with badly hidden annoyance.

 

“Oh right – right, so it was just decided now eh?” Dougal says totally ignoring what Father Ted said. “So why are we going to America Ted?”

 

“I have to perform a special funeral ceremony” Ted says as he holds up an “Ashes 2 Ashes” poster and smiles, he looks forward to the opportunity to get on television and make a bit of cash on the side – a bit of cash that he isn’t really planning on telling the catholic church about.

 

“Oh I hate funerals Ted, they’re always so depressing and full of dead people and really boring guys in black talking about god and other mumbo jumbo”

 

“Dougal?” Ted says as he points to his priest collar to remind him younger friend that they are indeed both priests.

 

“Oh yes right… right. So what’s this special ceremony Ted?”

 

“Well Dougal – I have been selected by Bishop Brennan to take part in a television show in the states called “Ashes to Ashes” – There will be this whole segment starring me… and some wrestlers I suppose.” Ted starts to explain

 

“Ashes 2 Ashes Ted?” Dougal says as his eyes light up. “That’s that SWF Pay Per View! This is amazing! We’re going to the show! We’re going to the show!!” Dougal says as he jumps up and down in place for a moment or two. Then he stops and looks at Father Ted in a suspicious way.

 

“But Bishop Brennan hates you Ted? Why did he select you for the job?” Dougal asks suspiciously.

 

Ted just laughs, it’s not like Bishop Brennan would send him to America to try and keep order in some cemetery while a bunch of people fight and try to break each other’s necks and he may potentially end up hurt now is it?.

 

“Maybe he saw my funeral over Owen’s prize sheep and was impressed” Ted says as he lights up a cigarette. “Anyways come on Dougal the plane leaves in 2 hours from Craggy Island International airport, hair care and food supplies.”

 

Mrs. Doyle, their housekeeper, enters the room carrying a tray with a teapot and a stack of cups and saucers.

 

“Ah there you are Fathers – will you have a cup of tea before you go to America?” Mrs. Doyle asks them.

 

“No thanks Mrs. Doyle, I’m quite alright. We’ll be off soon anyways” Father Ted says as he puts up a hand to stop her.

 

“Oh won’t you have just one cup?” She pleads.

 

“No thanks I’m fine”

 

“But you won’t have anything to drink before you get to America Father, won’t you have a cup?” she pleads

 

“You know they do serve tea on the plane Mrs. Doyle.” Father Ted explains but Mrs. Doyle just giggles

 

“Sure Father, next you’ll be telling me that they server food on the plane too”

 

“They do Mrs. Doyle”

 

“Well then… I guess you won’t be needing these” Mrs. Doyle says all offended as she picks up two suitcases that have sandwiches sticking out in a few places. “I made these specially for you *sob*”

 

Mrs. Doyle is about to walk off, sobbing and insulted when Ted stops her.

 

“Hold on Mrs. Doyle – we’ll eat them, just put them over there” he says pointing to a wooden crate.

 

“I knew you were fibbing about them serving food, I mean next you’ll tell me they serve drinks on the plane too”

 

“DRINK!!” Father Jack Hackett utters as he comes out of his comatose state for the first time as he looks around for a drink. Mrs. Doyle comes over to him with a nice hot cup of tea.

 

“What do you say to a nice cup of tea Father?” she asks.

 

“Feck off cup!” Father Jack yells and knocks the cup out of his hand.

 

Both Father Ted and Father Dougal try to ignore the crusty, nasty, abusive Father Jack.

 

“So Ted, who’s in this funeral ceremony of yours??” Dougal asks, hoping to maybe be able to get an autograph or two of some of his SWF idols.

 

“I don’t know much about it but they said there was a guy named Brice who arranged it all?” Ted says, quickly displaying his lack of knowledge of the SWF

 

”Brice??… Do you think it could have been Bruce? Bruce Blank?” Dougal the SWF superfan quickly asks.

 

“Yes I suppose it could be” Ted answers… then he gets a little suspicious. “Why? Do you know him?”

 

“Oh yeah Ted, he’s the Hardcore champion – he’s mad. He likes to hit people with barbwire bats and throw them off buildings – it’s great fun.

 

“He sounds like a bit of an eedjit to me Dougal.” Ted replies.

 

“Oh don’t let him catch you saying that” Dougal warns. “I wonder who his opponent is?”

 

“No one mentioned any other names. It could be that they’re having a hard time finding anyone who’s willing to participate, or maybe it’s a surprise Dougal” Ted says

 

“Oh I love surprises” Dougal says

 

”Yes, yes Dougal we all do” Ted says hoping to stop the conversation right there.

 

“Like the time Father Jack surprised you in the bathroom and then taped you to the toilet with sticky tape and you were stuck there for 5 days” Dougal says while laughing.

 

“That was not funny!” Ted says angrily.

 

Father Jack just giggles as he looks at Ted and then looks at a roll of tape.

 

“That reminds me Ted – how are we going to get Father Jack on the plane?” Dougal asks, knowing how problematic travelling with Father Jack can be.

 

“Don’t worry Dougal, I got it all figured out.” Ted says and winks. Then he holds up a bottle of whiskey in front of Father Jack’s face

 

“DRINK!! DRINK!!” Father Jack shouts as he begins to lick his lips all excitedly, not taking his eyes off the bottle for a moment.

 

“Go get it Father Jack” Ted says as he throws the bottle inside the wooden crate in the corner. The old crusty priest quickly leaps out of his chair and runs after the bottle inside the crate. Seconds later Father Ted slams the lid shut and begins to hammer nails in.

 

“Come on Dougal help me nail it shut before he’s drunk the whole bottle”

 

“This will be fun Ted, we’re going to America – to SWF.” Dougal says with a smile. “Maybe they’ll let me introduce the match? I’d be dead good as a ring announcer or something”

 

Fade out as Father Ted and Father Dougal nail the box shut and then slap a sticker on it that says “Dangerous Animal: Do not feed” on the side.

 

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For those that do not know the brilliance of “Father Ted” then here is a visual aid to help you get the images of Father Ted, Dougal, Jack & Mrs. Doyle in your head.

 

 

(Left to right: Father Ted, Father Jack (Seated) Father Dougal and their housekeeper Mrs. Doyle on the right.)