alix and johnny jax for tonight's HD!

[Patty O'Green 0]

A red pyro fountain springs forth from an opening on the staging, as [i]Anything but me[/i] by pop diva Lindsay Lohan plays over the loud speakers. The legion of wrestling aficionados gathered at the arena jump out of their overpriced and uncomfortable seats to emit a raucous deep throated cheer for the returning Alix Spezia! As the cheers of the fans, some of whom are waving a COD signs like it's a flag, increases in decibel level, Alix herself steps onto the staging area to soak in the massive display of love. The perpetually perky lass is all smiles, waving to her adoring fanbase. Amidst the swirling of blood red, and bubblegum pink spot lights, Alix struts down the ramp, accompanied by the fan support and her entrance music. While she's walking, Triple C discuss manners of life, love, money, and the cultural ramifications of the NBA dress code.

COLE
Alix Spezia making their long awaited return to the OAOAST!

CABOOSE
Long awaited by who?

Entering the ring, Alix sports low rise flared and destroyed jeans, and a short sleeve light blue Polo shirt. You best believe she's got the collar turned up, because ladies is pimps to, go on brush your shoulder off. Miss Spezia requests a microphone, and is promptly given one by a ringside attendant who's a dead ringer for Christian Slater.

“ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!” Chant the mindless sheep that inhabit the stands.

ALIX
Before I came out here, I couldn't remember if my name was Margret or Kimmy. But it looks like it's none of the above! Thanks for reminding me! Um, hi. How are ya? How are the kids? I know there are lot of questions on your mind. Like, where have I been? What have I been up to? What illegal narcotics have been up my nose? I know in my absence, you've probably seen me on E! or Court TV a few times, or maybe you were called for jury duty at my trial. So, you've seen me around, but I know you're thrilled to have me back! Ya know, one of the reasons I came back, besides my probation telling me if I don't get a job I go to the slammer, is for ya'll....my fans! All your letters, and your cards, and your pictures, and your um..foreskin, Joe Kitzmiller from Ohio, really meant a whole lot to me. During those long, hard nights, where I thought no one cared about me, all I had to do was pull out the three hundered page snuff story about me that Louis Wilson from Jefferson City, Missouri sent me, and I know that I have the sweetest, most charming, most gruesomely perverted, fans in the world! And there something I need to say to all....

[i]In a world full of posers, phonies, and pure wannabees,
there finally emerges a group
which has come to set the record straight.
so, all you suckers better recognize, ya heard
can you say uhhh na na na na...

[B]Wanna make her say UHHH NA NA NA NA...
[/B][/i]

COLE
What's this?

Alix's speech is interrupted by [i]Make her say[/i], the only decent song ever released by c-list boy band O-Town. The spectator's take to booing their lungs out, as Cole rambles about GPX's crushing loss at WWE to the Usual Suspects. Unsure of what's happening, Alix turns her attention to the entrance way. Through the doors/curtain/what have you, steps nefarious evil doer Johnny Jax. The defending Anderson Cup champion is outfitted in an Upstarts hockey jersey, who's logo features two Snakes forming the shape of the U, and baggy orange work out pants. Most importantly he carries with him Alix's stolen trick or treat bag. The man has a microphone, but it's questionable if the heated crowd will quiet their chants of “Johnny Jackass” long enough to let him talk.

JOHNNY JAX
(casually)
I can sit here all day.

“JOHNNY JACKASS! JOHNNY JACKASS!”

JOHNNY
All day. You can to. Ya'll ain't doing nothing with your life. We can run down the whole damn two hours. Ya'll just chanting and chanting away, me just sitting here. Doing nothing. You paid eighty bucks a ticket, just to call me a jackass? That's fine. Money in my pocket. Call me whatever you want.

“JOHNNY JACKASS! JOHNNY JACKASS!”

JOHNNY
(screaming)
Okay, shut up! Shut up, right now! I'll go Artest on each and every single one of you! I'll floor you with Ben Wallace style elbows! You hear me? 

“JOHNNY JACKASS! JOHNNY JACKASS!”

JOHNNY
(Talking in a comical sophisticated” voice.)
Very well. I apologize for my outburst. Feel free to chant whatever you wish. I'm just going  to savor the fine candy products I have in this beautifully decorated Bratz trick or treat bag. Boy, I sure am hungry? Hey! Why wait? I'll grab a Snickers!(Johnny honestly puts the half eaten sixth month old candy bar that came from the bottom of Krista's purse in his mouth)......mmmmm, such a delectable candy treat. An orgy of taste, and just like Leon Rodez in one of his videos, my tastebuds are the catcher!  Delicious. It's like a chocolate and caramel  [i]orgasm[/i] on my tongue. 

ALIX
That's my orgasm you're eating!

COACH
!!!!!

The few crowd members who aren't joining Coach in visualizing Johnny eating Alix's orgasm begin to boo Johnny's treacherous behavior, but he's now able to talk over their jeers.

JOHNNY
(Pointing at Alix)
Ain't this lovely? A heroine returning home. That's real swell. Real swell. Bitch, please.  What's wrong with ya'll people? Cheering her? Being all happy and whatnot? Clapping for what she gotta say? What she gotta say is the biggest load of bullshit these two ears have ever heard. 

COLE
Jesus, Johnny, let the fans enjoy one moment, without you or the Upstarts sticking your nose into it!

JOHNNY
Let me spit on this for uno momento. The woman says she thanks you for her support. The woman says the fans mean the world to her. That ain't nothing but straight up lie. If anyone of you buys that, come see me after the show, because I got a bridge I wanna sell you.  Let me ask ya'll this;  if she cared so much about the OAOAST, how come in the two years she's been under contract here, she's never stuck around longer then five months? That's not even half a year. Gimme a real good answer, don't show me no excuses. What's that sound I hear? Silence. Why? Because there ain't no good answer. You know as well as I do, that there ain't a soul in this arena who cares less about the OAOAST, less about pro wrestling in general, then Alix Maria Spezia. This ain't [i]Cheers[/i]. She ain't no Norm. Ya'll ain't gotta be all "ALIX!" whenever you see her. 

"ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!"

JAX
You just had to do that, didn't you. See, I've been thinking about this for a while, and I've broke her's and Krista's moves down into a cycle. I call it, the COD cycle. Clever? Peep this: Alix and Krista come in, they leech off the OAOAST's popularity, then they duck out for more "respectable" entertainment ventures. Then what happens? Their status needs a kick in the pants, their agents say they need some publicity, so they come back here, and the cycle repeats. They don't have concern for the OAOAST, for wrestling, or for the fans who pay their inflated salaries. Yet she's the good guy. Cute little Alix. Everybody'll bend over backwards for her. Everybody loves her. Don't we? Don't we all love Alix? 

“YESSSSSSS!”

ALIX
I think she's kind of a bitch. But, man, is she a hottie! 

JOHNNY
(voice rising with wicked inflection)
I don't love Alix. I hate Alix. I, GPX, the Upstarts as whole, get treated like animals, savages, when we've been in the trenches in the OAOAST nonstop, going to war, putting in work, for over a god damn year! And we get no respect for it. And when we grow the guts to ask for some respect, and try to get what we have coming, ya'll shit all over us. [i]I[/i] never skipped out on the OAOAST to peddle self help fluff to overweight soccer moms like that Suzanne Sommers wannabe, Krista Isadora Duncan. I have stood by the OAOAST since the minute, the very minute, look it up on a stopwatch, I graduated wrestling school. This is my life. This isn't no cute little side venture I do when I get bored of showing my ass in FHM. But, [i]I[/i] am an evil person. Johnny Jax ain't no good. He's a bad, bad, bad man. Johnny Jax has no morals. Shame on Johnny Jax! What kind of screwed up human beings, are you people? Loveable little Alix rolls into town, and you treat her like the princesses [i]and[/i] the knight in shining armor. She's never done anything for this company! Not a thing! I'm starting a revolution! I'm changing the OAOAST! She ain't even smart enough to change a flat tire! This chick ain't no OAOAST hero. You need to be booing her! Boo. Boo now.

"ALIX! ALIX!"

JOHNNY
No, boo!

“ALIX! ALIX!”

JOHNNY
I see ya'll are a little slow, must be why you like her, ya got something common. I said b-o-o! Boo! Boo!

COLE
Psst, Caboose, I think he's calling your name.

“ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!”

JOHNNY
All right. Lemme switch my style, try something different.  Ya'll like a winner right? People love a winner. Ya'll think that Alix and Krista are winners, so you cheer them. If she was Sk8er boi Marv, who'd give a shit, if she came or went? But the woman's no winner. Not at all. She's a choke artist. Alix, I remember your last appearance in the OAOAST.... 

ALIX
(playing with her cellphone, not paying attention to Johnny)
[i]Behind these Hazel Eyes[/i] or [i]Sole Survivor[/i]?

JAX
Woman, what is your issue?

ALIX
Nothing! I'm trying to pick a ring tone. Just do whatever, dude.

JOHNNY
You stepped into the ring with the Midnight Express, who I'm no fan off, and ya'll choked hard. Now, coming off that failure, you roll back into my hood, into the house GPX built, and you and Ellen..

ALIX
Ooh, an Ellen joke! Very, very, creative, Jimmy. It's because they're both blonde, isn't it, Jimmy?

JOHNNY
I'm Johnny.

ALIX
Then which one's Jimmy?

JOHNNY
(yelling)
There ain't a Jimmy, sister! There is just Johnny, and Scotty!

ALIX
What happened to Jimmy? I miss him.

JOHNNY
Ugh! I can't do this anymore. You're driving me crazy! Ya'll ain't welcome here, ya'll ain't never gonna be welcome here. You don't need wrestling like we do? Then there'll be no problem with you leaving. Back the hell on up before you get smacked the hell on up. Hear me?

ALIX
Wow. Gee golly, Johnny! I kinda get the feeling you don't like me a whole bunch. 

JOHNNY
I don't. The OAOAST needs you around like I need a case of the clap.

ALIX
Well, Johnny in order to get the clap, you'd have to have sex first. And seeing that you're the only guy I know who's currently lactating, your options for sexual partners may be a wee bit limited. Now, I'm sorry that you feel this way about me. You're right, Johnny, maybe I'm not here that often, maybe Krista and I aren't always around as much you'd like, but at least, because we expand our horizons, our fanbase, unlike your's, doesn't consist solely of candidates for MTV's [i]Trailer Fabulous[/i]. 

(Alix ashes her “flaming” index her finger on her BUTT, to show that Johnny just got burned.)

ALIX
And if we want to talk about choking, then maybe just maybe we want to talk about your performance at this year's Anglemania. How bout that, Johnny-BUTT? Who did you face again? You know my memory is bad, one of the primary side effects of having a mother who sniffs Raid when she's pregnant with you. Can you remind me?

JOHNNY
You know damn good and well who I faced, bitch!

ALIX
I really don't! Honest engine! Maybe, one of these beautiful fans can help! And I mean beautiful on the inside, because most of you need to see if Doctor 90210'll make a housecall!

(Alix departs the ring to seek the answer from the morbid collection of bottom feeders, street urchins, and natural born losers that make up the OAOAST's fanbase.)

ALIX
No, too fat...If I was looking to cast the lead role in the Elephant man, then yes.....No...They let you out of the zoo?

(She stumbles upon a round woman with rosy cheeks, a lazy eye, and obvious hair plugs in the first row. Sadly, she's the best looking person in the arena.)

ALIX
Ma'am, what's your name?

WOMAN
Layla.

ALIX
Layla? Like the song!

LAYLA
?

ALIX
You know, Layla, ya got me on my knees. layla...No? Not an Eric Clapton fan? Layla are you excited to be here in the city that we're currently in, who's name I forgot?

“Pensacola!” screams a fan.

ALIX
No thanks. I'm not thirsty. Layla, are you enjoying the show?

LAYLA
Not really.

ALIX
That makes eighteen thousand of us! Who's the guy next to you?

LAYLA
(sadly)
My husband.

ALIX
Gawd, I'm so sorry.

LAYLA
Not as sorry as I am.

ALIX
Anywho, Layla, you and me are gonna play a fun lil game. Unlike the games I played in college it doesn't end with me going to pay a visit to old mister coat hanger, if ya know what I mean. The game is a personal, personal, favorite of mine. It's called [i]Kill Johnny Jackson's heat[/i]. I'm like a sensei at it. Like Splinter. Only I'm not a rat. Well, at least not in that sense. And my mom flushed my pet turtles down the toilet in a cocaine fueled rage. Anywho, what ya gotta do is by the end of this segment, is ya have ta render Johnny-BUTT up there totally ineffectual as an upper midcard heel. Make it so that he couldn't get heat if he was thrown into a furnace. Are ya ready ta partaaaaaay!!!?

LAYLA
I suppose.

ALIX
Oh yeah, babycakes! So tell me, dear sweet Layla, who did the Global Party Exchange face at Anglemania?

LAYLA
Uh, you and Krista?

ALIX
Layla, you're so turning me on right now. And what was the result again?

LAYLA
You won?

ALIX
(fanning herself)
Gawd, I'm gonna need a new change of underwear pretty soon, Layla. We did win, didn't we?  And who did everyone think would win?

LAYLA
(inching way from Alix)
Um, GPX?

ALIX
Oh, Layla, I need feel the pleasure of your body against mine! If GPX said they were going win, if everyone thought GPX was going to win, and GPX didn't win, then what in tarnation did GPX actually do? Think hard. The destruction of Johnny's wrestling career rests in your answer!

LAYLA
They choked?

ALIX
No more words, Layla! We've got love to make! Unleash the spirit of the savage sex goddess within me! A gold star for you, my lady!

(As Alix actually puts a gold star sticker onto Layla's nose, young Johnathan rips off his eighty dollar hockey jersey and violently discards it to the floor.)

JOHNNY JAX
(staring at the ground, pulling his hair out with his free hand.)
Enough of this crap! I'm not going through [i]this[/i] again wit' you. This problem is gonna get squashed before it can even jump off. We bout to see who's bout to get choked and who's bout to get choked. Get me a referee right now. I want a match. I will march down to that ring and punch on the both of you like your last name was Everlast. Understand me, bitches?

ALIX
Wait, wait, wait at a minute, Mister Postman, you wanna fight Layla to? I dunno if the company's insurance will cover that....

JOHNNY
(laughing, because the thought of fighting a fan is rather comical.)
Uh..no...yeah...um...I'll fight you both in a handicapped match. (now he's coming around to the idea of battering a helpless women) An example's gotta be made! The world's gotta be shown that it don't matter if you're a wrestler, announcer, referee, staff, or fan, if you stand in the way of the Upstarts, you stand to get beat. 

LAYLA
(shaking her head)
No way! I don't know how to wrestle!

ALIX
That's a-okay! Neither does Zack Malibu and he's a two time world champion!

(Alix does her little “burn” taunt again.)

COLE
Um, I guess that settles it. When we come back, Alix Spezia and Layla, not Krista Isadora Duncan, but Layla a fan with no wrestling ability, will face off against Johnny Jax, two time tag team champion, co-winner of the OAOAST Anderson Cup, founding member of the Upstarts, and man who can bench press twice his weight.

(A BREAK)

(NO LONGER A BREAK)

COLE
We're back on HeldDOWN! This handicapped match is brought to you by [i]Elegance[/i] a new fragrance by Krista Isadora Duncan. And this oddball contest sees Johnny Jax squaring off with a returning Alix Spezia and a..

CABOOSE
A country cow.

COLE
This an impromptu match, made just moments before break. Please excuse the logic gap of us being able to secure a sponsor for a match we didn't know would take place until two minutes ago. Alix isn't even wearing her normal wrestling tights. She looks more like an Abercrombie model. So does Johnny for that matter, but at least he's in actual athletic gear.

In the battle field, the longtime adversaries meet in the center of the ring. The crowd is understandably abuzz at the in ring return of one of their favorite grapplers. But before their lust for Johnny's blood can be satisfied, Alix strangely extends her hand in friendship to Johnny J. The cuter half of GPX is rather skeptical of the offer from the offer of the cuter half of COD. And with good reason, as this gesture flies in the face of the twenty minute promo they just worked. Thinking Johnny is too dumb to get her gesture, Alix screams like a banshee for him to shake her hand. Just to get Alix to end her ear splitting shrieks, Johnny agrees to shake hands. However when he puts his hand forward, Alix pulls her's away and stomps on Johnny's vintage Air Jordans!

“OUCH!” Jackson bellows, hopping around like a two ton anvil was dropped on him, rather then the foot of a one hundred thirty pound woman. “What the hell?” He hollers at her.

“Johnny, I'm so sorry.” Alix puts on her innocent puppy dog face. “I don't know what came over me! Really, let's shake hands. I want to be friends!”

Either being one of the most gullible people on earth, or having a god awful short term memory, Jax lets bygones be bygones, and shakes Alix's hand. However, her free hand slaps a wad of spit right out his arrogant mouth,to the audience's delight!

“AH!” Johnny whines, amid chants of “ALIX! ALIX!”

“Okay, okay, okay. I quit. I'm sorry. I'll stop. Let's really shake hands. I won't do anything. Scouts honor.”

To properly convey her desire for peace, Alix points to her chest, points to Johnny, then draws a heart in the air with her fingers. Alix + Johnny=love. AWWWW! Ain't that just the cutest thing you've ever read? Even Jax's blackened heart is warmed by such a loveable display. As such he once again shakes her hand. And they shake. And they shake. And they shake some more. And Johnny gets a little creeped out because Alix won't let go of his hand. And finally Layla gets the hint, sneaks into the ring and stuns poor Jackson with a low blow! The spectators are head over heels in love with the sneak attack.

COACH
Talk about fan participation!

Utilizing the element of surprise, Alix goes for a snap DDT, but Johnny recovers quickly enough to shove her into the ropes. On the rebound she leaps upwards for a Booker T style side kick! Jax ducks her comparatively leg, and lets her sail overhead. He spins around to unleash a roaring back elbow on her, but  finds himself floored with a well placed leg lariat! After smacking the hard as granite mat the groaning youngster rolls onto his abs of steel to shield his aching face. Alix takes advantage of his exposed backside, by jumping up and coming down on him like Super Mario onto a Goomba, nailing him with a nasty double stomp right to the back of the head! Poor Johnathan, in dire need of an Aspirin, turns onto his back, which allows Alix to drop down on him for a pin attempt.

ONE

TWO

NO

“BOOOOOO! HISSSSS!”

Both cruiserweight competitors get to their feet, Johnny defying logic by standing up quicker then Alix. His muscular arms whip our feisty heroine to the ropes. Upon her speedy return he shoots her remarkably high into the sky with a flapjack. But the beloved brunette, lands on his broad shoulders and enrages him by hitting a gorgeous hurricanrana! Or does she? No she doesn't, because Jax, spelled with one x, smartly lands her on the mat and turns the tables, by transforming her hurricanrana into a lion tamer, spelled with zero x's.  Despite the fact she's in a move so lethal that it ends most matches, Ally Cat has little trouble making her way to the florescent orange ring ropes, forcing the Upstart to break his hold to the joy of the fans.

COLE
It's great to see Alix back!

COACH
And it's great to see Alix's backside. Girl, watchu gonna do with all that junk? All that junk. All that junk inside your trunk?

Outraged at not scoring a submission, Johnny grabs Al by her short coffee colored hair and drags her to her feet. He unloads a batch of unprintable obscenities at her, before Irish Whipping her away. However, Alix reverses the most nonsensical move in wrestling and sends the teen idol running across the ring like a buffoon. Said buffoon encounters a fist to the face courtesy of Porky Pig...excuse me, I mean Layla. This attack from the beastly woman who looks nothing like the one Eric Clapton envisioned when he wrote that song, pops the audience.

CABOOSE
Well, she's picking up the nuances of tag team wrestling very quickly.

Johnny's face turns bright red as he screams at the fan, “You done set it off now, you fat...”

Before a grizzly fate can befall the middle aged mother of two, Alix surprises Johnny with a forearm to the back. No one knows why, when Johnny's back was turned, Alix hit a forearm and not a more punishing move. But Alix is good looking so the fan's applaud anyway. Johnny staggers away from the Los Angeles native, but she stays with him, and locks on a sleeper hold. Fortunately for the heat of this match and the ratings of this show, the hold doesn't stay on for more then ten seconds, as the energetic hip-hopper reverses it into a back body drop! Alas, agile Alix slips out of the move and lands on her flip flops, to the immense displeasure of the lone Johnny Jax fan in the 78th row. Alix rushes to the ropes, bounces off, and comes back at John with several heads worth of steam. But Jax has danced to this music before, and is patiently waiting for his tango partner. He tags her right smack in the jaw with a stupendous super kick! The lone Johnny Jax fan ejaculates. So do I.

COACH
If you look closely you can see down Alix's shirt. What you gonna do with all that breast? All that breast inside your shirt.

Assuring himself that the outcome of the match is academic after that spectacular move, Johnny goes for a cover. Before the official's small mind can even think of counting, a walrus waddles into the ring and breaks up the pin! I'm sorry that's not a walrus, that's Layla. Silly me. Layla's interference elicits the ire of the hot headed Upstart. Fuming, his Air Jordans carry him to her before she can escape the ring. He grabs a fist full of what little hair she has on her balding head, while her husband in the front row takes a nap. The worried audience pleads for Johnny to let Layla go, but their begging only makes him more determined to inflict massive damage!

COACH
Johnny, my brother, let her go! That's my rat for the night!

Fortunately for Coach's insatiable libido, Alix saves the day with a low blow! After two stiff low blows it's doubtful if there's any Johnny juniors in Jax's future. The fashionably dressed fighter hauls her unfabulous foe into an unprettier set up. Fraught with fear, Jax furiously worms his way out of the deadly hold, then angrily shoves his smaller rival to the ropes. Alix, mighty upset at having her Unprettier blocked, runs back at Jax with the nastiest clothesline she can muster. However Johnny is quick to duck it! His avoidance carries catastrophic after affects as Alix comes dangerously close to colliding with Layla! Fortunately Alix holds up before The Super fan, who's gone pale from fear, can get her head taken off. Although a headless Layla, might be an improvement over the current version. That is one ugly bitch. Someone take this cow to the slaughter.

Just as she's apologizing for nearly breaking her partner's nose,  Alix is nailed in the back with a beautiful flipping drop kick by Johnny! This sends Alix stumbling forward, and she's unable to stop herself from running into Layla! OH NOES!!!! After getting hit by Alix, Layla's portly frame tumbles through the ropes to the unforgiving onyx colored mats on the outside! At the point of her landing The Weather Channel issues reports of an earthquake in Pensacola, FLA! Layla's husband does not seemed to be overly concerned that his beloved wife could have suffered a broken neck. 

CABOOSE
Don't say anything, Cole. Alix wasted time, and knocked her own teammate out of the ring. Let's call this match in a fair manner.

Back in the ring with the legitimate wrestlers, Johnny flings Alix backwards with a potentially devastating German Suplex! But the guilt stricken diva does a backflip that would make Mary Lou Reton green with envy, and lands squarely on her feet. With the crowd firmly planted on her side, she charges at Johnny! But the young lion lowers his body and successfully captures his flighty gazelle with a snap Northern Lights Suplex. Into a bridge!

1

2

KICK OUT!

“ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!”

Jax shoots the unnamed referee a nasty glare, but decides against further pursuing his grievance against the count.

COLE
I don't know if that was necessarily a slow count. But in fairness the official dropped down to make count slower then we'd expect from our referees.

Both on their feet, they engage in a slugfest, exchanging punches like currency. This doesn't last for more then a mere eleven seconds, as neither fighter will ever be accused of being a master pugilist. Alix whips Johnny into the black padded steel turnbuckles! Exhausted, Jam-master Jax crumples to the mat in a seated position, where the cheers of the crowd, coupled with the knowledge that he's lost control of this match aggravate him to no end. Alix points her finger into the air, and gyrates her hips, her signal for a bronco buster (or face full of yak if you're Stevie Ray). The forthcoming move whips the crowd into a frenzy ,and alleviates most of Jax's displeasure. Normally he has to get a girl pretty drunk to get this rough with him. However, Jax's broad smile soon morphs into an alarmed frown, as he sees a rejuvenated Layla passionately beg Alix to let her perform the bronco buster! Alix shrugs and gives the former GPX fangirl the thumbs up, and the audience pops once more, but for an entirely different reason!

COACH
Shucks! I would've gone to wrestling school if I knew I could get action this hot.

Johnny, not wishing to have his face crushed by two hundred plus pounds of Grade A beef, pleads for some semblance of mercy from his cruel tormentors. His appeal lands on deaf and unsympathetic ears, as Layla rumbles like a bull towards the youthful grappler. With the fans at a fever pitch (not the terrible Jimmy Fallon movie) Layla leaps into the air and crashes her rotten fish smelling, nasty, foul, diseased ridden crotch into Jax's sobbing face! His pleas for the arrival of death's sweet embrace are buried underneath the noisy roar of the fans, and Layla's thick rolls of stinky, sweaty fat. Eyes closed, and her lips formed into a pleasured smile, Layla rhythmically grinds her moldy nether regions into John's face, all while smacking her pock marked ass that jiggles like a jello mold.

COACH
SHAKE THAT LAFFY TAFFY, GIRL!

Finally Layla dismounts her stallion. Johnny staggers to his feet, the ordeal causing him to question the existence of Jesus. Vision blurry as if he'd lost his contacts he walks right into wicked roundhouse from Ally Cat. Fortunately, and I do mean fortunately, Johnny still has the wits about him to duck the move. The crowd lets out an OOOH because if that kick had met it's target, The Upstarts would be looking for a new member, as well as for Johnny's displaced head. Not put off by her kick's failure, Alix stays on the attack by hurling him into the ropes. The disheveled warrior, who now looks ten years older, tries something smart on his return, dropping to his stomach and sliding through Alix's open legs. But the California girl is a wee bit smarter then she lets on, and kicks her right foot behind her to block his path. As you can imagine, this leaves Jax in an unenviable predicament! You can almost hear the cries of the Upstarts from the locker room, urging him to stand up and fight back. Johnny's face is saturated with panic as Alix bends over and hooks him into a rear waist lock. Showing amazing strength for someone who may not even out weigh the common bird feather, Alix scoops Johnny into the air! Panicked at encountering a gruesome end, Jax frantically kicks his body against her's, loosening her grip. Spezia grimaces in pure frustration, while he uses his arms to hook her into a diamond cutter set up. In one vitally quick motion, Alix breaks her waistlock, then shoves Johnny into the ropes, ending the diamond cutter effort, but losing her German suplex as well. Double J comes back to her, and she takes out years of anger at the male gender on him with a hard toe kick to the breadbasket. With JJ doubled over, Alix sets up for her version of the always impressive sunset flip pile driver, bringing the spectators to their feet! However Johnny utilizes his considerable upper body strength to stand up and propel her overhead! But Grrrl Power again prevails in this sequence of reversals, as Alix lands with her feet on the ropes. She flips her brown hair out of her steel grey eyes, before springboarding back at Johnny with her second hurricanrana! But Johnny holds on tight, seeking to turn it into a most annihilative powerbomb!

COLE
Stay tuned for the conclusion of this match!

COACH
Don't you dare go to break, asswipe!

The fans let out a full-mouthed cheer, as ol' jelly-belly Layla gets into the ring, and clips Jax's knees! The teeny bopper collapses to the ground, involuntarily dropping the other teeny bopper right on top of him into a pinning situation. At the rude requests of the crowd, the ref drops to the mat and makes the count!

CROWD
1

Alix reaches back and hooks Jax's left leg.

CROWD
2

CROWD
3!!!!!!

Alix's music kicks up, but it certainly isn't loud enough to eclipse the noise of the cheering fans, who are tickled with delight at seeing the returning superstar pick up the win over the abhorred hooligan.

COLE
How about that? Alix Spezia coming back to the OAOAST, teaming up with a random fan, and striking a blow for women's lib!

CABOOSE
What?

COLE
I don't know! 

As Alix has her hand raised, Layla begins excitedly jumping up and down in celebration. The rhythmic jiggling of her elephantine rolls of sweet supple fat, hypnotize half the audience into a trance like state. Johnny, for his part, storms out of the ring screaming about being cheated, and being suckered into a match he wasn't prepared for. At least he still has the Bratz trick or treat bag. His only regret is that it's not a [i]Bratz's babies[/i] trick or treat bag.

COACH
I know she and Krista, because of their mouth have made enemies you don't want to make. Just because you've got a mouth doesn't mean you have to talk with it. The Coach has a long list of things those fine honies can do with their mouthes besides talking. And if you're a good boy, Mikey, I may let you watch and learn. You gotta know how to please your man if you wanna keep your man, brah.