2 segments 4 2night's hd.

[Patty O'Green 0]

I got a stomach ache writing these. You can get a stomach reading them. Share my suffering. The other segment is in the second post in case you somehow miss it.

 

I don't care how these are spaced. Put 'em one after another, or way far apart. Whatever. Wherever, whenever, we're meant to be together.

 

CABOOSE
Tony Schiavone is backstage with that one blonde chick.

COACH
Crystal?

CABOOSE
The other blonde chick. The old one.

(And we do in fact go backstage where Tony S is in the interview area with the other blonde chick, the old one, Krista Isadora Duncan.)

TONY SCHIAVONE
Fans, Tony Schiavone here with you on OAOAST HeldDOWN. And from what I've seen, with the tag titles on the line, and the Dream Machines colliding in an X-Title match, this night is shaping up to be the greatest night in the history of professional wrestling. Standing beside me is an always radiant young lady, she is the namesake of the new fragrance [i]Elegance[/i], available at fine stores everywhere....

KRISTA
As in not Wal-Mart or Target! If you can buy diapers, tampons, and a Game Boy all in the same aisle, then that's not a store where you can find my perfume!

TONY
Krista Isadora Duncan, ladies and gentlemen. Krista, I'd like to start off this interview by asking..

KRISTA
You're not going to interview me.

JOSH
I'm not?

KRISTA
Hell no. For longer then I care to remember I've watched you, my favorite announcer, sit by and try to extract an intelligent thought of the oversized Neanderthals that inhabit this cesspool. That's like trying to extract a decent song out of Kelly Clarkson's vocal chords. It's pretty much impossible. No longer will I sit by while you, the only person besides myself and Alix,  who can lay claim to a diploma that doesn't come from a college with the words barber or clown in front of it, waste your intellect on these cretins. So, I'm going to interview you.  Ladies and gentlemen set your VCR's, your TIVO's, what have you, because I'm presenting to you the gospel according to Tony. Are you ready to preach the good word to the asses of the OAOAST? Excuse me, I meant masses. How silly of me. I don't know how I could've made that mistake.

(He nods)

KRISTA
Good stuff. Last week Johnny Jackson brought up the fact that Alix and I aren't in the OAOAST very often. Duh. He said our absenteeism should upset the fans. Are you upset by it, old friend? Does our absence bother you, comrade? Does it aggravate you, playmate?  Does it plague you,countryman ? Let me pull out my pocket thesaurus...does it nettle you, companion ? That's a good one. Nettle. I educate, Tony. I expand the mind.

TONY
I think the fans would appreciate it if you two were more consistent in your um..OAOAST activities. We all still like you, but it would be nicer, and you'd accomplish more if you were here on a regular basis.

KRISTA
I thank you for your honesty., Tony.

TONY
Honesty is a good policy.

KRISTA
It's the best policy. You know what else is an equally good policy?

TONY
What?

KRISTA
Getting your hand off my ass cheek.

TONY
Sorry.

KRISTA
You know what's an even better policy? Getting your hand off my [i]other[/i] ass cheek 

TONY
Sorry.

KRISTA
Tony, I'm a thinspiration for millions of overweight women across the globe, but you're an inspiration to me.  I'm gonna be honest to. I gotta be honest, baby. I can't bullshit you no more, Tony Schiayouhaveahardlastnametopronnounce. I gotta get something off my chest, and you need to help me, Tony.

(Tony starts to undo Krista's shirt)

KRISTA
Damn it, Tony! It's a metaphoric concept I need to take off, not my actual shirt. People, when you boo'ed Johnny Jackson last week, you boo'ed a man who spoke a golden truth! I never thought these words would spill out of my mouth, but Johnny Jax is right. Everything he said, was spot on. Unlike him, unlike a lot of other people here, wrestling isn't my life, and it isn't Alix's. That's honesty. And that's always created resentment between myself, and my fellow performers.  See, I'm better then all of them, and it drives them batty, because I don't put in nearly the amount of the work they do. Tony, I dwarf them in charisma, and I dwarf them in entertainment value, I make these chumps look like housewives doing community theater. These poor souls arrive to the arena early, spend all day watching tapes, trying to get better, trying to improve, trying to get ahead in the game, trying to perfect every nuance of the art of professional wrestling.  What does Krista Isadora Duncan do? I'll tell you what she does. She shows up and hour before the show starts, she walks out into the arena, the audience chants her name...

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

KRISTA
And she's good. I'm great, because I'm Krista Isadora Duncan, and I can be nothing less. I've got the crowd, the men, the women, the transgendered, the confused, the children, the adults, hanging off every word I say, the way they hang off my nuts. Metaphoric nuts, Tony, read nothing into it.  I could be deaf, dumb, and blind, and I'd still be a hell of a lot more enthralling then anyone in this company, past, present, and future. I can burp a better a promo, then they can speak. Once you've seen one Krista Isadora Duncan promo, you can just turn off the TV, and never watch it again, because just like Helen Hunt, that's as good as it gets. These kids in the lockeroom can't even hold my sport's bra long enough to get aroused. Johnny Jax, The Upstarts, everyone, is jealous of me, and to a much, much, much, lesser extent of Alix. That's honesty. That's what makes Johnny Jax so upset. But, I'm getting off track. I'm gonna ramble a lot, Tony. Because, I'm an angry woman. I hate everyone, and everything. My great grandfather was black, so you can call this promo [i]Diary of a mad 1/8ths black woman[/i]

TONY
We know why Alix returned, the long arm of the law forced her back, but what about Krista Isadora Duncan? Why did she come back?

KRISTA
Because Krista, just like the NBA, cares. KristaCares. When I saw Drek Stone, and Hoff vamoose, part of me actually began to worry about the OAOAST. I started to think this place was going down the drain. People proclaimed it a sinking ship! That upset me a great deal because where else can I pull down six figures for four months worth of easy work?

TONY
The WNBA?

KRISTA
Heavens no! Then people will think I'm a lesbian, and I certainly wouldn't want that! I came back because you needed me, Tony. You need the entertainment Krista brings to your table every time she hits the floor, because everyone else is slacking on the game. Look at your last pay-per-view mainevent. Horrible. In this fourway, you had first, a guy I've never heard of. I know he's from New England, but the only good thing to come out of New England is Stephen King. And this kid, who looks, talks, and acts, like the world's biggest down syndrome suffer is no Stephen King. This sack of shit probably can't write his own name, whatever it is, without going cross eyed and falling into a coma, much less a book. But hey, he's got a title belt! Well, sweetheart, when you're in a fed that has eighty billion belts, that doesn't mean a whole lot. I'm gonna call him deja-vu, because everything he says and does, I've seen done, and I've seen done better. The only redeeming thing about this idiot is that one day he'll be dead. Then there were two guy's in the match who, while mildly talented, earlier this year I was routinely beating like ho's on a street corner. They kept coming back for more like a battered spouse, I had to say “You can do better with your life. Find a woman who'll really love you.”  Now I find out one of them won a world championship! I'm just amazed that this guy's first major championship didn't come from an organization that had the words “Special” and “Olympics” in it. I don't even want to talk about the creepy English kid. And the fourth guy in that little match is now your champion. This four eyed geek makes Steve Urkel look like James Dean. I need a shot of Jim Beam just to watch this guy's matches. His most memorable feud was with a farm animal. A cow. And not a cool cow like the Gateway Computer cow. I wish he feuded with a donkey. Because at least a donkey would've kicked him in the balls so he couldn't reproduce. I'm rambling. I just hate so many people, and so many things. It's feels good to hate. I had no choice but to come back. You all need me, more then I'll ever need you. Because I'll never need you. Ever. Some of you can accept it. Some of you won't. That's fine. But, every person in this locker room, Upstart, Original, unaffiliated, or otherwise, needs come to this location right now, drop down to their knees, and bow before their better.

(The Sk8er Boiz, the ultimate nerds, actually come running to Krista and bow before her. Pathetic.)

TONY
There has to be another reason you came back. What about the fans?

KRISTA
I gotta admit, I didn't really like the OAOAST fans at first. I thought they were something barely qualifying as subhuman. And they are. But Tony, they're my subhumans, and I love them. Now, as a firm believer of cleaning up our gene pool, it's my duty not to piss on them were they to catch fire, but I'll be sad when they die. I thank them for everything they've ever done for me. Which isn't a whole lot, but oh well

TONY
(feeling something on this tushy!)
Hey! How came you can touch my BUTT, but I can't touch your's? Where's the gender equality?

KRISTA
WHAT?! I'm not touching your ass, jerkoff! Turn around!

(Tony turns around, and is mortified to find that the [b][COLOR=red]Los Diablos De Fuego[/COLOR][/b] are the ones who were grabbing his big ol' booty!)

TONY
WTF, N00B???!!!

MORACCA 
Smile.

MARIACHI,MORACCA, KRISTA, TONY, AND CNN'S LARRY KING
:D  :D  :D  :D  :D

(THE FIVESOME DANCES AS WE HEAD BACK TO THE SC)

CABOOSE
Hmmm....

COACH
I must say that is a nice ass.

COLE
Huh?

COACH
I mean Krista's. But if there weren't any chicks around, Tony might start looking pretty good. Smile.

Edited November 10, 2005 by Patty O'Green

[Patty O'Green 0]

(We're taken to the lavish accommodations of the Upstarts locker room. Amazingly it isn't the hotbed of hookers, illegal narcotics, and questionable sexual experimentation, we would expect.  Jamie O'Hara is reclining on a couch, playing Need for Speed on the PSP. Beneath him, on the floor sleeping like a baby, is the monster Bohemoth, surrounded by candy wrappers from Alix's Bratz trick or treat bag. Sitting in a leather chair, looking mighty intelligent is Christian Wright, who's attention is held by a National Geographic article on the population density of North Eastern Africa. Standing in the center of the room are Johnny Jax and Scotty Static.)

SCOTTY
Man, can you believe what Krista said about our boy, SJ? No respect for a real champion. I hate that girl.

JOHNNY
You ain't the only one, bro. We can start a hater team with all the people who don't like her, man. You hate Krista, Jamie?

JAMIE
(not actually paying attention, but assuming the best answer is yes)
Heck yes I do.

JOHNNY
Bo, you hate her don't you?

BOHEMOTH
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

JOHNNY
Probably dreaming about choking the ho. Christian, you?

CHRISTIAN
To travel the same ground as that insufferable cur boils the blood, and passionately inflames the very soul of I, the HI-YAH Heavyweight champion. Why, whimsical thoughts of her inevitably morph into horrific fantasies soaked with the crim...

JOHNNY
Next time, just say yes. See, Big City, you ain't the only one who hates her. Chicks Over Dicks? I hate 'em both.  They piss a brother off nonstop. They don't take no breaks from it. They don't sleep, they don't eat, they don't go to a bathroom, they just piss you off. Constantly, and consistently. No time off for good behavior.

SCOTTY
No, you don't understand. I [i]really[/i] hate Krista.

JOHNNY
Playboy, you ain't struck on some new thought concept. You got a whole locker room of people who hate her and Alix.

JAMIE
I thought everybody loved Alix? 

CHRISTIAN
“Spunky Alix is wrestling's sweetheart”, so say the scribes at OAOAST magazine.

JOHNNY
Shut up!

SCOTTY
No, Alix is different then Krista. When you're doing a promo against Alix, she may out talk you, but she just does it in a goofy way. Like, she hasn't embarrassed you, she's just having fun. She's annoying, but it's like how your little sister annoys you. She's no Krista.

JOHNNY
What do you mean Alix doesn't embarrass you? Dawg, what were you watching last week? She said I was lactating.

SCOTTY
You are.

JOHNNY
She ain't gotta say it out loud. And she got me beat up by fan. I had fat pussy in my face! I ain't no chubby chaser! I don't cruise the Jenny Craig parking lot looking to score, hanging out the window, waving a drumstick from KFC, screaming 'More where that came from! And I got biscuits n' gravy to!' That was not fun. Alix is friends with that scrawny twink Leon Rodez, right? I bet he told her and Krista to piss us off to distract us from our goal of being three time tag team champions.

CHRISTIAN
A likely postulation as it were. I, the HI-YAH heavyweight champion, would not put it past that immoral Mephistopheles and that closet case meathead partner of his, Zack Malibu, to architect...

JOHNNY
Uh-huh, that's great. Anyway, Scotty?

SCOTTY
Alix ain't as bad as Krista. I'm telling ya. Krista's smart. Go say what you said to Krista last week. See what happens. I dare you. She won't just make a joke like Alix, she will shred your ass apart. You heard her just now. She insulted everyone in this arena, and they mama, but no one's gonna boo her, cuz if you do, she'll mess you up. You're lucky she didn't say all that to your face, because you wouldn't be showing that face around here no more. She is so mean she don't even celebrate Christmas. Christmas, man. Serial killers celebrate Christmas. Charles Manson hangs the Missile Toe. She don't. The bitch no sells the birth of Christ. She hates on our lord and savior! And you say she's no big deal? You can't even argue with her unless you got a PHD. You need to take an entrance exam just to speak to her. God damn, I'm worked up. This isn't good for my condition.

JOHNNY
Are you afraid of Krista or something? 

JAMIE
She's tall.

JOHNNY
(shrugs)
She's only 5'10. That's not as big as that Julie Sharcor chick.

SCOTTY
Ain't nobody in this room talking about no Julie Sharcor! 5'10 is a tall woman! With Alix, you may wrestle her, and you may lose, but you're still beating her up, she just fluke pins you with a roll up. You can hold your head up after a roll up. Krista kicks your ass from the start of the match right down to the finish. You have to be JINGUS to pin her down. No, I take that back, because she pinned JINGUS before. I've never pinned JNGUS, and I ain't never gonna and I've wrestled him a billion times! That crazy woman did it on her first try.

JOHNNY
You're afraid of Krista.

JAMIE
There she is, look behind you, Scott!

SCOTTY
(jumping out of his pants in fight)
Got damn, no!

JOHNNY AND JAMIE
(high fiving each other)
Hhahahahaha!

SCOTTY
Don't be doing that! I ain't afraid of no ghosts, and I ain't afraid of no Krista! She's just some big mouth dike, who's fixing to get one big black eye. Just like any woman, she'll run her mouth when it's safe, but when she gets face to face with a real pimp from Detroit, Rock City, Michigan you can believe she'll shut that big mouth on the quick.  I'ma kick Krista's ass right now. You watch me on that there TV. I'm gonna look good while doing it. Hustle n flow, baby. Hustle n flow. Ready or not here I come. Gonna find you, and beat you dooown. I hope she took a shower, because my dick is hard, and her ass is soft. 

(Scotty goes to the door, and pulls it open. A look of horror creeps onto his face, as Krista is staring him dead in the eyes. Calmly, she cocks her fist, then delivers a punch to his nose. Still displaying no emotion, the blonde bombshell slams the door as he goes reeling.)

SCOTTY
(tumbling backwards, grabbing his nose)
Sweet Virgin Mary in Heaven, the bitch is nuts! Ow, my nose! I'm hurt! Jamie, help!

JAMIE
Don't come over here bleedin' on me. I'm wearin' white, you'll stain mah clothes.

JOHNNY
(shaking his head)
Terrible. Christian, you're smart, figure something out.

CHRISTIAN
Your attacks must be focused on eliminating the weakest member of your enemies party. Who is the weakest link in the chain that forever binds the Chicks Over Dicks? Alix.  With Alix fallen, the broken hearted Krista will be weakened, leaving her susceptible to a well planned onslaught.

JAMIE
Like Xena The Warrior Princess! Where if you messed with Xena's ho, Gabriel, then Xena would get all upset and stuff for smacking her chick. Right on, yo. One love.

CHRISTIAN
(seething)
I would appreciate it if you would refrain from comparing my brilliant masterwork of strategy to that of syndicated television pap. If I, the HI-YAH heavyweight champion, could quote military strategist Sun Tzu...

JOHNNY
Thanks, man, that'll do...

CHRISTIAN
Those who..

JOHNNY
Nope, I'm cool. Thank you.

(back to the SC)

COACH
I'd get up and take care of Krista myself, but I have to carry you two greenhorns through the rest of the show.  Learn from the master, kids.