Things you'd never hear on wwe tv

[Guest saturnmark4life]

"You know, that was a pretty damn good move from saturn actually. There's another one. Who'd a thunk it, he's saved the tag division with his new partner (X) and we're actually using him competently, as if we could book him into a wrestling show without slapping saturnmark4life in the face with the sheer power of saturn's misuse or something."

"Yeah."

[Guest cynicalprofit]

Vince: "I'm wrong."

 

HHH: "My realtionship keeps my career going."

 

Steph: "I'm wrong."

 

Vince: "Maybe I should take someone else's advice."

[Guest]

HHH: Maybe i AM too intense. I should tone it down a bit.

[Guest]

Bobby Whioux (the new 3rd man of the broadcast team):  Uh, JR, if Benoit is so dangerous and technical and a rabid wolverine, why is he staying away from Austin's well documented injured spots?  He's avoiding his knees and neck like the plague."

 

JR:  "You know, now that I think about it, it IS pretty hard to believe [Wrestler X] is a skilled mat technician and a legitimate threat to Austin when we never let these guys work on Austin's neck or his big old knee braces.  You would think that's what they'd attack, especially since it's been established as "good strategy" in the past."

 

Bobby Whioux:  "Shoots the whole premise and gimmick stone dead.  And they wonder why technicians can't get over anymore...by the way, isn't it kinda silly to keep hyping Austin as this invincible bad ass when he hobbles around on double knee braces looking for all the world like Forrest Gump?"

 

JR:  "BY GAWD!  Benoit has a chair!"  

 

Whioux:  "Run Austin, Run!"

 

And that's why I'll never be a WWE broadcaster.  Here's another reason why:

 

[During the "topless top rope battle royal" of 2000, or "trish barks like a dog" of 2001, or where the Stacy Kiebler angle will inevitably go in the future of 2002]

 

Whioux:  "Actually, this is sexual harrassment.  All she has to do is make one call to her lawyer after the show tonight and Vince [or the McMahon-Helmsley Era] is SCREWED."

 

I'd just shoot holes through all the stupid shit.  Which would get me fired pretty quickly.  I mean, there is no way I could sell some of the retarded angles they throw down the pike as the high drama they're supposed to be...

 

JR:  My Gawd!  Taker is dragging Hogan behind that motorcycle!

 

Whioux:  WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  Fun!

 

or the week before...

 

Whioux:  "What's that scrawny security guy gonna do to stop anybody who wants to steal the bike?  UT is just asking for it to get stolen."

 

Whioux:  The Bike is stalling! BUAHAHA! ****[headset mysteriously cut off and muted]****

[Guest CED Ordonez]

Vince: Lou Thesz, thank you for the memories. Now here's a nice one minute tribute in your honor.

 

Michael Cole: What a (any complicated wrestling maneuver name)!

 

J.R.: Well they botched that spot pretty badly. I guess they're going to try it again.

[Guest HartFan86]

Cole: "Quick reminder that Backlash is this Sunday and of course, as you know from the past,  you can get it on PPV. Back to this match!"

 

JR: "Bradshaw vs. Big Show is up next. I would say  this would be a slobberknocker, but folks, it's gunna fucking suck."

[Guest crandamaniac]

Jr: "The Next match is Kane v.s. Big Show.  As much as we'd like to see this match, me and the King are going to the concession stand to get some nachos and beer"

 

Austin: "Somebody throw me a nice cappuchino"

 

JR: "Stunner! Stunner! Stun..why the fuck am i saying thing 3 times"

[Guest]

Bradshaw - "No, I don't feel like raping anyone in the showers today."

[Guest JHawk]

Tony Schiavone:  "Welcome to World Wrestling Entertainment!"

[Guest]

Jim Ross: Man this Taker/Hogan match is bowling shoe ugly...no no...wait..its moved beyond bowling shoe ugly...mah gawd! It just plain ol sucks the donkey!

 

King: Haha! Donkey!

 

Jim: Shut up and take me you fiend.

[Guest]

Vince: "you know what, i LOVE cruiserweights!"

[Guest]

(During an Big Show/Bradshaw Match)

 

JR; You know what, King?

 

King; What's that?

 

JR; Ratings have really been dropping the last 2 years. Maybe we should have stayed on the USA Network?

------

 

JR: It's one week away and there is still no matches for the PPV. What the Fuck is wrong with this picture?

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JR: Booker T was one great athlete down in the former WcW. Now, he's the WWE's Black work Horse Bitch!

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Tazz: Damnit Cole! Get your hand off my leg!

[Guest Big McLargeHuge]

JR: Ya know what folks? Nothing special's happenin' tonight. Ya might as well watch Friends.

[Guest gangsteruwa]

The scenario Vince McMahon, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, Earl Hebner, and the rest involved in the Montreal Screwjob are in the ring.

 

All together:  "It was all a work!!!"

 

(you all know that is really true)

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3 weeks before a PPV

 

JR:  "And here is the complete card for (insert PPV name here)."

 

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Vince McMahon:  "We have decided to cut the PPV's back.  For now on there will be the Royal Rumble, WrestleMania, King of the Ring, Summer Slam and Survivor Series.  This will allow for better quality WRESTLING shows, because that is what we in the WWE care about, great quality WRESTLING."

 

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JR:  "Fuck Sports Entertainment!!!  This is WRESTLING BAH GAWD!!!"

 

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Any old Dudley Boys promos from ECW.

 

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Joey Styles as the new play by play man for RAW:  "TOMMY DREAMER JUST GAVE THE UNDERTAKER A SPICOLIE DRIVER THROUGH 3 FLAMING TABLES!!!!!  OH MY GOD!!!!!!"

 

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I like this thread way too much

[Guest razazteca]

Tajeri - "I can speak English damn it!!!"

 

Eddie Guerrero - "Why am I using Konnan's gimmick?"

[Guest]

Vince: Tonight in this very ring, I'm calling those Pandas out in a "WWF" on a pole match!

[Guest Brian]

Hogan has just won the Undisputed championship.

[Guest Raven_Effect01]

Hogan has just won the Undisputed championship.

What the hell?  That was actually likely this year, much to our disappointment.

 

*Jericho and HHH doing an insult contest that sounds like a bunch of 5 year olds fighting* Jericho:"Big nose!"  HHH:"Goldilocks-uhhh!"  Jericho:"Jerky!"  HHH:"Flukey!"  Jericho:"Jackass!"  HHH:"VANILLA MIDGET-UHHHH!"  Jericho:"Excuse me for a minute"  *Jericho walks off, but suddenly turns around and pops HHH in the nose with a punch*  HHH:"Owwwww-uhhhhhh!"

[Guest Repo Man jr]

"Justin Credible gets the pin"

 

"On RAW tonight, Justin Credible vs...."

 

JR: "WUHOOO! look King, Puppies!!!"

 

Coach: "No Rock, YOU dance for me, Jabronie"

[Guest]

*Jericho and HHH doing an insult contest that sounds like a bunch of 5 year olds fighting* Jericho:"Big nose!"  HHH:"Goldilocks-uhhh!"  Jericho:"Jerky!"  HHH:"Flukey!"  Jericho:"Jackass!"  HHH:"VANILLA MIDGET-UHHHH!"  Jericho:"Excuse me for a minute"  *Jericho walks off, but suddenly turns around and pops HHH in the nose with a punch*  HHH:"Owwwww-uhhhhhh!"

LOL that would be funny.

[Guest]

King: Wooohoo! Puppies!

JR: Oh Sweet Baby bbq sauce, put the friggin Jew back out here with me....

[Guest crandamaniac]

Vince: I'm gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay (in that Vinny Mac voice of his)

[Guest]

Vince McMahon after viewing the ratings...

 

Vince - "Well...i know its not Jericho's fault"

 

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Triple H - "You ready Lance? Im gonna put you over tonight! Your gonna carry the company!"

 

----------------

 

Hulk Hogan - "I think its time I retired"

 

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Undertaker - "The Taker Mark rules"

 

This has been the Taker Mark

 

...Wish I KNEW the Undertaker

[Guest Redhawk]

From the mouth of Michael Cole:

 

"Backlash (or insert any PPV), this Sunday, is NOT going to be awesome."

 

"You have to wonder, Tazz, are they ever gonna let you wrestle?"

 

"Why don't you shut the fuck up, Rock? I'm not your little bitch, you know."

 

(During a heel's pinfall attempt) "YES, THIS WAY!"

 

"That was actually pretty smart for (heel) to give (babyface) a low blow."

[Guest]

Cole: "You could get a finger caught in that steel cage."  

 

Oh wait...

[Guest Nater]

Vince: I killed Owen.

Steph: (NOTHING)

HHH: I dont need to win the title.. maybe I should try to be more Interesting than Intense.

Jericho: Great change of pace, not using chairs.

Bret: (ANYTHING)

Rock: I need to brush up, I'll see you when I get back from training again.

Hogan: Seeing as I had my leg amputated from atrophied muscle caused by steroid use, I'll have to retire, Brotherer.

Undertaker: I been doing sit-ups.

Nash: I been doing sit-ups.

Show: I been doing sit-ups.

Bradshaw: Why dont I have the title? I thought my man-boobies got me over.

Angle: ... (i dont think he could say anything wrong, so we dont need to hear from him)..

RVD: Im so FUCKING stoned.

Kanyon: Told you Im IC material!

[Guest CED Ordonez]

Playing off MarioLogan...Vince: Tonight in this very ring, you Pandas will have a match with KAAAAAANE!

 

(Kane appears on the TitanTron)

 

Kane: But I'm on the Raw brand, Vince!

 

Vince: Shut up, Glen! You've been off TV for weeks. Quite frankly, these fans don't remember which brand you were on anymore.

 

Kane: Oh, OK. Sorry, boss.

 

(The image of Kane disappears)

 

Vince: Now Linda, honey, come on down and give me a lap dance because everybody know I love my wife more than anything!