KRISTA SK8ER BOIZ SKIT 4 HD

[Patty O'Green 0]

 

awww yeaaah, sick credit to tony for his assistance.

 

COLE
Let's spy on Krista during a personal moment!

(We go backstage, where Krista is chatting on her cellphone with her daughter Maya.)

KRISTA
Maya, calm down. What? What?! What do you mean you got a zero out of ten? That's no points. None. They give you at least a point for writing your name correct. Two for giving the date...no sweetie, mommy's not mad at you. Mommy's mad at the teacher. The teacher. Does she know how much money I donate to that school? They should name a wing of the gym after me if not the whole school. Why did you fail....You said that the reason leaves fall from trees is that they jump off before birds can eat them? Who told you that? Aunt Alix? Auntie Alix? Sweetie, you're old enough now that I can finally tell you this. Auntie Alix is a moron. When Auntie Alix is at a loss for words, we're all at a gain.  You know how they teach you to say no to drugs and sign pledge cards? Well, Aunt Alix never signed her's. You have the three R's at school. Reading, Riting, Rithmetic? Auntie Alix has her three S's. Snorting, Sniffing, Smoking. And she has snorted, sniffed, and smoked, herself half retarded. Yes, like Igor. But we still love Auntie Alix, right? Good. Who told you liquor is a drug? Don't listen to her. Ever. Liquor isn't a drug, honey. Remember how much you loved your bottle? Mommy loves her grown-up bottle just as much. Oh, sweetie, don't listen to your classmates. They're just jealous their mommies and daddies aren't half as successful as your mommy, isn't that right? (in baby voice) Yes. Yes it is. What's that? No, you don't have to call him Uncle Leon. They'll break up in a month anyway. No, they're adult movies, honey. 

(The camera catches two shirtless men, who might be the most devilishly handsome guys ever seen on OAOAST television, walking down the hallway. As the pair, clad in low rise Hollister jeans, pass by  the women in the hallway, jaws hit the floor and passions arise. Never have the astonished ladies' eyes feasted on such glorious bodies. The men give each woman they pass a nod and sexy wink. Half of the females faint, consumed with a blazing lust for these beautiful strangers. The two knock outs stop at Krista Isadora Duncan's spot. Krista is simply stunned by these angels of beauty.)

KRISTA
Wow! Uh........Huh? Nothing, baby. Uh, mommy's gotta go. Mommy has some stalkers she needs to mase. Give the doggie a kiss, not a real one because he has germs. Bye.

(She hangs up the phone. KID starts rummaging through her purse her hands looking for the mase, but her eyes never leaving the two guys.)

KRISTA
Umm....I'm out of mase. Can you just roll around on the floor like I did spray you?

GUY 1
Woah, we aren't stalkers! We're the Sk8er Boiz. Marv and Mel! We made [i]Weekend at Neddy's[/i] for you and Alix. Remember? It won an Emmy and it's getting turned into a Broadway musical starring Liza Minnelli in the lead role.

KRISTA
The Sk8er Boiz? Heh. Those guys are, well, they aren't exactly a sight for sore eyes. To be honest, they aren't a sight for any eyes. They kind of took a nasty drop from the ugly tree and hit a few of the branches on the way down. (smacks forehead) Stupid me. Now I get it. The OAOAST recast the roles of the Sk8ter Boiz. Cal fired the two who were playing them before, and hired newer better looking ones. That's smart. Ask Calvin if he can hire another carpetmuncher, preferably a ditzy brunette who won't sell you out for a chance to bone the gangbang king of the OAOAST, because I could use one.

MARV
No, no, no. We're the same two guys! Swear to god.  I know how we looked before.  We were so ugly, that when I got hit by a car, they called the vet. People used to call us the Casper twins, we were so pale. When Mel slipped on a candy wrapper in the arena at WWE, Jamie O'Hara walked by and said “Oh shit, who spilled the milk!” We were so skinny, your friend Alix wanted to call in Sally Struthers for a telethon for us. At the company's summer picnic, when it was windy, Simon Singleton had to tie us to a tree so we wouldn't blow away. 

MEL
We knew we needed to turn our life around. And we did. We moved out of Mama Nerdly's attic, and down to the sun bathed beaches of SoCal. We trained at the gym, got buff, and if my first name was Marcus and not Melvin, I'd say we are the stuff. And we're here to say thanks to the woman who made it possible.

KRISTA
(turning her head around)
Where is she? I'll give you the massage...damn it...I mean give her the message. Holy shit.

MARV
We're looking at her!

KRISTA
(still turning her head around)
I don't see her. It isn't healthy for boys your age to have imaginary friends. Wait. Y-Y-You mean me? Me? What did I do?

MARV
We had your FIT with KID tapes in our room forever. And they're the only thing we took with us when we moved down from Canada. It turns out they're more then just an excuse to burn through a bottle of baby oil and a box of tissues! They're actually good at getting us in shape. Once we were finished with the tapes we joined your gym in Santa Monica. Mel had to sell a kidney to cover the membership fees, but it was worth it!

KRISTA
(snapped out of her day dream of the Sk8er Boiz)
Gym? Oh, yeah, right. Right, right.

MEL
And we hit the weights even harder then we hit the boards. Now we're hitting all the hot broads. From the front to the back, back to the front.

MARV
Before we couldn't even get a date off a calendar. Now thanks to you, we aren't gonna die virgins!

MARV & MEL
(jumping high five)
Yes! 

MEL
Look at us, man..er woman. You've changed our life. No longer do I don't spend my Friday nights wondering if the girl I'm trying to cyber with is really a girl at all. No longer is my most used pick up line “A/S/L”. No longer am I cock blocked by 404 errors. No longer does my only up close and personal experience with the female genitalia consist of pressing the zoom button on my DVD remote. Real life, flesh and blood babes are all over this hot boy!  I'd beat 'em away with a stick, but then I might get sued for assault and battery. 

MARV
We even got stopped by the cops walking down the street. They thought we were carrying firearms in our pants.  :D

KRISTA
:wub: 

MEL
(getting very excited, almost foaming at the mouth)
It's getting to the point where I can't plant my wheels without having to ollie over some hot piece of jail bait trying to jump my bones. Our babe quotient has increased to the 69th power, because I'm doing these girls 69 ways! I have a redhead for breakfast, a blonde for lunch and Marv and I split a sensible brunette for dinner..

(Marv elbows Mel in the side)

MEL
I'm so sorry. I got excited for a bit. Being a hottie is kind of new to me. I forgot who I was talking to.

KRISTA
(Waving them off)
It's okay. Um, well, you're hot...I mean you're welcome. You look...uh..yeah..um..what's that word? Starts with a g.

MEL
Good?

KRISTA
I was thinking gorgeous. Wow. [size=1]You make me almost wish I could rescind my GLAAD membership.[/size]

MARV
Every night we've got chicks willing to give us an up close and hands on view of what it's like to come out of the womb again. But, you're like our mother. You've given birth to us, the new Mel and Marv. Pardon me if this is too forward, but can we give you a hug?

KRISTA
(feigning apathy, and failing horribly at it)
I mean I don't know, that's kind of inappropriate...it wouldn't be....

MARV
You're right. I'm sorry, that was too bold of me. I apolo..

KRISTA
No! Shut-up and hug me!

(Krista grabs the muscular hunks and hauls them together for one big hug.) 

KRISTA
This doesn't make me a sellout. Right? If I squint real hard, you kinda look like girls.

(The embrace lasts for a good two minutes before Marv finally says..)

MARV
Uh, maybe we should go...

KRISTA
Huh? It's a two hour show, nothings happening, you won't miss anything. Do you like kids? I have a kid. I have a Lexus also. And a condo in West Hollywood, and a beach front house in Malibu. You can have the house in Malibu. I can buy another one.

Edited December 8, 2005 by Patty O'Green