HD: GPX promo

[Patty O'Green 0]

I may or may not have a COD promo. I have to take a final and celebrate some dickhead's birthday so like old people pissing it all depends, as Kanye would rap.

 

 

(We're backstage with the Global Party Xchange. The Boys are representing where they come from, Scotty in an oversized Steve Yzerman Red Wings hockey jersey, and Jax in a Michael Vick Atlanta Falcons jersey. Each man wears gaudy golden dollar symbol pendants around their necks.)

TONY SCHIAVONE
Folks, Tony Schiavone here with the one and only Global Party Xchange. Gentlemen, as we head into Climax, another OAOAST pay-per-view extravaganza, I want to get your thoughts on your opponents, Chicks Over Dicks. Let's start with Krista Isadora Duncan. She's a lot like a bull in a china shop. Very confrontational woman. Krista constantly makes it a point to tell people that she's better then your fellow wrestlers. What do you say about that?

JOHNNY
Prove it, twisted sister. Drop the Suzanne Summers from hell gimmick, put down your Danielle Steel novel, and prove it. 'Cause spitting it, and showing it are two different thangs, man. Who's she ever beat that's worth a damn, man? Who, man? Ain't no rhetorical question, man. You can answer, man.

TONY
She beat you at Anglemania.

JOHNNY
That never happened. Your memory be faulty. Happens when you gets old.  Scotty, no offense, dawg, lost that match. And he got pinned by Alix. There goes that, chump.

TONY
She's pinned Zack Malibu. Twice.

JOHNNY
What woman hasn't? He let them. Candie wasn't giving him what he wanted in bed, so he had to let a few bitches lie on top of him for three seconds of dry humping to get off. Besides he's lost a step in the past year. Two steps. Twenty steps! He needs to get the steppin, because his ass ain't wanted around here. There goes that, chump.

TONY
She just pinned your fellow Upstart Christian Wright. Clean and in the center of the ring at that.

SCOTTY
Old man river, your job ain't hard. All you gotta do is ask us a softball question and let us knock 'em out of the park. Why you antagonizing? That ain't your job. Ask a question, let me answer. Don't push no buttons, I'm not a remote. Don't push no buttons.

JOHNNY
Tony, Krista makes more money then any one here. And she don't even do half the work. Where's her pay per view mainevents? Where's her world titles? Where's her sold out arenas? Must be hidden behind the seven figures on her pay check 'cause I don't see them anywhere. 

TONY
To be fair, you've never won a world title and I don't remember you maineventing any pay per view of note.

SCOTTY
To be fair, he's not getting paid more then what some countries are worth like she is. Most kids get a Barbie Doll, or a My Little Pony for they birthday. Krista can buy her kid Swaziland, or Jordan, or Syria. I can't even afford an Atlas with Syria in it. Mine goes up to Canada and it ain't even got anything west of Manitoba in it. My world ends at Winnipeg. When we went to Vancouver for a show, I was like what the hell, nigga, aliens! You tell me if that's fair? She works four months. That's like...I ain't good at math, but that's a lot of money per month. She hardly wrestles either. She just talks, talks, talks. Then she gets in the ring and Alix does the work. She comes in for five minutes, throws a clothesline, throws another clothesline, does a sloppy hurricarana, does her dumb finisher, then it's over. If I told you how much she made for that, you'd have a heart attack. You'd die, and I don't need that on my karma. I try and tell these dudes I wanna fly first class. I'm not even flying coach. I'm not flying period. They got chickens, cows, and roosters on planes. They don't have Scotty Static. We can fly Foghorn Leghorn but we can't fly Scotty Static. I have to hitch hike from show to show. You don't wanna know some of things I've had to do for lonely truckers to get down to the shows. I say, OAOAST brass I wanna fly first class, like a real star. They say they ain't got the money. Why's that? Because Krista's got they money. I saw that bitch's home on [i]Cribs[/i]. She got two pools. Two. And she lives on the beach. That's an ocean. I ain't even get running water. I gotta wait until they turn the sprinklers on at a golf course, then I run through it to take a shower, and got the old man in the cart selling drinks coming after me.  It ain't like she needs the money. She was already rich before she got here! I'm broke. I gotta put weed on layaway. It's shameful. It doesn't make sense. Here I am making changes to the OAOAST, taking it to the next level, and I'm getting paid in peanuts. Literally. They tossed me a bag of nuts from Southwest Airlines. I'm like, what the hell is this? They said it's a Christmas bonus. What the fuck? Get your ass on outta here.

TONY
Some jealously?

SCOTTY
Hell yeah, I'm jealous! She doesn't do anything. [i]Anything[/i]. Then she and Alix come back and everyone's like welcome back, welcome back! They weren't welcome in the first place, I ain't welcoming them back. I have to work my ass off day and day out just to try and get noticed around here.  Two months in and you're all head over heels in love with them again. And she complains that no one likes her. My own mama like her better then me. 

TONY
What about Alix?

SCOTTY
Alix? I saw her last week getting all hot and bothered over me, trying to go down to Big City Scotty Static. She's mad now, but she'll go to the mall and she'll see some pretty shirt at Express, and she'll get distracted and she won't even remember why she upset in the first place. I don't worry about her or the South of the border tinkerbells she fag hags with because she can't handle an honest to god red-blooded American Male. Sing that song, Tony S. 

TONY
(singing)
American male.....American Male!

JOHNNY
That's the music, dawg!

TONY
I sing others. I do a mean Solsbury Hill. Climbing up on Solsburrrry hill, I could see the city liiiig...

JOHNNY
No thanks.

TONY
Well, Alix is dating Leon Rodez now.

JOHNNY
Like my boy said, she can't handle a real man. That girl flips and flops like a flounder out of water. She's ordering fish for dinner and picking up sausage for breakfast. Pick a team and stick to it, girl. What's up with she and Leon anyway? How many guys has she been with 'round here? Everyone can have it, even the fans in the stands! I know I'ma hit it when it's right. I'ma call that bitch Houdini, because all she does is turn tricks.

SCOTTY
Oh shit! You bad, nigga. You bad! First round KO!

JOHNNY
Thank you. Thank you. She went from being the ponygirl of a best selling author all the way down to the pillow biter of the new age John Holmes. Talk about a demotion.

TONY
When you earlier said “south of the border tinkerbells”, I assume you are rudely referring to the sensational new tag team Los Diablos De Fuego.

JOHNNY
Sensational my white ass.

SCOTTY
That's right. Alix and Los Diablos De Fuego can draw unicorns, or watch [i]Laguna Beach[/i] on MTV or write slash stories about the real wrestlers or whatever queer ass shit they like to do. Leave the real men to handle real men business. Why the Diablos even here in the first place? What were they dancers on an Elton John tour, took a wrong turn and wound up in the OAOAST? No one wants to see they freaky shit on their TV. No one wants to watch them pinch another guys ass, or grind up on dudes in the audience. They ain't wired right. If you're gonna do Will and not Grace, at least keep what's left of your self respect and act like a man. Don't be acting all fruity. There is a certain way a man is supposed to act, gay or straight. He don't dress all funny like he a giant pink Starburst, he don't change his voice. He don't act like Los Diablos De Fuego. He act like a man. You should not be able to look at a dude and know for a fact that he goes to his crib and has penis.

TONY
(Awkwardly adjusting his collar)
Ummm...uh....people say you're ducking Los Diablos De Fuego.

JOHNNY
We ain't ducking them. This ain't no beef. This fake beef. This tofu. The OAOAST doesn't tell GPX how it do. GPX tell the OAOAST how it do. 

SCOTTY
Diablos don't want no match with us. They wanna queer bait. They wanna turn us to the darkside, so they can get up in our backside.  They ain't here to fight. They here for a booty call. If ya'll are so desperate for a date, get on MySpace, get on Facebook, plenty of fence riders there. Go to a bathouse, start walking the streets. Whatever. Don't be using my federation or my tag team like it was your hook up line. If we got in the ring with them two, we'd beat 'em so bad we'd be locked up for a hate crime. I'm not eight years old no more, I ain't playing no more games of smear the queer. But come Climax, me and my nigga will be playing a round of spike the dike!

TONY
Scotty “Fred Phelps” Static, and his partner Johnny Jax. The Global Party Xchange, everybody.