The Christmas Tradition Lives On...

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

 

*Film begins with a narration by an old man and a gust of snow (like a snow globe) revealing the city streets. As the narration continues the shot slowly zooms in to reveal John Cena*

 

Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a boy. And he was the happiest boy in Boston. Until one day something very bad happened and that happy boy became vvvveeerrry angry. He was very mean to people, and as he grew up and used his gift of rhyming words to hurt others. He then became a professional wrestler so he could hurt others for a living. And that boy’s name was John… was John… was… was…

 

*Before the shot totally reveals John Cena, it quickly turns to the old man as he is reading from a large, red, book. A small, elf-life, person comes to his side right away*

 

Elf: Santa? Santa? Are you alright?

 

Santa: Yes Olar, I am fine… it’s just, there is so much hate and rage in that man that it hurts me to think about it.

 

Elf: So why don’t you stop thinking about it?

 

*Santa smiles*

 

Santa: Oh Olar, but then how… how… how…

 

Elf: Santa???

 

Santa: Quick, Olar, I am not as well as I say I am… I need you… I need you… I need you to take this book and follow the instructions very carefully, there isn’t much time… you must… you must do it exactly as it says, without questioning…. Christmas must come this year, and you must find my replacement.

 

*Return to the shot of Cena on the sidewalk*

 

*John Cena is walking along the sidewalk, rap-music playing in the background, Christmas shoppers all around him carrying bags of gifts, a graphic appears on the screen which says “December 21st”. *

 

*He collides with a man carrying a load of presents. The man falls down and drops all the gifts*

 

Cena: YO MAN! Watch where you steppin!

Man: I’m, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.

Cena: That’s right, that’s right, that’s cause YOU CAN’T SEE ME! *Cena does his hand-in-front-of-face thing*

Man: I’m sorry.

Cena: Yeah, you sorry alright. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kick your ass right now!

*The man is shocked*

Man: It’s Christmas.

*A small boy walks into the scene*

Boy: Daddy, Daddy, are you all right?

Man: Yes, I’m fine… I just.. slipped… that’s all.

*A slight change in expression comes upon Cena’s face – one of regret -, until realizes it and changes it immediately back to his more usual angry look.*

Cena: Yeah, he slipped.

*Cena pushes the man down again*

Cena: Your lucky it’s Christmas, or else you’d be dead right now.

*Cena takes one of the gifts walks off with a smirk on his face, leaving the boy and the man left to pick up the rest of the presents*

 

*Later That Night*

 

Exec: The time is now, John! The time is nooooooooooooow...

 

*Cena is visited by a large jovial man who is grinning from ear to ear, eating and drinking like seven men.*

 

Cena: What's up? You're Andre the Giant!

Andre: Ah am ze ghost of wrestling Christmas passssssst. Ho-gawnnnnnn!

Cena: Hogan?

Andre: Sorry. We must go back to ze past now.

(time warp)

Andre: There are you are, working with your mentor, PN News. One day you swore you would make it to the big time and be a white rapping wrestler just like he did.

Cena: Yeah! Yeah that was me! Good old PN News. He threw some wack Christmas parties. Mantaur always been crashin' 'em though.

Andre: And now PN News is gone.

Cena: He died?

Andre: For all general intents and purposes....yes. Yes he did. Remember how you swore to him that you would keep it real, John? You haven't been.

Cena: Well times change, big man, I hate to trouble you. But that guy was over in WCW! It don't matter.

Andre: But PN News fell off too. Soon, his "yo baby yo" got much worse, and he paid the price! Learn from the past, John....LEARN FROM THE PAST!!! You will be visited by another spirit soon, John.

*The Ghost disappears.*

Cena: That's as intelligible as Andre the Giant has ever been. Whoa.

*A second spirit enters. Trish Stratus comes in wearing a sheer white gown.*

Trish: Oh John!

Cena: Thank you Santa! Oh yeah! I'll stuff YOUR stocking, baby.

Trish: I am the ghost of wrestling Christmas present. What you did to those people today was just not cool. Let's go over and see how they're doing.

Cena: You wanna make me feel bad Trish, you're outta luck. I'm here in my bedroom so why don't we just--

Trish: Family programming, John.

Cena: Whatev.

*Trish transports Cena to the run-down bungalow in which the man and boy lived. They look in their window and see the mother laboring over the stew for tomorrow's meal. The children are fighting, gunshots can be heard down the street. The father is checking the gifts that he dropped when Cena pushed him down, and finds out almost all of them, especially a snow globe he bought for his wife, have been broken. Another Christmas gone, it seems.*

 

Cena: Aw dammit! I can't believe this. If I had only known they were poor, I wouldn't have played it like that. How do I get outta this one, Trish?

Trish: There's still going to be time, John. But I'm afraid my time here is done. I need to teach that Gayda bitch how to take a clothesline. Again. Merry Christmas, John! I wish you the best!

*Trish exits.*

Cena: Well according to formula there should be one more.

*The Undertaker shows up in biker garb.*

Cena: Deadman Inc.? I thought I was done with you.

Taker: You know who I am.

Cena: Aw come on man. You gotta operate! Be all ominous, all "I am the ghost of wrestling Christmas yet to come!

Taker: ...

Cena: Come on! Don't let me down!

Taker: ...I ain't feelin' it.

Cena: This sucks. And you're supposed to look like Death and everything. You of all people could've dragged out the throwbacks.

Taker: I'm done with that phase. No.

Cena: Well if you're gonna be such a crappy Reaper figure, give the position to one of the newly dead wrestlers. They'd scare me straight.

Taker: I ain't givin' up my spot.

Cena: Now I see it! If I don't do something to clean up, the future...is going to be the present! Thanks, spirit!

Taker: You didn't shake my hand before this vision ended. Now I'm gonna make you pay.

*UT shows Cena a scene of Cena's grave, as the rookies from Raw dance on it.*

Cena: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*Cena wakes up. Realizing he must change, he buys a turkey dinner for the family he almost ruined Christmas for. To replace their gifts, he got them some mad crazy bling-bling, and some mad throwbacks. Billy, the son, got the rainbow-skyline Denver Nuggets jersey. Janie, the daughter, received the MPLS. Lakers. And Tiny Tazz, the injured youngster, got an old Philadelphia Flyers sweater.

Tazz: Yay! Orange is my favorite color!

Cena: Word life, Tazz!

Tazz: Word life, Cena! WORD LIFE, EVERYONE!

 

And that's how John Cena discovered the true meaning of Christmas.

[The Czech Republic 0]

Have yourself a self-referential Christmas from your friends at TSM!