HD: NRG PROMO

[Patty O'Green 0]

COLE
Folks, I understand that Terry Taylor is with NRG, who made no friends when they attacked the Sk8er Boiz this past Sunday at Climaxx.

(We go backstage where Taylor, dressed in a fire engine red shirt, and gaudy green pants, to celebrate the season is standing next to Flex and Biff. Both men are shirtless to show off their majestic bodies.)

TERRY
Terry Taylor backstage with the OAOAST's newest tag team, NRG. Boy howdy am I glad to see you guys. Normally they make me deal with these two crazy girls. You've seen them. There's Alix. She's wild, but she's got a boyfriend to keep her busy now. Tell ya what, I don't envy him at all. I'd hate to be the one that has to wakeup next to her in the morning when all her makeup's off. Honestly, I think he might be as dumb as she is. And the other one is really smart, but she's just plain mean. You're in the fitness industry, you probably know her real well. She has all these exercise videos out. You've been around the fitness circuit, I heard she was a Miss California. But she's really fallen off the wagon, eh. She still looks good, but you can tell she's thirty four these days. But they both treat me like dirt, and I am sick of it. Terry Taylor is not dirt, damn it! Terry Taylor is a human being! One day someone's gonna push Terry Taylor a bit to far, and their gonna find out just how much Terry Taylor can push back! I'll show up with a machine gun, and it'll be chuga-chuga-chuga, swiss cheese all around. Grrrrr. One of these days. One day, one day, one too many days.

BIFF
We didn't RSVP to no pity party, hippy! Get to the point before I get to the beating!

(Biff starts pounding his fist into his palm.)

TERRY
Speaking of um beatings, what about what you did to the Sk8er Boiz backstage at Climax? You basically disrespected former tag team champions on your very first show in the company.

FLEX
Did you say [i]champions[/i], Terry Taylor? I hope you didn't. Because the definition of champion is one that is clearly superior or has the attributes of a winner. What about those limp wristed little girls says [i]winner[/i] to you? Am I missing something? Am I not looking deep enough or long enough? Because all I see is the appearance of two losers who pulled out fluke win after fluke win on their way to having one of the most forgettable tag team title reigns in the OAOAST's history. This does not scream champion to me! This screams loser so loud, I have to jam my fingers into my ears to shut out the noise. And I heard they entered themseleves into the Anderson Cup. How lovely. They oughta withdraw because with NRG in the tournament, their chances of winning are between slim and none, and slim just left the building. But these skater children, that's what they are, these mere boys, these sex objects for thousands of eleven year old girls who are well on their way to mothering three children by three different father's by age of seventeen, have latched onto the hottest selling line of sports drinks on the globe, NRG! I'll tell you this Terry Taylor, I am not having it. My partner, Biff, is not having it! We warned them once, but they continue to flaunt their unwanted affiliation in our faces at every opportunity. Earlier today, I saw them at the airport wearing NRG sweat shirts while signing autographs for a group of middle school girls!  I promise you we would've exposed everyone in that airport to horrific bloodshed, had there not been a collection of men in army fatigues holding rifles, and guns and possibly grenades. Damn counter terrorism measures. Terry Taylor, they are taking the NRG name and using it for their own personal gain. That is unacceptable. Look at it from our point of view. Would you want someone running around going “I'm the red rooster! Gobble Gobble! Wobble Gobble! Dobble gobble wobble fobble mobble gobble bobble lobble pobble! Ah'm da red roooooostahhhhh, errrrrbodaaaay!”

TERRY
Why, Jesus? Why do must I endure such humiliation?

(Biff starts growling, as drool seeps out from the corner of his mouth)

TERRY 
Uh....what is that you want from Marvin and Mel?

FLEX
Terry Taylor, our objective is so simple that even someone from (checks writing on hand) Hartford could understand.

“BOOOOO!”

FLEX
Is this what they call “cheap heat”? Surprisingly easy, and addictive fun! Let's try again. Hartford, your men are lacking in quality of appearance and your women's breath reeks of penis that does not belong to their husbands!

“BOOOOO!”

FLEX
Hartford, I wish to make amends! I wrote you a poem. Roses are red. Violets are Blue. When I think of you I want to go poo.

“BOOOOOOO!”

FLEX
I could do that all day. Terry Taylor,  what we want out of the bastard love children of Tony Hawk and Aaron Carter is clear. Just like President Bill Clinton, a current client, denied sexual relations with that cow Monica Lewinsky, we want the Boiz to deny ingestion of NRG products! Put plainly, we want them to go on national TV and denounce NRG! Bury our products! Put them six feet under like a bad HBO drama! If you don't I'll put more bullets in you then the Soprano's. The jury won't think twice before sending me off to Oz. Biff, I can tell you want to talk, but please curb your enthusiasm.

TAYLOR
I'm almost afraid to ask, but let's hear your thoughts Biff.

BIFF
I'll die bleeding before I let the Sk8er Bois ever endorse NRG again. I'd carve up my own bitch of a mother from head to toe and use her bloody scalp as a Frisbee, before I let them ever say the name NRG!

TERRY
Hahahahhaa! Working in the OAOAST, I hear some pretty stupid things. But this takes the cake! Thanks for the good laugh, fellas. Are you two crazy? You're getting free publicity! Your product is getting mentioned on TV...for free! Of course it's on a show no one in their right mind would ever watch but it's free! You're loco!

FLEX
Maybe we are. Maybe we aren't.  But you're certainly a few coked out underage skanks short of a whore house if you think you're going to get away with talking to us like that. Biff, fry this chicken.

BIFF
Shake my hand, hippy.

TERRY
Huh? Why? Is your last name Spezia by any chance?

BIFF
Shake my hand, hippy.

TERRY
Okay...sure.

(A firm handshake is exchanged between the two, Terry sweating bullets, Biff showing no emotion)

BIFF
Thanks, hippy. I've never shook hands with a dead man before.

(Suddenly Biff rocks Taylor with a stiff clothesline! The announcer folds up like origami, groaning in agony. A group of wrestlers pass by the scene, but are more concerned with the free eggnog at the snack cart then with helping Terry. Foaming at the mouth, Biff puts the boots to the announcer) 

BIFF
Stomp him! Switch feet! Stomp him! Switch again!

(After thirty seconds passes, Flex finally interjects himself into the brutish proceedings.)

FLEX
Biff, Biffster, Bifferino, Biffy The Rooster Slayer, relax. The clothesline was fine. But don't you think the stomps are a wee bit overkill?

BIFF
That sounds like hippy talk to me. Are you going hippy on me?

FLEX
What? No! Never! Stomp away, my maladjusted friend!

(Biff continues stomping on Terry)

FLEX
(dropping a packet of NRG protein drink mix on Terry)
Here, Terry Taylor, Merry Christmas, have a free sample. It's our new flavor, Chocolate Berry Blast. NRG.

BIFF
GET NRGIZZZZZZEDDDD!

Edited December 23, 2005 by Patty O'Green