HD: COD SKIT

[Patty O'Green 0]

lolly, lolly, lolly, I like lolipops!

 

COLE
There's no situation developing backstage, but uh....let's just go there anyway!

COACH
Cripes, Mikey, just go to the bathroom during the commercial breaks! Well, if we're killing time until Mikey's done peeing, let's do the right thing and get some fine eye candy on screen.

(By order of Coach we go backstage to the dressing room of Chicks Over Dicks. Krista Isadora Duncan seems to be the only one present. Wearing a white one shoulder tube top and a flowly orange skirt, she's typing away on her Dell Laptop computer. Sitting next to the best selling author are three empty bottles of Jack Daniels and a half full glass of Coke and rum. Her hard work is interrupted by the arrival of her tag team partner, Alix Maria Spezia. Miss Spezia is outfitted in a gorgeous cream colored camisole, and aged indigo low rise flared jeans. I know too much about women's fashion.)

KRISTA
Hey, sweetie. You look cute. How ya feeling? Good? Bad? Horrendous? Gruesome? Shuddersome? Atrocious? I'm running out of adjectives, so gimme an answer.

ALIX
Aside from the concussion, stitches, and chilling nightmares that will forever haunt me in my sleep, I'm a-okay, I guess. Whatcha doing?

KRISTA
I'm writing a romance novel. My agent said the market is ripe for expanding into fiction.  I'll have people flocking to my book like a methadone clinic's patients to a candy store. I'm only on chapter four but this book is so hot I have to wipe the steam off my screen after every sentence. I dare my editor to read this with tight pants on. I call it [i]Passion in the Bayou[/i]. Good title, huh?

ALIX
You're writing a romance novel? Woah, now I know what Peter Knight must feel like when he listens to me talk, because I think my brain just melted. You? Krista, it's Christmas not April Fools!

KRISTA
Excuse me? Honey, I'm the most romantic woman you'll ever meet.. I'll read you a passage. Ahem! “As his impious unit vigorously penetrated the angelic walls of her luxurious jungle,  scenes of hideous terror played within the pitiable cinema of her mind. Starring in the lead role was her fragile feminine identity, set to act out it's grandiose death scene at the hands of his malevolent masculinity. She was keenly aware that strong action had to be taken before this oft-repeated tragedy emerged as reality's macabre fruition. The brilliant woman reached over to her night stand and grabbed the key to her eternal salvation. A golden letter opener. He screamed, as his phallic power became submerged in a rising crimson pool. She screamed as well, intensely overwhelmed by her spectacular orgasm of female liberation.” Can you say Krissy's got a tenth New York Times Bestseller?

ALIX
Yeaaaah. And I can also say Krissy's got issues!

KRISTA
I bet they make this into a movie. You know who would be good in the lead role? Winona Ryder. I drove by her home last week. She had bars on her window to prevent people from robbing [i]her[/i]. If the irony of that hit me any harder, I'd have the words i-r-o-n imprinted on my forehead. Y wouldn't fit because I have a small forehead.  Are you sure you're okay? You didn't laugh at my methadone joke. I told it on the [i]Today[/i] show last month. Katie Couric died. Not literally. That would be awful, or wonderful, depending on your taste in televised morning talk shows. You haven't been so chipper and upbeat these past few days after our Climax match. I can understand why you're so down, but don't try and pretend everything is fine, when it's obviously not.

ALIX
I am fine! I swear it.

KRISTA
No, you're not. The whole thing was a rather mortifying experience, and I understand if you don't want to talk about it. But, I have to say this. What hurts me the most and cuts the deepest, was that Leon Rodez, your Lee-Lee, was no where to be found while Marky Mark's funky bunch were having their way with you during the match.

ALIX
(softly)
What do you mean?

KRISTA
Oh you know exactly what I mean, sweetie. If Leon loved you like he claims he does, then why on earth did he not make a heroic attempt to rescue his damsel in distress? Johnny and Scotty made you bleed. I watched that. I had to stand on the ring apron, held up by a sixty year old man, and listen you to scream and cry for help while your blood and your tears puddled on the mat. I had to watch that. Powerless. I had to listen to them call you a slut and a lot of other things. It broke my heart. I don't even feel like we won the match. That was above and beyond a pro wrestling contest. That was pure abuse, and your asshole boyfriend, who you love so much, was nowhere to be found. Where the hell was he, Ally? What was he doing? I think that's a fair question.

ALIX
He can't run in on the match. That's against the rules...

KRISTA
Oh, oh, oh, oh! My mistake! I forgot that Leon Rodez is such a paragon of virtuosity and moral code! Fine, let's live in Alix's magic fantasy land where snakes talk, monkeys fly, and Leon Rodez is actually an upstanding holder of ethical law. Where was he after match then? How come when the bell rung, he wasn't rushing down the ramp as fast as his stubby legs could carry him? If there was any part of him that cared about you, he would've been in that ring in an instant. So who [i]was[/i] there for you when you needed help the most? Not Lee-Lee, but Krissy.

ALIX
Krista, you're not in competition with him!

KRISTA
It's always a competition.

ALIX
Please don't talk about Leon this way, Krista. You don't even know him. He's sweet. He's not like the others.

KRISTA
(muttering)
You're hopeless.

ALIX
Huh?

KRISTA
Honestly, tell me what someone like Leon Rodez could possibly ever do for you? What can he ever give to you, besides years of bitterness and regret? This happens every year with you, Alix. You fall for one of these shitheads and they turn you into a blubbering emotional wreck. Who do you come running to when you've lost control and you can't stop the heartache? Who's shoulder is it that you spend nights crying on? Krista's. Who do you think is going to be there catch you when you fall? Krista. This relationship will end like all the others. With you on the floor in tears, and your heart in tattered rags and your soul in pieces. At some point these walls will cave in, and you'll never stop your suffering. Don't believe me? Look at your history. You can't hide from your past. Open your eyes to the future. He will leave on your knees with your heart bleeding in your hands.

(Alix pauses, lost within the parade of Krista's logic)

ALIX
(weakly)
Well, you're not..so..so.. perfect, okay. Let's..let's...look at your history. Yeah! What about Ned, huh? Yeah, what about him?

KRISTA
That was almost six years ago, Alix. And the Ned I loved isn't the Ned you see today. The Ned I loved was killed by this Handsome Hustler character. Look, I'm sorry. It's not that I'm trying to be mean or make you feel bad. I'm just sick of watching you get hurt all the time. Don't try and think that I'm the bad girl here. Is it a crime to be concerned? Is it a bad thing that I care about you?

ALIX
I guess not...

KRISTA
You guess not? Hmph. Glad to know I inspire such gratitude

ALIX
Awwww, Krissy, I didn't mean it like that. Hey, I got you a gift! I know you don't celebrate Christmas and all, so we'll call it a happy  “bigoted, homophobic white-man oppressing the disenfranchised minorities of America” day gift. Unfortunately, the fine people at Hallmark don't make a card for such a holiday, and my attempts at framing their CEO as a pedophile have merely led to me being investigated by the FBI. So if anyone in a suit and a fancy badge comes knocking on your door, and doesn't look like the strip-o-gram I ordered, tell them I've moved to Rhode Island and have changed my name to Candie! But here's your gift. I wrapped it and everything. And don't worry this isn't like your birthday. I learned my lesson! Why didn't someone tell me about these [i]airholes[/i]? Oh Petey, heaven knows no better an angel.

(Alix pulls a small box out of her pocket, and lays it on the table. She smiles proudly, but that smile soon fades when she sees that Krista isn't about to unwrap the gift.)

ALIX
Aren'tcha gonna open it?

KRISTA
Right now? Honey, I'm busy. This book isn't gonna write itself. Krista Isadora Duncan didn't become a millionaire by having hallmark moments on live television. She became one by being emotionally detached from the world around her, and eventually alienating those that she cares about the most. Soooo...

ALIX
(trying to sound upbeat but failing)
Well, you can open it later. It's no big deal. “bigoted, homophobic white-man oppressing the disenfranchised minorities of America” day is sort of a year round holiday anyway. Hmmm. Hey, wanna see these fliers I made?

(Without waiting for an answer Alix thrusts a stack of papers at Krista)

KRISTA
(reading it)
Vote for Alix for most entertaining wrestler of the year in the 2005 Angle Awards?

ALIX
Yeah! I'm sure I could fit that next to my Oscar in my award case. Oh sure the Oscar says Jodie Foster on the nameplate, but after having to shell out seven dollars and seventy five cents to sit through [i]Contact[/i], I personally feel that I'm just as if not more entitled to the award as she is. 

KRISTA
Knowing how most of the guys here are, why don't you bring Los Diablos De Fuego on your campaign trail and see if they can [i]rock the vote[/i] by rocking the boat, if you're picking up what I'm putting down.

ALIX
Krista!

KRISTA
Just a suggestion. I don't suppose your cute little flier includes anything about us being nominated for best tag team or me being nominated for most underrated wrestler?

ALIX
Uh..um..they're  on there!

KRISTA
Really? All I see is Vote for Alix in big bold letters, a picture of you in a bikini, with your head taped onto my body by the way, and a coupon for twenty five percent off a grand slam at Denny's.

ALIX
Are you sure? Oh my! Oh heaven's no! This can't be right! The printer must've messed up. How awfully awful! Well, I've got so many of them, and I'd hate for all those poor little trees to have died in vain to make my fancy paper, so when you're done being a bitter drunk can you pass some out for me?

KRISTA
Sure thing.

(BACK TO THE SC)

COACH
I wonder what gift Alix gave Krista? Probably some piece of roadkill, like a dead skunk, or whatever type of gift trailer trash like that gives. Heeheeh!

Edited December 23, 2005 by Patty O'Green