HD: NRG SKIT/PROMO

[Patty O'Green 0]

Who's up for some kinky assplay?

 

The man, the myth, the legend, Josh “J.Math” Matthews, master of the Mathillennium, and stone cold pimp of the nation, is positioned at the top of lavishly decorated OAOAST interview stage, which currently rests to the bottom left of the giant video screen above the entrance door. Hanging on the walls of the stage are pictures of various OAOAST stars past and present, Tony Brannigan, Dan Black, Some Guy, Zack, CWM, Peter Knight, etc. Decked out in an Anglemania basketball jersey, and baggy sweatpants, Josh stands proud, ignoring the numerous accusations of goat rape from the various crowd members.

JOSH “J.MATH” MATTHEWS, MASTER OF THE MATHILLENNIUM AND STONE COLD PIMP OF THE NATION
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring to you one of the newest tag teams in the OAOAST, Flex Phillips, Biff Atlas....N...R...G!

The second Josh concludes his introduction, the airy sounds that make up the opener of former Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale's song [i]Adrenaline[/i] fill the jam packed venue. The arena dims down to an erry darkness, illuminated solely by a green glow engulfing the entrance stage. Several seconds pass through time, allowing comments and boos to slip out the lips of the restless audience. Eventually the pace of Mister Stefani's voice picks up as does the accompanying instrumentals. The entrance doors tearing apart, revealing for the very first time, the duo known as NRG. Flex Phillips outfitted in a stunning navy pinstriped suit, steps out to the edge of stage, arrogantly regarding the booing audience with bitterest contempt. Biff Atlas, tobacco bulging the side of his fat cheek, stalks across the staging area, occasionally spiting the brown substance at those spectators who have the nerve to taunt him. Eventually the muscular pair congregate at the interview set.

JOSH
Flex, Biff, great to have ya here on HeldDOWN~!

FLEX PHILLIPS
First off, I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to thank Axel for providing myself and my partner with the time to speak on matters. Axel is a man who's keen eye for talent quickly implores his swift hand to action! Biff and I are proud to represent the NRG banner within Axel's HeldDOWN~!

“AX-HOLE! AX-HOLE!” chants a single fan in a MST3K t-shirt in response to the mention of Axel's name. Biff manages to shut him up by spitting a wad of tobacco in his face.

FLEX
Secondly, I'd be like to introduce the viewing audience to a woman who's pure class is only dwarfed by her immense beauty. The radiance of her very presence will lighten the darkness within your pitiful soul. She is our business consultant, Miss Mackenzie DeCenzo!

(The entrance doors open allowing, a leggy, busty brunette in a business suit to step out. She bounces-bounce being the operative word-over to J.Math, who's grinning from ear to ear.)

MACKENZIE DeCENZO
Thank you. Although I've never watched professional wrestling, and have little interest the product presented and am indifferent to it's continued success, I am not depressed to be here. Thank you.

FLEX
Thirdly, Josh, direct your eyes to the giant video screen above you, and look at me, then look at you. If the clothes truly make the man, then I must be made out of 24 Karat gold. You, however look to be made out of the pooling puddle of piss and semen next to the toilet inside the center stall of a homeless shelter's bathroom. What in God's name are you wearing, Josh?

JOSH
This is a shirt. These are pants You might have learned that in second grade. And this thing I'm talking into, this is a microphone. Can you say microphone?

FLEX
Well, Carson Daly, what you call a shirt I call an affront to good taste and respectable fashion.

JOSH
What do you mean? This is fly fabric! My threads are off the chain! I look goooood. If I was a grocery store, I'd be super fresh, because that's what I am! Fre-fre-fre-fre-fresh!

“KILL YOURSELF, JOSH!” screams a nearby fan.

FLEX
Fly fabric? Josh, this interview is not being conducted at some rinky dink indy wrestling outfit running down at Mike's Bar N Grill in front of twenty five people who are only there to get out of the rain. According to apron on the ring, and the banner on this interview stage, you are on HeldDOWN. Last I checked HeldDOWN was a cutting edge television show, broadcasted into the homes of millions of loyal viewers worldwide. I would hope you would have the dignity to present yourself as such! But you think it's cool to dress like one of the rubes, don't you? Why do we even need you, Josh? Why don't we just use this guy in the front row, stuffing his face with nachos slowly eating himself into cardiac arrest, to interview us? Biff, Josh thinks his “fly fabric” is alright. Josh Matthews, thinks it's okay to conduct himself without a level of professionalism due his station!

(Moaning sweetly, Biff takes a loving a sniff of Josh's hair)

BIFF
His hair smells real pretty.

JOSH
Uh...um...thanks?

FLEX
Josh, consider this an intervention from a fashion expert. I want you to put this on. 

(Flex takes off his suit coat and puts it on Josh. Thanks to the obvious size differential between Flex and Josh, the suit makes the interviewer look like a young child who's tried on his daddy's work clothes.)

FLEX
Dress like the man, and you will be the man. NRG Word of Wisdom Number 129. America, how does J.Math look?

“I'D FUCK HIM!” screams a seven year old boy.

FLEX
What do you say, Biffster, how's he looking? Does he look like the man?

(Purring as he does so, Biff gently glides his stubby fingers through a terrified Josh's gorgeous hair)

BIFF
Damn, your hair smells pretty. What do you put in it?

JOSH
Uh, Pantene Pro-V.

BIFF
That all? Just Pantene? Smells real pretty 'n sweet. God damn. Flex, you gotta take a whiff of this here kid's hair.

(Flex leans in for a sniff. He smiles as the sweetend aroma of Josh's scent wafts up his nostrils)

FLEX
I'm liking it. I'm liking it. Speaking of fine shampoo products, you know what I dig? That Herbal stuff.. Errands, echoes, starts with an e.

BIFF
Herbal Essence, ya filthy hippy. And that's a conditioner.

FLEX
What's the difference?

MACKENZIE
Conditioner goes on after shampoo. But Herbal Essence is a shampoo also. I really like their Fruit Fusions line.

BIFF
I happened to have never tried that!

MACKENZIE
Oh, you don't know what your missing, Biff! It does wonders for oily hair!

JOSH
Oooookay, well it's been very educational from the Loreal contingent. But how about we get down to business. And our business is wrestling! Next week you two face off in our final Anderson Cup opening match, against none other then the Sk8er Boiz..... 

The females in the audience let loose with a full throated roar for the handsome hunks.

JOSH
Listen to that reaction! It should be one heck of a fight, eh!

BIFF
Hippy, that's as much a fight as there is between a lion and a zebra. It never fails to make me laugh when I watch the Discovery channel, and I see the zebra running it's ass off, as if it has a chance of being the one zebra who actually can cheat death. The zebra has no chance! When you put the mightiest animal on earth, the lion, against the zebra, the outcome is inevitable! The zebra lives as long as the lion allows it to live! The Sk8er Boiz live as long as we allow them to live! When the lion wants that zebra, it's over. When we want the Sk8er Boiz, it is over for them! The lion is the king of that zebra's world. NRG is the king of the Sk8er Boiz' world. When someone dies, you say god thought it was their time to go. There is no god in my jungle! [i]I am god[/i], damn it! I am the lion, I decide who lives and who dies! And I say the zebra is deader then disco! This is a scene that has played out for centuries! This very scene will play out next week on HeldDOWN! Show up at the arena on January 26th and you can watch nature at it's most barbaric! When the lion gets the zebra in it's fangs, there is nothing left for that zebra but a gruesome, bloody death. Zoom in close cameraman, get a good shot of the savage beast. You can see the saliva dripping off the edge of my razor sharp fangs, you can smell the pungent odor of the bloodlust on my rancid breath. The lion is hungry. The lion wants his zebra! (Biff starts sniffing Josh's hair again) And maybe the lion wants a mate to. Maybe the king of the jungle...needs a queen? I bet yer a real swell kisser, Josh. Ain'tcha, hippy? You got them real thick lips that are right for baby makin'.

FLEX
(impersonating Austin Powers)
Grrrrrrr, baby, very grrrrr.

(A fearful Josh hides behind Mackenzie, who's seems least likely to renact a seen from [i]Deliverance[/i])

MACKENZIE
It's not a fight. It's a slaughter. It's the superior life form reaffirming dominance over the inferior life form.

JOSH
We're all aware of what your issue is with the Boiz, but most of us don't think it makes any real sense. What is the problem with them giving your products props? Krista Isadora Duncan was more then happy that they endorsed her videos and books. If Boiz are good enough for Kris, aren't they good enough for NRG?

A “Krista” chant starts up among the spectators.

MACKENIZE
Did you see her at the Golden Globes? Psh! What about that dye job, Biff?

BIFF
It looked like a skunk went 'n died up on her head. I had to turn my TV off, I did. It was that ugly.

FLEX
Matthews, you like the rest of America have brought into the carefully constructed marketing scheme known as Krista Isadora Duncan. The quirky personalities of Krista, and her cute little sidekick Alix, are about as real as Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy. They are the high paying machinations of a well funded corporate think tank. Get on your sunglasses, because I'm about to show you the light. Let me tell you a little something about the lovely and talented Krista Isadora Duncan. She isn't lovely, and the jury's still out on the talented bit, I do declare. I know Krista Isadora Duncan “world renowned fitness expert” and she may be world renowned but the only thing she's an expert in is giving lap dances at the company's Christmas party after a few Strawberry Daiquiris. Her and her sidekicks rise to the top of the entertainment industry is solely due to the fact that they have no qualms about sleeping with every man and woman in their Rolodex!  Krista's word in the fitness industry holds as much weight as that loud mouth boar Doctor Phil's does in the world of psychology. Her brand of “pop fitness” isn't fit to be taken seriously by anyone with a fully functioning brain. Let me read an excerpt from her book [i]Soul of a Womyn[/i], I've memorized it by heart, “In order to achieve the best possible you, you must carefully outline your fitness and beauty goals.”

(Flex pauses to laugh at the stupidity only he can see.)

FELX
Holy shit on a peanut butter and penis sandwich! What a profound and astounding revelation, Miss Isadora Duncan! Might there be any other nuggets of  shimmering wisdom you'd enjoy sharing with us? Apparently there are because she's wrote about ten of these things. Each more trite then the last. You can take her words with more salt then the Gunther Salt company produces in a year. Who's letting this woman write self help books, when she's lugging around more baggage then a Samsonite factory? She's one DUI away from getting the pink slip dropped on her, and spending the next six years of her miserable life as the center square on [i]Hollywood squares[/i]. Don't listen to her. Of course she'll take an endorsement from the Sk8er Bois. She doesn't care about the quality of her product. Not like I do. Not like NRG does. She was on Oprah a week ago and she  let Oprah endorse her product! Oprah for Pete's sake! Oprah endorsing a fitness product? Wrap your brain around that, man! 

MACKENIZE
Biff, did you see Oprah's hair when she interviewed that woman who's husband get killed on that cruise ship?

BIFF
Those curls were simply divine, Oprah. Simply divine.

FLEX
Uh-huh. Josh, within the word NRG there is a silent Q. That Q stands for quality. You can take away our offices, you can take us off the shelves, you can take away our tax records in an IRS investigation my lawyer advised me not to comment on, but you can never take away the Quality! As I tell my shareholders with both pride and conviction, quality is the one thing that NRG embodies. Quality in it's employees. Quality in it's product. Quality in it's presentation. Quality in it's customers. The Sk8er Boiz are anything but quality. NRG is used by the crème de la crème. The Sk8er Boiz are the merde de la merde. The shit of the shit. And what do you do with shit?

“EAT IT!” screams a fan in the front row.

FLEX
No. You flush it down the toilet, and that is exactly where the Sk8er Boiz' chances of winning this tournament went the moment they were paired against NRG. NRG....

BIFF
TASTE THE RAINBOW!

(Face twisted in annoyance, Flex punches the air)

MACKENZIE
Biff, that's not the slogan.

BIFF
It ain't?

FLEX
Noooooooo. Let's try one more time. NRG...

“I LIKE TO EAT SHIT!” screams the fecalmaniac in the front row.

(Driven to edge of his sanity, Flex storms off the stage, cussing under his breath. Slightly more upbeat, Biff and Mackie follow suit.)

JOSH
You have been NRGIzed, ladies and gentlemen! Triple C, the stone cold pimp of the nation sends it back to ya'll skeezers.

Edited January 20, 2006 by Patty O'Green