HD: Krista and Jade skit

[Patty O'Green 0]

There should be an Alix coming to you later, but the two skits operate independently of each other so it doesn't matter where you place them.

 

Our view is transported outside the venue where we find Krista Isadora Duncan sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette, waxing her surfboard, and relaxing in the cool island evening. However, in what seems to be a weekly occurrence here on HeldDOWN~!, Krissy's treasured moment of solitude is interrupted by the arrival of a bothersome guest. This time meddlesome party is one Jade Rodez, sister of Leon Rodez.

JADE
Uh...Miss Duncan?

Shocked by the intrusion, Krista lets her surfboard drop from her hands in fright. 

KRISTA
Oh! You startled me. Jesus Christ. Thank god I'm wearing yellow pants. I hope you know what to do if I have a heart attack. Did you know heart disease is the leading cause of death for women? I'll be speaking on that topic at UCLA if you're interested. Oh, where are my manners? Hi, Jade.

For some confusing reason, Jade's face brightens like a Christmas tree.

KRISTA
Are you okay?

JADE
You...you..remembered...my...name! You didn't need any clues or prompts! I didn't have to say starts with a J and ends with an ade! You just came right out and said my name! Wow! My name has never sounded so beautiful before. [i]Jaaaaade[/i]. Oooooh. Thank you so very much Miss Duncan! Wow! [i]Jaaaaaade[/i].

KRISTA
I knew I should've called you Jill. From the way you're acting I feel I ought to offer you a bottle of Ritalin and a restraining order. But I have neither the crooked inner city doctor nor the overpriced shyster straight out of USC law school available to facilitate those items. But I can offer you a Marlboro. Wanna smoke?

JADE
Oh no, Miss Duncan. Cigarettes can kill!

KRISTA
That's my hope.

(Hoping Jade will take the silent hint to get lost, Krista goes back to working on her board. Jade, however, doesn't quite pick up on Krissy's not so subtle clues.)

JADE
Hey, who's surfboard is that?

KRISTA
(holding her board and looking at Jade with puzzlement on her face)
It's mine.

JADE
You...surf? Wow! Aren't you kind of...

KRISTA
Kind of what?

(Not having the social grace to backtrack out of her comments, Jade continues to inadvertently insult Krista)

JADE
You know...[i]old[/i]?

(Sighing inwardly, Krista sets her surfboard back to the ground.)

KRISTA
Okay, Good Ol JR, clever play on your initials, tell me what Krista Isadora Duncan can do for you? I mean surely you didn't just come out here to remind me that I'm old enough to remember Gladys Knight before she looked like she ate all the Pips. So, what's up?

JADE
(nervousness forcing her to speak softly)
I....I..well..uh...I was...um..

KRISTA
To quote the highbrow Oscar Worthy comedy [i]Billy Madison[/i] “Ta..ta..ta...today, junior!” 
(feeling a sharp pang of guilt, Krista remorsefully shakes her head)
God, I can be such an asshole. I'm sorry. Just tell me what's wrong, kiddo.

JADE
Your tag title match at Zero Hour. Um, if it's not that big a deal, can I maybe come on down to the ring with you and Alix?

KRISTA
(taken aback by the request)
Now why would you want to do a thing like that?

JADE
Uh...I kind of thought with that Jim Cornette guy at ringside, you might kind of need someone who can maybe keep things..uh..under control? Maybe. I don't know. Jeez. I know that I don't have the hottest record when it comes to wrestling. But Jim Cornette's no Molly Matthews, I..I..think I could deal with him.

KRISTA
Forget Molly Matthews, Jim's no Dave Matthews. He is in bad shae. Jim Cornette is one KFC Snackers combo away from a cardiac arrest and a "HeldDOWN is Corny" tribute show. He's the one who needs your help. Maybe you can dress up as an EMT and shock him back to life when the good lord does us all a favor and decides he's swung his last racket. The only thing I need to stop fat body is a bucket of drumsticks, some biscuits and a bottle of Mylanta. The dude's forty five years old and looks like he's sixty five. His face has got more wrinkles, cracks, and marks, then the stretched out ass of a day shift lap dancer at Larry Flynt's hustler club. Every time I see Jimmy I hear Bob Dylan singing in my head. “Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door”. Every time he sees me he hears The Beatles “Help! I need somebody! Help! I need somebody!” 

JADE
Um, I don't know who Bob Dylan is.

KRISTA
While that makes me weep for the future of America, it's not terribly important right now. What is important is that Jim Cornette doesn't even pose a threat to a baby with a bad cough. And you and I both know that. You're trying to ask me an embarrassing question without sounding too stupid. That's pretty hard to do. So why don't you go ahead and tell me the real reason you want be at ringside?

(Jade sits down next to Krista, and after a moment's pause and a heavy sigh she finally admits the truth)

JADE
Ned. 

KRISTA
Ah-ha. Go on.

JADE
I know that some people think I should toughen up and get over what he did to me. But I'm not that a strong person. I'm not the type who can just wake up and decide I'm gonna forget about how that sleazeball had me pinned against the wall, fearing for my safety, praying to god that I'd make it through the ordeal unharmed. I don't have some magic on/off switch I can use to flip off all the memories. If I did, I would've turned them off in a silly minute. But these feelings and the fear just won't go away. They're sticking with me like a cancer. I don't know. Maybe, I'm just being dumb. 

KRISTA
(lighting another cigarette)
You're not being dumb. Not at all.

(Krista's plainly stated comment puts a genuine smile on Jade's lips.)

JADE
Um, thanks. Well, there are times when I'm at the arenas and I'm just walking down a hallway full of people, and they're smiling at me and they're waving at me and they're being so polite, but I can't return their courtesy because all I can do is keep nervously looking over my shoulder because I keep thinking that he's there waiting to hurt me. That he's gonna turn his tough talk into tough action and I'm gonna pay the price of me being a woman and him being an asshole. It's just so hard. I don't have anyone to talk to. Leon doesn't get angry, he doesn't understand me. I try to talk to Alix, and she's the nicest person I know, and she's sweet, but she doesn't really get it. You understand me, Krista. I know you do. You're the only one who really knows what it's like to absolutely despise someone, to hate Ned. God, I feel bad for saying this but want to watch him suffer. I have this horrible need to watch him hurt. I want to be right there raising your hand, when he's stirring back to life, and he starts to realize that you and Alix have been crowned the tag team champions. I want to see him get what he deserves, and you get what you deserve. I know I'm asking a lot but can I please be out there?

KRISTA
I don't know. If I say yes will you promise not to hug or touch me in anyway?

JADE
Yeah.

KRISTA
In that case my answer is yes. You can come down with us.

JADE
I lied!

KRISTA
Wha...

(Before Krista can finish that thought, Jade wraps her arms around her for an appreciative hug! Muttering under her breath, Krista complains about the wrinkling of her expensive shirt that took forever to iron)

JADE
Thank you so much, Miss Duncan! Your the best around!

KRISTA
(singing)
And no one's ever gonna bring me down.

JADE
Huh?

KRISTA
It's from a song. Joe Espizitio? [i]You're the best[/i]? From [i]Karate Kid[i]? You don't know what [i]Karate Kid[/i] is do you? Nevermind. (Krista sighs) Time for me to tell you a little story about the man who's got you so worried. So, you tell me you're afraid. You think you're scared? I bet you really are, but take solace in what I'm about to tell you. Ned Blanchard is a lie. This trumped up Handsome Hustler persona is just a mask to shield the helpless boy he's become. He talked a good word last week, sitting in front of the Hollywood sign, pretending like he's somebody important, acting like people give a damn about a word that comes out of his lips. But anybody could detect the sorrow, the desperation in his voice when he claimed he'd never let me take his tag team title. In his own warped mind if I take his belt, I take more then a championship, I strip away everything that he is. I take away all that he has left.

JADE
(nodding enthusiastically)
That's good! He deserves it!

KRISTA
Maybe so. But imagine living your life with the knowledge that your entire reason for existing, the sole object that defines your very being, the one thing that let's you know you're still alive, can be robbed of you in three little seconds. That's Ned's life. Some people live day to day. Ned lives pinfall to pinfall, second to second. He is paralyzed with fear of the frightening knowledge that the only thing that separates him from a life without meaning is three beats of a referee's hand. One. Two. Three. Gone. Ned Blanchard ceases to exist. Jade, I can look to my daughter and I know that as long as I have her, I will always feel, my life will always have purpose and I will always be alive. Ned is very different. He's turned on and abused every last person who's shown him even a sliver of kindness. This so called Handsome Hustler is just a souless child who endures hours of unending loneliness. He has no family, he has no friends, his sole contact with his own flesh and blood is a birthday card that arrives three month's too late. Ned Blanchard's only true link to this world is a cold hunk of metal that's even more unfaithful then he. All Ned can do is get on his knees and pray that he never hears the words “And new tag team champions!” Because when he does he might as well be dead. A wiser woman then I would be wary of Ned, because no one fights as hard as a man who's living on the edge of nothingness.

JADE
Do you feel bad for him at all?

KRISTA
I feel sorry for the man he used to be. But there is no hint of that sweet spirit left in the miserable husk we see today. Now he's just a monster. He broke your spirit, he tried to break Holly's neck, and he broke my heart. And in my hometown of Los Angeles, California, I will break his.

Edited February 24, 2006 by Patty O'Green