HD:ALIX/CHRISTIAN WRIGHT SKIT

[Patty O'Green 0]

(Backstage we see Christian Wright, outfitted in the finest of Nordstrom bought suits, standing in front the Chicks Over Dicks dressing room. It appears that Wright, who's holding a baseball bat, has enlisted the services of one of our cameras to take part in whatever convoluted scheme he's cooked up.)

CHRISTIAN WRIGHT
Salutations to my loyal viewing audience! It is I, Christian Wright, maven of morality, emperor of ethics, and champion of chastity! I have commandeered this recording apparatus for purposes that I must confess are not entirely innocent in their nature. But while the morally numbed mind of the layman may see my future actions as deplorable and unfitting of a man of my upstanding constitution, those who look past the shallow surface shall see that my motives are steeped in unwavering virtue! In fact, I, the OAOAST moral high-ground, HI-YAH heavyweight champion of the world, and soon to be defeater of Zack Malibu, Christian Wright, have dutifully prepar...

MARTY THE CAMERA MAN
(off screen because he's holding the camera. Duh!)
Man, get to the point, it's only a two hour show!

WRIGHT
Then what remains of that two hours will be tirelessly devoted to showcasing my crusade against the perversion of ethics put forth by the harlots who lie behind this door, Chicks Over Dicks! My sad hours have stretched into tortured days as I still feel the virulent sting of the disgraceful slap Alix Spezia laid upon my fair skin. The wound she struck against my person has descended into the deepest bays of my agonized soul, imploring me to take wrathful vengeance against this sexually indiscriminate bimbo. Follow me, Martin, as I, OAOAST moral highground, HI-YAH Heavyweight Champion, and soon to be defeater of Zack Malibu, Christian Wright, see fit to slay this profaner of the OAOAST.

MARTY 
(mumbling)
I knew I shouldn't have dropped out of law school.

(While Marty contemplates quietly setting the camera and making a run for it, Christian Wright, baseball bat in tow, barges into the dressing room. Immediately he's greeted by the saucy aroma of southwestern food wafting up his nostrils. The alluring scents temporarily disarm the snobbish villain as he gazes around the room. Unfortunately [i]we[/i] can't gaze around the room, because Marty, ever the cheeky little monkey, has decided to focus the camera's attention on Alix Spezia BUTT. However thanks to the prodding of Wright, Marty eventually reshifts his focus from Alix's tushy, to rest of the locker room. We're able to see that Al and Los Diablos De Fuego have expertly converted the spacious area into an efficiently run makeshift kitchen! Wearing cute little matire'd outfits, Los Diablos scurry about the room, sprinkling seasoning in various pots and performing various culinary tasks. Alix seems to be the brains behind this operation, outfitted in a chef's hat and an apron that reads Kiss me I'm Irish. Which isn't true. She's actually half Italian and half Spanish. Krista is nowhere to be seen. Smart woman.)

MARIACHI
Hola, Senor!

ALIX
Hey a visitor who's not from INS! Hi there! Can I help ya?

WRIGHT
(pointing his bat at Alix)
Prepare yourself, vile seductress, for an occurrence of utmost import draws near!

ALIX
Oh! You discovered the location of Eisenhower's brain! Goodie! Come on boys let's get our shovels, we've got diggin' to do!

WRIGHT
Stay in your places, flea bags! Alix Spezia, do you not recognize the resentful face of the man you've sinned against?

ALIX
Oh, I remember you. Yessir. Ya know, Lee-Lee tried to talk to me about you. Boy, did he get worked up! Something about exposing him as a pornstar, smashing a lava lamp over his head, costing him his X division title, whatever. I just had to say; Ya know, I'm sure it's a really sad story, babe, but this bed is only gonna vibrate for two more minutes before I gotta drop in another quarter. So why don't you make like Elvis and have a little less conversation, so we can make like Marvin Gaye and starting getting it on, because I feel like Barry White 'cause I can't get enough of your love, baby. But, yeah, he didn't have many nice things to say aboutcha, dude. Unless “shit eating, pole smoking, asshole” is some new kinda compliment I haven't been tipped off to.

WRIGHT
(chuckling to himself)
Yes, your “Lee-Lee” and I have had our share of skirmishes, as it were. Though I must confess, he often tends to be the party emerging with the scrapes and scars of a sound thrashing!

ALIX
Uh-huh.  I know we got off to a hella bad start with you killing the heat of my rockin' segment two weeks ago by saying a bunch of words no one understood, and calling me a tramp and all that. And I'm pretty sure I have the right to be super mad at you, but what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And although I could probably never love someone quite as dorky as you, I would be willing to let you be my sugar daddy. While I won't have sex with you, you should feel free to buy me lots of expensive stuff. Ya know, I figure the whole interview incident was result of you being intimidated by my beauty. Why wouldn't you be? I'm a total babe and you're a total loser. Like, if we were to combine ourselves into a popular website that superficially reduces human beauty to a quick and cold numerical value judgment of someone's worth as a person in a sly effort to undercut society's collective self-esteem, I'd be the [i]hot[/i], and you'd be the [i]not[/i]. I'm not so sure who would be the [i]or[/i]. Anyway, why don't you and I at least try to be friends? I mean, you're just in time!

WRIGHT
In time for what, dare I ask?

ALIX
For cooking with Alix, silly! Mariachi, Moracca, seat this gentlemen!

(Amidst his weakly stated protest, Los Diablos usher Wright to a table, but not before they cop a feel in the process!)

ALIX
Mexicans are great aren't they? I was just talking with my good friend Nicole Richie and we both agreed that everyone should have one. I mean, she didn't really say she agreed. She more kinda said “How did you get into my house, you crazy bitch! I'm calling the cops!” But you could tell the agreement was totally there. And as the cops dragged me away, she said “I'll see you in court!” Can you believe that? A date with Nicole? Gnarly! Never heard of this Court place, though. Must be a new club! Anyway onto Cooking with Alix! So what do ya want to eat dude, dude? You can have anything your pretty heart desires as long as what your pretty heart desires is chili!

WRIGHT
Why is that you only have chili?

ALIX
Well, my plan is to market and sell this chili all over the world! See, Krista's got her exercise videos, so why can't I have my chili? My chili puts ten pounds on your BUTT, and Krista's videos knock it right off! Anywho, I got the idea 'cause Grandma Spezia had this closely guarded chili recipe that she always said I'd have to pry out of her cold dead head hands to get. Well this Sunday turned out to be my lucky day, because when I went over to Grandma's house, what did I see before me but a murder/suicide! It looked like Grandpa Spezia finally made good on his “One day, one day, one too many days” threat and BAM, no more Thanksgiving  at Grandma and Grandpa's! So I stepped over the dead bodies and scored the sweet recipe. Now, I'm gonna cooky-cook my way to culinary stardom! I know Grandma's looking up at me and is just so proud right now.

WRIGHT
Looking up?

ALIX
That woman's gotta be in hell. But you're gonna be in heaven once you taste this orgasm of flavor!

WRIGHT
I suppose I can indulge your culinary amusements as an appetizer to indulging in my own violent delectation. Very well. Service the HI-YAH heavyweight champion, and be quick about it, lazy dogs!

MORACCA
Chupame la polla!!

(Mariachi giddily sets a bowl of the delicious chili in front of the OAOAST's moral highground. With baited breath, Los Diablos and Alix watch as Wright takes skeptical a taste of the fine product. Much to everyone's delighted surprise, he doesn't regurgitate it immediately upon swallowing it. In fact his overjoyed taste buds betray his desire to put down Alix and force him to down several more eager spoonfuls. Yet it's only mere seconds after his euphoric first bite that something appears to have gone wrong. His face grimacing in an understated agony, the snooty grappler begins to slowly paw at his throat, unsure of what ails him. Unfortunately Alix is too wrapped up in her visions of being the next Rachel Ray to notice that her award winning chili may be hammering the first nail in Wright's coffin!)

ALIX
Really, the only thing I need is a name for it....

(Wright's moment of uncertainty passes, and he goes into full on panic mode, feeling a mischievous piece of meat waging a brutal war on his trachea. Wrought with panic, he frantically shoots himself out of his chair and clutches his throat)

MARTY
Hey, man, are you ok? You don't look too hot.

ALIX
A really good name. Something unique. Something bold.

WRIGHT
(pounding the table with his free hand)
SHIT! SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY! I'M FUCKING DYING HERE! GOD DAMN IT! SON OF A BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU FUCKERS!

ALIX
I dunno, Christian. That doesn't really have the catchy sort of zing I'm looking for in a name. Let me try it in a jingle. (singing) It's yummy, it's spicy, it's tangy , it's zippy, it's salty, it's snappy, it's altogether tastey, it's “SHIT! SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY! I'M FUCKING DYING HERE! GOD DAMN IT! SON OF A BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU FUCKERS!” Hmmm. I just don't think that's gonna work, babe. 

(Unfortunately Wright's spirited tantrum merely made an easily correctable situation more grievous, as all the excess movement forced down that tiny slab of meat, and now he really is choking! His face turning several shades of blue, Wright sinks onto the table, and desperately clutches onto a napkin as he can fill the treacherous chili making a winning bid to end his days. His speech becomes non existent and his movements turn erratic as he starts to see his life flash before his hazel eyes. He turns towards a confused Alix, desperately pointing at his throat, begging her to aid him in his time of crisis. Ever the helpful one Ally immediately springs to his aid, saving his life with the Heimlich manuveuer! After reconciling himself with his near death experience Wright, slightly humbled, resumes speaking.)

WRIGHT
(speaking softly, still trying to gather his voice.)
Because you have saved my life, I shall repay you in kind and spare your's. For now.

ALIX
Oooooh! Somebody named Christian has a crush on somebody named Mariachi, but that somebody named Christian is probably pretty uncomfortable with his latent feelings of homosexuality, so we'll pretend that somebody named Christian has a crush on somebody named Alix! And that somebody named is Alix is me! Cool! Is it because I saved you from a trip down to meet my Grandma? This is kinda like the original [i]Back to the Future[/i] in reverse. Ya know where Lea Thompson had to take care of that Michael J Fox dude because her  dad ran him over him with his car. So then Lea nursed him back to health and like tried to put the mac on him. But he got all uptight because he was like her son from the future and he didn't wanna make out with his mommy. But I don't really see what the issue is, I've done it, you get used to it after the third or fourth time. And my mom isn't even half as hot as Lea Thompson!

WRIGHT
Be silent and listen! Rather then physically eradicate you in front of this audience of three, as was my original intent, I will instead mentally dominate your languid mind in front an audience of millions. I, Christian Wright issue, you, Alix Maria Spezia, a simple challenge. Next week I wish to meet you in the honored confines of the OAOAST ring, not for a contest of fisticuffs, mind you, but for a carefully judged battle of intelligence and ideals.

ALIX
Sorry, can you repeat what you just said? I sorta left my pompous jerk-off to English dictionary at home.

WRIGHT
Useless call girl! I am challenging you to a [i]debate[/i]! A debate! Are you capable of understanding what a debate is? Next week on HeldDOWN, not only will the world see me celebrate my sensational defeat of Zack Malibu, they shall witness you and I opposing each other over the topic of [i]role modeling[/i]. What say you to this proposition?

ALIX
Oooooh, a debate! That'll be fun, fun, fun! Can I pick the guest menstruator?

WRIGHT
The what!? I believe you are thinking of a mediator.

MARTY
I think you both mean moderator.

ALIX
Can I pick him? Huh? Huh? Can I?

WRIGHT
Select whatever social miscreant you so desire to play the role of mediator. But be warned, that it shan't make a lick of difference. The outcome will forever remain an intellectual slaughter on the scale of my physical decimation of Zack Malibu at Zero Hour.

(Christian takes his leave and we go BACK TO SC)

COACH
Christian Wright it not only a proud warrior but as we can see he's a fine scholar as well! Such a man, such a man. And ladies he's single!

Edited February 24, 2006 by Patty O'Green