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[Guest]

OSAKA PRO BATTLESTATION (1/30/2002)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

TSUBASA/BLACK BUFFALO/FRANCOISE vs. TAKEHIRO MURAHAMA/TAKASHI TACHIBANA

They have this skinny valet accompanying Black Buffalo and her name is Francoise. Sure, she sure has big boobies but the lack of junk in the trunk isn't gonna make you forget true Summoners Of The Spurt Induction Hour: KAORU and RIOT (I found my old WOW tapes looking for an old Simpsons episode).  The biggest mystery to me is that I can't figure out how Black Buffalo got so good- because he was quite the Guy In The Main Event Because He Owned The Promotion when wrestling in the bowels of shitty Japanese Indie heavyweight wrestling -  IWA Japan.  I think the mask has taken over his soul and tells him how to be cool - SORT OF LIKE THE CHIP IN THE BASE OF MY SKULL FORCES ME TO MASTURBATE!!!  Or it could also be that Murahama is a thousand times better than Kishin Kawabata and Viking Taniguchi, so maybe he has adapted to the quality of his opponent.  His partner- Tsubasa looks real good on this tape- as he and Black Buffalo look ACTUALLY HEEL-LIKE versus Pocket Shooter Murahama and Budding Future Shunme Matsuzaki - young Takashi Tachibana.  Tsubasa is all nifty but also dicklike in a nice transition from bland technico to effective rudo. Black Buffalo sells really well and all of his offense looks big and powerful.  Francoise is surely missing a hinder and all - but she has these really big milk wagons to accompany the look of being a keyboard player in a J-Pop band, so Tachibana selling her offense probably had more to do with a young man getting to touch her boobies briefly than some selfless act of getting her over as some kind of threat. Tachibana sells the toprope headscissors to set-up a giant lariat by Black Buffalo.  Tachibana almost has the Tommy Dreamer/Beaulah '96 moment when he spears the fudge out of Buffalo and shoulderblocks Tsubasa off the apron - facilitating the comically neato BUTT bump off the apron by Tsubz.  He has Francoise in the corner and grabs her hair - but since this isn't shithead Japanese version of ECW idiot mutant shitheads at ringside who would want nothing less full bukkake humiliation before the death valley bomb though the five burning tables, Francoise does the full effect Fuerza uppercut to the lil Tachibanas to set up the Black Buffalo Driver.  This is a fun little heel stable.

 

EBESSAN vs. KUSHINBO KAMEN

Then it's CLOWN versus CLOWN for the Emmitt Kelly Memorial belt or something - as Kushinbo Kamen with the big glasses and giant head takes on Ebessan with the big ears, moustache and giant head.  They do the Kendo Comedy Stall to start off as they gauge who in the crowd loves which clown most.  I like Kushinbo Kamen because Akinori Tsukioka will dive off balconies into a pile of chairs when not in clown gimmick.  Ebbessan is a fine straight wresler in his own right as Kikuzawa but come on - balconies, chairs, the relief of not having to do it anymore because you can get over wearing really big glasses on your mask in a quasioffensive Chinese stereotype gimmick. Here, there are lotsa comedy spots that are lost on my mid-30s loss of merriment and wonder so I cruise through the match until Kamen does the Asai Moonsault and the Quebrada.  Then it becomes perfectly acceptable indie puroresu. Ebessan does the nice Powerdriver on the way to being a fine rudo to the high-flying technicosity of Kushinbo Kamen. The triple foule spot where even the ref's lil fellas get busted up is the innovation that we need in our own comedy matches here in the States. It's the comedy match version of TRIPLE JUICE~! Clowns winning with a picture perfect Skytwister Press says to me "WELCOME TO OSAKA, MOTHERFUCKER."  Postmatch, Kushinbo Kamen is gracious in victory and there is the clown version of the Indie Hug.

 

TIGER'S MASK/SHUWA vs. SUPER DEMEKIN/KENGO TAKAI

I love Tiger's Mask - as he is quite the TM4 Lite. He's all fun and peppy and stuff- as all his high-flying looks super sharp.  He's got a Baseball-Player-As-Tiger Mask gimmick and the WIND UP GOING INTO THE STRETCH FOR THE KNIFE-EDGE CHOP IS TO DIE FOR!   The baseball slide into the face speaks for itself in the effective use of gimmick in offense. Super Demekin is the most underrated of these guys - as his Ultimo Guererro knock-off looks are matched by his cool use of athleticism to both fly and have a burly offense. Kengo is pudging out.  But aren't we all.  He is fine as a rudo taking the Shuwa's headscissors.  Shuwa is in need of a goofy Osaka Pro gimmick. Demekin's Frog Splash is fabulous.  This match was a really fun example of the lucharesu that MP useta bring every time out. It is clipped all to fuck for my and your immense irritation.

 

AZUMI HYUGA vs. POLICEWOMAN

Azumi Hyuga stars in some highlights versus Policewoman - as the JWP title is being defended here. If they showed the whole match, I'm thinking that I could figure out who Policewoman is.  Whoever she is, she takes the Locomotion German Suplexes with verve. Azumi is wearing the Gloria Gaynor "I Will Survive" Commemorative shiny disco pants with shiny lighting bolt loincloth to add to your pathetic self-love pleasure.  It may have been complete pants in the beginning but everything got clipped in this match. Azumi wins and they rush to highlights of DAIO QUALLT~!

 

AZTECA/MIRACLE MAN vs. M-G-MA/DAIO QUALLT

Azteca and Miracle Man are quite the indie version of the Ding Dongs so it is pretty funny that they go like 90 minutes with QUALLLT~! and  BIG BOSS M-G-M~!  BBMGM has lava-based mask and he looks like HE could have possibly been Giant Watermelon Head in Zipang. QUALLLLT has the "Edward Scissorhand's normal-handed younger brother" look going for him that all the Osaka Goth girls dig, so who can argue.  Azteca and Miracle Man have the Worst Belts In The History Of Shitty Belts and have the fabulously  MOTHERFUCKING GREAT half masks!  It's like Barney Fife and Screech teamed up and tried to look like the Fusion Luganeros.  No, it's like if Cruel Connection #1 and Thunderfoot #2 started tagging together and wanted to show their unity by sewing their masks together. Miracle Man has the roll of pudge that says, "I drive a forklift during the week and hardly have time for Linda and dogs, so I don't get to work out as much I would want to".  Miracle Man is an existential figure. An existential figure that assumes the roll of Ricky Morton in this Conquistadores-get-an-odd-push-replacing-the-Rock-and-Roll-Express-versus-the-Mod-Squad-le

 

vel match.  Azteca is kinda like Bullet Bob Armstrong TODAY.  I await the Big Boss M-G-M vs Azteca mascara-countra-mascara KARATE CHALLENGE! But Fuck the police, Azteca does the swank and sloppy fat ass tope that  says, "You can all suck my double-half masked dick!"  Miracle Man does the Worst Sunset Flip Off the Top Turnbucle Ever- but then saves his own bacon  with the Super Indie Scum Shiryu Tope as the pudge goes a flyin'.  BBMGM  takes a fabulous bump to set up the Endless Stream Of Shitty Indie Offense by MM and Azteca- complete with Falcon Arrow for those who fondly remember  1997 when it was new and exciting. QUALLLLLLT and BBMGM bring their own  brand of offense- including the BBMGM fatboy Mo-level Moonsault. They bend an unbreakable well-made Japanese table with Miracle Man's back so they  start beating the fudge out of Gramps Azteca.  It's Big Boss M-G-M with the  Dragon Suplex for the win and a part of Kageki Pro's illustrious history  dies as the Belts From The Trophy Shop Titles are lost to the rival Osaka  Pro promotion.  If you love really fun but really crappy Japanese indie wrestling- and sweet God allmighty you fucking know that I do- this is  exactly ONE BILLION STARS.

 

SUPER DELFIN vs. GAMMA

Delfin is ever the one for a flamboyant entrance. Gamma is Chono-ized in his demeanor and is... questionable in his ringstylings.  He gets the heelheat though and that's something. Gamma spits early and Delfin makes with the Bobby Eaton punches that will get him everywhere with me.  They fuck up a cross body block early but Delfin reels him in and goes all lucha- sending Gamma to the outside to get his shit together.  Gamma hits the Enzuiguiri for a transition to offense and they brawl on the overly pink stage area.  They make it back to the watermelon motiff ring where Gamma continues his punch-heavy barrage.  His stiff dropkick to the corner is nice but his knife-edge chops are sorely wanting.  Gamma does a really long wad of offense and finishes it with a ref bump to facilitate Gamma hanging Super Delfin over the toprope with a chain - as Tsubasa and Black Buffalo do the double dropkick on this erstwhile Dr. Tom Pritchard in Alabama.  Then they bust up Delfin's leg with chairs and it becomes the focus of the match. Gamma hits a myriad of leglocky, knee-bashing moves and does a good job of using the bad leg to cut off Delfin's comebacks. Delfin sells the wrenching of his spindly legs like a champ and gets the crowd to love him and hate Gamma. Gamma hits a bunch of lowgrade finishers on Delfin that are kicked out of, but Delfin finally gets a comeback with a counter roll-up and gets the flashpin with a German into a Tioger Suplex.  I really hated this match the first time I watched it a few months ago during the last beloved DVDVR 500 period, but I appreciate both Delfin's selling carrying the match and Gamma being an effective heel far more the second time around- though Gamma's horrendous selling will never get him too high on my list. This wasn't a great match- but it's a good, smart batch of Professional Wrestling. Delfin is fucking great.

 

I wish the Tiger's Mask match wasn't clipped but you want this here tape.

 

~!~

 

NEW JAPAN/ALL JAPAN/WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION WRESTLING SUMMIT (4/13/1990) - PART ONE

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

A fella on the Smarks board was asking if this was any good and it was then that I realized that I had this tape.  I then realized that I've had this tape for five years now.  I THEN realized that I've had this tape for five years and have never watched it.  My! what a great excuse to watch a tape I would never watch for any other reason.  My matchlist is even completely fucked because this tape doesn't actually have half the undercard on it- including Tiger Mask vs Bret Hart.

 

JUMBO TSURUTA/HAKU vs. CURT HENNIG/RICK MARTEL

The first thing on it is Curt Hennig and Rick Martel- during the Model era- taking on the immortal and profoundly great Jumbo Tsuruta who is tagging with a very spry -n- highflying Haku.   Haku is fun- making with the dropkicks and the senton.  Henning sells everything all weird like he always has- doing a 360 somersault sell of a double shoulderblock.  Jumbo is in Don't Kill The Unsuspecting Americans mode- which is weird because Henning I could see not being overly acquainted with the Japanese style, but Martel has pretty long history in Japan, I thought.  Martel is all hyper-workrate in this, hitting the elbows and the hiptosses into the supercool standing hurricanrana all at a feverish pace. He goes for it again and Haku drops him face first into the turnbuckle but Henning cuts him off- as this is basically a heat segment on Haku to set up the big pop for Tsuruta getting in.  And they pop like freaks as Tsuruta does the All-American house on fire on Henning and Martel- with full body slams, high back body drops and crazy "I'm So Mad I'm Pulling My Hair" thingy that all Faces Afire do. Haku sends Henning over the top rope with a nasty looking superkick and Jumbo crushes young Martel with a high Knee and a Dangerous Backdrop.  This was fun.  Very peppy, very spritely.  And they show ten replays of the backdrop- including the over head view and it looks pretty fucking nasty from any  angle.

 

GENICHIRO TENRYU vs. RANDY SAVAGE

God, Randy Savage was 37 when this happened. He is with the Hot In The Aught Two Sherry Martel and he is wrestling the eternal angry angry prick, Genichiro Tenryu so this SHOULD be really great.  Tenryu has the REVOLUTION- LIVE FOR TODAY jacket on and I'm torqued. Macho Man was fucking great by this point and Tenryu is great still today.  Sherry looks hot in a "freaky chick who listened to a lot of Prince in 1990" kinda way- what with  the tight perm mullet and paisley make-up motiff.  Savage is awesome getting the crowd riled up by doing a full Memphis stall after feeling the brunt of Tenryu raising the stiffness level. Tenryu FREAKS OUT and starts beating the shit out of Savage and the crowd explodes as Tenryu is completely fired up.  Tenryu wrestled all over the South in his youth so he knows how to be distracted by Sherry Martel on the apron and allow the heel to get on offense. Savage punches him in the face a few times but Tenryu cuts him off and FUCKING DESTROYS Savage with a lariat. Savage gets a quick kick in before taking the gigantic bump over the toprope straight onto his back on the floor.  Tenryu hits a crossbody off the apron and I'm beginning to wonder why Savage didn't wrestle in Japan more. This fucking rules.  Sherry distracts Tenryu and Savage goes all Memphis on him, slamming his head against the announcers table.  Savage drags Tenryu into the ring and starts his pre-Big Elbow Ritual but Tenryu enzuguiri's back to offense until Savage hits a nice clothesline to transition back to Big O. Then he slaps the ref around before a two-count.  Savage hits another really nice lariat and Savage starts stomping on Tenryu's head under the ropes.  Savage reminds us why he was one of the coolest wrestlers to ever wrestle by hitting the SUPER FATASS Top Turnbuckle double axe-handle to the floor and Tenryu sells it like he has been hit by a Peterbilt haulin' hogs.  Savage crushes him with a DiBiase-level Elbow Smash and I am freaking out.  Savage stays in Memphis mode and kicks him in the head and punches him in the face on the wrong side of the guardrail.  Savage hits a toprope Double Axe-handle and signals that it's time for the Big Elbow- and he crushes him with it for two.  Tenryu counters a toprope crossbody and tries for the Powerbomb but Savage powers out.  Savage hits a fabulous Steamboat Cross Body Block- but Savage comes up holding his knee. This gives Tenryu time to hit an Enzuguiri and kill Savage with a Stuff Powerbomb. Savage fucking RULED.  Tenryu fucking ruled.  This match was fucking great.

 

ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. TED DIBIASE

Ultimate Warrior is arguably the worst wrestler of his generation. Ted DiBiase is arguably the best wrestler of his generation.  Which way will it go?  Warrior has the WWF title and is in full-on roid rage, scaring the little announcer guy trapped in the green room with him. DiBiase has the Million Dollar Belt on.  He should have left it on the plane because he's got enough to carry already.  The Japanese crowd freaks out for Warrior and Ted jumps him from behind, hitting him with the belt.  Ted bumps big for Hellwig, making his lariat look good as he flies over the toprope.  They do the "Warrior is Strong" spots and then the "Punches No Hurt Warrior" spots.  Then Ted eats a shoulder after a really long batch of roperunning by both.  Then Ted shoves Warrior on the ground after a Hawk Shoulder Tackle attempt.  Ted then tries to slow it down because Warrior has the cardio of a manatee and is about to die in the ring like everybody else who ever wrestled in World Class. Luckily, this section rules it because Ted hits his fucking awesome Fistdrop to set up his fucking awesome vertical suplex.  Ted hits a Piledriver for two and that seems to nonsensically reenergize Warrior who hits all these lariats and a big splash for the win.  The Warrior really sucked but this the second best match I've ever seen him in.*   Think of it as Ric Flair versus Lex Luger in 1990 and try to think of Luger sucking as much as Warrior.  Actually, don't put yourself through that.  We've already thought about the ring stylings of Jim Hellwig enough today.

 

DEMOLITION vs. GIANT BABA/ANDRE THE GIANT

Demolition take on Shohei Baba and Andre the Giant and I can't imagine how horrendous this will be.  Smash flails around from the amazing brunt of Baba's comical offense and that's funny.  I will now pepper this with lies to make it funnier.  Pick them out.  Maybe you will win a prize.  (That was your first "TEST" lie.) Andre DOES A MOONSAULT!  Axe chokes Andre a while and then they both beat on Baba awhile.  Baba kisses his anchor tattoo and wriggles out of a headlock.  Axe rips out Andre's hairweave.  Andre- enraged- rips out Axe's hairweave and EATS IT!  Baba and Andre dance like Rerun from WHAT'S HAPP'NIN! before hitting picture perfect stereo dropkicks on Axe and Smash. Enraged, Axe and Smash both attempt to do the Robot, but Baba and Andre- hairless and angry- procure stereo clawholds and it's all over!  Million Jillion Stars.  (Answers at the bottom of page: Andre did a MOONPIE- in the hotel. Reports are that it was very disturbing.  Baba's tatto is actually the Tasmanian Devil penetrating the Roadrunner with the words "Take THAT bitch" in Gothic letters underneath.  They were hair EXTENSIONS.  Axe and Smash did

their famous "Ode To Breakin' 2- Electric Bugaloo"  dance number with personalized graffittied breaking boards from Alfonso.)

 

HULK HOGAN vs. STAN HANSEN

Hulk Hogan vs. Stan Hansen:  Hogan and Stan take it to the mat.  Stan Hansen doesn't go to the mat with ANYONE so i'm already baffled.  This match is weird.  Hogan keeps taking him to the mat to control Hansen's brawling skills.  Hogan also works superstiff in this to counter Hansen who will beat the fuck out of ANYONE.  Especially to look good in Japan.  Hansen gets posted and Hogan starts working on the spots that's bleeding.   Hogan hits the Old School Back Suplex and I'm loving this match.  Hansen ecapes an Abdominal Stretch but Hogan is digging the fact that you can hit Hansen as hard as you want and he won't even flinch.  Hogan bodyslams a fucking SPEWING BLOOD Hansen through a table at ringside and then posts him again and this match is truly hardcore.  Hogan drags him into the ring and gets a two count and hits a lariat in the corner.  I've never seen Hansen sell this much or seen Hogan work this stiff.  Hansen throws a Stan Hansen-level shoulderblock and decides to beat the shit out of Hogan on the outside and it is a pretty great assbeating as Hansen is fucking crazy- sprawling over tables and chairs to axe-handle Hogan.  Hogan hits a fucking gusher and I'm thinking that Hogan would have been right at home in All Japan in 1979- because this match is quite reminiscent of the All Japan 70s bloodbaths that I've seen.  Stan crushes Hogan's larynyx with his shin and gears up to kill Hogan with a Lariat but Hogan counters with a flying forearm.  Hansen avoids the Legdrop but eats a Crossbody Block by Hogan. Hansen eats a Big Boot and then Hogan hits the best Lariat he has ever unleashed and gets the pin.  Yeah, Hogan could work when he had too.  He was actually a load of fun in Japan.

 

This and the Tenryu match are really good.  The rest you could live w.. HEY! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?  The undercard is after the uppercard on this tape.

 

* There is this REALLY weirdly good match between he and Ulf Herman  in 1995 in germany that you would have to see to believe.  Really.)

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

DEAN,  does your "NEW JAPAN/ALL JAPAN/WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION WRESTLING SUMMIT (4/13/1990) " from an All Japan Classics tape which has a spivey/hansen vs. gordy/williams and Jumbo vs. Tenryu on it?  If so, will that be on part deux?

[Guest]

DEAN,  does your "NEW JAPAN/ALL JAPAN/WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION WRESTLING SUMMIT (4/13/1990) " from an All Japan Classics tape which has a spivey/hansen vs. gordy/williams and Jumbo vs. Tenryu on it?  If so, will that be on part deux?

Part tow, which come out possibly TOMORROW in DVDVR 137 has the following:

Tito Santana/ Jimmy Snuka vs. Kenta Kobashi/ Masa Fuchi; Greg Valentine vs. Great Kabuki ; Bret Hart vs. Tiger Mask ;

Jake Roberts vs. Big Boss Man .

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Is there going to be a comment on Valentines Roxette music and kobashi/fuchi's 'danger zone' ??

[Guest]

Is there going to be a comment on Valentines Roxette music and kobashi/fuchi's 'danger zone' ??

Who could be sure?

 

DEAN.

[Guest shlidgn90]

could you do for me on your next review. stop jumping to review different shows. it is annoying as hell to read.