SJL Crimson comments, June 1st

[Guest Insane Clown Dan]

I will edit in comments later... i have too big a headache to think right now.

 

Also, Sydney has eternally gained my respect. She has a busy schedule and got her match done in less time. I had a lot of free time, and nothing really came of it. Sydney, you deserve everything that you get here. I dont deserve shiznat.

 

Edit: Flexxx, I moved your match over to Ced's losing matches thread, so that people could just comment on the show here, and on those matches there.  Word, homey.

[Guest midnight_burn]

Quite alot of default win's on this show.

 

That was Frost's match was it? Genius stuff from everyone's favourite Icelandic monster, the most whimsical jig of the season.

[Guest 5_moves_of_doom]

Good show....though I haven't read the whole show. Good twist in the Z match, and a great match by Williams. Comments on my match are welcome, as I tired getting rid of all of the commentary banter that I'm known for, and when it was all done, it ended up being that the funny stuff was cut out while the sucky stuff was left in.

[Guest Coffin Surfer]

Ugh, my match was brutally terriable.  Its a shame Ced's pm got cut off, cause he would have had a sure win.  I just was not feeling the submission match at all.  The only thing I could come up with was a good ending, the rest was complete shit.  I also drew a complete blank on the commentary this time.  I also had zero arena atmosphere.   I'am sure 50% of Ced's match is better than all 100% of mine.

[Guest Suicide King]

Here's news for you kids.  That was Frost's match.  Yes, Frost jobbed and out-sillied the master himslef.  and it was damned close too!!!

[Guest Renegade]

LDP, i trust Jl'er of the week will be posted today.

 

 

good, show....but too many defaults!

[Guest Sydney_Sky]

Oh, man.. that was a great show. Frost, that was hilarious! ;P I was rollin' when I read it. Genius! I knew there was a reason I would be doing storylines with you. You rock.

 

Great show everyone!

[Guest]

I liked the Syd promo written by Frost as it made the show actually seem live. Having a change of pace from the normal opening was an excellent idea. And by normal I mean my curtain jerking matches that by the grace of god beat my opponents.

 

Fugue gets the job done against Cutthroat smiling all the way. He's a grinning grinch from Philly that comes to play

 

Did I mention I like his style...

 

I got a big time ladder match coming up after a brief rest and not as much time as I want to brainstorm. Ladder's can bring about s ome of the coolest spots ever, even if your not a high flying Lucha libre ladder expert like say Mags or Erek Taylor. Well, the least I can do is improve my commentary or else there's no way I'm getting the win.

 

Tod wins again and is the third hottest writer after only Frost and Syd. Doing great after coming back from a short break from action. And whats with stalking Syd?

 

After reading Ced's match I don't know which to pick. I won't say either writer should have won but I can say that two peop le with different writing styles put up two of the evenist matches I've seen.

 

I wasn't sure if it was Frost's match but it looked like his writing style. And Z got King as his partner. I mark for Z even more now. But still not as much as I mark for Frosty, who m ay I say is doing a great job at putting others over and not killing his own heat.

 

Syd wrote a great match. She's a teary eyed, hormones blazen, star-crossed loverin', riot grrl, that wrote a great sequence involving Frost. I really liked it be cause it talked about bouncing... :blush:

 

Tell me I didn't type that out loud. Wait how do you type something out loud. Now everyone's staring.

 

Here's whispers

 

God I'm an ass for still stealing Fleshers gimmick. Hope he doesn't read this. Anyways and the sequence didn't win her the match. I love clean finishes after cheatery. It makes the match seem special because everybody writes finishes with cheating ending a match. Another great shake up from the Frost/Sydney Sky angle.

 

PS Z's promo's were unbelievably great. I had no idea Sui cide King was your mystery partner. Were there any clues in the promo's that I missed. And what is Tod deKindes roll in the Frost/Syd angle. All this is very interesting.

 

Edit: I guess I skipped the last promo and now that i read it don't i look like a moron

[Guest realitycheck]

Blarg @ losing. (Y) @ knowing it was close. Indifference at winning, but not really winning, you know? Funny match, Frost, BUT THIS ISN'T OVER! You think you can call yourself a comedy match master with just ONE win over me?! I don't think so! I demand a best of seven gimmick matches!

 

::Hears those whispers Tom hears::

 

...oh? Oh, I'm already booked for Metal?

 

::More whispers::

 

Oh, I see... Well, anyway, nice match, Frost. Methinks that the fact I had a tad too much talking at the beginning, and that you wrote King as a face and I didn't, may have worked into your victory. I'll post my match on Ced's losing match post if anyone wants to read it...

 

Now, otherwise, I say good show... from those who actually showed up. Tch, tch...

 

-Z

Who will comment more when his fingers unfreeze.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Well, having perused the show, I can say for certain: exciting stuff!  Frost/Syd is taking some interesting turns with Tod, and Z and Frost did a great job with promos and that handicap match.  Ced and Deathwish will get their chance to strut their stuff against each other in the Metal main event, and with the history now from the submission match, that's looking good.  I'm also excited about another solid new writer in Fugue, and the looming debuts of both Thor and CIA on Metal.  It looks like MVS is working on a character change-up too, and the TNT/Mak mini-program that's evolved has got me hyped up.

 

All in all, pretty solid stuff: no-shows are, as always, disappointing, but if you weren't aware of the occasional behind-the-scenes mishap, this would play like another great show.  Good work on getting fresh angles started and putting together some fine matches.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Here is my attempt to do another semi, sort of, kind of, in depth analysis of the show. Feel free to comment on my comments as I hope I’m helping someone out there with their writing and making them feel good to have feedback. Also let me state that I am peeved that there is now a Wrestling Deacon in the WWE.  Although Bautista does look like a mean ass dude.

 

Opening promo

-Answering the question left from Metal: will Syd return Frost’s love.  No, is the short answer and this just gets the ball rolling on what we hope will be an epic and engrossing storyline. Also be sure to note Tod deKindes’ brief cameo at the end.

 

Fugue vs. Cutthroat

-I loved the recap of the Metal main event to start, although there was no way you would know that we were doing an opening promo to cover what happened. That’s one thing that always bugs me is that there is no real way to coordinate the show between everyone and you get little anomalies like that throughout the show. The writing in past tense felt odd to me, but maybe that’s because most everyone else writes in present tense. You can do more with the commentator’s parts, but I like how you actually use them to comment on the match and call moves, not just for comic relief (something that befalls a lot of writers here, myself included).  Writing the commentator’s speak in story form (Axis said, Edwin cried) got a little repetitive and broke up your flow, I would try writing their parts like a screenplay (name: dialogue) which I finds works best, but do what you will.   Nice clear descriptions of the narrative action and your transitions are nice.  The character bits with Fugue were intriguing and I’m interested to see how you build on them, yet I think the beating up of Claire was uncalled for and just a little too unsettling for your first match.  You could have gave Cutthroat more offense (even though he is a jobber). Solid first effort, a little more experience and you’re be skipping up the card.  

 

Z promo

-Set up for the upcoming match.  It’s Z, so you know it’s good.

 

Francis promo

-A little long, but nice setup for the upcoming match. I like Kinkel a lot, especially since he does most of the talking like an old school manager should.  He’s got some Heenan in him for sure.

 

Thompson vs. Francis

-The first paragraph had me rolling; your humor is always sharp and riotous, one of your best features.  I felt the brief interview with TNT was unwarranted (especially after Taylor goes from backstage to emerge out of the crowd) and didn’t say much, just filled time.  Putting Tyler at the commentator’s table was interesting and made a nice center for the commentary to revolve around.  Nice selling and psychology on the leg injury and good use of the no dq rule for solid prop spots, even though this was technically not a hardcore match.  Just as a personal note, the sucking up to the marker annoys me, although I think you do it in a mocking fashion, which is ok (of course if I ever become a marker, suck up all you want)

 

After match promo

-Nice idea to make it a ladder match and to put Francis’ gold medal on the line to heighten the tension. Logical booking says Mak goes over.

 

Z promo 2

-I love the idea of having a backstage storyline that slinks through the whole show, sort of ties things together and makes it seem more planned and more like a real wrestling program. I love deKindes, but sometimes I have to question that boy’s sanity.

 

Tod vs. IL vs. Poisyn

-I loved the line about Hardy having 7 kids.  What else is there to say? Tod is week in and week out one of the best writers on here. You name the writing element and he does it well. I’m thrilled to be working with him.

 

Tupper vs. MVS

-I assume this is MVS’s match, but not sure.  Good idea to fill in the back story as it added a lot to the match.  "It’s hard to believe that someone who was so hated just a few months ago can get an ovation like this from these fans!": that one line sets up the later heel turn, excellent and subtle.  You might have overplayed the fans love for MVS a little, but I know he’s supposed to be a charismatic guy.  No play up of Tupper attacking the ref from last week though, which leaves me still wondering on that and his leaving MVS in the ring with the chair and sledgehammer has me totally confused.  I assume a complex storyline is being built up though and again can’t wait to see where it goes.

 

Z promo 3

-The final setup and nice payoff from the other two segments.  

 

Williams vs. Ced

-I’m really sorry that Ced’s match got cut off and I have to read his match later when I have time. As usual I want to give all the encouragement I can to Danny.  I think he is a majorly unappreciated talent here and one of the best at just constructing a match in a unique and engaging style.  Props on continuing to sell the ankle and bringing back spots from the last match between Danny and MVS.  Lesser guys would be just like “well, I changed my mind on retiring, so forget that ankle bit.”  I also like Axis going full blown Gordon Solie to explain all the holds and psychology.  I always picture Axis to be equal parts Solie and Gorilla Monsoon.            

 

Z &? Vs. Frost

-Props to TNT guessing that I would job myself.  With Z having a mystery partner, who turns out to be King, in a comedy match I couldn’t think of any reasonable booking to allow Frost to win.  I’m all about the storylines and logical booking, so I have no problem with jobbing myself when appropriate. I’m glad everyone seemed to enjoy the match and it made for a nice change of pace for me outside of Frost’s usual monster heel persona.

 

Sydney Sky vs. Flex

-I can’t say anything bad about my girl.  It’s great to see her put on an excellent match to demonstrate her writing and wrestling skills to solidify her place as the World Champ.  If I didn’t have faith in Syd and wanted to work with her so much, because I know the quality she produces, I would have never thought of the storyline we’re embarking on.  However, I have to complain on the coffee spot.  You work a friggin’ coffee spot in, Ms. Russo I, of course, did not mind my involvement and I think it was a good move on your part to not have his interference get the win and the kiss naturally made my day.  Your asides add personality to your match, and while they do occasionally break the flow, I think they are intricate to your style and gives you a very distinct style.    

 

Only three wins were not by default and half of Ced’s match got cut off, so I’m not counting him.  Hopefully the new schedule will improve the no show ratio and heighten everyone’s individual involvement in the coming weeks.  All in all, I would say it was a non-descript transitional show that served mostly to build and develop new storylines and angles that are just barely getting off the ground now.  Nothing wrong with that as I see the next few weeks of shows building with intensity and classic contests.

 

Addition: Let me note that the opening promo was editied by Tod and that Syd wrote the first part up to where Frost made his entrance, then I wrote the rest and Tod tagged on the bit with him in the audience. Give credit where credit is due, but I'm glad it all came together like one person wrote it. And to Z, I've got some big stuff coming up in the coming weeks, but after that I would love to do a best of seven gimmicks match with you. I will however use the Memphis Eel and one match will be a tag match in an empty swimming pool where you have six Asian schoolgirls on your side and I have a wrestling bear.

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

Frost, bro, you greatly overestimate my complexity.  The brutal truth is that it was a joint match between Tupper and I, and the ending was horribly rushed because 1) while the match was sent so I could complete it, I was then forced outta the house for four hours and to avoid no-show had to finish it up in and hour, leading into 2), damn, it's hard to make shit not looked rushed in only an hour.  On the bright side, I am quite happy with the way the heel turn played out, and now it'd probably make sense for me to promo... which I will be.  Two pages of a very angry Mike Van Siclen will be a very interesting read, gents.

 

Crimson comments... well, I didn't read the show, actually, but I saw a bit of the Z/King promo.  Good stuff.

 

- Mike Van Siclen.

  Procrastination is a way of life.

[Guest]

Frost, I just want to say--THANK YOU. Here I was, biting my nails about how my first match went and what everyone thought, and you come along and give an in-depth analysis. You raise very good points. I really wondered whether, since mine was the first match, I was supposed to put in a recap of stuff...There should be a way to coordinate things like that--the easiest way, I think, would be just to have a marker write an "opening promo" segment which included a recap and the announcers and stuff going "Hi everyone and welcome to the Cock Arena". Then all the writers could just concentrate on writing matches that were just matches. That's just a suggestion, anyway...(hm, should this be in the 'prison' thread?) Anyway, I'll definitely consider your comments about my writing style. I'm trying to figure out how much of my own style I can get away with, without annoying everyone else. ;

[Guest Longdogger_Pete]

Historian's Notes

 

Sure there were some defaults, but there were some good matches as well.  "TNT" finally gets a deserved spot on the top 10, but the JLer of the Week award goes to Tod deKindes, who has really stepped up his efforts recently and is looking toward the main event scene with his involvement in the Frost/Sydney storyline.  Congratulations, Tod!

 

Rankings Top Ten

 

#1. Sydney Sky - SJL World Champion (45)

#2. Insane Luchador (30)

#3. Mafia (27)

#4. Flunkmasta Flexxx (26)

#5. Poisyn (25)

#6. Frost - SJL European Champion (23)

#7. Z (20)

#8. "Natural Born Killer" Josh Tupper (19)

#9. "TNT" Taylor Nicholas Thompson - SJL Television Champion (15)

#10. Kojack (13)

[Guest Tod deKindes]

WOOHAA, I'm gittin' a raise!!

 

Kidding.

 

I duly accept the award given unto me.

[Guest realitycheck]

I'll just chime in with something for Fugue, here...

 

First off, let me say that I love you for actually PARAGRAPH BREAKING when you write commentary in prose! It really irritates me when SOME (you know who you are) writers don't bother with that, and it can really hurt the match. Anyway, Frost covered most everything in detail, so I'll just chime in that you have fantastic play-by-play commentary, and I disagree with Frost and say that you should keep writing in prose style. It's easier to have commentators actually COMMENTATE that way, I feel. The banter wasn't all too great, but I don't doubt you'll get the handle of King and Edwin and their antics soon enough. Heh. Frost already said you have writing in detail down, but I'll repeat it, beause that's pretty important. The character is a nice deviation from the regular insanity around here, and I'll say you should hurry with getting a partner/running buddy/bitch/mentor or a feud, because I'd really like to see more of your character in promos. Anyway, a nice little debut match, and you've already got a mark for more than your moveset. Though I'd mark for you more if you changed your name to Largo.

 

Oh, and just so it doesn't go un-noticed, the past tense annoyed the holy fuck out of me. Change it, or I'll have a certian big, black, former SWF World champ magically healed and out of retirement to eat you. 'Cause he's big. And you don't want that, trust me.

 

-Z

There you go, my VERBOSENESS~! for the day.

[Guest 5_moves_of_doom]

Fugue: Your match ruled (for a n00b match anyway,) but the past tense really hurt it. Also, yes indeed, we here in the SJL can always count on either Frost or Z to post some in-depth analysis on each and every part of the show. Hell, sometimes their comments are the only ones I ever read.