Ced's Lost match thread

[Guest CED Ordonez]

The power was out until midnight Friday night, so I spent most of the night writing my match. I got up late and busted my ass trying to finish. Finally, I sent in the match around 16:30 BT (a bit late, given) and I had to jet and fill my appointments. Now it's about 3:39 BT and I just got word you guys didn't get my full match. Please understand when I say "FUCK, I LOST?"

 

Anywho for those who were wondering, here's the lost Ced match, hopefully in it's entirety.

 

BTW, yes I'm a bit peeved, and nobody's ass will be safe on Metal. Thank you, drive thru.

 

-------------------

 

We reenter the Hillshire Farms Smoked Sausage Arena with the lights already dimmed and “B4U ~Glorious Style~” pumping through the sound system. The lights around the entranceway flash in rhythm to the bass, the crowd chants "Ced" in unison and the curtains are pulled back by the emerging Ced. He surveys the crowd and slaps the hands of fans while making his way down the ramp.

 

Axis: “Welcome back to SJL Crimson LIVE from Gladville, Tennessee! If you’re just joining us, you’ve missed some great action thus far, but you’re just in time for what promises to be a sensational submission match pitting “Deathwish” Danny Williams and XF9’s Ced Ordonez!”

 

Edwin: “Indeed, Axis. Indeed! Just a reminder that SJL Crimson, live from the Hillshire Farms Smoked Sausage Arena, is being brought to you tonight by Hillshire Farms Smoked Sausage. Hillshire Farms: No wonder we’re America’s Favorite!™”

 

King: “Well, that’s just advertising overkill. Edwin, why don’t you geHOLY CRAP! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ON YOUR HEAD?!?”

 

Edwin: “Why it’s a Hillshire Farms Smoked Sausage hat, made from real Hillshire Farms Smoked Sausage! Here! (tilts his head towards Suicide King) Take a bite. It’s tasty!”

 

King (disgusted): “You have two seconds to get your head away from me…”

 

While Edwin and King quarrel as expected, Ced stops and poses as black, blue and silver streamers are thrown from the crowd. After the streamers subside, he dashes and slides into the ring, posing once more for the crowd before warming up for the match in his corner.

 

His music dies down and is replaced the grinding grooves of Dillinger Escape Plan’s “Calculating Infinity”. The SmarkTron simply reads “Deathwish” in white letters before displaying highlights of Danny’s matches from New Japan and the independent scene. Danny comes out onto the platform, looking around and nodding his head to a respectful applause from the crowd. He slowly walks to the ring with a focused, no-nonsense look on his face. He gets in the ring and warms up in the corner opposite of Ced.

 

Axis: “’Deathwish’ had a somewhat shocking victory over Mike Van Siclen on Metal, defeating him by submission despite a bum ankle.”

 

Edwin: “But now he has to face Ced Ordonez of X Force Nine, who returned in grand fashion to the SJL on Metal, teaming with his running buddy Z to defeat Cutthroat and Kojack. Williams has his work cut out for him as Ced has a leg crippling offense, which does not bode well for ‘Deathwish’. At the same time, you absolutely cannot count out Danny Williams, who even with the bad ankle still defeated a high-caliber opponent in Mike Van Siclen. King, your thoughts?”

 

King: “Don’t you know your head’s gonna stink after you take that thing off? It doesn’t even look fully cooked!”

 

Edwin: “I thought you loooooooooved the sausage?”

 

Axis: “Uhhh…no comment. Well, Funyon’s ready, so let’s get to the action!”

 

Funyon: “Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a SUBMISSION MATCH and it is scheduled for one fall. In charge of this bout will be referee Kyohei Wada. Introducing first, to my right, hailing from Sacramento, California and weighing in tonight at 210 pounds. Representing X Force Nine, CED OOOORDOOOONEZ!”

 

The crowd cheers as Ced steps forward and gives a quick bow. Kyohei begins to check his attire while Funyon continues.

 

Funyon: “And to my left, his opponent, hailing from Louisville, Kentucky and weighing in at 238 pounds. He is a former Smarks Junior League European Champion and is an undeniably tough sumbitch! Please welcome, ‘DEATHWISH’ DANNYYYYYY WIIIIILLLLIIIAAAAAAAMS!”

 

The crowd pops huge for the fellow Southerner, who raises his hands to acknowledge the cheers as Kyohei checks his attire as well.

 

Axis: “Two undeniably loved SJL superstars about to go at it and this crowd is ready for a submission clinic!”

 

King: “Edwin’s going be in the clinic and maybe even in the coroner’s office if he DOESN’T TAKE OFF THE DAMN MEAT HELMET!”

 

Edwin simply mouths the words “Hillshire Farms” to Suicide King and gives him a big grin and a double thumbs up, causing King to rummage for something long, pointy, and possibly rusty. Meanwhile, Wada hops to the center of the ring, glances at both wrestlers, and calls for the bell.

 

DING! DING! DING!

 

Kyohei backs away as Ced and Danny begin circling clockwise in the center of the ring, Danny limping very noticeable as he moves laterally. They stop and begin feeling each other out mentally. The standoff ends with Ordonez shooting out a right roundhouse kick directed straight at the injured ankle of “Deathwish”. Williams curls his leg and hops back out of his boot’s range as Ced holds out his leg about the same position his ankle just was. Ced retracts his right leg, bounces a few times and begins to feint with leg strikes.

 

Williams cautiously holds his hands low as Ordonez looks for an opening. Suddenly, Ced jumps at Danny’s left leg and grabs a hold of it. He begins to pull it up with both arms, but Danny connects against Ced’s temple with a stiff elbow. It rocks Ced and he falls to the ground before pulling himself to the corner. An audible “Oooooooh!” is heard and is followed by applause as Williams stands tall and Ced sits on the second turnbuckle, regrouping his thoughts.

 

Edwin: “It’s Danny with the first attack of the match and a nice shot at that!”

 

Axis: “Ced knows about that ankle and he isn’t afraid to attack it, but he can’t underestimate the abilities Williams. Otherwise, he’s going to be in trouble really quickly.”

 

Ced shakes his head and gets to his feet and rejoins “Deathwish” in the center of the ring. They lock up and vie for the advantage. Williams gains the upperhand and gets Ced into a headlock and begins to apply pressure to the cranium of Ced. Ced pulls up looking for a backdrop suplex, but Danny puts his weight down. He tries again and this time manages to get him up in the air. “Deathwish” fights it and comes back down onto the mat, but he lands hard on his injured ankle. He winces in pain for a brief moment, allowing Ced to backdrop suplex him on the third attempt.

 

Edwin: “BACKDROPPAH~! BAAACKDROPPAH~!”

 

King: “Dear lord! The meat helmet is making him stupid!”

 

Ced rolls his shoulder off the canvas, but he pushes Williams off of him once he remembers pinfalls aren’t counted. Williams rolls onto his stomach and Ced springs right to his legs attempting to get a reverse crucifix kneebar on the left leg. Ordonez can’t get the leg straightened out as Williams kicks him with his right leg. Ced swats away the kicks as William muscles his way towards the ropes. Finally, Ced locks in the kneebar and gets “Deathwish” to yelp in pain, but Kyohei calls for Ced to release the hold as he directs hiss attention to Danny’s hands firmly clasped around the bottom rope.

 

A bit deterred, Ced lets go and heads for the center of the ring. Williams pulls himself with the aide of the ropes. He rubs his leg to ease the pain, but in the instant he takes his hand off the rope, Ced charges in a nails his left knee with a swift roundhouse kick! “Deathwish” keeps his balance with the help of the top rope, but it only allows Ced to get another shot to the knee then a hard kick to the injured ankle. Williams falls onto the mat and quickly rolls out of the ring to tend to his leg.

 

Ced begins to follow him out, but Kyohei stops him halfway through, and backs him away to the center of the ring. Kyohei then rolls out himself to ask Williams if he can continue the match. Despite feeling the pain, Danny confidently shakes his head.

 

Axis: “Ordonez, as expected, going after the injured ankle of ‘Deathwish’.”

 

King: “Danny Williams is definitely deserving of the nickname ‘Deathwish’. If a guy tried to break my ankle, I’d be limping out of there in a second.”

 

Edwin: “Oh, so big bad former World Champion would run like a pansy?”

 

King: “Being Suicide King, the former World Champion, I’d NEVER be in the position Williams is in at the moment.  But if I were ‘Deathwish’, I’d run home like the little bitch I would be if I were Williams. And this is the last time I’m asking you, take off the frickin’ hat, MacPhisto! You’re attracting flies now!”

 

Kyohei rolls back into the ring and begins to count Williams out while he tests the mettle of his ankle and Ced patiently watches his every move.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THREE!

 

FOUR! Williams props himself onto the apron and slowly rolls back into the ring to the crowd’s approval.

 

Danny gets to his feet and is welcomed back into the ring by a blue boot to the back of his left leg by Ced. Williams hobbles around for a bit before Ced grabs his leg and twists it with a Dragon Screw Legwhip. “Deathwish” tries to grasp his knee, but Ced pulls it out straight out and jumps up to deliver a double knee drop to Danny’s extended leg. Danny tries to roll away but Ced simply pins his injured ankle down and drills it with an abbreviated kneedrop.

 

Danny’s upper body falls to the mat as he tries to hide the pained look on his face with his hands. Ced begins pulling him to the center of the ring and keeps the left leg straight while he begins to bend Danny’s right leg. Ced gets his own legs into position and slaps on the reverse figure-four!

 

Edwin (screaming at the top of his lungs): “CROSS LIGHTNING~! (indecipherable screaming) CED ORDONEZ (more screaming) DANNY WILLIAMS! CROSS LIGHTNING~! (begins panting)

 

King: “Settle down, Edwin. Jeez, are the rotting sausage vapors getting to your head now?”

 

Kyohei kneels in front of a screaming Danny Williams as Ced clamps down on the Cross Lightning hold. Williams shakes his head violently and clenches his hands into fists, refusing to give it up.

 

Axis: “Cross Lightning applied on ‘Deathwish’ Danny Williams! Ced’s patented submission and it’s in the center in the ring! I really don’t know how much more of this Williams can take!”

 

Kyohei stays with Williams as he continues to refuse to submit to the devastating leglock. Williams clenches his teeth and summons his strength and pulls himself about six inches towards the ropes. Ced begins to test Danny’s threshold of pain even further as the crowd begins to rally behind Williams. The chant of  “DEATH-WISH! DEATH-WISH!” grows louder as he uses the crowd’s energy to pull himself closer to the bottom rope. Kyohei asks Williams again if he wants to submit, but he only hears the crowd chanting for him and only sees the bottom rope nearly in his grasp.

 

Axis: “Williams is so close. Can he?”

 

Ced begins screaming wildly as he tightens his grasp on Danny’s leg.

 

Axis: “Will he?”

 

Danny’s hand quivers ever so close to the ropes. The crowd holds their breath and…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

King (barely detectable on the mic): “Well I’ll be damned.”

 

…THE CROWD GOES BERSERK as Danny wraps his hand around the bottom rope! Kyohei looks astonished as well before yelling at Ced to release the hold. Kyohei warns Ced before giving him until the count of five to let go. Ced shakes his head in disbelief as he almost dejectedly lets go of the Cross Lightning and rises to his feet, completely flabbergasted.

 

Axis: “’Deathwish’ got to the ropes! Oh man, I don’t know what in the world is coursing through the veins of Danny Williams right now, but he just survived a very grueling Cross Lightning.”

 

King: “But now the question is ‘How much does he have left?’”

 

Ced pulls Danny to his feet and Ced reacquaints his leg to Danny’s knee with another keep, sending “Deathwish” hobbling into the corner. Ordonez follows him in and he uses his left hand to deliver a resounding knife-edge chop to the chest that echoes throughout the area. Another chop and Williams responses in kind with an elbow to Ced’s jaw. Two more chops by Ced and Danny returns fire with three elbows. Ced appears stunned as Williams tacks on another elbow shot.

 

Axis: “’Deathwish’ is fighting back! He’s got Ced in trouble! Ced is reeling!”

 

Ced begins backing away and Williams pelts him with some more elbows as the crowd rallies behind him, chanting “DEATH-WISH! DEATH-WISH!” Ced falters as he step back into the center of the ring. Williams keeps on him with the elbow smashes.

 

Edwin: “Elbow to jaw! Elbow to the temple! Elbow! Elbow! ELBOW! ELBOW! ELBOW! ELBOW! (excitedly screams incoherently before sounding exhausted)”

 

King: “Sausage Hat Man is blowing up halfway through the match. Best thing to happen all night!”

 

Williams measures a wobbly Ordonez up and begins to spin around on his right foot. He swings with all he’s got with the Rolling Elbow, but it hits air. Williams looks confused before looking downward only to see Ced skillfully dropkick him in the left ankle. Danny falls onto the mat writhing in pain as Ced rolls himself onto the apron to regain his bearings. Kyohei checks on “Deathwish” and tries to make a judgement call of whether or not he can continue.

 

Axis: “Ced again going for the ankle of Danny Williams. The ankle was already hurt to start the match and the Cross Lightning must had hurt his knee in, dare I say it, a bad way!”

 

King: “I’ll give the normally extra nice guy Ced Ordonez credit because he’s not being nice at all to Danny’s leg. He knows he has to get a submission to win this match, and he has been going after the entire left leg since the opening bell.”

 

Danny pulls himself into a corner and rests against the turnbuckles while Kyohei asks if he wants to continue.

 

King: “Give it up, son! Fight for another day!”

 

Danny clutches his knee, but adamantly signals to Wada that he wants to continue. Wada looks a bit distressed at his decision, but respects it nonetheless.

 

Axis: “I don’t know how much ‘Deathwish’ has left, but you have to give it to him for not letting the referee stop this match. If he’s going to give up, he’s going to give up on his own terms.”

 

Edwin: “And he’s a fool! At this rate, he won’t have a leg to stand on after this match.”

 

Ced rolls back in from the apron, shaking off the last cobweb brought on by the elbow assault. “Deathwish” uses the ropes to hoist himself back onto his feet and slowly drags his hurt leg behind him as he bravely goes to confront the XF9er. The crowd drowns out everything as the scream “DEATH-WISH! DEATH-WISH!”

 

Ced puts all the power he can into a right legged roundhouse kick aimed at Danny’s ankle, but Danny deftly dodges it. Ced spins around and gets clipped in the right leg by Williams! Ced begins to hobble around before getting clipped in the leg again and falling onto his stomach. The crowd explodes with cheers as “Deathwish” lifts Ced’s leg into the air and slams it knee first into the canvas. Ced rolls around, desperately trying to get to his feet.

 

Ced gets to the corner and Danny nails him with an elbow to the temple and Ced grabs a hold of Danny’s left leg looking for a Dragon Screw Legwhip. “Deathwish” refuses to let him have it and wraps his arms around him. Ordonez tries to shake Danny’s arms off but can’t as their battle begins to migrate to the center of the ring.

 

Ced, knowing that it is a stalemate, relinquishes his hold on Danny’s leg. Danny, on the other hand, suddenly slips his hands around Ced’s right leg and he Dragon Screw Legwhips it himself. Ced flies across the ring and rolls out to the outside to check on his knee as “Deathwish” fires up the crowd to even louder levels of cheering.

 

Axis: “And now Williams has Ced Ordonez on the run. He’s attacking the big weapon in Ced’s arsenal and taking out the effectiveness of those kicks!”

 

Edwin sits with his head down on the table, his incoherent screaming reduced to an inaudible moving of the lips.

 

King: “Thank God! Now I can finally remove this.”

 

Suicide King goes to remove Edwin’s sausage hat, only to have Edwin energetically spring up and beat him over the head with said hat.

 

King: “Dammit! That’s disgusting!”

 

Radical Edwin: “Disgusting! Distracting! Robustlyyyyyyy rampaging!”

Edwin gleefully beats Suicide over the head with his sausage hat as Kyohei counts to six. Ced gingerly walks up the steel step onto the apron and slowly steps back into the ring. “Deathwish” meets up with him and musters enough guts to dropkick him in the knee! Ced falls over, now clutching his right knee, but Williams does the same except tending to his entire left leg.

 

Axis: “Both men are down and approaching the same set of ropes. This has been a war and this crowd has been hot all throughout it!”

 

Ordonez and Williams begin pulling themselves up with the help of the ring ropes. They gradually meet each other and tie-up, actually cooperating to brace themselves and remain standing. Ced breaks the ice with a chop to the trapezius muscle of Williams, and “Deathwish” reintroduces himself with a stiff elbow to his cheekbone. Another chop and another elbow and Ced PUNCHES Williams in the mouth! The crowd gasps and Danny looks pissed and punches Ced as well! They begin wailing each other and the crowd completely feeds off the carnage.

 

Edwin: “PunchpunchPUNCH! PunchpunchPUNCH!”

 

Axis: “RIGHT HANDS! RIGHT HANDS! These guys are flat out punching each other, and these aren’t namby-pamby Rock slap punches either. These punches could cut to the bone!”

 

King: “I love this shit! Everything I said about these two, I take it all back…for now.”

 

Danny gives Ced another right cross as Ced’s tan skin is rapidly starting to bruise on the right side. Danny connects with two elbows into the bruised area of Ced’s face, and Ced is fed up and kicks Danny in the injured leg, dropping “Deathwish” to one knee. Ced winces as well before taking a quick hop back and somersaulting into an axe kick that finds the top of Danny’s head!

 

Edwin: “SIIIIILVEEEEER LIIIIINIIIIIIING~! AHHH~! AHHH~!”

 

Edwin collapses onto the commentary table.

 

Axis (concerned, yet not surprised by Edwin’s antics): “Uhh, can we get some help over here?”

 

Paramedics tend to the winded Edwin MacPhisto as Ced clutches his right leg from sacrificing it by using a Silver Lining. Meanwhile, Danny looks out cold as Kyohei tries to revive him. Ced stands up and uncharacteristically shoves Kyohei out of the way to get his hands on Williams. He methodically pulls Williams to the center of the ring and turns his back away from Williams to set up the Cross Lightning.

 

Ced appears near exhaustion as he lifts up Danny’s left leg. Suddenly, the leg slips out of his hands and curls around his feet as “Deathwish” uses his right leg to shove at Ced’s hurt knee. Ced begins to fall forward and trips over Danny’s leg as he crashes into the canvas. Williams wraps his leg’s around Ced’s right leg and locks in a reverse crucifix kneebar onto it. Ced screams are completely inaudible as the crowd is whipped up into a fanatical frenzy.

 

Axis: “OH MY GOD! Williams is going to do it again! I can’t hear Ced’s screams, but I can absolutely FEEL them and they don’t feel good!”

 

Kyohei jumps in front of Ced looking for the tap out. Ced goes crazy trying to get to the ropes as he starts inching closer to them. He makes it about an arm’s length to the ropes before his hand comes slamming towards the mat.

 

 

 

 

BUT IT DOESN’T HIT THE CANVAS! Ced stops just centimeters from tapping out and waves his hand defiantly at Wada. Ced is in tears as he grits his teeth and pulls himself into the ropes. The crowd amazingly maintains its earsplitting volume as Kyohei gets “Deathwish” to release the kneebar.

 

Axis: “Ced got to the ropes! Both men are giving it their all for this sold out crowd!”

 

King: “There’s no gold on the line, just damn pride! These two guys may not be the same after this match is over.”

 

The camera focuses on both men, very frustrated and nearly drained of all their energy. “Deathwish” is the first one up and begins to pick up Ced, but Ced gives him a knife-edge chop into the trapezius. Williams falters and Ced turns his back to him and wraps his arm around Danny’s head in an Acid Drop manner. He drags them both to the corner and Ced uses what little strength he has left to walk up the turnbuckles.

 

He gets to the top turnbuckle and does a complete backflip over Williams. He lands and uses the momentum to drive the back of Danny’s head into the mat. Ced immediately falls to the ground as well, clutching his right leg.

 

Edwin: “SHIRANUI! OH MY~!”

 

Wada checks on both men as they lie on the mat. Regretfully, he begins to count them out.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THREE! The crowd’s cheers turn into rabid boos and hisses.

 

Axis: “Oh c’mon! Not like this!”

 

FOUR!

 

FIVE!

 

SIX! Ordonez finally starts pulls himself up to his feet.

 

SEVEN! “Deathwish” starts to come around as Ced hobbles on his good leg towards him. Wada stops his count.

 

An exhausted Ced picks up Williams by the back of the neck and Williams nails him with a right elbow, albeit a much weaker one. Nonetheless, it staggers Ced and Williams fires off another one. “Deathwish” swings one more elbow, but Ced ducks it and the momentum swings Williams around. Ced catches him when his back is turned and bends Danny’s left leg. Ced picks him up and drives Danny’s injured knee into his left knee with a kneebreaker.

 

Ced still holds on and switches off, bending the right leg now. He hoists Williams up again, but instead releases “Deathwish” on the way down. It forces Williams to land on his left leg, but it can’t support any weight and he falls onto the mat. Ced drags him into the center of the ring once more and gets Danny’s legs in a reverse-figure four, the left leg being the straight leg.

 

Ced falls over to lock on the Cross Lightning and Kyohei gets into position, asking for the tap out. “Deathwish” shakes his head and Ced grabs a hold of Danny’s ankle and torques it toward the insole, applying pressure to it as well. With his leg completely in pain and no sign or ropes near him, Williams looks down at the mat and begins to slowly, nearly ashamedly, tap out. Kyohei sees it at calls for the bell.

 

DING! DING! DING!

Funyon: “Your winner by submission, CED OOORDOOOONEEEEEZ!”

 

“B4U ~Glorious Style~” blares through the speakers as Kyohei Wada raises the arm of the victorious Ced Ordonez, who lies on his back and looks glad the match is over. The crowd once again cheers the efforts of the two men, who gave everything they had for this one match.

 

Axis: “Ced Ordonez is the winner of this match and it was one of the most grueling submission matches we’ve seen in the SJL!”

 

The camera pans over to see “Deathwish” Danny Williams getting medical attention from the paramedics.

 

Axis: “And say what you will about Danny Williams, but don’t call him a quitter! Ced had to pull out all the stops in order to beat ‘Deathwish’ here tonight. Williams could have won this match, and had that ankle been at 100% his hand might have been raised in victory.”

 

Ced limps over to “Deathwish” and asks the paramedics to help him to his feet, as his music fades out. The crowd falls to a hush as the two SJLers stare at each other. Ced nods his head and offers a handshake. Williams looks at it for a second before taking the offer and shaking his hands. Ced raises both of their arms and the crowd applauds approvingly. Ced then rolls underneath the bottom rope to a waiting medic who helps him to the back as “B4U ~Glorious Style~” kicks in again.

 

Axis: “Great sportsmanship shown by the XF9er and I’m sure he knows what kind of war he was just in. This was an excellent match and we’re not even through yet! After the break, Frost takes on Z and his partner of choice! I know you’re not going anywhere, so stay right there and we’ll be back in a few!”

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Here's Flexxx's unfinished match.  I moved it over here so that it wouldn't slow down the comments thread if people just wanted to comment on the show.

 

Anyway... for anyone who wants to be cheaply amused, here is my unfinished match. I will explain more shit tomorrow, if i can.

 

 

-----

 

As the commercial for the new World Wildlife Fun Panda action figure (it bites, farts and blows – just like the WWE brand) comes to a close, the screen fades to black, and only seconds later does it transition back to the millions… OH… and the millions… of screaming, electrified, and adequately drunk SJL hardcore fans! The camera swerves through the crowd of signs, foam fingers and beer bottles!

 

Signs are spotted, such as :

 

“Cutthroat – official sponsor of the Mentally Challenged Boys and Girls Club.”

 

“Mike Van Siclen is NOT amazing! BUUURRRN!!!”

 

“Vinnie Mac LOVES getting anal from Pandas!”

 

And thus… whooooooosh! We are taken to the grandeur announce table! Where Edwin plays with strage-looking toys with switchblades and fuses in them, King simply plays with himself, and Axis plays the babysitter. It’s playtime, children! Muahahahaha…

 

Axis : “Welcome back, everybody, to another fine edition of SJL Crimson! Sydney Sky won the world title off of Ash on Metal! Frost only retained the Euro, but that Icelandic monster will NOT settle for 2nd best! He’s had his cold sights set on Sydney all night!”

 

King : “Oh yes, but tonight is the night that my favorite superstar AND man’s man will decimate that undeserving tramp Sydney!”

 

Edwin : “...Flexxx?”

 

King : “HELL YES!”

 

Edwin : “You’ve got to be kidding me. Flexxx is too goddamn drunk and sleazy to win a freakin’ title. The man has no class or style. OK, Axis, you have the sleeping pills?”

 

Axis : “Right in my pocket. Should we now?”

 

Edwin : “Yes, that’d be quite necessary.”

 

King : “NOOOOO!!! You disrespectful pricks! You have to call this match either way, because I can’t do commentary on my own! Besides... who made Ash hurt his own girlfriend Misty? Who was the last man to retire GoldenEye? Who reigned as the most dominant tag champion in the JL!?!?!? THA FLUNKMASTA!!!”

 

Edwin : “(sigh) OK, OK... Kingy has a point. And I wanna drool over Sydney anyway. But just remember, King, not only am I the JL commish now... I’m also the SWF CHAMP! LIKE YOU SAID I WOULD NEVER BE! HO HO HO, IN YOUR UGLY FACE! YOU TRAITOROUS SCUM!”

 

King : “Whatever. The Suicide King is still way cooler than you retarded Carnies.”

 

Edwin : “I’d argue with you here, but we’re wasting word space. So without further ado, FUNYON, take the miiiiiiiiiiiiic!!!!!!!!”

 

Throughout the smoke-fogged arena, millions of Cleveland fans are screaming at the top of their lungs, as WF Legend Funyon assumes usage of the microphone...

 

Funyon : “The scheduled match for tonight is a non-title singles match! And the competitors are...”

 

"Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve begins to play, and Sydney Sky appears on the stage with a serene smile on her face. It stays there for a moment while the crowd cheers. It disappears for a more determined look, as she narrows her eyes towards the ring. Along the sides of the stage, sparkling pyros of purple, blue and white go off. She heads down to the ring with a swagger, high-fives to various audience members along the way.

 

Funyon : “First-off, at 170 pounds and 5’ 11”, she is from Los Angeles, California, and your new SJL WORLD CHAMPION...............”

 

“...SYDNEY! SKYYYYYY!!!”

 

 

Sydney steps into the ring and waves her JL World Championship title in the air, towards the delighted crowd, and she keeps a relaxed but very determined face... Sydney is content with her life. And so is everybody else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Until the arena turns a midnight dark, and crimson-red strobelights pulsate on and off near the entrance. “Born as Ghosts" by Rage Against the Machine plays and a video of the Golden Gun maneuver flashes on the SmarkTron screen. Flexxx walks onto the ramp and does the Diamond Cutter taunt... then breaks his hands apart, signaling a huge yellow stream of pyro to fly into the ramp and explode three times!

 

***BOOM!!!***

***BOOM!!!***

***BOOM!!!***

 

From within the yellow smoke created by the explosions, Flexxx twirls around his kendo stick and calmly walks down the ring. Sydney poises herself in a readied position.

 

Funyon : “The second competitor, measuring at 239 pounds and 6’ 3”, he is from Rochester, New York…………….. THA FLUNK-MASTA FLEEEEEEEEXXX!!!!!”

 

The Lone Star Maverick climbs onto the apron, drops his kendo stick on the floor and spits outward, then he enters the ring. As Flexxx stands in the ring, taunting the beautiful Riot Grrl with crude gestures, Sydney holds her hand out in front of Flexxx’s face and simply says, “Eww, stay the <bleep> away from me!” and then Sydney mounts the turnbuckle to gain an even larger pop.

 

Flexxx : “ARGH! You goddamn slut! Nobody, not nobody, rejects me...”

 

Sydney then turns around again and holds her championship belt out in front of Flexxx, to anger the porn star even further. He paces around the ring impatiently with a temper tantrum, waiting for referee Sexton Hardcastle to start the match. Finally, Hardcastle calls for the bell...

 

 

 

 

“DING! DING! DING!”

 

As Sydney still stands on the turnbuckle, she lowers her arm down, to face her sleazy opponent... in the instance that Flexxx grabs her beautiful red hair and pulls on it tightly, forcing Sydney to screech at the top of her lungs! Acting upon his jealous rage, the Flunkmasta latches onto Sydney’s throat and locks in tightly with his fatal Tazzmission, a.k.a. “the Cry of the Depraved”. Sydney shakes her head about and desperately attempts to become free of Flexxx’s treacherous submission hold... and she grabs hold of Flexxx’s arm, tugs it away from her face, and sets her chompers right down into the porn star’s flesh!

 

Axis : “WOAH! Despite the porno man’s almost decimating her with that chokehold, Sydney just took a champion’s bite out of Flexxx!”

 

Edwin : “Hot damn... that woman’s showing she’ll do anything to put up a fight. Frisky!”

 

Flexxx screams in blood-curtling agony and holds his gushing arm, while muttering horrible curses about Sydney, but all is in vain, as Sydney smashes Flexxx in the face with a back elbow and sends him falling off of the turnbuckle. Sydney Sky swirls her red hair upwards as she positions herself on the top rope, whilst the Flunkmasta is stumbling around like a dizzied drunk. Seconds later, when Flexxx’s eyes meet Sydney’s eyes, the fiery fighter gracefully leaps off the top rope and lands on Flexxx’s shoulders. Sydney then spins to roll underneath Flexxx and knock his head into the mat with a Super Hurricanrana! The fans go apeshit!

 

Axis : “YES! Sydney comes off with an early, but strong offense! It looks like she may have Flexxx for the pinfall…”

 

Sydney keeps hold of Flexxx’s legs in the hurricanrana position…

 

“ONE!”

 

 

 

“TWO-kickout!”

 

No! Flexxx refuses to stay down! Sydney grabs hold of Flexxx’s dark dreadlocks and pulls him into a stand, to resume the grandeur smackdown. As Flexxx clumsily staggers up, Sydney swings a wide right punch! But Flexxx throws his arm in front of her fist and blocks it, following up with a hard right knuckle to Sydney’s face! She gets knocked down, and Flexxx holds her head down and lands a really sharp kick into Sydney’s underside. Flexxx then grabs hold of Sydney’s hair again and whips her body over his shoulder in a snapmare, to apply a tightly gripped sleeper hold on the femme fatale’s throat. As Sydney groans in pain and tries to squirm away, Flexxx snapmares her over his shoulder again. But this time… Flexxx sprints to the ropes and runs back with a knee-smash into the back of Sydney’s head!

 

Axis : “Ouch! A cerebral smash on Sydney!”

 

The Riot Grrl holds her aching head as she’s trying to get back up, and Flexxx aides her stepping up, with an Irish whip to the ropes! The raging porno man closely follows Sydney’s steps as she runs to the ropes, and Flexxx tries to catch her way off-guard with a Sweet Chin Music… but the resilient Sydney ducks underneath Flexxx’s leg! She runs to the other side and comes running back… and Flexxx lunges at Sydney, but misses her again! This time, Sydney stops at the ropes by leaping onto the highest rope and turning her body around, then nailing the Flunkmasta in the chest with a Springboard Dropkick! Knocking the pr0n-masta down on the mat, Sydney Sky crawls over on top of Flexxx’s body and starts to wildly punch Flexxx in the face with her fists. She then latches onto her opponent’s skull and thrashes it against the mat uncontrollably.

 

King : “Ugh… c’mon, Flexxx! Get the fucking hell up! All she did was bite your arm!”

 

Edwin : “I don’t mind this… as long as Sydney is on top of someone, it’s almost always a 5-star draw!”

 

As Flexxx tries to get up, Sydney runs to the ropes and comes back with an air-catching leg drop on top of the downed Flunkmasta’s chest! As Miss Sky’s two legs are laying directly on top of Flexxx’s arms, Sydney applies a stiff, bone-twisting Crucifix Armbar and keeps the hold applied, for as long as she can. However, the tough-as-the-grass-in-a-cow’s-shit Flexxx slowly gets his backside off of the mat, and Sydney starts to lose her tightened armbar grip. When Flexxx finally makes a stand, seconds later, he tugs both of Miss Sky’s silky arms forward and plants a sidekick into her bones… and her forearm bones collide with Flexxx’s boots with such a velocity that creates a loud SLAP! The violent sleaze goes absolutely crazy and starts up a mudhole-stomping rampage on Sydney!

 

King : “Damn brotha, tha Flunkmasta is going to town with Sydney!”

 

Edwin : “Can I go with her to a hotel?”

 

Axis : “The both of you need to get your hands out of your pants… really, PLEASE SHUT UP YOU HORNY BASTARDS.”

 

Still holding the two of Sydney’s arms, Flexxx lets one of his own hands go free, so he can flip Miss Sky the birdie and yell out loud… “Join me in hell, tramp!” and with that said, THUD! Flexxx lunges down towards Sydney with a rib-thrashing falling elbow! The pissed-off maverick rolls himself back up and thrusts his elbow outwards once again, for another falling elbow! As the sadly-overwhelmed new JL world champion pants and gasps for both air AND strength, Flexxx relentlessly continues the stomping, and stomping, and stomping… with each and every single loud thud echoing from the ring, the arena starts to tear up and jeer at Flexxx! Nevertheless, Flexxx then grabs Sydney’s beautiful face and backs up his sharp boot… and kicks her on the nose!

 

Axis : “OWW!!!!! Holy shit… that was completely uncalled for Flexxx to do! Look at how that goddamn prick has her now!”

 

Crowd : “BOOOOOOOOO!!!……”

 

As Sydney’s nose bleeds profusely, Flexxx yanks her red hair and drags her back onto her feet, and then latches onto her throat and gives her a standing front choke with his two glove-laden hands! Forcefully, the raging porno man pushes Sydney backwards until he has the champion pressed in a hard place, which is between the steel T.B. post and the Flunkmasta. Flexxx gives Sydney a cold, sick stare into her eyes as he continues the blatant chokehold. As he grins and Sydney chokes, however… the referee, Sexton Hardcastle, taps Flexxx on the shoulder and shouts at him to “BREAK HOLD!” When he does this, Flexxx turns completely irate and takes the referee down with a stiff clothesline!

 

Axis : “God… damnit! That cheap son of a bitch knocked out referee Hardcastle!”

 

Now, the referee was laid out on the floor. As Flexxx swore furiously at the downed referee, the X-rated jackass hears his opponent, Sydney, panting and breathing once more, and trying to regain her much-needed composure. Turning back to Sydney, Flexxx walks back over to her and grabs her chin, “sweet-talking” her, only to commence a stiff uppercut to the intelligentsia’s face. Knocking her cranium downwards, the Flunkmasta backed his arm up to ready for a powerful knife-edge chop…

 

*SLAP* - “OOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Only to follow up with another…

 

*SLAP* - “OOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“What’s that, you title-grubbing whore? You want MORE? (yes, I can rhyme!”

 

*SLAP* - “OOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Sydney’s soft chest throbs with horrible pain and redness after the three hellaciously stiff chops, and she calmly falls down on her rear. Flexxx laughs wholeheartedly like a total jackoff and walks over to the turnbuckle that is opposite of Sydney, and stares her down… and then he sprints towards the downed Sydney, having a perfectly clear shot at her!

 

 

 

 

 

 

…With the referee out cold, Sydney pulls out her last ounce of determination and lifts herself up to kick a madly running Flexxx, right in the groin!

 

King : “AAAH!!! She got him right in his junk! WOMEN!”

 

Edwin : “Ha ha ha! Sydney is very wise, and knew to spot the errors that sprouted from Miseur Cockboy’s arrogance!”

 

Now with Flexxx’s clamping his hands on his pelvic area to decrease the pain, although in vain, Sydney grabs Flexxx’s skull and tugs him close to the turnbuckle. Sydney then climbs up the ropes, perches herself on top of the corner post, and leaps off with great distance and gracefully swooping down for an elevated Bulldog on Flexxx! As the crowd cheers estatically at Miss Sky’s gaining the upper hand, Sydney flips Flexxx over and hooks his leg for the pinfall. Hardcastle, who was knocked out, crawls off the ground and slowly slaps his hand onto the mat!

 

“ONE!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“TWO!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“THR-kickout!”

 

Axis : “NO! Flexxx kicks out! The battle has to go on!”

 

Sydney Sky lifts her own body off of Flexxx and throws up to three punches in between the porn star’s eyes, and then she runs to the ropes and comes leaping back with a flying elbow to the chest! Sydney then gets back up and drags the lecherous Flexxx back up with her, in order to whip Flexxx into the ropes! When the Flunkmasta bounces back, Sydney knocks Flexxx down with a stiff clothesline to the head! When the angered Flexxx gets back up, Sydney lunges at him with another clothesline aimed at his face! As Miss Sky feels the adrenaline rush pumping up her stamina, she runs to the ropes and jumps onto the top-most rope, and then she leaps while flipping her body a full 180 degrees, and her knees crash-land into Flexxx’s abdomen… Sydney nails the Springboard Lionsault!

 

Axis : “Flexxx falls victim to a “Fallen Star” attack! He’s down for the count!”

 

“ONE!”

 

 

 

 

“TWO-kickout!”

 

Flexxx kicks out as fast as he can, and Sydney attempts to bring Flexxx upwards again to continue her constant barrage of fast-paced attacks… but Flexxx grabs hold of Sydney’s arm and pulls her down towards his face, and the Flunkmasta spins around on the mat and sweep-kicks Sydney’s two legs! Knocking the elegant femme fatale onto the mat and abruptly bringing her luck to an endpoint, the ruthless Flexxx stands back up while holding both of her legs upwards, and he laughs maniacally as he lifts Sydney up from the mat and catapults her over his head… THUD! driving her face flat into the hard canvas with a pancake! Flexxx then gets himself back up, forces Sydney back into a standing position, and then he goes up behind Sydney and locks into a Crossface Chickenwing submission on Miss Sky.

 

Axis : “This can’t be good… Sydney can’t go on much further if Flexxx constantly leaves her short of breath!”

 

Edwin : “Bah… Sydney is better than that white trash. She’ll win… you’ll see!”

 

As Sydney shakes her long, crimson-red hair about while trying desperately to escape from the Flunkmasta’s tight grasp, Flexxx pulls back on her even harder and pulls her backwards. In just one instance, with one swift, smooth transition…

 

…Sydney is whipped over Flexxx’s body and her head and arm are brutally driven into the mat, with a Half-Nelson Flexxxplex!

 

Axis : “DAMN IT! DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT…”

 

King : “Pfft. Stop your bitching. If a JL champion can’t take the stresses of being the champ, then they clearly don’t deserve the belt!”

 

After laying Sydney’s motionless body onto the mat, Flexxx turns around and covers her for the pinfall. Hardcastle slides over and raises his hand in the air for the ominous three-count…

 

“ONE!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“TWO!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“THREE-No! Wait, the pin was broken!”

 

Edwin : “YES! Sydney got the elbow up, right before the three!”

 

Sydney keeps her right arm held high in the air, with all of her pride, and Flexxx can’t even bear to watch this upset as the millions and millions of estatic SJL fans are going wild! The porn star’s anger gradually increases… until once again, he can no longer contain his enragement.

 

--

 

And it cuts right there. Cause i suck and cant do anything in one sitting. Pity me with INTENSITY~! If anyone wants to know what spots i was going to use, Sydney would have pulled two Daybreaks... one i put my foot on the rope to evade, and the second one would end up reversed into a botched underhook tombstone. End-match finish : Flexxx does 5 consecutive vertical suplexes, and then goes up to TB for superplex, but then Sydney counters by falling off the TB and doing a super dragonscrew. Then she does flying attack... and thats where i got writers block if i couldn't job =P

 

*sigh* like i said... i'll explain more later. oww, my head. it needs a crowbar. badly.

[Guest realitycheck]

Okay, this is ze match that lost to Frost. King said it was close, but what do ya'll think?

 

-----

 

…and we’re back! The camera shoots around the arena, which is in its usual state of bout-it, bout-it, rowdy, rowdy enthusiasm!! The jumpy Tennessee fans wave signs and cheer their hearts out, rowdy as you’d expect! After its ceremonial wide angles and flashy pans, the camera settles on the table housing the three hombres, Suicide Chico, Senior Axis, and Gringo MacPhisto. Edwin greets the fans, as Axis shuffles his notes and King stares absently into the camera.

 

Edwin: “And weeeellllcome back, little dawgies! Tis’ been a rootin, tootin, double-barreled blast of fun on Crimson here in Tennnnnesssseeee! And the best is still to come, Yee-HAW!”

 

King[grumbly]: “Stow it, MacPhisto. Stow it and never, ever unpack it again.”

 

Edwin: “Aw… shucks howdy, Space Cowboy. Why so glum? Still upset that Z was ‘audacious’ to take my advice and talk to you earlier?”

 

[King doesn’t even dignify that with a response]

 

Edwin: “Heh. Thought so. Anyway, as alluded to by my skunky chum, up next is the Handicap match featuring Frost, Z and the ever obfuscasive ‘?’ I shall spare you the Mac Daddy Mathematics that I am usually inclined to do whenever he shows up.”

 

Axis: “Thank you, Edwin. But yes indeed, that ‘?’ could be considered quite the pickle. This time it represents a partner of Z’s choosing to help him along in this match. As you may know, this partner could be ANYONE in the SWF, past, present or futur—Uh… Ok, just past and present.”

 

Edwin: “We’ve seen Z’s trials earlier in the night to try and find a partner, folks. As I understand, he’s called every person he could think of on the SJL and SWF roster, including moi! At least he has style, I must say.” [Edwin grins] “None the less, he’ll need all the help he can against the monstrous Fros--”

 

Before Edwin can even finish, the chilly presence makes himself known! The unmistakable opening riff of Blue Oyster Cult’s ‘Cities on Flame with Rock ‘n’ Roll’ explode! The crowd follows suit, boiling over with ire as the ‘Iceman from Iceland’ stalks onto the stage, his prized European Title gleaming over his shoulder. Frost steps down to the ring deliberately, ignoring the crowds rancor, as Funyon booms over the house mic…

 

Funyon: “The following match, scheduled for ONE fall, is a HANDICAP MATCH!! Now making his way down the aisle, from Reykjavík, Iceland… weighing in at 296lbs… he is the reigning SJL EUROPEAN CHAMPION… FROOOOST!!”

 

Edwin: “Aww… you smell that, Children? Love is in the air! After what happened on Crimson, seeing Frost just gets me all tingly inside…”

 

Axis: “Indeed, Edwin. As we all know, on Metal, Frost showed that his attitude may be frozen, but his heart is not. After accidentally pinning Sydney Sky to retain his European Title, he later *draped* Sydney across Andrew Rickman, allowing her to win the SJL World Title!”

 

Edwin: “Why, miei amici? Because Frost revealed he was in *love* with the riot grrl! Perhaps this tale of love and chivalry will quell Frost’s legendary temper?”

 

King(airily): “Or maybe the rejection at the hands of Sky will just amplify his rage?” [Pause; quieter] “…I’m hoping not…”

 

Frost enters the ring, the events of a few days ago obviously not showing through his icy demeanor. He gently removes and folds over the straps of his title… as the funk chords of Faith No More’s ‘Epic’ rock the hizzowse! The crowd roars as Michael Patton’s nasally vocals echo around the stadium, and the mirthster throws aside the black curtain with one hand, ambiguous black briefcase in the other as he shuffles his way down the aisle!

 

Funyon: “And ONE HALF of his opponents! From Trenton, New Jersey, weighing in at 229lbs… ZEEEEEE!!!”

 

Z does his usual spin on heel/bang off salute/try not to fall down shtick, getting another good pop from the crowd! He rolls under the bottom rope, gently setting the briefcase down in the corner, and walking over for Funyon’s microphone [Whist trying, and failing, to conceal his glances at Frost].

 

Axis: “Much like his match on Metal, Z coming out without any sign of a partner.”

 

Edwin: “And also much like his match on Metal, he’s got the mic to try and remedy the situation! Hmn… I wonder if he’ll try and upgrade his Mac Daddy test scores with more CHEAP POPS~!”

 

King: “…”

 

With microphone firmly gripped in palm, Z backs back into his corner, and begins…

 

Z: “Helloooo, Tennessee!!” [Cheap Pop!] “And if you’ve been paying attention to me this evening, then welcome to ‘As the Dial Tones.’ As I appear to have been getting a lot of that every time I wanted to get a partner…”

 

The crowd gives a little pop at Z’s bad soap opera reference, and a little jeer at not being able to get a partner.

 

Z: “FEAR NOT! Your friendly neighborhood Greco-slash-Latin alphabetical symbol has managed to dredge up a partner! …through from the looks of things, he may not need it against the big-bad… heart warmed Frosty the Snowman?”

 

At Frost’s mention of Frost’s name, the crowd jeers vehemently! Frost himself stares coldly at Z, eyes narrowed. Z returns a lopsided grin, before continuing…

 

Z: “Love is in the air, can’t you feel it? You know, if all I learned about love I learned while watching the Princess Bride, then I know that there is NOTHING more valiant or just than true love!” [Pop!] “Anyway, as I know this, I know that it must be a very trying time, especially with you still upset at Sydney’s reaction! So I propose…”[He pauses for effect] “That you forfeit the match, hence sparring us from any messy issue, and letting have so no-doubt needed time to think about your feelings. Whadda’ ya say?”

 

The crowd cheers at Z’s thinly veiled attempt to get out of the match. Frost seems… unresponsive… before receiving a spare microphone, and… chuckling. Z watches tensely… before chuckling also… weakly. Both men share semi-hearty, insincere laughter… before Frost abruptly stops.

 

Frost: “You would like that… wouldn’t you?” [Frost’s face falls into its usual scowl] “I resent that you… mock me for what I did on Crimson. But what was I to expect from a little mouse like you?” [He sneers] “I resent that your ‘valiant’ commissioner would dare place me in such a match, because of my ‘disrespect’ of his precious World Title.” [Frost growls and indicates to Edwin, who looks slightly miffed] “But… That is of no matter now! What matters now is you *partner.*”

 

[He pauses]

 

Frost: “Hmph. I could have respected you had you had the courage to face me alone… but I was right, you ARE nothing but a mouse running around my feet. How sad it is, someone so cowardly as you could find a partner. How… *pitiful* they must be, lowly enough to accept you. I can imagine the little boy you asked… did you bring Vanguard from his hiding spot in the rafters? Did you dredge up T-Bone, after I broke him like a small toy?” [Z leans back in the corner, taking it all in. Frost looks irked, but continues] “How pathetic this man’s career must be. Tell me, was he good enough to lose in the opening match? You understand… I shall break you like the others. And your partner... He will be wary of the Touch of Frost or he shall face… the consequences… of an EARLY… WINTER…”

 

“ALL ABOARD!!! HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH!!”

 

At Ozzy Osborne’s wailing voice and maniacal laughter, Frost stops cold! The crowd is silenced as the easily recognizable riff from ‘Crazy Train’ explodes from the stereo! Z gins as Frost turns to the announcer’s table, to see Axis looking shocked, Edwin doubled over with laughter, and King picking his face out of his hands.

 

Axis: “Oh… My… God…”

 

Edwin: “KYA’HAHAHAHA! Suici—HAHAHA! Bloody Suicide Ki… Haha… King! Z listened to me… HA! To me after all! Hahaha! H—ho…haha…how did he…?”

 

King(grumbles): “He… held them hostage. I couldn’t believe it. I had no choice!” [sighs] “Watch my jacket, will you?”

 

King tosses aside his sport coat, rolling up the sleeves of his dress shirt as he sulks to the ring apron, still trying to figure how a measly JLer got the better of him. He pulls himself up, leaning over the ropes with his arms folded over, and mostly ignoring Z as he talks ‘strategy.’ Z finally finishes with a thumbs up, as King shoots off a biting sarcastic remark… that goes over Z’s head. He sighs, as Z and a still stunned Frost step to the center of the ring, and Eddy Long signals the timekeeper…

 

**DING!DING!DING!**

 

Edwin: “Hahaha… ooohhh, mercy me, Axis. I think I might enjoy this one too much…”

 

Axis: “Well… whatever it was he did, Z has managed to coax the Suicide King out of retirement to be him secret partner against Frost! …man, I don’t think ANYONE expected that.”

 

Frost immediately shakes any feelings of uneasiness, as he leaps at Z, synching up in a collar and elbow! The two grapple for a moment, before Frost breaks, flinging Z into a backwards roll! Z shakes out his head, and fool that he is, jumps at Frost for a second try! The Icelander is waiting, however, as he readily accepts the far smaller man. Quickly, Frost snaps out of the tie-up, crushing Z’s head in a headlock. Z squirms helplessly, trying to pry Frost’s arm off of his head… when Frost brings up his knee, smashing Z’s face right across it!

 

Axis: “Frost, as always, getting an early advantage with his huge leverage advantage.”

 

Edwin: “And King, of course, vocal as always…”

 

The camera snips over to King, who is endorsing Frost’s move with hearty applause. Frost, of course, remains focused on his target, dropping down on Z’s ribcage with several standing knee-drops. Z clutches his ribs as he gets away from Frost’s assault, rolling up to his knees… and Frost grabs a handful of his hair, pulling the small man up to his feet!

 

Edwin: “So, it was whatever was in that briefcase that convinced King to help Z, eh? I wonder what it could be…”

 

Axis: “I think you should be a little more worried at the matters at hind, Edwin, ‘cause Frost looks to be setting Z up!”

 

Taking one of Z’s arms, Frost backs him against the ropes, tying it up behind him! Frost follows up with Z’s other arm, and with the XF9er completely hapless, Frost reaches back and CRACKS Z across the chest with a mighty open handed slap! Z grits his teeth, trying to force back a yell of pain as he slumps down… and is pushed back up straight again, as Frost delivers another mighty slap! Satisfied, Frost unhooks one of Z’s arms, hurling him to the ropes in an Irish Whip… that is inadvertently reversed as Z literally falls into it!

 

Axis: “Z’s luck again giving him a helping hand in this match!”

 

Frost, however, will have none of Z’s luck, immediately revering the reversal and pulling Z back to him, nearly ripping his head off with a giant clothesline!

 

Axis: “Nevermind…”

 

Edwin: “Frost is big, fo’ shizzle. Z needs ta hone dat luck an' break out da heavy artillery. If he wants ta beat Frost, I’d say he should start ta bounce around like uh pinball on speed! w0rd!!”

 

Axis: “Edwin, aren’t you supposed to be a London yob? And besides, this is Z. The most flying he’ll ever do is when he falls out of his bed in the morning.”

 

With Z crahed on the canvas, Frost again picks him up by the arm… and pulls Z as hard as he can, sickling him with another massive clothesline… that sends Z obediently flipping! Z crashes down on the mat, perpendicular to the ropes, as Frost looks down on him for a moment, sizing him up… and taking a step, crushing Z with a big, fat splash! Z’s entire body convulses on impact… but Frost does not stay on Z for a pinfall attempt!

 

Axis: “Big, fat splash! But Frost isn’t going to go for the cover! What the…”

 

Edwin[gasp!]: “I have it, Axis! It was elementary! That briefcase must have… the ear of King’s daughter!”

 

Axis[blink, blink]: “Edwin, King doesn’t have a daughter.”

 

Edwin: “Uh… his son?”

 

Axis sighs, as Frost rises back up, he steps backwards into the ropes, bouncing off and leaping in the air for a massive jumping elbow… that Z rolls away from!

 

**BOOM!**

 

Edwin: “Whoo! Frost missed Z entirely with the jumping elbow attempt, and I think he may have just opened the San Andreas Fault line!”

 

Axis: “Tennessee, Edwin. This is twister country… uh, I think. I’m not up on American geogr—Z! Z trying to tag King in!”

 

Having rolled away from sure pancakedom, Z crawls his way across the mat, throwing out his hand to try and make the tag! King half-heartedly leans his arm over the ropes, looking more like a man waiting for a bus, than a guy who’s supposed to be making a hot tag. Z inches closer… and closer… (And realizing he may actually have to participate, King pulls his hand away further… and further…) Z finally get to within a few centimeters of a tag, his hand trembling… When Frost grabs him by his boot, pulling Z back as he hopelessly claws at the canvas!

 

Axis: “Z trying to make the tag, but Frost is up fast enough to pull him away!”

 

Edwin: “Huff! Huff, I say! It isn’t even as if King was trying to make the tag!”

 

Axis: “Edwin, save Stevens, you’ve know him longer and better than anyone else. Do you *think* he’d be eager to wrestle Frost? …even if he weren’t retired?”

 

Edwin: “Still, it’s poppycock, my large Australian friend! I demand royal dismantling!”

 

With Z effectively pulled back into the centre of the ring, Frost hammers him up and down his back from his sitting position. Pulling himself up to his feet, Frost yanks up Z’s arm, tossing him to the ropes like a rag doll. As Z ricochets back, Frost grasps him by the chest and leg… and hauls Z over his head in a Gorilla Press! Fueled by adrenalin, Frost roars mightily, letting the crowd wash the ring over with jeers!

 

Axis: “Heh. I guess Frost is not only considered a violent polar bear, but is also channeling its spirit!”

 

Edwin[gasp!]: “I’ve deduced the mystery of the briefcase! It could only contain… the ear of his WIFE!”

 

Axis: “…He isn’t married either, Edwin. Besides, what would it matter? He has a new girlfriend practically every night.”

 

With Z still firmly entrenched in his grasp, Frost pumps his arms, tossing Z above him like a small child… and letting him fall to the ground with a ‘Thud!’ Dropping to one knee, Frost rests both of his palms on Z’s chest, as Long counts it…

 

ONE!

 

TWO—KICKOUT!

 

Axis: “Frost with that lax cover, obviously getting overconfident in his ability to beat Z…”

 

Edwin: “Hmm… lax… Is there any way I can make an Ex-lax joke, and include Frost in it?”

 

Axis: “No.”

 

Edwin: “Well, blargledyargle.”

 

Frost curses his luck, though he’s probably not too surprised at Z kicking out. Picking Z up by his rapidly unbinding hair, Frost clamps his hand down on the side of Z’s head, holding him steady as he arrows his knuckles into Z’s head! Frost follows it up with a second knuckle arrowing! …and a third! Finally, he lets Z slouch down to one knee, as Eddy Long warns him about clenched firsts. Frost nods absently, hauling Z up once more, and whipping him to the ropes, catching him on the rebound by wrapping his arm around his waist… and snapping Z’s back down on Frosts knee with a malicious Pendulum Backbreaker!

 

Axis: “And you can almost hear the crack of Z’s vertebrae on Frost’s knee!”

 

Edwin: “And he still has hold of Z after the move, Axis! I think he might be going for a second…”

 

**CRUNK!** “ARRRGH!”

 

Edwin: “…backbreaker. Owie.”

 

Axis: “Z precariously balanced on Frost’s knee… and Frost jams his arms down on Z’s throat and legs, forcing his knee further into Z’s back! Creative submission at the hands of Frost!”

 

Edwin(grimacing at Z’s predicament.): “Ugh… tell me something, Axey-buddy. I know this is supposed to be a handicap match… but who exactly is handicapped? As long as King isn’t tagging in, it’s going to be Frost and Z, one-on-one! Those are pretty bad odds, I must say…”

 

Axis: “Well, if Z could see for the pain, he might actually be able to make a tag to king, right now! …of course, it’s all kinda’ for naught if King doesn’t want any part of the match…”

 

As Long continually pesters Z about submitting, Frost forces his hands down harder, electing more screams from Z! Z whimpers in reply to Long, who looks very concerned, as Frost looks very frustrated at Z’s resistance! Finally, he gives up the submission, opting to again latch onto the XF9er by the waist and legs… and drop him in a Sidewalk Slam! Taking a huff of breath, Frost leans over and hooks the leg for the cover!

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THREEEE—NO!!

 

Axis: “Damn! Z is absolutely *steadfast* in not losing, here!”

 

Edwin: “Saving it for King to do, I presume? Capital idea!”

 

Frost yells out some untranslatable Icelandic unprintables, slowly getting up and taking Z with him. Gripping Z in a front facelock, Frost tosses Z’s closest arm over his shoulder, and hooks his cargo pants for… nothing! Z tucks his toe behind Frost’s calve, causing the iceman to take an unusually heated demeanor, growling frustratedly! Frost resets and tries again… but Z jerks his entire foot behind Frost’s leg! Frost again drops Z to reset, but is taken by surprise as Z drops, locking limbs and rolling Frost up in a Small Package!

 

Axis: “Shock pin!”

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THR—NO!

 

Axis: “Z almost shocked Frost with that roll-up!”

 

Edwin: “I say it’s going to take a lot more that a phooey surprise roll-up to get Frost! …unfortunately for Z.”

 

Frost quickly pops out of the hold, serving a glance at Z, who has managed to scamper al the way to one of the other turnbuckles. Frost easily gets to his feet, stalking toward Z, who busies himself trying to pull himself up with the ropes. At his feet, Z catches Frost in the corner of his eye, and sprints from the corner, letting Frost go gut first into the top turnbuckle as he tries a running double-axehandle! Frost hacks and backs away from the turnbuckle… and is bowled over as Z charges, tripping Frost up with a double-leg takedown! The camera abruptly cuts to the apron, showing a disenchanted Suicide King apathetically golf clap for his partner.

 

Axis: “Suicide, as always, showing tremendous moral support for his partner.”

 

Edwin: “Are you kidding me? This is ‘Tag-Partner of the Year’ material compared to his usual antics!”

 

With Z firmly mounted on Frost, he begins to wail away at his face with a barrage of weak punches! Frost tries his best to fend off Z from his place on the mat, blocking as many as he can with his forearms. Suddenly, Frost randomly reaches up, raking all of Z’s face! Immediately, Z recoils, falling off of Frost and seeking the ropes to try and heal his face! Frost gets up quickly, the ‘beating’ not really doing a whole lot. Grasping a still recovering Z by, yup, his hair, he hauls the Zedman to his feet, grasping his arm and pitching him to the ropes in an Irish Whip… that Z reverses of his own power this time! Hand gripped firmly around Frost’s wrist, Z leans back for leverage, bringing his foot up in a massive hook kick! …that barely gets up, and sends Z’s heel into Frost’s thigh.

 

Axis: “Z’s offence up to its usual level, I see.”

 

Edwin: “Not very super, Axis. Not super at *all*. …say, you don’t think that the briefcase is full of a bunch of records, do you?”

 

Axis: “…Edwin, you’re an idiot.”

 

[Edwin shrugs]

 

The kick, through not placed all that high, still manages to have an impact, sending Frost stumbling back a ways, clutching his thigh. Z sees his only opening, and attacking like a wolf [cub] he shoots himself off the ropes, charging at Frost and snapping his arm across his chest with the Arm Grenade! …which only sends Frost staggering. Not to be daunted, Z follows through, bouncing off the other ropes and getting Frost with a second Arm Grenade… which causes the big man to flail his arms for balance, but still does not fall! Finally, Z springs off the ropes for a third arm grenade… which a woozy Frost catches!

 

Edwin[sing song]: “Uh-oh… Spaghetti-Os!”

 

Axis: “Uh-oh indeed, Eddy Mac! Z went to the well one time too often, and now he’s about to get the consequences!”

 

In a rather pathetic display, Z tries to free himself, as Frost grips his hand as tight as possible! Z squirms, as Frost takes a moment to snakebite Z’s forearm, getting a grimace of pain from the Zedman. Satisfied with his mask of pain, Frost throws Z to the ropes… right for the Suicide King! King chokes and leans back on the ropes with one hand, trying to avoid certain disaster! As Z bounces off of the ropes and they pull back… King goes with them! King flails his free arm, as the ropes snap back into place, the momentum almost sending him toppling into the ring! With his one hand on the ropes, he manages to hold on… but his flailing gets the better of him, his free arm thrown over the ropes and into the ring… effectively slapping Z on the shoulder!

 

Axis: “Oh… oh crap!” [laughs] “Does this mean what I think…?”

 

Edwin: “I’d say you’re right, Axis! Hark! What’s that I hear?” [He clasps a hand to his ear] “Are some jokers in row 120 starting a ‘We want King!’ chant?”

 

Edwin giggles, as Eddy Long acknowledges the tag! It’s all nothing to Z, though, as he stumbles from the ropes… right into the waiting arm of Frost! He clenches his massive hand around Z’s neck, reaching around to Z’s back with his other! With one fail swoop, Frost brings Z up… and down in a massive chokeslam!! Z’s impact shakes the entire ring, as the now legally dead SJL superstar rolls to the apron… and Frost turns to King. Horrified, King looks at his hand, then Frost. Then his hand again, then up at Frost. Hand. Frost. Hand. Frost. Well King continues to try and piece together what he’s just done… Frost jerks the top rope that King is leaning on, flipping the former World Champion into the ring!

 

Axis: “I... can’t believe it, Edwin! King’s first time in a wrestling ring in almost four full months!”

 

Edwin: “Oh yeah! Tis’ on, now!”

 

Frost lunges at the laying King… who scampers out of the way! Ducking into a corner, he shoots a glance at Z… who is still without vital signs. From there, he looks up at Frost. Way… way up.

 

Axis: “I don’t think King actually expected to get tagged into this match *at all.* Right now he’s probably just realized how big frost really is! What, 7 inches and about 72 pounds?”

 

Edwin: “Now, now, Axis… Did you see how King was putting it away at that buffet last night? I’d say Frost only has 66 or *maybe* 67 pounds on King now.”

 

Blinking… King suddenly realizes he’d best move before Frost crushes him! Sprinting out of the corner, King narrowly avoids being mashed by a running Frost, who stops just shot of the turnbuckle! As Frost swings around his gaze, King immediately throws up his arms, trying to beg off Frost as he slowly backs up. Throwing out threats of contract termination and jobs in the opening card… King suddenly remembers that this isn’t the SWF. Mentally kicking himself, King quickly dives out of the way, lest Frost physically kick him! Again, King brings up his hands, trying desperately to beg off the incoming F-Train!

 

Axis: “King not displaying a whole lot of that -cough- ‘World Renowned Technical Skill’ that med him -cough- ‘The Single Greatest SWF World Champion of All-Time.’ Not that I thought he would, but still…”

 

Edwin: “…who’s side are you on, Axis!?”

 

Backing up again, King finds himself in the absolute worst place possible: Against the turnbuckle! King grimaces at his own lack of navigational skill, and looks up to see Frost almost right in front of him, cracking his knuckles! King looks left, then right! Finally, Frost reaches back, bringing down his fist in a might punch… that King ducks! The much smaller man dives down, grabbing the second rope and bailing out of the ring like it was flooding! Frost curses audibly as he punches the top turnbuckle pad, rubbing his fist in an attempt to soothe it. Frost looks to the outside, firing off a couple of good insults… which King returns!

 

Axis: “Frost obviously not intimidated by King’s resume, that’s for certain. And you may not be able to tell this all that well at home, folks, but the crowd is a solid sea of jeers!”

 

Edwin: “And why wouldn’t they be? Between Frost’s love affair with broken glass and the fact that King’s proving his begging and bailing skills are still intact…”

 

Axis: “You’re not fooling anyone, MacPhisto. Admit it, you admire Frost’s chilly but fuzzy Icelandic heart.”

 

Edwin: “…are you assuming that I would *never* cheer for King? …you’d be right.”

 

King peruses the outside of the ring, mindful of Eddy Long’s tencount being at “Three!” Frost continues his ranting, as King continues to let it all roll off of him, trying to let his calm, comfident demeanor resurface, despite the fact that he hasn’t  been conditioned for a wrestling in about three months. …and while shooting glances to Z, still seeing him laid out on the apron. Going through his usual mannerisms, to buy time, King smoothes out his hair and adjusts the collar of his jacket, stalling like a madman. He rounds the third corner of the ring, as Long’s count reaches “Six!” King steps full infront of Frost on the outside… before being pelted by a kernel of popcorn!

 

Axis: “…what the hell?”

 

Edwin: “Hmm…” [Peers closer] “Caramel corn! At last, someone with taste!”

 

Axis: “…how the hell can you tell what kind of popcorn it is without knowing who threw it?”

 

King blinks in irritation… before turning around and looking at KOJACK, with his wrapped knee up on the barrier! Before King can say anything, Kojack hurls another small kernel of popcorn at the ‘Hearbreaker’ causing him to ask ‘What the hell is wrong with you’ at Kojack! Instead of a speaking response, Kojack points behind King… and he turns around to see Frost reach over the ropes, grab him by the arm, and drag an unwilling Suicide King onto the ring apron!

 

Axis: “A… uh… clever distraction by Kojack lets Frost drag King back into the ring!”

 

Edwin: “Hmmn… I smell internal continuity!”

 

Axis: “Or a really bad plot-point.”

 

With King on the apron, Frost jerks him into the ring, letting Suicide ‘thump’ lightly to the mat. King springs to his feet… and immediately puts his hands up, trying to good old ‘beg off’ strategy! …which is stopped as Frost hand smacks against King’s throat, in the setup for a chokeslam!

 

Edwin: “YES! Yes, yes, yes! Stick it to the man, Frost!”

 

Axis: “…you do know that if he walks out of this match with any kind of scratch on his person, King will terminate your contract, right?”

 

Edwin: “Uhm…” [Pause] “Hey, I’m the champion! I’m infallible, correct?”

 

Axis: “Yeah. That’s what King thought, too.”

 

As Edwin gulps, King tries hard to pry Frost’s hand from his throat! Sensing his doom immanent, King quickly concocts a genius distraction…

 

“OH MY GOD!! WHAT’S THAT CRAWLING UP YOU SHIRT!?”

 

…getting the ref to look down! With Long distracted, King quickly rears back his foot… and drives the tips of his loafers into Frost’s junk!

 

Axis: “Good lord! King’s Gucci loafers just roofed Frost’s little snowman into his tonsils!”

 

Edwin: “King’s been retired for a while… but it isn’t like he’s forgotten anything.”

 

Long looks up from his zebra shirt, not finding anything… and looks over to see King standing over a fallen Frost. King grins lopsidedly, trying to look at least semi-innocent while Frost groans on the mat, holding his jumbles. At the sound of slow, tired applause, Z looks over, and sees a finally recovered Z! King marches over…

 

“Great job!”

 

“What the hell took you so long!?”    

 

“Huh? I jus--”

 

**SMACK!**

 

“Get in there!”

 

Axis: “Damn, that un-retirement didn’t last all that long! King just tagged Z back into the match!”

 

Edwin: “Phooey, he didn’t even get hit by a move.”

 

Z uneasily steps into the ring, still not totally recovered, not exactly stunned at the precedings. A still groggy Frost rises to his feet… as Z heads to the corner! He raises his hand in a ‘That’s it!’ fashion, and begins to… well…

 

**STOMP!**

 

Frost still tries to find his footing...

 

**STOMP!**

 

On one knee, Frost is almost up to both legs… but falls down back to his one knee!

 

**STOMP!**

 

Finally, Frost manages to pull himself up to his feet! ….and hears a stomping sound. He turns around…

 

**STOMPSTOMP!!**

 

Z quickly leaps out of the corner for his superkick finisher, his foot sailing through the air at Frost! Almost out of reflex, Frost reaches out, grabbing Long and tossing him in front of Z speeding boot! With a loud ‘smack!’ his foot impacts on Long’s chin, sending him cascading to the canvas! With a shocked look on his face, Z turns around… and has his arm underhooked! Frost throws Z up… and down, splattering him all over the mat with the Ice Shelf!

 

Axis: “Ay yi, yi! Frost just tossed the zebra in front of Z’s foot, and Frost took advantage of the distraction!”

 

Edwin: “But no ref equals no win! Irony is a cruel, cold mistress, is she not?”

 

Frost mentally kicks himself, cursing his foolishness. He looks at the downed Z… and the downed Long. Then Z. Then Long. Then Z. …then the black briefcase. With a grin, Frost matches over to the briefcase, picking it up from it’s place under the turnbuckle, much to King’s protests! Frost lines up a shot on Z, hoping he’ll recover in time… before seeing the single unlocked latch. Curiosity overcoming him, Frost clicks opens the case… and almost falls down upon seeing the contents!

 

Axis: “Whatever is in that case just shocked the hell out of Frost!”

 

Edwin: “And King doesn’t like it one bit, Axis!”

 

Mulling over the pros and cons of helping Z or losing exactly whatever it was that got him here in the first place, King throws it all away, jumping over the ropes! Frost catches this, and drops the briefcase…

 

…as a tiny…

 

…plastic…

 

…CD case…

 

…falls out…

 

‘DEF LEPPARD, Hysteria’

 

Axis: “…”

 

Edwin: “WHOO! Score one for the Mac Daddy! Pay up, Axis!”

 

Axis: “…later! King’s in the ring with Frost… again!”

 

Turning to meet his new attacker Frost swings with a wild punch… that King ducks! Quickly, King half-nelsons Frost’s arm, and grapevines Frost’s leg with his own! In a flash Frost is swept face first into the canvas with a…

 

Axis: “JOKERS WILD! JOKERS WILD! KING JUST NAILED FROST WITH THE JOKERS WILD!”

 

Edwin: “Holey Scmoley! I haven’t seen King move like that in ages! See, kids, when you’re an old man like King, you don’t want to have a strict diet of Pirogues and Kielbasa!”

 

Frost splashes down with an audible thump, as King looks only half happy with having to hit Frost with the Jokers Wild, if only because he needed to save his most prized position… his music collection. With a sigh, King heads back to apron… before remembering Z. With a sigh, King walks back and tosses Z across Frost. He heads back again… before remembering about Long. With a more aggravated sigh, he grabs Eddy by his striped shirt, and tosses his toward the pin. Groggily, he counts, still sort of out of it as the fans chant along!

 

ONE!

 

 

 

TWO!!!

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEEE!!!

 

**DING!DING!DING!**

 

Funyon: “The winners of this match… Z! And… the SUICIDE… KING!!!”

 

King heads back to the desk, as ‘Epic’ pumps over the stereo, and Z *slowly* comes to…

 

Axis: “Z wins by *again* getting tossed over his opponent!”

 

Edwin: “Happens a lot, eh?” [He snickers] “Oh, and *DEF LEPPARD, King?”

 

King: “…shut up, Edwin.”

 

Axis(sigh): “…anyway, the Main Event, up next!”

 

[And… starwipe to commercials!]