Guest Report post Posted June 7, 2002 I've just eaten a steak and started on my second PBR (in CANS! Yes, it is the day before payday....) I watched hours upon hours upon hours of choice wrestling on tape from all over the world; I NOW WAIT FOR THE US CONTRIBUTION! I will change my pants now and await... WHAT WORKED - HEY! It's FIT motherfucking FINLAY! Why is he needing help keeping these two choads apart- like he couldn't just beat the living breathing dogshit out of anybody in the entire building if he wanted to. Vince is funny being the broadest possible cheapheat-machine. Hokie Okies? What next? Beer Belly Rednecks? Insecure-Born Ratsoup Eating Motherfuckers? Hulk's neck is all leathery and wiggly and layered- so it's like my Aunt Alice if she was even more unduly tanned and had much smaller breasts. I get the urge to hug Hogan and he has a sudden to give me a nice piece of sponge cake. - All that fabulous Man Ass is on display as they whip out Billy's SWEET SWEET BUNZ~! Kawada/Taue! JUMBO/BABA! MORTON/GIBSON! BILLY's LEFT CHEEK/ BILLY's RIGHT CHEEK! This was awesome, motherfucker. - Are they cancelling ONE ON ONE? Is that the show where the former portly girl lost all the weight and her friend who is a guy is teaching her how to slowdance because she's never danced before, and he notices that HE MIGHT BE FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER! But she's going out with another guy and is oblivious? Is it? Is that the show? - Nidia is the evil stalker of Hurricane and they talk about Nidia and Hurricane doing the Donkey Dance at some point in the past. NIDIA IS A WOMAN SCORNED! HurriBITCH?!?! Damn, girlfriend, you gonna take that? Nidia explains that she has a boyfriend and Hurricane questions her morals and accuses her of having copious amounts of sex partners. Jamie Knoble starts beating the shit out of Hurricane and he is WAAAAAY too much fun as Nidia's peckerwood boyfriend controlled by her sweet sweet pussy. This is definately Heyman at his sleazy best. - Christian vs Valbowski was perfectly fine wrestling until Valbowski hits the shittiest lariats I have ever seen. Valbowski hits Yuji Nagata's Nagatalock and this stays above the Mendoza line. Christian selling the leg to set up Valbowski's sweet looking Towerhacker Powerbomb was nice. It was like three minutes and the Christian push is fading like my dreams of a successful porn career. - Kurt Angle still has the wig. Hardcore Holly still has the worst catchphrase in all of wrestledom. Holly hits a nice dropkick and they get all stiff with the chops. Angle makes the Hotshot by Holly look fucking GREAT and hits a beautiful Belly-to-Belly. Holly throws shitty punches- as shitty as Angle's German is magnificent. Angle's crushes him with the Belly-To-Back. I await the old school Trifecta with a Vertical Suplex. Angle bumps like a mothfucker, going shouolder first into the ringpost. The toprope Suplex was pretty great- as Holly is a MAN and takes it like a man. Holly hits the sub-Shane Douglas Belly to Belly into a Powerbomb, but they are going long on this and I'm digging it as it only goes for two. The ankle pick should have been the finish but they opt for the roly poly roly thing with Angle cheating to win, thus capping off a perfectly fine wrestling match. - Edge wears leather pants as streetclothes? In Oklahoma City? In June? That's hardcore. Wait a minute. The Oklahoma crowd didn't say "WHAT?" at any point tonight. I THOUGHT I was less irritated tonight. Jericho beating the hell out of Edge for doing a SHOOT PROMO~! was a nice touch. - Billy Kidman gives Lance the hint to GROW BACK THE MULLET RATTAIL! When will he listen!?! WRESTLING SUPERSTARDOM IS CALLING! - Hogan and HHH was kinda spirited. Hogan makes me guffaw with the double axehandle clothesline (WHAT?) They brawl around a bit and HHH keeps it good by doing a COMPLETE Ric Flair impersonation in the ring. The kicks, the chops, the bumps, the SWANK elbow drop, even the EXACT Sleeper hold from every Flair/Hogan match with flair kicking out his legs like that. Hogan hulks up and they do the exact sequence that Holly and Angle did less than an hour earlier with the Sleeper Reversal into a Side Suplex. Hogan looks PATHETIC hitting his pinning ritual. I was amazed that Hogan didn't kick out of the Pedrigree. Instead, HHH wins clean as a motherfucking sheet. I got no problem with hogan at all when he does THAT. The indie postmatch hug was annoying but it got worse as HHH fucks up his badassed character by posing like a dink with the idol of children. Thankfully, Angle and Undertaker run out and save HHH's career. WHAT DIDN'T WORK - All of TEAM SMACKDOWN gathers in the ring and Vince talks and talks and I'm assuming that this will be the just your normal point of irritation of Vince jacking off on TV for twenty minutes while his employees mill around in the ring- but then he sets up the most horrendously useless match ever concieved- A BATTLE ROYALE~! This is every battle royal ever- half the guys holding onto the ropes trying not to get thrown over, the other guys feigning like they throwing them over, a lot of people standing around, some of them randonly punching people. Christian takes the Scott Armstrong at WW3 elimination and the Christian push is deeply in danger. Orton dies neatly. Chavo does the Lee Scott elimination of twisting terror. Mark Henry is not effected by the Battle Royal because him selling anything would make him less annoying, and God knows he HAS to annoy ME in Big Daddy DEAN's LEAST FAVORITE FORM of a wrestling match until he is finally eliminated. By the time the final four, Hogan throws some crappy punches and HORRENDOUS big boots- though Jericho is becoming the Canadian Psicosis in his ability to take spectacular bumps when all else fails and makes Hogan eliminating him look all spectacular. The finish was fun in a completely goofy, contrived way to set up the Main Event. HHH's ability to pull a ham sandwich out of a hog's ass will gauge whether that Main Event makes the Worked column. - Lance Storm thinks, "I'm going nowhere. I'm on Smackdown, the ratings are down, all the guys who are getting pushed are taking steroids. It's all that bastard Nash's fault. He poisoned it for guys like me when he booked WCW. Benoit wasn't big enough, Malenko wasn't big enough. I'm a heavyweight, garshdarnit! I don't wrestle this Cruiserweight style anymore!" and the whole story was going to go on and on until Lance convinces himself to try a powerbomb so Kidman could reverse it into a facebuster and we all laugh and laugh and laugh... It would have been a good time for me- the beloved reviewer- and you- the gentle reader- to bond and have fellowship together laughing at a foible of Billy Kidman's arsenal of moves. Of course, this would be the first wrestling match that Billy kidman has ever wrestled where he didn't demand that they do that spot so..... To hell with this match, it fucked up a perfectly fine cretinous set-up for a worn out joke. WE GET NO CLOSURE! - Hardcore Holly is ELECTRIC on THE STICK~! I will probably not watch STRIPTEASE! Dawn Marie and Stacie have a Larry Sauders moment in the hallway. THEY TALK ABOUT EACH OTHER'S TITTIES! If they ain't touching each other's titties next to a pool while solving a crime at 11:30 on Cinemax, I really can't get too excited about this. - Rikishi and Rico take on Billy and Chuck. I wonder if this is the most a belt has been so completely skullfucked? Other than the Russo era WCW which I never actually watched. They get around to announcing the elimination stipulation a little late. WWE is protecting finishers really well as Chuck gets over his Pat O'Conner Pressure Hold to eliminate Rico. Rikishi is all kindsa fun fighing off the two Divine Heinies- but the weird thing is that Billy is eliminated one minute in and it fucks the whole two on one thing they are shooting for. And then they do about every crappy hackneyed booking finish to further shit on the same belts that used to be worn DICK MOTHERFUCKING MURDOCK AND ADRIAN MOTHERFUCKING ADONIS. (Murdock and Adonis had the belts, right? Won it from the Briscoes? WHA?) I'm typing waaay more upset than I actually am. - Was that the SATs in the KotR commercial? - Hey, Torie is gonna fuck Maven. They don't go to where all of America wanted this segment to go- a three way with Maven, Torie and the kindly nurse. Tajiri looks like Jack Lord as he arrives with the Hawaiian shirt and he makes those anime-styled grimaces as the nurses at the front desk talk about what a piece Maven is. This ALMOST works. - Tajiri as the evil doctor was reminiscent of that scene in HARD BOILED where they shoot each other through the intensive care ward- but instead of reenacting it with suplexes and knife-edged chops replacing the gunplay, this kinda turned into a bad What's Happ'nin! episode. OH WAIT! They kinda save their own bacon at the end if it was any longer. - Forrest Whittaker- it's time to get another agent... THERE YOU HAVE IT. DEAN RASMUSSEN. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest TheDames7 Report post Posted June 7, 2002 Yes, that was the SAT's Dean. Dames Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest goodhelmet Report post Posted June 7, 2002 dean, you complimented hogan-hhh. get medical attention... NOW!!! Trips is no Stan Hansen and tis isn't All Japan. May God save your soul! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest art_vandelay Report post Posted June 7, 2002 That Angle/Holly match rocked it. Best Bob Holly match I've ever seen. Kurt Angle is amazing. I was surprised by the face pops Holly received, despite being a very mild heel in previous weeks. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest TheDames7 Report post Posted June 7, 2002 That Angle/Holly match rocked it. Best Bob Holly match I've ever seen. Kurt Angle is amazing. I was surprised by the face pops Holly received, despite being a very mild heel in previous weeks. .....Smackdown is taped so that was definitely canned heat. Dames Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 7, 2002 dean, you complimented hogan-hhh. get medical attention... NOW!!! Trips is no Stan Hansen and tis isn't All Japan. May God save your soul! I complimented HHH for assuming the role of Ric Flair. I complimented Hogan for putting HHH over clean as a sheet. And hopefully medical help is on the way. As for a comparison to Hansen vs Hogan, I didn't say this Smackdown match was great match or even a good match- it just worked. DEAN. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest bps "The Truth" 21 Report post Posted June 7, 2002 Why didn't Hogan get to beat HHH clean...FOR THE TITLE....ON THE MAIN EVENT OF A PPV. But HHH went over Hogan clean in a throwaway match on a Smackdown...where the outcome was obvious given last weeks show? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest TheDames7 Report post Posted June 7, 2002 Why didn't Hogan get to beat HHH clean...FOR THE TITLE....ON THE MAIN EVENT OF A PPV. But HHH went over Hogan clean in a throwaway match on a Smackdown...where the outcome was obvious given last weeks show? Admit it, if Hogan didn't job clean, then everyone would be bitching about how Hogan never puts anyone over...Its a no-win situation for smart marks. Dames Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 7, 2002 Why didn't Hogan get to beat HHH clean...FOR THE TITLE....ON THE MAIN EVENT OF A PPV. I... wasn't reviewing... THAT! Nope. I wasn't. DEAN. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Brian Report post Posted June 7, 2002 Dean~!...you...r00l! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Goodear Report post Posted June 7, 2002 I've just eaten a steak and started on my second PBR (in CANS! Yes, it is the day before payday....) I watched hours upon hours upon hours of choice wrestling on tape from all over the world; I NOW WAIT FOR THE US CONTRIBUTION! I will change my pants now and await... Hey man, I got to ask, what do you do for a living that you can watch mondo wrestling on a Thursday. Granted, I spend most of my workday writing a column about something I hate in wrestling (cheap plug), but no one can have a job with less work involved than me. WHAT WORKED - HEY! It's FIT motherfucking FINLAY! Why is he needing help keeping these two choads apart- like he couldn't just beat the living breathing dogshit out of anybody in the entire building if he wanted to. Seeing Fit Finlay is a little depressing to me actually. Its just that whenever I see him, I remember how no one brought out the stiff version of Willy Regal out until Finlay walked into WCW with half a shoulderpad and kicked him in the mother fuckin' mouth just for fun. Then I look at Regal now... Vince is funny being the broadest possible cheapheat-machine. Hokie Okies? What next? Beer Belly Rednecks? Insecure-Born Ratsoup Eating Motherfuckers? I think the next one in the list is yellow belly sapsucker, I would have to consult with Michael Hayes first though to see if Fruit Booties has moved into the insult-a-fan lexicon. Hulk's neck is all leathery and wiggly and layered- so it's like my Aunt Alice if she was even more unduly tanned and had much smaller breasts. I get the urge to hug Hogan and he has a sudden to give me a nice piece of sponge cake. I can't stay mad at Hogan, he's all like the cool grampa who takes you out on the boat and listens to Hendrex and tells you stories about pressing 1,000 pounds of Andre the Giant over his head with one arm while everyone looks at him and says, "Sure Gramps, Why don't you tell us the one about how you won the Gulf War against Sgt. Slaughter" knowing he's full of it but wanting him to keep talking anyway. - All that fabulous Man Ass is on display as they whip out Billy's SWEET SWEET BUNZ~! Kawada/Taue! JUMBO/BABA! MORTON/GIBSON! BILLY's LEFT CHEEK/ BILLY's RIGHT CHEEK! This was awesome, motherfucker. I look up, I see Billy ass. And I know somewhere DEAN~! is smiling contently............................... and jerking off. - Nidia is the evil stalker of Hurricane and they talk about Nidia and Hurricane doing the Donkey Dance at some point in the past. NIDIA IS A WOMAN SCORNED! HurriBITCH?!?! Damn, girlfriend, you gonna take that? Nidia explains that she has a boyfriend and Hurricane questions her morals and accuses her of having copious amounts of sex partners. Jamie Knoble starts beating the shit out of Hurricane and he is WAAAAAY too much fun as Nidia's peckerwood boyfriend controlled by her sweet sweet pussy. This is definately Heyman at his sleazy best. I just get this Brian Christopher vibe from Jamie and thats not a bad thing for me. I mean, if the guy can pull off the Memphis heel, its all good. He just has this thing where I already want to punch him, and if thats not a good thing, I don't know what is. By the way, does every set of tights the WWE have to look the same. Its like Justin Credible, Chavo and Jamie could all switch tights around and no one would know the difference. - Christian vs Valbowski was perfectly fine wrestling until Valbowski hits the shittiest lariats I have ever seen. Valbowski hits Yuji Nagata's Nagatalock and this stays above the Mendoza line. Christian selling the leg to set up Valbowski's sweet looking Towerhacker Powerbomb was nice. It was like three minutes and the Christian push is fading like my dreams of a successful porn career. Man, Christian has got to get some offence that doesn't start with a Reverse DDT position. It hurts him in these short matches when thats all he does. And man, I have like no hope of a push for the guy. Welcome to Jobber Town, population YOU... Might I suggest DEAN~! that if Ron Jeremy can be in porn, that even I have hope. - Edge wears leather pants as streetclothes? In Oklahoma City? In June? That's hardcore. Wait a minute. The Oklahoma crowd didn't say "WHAT?" at any point tonight. I THOUGHT I was less irritated tonight. Jericho beating the hell out of Edge for doing a SHOOT PROMO~! was a nice touch. I'm still convinced HHH walks around with his fists taped 24/7 just in case he has to throw down. Jericho took Edge to freaking school there and it had better set up some fuckining arm psychology in the matches or I'm going to sit there and take it! And I mean that too! - Hogan and HHH was kinda spirited. Hogan makes me guffaw with the double axehandle clothesline (WHAT?) They brawl around a bit and HHH keeps it good by doing a COMPLETE Ric Flair impersonation in the ring. The kicks, the chops, the bumps, the SWANK elbow drop, even the EXACT Sleeper hold from every Flair/Hogan match with flair kicking out his legs like that. Hogan hulks up and they do the exact sequence that Holly and Angle did less than an hour earlier with the Sleeper Reversal into a Side Suplex. Hogan looks PATHETIC hitting his pinning ritual. I was amazed that Hogan didn't kick out of the Pedrigree. Instead, HHH wins clean as a motherfucking sheet. I got no problem with hogan at all when he does THAT. The indie postmatch hug was annoying but it got worse as HHH fucks up his badassed character by posing like a dink with the idol of children. Thankfully, Angle and Undertaker run out and save HHH's career. POLISH HAMMER~! Ivan Putski must have called up Hogan earlier and been all ... polish speaking. That boot of Hogan's keeps getting lower and lower... I figure soon we'll have sweet chin music return to WWE. The posing was pretty sad, I just kept having flashbacks of The Ultimate Warrior and Hogan doing the same thing. WHAT DIDN'T WORK - though Jericho is becoming the Canadian Psicosis in his ability to take spectacular bumps when all else fails and makes Hogan eliminating him look all spectacular. The finish was fun in a completely goofy, contrived way to set up the Main Event. HHH's ability to pull a ham sandwich out of a hog's ass will gauge whether that Main Event makes the Worked column. Man, blow on Jericho and I'm pretty sure he'll go flying back 20 feet and make it look good. We aren't talking none of that Mr. Perfect comedic over selling neither. Jericho looks like he's been shot in the chest with a shotgun. - the whole story was going to go on and on until Lance convinces himself to try a powerbomb so Kidman could reverse it into a facebuster and we all laugh and laugh and laugh... It would have been a good time for me- the beloved reviewer- and you- the gentle reader- to bond and have fellowship together laughing at a foible of Billy Kidman's arsenal of moves. Of course, this would be the first wrestling match that Billy kidman has ever wrestled where he didn't demand that they do that spot so..... To hell with this match, it fucked up a perfectly fine cretinous set-up for a worn out joke. WE GET NO CLOSURE! I feel cheated. Its like Flair not going to the top rope and getting chucked across the ring. Kidman not not getting powerbombed is like not having milk to go with my Crunch Berries in the morning. - to further shit on the same belts that used to be worn DICK MOTHERFUCKING MURDOCK AND ADRIAN MOTHERFUCKING ADONIS. (Murdock and Adonis had the belts, right? Won it from the Briscoes? WHA?) I'm typing waaay more upset than I actually am. I'm pretty sure Adonis held the belts with Captain Redneck and Jessie Ventura or some such. But this whole title thing with Ricoshi has been a giant waste of time other than I get to write Ricoshi. RICOSHI. - Hey, Torie is gonna fuck Maven. They don't go to where all of America wanted this segment to go- a three way with Maven, Torie and the kindly nurse. Tajiri looks like Jack Lord as he arrives with the Hawaiian shirt and he makes those anime-styled grimaces as the nurses at the front desk talk about what a piece Maven is. This ALMOST works. I'm ashamed that Torrie is such a slut. I'm also ashamed she isn't enough of a slut to be interested in me. What the hell? YOU TOO GOOD FOR ME!?!? I HEART DEAN~! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 7, 2002 I've just eaten a steak and started on my second PBR (in CANS! Yes, it is the day before payday....) I watched hours upon hours upon hours of choice wrestling on tape from all over the world; I NOW WAIT FOR THE US CONTRIBUTION! I will change my pants now and await... Hey man, I got to ask, what do you do for a living that you can watch mondo wrestling on a Thursday. Granted, I spend most of my workday writing a column about something I hate in wrestling (cheap plug), but no one can have a job with less work involved than me. ---- DR: When you are as married with as many kids as me, you have all those hours to wile away watching wrestling that you used to use going out and having fun. WHAT WORKED - HEY! It's FIT motherfucking FINLAY! Why is he needing help keeping these two choads apart- like he couldn't just beat the living breathing dogshit out of anybody in the entire building if he wanted to. Seeing Fit Finlay is a little depressing to me actually. Its just that whenever I see him, I remember how no one brought out the stiff version of Willy Regal out until Finlay walked into WCW with half a shoulderpad and kicked him in the mother fuckin' mouth just for fun. Then I look at Regal now... --- DR: Fit's debut during the Regal vs Dusty Wolfe match may be my all time favorite WCWSN moment. Plus he had the mullet that you dare not mock! Vince is funny being the broadest possible cheapheat-machine. Hokie Okies? What next? Beer Belly Rednecks? Insecure-Born Ratsoup Eating Motherfuckers? I think the next one in the list is yellow belly sapsucker, I would have to consult with Michael Hayes first though to see if Fruit Booties has moved into the insult-a-fan lexicon. --- DR: Aw fudge, you got the great Bad News Brown "Beerbelly Sharecroppah!" sitting right there. I have screwed the pooch. - All that fabulous Man Ass is on display as they whip out Billy's SWEET SWEET BUNZ~! Kawada/Taue! JUMBO/BABA! MORTON/GIBSON! BILLY's LEFT CHEEK/ BILLY's RIGHT CHEEK! This was awesome, motherfucker. I look up, I see Billy ass. And I know somewhere DEAN~! is smiling contently............................... and jerking off. --- DR: I admire it in a MANLY way, not a gay way. MANLY. - Nidia is the evil stalker of Hurricane and they talk about Nidia and Hurricane doing the Donkey Dance at some point in the past. NIDIA IS A WOMAN SCORNED! HurriBITCH?!?! Damn, girlfriend, you gonna take that? Nidia explains that she has a boyfriend and Hurricane questions her morals and accuses her of having copious amounts of sex partners. Jamie Knoble starts beating the shit out of Hurricane and he is WAAAAAY too much fun as Nidia's peckerwood boyfriend controlled by her sweet sweet pussy. This is definately Heyman at his sleazy best. I just get this Brian Christopher vibe from Jamie and thats not a bad thing for me. I mean, if the guy can pull off the Memphis heel, its all good. He just has this thing where I already want to punch him, and if thats not a good thing, I don't know what is. By the way, does every set of tights the WWE have to look the same. Its like Justin Credible, Chavo and Jamie could all switch tights around and no one would know the difference. ---- DR: Naw, Noble has a crazed Southern heel thing going, and they should run with that. Of course, Hurricane is from North Carolina so he could do a perfect Southern face if need be. - Christian vs Valbowski was perfectly fine wrestling until Valbowski hits the shittiest lariats I have ever seen. Valbowski hits Yuji Nagata's Nagatalock and this stays above the Mendoza line. Christian selling the leg to set up Valbowski's sweet looking Towerhacker Powerbomb was nice. It was like three minutes and the Christian push is fading like my dreams of a successful porn career. Man, Christian has got to get some offence that doesn't start with a Reverse DDT position. It hurts him in these short matches when thats all he does. And man, I have like no hope of a push for the guy. Welcome to Jobber Town, population YOU... Might I suggest DEAN~! that if Ron Jeremy can be in porn, that even I have hope. ----- DR: I figured my problem was that I was hung like a Pez dispens... HOLD ON. - the whole story was going to go on and on until Lance convinces himself to try a powerbomb so Kidman could reverse it into a facebuster and we all laugh and laugh and laugh... It would have been a good time for me- the beloved reviewer- and you- the gentle reader- to bond and have fellowship together laughing at a foible of Billy Kidman's arsenal of moves. Of course, this would be the first wrestling match that Billy kidman has ever wrestled where he didn't demand that they do that spot so..... To hell with this match, it fucked up a perfectly fine cretinous set-up for a worn out joke. WE GET NO CLOSURE! I feel cheated. Its like Flair not going to the top rope and getting chucked across the ring. Kidman not not getting powerbombed is like not having milk to go with my Crunch Berries in the morning. ---- DR: I was going to make it SUPER-ELABORATE, like a five page story leading up to he Powerbomb- BUT THEY SCREWED ME! GODDAMMIT! DEAN. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 7, 2002 Dean: When HHH and Hogan were having that "pull-apart" and I saw Malenko and Finlay (or was that Billy Corgan?) run in, I got sad. Then I realized I have a big big box of WCW tapes, and can watch them any time. Otherwise, your ideas interest me, and I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter. Goodear: By the way, does every set of tights the WWE have to look the same. Its like Justin Credible, Chavo and Jamie could all switch tights around and no one would know the difference. You are correct, sir. Although when Lance Storm first came in for a brief moment they were giving him and Jericho identical tights and I got all excited for a second. The posing was pretty sad, I just kept having flashbacks of The Ultimate Warrior and Hogan doing the same thing. Well, HHH is turning into 'The Best Of All Possible Warriors,' so it's only natural. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
