Feel the Sweet Embrace of my DVDVR 137 emissions..

[Guest]

Here's everything I wrote for the Death Valley Driver Video Review #137 for you kill time at work reading.  For the Rippa and collaborative stuff, it's over yonder.

 

~!~

MICHINOKU PRO (11/4/2001) - PART ONE

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

Kendo vs. Pantera

I'm an idiot, just ask my wife. I can't figure out who would be the oldest between Pantera and Kendo, though Kendo used to be Black Man back when Jeff Amdur was living in Mexico. And Jeff is old enough to be my dad so I'm assuming Kendo is older. Lucha codgerdom is sure sign of ultimate ruleosity at this point in all of our lives. I think Kendo is Negro Navarro's great uncle because he is really rocking it on the mat and in the air in this until Big Daddy Time comes down from his throne on Mount Olympus and says, "YOUR BREATH! I WILL TAKE IT FROM YOUUUUUUU!" and Kendo blows up like a beachball, like an inflatable raft, like me trying to tie my shoes.... Anyhoos, Pantera looks game to make it a special match but Kendo has the empty tank- but has enough to hit his highspots. Pantera bumps aroond the ring for him as the exhausted Kendo can't take it the mat again. Pantera does the fabulous corner apron through two set of ropes catacornered tope that I love so much. Kendo them comes back with the peppiest ball-crushing double dropkick into the corner that you will ever see. Pantera- a gelding it seems- goes straight into La Tapitia. Kendo reverses it and tries to go for my 70 year old uncle giving my 70 year old uncle La Majistral but Pantera reverses it into an anklelock for the win.

 

Yone & Tsubo Genjin vs. Chi-Nen Hokkai/Pantera

The unretired Yone Genjin looks as unannoying as he ever has - what with him going all Lucha with Pantera before the comedy spots kicked in, allowing Yone and Tsubo probe the orifices of the Mexican legend and his partner, Chi-Nen Hokkai. Chi-Nen Hokkai is quite the Dusty Wolfe of MP but he does have little yellow pants with the DEATH RAYS shooting out of his Jiminy Winkie Area- as if to say, "I may not win this match, my Austropithican opponents, but I will take your cave bitches to the back of my Coupe DeVille AND FUCK THEM UNTIL THEY MAKE ME A BREAKFAST OF TWIGS AND SQUIRREL PELTS TOMORROW MORNING! GOT IT, CAVE-DWELLING MOTHERFUCKERS! GOOD!". Yone does the nastiest version of Damien 666's Shoulder-to-Shoulder Dropdown HOLD on our bald pasty lothario and it fucking rocks.

 

In the next match Tsubo Genjin bonks some kid with his caveman bone coming to the ring. That was the highlight. I'm in the Eternal chat and I try to lure Rippa into calling me to SYNCH up to the balls out James Mason vs Nishida match. So I turn of the tape player machine just as Mason enters the ring with his ultrafly sparkly Union Jack jacket. I will lure him into synching later.

 

~!~

 

RAINBOW FESTIVAL 2002 (1/20/2002)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

I'm not sure what the purpose of the Rainbow Festival was- I guess it had a cross-section of Japanese indie wrestling and had a slight array match styles I guess. There. You got your rainbow. ANNNNYHOOOOOOOZ...

 

AZUMI HYUGA/TSUBASA KURAGAKI vs. MICHIKO OUMAKI/AI FUJITA

Azumi Hyuga is all over every dirtbag promotion in Japan these days it seems- like when Tawny Kitaen was dating any cretin in a hair metal band back in the old days. Here our JWP castabout is tagging with Tsubasa Kuragaki against the twin towers of lesbianic ARSIONic spunk-bringing: Michiko Ohmukai and young Ai Fujita. Ohmukai will kick ya right in the back. She's good or anything, but she will kick you in the back. Not very smooth. Ai is all supernifty in this- as she and Azumi go to the mat to the sound of a thousand teenage squrty sounds filling the Japanese living rooms across the greater Samurai TV veiwing area. Kuragaki steals the Flair Flip In The Corner Spot and SKYROCKETS up the DVDVR Joshi 100 next time. She's not afraid to bump for being such a young lady reaching her womanly fullness. Ohmukai blows the Gory Special- a spot I've never seen blown. She hits two nice versions of two holds that usually look like shit- The Destiny Hammer and the Shining Wizard- so Ohmukai is a mixed bag as she pins the Reubenesqe Kuragaki.

 

ASIAN COUGAR/PIKO vs. IKUTO HIDAKA/RAN YU-YU

Meanwhile in the Kuroken Sportatorium, Asian Cougar and PIKO take on Ikuto Hidaka and Ran Yu Yu in a Maid For A Day match (I'm guessing here.) Fujita vs Asian Cougar is a good little match-up of the 02- as this is the third match-up I've seen betwixt the two. Ran Yu Yu is sporting the white off-broadway version of CATS outfit and it makes her look supersexy. PIKO takes her ass-beating like any good clown should. They kinda mix it all up in the beginning but after two edits, it's pretty much Cougar vs Fujita, but with nasty looking dropkick saves by the laaaaaaadies, so it becomes their singles matches but without as many kick outs. Fujita takes it home with a Dos Caras Spinning around the Body Jumping Headscissors Roll-up on young Asian Cougar, which I will always adore...

 

SUSUMU MOCHIZUKI/DARKNESS DRAGON/GENKI HORIGUCHI vs. RYO SAITO/KENICHIRO ARAI/SUPER SHISA

Toryumon serves up a fabulous little match, as Super Shisa is so much more fun than his prior identity as Saito. He is the Red Cat mask bedecked fireplug that heads the technico team along with headbutt boy Kenichiro Arai and fabulous matboy Ryo Saito. M2K brings the rudo love- what with Genki Horiguchi being the evil surfer too fabulous for words. Genki and Saito hit the mat early and it rocks then they go all lucha rope-running- like a good lucha match will. Susumu Mochizuki and Super Shisa go armdrag crazy and it's fun! Shisa takes a shot to the mighty mighty testicles from Susumu to get M2K on the Big O. Darkness Dragon is awesome in his stiffness as they carry the assbeat onto Ryo- doing the continuous tags in to do bodyslams. THE FRESH MAN IS ALWAYS IN! Ryo recovers with the cool double dropkick to two different knees on two different people. They do the Star to lead up to Super Shisa completely freaking out with the Reverse Skin The Cat Into A Hurricanrana. Then they do a highspot train with three missed highspots. DOH! Arai is so beloved because he is so Taue-like in his deliberateness and soliditiy. Super Shisa will become beloved because of his tricked-out lucha and fluidity, so you combine it with the best of both worlds- Ryo Saito- and you have a fine Trios team. Darkness Dragon is verging on superworker status and he and Genki make up for the deficiencies that Susumu has in execution- being the least of a really great stable- in that, if his selling was as good as his lariat, he would be really great as opposed to really good. Unbelievably, Arai takes the hit is pinned after Susumu's facebuster- as opposed to eternal Job boy Ryo. This is a good little match that lacked the fun and hijinx of this same match in Toryumon Proper.

 

KATSUMI USUDA vs. TAKAHIRO OBA

Katsumi Usuda from BattlARTS beats his trainee to death. Takahiro Oba looked perfectly fine in the beating of his ass- being suitably shootstyle, good switching to hardedged pro-style, selling the wrenched arm sockets and tough enough for the beloved BattlARTS RESTART~! FUCK YEAH!

 

TOMOAKI HONMA vs. MASATO TANAKA

Masato Tanaka bludgeons Tomoaki Honma in a battle of hardcore Japanese Iconz. Schneider hated this match but Schneider is an idiot. Despite him being an idiot, he made some valid points about Honma being a physical wreck and Honma's offense looking like complete shit. What he didn't take into consideration is that Honma can actually sell, which actually makes this a watchable match. Honma doesn't have the riveting introduction that he used to get in Big Japan but he's not wrestling the brilliant Yamakawa either, so the level of excitement isn't as high. Masato is on a gigantor resurgence the last couple of years and looks fucking great beating the life out Bloodletter Deluxe. They start out of the headlock and work into the 1/2 DiBiase-level Powerslam. Honma lariats Masato out of the ring and hits the Tope Con Hilo and the brawling begins. Masato throws Honma into a wall and blood spews forth. Honma then is Vertically Suplexed down a flight of stairs - A FLIGHT OF STAIRS!- as Honma will always go the extra mile. Speaking of which, Masato then Swinging DDT's him through a bunch of chairs on the floor. Then they take it back to the ring with ten punches in the corner- with Masato throwing his always fabulous punches. Then they go all RVD with a bunch of chairs and my love wanes a bit. It seems Honma is demoted to his Big Japan Junior status since being buried in All Japan because Masato gives him nothing and cuts him off immediately. Masato has the offense and Honma can sell really well, so this type of match can work on it's own merits but it is such a diminished return compared to what this match would have been if it had happened two years ago when Honma and Tanaka were on even footing in FMW and Big Japan. They kick out of some finishers and Honma hits a strangley very-protective non-Royal Road-level K-Driller and eventually succumbs to Masato's Kanyon Facesmasher and we call it a meeting of two deathmatch masters whose careers are deeply going in two different directions.

 

MITSUHIRO MATSUNAGA vs. YOSHIAKI FUJIWARA

I hate both Mitsuhiro Matsunaga and Yoshiaki Fujiwara. Here they wrestle each other. Matsunaga is a vision in barbed-wire- with barbed wire tiara and matching barbed-wire vest. The barbed-wire miniskirt he sports is a bit too hardcore androgenous for my tastes- which is saying something. This is basically an old guy comedy match billed as deathmatch. IMAGINE MY DELIGHT! And then Mr. Pogo shows up. My delight is "off the charts" as masturbating-To-Xena-styled dorks would say. Luckily, for me, this goes on for 65 minutes- if the clock in my head is right. I am too delighted with the amazing display of plodding pro wrestling and carefully placing each other in

barbed wire things or not stabbing each other with fencing foils to comment any further. I wouldn't actually say this is better than Kawada-Taue vs Kobashi-Misawa 95. No I wouldn't.

 

ATSUSHI ONITA/GREAT SASUKE/HIDEKI HOSAKA vs. SHOJI NAKAMAKI/ HIDO/ MASAYOSHI MOTEGI - Scramble Bunkhouse Street Fight Death Match (hey that's what the Lynch list said)

The main event is a Onita Pro Main Event- which is so not anything you would ever want to when compared to the Onita Pro Always Fascinating Undercard. This does have some odd historical facts associated with it. Great Sasuke and Masayoshi were both in the 1994 Super J cup- the mostly highly regarded Junior Tounament in the histroy of wrestling. Hido was in the best garbage deathmatch on US soil when he and Bull Pain tore it up last years IWA-MidSouth King Of The Deathmatch. Atsushi Onita used to sell-out entire baseball stadiums. Hosaka was vastly improved in the waning days of FMW. Shoji Nakamaki has always sucked and here he FINALLY gets to suck while wearing shiny pants. Luckily, Sasuke goes after Motegi so it starts off with a fabulous Asai Moonsault by Sasuke. Onita and Nakamaki brawl in the shittiest fashion imaginable- with the no-selling of chairshots while they wander around the auditorium. Hido and Hosaka are fun by keeping it simple in the ring with the ladder spots. Motegi and Sasuke are far better brawlers than their 24-7 Brawler Counterparts. Selling is pretty key to any aspect of pro wrestling, but selling while brawling is the most important, I would say. Sasuke sells going back first into a ladder. Nakamaki looks up to Onita to look for the next called spot immediately after falling into a table. Sasuke gets the Craziest Fucking Thing In The Match Award by sticking his head through the middle rungs of the ladder as if to spinning around like a helicopter with the ladder being the helicopter blade, but Motegi sees him and sneaks up and Released German Suplexes Sasuke WHILE SASUKES HEAD IS STILL IN THE LADDER. It was beautiful. Plus you had the Sasuke Tope Con Hilo onto Motegi on the ladder. God, Sasuke is feeling it for such a crappy batch of shit going on around him- what with him hitting all these hurting toprope sentons and whatnot. I wanna see Motegi vs Sasuke in a deathmatch. Onita kinda unceremoniously hits two Thunder Fire Powerbombs on Motegi and pins him. Postmatch, Onita yammers on about something and pounds on the mat and Mr Pogo runs in and something I'm sure. The Sauke vs Motegi parts of this were good. The hido vs Hosaka parts were okay. The rest was ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.

 

Not enough good indie sleaze to recommend. Nope.

 

~!~

 

MICHINOKU PRO (11/2002) PART 2

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

James Mason vs. Hideki Nishida

James Mason comes out in the fabulous glittery Union Jack jacket, covering up his suitably grotesque ring outfit- a gloriously horrendous almagam of greyish blue, red and black- looking more like a 1982 high school gym coach than a wrestler. Nishida is in cammo and I am filled with hate for the loss of the tassels. He has replaced the tassels with balls to the wall matwork, so I can only be so upset. Mason and Nishida trade armbars and blur Mexican/English on how to reverse it in the most elaborate way- into chanceries, rolls, cartwheels, kip ups, wristcontrol rollthroughs, stump puller arm agony- THE WHOLE MAGILLA. They finally get to a stalemate and the crowd responds, then the bell rings and we now realize that they are using the rounds system- which rocks. Mason with the standing Drop Toe Hold into a cravate attempt on the mat, but Nashida spins out and goes for the Toe Hold, but Mason spins out. Mason goes superBritish with the Armlock wher you pick you opponent up at the wrist by his locked and extended arm. And then

he wrenches in and does it again but Nishida hits a sloppy roll-up to escape. Mason gets a Cravate and Snapmares him into Crucifix Roll up for two. Nishida tries for a Rear Toe Hold Thing and hits a flying Spin kick as Mason escapes.

Nishida dropkicks him on the ground and goes for the Arena Coliseo Preposterous Lucha Submission as the time of the round runs out- thus showing the beauty of the rounds system, the added ways to escape a finish. Nishida and Mason fly

into some super goofy Ode To Johnny Saint sequeneces leading into five rollups in 10 seconds. They hit the ropes and again they go into a roll up sequence but Mason ends up on top for the three after the first Nishida reversal is reversed

again. This was really neat. Nishida is n master on the mat and to hang with Mason's fucked-up mat style is quite a feat. Mason did a good job of getting Nishida through the more excessively esoteric sequences that only five people on

earth would know how to work at this moment that are currently wrestling. Wrestling should be fun. This was fun.

 

Chad Collyer vs. Shinzaki

Chad Collyer takes on the "invisible in the new millenium" Shinzaki. A.K.A Chad Malenko keeps it pretty basic as they start with a nice section on the mat to get to a stalemate. Chad kicks in with the strikes that Shinzaki coundters with

a kick to the windpipe. Shinzaki catches two knees when going for an Avalanche and Collyer goes on offense with a Reverse Ace Crusher for two. Shinzaki hits the nice Enzuguiri while Irishing Whipping Collyer and takes him to the mat with a Cravate which he turns into an Inverted Triangle Hold. Collyer finally makes the ropes but Shinzaki misses a Five Fingers Of Death to the throat, Chad kicks him in the throat and hits Vertical Suplex. He goes for the Northern Lights Suplex but Shinzaki blocks it. Shinzaki hits the ropes but takes a Powerslam. Shinzaki escapes a Vertical Suplex attempt and catches Collyer's foot during an Enzuguiri and hits his supernasty Ankle Dragon Screw. Collyer powers out of a Powerbomb attempt and cinches in the Texas Cloverleaf. Shinzaki hits the ropes and goes straight into his pinning ritual- chop to the throat/ Shoulderblock off the top/ stuff powerbomb for the win. Perfectly okay wrestling I guess.

Completely emotionless and no actually story is told. Oh wait. That means this sucked. There ya go - this sucked, but in the most insidious, least-obvious way.

 

Gedo/Pentagon Black/Dick Togo/Psychic vs. Great Sasuke/Masao Orihara/Devil Man/Tiger Mask IV - Elimination Match

Orihara and Sasuke and Gedo and Jado are fussin and a-feudin! Psychic is aligned with Gedo and Jado! Yes he is. The Gedo and Dick Togo tagging looks completely balls out and fills me thrills me with unknown terror never known before.

We get to the Main Event and I am suitably torqued. Psychic is led out and he is wearing the food service hairnet thing and the work release orange jumpsuit. Devil Man looks like the lost Inhuman- maybe a romance with Medusa went wrong. Maybe this isn't the main event because Devil Man hits a blockbuster and a German to win the match in 24 seconds. OH WAIT! It's an elimination match! Awesome! Here comes Gedo and he is a peck of fun beating the crud out of Devil Man- finding new ways to apply the lowblow. Sasuke comes out and Gedo responds by punching Devil Man in the face somemore. Sasuke goes craaaazy in the beating of Gedo and makes me completely freak by doing the DIBIASE-STYLED SIDE FISTDROP~! Sasuke rules! Devil Man takes over as it becomes and tag match (I'm

guessing) until Dick MOTHERFUCKING Togo comes in. Togo and Sasuke are magic- and Dick Togo looks fucking great. He is a laserbeam of sheer rudo power. Dick has trunks with a giant skull on his dick and I freak out. Togo is such the motherfucking KING. TM4 comes in and is absolutely king-sized until DICK TOGO crushes his testickles like two little bugs. Pentagon Black is greeted with the Flying Body Press by TM4. Gedo is busting up Devil Man and Dick Togo is being as awesome as he can possibly be, beating the poo out of Sasuke. Orihara starts cleaning house until Dick and Gedo go all Southern Heel on his ass. Sasuke and Orihara make the face comeback while Gedo and TM4 fight into the bathroom. Sasuke is eliminated by Pentagon Black - who uses a Tombstone on the belt to put him away. Pentagon and TOGO start ripping Orihara apart as Devil Man keeps trying to make the save, always being thrown out of the ring- as a sort of Blue Body Suit-wearing Gene Ligon trying to keep the Moondogs from killing Cruel Connection #1 after the match is over. Dick is all high impact, killing Orihara's knee and this is suddenly a regular six-man. I'm guessing they gave out a Rules Flowchart as you walked into the armoury. They keep working on Orihara's knee, continually cutting off Orihara's comebacks and running across the ring and punching DM and TM4 in the mush. Gedo hits the Superfly Splash on Devil Man. Dick hits a Pedrigree and then misses on a GIGANTIC toprope Senton. TM4 and Orihara bust up and eliminate Pentagon. Did they win? I guess so. All hell breaks loose - with Sasuke killing the living fudge out of Psychic with gigantic over the Toprope Somersault Senton to the floor. Odd match because the

rules were kinda made up on the fly it seems. Either way, Dick Togo is the fucking king.

 

This is good. There are thousands more MP tapes that are better than this, but Dick Togo and Gedo permeate the tape and the Mason/ Nishida match is good. Yeah sure. I'd recommend seeing this.

 

~!~

WRESTLER OF THE WEEK - DAVEY BOY SMITH

Davey Boy Smith vs. Dynamite Kid - Calgary - Stampede Wrestling (1982)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

This is from those Stampede Classics tapes where they usually join them 25 minutes in of a 30 minutes match so all you get is two guys laying around selling 25 minutes of damage that you didn't get see- thus you don't become emotionally connected with the match. The vq is QUESTIONABLE on this- my very old tape- and it was actually to my advantage- because I was going, "When this Bret Hart vs Dynamite Kid match is over, it'll be the DBS vs DK match I need." DBS punches just like Bret Hart here- which is neat. Smith would take a big bump before he became the 15th consecutive posterboy for the steroids can kill you before you kids get out of elementary school awareness drive. Here they cut to just before the ref bump and Davey flies over the top and does a very athletic counter into hitting a nasty looking Belly to Back Suplex for the win. Why they didn't show all of these matches is deeply beyond my comprehension.

 

Cuban Assassin/ Jerry Morrow vs Davey Boy Smith/Dynamite Kid - Calgary - Stampede Wrestling (1988)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

This Cuban Assassin ISN'T David Sierra so I'm less stoked but the fact that Jerry Champagne Morrow is going by Comrade Jerry Morrow makes up for the lack of a young Sierra. This is when the Bulldogs were completely immersed in steroids and are three times their natural thickness. DBS is still pretty agile at this point, as he hadn't become completely

muscle-bound though he is doing the strongman flying kickout spot but he also hits a nice double dropkick. Morrow sells a DK piledriver like a king and then takes the DBS powerslam and they start editing the match. They get to this

awkward spot where Dynamite backdrops Assassin onto Morrow and they just kinda up and walk out on the match, giving the Bulldogs the win but not the titles. You forget how annoying the booking in Stampede was until you break out the old tapes. Their commercial tape editing is almost as annoying.

 

Davey Boy Smith vs. The Cobra - Stampede Wrestling (1984)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

I'm assuming from what I can gather: Cobra is George Takano and he was one of the most underrated Juniors from the 80s. Ed Whalen is wearing an amazing tie and blathers at length. Cobra's mask is beuatiful and they join in at the 20 minute mark -because they HATE YOU. I didn't realize that they hailing Cobra from Pakistan- thus possibly making him a prototype of the kind of free agent headhunter that Caracchi Vice would bring in six years later. Cobra kicks off with an odd falling backwards Bodyslam. Davey Boy powers out of Powerbomb, maybe? DBS cartwheels out of monkey flip attempt. This is kinda like where DBS should have tried to stay- sizewise: where he was big enough to do credible powermoves, but still light enough to do great highflying. DBS procures the chinlock and they work out of it from there. Cobra hits the floor and then goes low during a lock-up and goes on offense, hitting the second rope senton. DBS with the back elbow and they miss two elbows and dropkick and they hit the double clothesline finally. It has the look of neither speaking the others language. Cobra goes up top and misses a diving headbutt. DBS answers with the Lingering Vertical Suplex for two. Davey Boy Smith Running Powerslams Cobra too close to ropes for two. He ties Cobra up, but Cobra escapes and Davey Boy does the Calgary Stampede Signature Double Testicle-Crusher Missed Dropkick through the Second and Third Ropes. Cobra comes alive here, throwing some really great punches before running Davey into the ropes, but Davey jumps into a beautiful Crucifix and gets the pin. Not the best Cobra match you will ever see. Those would all be against Dynamite Kid in Japan, but this match gives you a good gauge of what Davey Boy Smith could do earlier in his career before he became a pretty one dimensional power wrestler.

 

Young David (Davey Boy Smith) vs. Ironfist Clive Myers (1980)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

The best thing about this - other than the super tricked-out British matwork and insane pace - is the golf tournament call of the announcer. It makes it all so classy. Young David starts from a headlock and Myers hits the double arm suplex for two. David and Myers do the Johnny Saint-like weird-ass reversals until Myers Snapmares Smith and Smith runs up the ropes and sprawls out and rolls up Myers for the first fall. The commentator is so fucking great as he describes it as if it were a really fine putt of the 14 hole at Augusta. The Second Fall starts with Myers doing a NICE German Suplex that Davey Boy Smith counters out of as he does a Granby Roll into the ropes. Myers gets a single leg takedown and they do the weirdass Ankle Lock Spot where Myers has DBS in a standing Ankle Lock but DBS grabs Myer's closest ankle keeps pushing Myers far ankle out farther and farther until it starts looking like Jean-Claude Van Damme between two chairs. Clive is stuck but Young David gets up and helps him up - as this is like every thing you never see these days - face vs face, friend vs friend, scientific wrestling and yet you never want to pass out from boredom. They hit the ropes and you can see where Great Sasuke got his superfast roperunning style- from the British, not the Mexicans. It is fucking great and superfreaky and is ended when Myers hits the hiptoss on Young David for two. Myers gets the Single Leg Takedown and they do the comical lucha legspreader spot. They work out of a knucklelock and it goes all over the place - rolls on the ground for reversal, sideways, upside down until Myers gets the knucklelock version of the Gorie Special and you are soooooo in love with fucked up British matwork by this point. Myers drops it into a pinning predicament and gets a two. Back to a vertical base, Myers starts doing all these cool ass armbars. Young David does the same but Myers catches him with David's own arm between legs and yanks him onto his back. David with a sideslam for two and Myers goes in a chinlock David fights out and shoots him into the ropes for another sideslam but the bells sounds for the end of the round. David starts the third round with wrist control but Myers monkey flips out. David with the snapmare but Myers jumps over his head and then jumps backwards over his head and does a Miguel Perez Double leg underhook roll-up thingy to get the second fall. Third Fall starts with David procuring the armbar fro a vertical base and Myers does an armdrag out of it for two. They do a roll-up sequence and David takes it to the with a kneebar. Myers does the super cool inexplicable lock counter to roll up Davey Boy. David gets a haedlock and they do all these leg things to try to get control. David spins but Clive gets David in a pinning predicament and they do this fast as shit roll out into a bridge into a monkey flip into and bridge into a monkey flip into a roll-up and YOU- YOU!- are freaking out with love at this lost wrestling style. Actually, T2P is all about this so we should call this a "re-discovered wrestling style". Myers hits a nice Butterfly Suplex for two and the round is over. the commentator has been fucking ruling it this whole time. I should have hipped you to it. He calls the match as lowkey as possible so that when they is any change in voice modulation, you feel the excitement. It's sorta like Kawada showing emotion- you know it means something. They start the sixth and final round with a (I counted) ten reversals into roll-ups in about 9 seconds. David goes for a Butterfly Suplex but Myers powers out into a backdrop while still in the Butterfly Position and lands right on David's face- knocking him cold. Myers is awarded the match but refuses to accept it out of sportsmanship. This is like wrestling from another planet in every aspect. And I mean EVERY aspect. No hyperbole, no punches, no angles- just really fucked up matwork and triple the normal workrate. I need to fly to this planet and live there. I also think it is really odd that Davey Boy Smith was hipped to all the mysteries and matskills of the Snakepit guys and never really used them in any of the matches I ever saw him in anywhere else. Sad really.

 

Jumbo Tsuruta/ Yoshiaki Yatsu vs. Dynamite Kid/ Davey Boy Smith- ALL JAPAN PRO WRESTLING (5/24/89)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

More of the All Japan Classics from 1989 as I can't believe I've has THIS tape forever and never watched this match. Dynamite looks like Anton Levay with the cropped hair and the goatee. Yatsu also looks evil in his goatee I didn't read his autobiography so there's no self-admitted pattern of astounding and remorseless prick-like behaviour to gauge against. Plus I doubt that Dynamite Kid would start a wrestling promotion as cheerful sounding as Social Progress Wrestling Federation. Davey Boy and Yatsu start it off after a double shoulderblock by the Bulldogs. DBS makes with the headbutts and Yatsu hits the floor. Jumbo is concerned but doesn't go in the ring yet. Yatsu takes DBS to the mat and they end up at a stalemate as Dynamite scowls at them from the corner. Jumbo tags in and he and BDS do a lot of "Boy, Davey Sure Has Ingested Enough Steroids, Hasn't he?" spots where he powers out of the Jumbo Full Nelson. Dynamite tags in and hits the Snap Suplex on Jumbo and it fucking rules. Jumbo opts for the keylock into a Crucifix, but DK keeps bridging out until he escapes. DK tags in DBS and Jumbo works on the arm until DBS reverses it and starts working on Jumbo's arm. DK tags in and works on the arm some more. Jumbo HIGH KNEES TO OFFENSIVE TRANSITION and he and Yatsu bust up DBS real good. Yatsu has motherfucking GREAT punches and the corner slugs to the jaw get the crowd on their feet. DBS and Yatsu trade chops and DBS is selling it like a king- getting all pissed and bowing up like a redneck and everything. Dynamite comes in starts the proper assbeating of the irrascable Yatsu, so Yatsu tags in Jumbo and starts SMASHING DK's head with forearms. DK tags out and he and DBS trade forearms and I'm starting to DEEPLY love this match. DBS runs into a Jumbo Size 15 and Stereo High Knees to the front and back of DBS are in full effect. Yatsu latches on a standing Figure Four and hits a powerslam to re-apply it when DBS escapes. DK makes the save the second time with assorted punches to Yatsu's face. DBS tags out and DK throws Yatsu onto the floor and into the rail. Jumbo looks concerned and throws Yatsu back in FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING NAAASSSTY looking Harley Race Falling headbutt square on the face of Yatsu and I'm DEEPLY DEEPLY in love with this match. DBS tags in and works on Yatsu until Yatsu reverses a corner whip and then hits a Bulldog for two. DBS reverses being thrown into the ropes and does a Gorrilla Slam to set Dynamite's Diving Headbutt from the top to Yatsu's stomach for two. Yatsu makes a comeback by hitting an Enzuguiri and tags Jumbo who follows up with a super fat ass High Knee to DK mush. Jumbo takes some swats at DBS and piledrives DK for two. DBS makes the save and sends Jumbo out and then posting him once they both get to the floor. DBS slaps on an stump-puller armbar but Jumbo powers out and Irish Whips DBS into the corner. Jumbo charges, but DBS moves and Jumbo does the full-on Psicosis bump into the ringpost shoulderfirst. DK tags in and does a supernasty looking keylock. DBS tries the Anderson Brothers Body Slam While the Arm Is In A Hammer Lock but Jumbo pusses out and they go back to the arm. Yatsu finally breaks it up but DBS goes for the Lingering Vertical Slam. DK comes in and Lariats and Elbow Smashes Jumbo. DBS gets Jumbo into another Hammerlock and charges Jumbo's sholder into DK's head. Jumbo ducks at the last minute and the Bulldogs knock noggins and Jumbo gets the flash pin. This match is fucking great. The ending is way too comical, but this match is fucking great. The story is pretty beautiful. Yatsu tries to take them on by himself and does a pretty good job until he is overwhelmed, but it took enough out of them for Jumbo to hold his own for a while. Then the Bulldogs got an opening and started working on the arm of Jumbo until it looked like Jumbo was finished because Yatsu is basically fried. Then the Booking God's said, "Give us a HILARIOUS ENDING to counteract all the hatred and stiffness..." and there you have it.

 

~!~

SINGLES GOING STEADY

~!~

 

GEMINI KID vs MICHAEL YAMAHA - TEXAS DEATHMATCH - CAROLINA WREESTLING FEDERATION (3/23/2002)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

We alluded constantly to the Statmark Carolina Pimpin tape in the beloved and behated DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW #135, but the Crown Jewel of the tape was never mentioned and I figured I would review it here because it is absolutely motherfucking fabulous Professional Wrestling done where God always wants it to happen- in

Armouries in North Carolina. It's North Carolina so the crowd cheers Yamaha because he is a face and boos Gemini because he is a heel. The crowd is smart enough to set up half the psychology of the match so the actual wrestlers have free reign to make this as high tech as they want- and they pretty much get as much out of the Texas Death Match gimmick as anyone has a right to. You know the rules, after every pinfall, you have thirty seconds to answer the bell. Gemini Kid is a great heel, threatening to beat folks asses after the match is over but his main obstacle in the wrestling world is getting the crowd to get over the fact that he physically looks like that guy in the marketing department that always comes in asking for help with his laptop becfause he can't get his e-mail to work, except Gemini has far less

upper-body development. Gemini convinces the crowd early of his ring credibility by doing things everyone in the crowd can't do (which is what ring credibility is- how is this person different than me sitting in the chairs at ringside, which is why Japan and the WWE love gigantic people- they automatically look different that those who paid to watch)- like an extended armdrag sequence capped off with a nasty bump to the floor. Yamaha is just as small, but he has the build that could be "polished" into WWE shape if the need ever came up. Gemini has the Hildebrandt Problem of being a really

great wrestler without physical credibility- but the late 90s went a long way in changing fans perceptions of what they consider credible thus making room for Gemini Kid in 2002, as opposed to what Brian Hildebrandt experienced-

being a ref when he wanted to be and was fine wrestler. The beauty of North Carolina is that if you are enough of a dick, they don't care what you look like. They just want somebody to beat the shit out of you. That makes the physical problems of Gemini Kid disappear. The first pinfall is out of the Every Texas Death Match Ever blueprint- the fall off something that would usually not be a pinfall: the toprope crossbody after two dropkick sequences, but you gotta build off something, so this is a good fall to set the pace. Yamaha tries to go back to highflying for a second pin by Gemini dropkicks his knee and starts wrenching Yamaha's knee with Twisting Kneedrop on the Knee things that made you first fall in love with Dean Malenko back in ECW. He then does the Flair Kneebreaker Sequence because Gemini Kid motherfucking rules it. Yamaha gets a hope spot when he eludes a toprope kneedrop to his knee attempt by gemini. Yamaha limps to the top and misses a splash - allowing Gemini to procure the STF and Yamaha taps out for the second fall. The fact that Yamaha escapes more injury by tapping is important in the psychology of the match later. Meanwhile Yamaha is selling his knee like a champ and Gemini is right back on it, kicking away. Yamaha gets a takedown and turns it into a Scorpion Deathlock and Gemini taps to escape. Yamaha is now selling the knee like a KING- making the facials of Face Desperation and the Carolina crowd responds. Selling connects with the audience. The selling tells the story that the crowd understands- Yamaha's knee is fuct and Gemini knows it. Gemini makes it to his feet at 28. Yamaha limps over and hits the Minoru Tanaka Jumping Roll into a Cross-Armbreaker but Gemini keeps his hands together and makes the ropes. Yamaha sells his knee while being thrown into the corner and Gemini goes for an Oklahoma Stampede that Yamaha reverses in mid-air into a Spinning DDT but Gemini kicks out at two. Yamaha

punches him in the head and runs him into the ropes. Gemini reverses it and gets Yamaha in the Gorie Special that he takes into Mutoh's Calf Branding (Indian Deathlock With Bridging Facelock) for the fall- with Gemini refusing to release the hold to address the escaping the damage aspect- which is fucking MASTERFUL wrestling psychology. Yamaha is kingsized doing the facelike thing of struggling to his feet as fast as possible instead of using up his 30 seconds. Gemini is a great dickish heel so he swarms on his knee as soon as he is up. Yamaha fights out of suplex attempt and hits his own, heading to the toprope. Gemini catches him and hits the Superplex for three. Both sell the damage like there was a maniac firing buckshot into the ring from the crowd, but only Yamaha has to make it to his feet. Gee Star makes her presence known by bitchily nailing Yamaha in the knee with a chair while he is trying to make it to his feet and Gemini is holding the ref by the shirt, trying to get up. Neither make the thirty count which shouldn't matter because Gemini got the pin but they gloss over this for some reason, as I'm guessing the first kick out was the way it was supposed to be setting up to the thirty count. The Commissioner says over the PA that it's a Texas Death Match- there can be no Double Elimination. They both make it to their feet and and the crowd is screeching. Gemini tries to set up the Lyger

Driver with the butterfly underhook, but Yamaha lifts up and has Gemini in perfect position to just fucking CRUSH Gemini the a Reverse Gorie Bomb. Gemini sells corpselike and Yamaha makes it to his feet before collapsing again and thus wins this beautiful example of how fun a professional wrestling match should be. The selling in this was fucking awesome- as Gemini kid has shown that he has all the psychological aspects of wrestling down and has the even trickier Southern Heel aspects down, but Yamaha's selling was what made the match work as well as it did. This is beautiful.

Track down Statmark and get this whole fucking tape.

 

Shane Douglas vs. Tully Blanchard - ECW "Double Tables" (2/4/95)

(by PHIL RIPPA)

I left this match off the last review because - well - I don't really like either of these guys. Especially Tully Blanchard in 1995. I also didn't mention that a lot of these matches where on the Double Tables show that had the RSPW convention on it. I didn't pay too much attention to the crowd to spot people - except the guy who looked way to much like Vampiro. The best was that this shows that Paul Heyman really hated the internet as he made all those suckers sit through Douglas/Blanchard II. This isn't the 85 hour contest that people had to suffer through but at nine and a half minutes - there was plenty of suffering on my end. Tully is all like "I am a preacher now." and Shane is all "I am a teacher." and Tully is like "I got fired from the WWF" and Shane is all "So did I" and Tully is all "well, I got busted for the drugs", to which Shane is all "Bitch, please. Everyone's gotten fired from the WWF for drugs." Tully gets all know you didn't and tells Shane "I was in the 4 Horseman" and Shane is all "I hate Ric Flair and that's a shoot." Tully takes the moment to educate Shane on the fact that Shane was also a Dynamic Dude and a Filthy Animal. That makes Shane gets all Tell me you did not just say that?, a vein bulges he yels "SHUT UP BEFORE I JUMP ON YOU BITCH!" and it just goes downhill from there.

 

Toshiaki Kawada vs. Kenta Kobashi - ALL JAPAN PRO WRESTLING (7/1/89)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

Kawada is still in full high-flyer mode in 89 and he is far more kenetic and spunky- as opposed to deliberate and stoic. Kobashi is barrel-chested and wide-eyed and only has one knee-brace. The start the match off trading knee bars.- with Kawada doing the fun harbinger of ass-stompings to come: the kicks to Kobashi's back to get out of said kneebar. Kawada backs him into a corner and brings tha leathah to the chest of Kobashi but Kobashi bulls him back out of the corner and starts working on Kawada's leg again. They do the mutual kneebars for a while until they spin around and around and around and hit the ropes like two alligators fighting over the same hunk of raw chicken. Kobashi goes back to the leg bar after the rope break and Kawada kits the ropes. Kawada is continually cut off by Kobashi- the final time with a Dragon Screw, but Kawada finally gets some effective kicks to the head and a spin kick and baseball slide. Kobashi hits the floor to set up El Kawada hitting the Running Piscada. Kobashi sells it more than he sold all of the Released Germans combined that he recieved in 1999. Kawada welcomes him into the ring with a big Brainbuster and some stomps on the back into a Romero Special. Kawada further reaches back into his lucha roots with the Senton. And then hits the German with a Bridge. Then they smack each other a lot until Kawada starts working on the leg. They run the ropes all fast with Kobashi getting a crescent kick at the end that he follows up with an Unreleased Somoan Slam with a Bridge. Kobashi does the fruity Catty Corner Crossbody Blocks and hits a fabulous German with a Bridge for two. Kawada comes back and hits a Front Spinning Crescent Savate Kick after Kobashi shoots him into the ropes. Kawada follows up with a Lariat and then Kawada seals it with a beautiful Dragon Suplex. This was a perfectly fine wrestling match and it was neat to see how much Kawada stopped doing when he adopted the Kawada The Guy Who Kicks You gimmick - but it also what is wrong with the whole Royal Road style: the entire match means nothing until

the finishes kick in and the finishes have no relationship to anything prior in the match. I guess the Royal Road style produced so many great matches because they actually sold all the finishers for a while before the equation for victory

got too preposterous. This is two midcarders so the finishers section doesn't take up 85 per cent of the match like it would later when they got promoted to the main event. It was a flawed style and it took all the inestimable psychological skills of Misawa and Kawada to make it viable.

 

EAGLE PRO CRUISERWEIGHT TOURNEY - 7/23/2000 - KAW*KAW vs Tomoya Adachi (Zipang)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

I am KAW-KAW! i am a little bird..... feel my axe-handles. fly as i throw you into the chairs.... must fight.... must fight poop must fight urge to poop in the ring.... ican wait i can wait. you adachi have the yellow suit of a canary. canaries are cowards and hardly worthy of even being eaten by the mighty kaw*kaw... i will crush your head with my thighs. adachi is more wily than the cowardly canary and uses his headstand his headstand his headstand to survive my massive thighs. awwk awwwwwwk awwwwk he is greabbing my head! he is grabbing and SQUEEZING my head! awwwwwk awwwwk he will pay! he will pay with his life! i will first peck him with my head! i will peck him again! owww owwie owww! that hurts my head! ow ow.....i will stake him out in the corner branches and claw his face as i run and kick him! i am free! i am free now! watch me fly! watch me fly! i'm flying! ow adachi grabs my wings kicks me in the gizard and tries to fly but lands on my plump succulent breast instead. i will beat him with my wings. BEATING BEATING! i will fly off the corner branches and claw him with my talons as I swoopp on him. i will swoop again! awwwwk awwwwk he moved! he moved! he's grabbin my giblets! he's grabbing my giblets! he's grabbing my giblets! i have lost. i have lost i have lost! i will always hate adachi! i will always hate adachi! i will always always always always always always always hate adachi! i will always hate adachi!

-------------------------

DEAN RASMUSSEN

[Guest razazteca]

You watch too much John Watabee tapes, that Eagle Pro review gave me bad flashbacks of that hip-hop wrestling show Urban Pro and the even worst FMW commentaries.

 

I will have nightmares for days now.

[Guest]

You watch too much John Watabee tapes, that Eagle Pro review gave me bad flashbacks of that hip-hop wrestling show Urban Pro and the even worst FMW commentaries.

 

I will have nightmares for days now.

I... I... I blame myself....

 

DEAN.