DS Retro Raw Rant

[Guest nWoScorpion]

-Show opens to Vince Mcmahon narating the Steve Austin/Dude Love Match, as he bad mouths Austin, and gives concern for himself after Dude Love smashed him in the head with the steel chair and Austin counting the 3 with Vince's unconcious body.

 

-WAS Live from the Rosemont Horizon in Chicago, IL.

 

-Your Hosts are Good Ol' J.R. and Michael Cole-slaw.

 

-Dude Love is in the ring already, so I guess it is a sit in. Major boo's from the crowd for him right now. He lost his teeth, cracked his face and lost the match. He admits stone Cold kicked his ass. He states he made a mistake by listening to the wrong people. He calls out Mcmahon, who has no music yet. Dude trys kissing ass but Vince isn't buying it. Vince calls him a miserable failure as a superstar, and as a human being. He wants him to get on his knees and apologize.

Mick explains he won't be embarrased by Mcmahon on Television in front of his kids watching at home. Vince strikes a blow saying he's an embarrasment to his entire family. Mick gets upity. Mick says he enjoyed when he nailed Vince in the head with the chair last night. Vince dares him to do it again and Mick starts to take him up on his offer, but doesn't after Vince rubs in his face about how if he does he won't have the money for his childrens education, and his new house, and for the money he's saving for his parents. Vince is yelling at him to hit him with the chair by now. Vince goes on to say his Services in the WWF are no longer required, a.k.a your fired. Man Cole sucks on the mic. vince rubs it in by dancing in front of him.

 

-Droz pukes on Kevin Kelly and Animal rubs in he puked on his shoes.

 

-Chicago Street Fight:

The Legion of Doom (Hawk & Animal) & Darren Drozdov (w/ Sunny) Vs. D.O.A (Chainz, Skull, 8-ball):

When they say street fight they mean it, cause they are wrestling outside the arena. D.O.A sneak up on them on they're bikes. Well Chainz does. The others attack from behind and Animal gets tossed into a wall. 8-ball hammers everyone with a can while Droz & Chainze fight. Hawk throws a twin into the wall and kicks his ass. Just a big cluster fuck. Hawk with a garbage can to 8-Ball and he continues choking him. Animal kills Skull with agarbage can and Chainz pounds Hawk. Animal makes everyone eat can and Hawk hammers a Twin with a Steel Chair. Hawk trys killing Skull with a lead pipe but misses. Hawk pics up a chain and hammers with skull with it and 8-Ball attacks him from behind with a chair. Animal takes out a twin with a garbage can like a psycho while Droz choks chainz. Chainz knoks out animal with the same garbage can and a metal pipe. Undertaker shows up and throws Chainz inot the wall kicking his ass, then pounds on Droz and beats him ntio the wall to end the match in a No contest discision at the 4:00 mark. *. Just a big brawl, but fun to watch. Sunny scream almost the entire match so that gets annoying.

 

-Val Venis Vs. Papi Chulo:

This is only the 2nd or 3rd match of Val Venis on television, so I can't make out if he is a heel or a face. Venis with a sex inuendo. Chulo would end up being Essa Rios in later years. Chicago has alot of uglies, but a FEW goodies. Venis attacks from behind and stomps him. Shoulderblock and elbow combo by Venis and he does a little waiste movment. Double underhook Suplex by Venis followed by a Camel Clutch while he waves his fany. Snap suplex by the porno man and a stiff boot to the face. Venis with a irish whip and clothesline. Chulo with a springboard cross body is blocked and is slammed for his troubles. Venis gets nailed by Chulo a bit and Chulo gets killed by a running clothesline, but an elbow misses. Chulo with a spinning heel kick and dropkick but a cruxifix is blocked with a fallaway slam. Venis signals for the end and ends it with the Money Shot at 3:36. 1/2*. Squash City Baby. Much like how the bulls killed The Utah Jazz.

 

-The Undertaker comes out for some promo time. Damn it. Taker is pissed off at Vince Mcmahon. Some 10 years ago when he first arrived Vince was known for somebody that would give someone an oprotunity, even if they were different, like himself, meaning the Taker. He shoots I think as he says he was the slayer of the dragons. Meaning every Giant, Freak, that his champs couldnt beat and UT was put against them, and he beat them all. Taker rubs in he is a 2 time former WWF Champion. Niether of them reigns lasted very long though. Sounds like today. Taker shoots how everyone (cough:hogansavagebret:cough) left for WCW. He says Vince forced him to fight Kane. It's all about the ratings to Vince Mcmahon. Wow this is deep. To make a long story short, Taker asks for a World title oprotunity, so Vince comes out and tells him he will compete in a #1 Contenders Match tonight, well that night, and that very ring, against KANE. 2 good promos on 1 show, wow surprising.

 

-D-X commercial selling super Soakers as they shoot on a camera man.

 

-King of the Ring Qualifying Match:

"Lethal Weapon" Steve Blackman Vs. "Marvelous" Marc Mero:

Mero debuts Jacqueline tonight, whoopee. We take a look at sable losing a match vs. Mero forcing her to leave the WWF, of course, we all know where that went. This years brackets are as followed.

 

KEN SHAMROCK

GODFATHER

 

MARK HENRY

TERRY FUNK

 

FAAROOQ

JEFF JARRETT

 

STEVE BLACKMAN

MARC MERO

 

VADER

THE ROCK

 

TRIPLE H

X-PAC

 

DAN SEVERN

DLO BROWN

 

SCORPIO

OWEN HART

 

Back to the match, Mero cheap shots Blackman with a succesion of punches. Blackman with a bunch of kicks. Blackman runs through a bunch of crap. Blackman rams Mero's face into the map on several ocasions. Side Backbreaker and more punches by Blackman. Snap suplex connects and a running bicycle kick gets 1. Mero low blows blackman hard and connects with a samoan drop and the Marvelosity for the win at 2:55. Cole dumbass he is says we havnt seen that in years, when he did it 2 weeks ago. <cocks gun and shoots cole in the nose>. For the match, DUD.

 

-Clips of Stone Cold on some radio station show and Vince calls in, wow, a work on the radio, what's next, Football?

 

-Edge Promo, basically his titantron video up until he turned heel in 2000.

 

-6 Man Tag Team Elimanation Match:

D-Generation X:

Triple H, Road Dogg Jesse James, "Badd Ass" Billy Gunn

Vs.

The Nation of Domination:

The Rock, Owen Hart, D'Lo Brown:

D-X is still way over. Lawler THANKFULLY replaces Cole for the 2nd hour. Lawler says he is why the Spice Girls broke up, haha. Let's get ready to suck it skit, hilarious. Kama at this point was bouncing between the names Kama Mustafa & The Godfather every week. X-pac acts like a dick, and I hate him. All non-participating team members are barred from ringside. HHH starts with Brown and puts the boots to him in the corner and tells Rock to suck it. dlo fights back but runs into a running knee. Road Dogg with a snapmare and gets funky with a kne drop. D'lo with a spinebuster for 2. Road Doggwith an eye poke and Billy come sin. Gunn with a nice piledriver elimanates Brown at 1:31. Rock in now and he gets raked. Dogg in and he gets a series of armbars and head locks in, but Rock ends that with a clotheslin. Road Dogg with the jabs but runs into a Rock Bottom and pinned at 2:24. The Hiragashy ot whatever is the Rock Bootm in other countries. Gunn in and he hammer sRock. Scoop Slam and elbow drop and HHH tags in. He and Billy trade off and Owen with a blind tag nails a missle dropkick for 1. DDT by gunn and he tells Owen to suck it. Owen dodges a corner rush and scores a heel kick for the pin at 3:47. HHH is teased to fight both men as usual, since it ALWAYS happens and Chyna comes out as we go to break. Back and Rock with a slam for 2. Both men put the boots to Hunter and Owen scores aneckbreaker and elbow drop for 2. triple H with a sunset flip for a 2.Owen with a gutwrench suplex and Rock tags in. Make a wish by the Nation and Rock punchs HHH down. HHH fights back but runs into a elbow. People's Elbow time only for 2 back when it WASN'T a finisher. Knee to the face and HHH nails the Pedigree to put Rock away at 10:06 (with commercials). Owen in and he gets booted. Both mens lug i out. Shamrock out of no where nails Owen, for the DQ at 10:41. Shamrock has snapped and hammers Owen. Belly to Belly Suplex to a HUGE pop and Shamrock take sout the nationwith help from Dan "The Beast" Severn who pounds on Owen & Mark Henry. they have a staredown but Severn just leaves. HHH comes in and confronts Shamrock for costing him the match and they get into a scuffle. Match was good, so I'll say **.

 

-Backstage Vince makes a dela with Paul Bearer & Kane.

 

-King of the Ring Qualifying Match:

Faarooq Vs. "Double J" Jeff Jarrett (w/ Tennessee Lee):

Tennessee Lee was Col. Robert Parker in WCW, manager of the Stud stable, with Arn anderson, Bunkhouse buck, Meng and Terry Funk & Dick slater on other ocasions. Southern Justice debut a.k.a The Godwinns. Oh My God this is SO bad. Henry & Phinieas are now Mark Canteberry & Dennis Knight (their real names I think.) Jarrett attacks Faarooq to start and gets caught with a face buster to the buckle. Irish whip & Powerslam by Faarooq but he misses a headbutt and Jarrett works in more punches. Faarooq with a closeline and snapmare. Foot choke in the corner by the ex-NOD leader.

Jarrett with a back elbow, big boot and a Clothesline followed by aslam. Elbow misses and Faarooq with his own slam and a leg drop for 2. Faarooq with a suplex for 2. Jarrett fights back and gets caught with a spine buster. Southern Justice sitract Faarooq while Jarrett nails him with a belt for the win at 3:22. 1/4*.

 

-Vince Mcmahon humanitarion video or some shit.

 

-WWF-Light-Heavyweight Championship Match:

Taka Michinoku © (w/ Bradshaw) Vs. Sho Funaki (w/ Kai en tai):

Taka tosses Funaki to the floor and nails a SWEET springboard Moonsault off the top rope. Funaki in and hits a series of BUTT-butts. Funaki runs into the buckleb but puts to boots to Taka. Al snow is dressed as a japanese person outside. Taka with a hurricanrana and he choopy choopy. Funaki gets nailed with a asayiem ( i odnt know the spelling) moonsault on Togo and Funaki.  Taka back in and nails a snapmare and dropkick to the face. Taka puts Funaki to the buckle and lands dropkick, but a missle dropkick misses. Al snow has some fun with japanese photograhers. Funaki with a fisherman buster and elbow off the top rope misses. Taka with a dropkick off the top rope to the back of the head and the Michinoku Driver for the win at 3:17. **1/2. Bradshaw chases of Yamaguchi-san afterward.

 

-Kane & Paul Bearer comments on something I can't bare to listen to.

 

-King of the Ring Qualifying Match:

Terry Funk Vs. "The Worlds' Strongest Man" Mark Henry:

Funk is using the Cactus Jack theme. Lockup and Terry with a series of chops. Funk with a neckbreaker for 2 and kickout with authority. Funk with a face rake and more chops. Funk gets hardcore with a chair but misses a moonsault off the top orpe to the floor, kinda and hits part of Henry & the steel barricade. Mark Henry with a slam for 2. Another Body Slam gets 2 for Henry. Leg Drop gets another 2 count. Big Splash ends it though at 4:55. 1/4*. JUST A SLOOOOOW MATCH.

 

-Steve Austin comes out to do Commentatry with Vince Mcmahon and the Crew.

 

-Main Event:

#1 Contenders Match for WWF Championship at King of the Ring:

The Undertaker Vs. Kane:

Taker hammers his brother to start and the ref gets scared shiutless. Kane with his own furry in the corner but Taker nails a avalanche and hits Bearer a bit and back to pounding Kane. Taker with the rope walking clothesline to the shoulder and neck. Kane catches him by the throat and chokeslams him followed by a elbow. Kane with a short arm clothesline and he throws Taker to the outside. Taker eats the steel post and back to the ring. Kane with a thrust to UT and they both slug it out. Kane with a choke in the corner. Austin says vince isnt worthy enough to kiss his ass. Taker with a series of roundhouse rights but Kane stops that with a powerslam and chop to the throat. Taker and Kane put boots to each other more. Taker gets the leg up but walks into a big boot. Running elbow misses and Taker sits up. they exchange rights and Kane with a knee lift. Clothesline misses and Taker with a chokeslam to hell. Russian Leg Sweep by the deadman and a scisscors leg drop gets a 2 count. Ref Bump oin the corner and Taker with the tombstone piledriver, but there is no referee. Mick Foley come sout as Mankind and locks the mandible Claw on Taker and Taker fights if off by guilotining him. Clothesline to Kane and he nailks Mankidn again, but walks into the tombstone piledriver, and Kane is #1 Contender at 6:26. *1/4. Kane has made it to main event status finally, and honestly I was ruiting for Kane to win the Title. Kane & Austin have a staredown as the show ends, with Kane imitating having the belt around his waiste and settinbg off the fire.

 

-Mankind & Undertaker fight and Taker basically kicks his ass as the show comes to an end..