Ask The Dictator!

[Guest]

They're ignoring you, Baron of Entertainment. Might want to take the sub-name request to the "How Do I...?" board. Better yet, send a moderator a personal message or get our own Baron of Labor to change it.

[Guest]

From the desk of the Commandant of the Nessun (clears throat) Dorma:

 

Crowds of onlookers watched with glee and awe as members of a Nessun Dorma strike team engaged in what was released to the masses as a "training exercise in surgical targeting".  The team managed to devestate a targeted residence  without damage to any of the surrounding residences.  Cobra gunships armed with miniguns, 40mm grenade launchers, and rockets swooped into a residential area in a mid-afternoon exercise to provide covering fire for incoming troops.  A platoon of an elite Nessun Dorma force than fast-roped from arriving helicopters and, armed with automatic shotguns, hand cannons, and AK-74s, then moved into the house to "clear" it of any "hostiles".  After the team came out of the house and was evacuated, the Cobra gunships than destroyed anything that was upright on the property (the house, trees, shrubs, etc), the area was then napalmed, and the earth salted.  The crowd erupted with applause at the skill and precision of the strike team.  Rumors that the house belonged to the Lord of Foreign Policy were squelched by the strike team commander, who informed the crowd that the Lord had changed residences permenantly and had donated his house to the Nessun Dorma for the purposes of training.  A few of the onlookers said that the could clearly see people being shot inside the home, told they were huillucinating from all the excitement, and were personally taken to Nessun Dorma headquarters for "treatment".  After a few days, said onlookers were released, thoroughly convinced that they had seen nothing out of the ordinary.

 

Respects to all of the heads of state,

  The Commandant of the Nessun Dorma

[Guest]

Something tells me that I spelled "huillucinating" wrong.  Damn.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Something tells me that I spelled "huillucinating" wrong.  Damn.

Indeed, it's "hallucinating"...

[Guest]

I have returned. After a well fought battle and a noticible struggle by the foreigners, Europe now belongs to our glorious leader Kotzenjunge. The land is yours.

I would like to address several things at have commenced in my absence.

1. The arrival of our glorious first lady. Surely she shall bring a sense of ballence to our changing society. My troops are at your disposal.

2. Slickster. You will NOT order my troops to go anywhere. They are under the order of myself and Kotzenjunge alone.

3. The idea of a Matriarchy. No. If this happens me and my troops will be gone.

4. The introduction of a decent MTV channel. Thank you, I thank you very much.

That said, I am happy to see that our country is runing smoothly. Any other lands that need to be taught a lesson? My troops are at the disposal of our leaders.

[Guest]

In cases where Homeland Security is the issue at hand, Overlord Slickster will have provisional control over 1/5 of the army of the State.

 

Europe belongs to Goodhelmet, I promised it to him to keep him on our side, as well as making him King of California. I have no idea where his palace (built as usual by slave-labor certified former Republicans and conservatives) will be.

 

Commandant Intimacy Goblin, I am allowing you to silence the family of RobStone, who have been making a ruckus since his execution. The Department of Justice is also to search for evidence and materiel to explain his statement upon his firing of "I was wondering when you were going to do that." He may have been plotting subversion to be conducted from outside the Party, so investigate any resistance groups you may have simply heard rumor of. Report back with results.

 

Minister SupaTaft, use your resources now to simply shore up our defenses. We have expanded far in a short time, and we need to stabilize our borders before we pursue further conquest. I don't trust the Orient still, even though we're on good terms with them.

 

Speaking of good terms with foreign countries, we STILL need a new Lord of Foreign Policy.

[Guest]

I am going to take this opportunity to affirm that NO ONE is going to present a gift in my name.  No one.  And with that, Kotzenjunge, I present you with the new model 797 Boeing Jumbo Jet as your personal aircraft.  Equipped with all the latest air-to-air defenses and countermeasures, this baby is a god among aircraft.  And, being that you are Maximum Proconsul, you can name this one whatever you want (In my opinion, Air Force One seems a little bit outdated, and suggestive of the old, poorly functional system of government.)  Enjoy!

[Guest]

Gee, thanks! I needed a personal aircraft. It should be interesting when I order the pilot to engage in evasive maneuvers for fun. Hope everything's bolted down!

 

Air Force One is a tad outdated. It's still pretty neat, and just hearing it conjures up images of power and such. I like the name Rogue Leader or Executor. Actually, Executor it is.

[Guest]

Score, an airplane! I'm taking the "Executor" to Ireland. Peace out everyone.

[Guest]

Um, what about me? I wanna go too!

[Guest]

What kind of position can a man as handsome as I am hold? I'll admit that I can bring very little to the table, but I am spectacularly good looking.

 

Let me be your puppet! If there is news from on high that may be popular with the masses, I will break it to them gently with silver tongue and stunning features. I will do whatever needs to be done!

[Guest]

Hmm. Look over what positions we have left, or we could just make you head of the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want to Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too.

 

I have a beef with good-looking people, since I am not one myself, but since you are willing to join, and by joining allow me to have control over your State actions, I will overlook your genetic makeup.

 

Think of some position you could occupy in the Cabinet. There really is no office too silly to be established.

[Guest]

To massivHEDtrauma, I'd like to add that I have attempted to establish a '70s-early '80s punk only station before, but the artists that would be represented, being TRUE punk rockers, have voiced their opinions against such crass commercialization of their product and our government.  For daring to question the government and my actions through actual utilization of free speech, they have been summarily executed.  Terribly sorry, but that's how it goes.

That's a point I hadn't even thought of. Damn stupid self-defeating punk dogma.

 

Surprisingly, I'm not too pissed about the executions of the punkers, though. Most of them (the good ones) are already dead anyways. So...beh.

 

Oh Jingus, by the way, thanks for the institution of the better MTV. At least my efforts had some good come out of them.

[Guest]

If this Incadenza guy is as spectacularly good-looking as he says, and if he truly is willing to have the State thrust its mighty hand up his ass in the manner of a puppet, I have an idea. Me and Jingus, using our combined prowess, could use his handsomeness and push him to the top of pop culture, a sort-of all-encompassing star. He would make music, act in movies and television, perform in whatever capacity we would demand.This would be a good thing because, as we would completely control him, and as he would become the most recognizable star in both the State of America and the world (aside from the Maximum Proconsul, of course!), it would be a good reflection on our government. He would act as a perfect citizen in our new government, thusly setting a good example to the general public, most of whom do look up to celebrity society in one way or another.

 

What does anyone think?

[Guest]

Ahem, he is not allowed to overshadow the First Lady either. I like the idea. He can star in Triumph of the Will 2011.

 

You like the idea Incadenza? Your title will be Celebrity of the State.

[Guest]

Perfect! I accept and gladly so!

 

Question: Will my health insurance cover so-called "cosmetic procedures"? I may be young and pretty now, but age can be a harsh mistress.

 

Scratch that. I shall be immortal! Yes, I will start by impregnating the world's most beautiful women, so that we will have our own army of beautiful children who will grow into beautiful adults. Or you can just clone me if you don't want to run the risk of having too many beautiful people.

[Guest]

We have the folks in Cuba working on the cloning as we speak. Breed at your own discretion.

 

You're the State Celebrity. Everything is free for you.

[Guest]

You're the State Celebrity. Everything is free for you.

 

Cool. I'm off to have a three-way with Kirsten Dunst and Tyra Banks. Call me on my cell if you need anything.

[Guest]

Okay, I have decided that we need a State Internet Guru, one who can rid the State's internet of pop-up ads, pay-per-porn(little name I made up for porn sites that make you PAY), and sites dedicated to television shows or movies or fan clubs that haven't been updated in the last two years.

 

This was all prompted by a pop-up advert that asked me if I wanted to date some lovely Jewish single people. I have nothing against Jewish people or single people(LOSERS! Me calling them losers=IRONY~! ), but I really don't want to have to face the emotional roller coaster and deep thought that is involved in such a decision as to whether to date this nice blonde(!?) Jewish girl on this advert.

 

Just thought I'd share that I thought of an office that can help everyone who has had to visit 1wrestling.com or any other pop-up heavy site, porn sites that promise free access but ask for a credit card anyway, or a seemingly nice Dragonball Z site that hasn't been updated since the show's initial run in syndication.

[Guest]

Incadenza, before I officially ask you to change your sub-name to the infinitely superior "Celebrity of the State," what is the whole Rain Dog thing about?

 

With that out of the way, the State would like you to change your sub-name to Celebrity of the State.

[Guest]

Alright, I am back, now I am only going to make one post in this thread, and then I will leave you all alone.  The thing I wanted to say was that no one could acually take a joke, and everyone was real quick to sell me out once I was booted.  I wanted to thank you all for that.  That is all.

 

--Rob

[Guest evenflowDDT]

This was all prompted by a pop-up advert that asked me if I wanted to date some lovely Jewish single people. I have nothing against Jewish people or single people(LOSERS! Me calling them losers=IRONY~! ), but I really don't want to have to face the emotional roller coaster and deep thought that is involved in such a decision as to whether to date this nice blonde(!?) Jewish girl on this advert.

Great Kotzenjunge, I don't suppose you remember where you found this pop-up advert, did you?

 

evenflowDDT = lovely Jewish single person

 

By the way, how can you say you don't like good looking people... what about the First Lady? At the risk of getting out of line, sir, I'd certainly call her good looking.

[Guest]

Incadenza, before I officially ask you to change your sub-name to the infinitely superior "Celebrity of the State," what is the whole Rain Dog thing about?

 

With that out of the way, the State would like you to change your sub-name to Celebrity of the State.

 

The "Rain Dog" subname is due to the fact that I am a huge Tom Waits fan, and Mr. Waits released a wonderful album in 1985 called Rain Dogs, a title which was adopted by his fans to describe themselves.

 

As for actually changing my subname, that is out of my hands. I'll put in a request with the Board Moderators and hope they will comply.

[Guest]

Of course it's in their hands. When I ask someone to change their name, I really mean for them to ask for it to be changed.

 

That pop-up was on this board, believe it or not. I had nothing else Internet-related open. It just appeared in the lower right of the screen.

 

I meant good looking males!! If pursuing a mate was like in nature, I'd be screwed. I am very aware the First Lady is attractive, that's why I married her!

 

And Rob, preface terribly hateful statements with "only joking," something to that effect or say afterward that you weren't serious. I was ready to relieve you based on your conduct on the No Holds Barred board anyway. Ask around, they know it was going to happen even before the hate-crime travesty.

[Guest]

(Perhaps this subject has already been addressed amongst these 200+ posts, but I am asking now)

 

Question: Given the largely leftist leanings of the State's leaders (which I applaud, by the way), is it appropriate that we call ourselves a "fascist regime?" Fascism is reactionary by nature, so would that not make us closer to Republicanism and--GASP!--Nazism (same difference)? Should we not take a more Communist approach? I call for hardcore socialism if has yet to be called for!

 

Of course, I am just a puppet for our regime's needs, so feel free to ignore any or all of the above.

[Guest]

Ech hem, I've said it before, and I repeat...

 

NAZISM DOES NOT EQUAL FASCISM!!!

 

In other news, duh. We're aware that we're quite liberal in the State of America, and that we call ourselves a fascist State. But to point out such a flaw would be to ignore the fact that we have employed a Chancellor of Frightening/Offensive/Disgusting Matters, have someone called a Maximum Proconsul in charge, and actually have a State-supported Celebrity of the State.

 

To note those things would also be to ignore the glaring fact that none of us use our real names, yet speak officially.

 

I forgot to answer your question. The idea is that once we have implemented our measures, there will no longer be any change, because we will keep our measures in place by force. Therein lies the conservative element.

[Guest]

NAZISM DOES NOT EQUAL FASCISM!!!

 

I know, you big silly!

 

Thanks for catching me up to date, though.

[Guest]

NEWSWIRE: JUNE 17TH, 2011:

 

WASHINGTON -- Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge declared a state of war to be in place with another thread, called "Ask Rob!" on the basis of being mentioned in comparative terms with the glorious "Ask the Dictator!" thread, now popularly known as the coolest and most superior thread around, the thread of the State of America. Few details are available, but the Office of the Proconsulate has stated that no actions will be taken until a conference with the Czar of Propaganda, Overlord of Homeland Security, Minister of War, and Commandant of the Nessun Dorma can be arranged. Assistant Proconsul Kinetic has been whisked away to a bomb-proof bunker at an undisclosed location, for fear of retaliation and to keep the Proconsulate alive even if the worst does occur and Washington is wiped out. The Chancellor to the Proconsul is away ruling Europe at this time.

 

More on this story as it develops.

 

(Associated Press of the State of America)

 

Men, this could not have come at a worse time. Our wunderkind Czar of Propaganda is away in Charlotte attending a Ben Folds concert that EvenflowDDT set up and I personally told him to turn off all ways to reach him, because he deserved a break. Overlord Slickster has been absentia for two days. Only Minister of War SupaTaft and Commandant Intimacy Goblin are available at present time that we know of.

 

In short, we need someone to infiltrate the "Ask Rob!" thread and make him look like a general fool with your questions. I expect someone outside of the Party to do this eventually, but since he mentioned us by name in his opening post, this means war. We are NOT a run-of-the-mill advice or questioning thread. We are the STATE OF AMERICA!!!(jets fly over and eagles crow while spreading their wings)

 

Our scientists in Cuba are baffled as to how Rob is still alive, despite being executed by the Nessun Dorma. We think it may be the special injections we give all Cabinet members that pretty much guards them from poisonings or lethal injections in case an assassination is attempted in such a manner. The injections were overlooked when he was thought to be executed, and it turns out all we did was just knock him out for a day or so.

 

Either way, he cannot try and compare himself to the STATE OF AMERICA!!!(jets fly over and eagles crow while spreading their wings)

 

Use caution, men. This is not a flaming board. Make your comments and jabs calculated and precise. Let him do the flaming himself.

 

That is all for now, the STATE OF AMERICA!!!(jets fly over and eagles crow while spreading their wings) is now in a state of WAR. May the physical and chemical laws that govern this Universe be used to our advantage.

[Guest]

Kudos to Duke of Sporting Events Treble Charged for making America a quarterfinal World Cup team. If you can motivate them into the Semifinals against Italy(yes, I'm predicting that), you get to be Lord of Foreign Affairs. If you can get them into the Finals, I'll have SupaTaft invade Australia so you get your own private continent. And if we win the whole shebang... I don't know. You get Executor.

[Guest]

You know I said I wouldn;t reply but I just want to clear something up.  I do not wish to compete with you and your group.  You people are fine doing what you are doing, please don;t see that other thread as compitition, I really do not wish to get into arguements on this board anymore because to be quite frank, alot of people cried about me voicing my opinion, so now I am censored and very much pc.  Thank you, that is all.

 

--Rob