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...:::The following announcement is brought to you by the Abbey Party:::...

 

      The Secretary of Justice, Justsoyouknow, has decreed the following: all police departments are to answer directly to the Abbey Party. Furthermore, the term "Police" has been removed from the vocabulary of all citizens of the State of America. The new term for "Police" shall be "Nessun Duma", derived from the Italian phrase, "No One Sleeps". Under the new direction, this branch of law enforcement shall focus less on domestic affairs, and will focus entirely on bringing enemies of the State to Justice. Domestic affairs will only be attended to when specially decreed by the Secretary of Justice himself, after deliberation with the Maximum Proconsul himself. Any and all retaliation shall be met with the swift deployment of The Nessun Duma. Thank you for your time, and remember....

 

Don't judge a book by it's cover....that's my job.

 

Secretary of Justice

Justsoyouknow

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Well, they're already standing on street corners looking out for people who wear visors. Also, I am allowing the maintanence of the term "police," in order to differentiate it from the Nessun Duma, which will be kept a secret, yet obvious enough of a "secret" to deter enemies of the State.

 

This situation is free to deliberation by the entire Cabinet.

 

(And the catchphrase is GOLD. Good way to make the seemingly dull title of Secretary of Justice work through an awesome go-home line.)

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The best way to keep the general public under control is to both distract and frighten them. I propose we do this through entertainment.

 

My plan is to take over the national news broadcasts. The government will take direct control of both CNN and MSNBC to create an amalgamation entitled PNNN (People's National News Network). Personally utilizing this super news station, I will promote human interest and political stories in order to spin them in favor of the Abbey Party. All other news broadcasts will be filtered and purified through a council assembled by myself and approved by the Maximum Proconsul.

 

Part of what will make PNNN news so credible will be that all of the top reporters that currently work for CNN or MSNBC will be working for us. Everyone has a price, and it will be my job to find it. But in the highly unlikely incidence that someone refuses, I will use my small army to politically kill whatever power the said dissenter has (through some sort of a frame-up). Then, working in accordance with the Secretary of Justice and his Nessun Duma, I would have them imprisoned or assassinated. Thus the cycle would repeat; I would have a golden story about betrayal from someone in our own midst, someone of worth in the consciousness of America, frightening the masses into wondering who amongst them could be working against the government, and it would cast the Nessun Duma in a very heroic light. The people would wonder how someone like Geraldo Rivera or Connie Chung could get into so much trouble - and, indeed, if it could happen to them then it could certainly happen to anyone. Therefore, were someone such as Geraldo Rivera or Connie Chung to fight our power, they would do nothing more than perpetuate and strengthen the public's view of our greatness.

 

But that is not all I have in mind for the Nessun Duma. I propose that I use the PNNN news broadcasts to glorify whatever the Nessun Duma is doing, in turn glorifying whatever the government is doing. This means that I would present the Nessun Duma as both a political AND domestic police force within my broadcasts, even though they only handle political matters. How could this occur? Simple: using my own small army, I would plan hoaxes and tape them for the news. My people would be trained to do this sort of thing, working with highly paid special effects experts and stuntmen cum government emloyees. I would stage terrorist bombings, serial murders, plane hijackings, bank robberies, etc., etc., and have them all thwarted by the unstoppable force that is the Nessun Duma. My people will work in the shadows and no one will know of them. And if anyone is stupid enough to betray us, take what would happen to Geraldo Rivera or Connie Chung and apply it here.

 

No matter what the Abbeys may be doing, everything will be spun so that it looks like we are protecting the State of America. If we are invading Russia, I will stage a Russian hijacking of a new and powerful nuclear warhead to justify it. If we are passing a new law prohibiting anti-Abbey literature from being published, I will frame a proprietor of such things as a serial rapist and child molestor. Anything is possible when you control perception, and I will apply this truth at every turn.

 

In short, crime and dissension would go down and approval ratings would go sky high. And no one would be the wiser.

 

At least that's what I think. What does everyone else think?

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As long as the Baron of Entertainment and Chancellor of Frightening/Offensive/Digusting Matters work to erase all records of PN News, WCW wrestler of the early 90s, so as to cut down on fun made of PNNN News, it's all good. I don't pay you enough.

 

(Yes, I know I said I was going to bed, but the new mail sound woke me up, I had my computer turned up loudly without me knowing it.)

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Can I be secretary of foreign policy?  I want to deal with the other puny nations that we will eventually plunder.  And then force them into one sided trade agreements so we can have fine imports.

 

--Rob

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(signing papers) Done, and done! We've got the following important-sounding names available:

 

Kaiser(which we're trying to avoid due to Nazi comparisons)

Tribune

Councillor

Grand Duke

Grand Poobah

Guru

Master

Chairman

 

Okay, you can force treaties and stuff(with the help of the Ministry of War of course), but the fine details as far as trade goes will be left to our Secretary of Commerce, which we need now that I think about it.

 

Anyways, you're in. I expect a full statement of your foreign policy cornerstones and how to deal with Europe in the touchy first five years of power.

 

(and I'm really going to bed this time, dammit! I've got bowling to do tomorrow!)

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Well I figure after we take over canada, in 3 months I think the plan is, we will have their lumber for trade.  We keep a good relationship with the europeon union for 4 years while forcing msaller countrys like mexico to basically export all of their beer to us for little to no supplies.  As our factions stronghold grows, we can muscle many smaller nations to do the same with other exports  as well.  I think we need a good relationship with china because being a communist faction they lean more towards us than republics, and they are a strong ally with over a billion people residing.  After the first few years, we should be so dominant that we can basically take over europe.  If china is our ally we can just take out everything between us until europe is wiped out completely.  The end result will take more along the lines of 11-18 years depending on resistance.

 

--Rob

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Damn new mail noise, I really need to remember to turn my speakers down...

 

All well and good. Just remember that China is key and I have no problem with your policy. Keep in mind that all that "taking out" of other countries is left to Generalissimo SupaTaft and Baron of Entertainment Jingus(SOMEONE has to tell the newschannels to get their asses out there and supply us with entertainment). We must be wary with the Chinese however. They are not as one-dimensional as they seem.

 

Oh, and I kinda need to know what the hell to call you. That Title Pending before your name looks kinda odd.

 

(I'll wait a few minutes(read: ten), and then go to bed FOR REAL, DAMMIT! These speakers are getting shut off completely.)

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No problem. Sleepy Time. Oh, and tell Risk that you are now supported by the mighty State of America, and that messing with you means that he's messing with some powerful people. Since we can't always use the "The" in your title, I'm shortening it to Lord of Foreign Policy if that's okay, and of course it is, I knew you'd agree, because if you hadn't, I would have had you killed!

 

Kidding of course, I'm a nice dictator, my Cabinet though, eep. These will truly be worthy successors when I am gone.

 

(Night!)

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Hmm....I'm beginning to think that the Czar of Propoganda is a genius. I agree immensely with the use of the Nessun Duma to achieve political goals. Although in the beginning I believe that all they should do is bust possible enemies of the State, so then when I report on the goings on of the Nessun Duma, I can say, "Hey, did your old leader arrest people before they committed crimes?" Then we can snowball it into saying that I'm an anti-criminal mastermind, when in fact, it is all a ploy developed by massiveHEDtrauma. We can offer our services to other countries at a high rate, and when they hire us, we enter the country with the Nessun Duma and take over said country, thus annexing it for the State. If word leaks out that we are taking over countries, we can spin that into a good thing for the State, i.e. we can say that the countries could not afford to pay us, so we claimed the country as payment. We can't have people taking advantage of the State, now can we? I also agree on the domestic matters, but I feel they should be more of an elite guard....a standard issue street soldier if you will.

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As long as the Baron of Entertainment and Chancellor of Frightening/Offensive/Digusting Matters work to erase all records of PN News, WCW wrestler of the early 90s, so as to cut down on fun made of PNNN News, it's all good. I don't pay you enough.

 

(Yes, I know I said I was going to bed, but the new mail sound woke me up, I had my computer turned up loudly without me knowing it.)

"Done!"

 

::The Faces of Fear show up at PN's house, and it's obvious as to what happens to him::

 

rysare.jpg

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Guest J*ingus

After reading the lengthy arguments over national anthems, I feel I must say that while the Baron Of Entertainment has an iron grip over television, theater, movies, and pro wrestling, I hereby relenquish control over music to somebody else who knows more about it than I do.  (Just keep Tom Waits, Tori Amos, Lorenna McKinnet, and Metallica workin' hard and crankin' them out.)

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Okay, so we need a Councillor of Music. I would say allow Kinetic, but his duties as Assistant Proconsul may be too much. He may have it if he wants, unless someone else wants it.

 

Yes, Czar of Propaganda massivHEDtrauma is a genius. That's why I hired him. He's getting a nice new building, believe you me.

 

I'm waiting for a statement from the Duke of Sporting Events still. Treble Charged, Sport is very important in the State of America, we'd like to know what you're doing about it.

 

I have a person who wishes to be the head of the Nessun Duma, a fellow who is going to be registering here soon. His name? Intimacy Goblin.

 

That's all for now as far as business goes. I'm currently formulating my plan for how elections will work and how the Electoral College will be annhilated.

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Guest treble charged

From the office of the Duke of Sporting Events

 

Duke of Sporting Events treble charged will release a statement before the night is over.  That is all.  Thank you.

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I hereby enter the service of the State of America as Commandant of Nessun Duma.  Trouble makers will be dealt with swiftly.

 

I'm open for business!

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Guest J*ingus

Welcome aboard, Goblin.  One of your first missions will be to secretly infiltrate the corporate headquarters of Blockbuster Video, in order to capture their crack-smoking on tape.

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Whoah there, Jingus! The Nessun Duma is directly under my control! So cancel that order, Goblin! ...I...um....order you to infiltrate the Blockbuster headquarters and get their crack smoking on videotape! And remember, you answer directly to me! That is all.

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He is aware of to whom he answers. I have set him straight.

 

Oh yeah, notice what our good friend RobStone has done? He has amended his personal title to be his Cabinet office. Intimacy Goblin has asked to be called Nessun Duma Commandant(or something like that), and I am told that MassivvHEDtrauma(the Cabinet's greatest genius at the moment) is getting his changed to say Czar of Propaganda. If you wish, and for a better image of solidarity within the Abbey Party, you may change your personal title(or sub-name as some people call it) as well. I advise it more for people who don't have one already. Those who have had theirs for a while or have a particular affinity for theirs may keep it.

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My apologies.  Am awaiting further orders and am curious as to the boundaries the Nessun Duma has to work in.  What are its powers and (if any) limits?

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The Secretary of Justice, Justsoyouknow, is who sets the limits on the Nessun Duma, just as the Maximum Proconsul sets the boundaries for the Department of Justice.

 

Also, try directly asking a moderator through Personal Messaging for a change in sub-name/personal title if asking on the "How Do I...?" board doesn't work.

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Ok, here are my ideas:

 

Western Canada, with the Rocky Mountains, becomes the training area for skiers.

 

A large hockey complex will be built somewhere in Ontario.

 

Baseball will be practiced somewhere in the south.

 

A basketball complex will be built in the pacific northwest.

 

A football complex will be built in the midwest.

 

If there are any other major sports that I forgot, just let me know.

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NASCAR counts. It makes tremendous amounts of money and has incredible attendance figures. Find a big-ass place for a racing complex, including NASCAR, IROC, CART, and so on.

 

Oh yes, and the State of America will make the world rue the day they regarded soccer players from here as weak.

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Guest J*ingus

Treble, how 'bout a plan to keep close watch on all, um, "flashier" athletes to scout for future pro wrestling superstars?  You never know when you might trip over the next Kurt Angle.

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NEWSWIRE --- JUNE 13TH, 2011

 

The Maximum Proconsul of the State of America, Kotzenjunge, was wed today at National Cathedral to one BarelyThere, a librarian from Herndon, VA. The courtship was kept secret so as not to encourage the Enemies of the State to perhaps kidnap BarelyThere or use one of their outings as an opportunity to assassinate the Maximum Proconsul.

 

Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge(real name: Patrick Spoon), 27, and new First Lady BarelyThere(real name: Erica Thorsen), 26, have known each other for a year and a half, and have been engaged for three months. The wedding dress of the bride is said to have been the most expensive and with the longest train in history, even outclassing that of Princess Diana in 1982. The Maximum Proconsul wore a very classy black tuxedo with a longcoat, black tie, and blue vest.

 

The Maximum Proconsul has delegated identical powers to the First Lady, except in times of National Emergency, which can only be declared by the Maximum Proconsul or by any situation in which the danger of the State is high.

 

They will make their residence in the White House, where the Maximum Proconsul already resides.

 

The new First Lady is expected to make a statement tonight on National Television.

 

(Associated Press of the State of America)

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It's fine. Where are my wedding presents, everyone? We already have a blender, so think of something else.

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