PROMO: Well, it was *supposed* to open Crimson

[Guest realitycheck]

...it's just a jump to the left...

 

Anyway, this is the "very important" promo that was *supposed* to open Crimson. So important, in fact, I didn't finish. Between the having to polish off the tag match with just me and Tod because Ced was busy meant I didn't finish it on Saturday.

 

I was ready to get it done on Sunday, the day of the show, but I went to chat for a break. That was a brilliant decision, because it destroyed my will to write, and the show went up without it.

 

I was busy Monday, and couldn't finish, and I was busy today, and now was the only time I've really had. So, in conclusion, if you don't like it, bite me.

 

1000 pardons to Sydney, Flexxx, Poisyn and Mak that I couldn't finsih, but at least it's going up. Oh well, at leat it'll get comments on it.

 

And while I'm at it, apollogies to anyone who I didn't get right in the promo. Especially Edwin, cause I think I blew his charcter a few times. Wilson too, because it's hard to write him without making him and Edwin the centre of the promo.

 

Anyway, for you're explaination and enjoyment... (Be warned, this is quite long)

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

...

 

“…skewwwww…”

 

**pop!**

 

“…fssshhhhhh…”

 

**Crack!**

 

…

 

…

 

“…PSHEWWWWWWWW…”

 

**BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!**

 

And with flares of red, flashes of green, and explosions of blue, another amazing pyrotechnique show opens up SJL Crimson! As the utterly generic rock of the SJL theme blares through the darkened arena, the lights flip back on and the cameras pan and swing across the arena, showing the wildly cheering fans! The Baltimore fans are on their feet, awaiting another night of SJL action!

 

“And indeed,” Cries out an easily recognizable voice. “These Baltimore fans are on their feet, waiting for another night of SJL action! I’m Axis, along with the Suicide King and the conspicuously absent Edwin MacPhisto, and this is Smarks Junior League CRIMSON!”

 

“Another night, another paycheque.” Mumbles King.

 

“You’re so *encouraging.*” Grumbles Axis, the acidic sarcasm evident.

 

“It’s what I live for.”

 

Axis sighs, knowing that he’s got another long night ahead of him. He shuffles his notes, before taking the mic again. “Now, folks, I think it’s time we addressed a serious issue. On Metal, in one of the most… *stunning* events in SJL history, SWF superstar CHRIS WILSON, along with Poisyn and Flex, stormed the ring after the Main Event, beating down Danny Williams, Z and Ced Ordonez.” Says Axis, his voice conveying a tone of seriousness.

 

“Indeed they did, Axis!” Chirps King, his voice conveying a tone of cheerfulness. “As the shirts proclaim, the New Sound is GONE and the sWo rises from the ashes! Wilson himself announced it, there are going to be *changes* up in this mother!” King pauses, wiping a tear from his eye. “It’s… it’s just so beautiful! It’s almost enough to make my weekly job in this hellhole seem worthwhile!”

 

“I SAID HALLELUIAH!”  

 

Before Axis can even glower at King, those words ring across the arena! The crowd roars, the pyro flares, and the multicoloured lights search the rows 94 to 147.

 

“TO THE SIXTEEN LOYAL FANS!”

 

Pshewwww! The pyro flares again!

 

“NOW GET DOWN ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN’ KNEES!”

 

Pshewwww! Glorious red!

 

“CAUSE IT’S TIME FOR YOUR SICKNESS AGAIN!”

 

Pshewwww! With a last sparkle of silver, the pyro finishes, and the man… the myth… the legend makes his way down the aisle! Dispensing with his usual full-blown intro, Edwin MacPhisto makes his way down the ramp, of course taking a bit of time to bathe in the lauding crowd.

 

“Well,” Begins Axis. “It seems our commissioner has appeared, and is going to deal with the situation.”

 

“Oh, pleeeeasssee…” Scoffs King. “Edwin? He couldn’t deal with a deck of cards, let alone something like this.”

 

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Booms Funyon, as Edwin steps into the ring. “Please welcome SWF WORLD CHAMPION…” Warm pop! “…and YOUR SJL commissioner…” Bigger pop! “EDWIN… MAC… PHISSSSTOOOOO!!!” Critical Mass!

 

Edwin gathers the microphone from Funyon, and takes a moment to gaze about the roaring crowd. Quelling the ‘Mac-phist-OOO! Mac-phist-OOO!’ with a gesture of his hand, he raises the mic to his lips…

 

“Well, well, well…” Begins Edwin, hint of a half-lopsided smirk on his face. “Welcome one! Welcome all! Welcome to the biggest event of this 1000 years, and many millennia afterward! Welcome another edition of SJL Crimson, one of which there has not been so grand… well, since the last one.” Edwin grins. “Why, I don’t think there’s been a show this great… since the last one I was on!”

 

The ‘Mac-phist-OOO! Mac-phist-OOO!’ chants start up again, as Edwin flexes his promolicious muscles. Axis chuckles, “Heh… Edwin through his usual pre-meat-of-the-promo shenanigans, I see.”

 

“Guh… but good CHRIST, does he have to put himself over so hard? He’s on the entire freaking show *as it is!*” King yells frustratedly!

 

Again dispensing those beautiful, beautiful cheers, Edwin raises the mic up again… “Anyway, getting to the point, I--” Edwin’s trying to get on with the promo is interrupted as the crowd hails the decision with a torrent of boos! “This crowd obviously wants more of Eddie Mac!” Chuckles Axis, obviously enjoying the show.

 

“Damn you! You fools! Don’t *encourage* him! Don’t you know what you’re doing?!” Pause. “…to me!?” King shouts on, in full Anti-Edwin mode.

 

Edwin clears his throat, “Well, as much as I enjoy hamming it up for the lot of you, the JL budget is already a shoelace, and I don’t think I can waste anymore time on myself. At least, not until I get back to commentary.” He grins, then finally gets on with it. “Anyway, it has come to my attention that the SJL…” pause. “…has developed a *slight* pest problem!” The crowd gives a small cheer at that, as the Mac Daddy continues. “To elaborate for all of you funsters in attendance, on Metal, we saw Flexxx and Poisyn… Poysin… uh, the former Matt Myers storm down to the ring, interrupting a fine exhibition between Brave Daniel, Knave Ceddington, and his Mirthful Jesterness!”

 

“Indeed they did. But, it should be noted, with little success. Ced and Z got the better of Flex and Poisyn, slamming them down with the Silver Corrosion!” Reminds Axis.

 

“Ugh… painful memories…” King winces. “Do you have to remind me? I’ll bet Edwin even has a little video package replaying that over… and over… and over…”

 

Edwin continues, “Now, if this were a standalone crime, I could suspend Flexxx and Poisyn for unprovoked interference in MY main event on MY show for well up to three months!” The crowd pops for punishment! “BUT… this is not a standalone crime, oh no. For who else was there to help with this unnecessary undertaking? Why, the meat man himself… CHRIS WILSON.” The crowd boils over with ire at his name, booing vehemently!

 

“Indeed, Chris Wilson did assist in the beatdown of XF9!” Shouts Axis. “And--”

 

“How beautiful it was!” Interrupts King! “I had a tear in my eye the whole time, Axis! It was the first moment of glory for the sWo, and I’m sure there will be many more!”

 

“You’re sick.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Now,” Begins Edwin, once more. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but Wilson is a WF star… right?”

 

“RIGHT!” roars the crowd!

 

“And this is the SJL, is it not?”

 

“RIGHT!”

 

“So tell me… where the hell does Wilson get off coming down here and taking charge of a stable!? If your friendly neighborhood commissioner has to become the bloody Orkin Man to deal with the roaches, than make it so! And if the roaches are lead by the particularly slimy, icky, and otherwise nasty roach that is Wilson, than make that so, too!” The crowd roars for the Mac Daddy, as he makes his statement loud and clear! “So, if it isn’t too much of a hindrance, I’d like Wilson, and the New Sound or sWo or whatever the bloody hell they’re calling themselves to come down here… RIGHT NOW!”

 

“And Edwin’s just called out the sWo to explain themselves! He’s like a big, bad British principal!” Shouts Axis, making a lousy comparison.

 

“Yeah, Yeah…” Dismisses King, airily. “And the sWo is walking down the hallway of doom, right? Face it, Edwin’s going to regret this.”

 

His MacPhistoness doesn’t have to wait long, however, as the sqeaky opening notes of RATM’s ‘Ashes in the Fall’ wake the crowd! As the beat picks up, the arena darkens, and the SmarkTron blinks ‘S… W… O!’ The beat reaches crescendo and with **BOOM!** of pyro on the stage, the lights flicker back on! Treading through the smoky stage come the sWo, led by Chris Wilson, in his trademark Ruby Juliet Oakleys and black trenchcoat. Following behind him, Flexxx and Poisyn gab at the more rowdy members of the crowd, while Mak Francis follows from the rear, TV Title gleaming over his shoulder. Most notably, ALL of the men are clad in a sWo T-shirt. The arena is awash with heat for the men, who seem to be amused by it all. Finally, all four step into the ring, Chris Wilson taking a mic handed to his by a ringside attendant.

 

Wilson pauses, having never set foot in an SJL ring in his career. He smiles in usual fashion, and… “My dear Edwin…” Begins Wilson, in the usual tone of voice. “Tell me, how right was I when I said that I made all of the stars in the SWF, hmm?” Wilson smiles, “How right was I when I said that I had laid the foundation of the SWF as we now know it? …and how much is anyone willing to bet that you didn’t think I’d got out and try to prove it again?”

 

Edwin paces in the ring, looking about Wilson and his boys, who share a more contemptuous look than their ‘manager.’ Edwin licks his lips, before bringing up the mic again. “Chrissy, Chrissy, Chrissy… on the contrary, I *did* think you would go out and try to ‘create’ some new stars. The matter of the fact is… I just didn’t think you’d do it in *my league.*”

 

“Which, I suppose, brings us to the point… right?” Queries Axis.

 

“Shh!” Hushes King!

 

“See, now Wilson, this is where we are at an impasse…” Continues Edwin. “This is MY LEAGUE. Therefore, I’m sure you won’t have any trouble backing your arse out of the ring, up that ramp, and back to whatever pit of hell spawned you!” Shouts Edwin! “Security, if you will…?”

 

Flexxx, Mak and Poisyn all assume battle stances as several security guards close in on the ring. Wilson, however, remains unwavering. Edwin glares at him as he raises the mic again. “Well, Edwin, I would be happy to oblige… if not for one *teensy, tiny* detail. You see… If I were to wrestle here, then I could be thrown out for a breach of contract. Maybe even fired! I--” The crowd pops huge for that! Wilson grumbles and goes on. “--If I were to, say, *hit you* then--” The crowd boos largely for that one! “--Then  you could throw me out. But, see, this tiny little piece of paper explains everything.”

 

Edwin is handed a little green slip from Wilson… and almost collapses right on the spot. Flabberghasted he grabs the mic! “You… you fiend! A… A…”

 

“That’s right!” Booms Wilson! “An *official* managers license, as provided to me from a certain deputy commissioner that I’m sure you know very well…”

 

“King! You didn’t!” Axis gasps!

 

“What can I say?” King says, feigning innocence. “I just can’t refuse helping out an old acquaintance.”

 

“So,” Wilson goes on, “I am only here to provide one thing. My leadership. My leadership and my guidance… the kind you could never show.”

 

“What the hell…?” Axis wonder aloud.

 

“What the bloody hell are you going on about, Wilson?” inquires Edwin, echoing Axis.

 

Wilson opens his mouth to speak again, but is silenced as Flexxx raises his hand! Understanding exactly, (But not wanting to back down from a gab-fest with Edwin) Wilson passes the mic over to Flexxx, who paces around the ring…

 

“Edwin… Edwin, Edwin, Edwin.” Begins Flexxx, “What are we going on about? What are we going on about!? I’ll tell you what we’re going on about! We are going on about YOU! We are going how, as commissioner, you’ve only let the ‘good guys’ go to the top! We are going on about how, because we can't get cheers… because we can’t get cheers from this idiots HERE!” Flexxx points into the audience, getting a loud chorus of boos. “Because we can’t get cheers from these people, you won’t let us have our chance!”

 

“What? Aw, c’mon…” Grumbles Axis, “That’s a crock!”

 

“Shh!”

 

“Flexxx, that’s ridiculous. I’ve given you more than your fair shot. It dosen’t really matter to me if you aren’t getting cheers from these people.” cites Edwin, again pointing to the crowd. “It’s just that--”

 

“SHUT UP!” Bellows Flexxx, taking the Mac Daddy back and again angering the crowd! “What are you gonna’ tell me, Edwin? Are you going to tell me that ‘I haven’t paid my dues’?! Are you going to tell me again, ‘Sorry Flexxx, old chum. I can’t let you have that shot at the World Title you’ve slaved so long for. See, despite being here longer than the entire main event, taking more losses, enduring more heatbreaks, and taking more goddamn BEATINGS, you haven’t paid your dues. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go plot a course for Danny Williams, who despite having a BROKEN ANKLE and having taken more drugs than Jimmi Hendrix, is getting a WORLD TITLE SHOT.’” Flexxx spits the last part into Edwin’s face, getting angrier with every word! “And then? And then you’d probably say ‘Wooble!’ or some shit. Feh…”

 

Edwin looks at Flexxx, rather concerned, before lifting the mic up again. “Flexxx… you still didn’t have to do what you did on Metal! That was disgusting. Disgusting, I say! If you wanted to talk to me about this, you could have just come to my office! I’d of been more than happy to help, I’d just whip out the blender, and make a couple daiquiris to talk over it! I care, you kno--”

 

“BULLSHIT!” Thuders Flexxx, again taking Edwin back! “You care?! You *care*!? How the hell can you say that!? You book me against that little bitch Z, in a fucking match where I can only hit him in the nuts, make me dress up as a fucking MANATEE, and you say you *care*!?” Flexxx rants on, becoming more and more frazzeled! He stops, trembling with anger, before Poisyn takes the microphone…

 

“ It wasn’t just you, Edwin… It was also *these people!*” Poisyn gestures to the fans, much like Flexxx. “You know what? We were a new revolution. We came into this ring, gave our blood, sweat, tears, energy, and everything else to you fans, and what do you give back? Nothing! From city to city, you fans are all the same. Greedy, angry, always wanting more. Well, I've only got one thing to say: FUCK YOU!!!” The crowd rains boos onto the group of men, the ‘Asshole!’ chants becoming overwhelming! Poisyn gazes about them, wallowing in the hate, before handing the mic back to Flexxx.

 

“And that, Edwin…” Flexxx starts, somewhat calmed down. “Is why were are here now. Poisyn and I, we know what it feels like to be ignored. To be left behind by everyone else, just because no-one wants. To be showered by false affection, pretend sympathy, and empty promises.”

 

“And Mak?” inquires Edwin. “He’s already successful! Why, he just beat the longest running TV champ of all-time! He doesn’t quite fit in with your clique.”

 

“Mak? You know what, Edwin? Mak is here because he *cares.* Of all the people… of all the other *assholes* in that locker room, Mak is the only one who *cared!* He’d talk to us after shows, he’s buy us a round at the bar, he’s the only one who ever even *bothered!*” Flexxx yells! “And now that we’re together, we’re unstoppable! We are going to *tear* through this league, and now that Wilson has offered to be our guiding light, nothing can stop us this time! Not you… not the fans… not anybody. *Especially* not the piss ant little group of toddlers in X… F… 9!!”

 

As triggered by fate, that last remark causes an easily recognizable techno beat to bounce though the arena! B4U ~Glorious Style~ pumps the crowd, eager to have someone break up the sWo’s whine fest!

 

“And it looks like the sWo may have just minced their words, there!” Says Axis.

 

“Man… that is just *not* 20 minute promo entrance music.” grumbles King, his mind somewhere else entirely.

 

With a toss of the curtain, Ced Ordonez and Z walk from the back, as the crowd rains cheers on somebody breaking up the sWo. Both men survey the ring, as Mak, Wilson, Poisyn and Flexxx look at them expectantly. (Flexxx albeit pissed off.) Ced twirls the mic in his hand, before raising it, and…

 

“Owla.”

 

The pops a little as Ced raises his hand, waving to the ring. He clears his throat and goes on…

 

“Now, guys, I’m going to keep this short, as this gab fest is approaching 20 minutes, and you’ve already bored this crowd to death.” Medium pop! “Ahem. Anyway, you say you want to go though the JL? You want to go through the commissioner? The world champ? A brick wall? And worst of all, you’re trying to get through Edwin’s *skull*!?” Ced adds the last bit with a small bit of faked shock, before going on… “Well, that last one has already been proven impossible, but as far as everything else goes… let me steal a page from Steve Austin’s book and stop you with an EH-EH!” The sWo looks on, unimpressed, as Ced tosses the mic to Z. Z musters up his best bold face, before…

 

“Scoundrels! Fiends! Ne’er-do-wells! I halt thy devastating charge with but a single word!” Pause. “…Ok, so I suck at the whole dramatic speech thing. But still! You are bad, bad people… and you think you just run roughshod over the JL? Well, I’d say you’re forgetting about one thing! If YOU want the JL…” Z pauses for dramatic effect. “Than you’ll have to go through… US FIRST!” Z finishes those last words with the best flair he can!

 

“Z trying to inspire fear into the entire hearts of the sWo with the threat of himself and Ced!” Shouts Axis! He pauses for a moment as King can be clearly heard sniggering into this mic. “Uh… of course, he could also be trying to scare them with the legacy of XF9. After all, they have faced, and *defeated,* every challenge that has ever presented itself in the JL.

 

“Haha… Oh plea-haha-please, Axis!” Says King in between hiccupping giggles. “Z’s about as-hahaha!-about as scary as a… snrk.... a fluffy puppy trying to stop a burglar?”

 

“Oh, hush.”

 

There is a pause in the housing the sWo. All the members look at one another… before breaking down in uproars of laughter! On the stage, Ced glares at the ring sourly, that vein in his forehead bulging, as Z hangs his head pathetically. In between laughing fits, Flexxx manages to raise the mic…

 

“Hahah… You ca-BAHAHA! C-can’t be SERIOUS, can you? I-snrk!- I mean… you’re even less of a useful stable than we used to be!”

 

Z picks up his head and growls in a frustrated fashion! “Well… well I could say the same about you! Look what you’re made up of! Two overrated jobbers who haven’t won squat!” Flexxx and Poisyn choke and stop laughing! “A rookie who’s the jobbers champ, and greener than grass!” Mak looks insulted! “And an old, washed up, broken down and wasted former champion who makes Patrick Ewing look like Vince Carter!” Wilson gapes at Z’s audacity, as Edwin (Still standing in the back of the ring) chuckles a bit. Z fumes, but goes on! “And as far as ‘being short on members’… well, you know what? THAT’S what were out here for!” The sWo suddenly takes a more concerned look, as the crowd pops huge!

 

“Un-huh. How does it feel now, monkey boys?” Ced asks, taking the mic from Z. “Well then, howsa’ bout I introduce the NEWEST XF9 member?” Ced clears his throat, and in the best Michael Buffer voice he can muster… “Introducing… from the land of big, fat, ugly purple and yellow dinosaurs who dominate basketball...” The reference goes over everyone’s head, but Ced’s from Sacramento, so he’s bitter. “Weighing in at 170 pounds…” A light violin begins to emanate from the stereo. Only a few notice, but the crowd begins to warm up…

 

“SHE IS…”

 

“You don’t think…” Wonders Axis.

 

The crowd cheers even more!

 

“YOUR…”

 

“No. Please no.” King murmurs, wide eyed.

 

The sWo exchange worried looks.

 

“SJL…”

 

“It isn’t…” King almost chokes!

 

The violin kicks into full gear, in a sweeping, serene melody!

 

“WORLD *CHAMPION!*”

 

The crowd roars. The entire sWo recoils in the ring, having hoping to have anything but that. Both Ced and Z do the nWo point, (Over their heads) as the femme fatal herself walks from the back, world title gleaming around her waist!

 

“It is.”

 

“Damn right it is, King! Sydney Sky, JL champ, is BACK in XF9! I dunno how Z and Ced did it, but they did!”

 

“Incriminating photos. It’s the only way.” reasons King. “I was beginning to like her, Axis! I was! WHY did she have to do this!? Why with THOSE TWO!? Arrrgh…”

 

“Shh. I think she’s going to explain.”

 

With a wave of her hand, Ced tosses the mic over to Sydney. She picks it up, and…

 

“Hello, boys!” Syd waves to the sWo, who cringe in response. She grins. “You know what? It’s been too long! It’s great to be an XF9er again! To think, the last time I was in, LDP was still around, kicking RSR’s and the Clan’s butts all around the country!” The crowd cheers at the plug! “Anyway, Ced and Z came to me with a problem. See, they said that Flexxx and Poisyn were going to start a new stable, and XF9 was the first, last and only line of defense for the JL! Unfortunately, they were looking kind of depleted, and needed some help... so, despite some other matters…” Syd mentions uncomfortably, before regrouping and going on. “…who am I to refuse? After all, how can I turn down two boys with such great taste!” Sydney grins, and flexes an arm, as Z takes the mic back…

 

“So guys, I reiterate… If you want the JL, you have to go through… *US FIRST!*”

 

‘B4U’ kicks up again, as Z and Ced turn from the stage, Sydney blowing a kiss to the still stunned sWo. Edwin takes this moment to sneak back to the commentary table, as Axis sizes up the situation.

 

“Damn, King, who knew it?”

 

“Yeah, who would have thought that Z could pronounce ‘reiterate.’” King grumbles, with extra sarcasm

 

“Sigh. Well, anyway, Sydney Sky is back with XF9, and they have fired to first shot to the sWo in the early parts of what is sure to be a war!” Says Axis. “Be sure not to miss Ced, Z and Tod deKindes meeting in a tag match against the sWo later tonight! But first, Cutthroat and C.I.A take on Mike Van Siclen, after these messages!” Axis sends the show to commercial in full shill mode, as we fade to another damn Sub-Way commercial…

[Guest Insane Clown Dan]

Wow... you did an extremely good job writing that promo, Z! You nailed down characters very well, and their petty bickering was so fucking rich.

 

But i still own j00, toddler

[Guest]

Fantastic, Z. Funny when it had to be, serious when you wanted it to be, every character looked just about right to me. In fact, only one thing could have improved it.

 

If you'd had it IN for the show.

 

Seriously, good stuff. And now I've commented. Happy?

[Guest 5_moves_of_doom]

Simply because I promised myself not to while we were in chat, I refuse to reply or comment on this topic.

 

~SNOOGANS~

[Guest]

Z your promo was too great for words. You got all the points across and had great psych. I still can't believe you got everyone over as that has to be the hardest thing to do for this type of promo. But you did it. Mad props go out to you.

 

I mark for Z even though he's Canadian

[Guest Insanityman]

Marvelous Z, that was great. (*No sarcasm*).

[Guest midnight_burn]

I liked the promo, quite good.

[Guest Sydney_Sky]

Z rocks my panties-err.. socks.

 

Great promo! No problem about the delay. Tis cool.

 

Plus it was nice to see "SJL World Champion Sydney Sky" again. Heh.