Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted January 27, 2007 (edited) Just like the title said this ish is strictly for the streets. Ya'll are hyphy, but let's face it, most of you ain't been in the hood like I have. This is for my real niggas that be bustin they gun on the daily. If ya'll ain't for the streets, then to the left, motherfuckers, because I'll air you Internet niggas out right quick. This street shit ain't safe for you. LA County, niggas, if you a bitch then get your ass from round here before we come with those bullets to ya brain. Shouts out to my gangstas in STL, NYC, DC, 313, YAY AREA, SA, RI, MIA, we doing this all fuckin' day ya heard. It ain't safe for these bitches to leave they fuckin' house no more. We go backstage where tag team champions Alix Maria Spezia and Krista Isadora Duncan linger by a catering table, engaged in a heated argument over what they should do with the family of rats in their basement. One says to hire an exterminator, the other says the rats have the right to file an appeal with the UN to be recognized as a sovereign nation. Try to guess who's making which argument. Just try. Suddenly the camera switches to a shot of Colombian Heat, bouncing down the hall, and flowing like Dre in his NWA prime. Outfitted in a pair of Bathing Ape Jeans, and red camouflage Bathing Ape t-shirt, he parts the sea of stage hands and random wrestlers like a hip-hop moses. COLOMBIAN HEAT (Rapping. Loudly. Incredibly loudly) Fuck what ya heard, this is what you're hearin, Colombian Heat up in ya television, tellin ya a vision with Nostradamus like precision. Got money on mah mind but no mind on da money, got time for the honeys, but no honeys for mah time. KRISTA (spotting Heat) Oh god! Don't come over here, don't come over here, don't come over here. Please god, I'll do anything you want if you keep him from coming over here, I'll go to church, I'll give money to charity, I'll save orphans from burning buildings, I'll stop using my dead uncle's handicap parking sticker from 1988 to get preferred parking, I'll even be nice to Terry Taylor! Well, maybe I won't do that last part. A devious smile creeps onto Alix's lips as she watches Krista try to gain the favor of a god she doesn't actually believe in. ALIX Hey, Cypress Hill, where ya goin', dude? Come and chat with us, babe! KRISTA I hate you, Alix. I hope nothing but terrible things happen to you for the rest of your life. I hope all the millions of bad things that were reserved for other people, get shifted to you and you alone, that is how much I hate you right now. ALIX Oh, hush, you know you love me. Our new age Young Joc comes to an abrupt halt when he spots Chicks Over Dicks. His eyes bug out of his head and he does a complete double take at the sight of the tag team champions. Krista recognizes this look and knows it means nothing good. COLOMBIAN HEAT God dayum, there some fine things goin' on up in hurr! Why don'tcha turn around and let a ballla see whatcha workin' wit'? Ya'll bitches lookin' so fine playas in the next room'll nut! KRISTA (muttering to herself) Of all the days to forget the can of mase. HEAT Mamis be lookin good enough to eat, and Colombian Heat's always bout dat sexual appetite! Ask Beavis I get nothing BUTT-Head! KRISTA So, who is this new character that God, who obviously wishes me a lifetime of misery, has introduced to further ruin my already horrible and unbearable life? ALIX Colombian Heat, Krissy! He used to be in the Lightening Crew. HEAT Lightening Crew be way in the past, babygirl. Here today, I’m my own thug. I ain't need no crew 'cause I am a one man fuckin' monster. I ain't need to join up with nobody no more. I ain't need nobody’s help on shit. Man, I am the OAOAST, breathing, shitting, eating, sleeping OAOAST. And I can’t be fucked with right now. I’ma forced to be reckoned with. Anybody dat don’t like it, they can drop a promo 'bout it and I will dismantle 'em piece by piece lyrically and physically. You smell me? KRISTA (muttering to herself) I smell something alright..... ALIX Oh snapple! For real tho Fives Angels, I heard thru some peeps about your mad mental clout, so I ain't even tryna fuck wif you. It's all love, b. I gots nuthin' but bowed head and e-fed hitz for ya, big daddy, to tryna get some of that knowledge, widsom, and understandin of self you be rollin heavy wif. HEAT Word? ALIX Word and life. Life and word. Colombian Heat the substance that'll make your third eye cry-too potent, too high in intelligence quotient. KRISTA Jesus Christ, Alix, don't encourage him or he'll never leave. Good lord, only by the grace of god there go I. HEAT Yo, what thar mean? ALIX It means she's going to start drinking early. HEAT Hells yeah, mami! Sip on that Alize and get dis party right. I'm feelin ya sexy style, girl. And Alix, you feelin' the mental and physical clout that Heat be comin' hard with. But I got bustas like Tha Pureto Rican still tryin' to assassinate mah character. To that I say getcha mind right, Puerto, because you can't assassinate nothin' about Heat. I've always walked the walk and talked the talk. My shit is impeccable. I'm the boss round here. If me and Puerto were on a deserted island together, it'd be cool. I wouldn't have to tell him nothing. He would get the fish, cook the fish, get the firewood, start the fire, build me a hut and a stage and entertain me. Why? 'Cause I am the boss of that dude, and if he, Vitamin X, Popick, and the rest of 'em keep tryin' to roll on me, then they all gonna get they lives slowed. Ya'll go and ya'll tell him dat! KRISTA Wait, was that just a figure of speech or an honest to good invite to leave? Because if I could get out of this conversation without having to first commit some kind of bloody and horrific murder/suicide, that would be a miracle of turning water to wine proportions. No, Krista, no you can't just walk away that easily! Why? Because the cruiser weight sensation, partner of Heat, and one half of the HI-YAH tag team champions, Spanish Fly walks onto the scene, making things a bit more interesting. SPANISH FLY What's up, Heat? Whatcha doing round here, man? We gotta go meet with those reps from HI-YAH for a quick photoshoot. What do you think is my good side, right or left? HEAT You ain't got no good side, dats why you wear a mask. A lightbulb-not a real one, that would be weird-pops above Krissy's head. She seems to think that she can insult her way out of this conversation. KRISTA Hey, what are you doing? You're not supposed to be here! You've got to take the magic ring to Mount Doom before Lord Sauron and his evil horde get their hands on it! Hurry along, my sweet hobbit, the fate of Middle Earth rests in your hands! Fly steps towards Krista in anger, despite probably having heard that joke a million times before. KRISTA Woah, don't come any closer dude, you're so tiny that if you stand between my legs people might think I have a penis! SPANISH FLY That's a nice shirt, lady. How much? Twenty five cents? KRISTA Try three hundred, Smurfette. You're five foot three and you've got a fat gut, I'd bet you'd be taller if you just laid on your back. If you don't like the shirt, I can always change it. But you're short, ugly and broke, there's no shirt change for that. ALIX Hold the Boost mobile cellphone, sister from another mister, or maybe from the same mister, which would make our couples therapy sessions a lil bit more interesting to say the least, I can't have you talking like that to my people! KRISTA Your people? ALIX Di-di-did I stutter? Alix [i]Maria[/i] Spezia holdin it down for Latinonation and Lesbination. For real tho, we got nuthin' but love for you both. One love, one life, one Virgin Islands. West Los Angeles, where the grass is greener, the crips are meaner, the gangstas ride and the snitches die. One for the homies on the mind, and one for the homies on the grind(points to Fly and Heat). That's my word, my bond. Peace Blood. Peace God. KRISTA Why must every Thursday of my life, and one Sunday a month, be filled with such unendurable hell? FLY Hey, Heat, that's one hard lyric Alix just said. HEAT Word. Mad love for the blessings, mami. Ya'll stay fly and keep doing whatcha doin' in the OAOAST. And we gonna keep doin what we doin' in HI-YAH. And both of ya'll better be at mah victory party after I take that Lethal Rumble, because we gonna be up in da club beatin' that bitch loud! Ya heard? KRISTA Unfortunately. With that the two parties shake hands. Or exchange a dap, if you keep it in the hood as I have been known to do. Passing a final nod to Alix and Krista, Heat and Fly depart for their HI-YAH photoshoot, while pontificating on how Expressionist playwrights may have interpreted the representation of the psychoanalytical interior world in this chance meeting of champions. KRISTA (turning to a nearby stagehand) Is there some kind of gas leak in here? EWC: Didn't know where you wanted this segment so I didn't mention the HI-YAH title match. You can edit if you like, but only if you a real nigga. Edited January 28, 2007 by Patty O'Green Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
