Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted February 1, 2007 Backstage we go, where we stop, nobody knows! Wait, Patty knows. And Patty says we stop near the arena loading dock, one of the most remote locations you can possibly stumble upon. And who else should be there but the woman who despises interacting with her fellow wrestlers, Krista Isadora Duncan, downing a bottle of Jose Cuervo. Wearing off white capri pants, and a light plaid shirt intricately decorated by rose embroidery, Krista looks to finally have a found a moment's peace from the zaniness of the oaoast. But as usual her tranquility is shattered by one of the OAOAST's many wacky characters. This time it's Melody Nerdly, in jeans and a white Wayne Gretzky Edmonton Oilers hockey jersey, who disrupts poor Krista. MELODY NERDLY Yo, yo, yo, Krissy D! Can I ask you a ques.... KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN (putting her hand up to silence Mel) Wait, before you proceed any further, I need to ask you a terribly important question. One that will determine if you can talk to me, or if the Halifax police department will find your charred remains in a nearby ditch. Would you, in your estimation, say that I'm so fly that ballas in the next room'll nut? MELODY I would say that I probably understood,oh, about maybe ten percent of whatever it is you just said. KRISTA Very good, you're allowed to talk to me. So what's new, pussycat? MELODY Well, Jade told me you were the chick with the master plan, and that anytime I need advice your the cold hearted ice queen to come and see. Well, advice chick, I have arrived to humbly sip from your overflowing fountain of time tested knowledge and experience. KRISTA Okay, right now you're in love, but that'll last for about a year, eighteen months tops. Then the startling realization that you've given the best years of your womanhood to a guy with a nice car, a big bank account, a thinning hairline, a small penis and no braincells, will begin to set in. So my advice is to join some clubs, take up golf or tennis, work with a few charities, and when the time in the bedroom comes, lie still, fake it, throw in a few “Oh, baby! Oh, baby! You're the best I've ever had, and I haven't had many, but if I had had many, which I certainly have not, you, dear sir, you most assuredly would be top of the pops! No friggin quesiton about it, my good man!” and pray for the sweet embrace of death to claim what's left of your once youthful, innocent, spirit. And when you come to your senses come and see me, and I can introduce you to a beautiful Russian tennis coach named Anya. She's got a gorgeous beach house in Malibu, and a yacht in Sausalito. And, if nothing else, she'll get you a killer backhand. I'm talking Steffi Graf killer. You like tennis, right? It's sort of our unofficial sport. MELODY I love tennis. Not to play, or to watch, or to even talk about really, I just love the fact that it's there. So yeah, thanks for the advice. Think ya help me out with something else? KRISTA Why not? I do everything else around here, such as balance people's checkbooks, do their hair and makeup, refinance their mortgage, adjust their auto insurance, and bribe the cops to spend the rest of the evening at Dunkin Donuts when Synth Esizer throws a hooker off a hotel balcony, so surely I can instruct you on how to tell Zack Malibu you're carrying his bastard love child. Hey, wait, before we go on, how are your brothers doing? MELODY Brothers? What brothers? KRISTA Melvin and Marvin. MELODY Who gives a crap? They suck! Let's talk about the one Nerdly who doesn't suck, i.e. let's talk about me. See, I got this problem where the company's paying me a truck load of cash, but I don't ever actually do any real work! Know where I'm coming from here? KRISTA Uh-huh, let me see if I can wrap my brain around your obviously horrible and life threatening quandary. Shouldn't take long, it is the same brain that earned me two masters degrees from Standford, and would've made me valedictorian in high school if wasn't for that slut Emily Goldwyn hooking up with the chemistry teacher. But some cut car breaks and a fatal trip down the rain slicked roads of Dead Man's curve sure fixed the both of them. Yes it did, my pretties, yes it did. MELODY [IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/sconf.gif] KRISTA Did I say that out loud? How silly of me to make you an accessory to an unsolved murder. My apologies. So, you're getting paid money to do absolutely nothing. And you've somehow determined that is a problem needing to be corrected? Am I in some kind of bizzaro world where up is down, right is left, and Beyonce is actually considered a talented singer/actress? Because if it is, then pass me a bullet and let me end the misery right here and now. A gun isn't really necessary, I can just kind of mash the bullet into my head real hard over and over again, that should do the trick. MELODY No, look, the problem is that the dudes who run this joint are gonna find out that I'm just a tall, blond, waste of money, and then I'm done for! Fired! Out the door! Pink slipped! Given the boot! KRISTA I don't know about that. I too am a tall, blond, waste of money, and I'm still here. Miserable, emotionally bankrupt, and on the verge of suicide, but still here none the less. MELODY I'm doomed, Krista! No more fuel efficient South Korean economy sized automobile, no more one room apartment with a rent so high it could pay to feed an entire African country, no more subscription to Architecture Digest, and no more self assembled Swedish furniture! I'll have go to back to living with my parents and the rest of my geek family in Edmonton! You don't know what it's like, being forced to attend these stupid Star Trek Conventions in every little hick town in Western Canada! I don't know if it's the combination of the spiked Klingon Ale, or the fact they're out of their moms basement for the first time in six months, but these Trekkie dorks get a little touchey feeley. You have to help me, Krista! I don't want to spend the rest of my days washing the skidmarked underwear of a morbidly obese husband who makes me talk dirty to him in [i]Vulcan[/i]. I don't even know Vulcan, I only know Romulan! KRISTA Calm down, sweetie, Auntie Krista's gonna make all your problems go POOF gone. Did you know in addition to being a former Miss California, a Miss Teen California, a best selling author, an owner of two Master Degrees, and the future owner of a PHD, the founder of a worldwide fitness kingdom, and the president of my daughter's school's PTA, I'm also something of a psychic, I got a little ESP. MELODY Yeah, so do I. [I]Around the Horn[/I] is my favorite. I don't normally say this about older men, but that Woody Paige looks damn good for his age. Damn good! Sorry, bad jokes. Please continue. Krista sighs, then continues her version of the psychic friends network. KRISTA Oh my god, I'm getting a vision right now! How incredibly convenient! It is of you, approaching a tag team, a tag team with a combined IQ of [i]bottle[/i], so stupid that when they added their IQ's together they got a random nonsensical word and not an actual numerical value. And you are telling these lunkheads, these mouth breathing circus monkeys, that you are the greatest, most revered wrestling manager in the history of professional grappling, and you will take them straight to the top out of the kindness of your caring heart and for a forty percent cut of their salary, marketing, endorsements, merchandising and various other ancillary rights. MELODY So, rather then educate the ignorant, and empower them with the knowledge they need to make the world better for themselves and their children, you want me to exploit their ignorance, plunge them into the depths of denigration, squash what little hope they have for a better and more productive life, and make gobs of money off their continued suffering at the same time? KRISTA Yeah, pretty much. MELODY I love it, I love it, I love it. KRISTA And remember if at first you don't succeed.... MELODY Take a chainsaw to their stomachs and harvest their organs for fun and profit! KRISTA Um, I was going to say loosen up those shirt buttons and let your magnificent mammaries fly as free as Alix's dad the day he escaped from San Quentin state prison. But if you do decide to go with your plan B, I personally wouldn't mind having Flex's Phillip's spleen as a nouveau chic coffee table center piece. Hey, seeing that I just helped you, maybe you could do me a favor. My speaker for a banquet at the Getty Center to raise awareness about the endangered Asian Elephant just backed out, and I was wondering if you knew anyone who might be interested in speaking? MELODY Speaking? I don't know anyone who'd be interested in [i]listening[/i]! KRISTA [IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/aktion034.gif] While Melody leaves Krista to drown her sorrows in the bottle, we go somewhere else. I don't know where, but it ain't here. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
