HD:How Melody got her groove back!

[Patty O'Green 0]

We're whisked backstage where Jesse Ventura and Synth Eszier are busy disposing of the decapitated corpse of Josh Matthews. Just kidding. Actually, we just see The Lonestar Gunslingers walking through the parking garage, in matching cowboy hats, skin tight jeans to show off their cute butts, and black t-shirts. The only difference between them is that Baron has a cigar in his mouth.

JOCK MULLIGAN
Damn it, Baron, how many times I gotta tell ya, don't smoke them damn cee-gars 'round me no more.

BARON WINDELLS
You ain't my mama, don't go tellin' me what I can and cain't do.

JOCK
I ain't your mama, but I'ma gonna beat you like yer daddy if ya don't get rid of that thing.

BARON
Take it easy, kid.

JOCK
I ain't easy, and I ain't yer kid.

Baron finally disposes of his cancer stick, but that does not mean all is harmonious in the land of the Gunslingers....

BARON
You wanna have it out right here, Mulligan?

JOCK
Thought you'd never ask, Windells.

Preparing to scrape, the boys take off their shirts, revealing their Adonis like physiques to the world. The sight of their gorgeous bodies leads the females in the audience watching on the big screen to pop with delight. However the blowup between the rougnecks never comes to pass, as their attention is caught by the alluring sight of [b]Melody Nerdly[/b] leaning against a red Chevrolet cavalier, with three cans of Budweiser sitting next to her. Her bright blond hair and attractive attire stands in hot contrast to the dreary frost of the surrounding area. The tail of her trench coat flaps out when a draft comes along, revealing a svelte figure poured into cowgirl boots, daisy duke shorts, and a midriff exposing tied up flannel shirt. Luscious blue eyes look the stunned Slingers over, as they fail in their attempt to form a complete sentence in the face of her beauty.

MELODY
(to herself)
Man, my life completely sucks! I have here three frosty piles of fermented starched based goodness, yet thanks to a teenage accident with firecrackers, I have a much smaller bladder then that of your average twenty seven year old woman. If only there were two hunky, young Texans nearby who would aid this damsel in distress in her predicament! Oh, won't someone fall for my transparent scheme to attract attention?

Melody slyly adjusts her trench coat to afford the slobbering Gunslingers and even better view of her titillating outfit. The flesh show is all the boys need to take Melody up on her offer to sip the beer she actually stole from a homeless man who keeps his fecal matter in a jar.

BARON
(whispering to Jock)
How bout that one, Mulligan? Her pert n' perkies are sweeter then cream gravy. Let's bend an elbow with the lass, what do ya say?

JOCK
(stammering)
Uh,um, I..I...I reckon me and my partner here might able to take that bumble bee whiskey off yer hands, miss.

MELODY
Oh good, it's so nice to find suckers stupid enough to fall for my trick. Uh, I mean it's nice to find suckers that are horny enough to appreciate a good rack. Name's Melody, by the way.

BARON
I'm...

MELODY
Don't say it, I already know. You're Baron Windells, two time Texas State Rodeo Champion, and you my nice tall glass of Texas bred milk are Jock Mulligan, the world famous Texas Twister! I spent forty eight straight hours staring at your website, mainly because Los Diablos De Fuego told me you left your webcam on when you were getting undressed. Curse you androgynous Mexicans! I wasted that twenty one free hours of AOL deal on their lies and deceit. Lies make baby Jesus cry, quote [i]The Simpsons[/i]. Say, where you guys really from anyway?

JOCK
San Antonio, Texas, miss.

MELODY
Why you lying sack of fly infested pig crap! When I h@XX0rd your website, it said the domain name was registered in Lubbock.

BARON
Born and raised in San Antone, ma'am.

MELODY
Get out! I'm from right around there. Yeah, grew up in a little old town outside of San Antonio, called Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

JOCK
(to Baron)
Canada ain't nowhere near San Antonio. Everyone knows it's by Tulsa, Oklahoma.

BARON
Quit shootin' your mouth off, Mulligan, and take a good gander at them bouncing betties. I bet they're the biggest toads in this here puddle.

MELODY
So, why are you out by yourselves in this lonely parking garage. I could understand if you were like me, and your only friends are those on your Myspace top eight, but you're the Lonestar Gunslingers, you need to be prepping for your world title match with Drek Stone.

BARON
Uh, Miss boob....Melody, we don't got a world title match tonight.

JOCK
You'd have to have a roster full of boogered up ladies and gents before we ever sniffed the hide of a world title. We ain't even got a match to speak of tonight. Only reason we came, is 'cause they'll fine us a thousand bucks if we don't show up.

BARON
It takes us four weeks just to make that much!

MELODY
You can't be serious. Impossible. Oh my microchips and bit processors, you are serious!  That's ludicrous. City of Boston calling in a bomb scare over an Aqua Teen Hunger Force lite brite, ludicrous. 1-31-07 Never Forget. ATHF #1 in your hood, g. Jock, Baron, you are the hottest entity to come onto cable television since [i]Futurama[/i] reruns. Your matches are some of the most watched videos on YouTube! But instead of taking your rightful place in the main event and capturing a world title to bring respect back to this industry, they have you backstage, patrolling the parking lot for car theives and drinking beer that's just sixty percent homeless man urine. I don't believe this. I need to sit down. I am...I am shocked and appalled that these heartless monsters have conspired to confiscate what little enjoyment I, as a fan, and a human being, am able to derive from this sport. It is disgusting to me, the audience, the wrestlers, and anyone who's ever worked within this business to see that the oaoast stupidly and selfishly refuses to acknowledge that you are shooting stars of immeasurable talent and ability.

JOCK
Well, there ain't a whole lot we can do about it.

MELODY
Of course not! Because you're very stupid. But that doesn't mean anything. So you're never gonna reign supreme on [i]Celebrity Jeopardy[/i]? Big deal! What you need is someone with a vast, and unlimited intellect to harness your talent and guide you through the murky waters of the oaoast. Someone, with the wrestling knowledge to make navigating the awful oaoast jungle as easy as a stroll through the botanical gardens. What you need is your own personal [i]Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy[/i]. A manager!

BARON
Who do ya subreast....ggest....who do ya suggest?

MELODY
Only the sharpest wrestling mind to ever bless these hallowed halls.

JOCK
Don Dokken?

MELODY
The frontman for the late eighties hair metal band Dokken? Um, I was really just talking about me.

JOCK
You?

MELODY
Look, Melody likes what she sees. You're hot.  You're happening. You are what it is now.  And Melody wants to be there. I understand your concerns, my friends, and let me tell you, Melody Nerdly Wrestling Industries ain't called Melody Nerdly Wrestling Industries for nothing!  Because Melody Nerdly only cares about one thing, the money!  Er, the wrestling! 

Jock seems unsure of the offer, obviously sataisfied with being a lower midcarder who hasn't won a match in a year. Baron is concerned with much more important things, such as looking at her breasts.

MELODY
Normally, I don't even hang out with people I know in real life. Most of the time, we have to IM or MMORPG first, but I feel so strongly about this partnership, that I'm leapfrogging all of those steps and getting right to business. Listen, you need Melody on your team, because I am without question the most successful wrestling manager you will ever meet in your life. My credentials are beyond reproach, just check my Xbox 360 gamerscore, gamertag, MelNer420. I have been a part of this business for over seventy five years, and you don't achieve that kind of longevity just by being some fly by night floozy, exploiting uneducated  rednecks in a miserable attempt to preserve her job. Have either of you guys ever heard of a Texas rattlesnake named Steve Austin?

BARON
You know Stone Cold?

MELODY
Heck yes, I know Steve Austin, I played a pivotal role in one of his many world title victories. I remember like it was yesterday.  November of 1999. Wrestlemania 2000 for Nintendo 64 had just arrived in stores to much fanfare. After paying seventy five dollars, thanks to the screwed up currency exchange rate, which I blame on those filthy French Canadians, the entire army of Nerdly children, Melvin, Marvin, Martin, Molly, Me, Maddy, Maggie, Macon, Maxwell, Michelle, Morton, Mindy, Monica, Mitch, Moria, Makela, Malcom,Mandy, and Abdullah Abir, he's adopted, gathered around the basement TV to see who would be the first to claim WWF gold. Melvin picked Triple H. As if a conflicted closest case who shacks up with a pre-operation-female to male tranny like Chyna in order to fit into a heteronormative society, can go higher then the Euro title. Marvin used a Chris Benoit create a wrestler, wound up tagging with Big Bossman and eventually got jobbed out to Droz. Abdullah Abir used the Godfather, lost his first five matches, started rambling about jihad, and the system got locked up by our parents for a bit. But when we got it back, it was Melody's Turn, and Melody was like the cowgirl from hell, taking Stone Cold, to Intercontinental, European, Hardcore and finally world title gold, smacking down that effeminate leatherboy, HBK to win it all. And if all that can be accomplished by an eighteen year old, braces wearing, pimpled face, kind of chubby Melody, what do you think this much better looking and much more confident version of the same woman can do for you?

JOCK
I dunno...

MELODY
She can take you the top, to the top of the tag division, to the top of the OAOAST,and to top of the Space Needle, Malcom got a job as a ticket taker there, he'll sneak us in. How about it, guys?

BARON
It's 'bout time we start takin' some risks,Jock.

MELODY
Ain't no gamble hummin' this Melody, baby. Just straight butter, and we're takin it to the phat farm.

The Slingers step away from Melody to have a huddle over this career altering(destroying?) decision. 

JOCK
Ya think she can do it?

BARON
Who cares what she can do? Look at those crunchberries, Jock. Quit beatin' the devil around the stump, and tell her yes.

Baron's repeated mentions of Melody's large chest is all the convincing Jock seems to need to give the green light to this new partnership.

JOCK
Sounds like you can Cowboy up with The Gunslingers! Welcome aboard, miss.

MELODY
Great, just great, guys. I'll text you as soon as I ink up a contract., and uh, hey, lose the midget, he's cramping the band's image.

BARON
There's no midget 'round here.

MELODY
Great, because he's become a Grade A1 pain in the keister! I gotta take off to pwn teh lamerz at World of Warcraft, and get some L33T armor drops, but you two stay awesome in the meantime.

Melody leaves the scene of her crime, before The Gunslingers get the chance to come to their senses. That probably wouldn't be much of a problem, however, as they're stuck trying to figure out what the hell a “World of Warcraft” and “L33T armor drops” are. We then return to the only slightly less nerdy announce team.

COACH
Futurama? World of Warcraft? Quoting the Simpsons? What a geek! God messed up when he was matching a personality with her body. Dude got lazy.