HD:COD PROMO

[Patty O'Green 0]

wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 

COLE
I don't remember what just happened five seconds ago, but I bet it was awesome! Now let's head backstage where Terry Taylor is with the only two people keeping him employed, Alix Maria Spezia and Krista Isadora Duncan.

And we're whisked backstage where comedic prop extraordinare, Terry Taylor is chillin like a villain in the low budget interview area. He's outfitted in the geekiest of attire, white sweat pants, a gold Anglemania jersey, and thick rimmed glasses. Standing next to him are the much more pleasing sites of tag team champions, Alix and Krista. Alix has packed her figure into a faded green [i]Abercrombie[/i]  hoodie, and a heavily destroyed denim mini skirt. Krista stylishly models a pair of True Religion jeans, overloaded with all over fray distress, and a [i]Primp Lion[/i] pink hoodie, which features cute little lions sprinkled all across the fabric. Fashionable. Very.

TAYLOR
Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Taylor here with oaoast tag team champions, Chicks Over Dicks. As we all know, it's the biggest award season of the year, as all eyes are turned upon Hollywood, where the 79th Academy Awards will be decided this Sunday night. But just a day before that (or a couple days after that, depending on if the shooting permit holds up), a prize almost as important as an Oscar, the oaoast world tag team titles will be contested by Los Angeles natives the South Central Militia and Chicks Over Dicks in the first ever Battle of Los Angels match, broadcasted from Warner Brothers' studio in Burbank, California. The match follows similar rules to a regular contest, pinfalls, and submissions win the bout. But the entire studio functions as the ring, and anything the competitors can get their hands on can be used to win the match. As the lead announcer for the title bout I for one am personally looking forward to it, and not just because I might be able to get Daffy Duck's autograph!

KRISTA
Back the stupidity train into the station of unadulterated ignorance for a second. I'm sorry but did you just claim that a professional wrestling title was as important as the Academy Awards? Because if you did, I'd probably have run you over repeatedly with my Toyota Prius, and I'd hate to do that kind of thing twice in one day.

TAYLOR
I said almost!

KRISTA
Almost as in Hillary Swank is almost as good an actress as Naomi Watts, or almost as in Paris Hilton is almost as good an actress as the Oscar nominated and all around kick ass Meryl Streep?

TAYLOR
The latter. Good lord, definitely the latter. I don't have the health insurance for it to be the former!

KRISTA
Good boy.

TAYLOR
Now, girls, your opponents for the Battle of Los Angeles, the South Central Militia, Vincent “Whitey” Santana, and One Eye Wallace, abused a good hearted charity auction to secure their tag title rematch. What do you....

ALIX
Slow down, go down, got to get your lovin one more time!  I don't think they're actually watching this, Terry! So I'm gonna scream, extra, extra super sized loud so that they can hear me loud and clear! Vinny, Marcy, I'm totally aware of the miserable plight that faces the Los Angeles public school system, and I'm sooooo sensitive to the fact that your schools probably never ever taught you how to work this fancy, newfangled, invention those of us who didn't get our last meal (and our last sexual act for that matter) from a dumpster behind Dairy Queen, call the Television. Can you say that? Tel-e-vision. Goodie goodie gum drops! Now I want you to go find a black or grey box. Within that box will be a dark grey plane of glass. That's a TV! No, silly boys, you're not on the TV, that's your reflection! Reflection starts with an R. R comes after..uh..actually I don't know what R comes after. Who cares this isn't [i]Reading Rainbow[/i]. Go ahead and wave to your reflection! It's waving back! That's totally amazing, huh? Well, that's what your reflection does! Now do you see a little button that says “ON”? O-N. Keep looking, Vinny. No that's volume, no that's a donut, no that's Gene Okerlund's liver spot, no that's the stuck together pages of Terry Taylor's [i]Seventeen[/i] magazine, and we don't judge his sick fixation on sixteen year old pop starlet JoJo around here, so keep hunting for that o-n button, kiddos. Okay, you're getting warmer, you're warmer, you're hot, you're hot, so, so, so hot, you're phat, you're crunk, you're hyphy, you're FERGILICIOUS..DEFINITION MAKE THEM BOYS GO LOCO....you got it! Now press it, gently, very gently! You did it! Now our beautiful, award winning, newest Revlon covergirls faces are right in front of ya. Waaaaait....Vinny, stop that! Don't lick the screen, we're not [i]really[/i] there. Oh god no! No! That disgusting! Marcellus, you pull your pants up right this minute, young man, that is not how we conduct ourselves here in the hallowed halls of the OAOAST! Ooookay, well, there you have it boys, and uh...boys, the exciting world of prime time low rated cable television wrestling at your fingertips. So concludes todays lesson. But, uh, don't get the impression that I'm some kinda of dorky bookish sort......y'know, with pocket protectors and membership in the chess club who never gets laid...I do other things, I have other interests, like standing in front of 7-11 and selling marijuana to fifth graders.

TAYLOR
Well, Alix, I'm sure the Militia are very appreciative of your lesson in modern technology. But I for one think that they are a couple of, pardon my frankness, disrespectful jerks...

ALIX
Disrespectful jerks? Wow, dude, careful there, that envelope might take itself a tumble with the way you're recklessly pushing it! Hammer don't hurt 'em!

TAYLOR
Krista, as someone who can more articulately state her distaste for those with a y chromosome then I, I'd like to get your thoughts on the Militia. No doubt, they're mighty tough foes, who have given many oaoast tag teams fits. They are, after all, a pair of very bad men.

KRISTA
Woah! Here I was, a simpleton of the highest order, thinking that after the announcers repeated that same line ad nauseum every time the viewers of America were unlucky enough to suffer the cruel and unusual punishment of a south central militia match, that that point had hit home, took a nice bubble bath, watched some Leno, checked it's e-mail, dropped some comments on Facebook, and fell asleep. When in reality it was standing on the lone highway of thoughts, cold, alone and miserable, desparetly trying to hitch its way towards "No Shit" city. But then you, a hero amongst heroes, rode along in your "Statingthefuckingobvious” mobile and decided to drive it home at 100 mph. Thank you, dear sir, for without your kind services and good heart, who knows at what time the point would have gotten home. Alix, a true American hero stands among us hedonistic Zionists and far left commie thought terrorists. Show respect for a patriot!

ALIX
(singing. poorly.)
Got in a little hometown jam, so they put a rifle in maaah haaand, sent me off to a foreign laaaand, to go and kill the yellow maaaan, Boooooorn in the u.s.aaaaaa., I was boooooorn in the u.s.aaaaa.!

TAYLOR
God damn it, Krista, you're a hateful temptresses. But I'll make a woman out of you, if it kills me. Now then, I have to believe that you're somewhat upset that the Militia have corrupted the spirit of what was supposed to be an auction that spread the message of peace and understanding. Am I right?

KRISTA
How could I be mad at the SCM? It warms the coffers of my blackened cancerous heart, to know that while I continue to lead the life of an insane alcoholic recluse hellbent on a prolonged suicidal spiral into a booze filled abyss , there are peeps out in the world that have a firm lip lock on life's rock hard phallus and refuse to let go till they've deep throated every last droplet of that fun-loving, wealth providing seed. Drink up, South Central Militia! Let the piping hot sperm of achievement trickle down your thirsty gullet of success! Terry, how could I ever hold any ill will towards Vincent Santana and his chocolate prince, Marcellus One Eye Wallace? Possibly wasting my weekend, for absolutely no extra money or real purpose, by handing the SCM their asses at the studio that produced such thought provoking, and emotionally riveting fare as [i]Osmosis Jones[/i], [i]Catwoman[/i], and [i]Malibu's Most Wanted[/i] may be that unattainable high that I know I'll never reach again. What a couple of punkass bitches.

ALIX
Yeah! You tell 'em my honey covered love biscuit!

TAYLOR
Punkass bitches? Krista, you just said....

KRISTA
It's called Sarcasm, Terry, maybe if you had the capacity to actually be entertaining, you might one day be able to utilize it. Until then, keep your chin up and keep shooting for that rainbow, young buck. But what I'm about to tell you is the realness, coming for you, too fast, too furious. I'd call the Militia  worthless pieces of shit, but the esteemed fecal category is an honor that should only be reserved for golden nuggets such as yourself, Bill O'Reiley, Tim Hardaway, or Christian Wright and Theodore Moneymaker. Unfortunately, I think One Eye and the skinny white meth addict, I forgot his name, have successfully rammed their way through the doors of the pieces of shit hall of fame, because the eternal case of diarrhea that is the Militia continues to undulate the Los Angeles area with it's special brand of festering, rotten, discolored, fecal water. Well, as a tax paying resident of the City of Angels, I say it's high time for an enema of epic proportions. In the gene pool of my fair city, they're the urine spot left by the retarded fat kid, and thus the rest of the denizens can only thank god herself that we are not them.

ALIX
Power to the people, my golden haired sugar fairy!

KRISTA
Militia, what I, Krista Isadora Duncan, soon to be PhD, author of an insanely popular advice column on Cosmo's website, and maker of one hell of a tuna casserole suggest that you do, is instead of showing up for a Battle of Los Angles match, you stay where you live, right on 90th street in South Central LA, because as far as I, your queen and ruler, am concerned that is your entire world, that is your entire Los Angeles. Your Los Angeles begins at Sweet Lou's chop suey, and ends several steps later at Chung's Exxon Mobile. Your Los Angeles doesn't have a Beverly Center, it doesn't have a Riot Hyatt, a Dodger Stadium, a Roxy, a Tower Records, or a Whiskey A Go Go. Your LA has a Popeyes, a Joe's Liquor and bail bonds, a Blockbuster that's so out of date they still rent Colecovision, and a one eyed hooker with a third nipple that everyone visits, but won't admit it. 

ALIX
One eyed? Hooker? Third Nipple? With? Hey, you know my Aunt Lucinda! Tell her little Ally said hi!

KRISTA
(cont)
That's your LA, 90th street,  nothing else. Everything outside of 90th is my LA, and mine alone. And if you bums cross that thin red line into Krista Isadora Duncan's territory, for any reason whatsoever, I promise you that I will lodge everyone of my five hundred pairs of shoes right up your ass. You'll eat Lacoste, shit Juicy Couture, spit Guess, piss Taryn Rose, vomit Adidas, and breathe Kenneth Cole. So what I suggest you do, if you want to avoid a steady diet of six hundred dollar Kate Spade pumps, is forget the Battle of Los Angeles, go into Joe's Liquor and Bail Bonds, get yourself a bottle of Crown Royal, on me, sit your asses down on the curb and be thankful your queen even let you have that.  I'm Krista Isadora Duncan, and I'm such a bad woman, AIDS is too scared to catch me.

TAYLOR
My word! SCM, if you have any idea of what's good for you, you'll stay on 90th street and 90th street alone! And if you happen to make your way down to Popeyes, pick me up a 12 strip dinner. Love that chicken from Popeyes! Fans, I'm Terry Taylor, and I will see you in Hollywood. Good night, and good health.

Edited February 22, 2007 by Patty O'Green