HD:Dinner with Theodore & Alix

[Patty O'Green 0]

w/assist from Tony149.

 

COLE
Folks, the oaoast investigative bureau, dug into The Enterprise's video vault earlier this morning to unearth some interesting footage that was shot just one day ago. Let's take a look....

[B]RECORDED WENDESDAY THE 27TH[/B]

The scene is [color="#0000FF"][b]Oceanwell[/b][/color], a three year old Miami restaurant, owned by the infamously wealthy Moneymaker family. The amazing South Beach stunner is renowned among wealthy Miami residents for it's cutting edge cusine, and food that sings a bright flurry of notes, each announcing that you have finally reached culinary shangri-la. Though the establishment would typically be loaded down with socialites debating over whether to get the tomato gazpacho or wild venison tataki, that is not the case tonight. It's sole patron is it's owner, Theodore Moneymaker, dressed for a fantastic occasion in a thousand dollar navy suit. Beside him resides his dutiful comrade, Christopher Patrick Allen, muscular physique uncomfortably crammed into a white button down shirt and a pair of black slacks.

THEODORE MONEYMAKER
She's late. Very late as a matter of fact. See, I wanted to send a car out for her, chauffeur her to this five star establishment, as any man of my stature might do for a beautiful guest. But no, that floozy has effectively been brainwashed by that out-of-touch wrench of a woman. I am woman, hear me roar. Pfft. I am Theodore Moneymaker, and you don't want to feel my wrath. To stand up a member of the Moneymaker clan up is to court a punishment worse then death. Hahahahahaha!

CPA (patting Theodore on the shoulder)
Right on, boss.

Silence ensues when the sound of a car is heard in the background, screeching tires and all. A pink sports car pulls up in front of the restaurant.[/b] Several seconds later the front door swings open to reveal the guest of honor, Miss Alix Maria Spezia. Unlike her host and his lackey, Alix isn't exactly dressed for fine dinning establishment eating. Outfitted a dark grey Abercombie t-shirt that houses the number 31 in bright orange font, and short white shorts, she certainly does not fit the restaurant's high standards of dress. Theodore is scarcely able to brush aside his intense disgust for her lack of respect for his family's time honored dress code.

ALIX SPEZIA
Heeeeere's Allllly!

Moneymaker puts on a sign of false humility and strides across the marble floor with head bowed in respect. He takes Alix's hand in a bowed embrace, which causes her to lick him....? Well, not her exactly but her Yorkshire Terrier. Yes, you read that right. Masking disgust, he moves to her other hand. A sharp pain instantly appears on his cheek followed by a soft trickle of blood. His eyes drift to find the cause of his wound, but they don't move far as a fluffy white kitten is staring him in the face. Theo tries has hardest to appear clam and relaxed while he address Alix over her unusual tag alongs.

MONEYMAKER
You, uh, brought your pets with you?

ALIX
A horse is a horse, of course, of course! A mommy should never leave her babies at home. This is my doggie Nikki (Alix grabs the dog's paw and makes it wave) He's waving at you! Isn't he just the cutest widdle thing? And this is his kitty Shayne.

MONEYMAKER
They are ador....wait, stop, your dog has a cat?

ALIX
It was a kawanza gift. Gawd, I was such a proud grandmommy when he rediscovered his West African roots at such a young age.  
(to CPA)
Fight the power, all the way, right, brother?

CPA
B-) 

ALIX
Yeah, right on!

MONEYMAKER
Is the cat a boy or a girl?

ALIX
We don't know, it hasn't really decided yet. I feel it's very important to allow gender identity to be a choice between feline, spirit, and possibly a pair of scissors and some band aids.

MONEYMAKER
Goodness, I thought I was the only one who felt that way! Christopher, my good man, why don't you attend to the pretty kitties? You know, have a little fun with them, if you know what I mean.

CPA
Loud and clear, boss. 

A sinister glee on his face, CPA takes Alix's pets into his arms. The animals have no wish to spend their time with the surly bruiser and desperately try to escape his clutches.

CPA
(to the pets)
Be afraid of the big black man. Be very afraid. Heh heh heh.

ALIX  (mocking Moneymaker's trademark comic book villain laughter)
Mwaaaahhaaaahha!

MONEYMAKER (barely able to suppress his annoyance)
Bring anymore of your stu-- I mean pets?

ALIX
Just Terry Taylor, but he can wait in the car.

MONEYMAKER
Far better accommodations then he deserves! With animal control situated, I think that introductions are in order! Aside from our unfortunate tussle at Mainframe Monday, I don't believe we have properly made each others acquaintance, I am very humbled to meet you...

ALIX
Woah, and I thought I had a crappy name! Very humbled to meet you? That name totally sucks!

MONEYMAKER
I agree. Thankfully it is not mine. I am Theodore Moneymaker, and I am humble tireless servant of a demanding and all too fickle public. The big guy over there is my personal debt collector and Enterprise Director of Security, Christopher Patrick Allen. CPA for short. And you, my beautiful starlet, are Alix Maria Spezia. I have admired you from a far for quite some time. I saw you at the Oscars on Sunday, and you were beyond stunning, a true picture of female brilliance. Dare I say you made Reese Witherspoon look like the decaying maggot filled corpse of the late Ava Gardner.

ALIX
That is like the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in the past twenty minutes! Yeah it was a killer time, except the whole not allowed within fifty feet of Jodie Foster by order of the California courts kinda put a damper on things. But I think with suitable brainwashing and mind altering drugs, she and I can become best of buds!

MONEYMAKER
What you hold in true in your heart will come true in reality, that's what I've always been told.

ALIX
That's funny, I was always told, if the waters blue it's for you, if it's yellow your in trouble!

MONEYMAKER
That could probably save you few bucks on laundry detergent, that much is for sure. Um, yes, I believe our chef, named chef of the year by the Miami Herald is almost done with dinner, perhaps we should take a seat so that we may get into the matters of the day?

Moneymaker leads Alix to her seat, holding her chair out for her like a true gentlemen should. Unfortunately his moment of politeness comes to an involuntary halt when his cellphone rings. The consummate business man, Moneymaker pulls it from his coat pocket to answer the call. However his hyperactive guest, interjects herself, snatching the phone from his fingers and acting as his secretary for the night.

ALIX (in a sultry voice)
Hi, if you're eighteen or over and have access to a valid credit card, then stay on the line and get ready to get hot, sweaty, and horny, with the sexiest Latin babes in...

Trying his damnedest not to explode at Alix's unceasing goofiness, Moneymaker snatches the phone from her hands, and nervously slides it next to his ear.

MONEYMAKER
Uh...hello Mr. President. 

ALIX
The president?! Dude, would Krista love to get her hands on him. Gimmie the phone so I can give Dubbya a piece of my mind!

MONEYMAKER
(fighting off Alix)
Very sorry about that, sir. Yes, always willing to lend my country a helping hand. This weekend? Excellent, sir. Okay...okay...okay. Bye. 

ALIX
You didn't give me the phone! Meanie!

MONEYMAKER
You never said please.

ALIX
Oh, no! Mother told me one day that'd come back to haunt me.

MONEYMAKER
Well, perhaps, you might tell me a bit about yourself. You are such an intriguing individual. But so much of what I know of you is gleaned from [i]People[/i] magazine articles or Ned's strungout ramblings. Tell me about your life. Please.

He leans in the close, the candle on the table flickering bellow his green eyes. A grin passes onto his lips, letting Alix know his keen interest of her history.

ALIX
The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.  Waaaaait, that wasn't my life, that was a monolouge from [i]Austin Powers[/i]. Oopsie!

Theodore leans back in his chair, beaming with false admiration of this unique woman.

MONEYMAKER
You....are like no one I have ever met before.

ALIX
Ya know, I get that alot. But this is the first time it hasn't been followed by an admittance to a state psychiatric facility.

Shunning the idea of service with a smile, a glum waiter drags his weary carcass to the table, pushing a cart containing the exquisite entres of the night.

WAITER
Dinner is served, sir. Anything else I can do for you? Shoe shine? Tap dance? Soft shoe routine? Minstriel Show?

MONEYMAKER
No, thank you. Everything is just fine. Keep up this fine service and you might find a shiny nickel in your pant pocket when the night is over.

WAITER (muttering to himself)
You might find a shiny boot stuck up your....

MONEYMAKER
What's that?

WAITER
Nothing sir. Nothing at all.

ALIX
Oooh lookie, your awesome waiter arranged the noodles to spell out the words “HELP ME! I AM BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL! SEND WORD TO MY FAMILY IN KENYA THAT I AM ALIVE BUT NOT WELL!” Cute!

Wright turns to CPA and motions towards the waiter, nodding towards the kitchen, and angrily making a throat slashing gesture. Alix meanwhile has turned strangely serious.

ALIX
Not that a free trip to Miami isn't the awesomest thing ever, buuuuuuut can I ask why I'm here? I mean, you know, we're not Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts on the friendship scale. There isn't a whole lot in common between the twenty eight year old, peyote smoking, owner of a tiny gourmet cookie shop in West Hollywood, and a twenty four year old billion dollar heir, who has the ravaged facial features and eyes of eternal despair that typically belong to a forty three year old meth addict sleeping on the side of the Sunset Blvd exit on the 101.

MONEYMAKER
You'd be surprised. You and I really are a lot alike.

ALIX
Ya sure about that?

MONEYMAKER
Unquestionably. When you look past the philosophical differences, the sociological nuances,and exterior framework, you see that the psychological trappings are simply two of a kind. If I may be so bold, the same things make us feel good.

ALIX
Ooooh, like wearing thongs backwards.

MONEYMAKER
Okay, some of the same things. One of those things that shines light upon our hearts is the role of leadership.

ALIX
Oh, I have natural leadership skills. Like, in high school I was alternate assistant captain of the pom squad. But that was until they kicked me out after I got into a fist fight with our celebrity fundraiser. The cops totally overreacted! Who knew Scott Baio would be in a coma for six weeks? As for the old man who ended up in the hospital? If someone had told me he was an arch bishop ahead of time, maybe I would've told him not to smoke near the helium tank.

MONEYMAKER
So you understand? You, like me, are a leader of men. We are ones who shine the beacon for the lost dregs of America to follow. Forgive me if I get to personal with my commentary, but I must confide in someone. I have long yearned to ascend to the very heights of executive power within my family's expansive business ventures. But time and time again I am shut out, to no fault of my own. And why?

ALIX
Because you're hideously ugly?

MONEYMAKER
No! Well, possibly. No, because they say my time will come when I'm older....possibly wiser. Nonsense. Age is no measure of wisdom. They keep me from power, from true leadership, because it is the last hold my family has on me. This is how they control me. Once I have complete dominance over the Moneymaker empire how will they make me do their bidding?

ALIX
It's not like they can make you do it now.

MONEYMAKER
I know, I know. That's the precisely the point, my dear. I am younger then any male in the Moneymaker family. Wiser. Stronger. Better. They pleaded with me not to fight with Tony, that traitorous cancer. I left Tony for dead! He will never show his face within the oaoast again and that is because of me! The supposed strongest man in my family, turned into a weeping child at my feet. And if they can't control me now, how will they once I acquire true leadership within the family? I will become more powerful then the entire Moneymaker clan put together! That is why they keep me down. They fear my power. They fear [i]me[/i].

ALIX
Ah-ha.

MONEYMAKER
They fear my rise to leadership because of what I might do with it. All my life I have been instructed that preservation of the Moneymaker name was the most paramount drive of my life. Even if it's preservation came at the expense of those in need, those in the lower classes. As a young boy, even in my early twenties, I thought nothing of that order, I was concerned with nothing but sitting around the pool, and screwing anything that moved. But as I got older, I looked around, and I saw that the work of my family wasn't going towards the betterment of society as a whole. No. It seemed all my family's efforts were singularly devoted to the task of oppressing as many people as possible. I spent my whole life climbing a mountain only to find its the wrong mountain.

ALIX
Mountains can't be wrong! Unless they're underwater, then they're islands.

MONEYMAKER
That's why I formed The Enterprise, to advance my own goals of eternal love, caring, and tolerance. Sometimes our methods have been called into question.  But I feel that what we're doing is for the benefit of the greater good. My conscience is not clear, but my heart truly is. But thanks to my last name and the atrocities attached to it, people have lost all respect for what I might be able to contribute. I am shunned by the left wingers as a fraud. Detested by the right as a traitor.  

ALIX
Then why did the President call you if the right detests you?

MONEYMAKER
(under breath)
Hmm, you're smarter than you look.

ALIX
Huh?

MONEYMAKER
I mean, when I speak for fairness and equal rights I am ignored at best, mocked at worst. My power is starting to dwindle, my leadership is being called into question. And both will surely erode should I not take hold of some kind of platform, a symbol that would cause people the world over to stand behind me, unified, knowing that I am a.....[i]champion[/i]

ALIX
Can we kinda move this along? I'm starting to sober up, which might explain why I no longer see Hendrix's head sticking out of your right elbow.

MONEYMAKER
I'll be blunt. I need your help in obtaining that symbol. I thought winning the Anderson Cup would've been sufficient, but it's only fanned the flames of disdain! There's no satisfying these beasts! Alix Maria Spezia, I need your tag team titles. I know we're scheduled to do battle at Anglemania, but that's exactly what they want us to do. Divide and conquer. They don't want a unified front fighting for equality, they want to see us destroy each other. We can't fight. Too much harm would come from that. Now, I would do anything to ensure that you and Krista remain healthy champions for not months, but years to come. But in this current political climate, that simply isn't an option. Action must be taken, and the prestige of your championship coupled with my wealth is the exact combination we need to right the wrongs set forth by oppressors. I understand that this is an [i]Inconvenient Truth[/i] for you, that is why I am willing to offer you a monetary settlement for your championship belts.

Besieged by indignation, Ally leaps from her chair in horror, casting a disgusted look towards the suddenly pale face of Moneymaker. CPA rises from his seat, readying himself to defend his less then honorable employee should the need arise.

ALIX
Ewwww! I knew it! I knew it! At first I thought you just waiting till you bored me to sleep so you could slip something in my drink and fondle my helpless body. 

SIMON
(behind camera)
Damn! How'd she know about that?

NED
(also behind camera)
Shut up and keep filming.

ALIX
But this is way worse! I would never in fifty trillion, eighty billion, sixty gazillion years sell you...how, much are we talkin' about?

MONEYMAKER
Three hundred thousand dollars.

ALIX
I'll never sell the tag team titles to you! Shyea right! Like you could sweet talk me, “oh you're like no one I've ever met before, you looked so good at the Oscars, ooh I wanna spank your booty [i]Secretary[/i] style.” Puh-leaze, I wasn't born yesterday, and if I was how would you explain my ability to walk or talk or do long division. Answer: You couldn't! You wanna help the poor and  the oppressed, huh? Attention K-Mart shoppers, we have a special on lying assholes on aisle six, and  a sale on enormous pricks in aisle four! Yeah right! Los Diablos are the most oppressed guys I've ever met in all my six lives, and you poured out hundreds of thousands of dollars to harass, attack, make fun of, and assault them almost every week! The tag team titles aren't a symbol of anything to you. They're just some cheap piece of jewelry you can show off to make you feel like your better then everyone else. Yeah,well guess what, chico, they're my cheap piece of jewelry that I'm using to belittle those of lower social and economic status and they aren't for sale. Unless of course you're willing to go up to five hundred thousand dollars. And a pony. I love, love, love, ponies! But unless you can pull a pony out your BUTT, in which case you should have a prostate exam like right now, then forget it, because you're never gonna get it! Never ever gonna get it!

MONEYMAKER
Damn it, girl, are you that much of a fool? Do you not realize the offer being presented to you? Open your eyes, woman, and wake up to reality, The Enterprise is an unstoppable force, a machine that mows down any in it's path without discrimination. All who have stood before The Enterprise have fallen and fallen hard! When The Enterprise sets it sight on you, there is no escape. None! I do not care how famous, how popular you and your girlfriend happen to be. The Moneymaker empire crushes everything. Do you not understand the severity of the situation our winning the Anderson Cup has put you in? I am doing you a favor! I'm giving you the chance to spare yourself and your partner a sound thrashing at Anglemania from the finely honed wrestling skills of Anderson Cup winners. Not only that but I am paying you a handsome reward, when in truth it should be you offering me money for this extension of mercy. You should be on your knees, thanking me for the offering I just presented you!

ALIX
Unlike, you and Christian on the weekends, I don't get down on my knees for any man. If I'm not gonna say no to drugs, I'm sure gonna say no to offers that sound like they came from someone on drugs. N-O, mister! Now if you'll excuse I have to make like a banana and leave....er make like a tree and split. Wait, crap! You know what I meant, I don't have to repeat it.

Alix rises from her table and snatches her pets, who look fine but wait until a few hours later, from CPA, then departs out the door. Theodore gazes at the spot where the vexatious woman once resided, his rumpled features pushed down into agonized despair. With troubled mind, he bleakly motions to Simon Singleton to cease filming. But owing to some warped journalistic credo, The Video Voyeur keeps the camera rolling.

MONEYMAKER
Hmmmmm. Not as stupid as I was lead to believe. It's unthinkable that she of all people saw through my ruse that easily. One way or another, their title reign will be coming to an abrupt ending, and I promise you this, Miss Spezia, that ending will assuredly come before Anglemania.  Haahhhaahaha!

NED (off screen)
You the man, Theo! Haaahahhahaa!

CPA
Haahaahhaa!

Shockingly Ally makes a quick return to the restaurant, giving hope to Moneymaker's frayed heart that has ill fated deal may be resurrected.

ALIX
Forgot my purse!

She snatches her handbag, and departs once more, leaving Moneymaker to stew over his failed plot as we fade out.