WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 6/13/2002

[Guest]

Hey, it's all unified now. That sucks. So does all this comical attempts at wrestling, so here we go.

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Oh, WOLF LAKE is about werewolves? THAT SOUNDS GREAT! (Got pad out this side of the ledger big time this time out. Oh yeah. It's slim pickins, big man.)

 

- Hurricane and TEST have a King Of The Ring match. Nidia and Jamie should do a whole COPS thing- with Jamie Noble always in cut-off sweatpants, no shirt and flip-flops- screeching, "I LOVE HER! MOTHERFUCK.... I just wanna... hey man... you understand whay ah'm sayin'.. she's fucked up and ah don't wanna hurt her....MOTHERFUCK! Fuck you, man, you don't unnerstan... I LOVE HER!" Meanwhile Nidia could always be wearing a big Mickey Mouse t-shirt and red teddy and a black eye. This was pretty fucking close. If they show them fucking in the back seat of a powder blue Duster on blocks under the the satellite dish, I will know that Heyman does know everything there is to know about what motivates the basic wrestling fan. Me being a basic wrestling fan. The match was a squash but the match is forgotten because Test is really boring and Hurricane, Nidia and Noble are fucking fascinating in this cockamamie set up. HE's a crazy redneck wrestler who thinks he's a superhero! She's a redneck Jersey chick who fucks like a beast! Her boyfriend is an actual Southern redneck who is totally possessed by his first piece of divine Northern pussy. Fuck the police, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE if you've lived right and drank enough Beam's Choice in your life.

 

- Lance Storm and Chris Jericho tag together as evil Canadians. Valbowski and Billy Kidman are tagging for some reason. I'm assuming this is so Kidman can get his pin back. Valbowski is the Good Canadian though they gloss over it (for good reason. Why bring it up just because I do?). Kidman is from Pennsylvania which is very close to Canada in the whole scheme of things, I suppose. None of that matters. I'm sorry I brought it up. Valbowski has lots of good midgrade offense. Kidman hits the gentlest Cross-Body in the history of wrestling, but Lance gets back on the offensive side as Jericho has a ThrillSeekers flashback with a really nice combo Hotshot. They do one of those ridulously short heat segments on Kidman, thus Valbowski doesn't really have a psychological starting point for being such a house afire. Kidman hits the gentlest Shooting Star Press I have ever seen. Tazz uses the word "damn" awkwardly. They have shenanigans and hijinx and Kidman wins anyway. Note to self: don't watch wrestling where they actually work stiff all week and then watch Billy Kidman and Lance Storm pillowfight in the ring.

 

- Devon was great talking ill of the masturbation that all the teenage kids are into these days. Surprisingly, Farooq comes out and speaks up for the Orgy Of One. Farooq masturbates and SAYS SO. Hey, if former All-American middle linebacker from the Florida State Seminoles can admit to it then- godammit- I'm proud to say that I too have been known to take a long shower with my secret softsoap girlfriend. I've been known to wander off the pure and true wrestling path when surfing the internet when my family is not home. YES! I BLUDGEON THE LUMMOX AND SO SHOULD YOU. Toast a load and think of ME!

 

- Trish and Linda Myles take on Ivory and Jackie and this is really okay wrestling. This is 1,000,000,000,000,000% stiffer than Lance and Kidman were twenty-five minutes ago. This won't make me forget Meiko Satomura or anything, but they are getting much better. Match of the NIGHT! Yep.

 

- - They beat down Hogan while he is walking to have that Main Event. mul{DOOMSTONE} notices that Angle is Nise Buddy Roberts with that hair. The thing about kicking Hogan's ass early is that superworkers HHH and Angle can carry the match so Welcome To Overbooking Making For A Better Match. HHH bumps like a freak in this and UT tries in a very Lex Lugery way. HHH comes out looking really strong and UT looks like a pussy. Angle bumps gigantic to get HHH on offense and UT and Angle never cut him off. They never establish a need for Hogan to run in and save him. This sucked from a booking standpoint. UT look like shit, Angle looks like a nonthreat and Hogan looks like a complete pussy. A handicap match and UT and Angle win by DQ? What the fuck? They end with HHH and Hogan punching Angle until his sweet sweet male ass is exposed and suddenly it's 5 star affair. mul{DOOMSTONE] comments on the fact that Hogan looks even more like Bugsy Mcgraw with the headgear. Nobody can save HHH from destroying himself as a tough guy by doing a posedown with Hogan. Anyone hwo would like this is a moron.

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- The first 12,000 minutes of the show was all about the state of the WWE. Steve Austin may have had the right idea- as I'm sure a middle aged man babbling on about his owning of a wrestling company that doesn't actually emphasize wrestling blew the roof of the ratings and BROUGHT IT ALL BACK! Undertaker comes out and they have a contract signing. I'm bored with this fucking federation, it's time for me to write the rest of this like a bad English major padding a term paper to see how many words I can fill while the take a shot at trying to heat up this turd of a Main Event- LET'S SEE, SHALL WE: Black clad and his gate rambling in time with bellowing banshee-like caterwaul of Lemmy and Motorhead- whom one would suppose is really low on funds for his meth amphetamine habit- a monkey on his back that forces him to compromise his status as Hawkwind bass-player and houseboat live, a man who once said YOU KNOW ME, EVIL EYE! YOU KNOW ME PREPARE TO DIE! YOU NO ME THE SNAKEBITE HISS! THE DEVIl'S CLAW- THE IRONFIST! They sit on the plain brown table, sanded with fine grit and polished to a fine gloss, a crystal lake amid the lowbrow camp of the pseudo-disheveled ring and HHH hurls the chair willy-nilly into the crowd- as if the chair were the VILLIAN! Not the owner and ruler of his life!! HHH is angry. His chin is arrogant and protruding from the copious amounts of Human Growth Hormone he has injected in his life time. The reason this didn't work is because no one in the world wants to see this match. Triple HHH or HHHHHHHHHH bashes the table like a pansy and then curses because he is HARDCORE! He says he wants the DEADMAN! Would that be the UPN exec that said, "Yeah sure, let them waste the first 35 minutes of the show with that big nose guy sitting in the middle of the ring by himself"- how could be sure?

 

- Chuck brings his sweet ass to the STICK~! and we REVEL IN IT! HHH insinuates that Chuck and Billy suck each others dicks. HHH calls his penis a sledgehammer, I think. Oh, he was talking about an actual sledgehammer and he hits them with a sledgehammer them with it. They talk about a freaky look in HHH's eyes and the crowd is canned-level "Excited!" about not seeing anything done in the ring. HHH attacks the announcers table. The furniture is taking a beating this night of nights! This resembles that night that the NWO changed the set of Nitro and EVERYBODY in America turned the station to see if they were showing any reruns of "Mama's Family" on channel 65.

 

-Hardcore Holly squashes Tajiri and it doesn't bode well for the vaunted WWE Cruiserweight division having a HOT RUN~! anytime soon. I get the feeling that the words "shocking, candid and heartfelt" were scripted for Tazz as he didn't sound like he was rolling them off the cuff as he hyped the WWE Confidential that I'm assuming will bury the guy who saved their collective asses from bankruptcy after the Boricquas vs the Nation Domination wasn't beating the NWO in head-to-head ratings. Meanwhile, in the ring, Teddy Long has flashbacks to reffing WCW King matches where Silver King would job to Bryan Adams in this amount of time and Teddy thinks to himself, "What will they do next? Hire Nash, lose control backstage and lose Steve Austin forever? Oh wait..." Holly's offense is horrendous. PEEEEEEYOOOOO!

 

- They set up Hogan vs Angle for King Of The Ring. Hogan says the word "sack" just like Syxx did calling out Flair on Nitro when they were almost going to have an interesting 4 Horsemen vs nWo fued on Nitro. I remember they fucked that up pretty soon after that. This show is bringing back disturbing memories.

 

- Dawn Marie appears to have drooled all over her own tits. Vince puts his tongue in a stripper's mouth.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN.

[Guest]

HE's a crazy redneck wrestler who thinks he's a superhero! She's a redneck Jersey chick who fucks like a beast! Her boyfriend is an actual Southern redneck who is totally possessed by his first piece of divine Northern pussy. Fuck the police, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE if you've lived right and drank enough Beam's Choice in your life.

Greatest. Paragraph. Ever.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

I don't even know why I bother to watch the shows.  These reports are so, so much better.

 

DEAN is my hero.  After Castro.

[Guest Goodear]

I do and always will love my DEAN~!...

 

Hey, it's all unified now. That sucks. So does all this comical attempts at wrestling, so here we go.

 

Man, if it is unified, where are all the RAW wrestlers?  Why is Tazz saying the Smackdown broads are hotter than the RAW broads?  Why do I give a good gawd damn?

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Oh, WOLF LAKE is about werewolves? THAT SOUNDS GREAT! (Got pad out this side of the ledger big time this time out. Oh yeah. It's slim pickins, big man.)

 

I don't know about you, but when I have a show about werewolves, the people better not just change into wolves... they better be 7' tall engines of destruction that rip off heads and eat livers and not look like the cast of Northern Exposure.

 

HE's a crazy redneck wrestler who thinks he's a superhero! She's a redneck Jersey chick who fucks like a beast! Her boyfriend is an actual Southern redneck who is totally possessed by his first piece of divine Northern pussy. Fuck the police, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE if you've lived right and drank enough Beam's Choice in your life.

 

Eh, the Test thing was okay in that it wasn't offensively bad.  But I'll be damned if that everytime Jamie and Nidia show up, I'm talking on the phone and have the show on mute.  I feel like I'm missing out on Southern accents.  At least I still get to see the make out sessions.  Seeing Jamie wearing a cape and cut off jeans should be one heck of a look if I do say so myself.

 

- Lance Storm and Chris Jericho tag together as evil Canadians.

 

I thought this was disappointing after actually seeing how The Thrillseekers used to double team the bejesus out of their opponents in Smokey Mountain like they were the second coming of the Rockers or something.  One double team move didn't fill up that desire in my little black heart and I demand compensation.  Is any wrestler in the world more "just there" than Val?  He does things okay enough that you don't go "wow that sucked" but not good enough so you're all "wow that was good"... Billy didn't do the powerbomb thing again, I think the world's magnetic poles must be shifting.

 

-  I've been known to wander off the pure and true wrestling path when surfing the internet when my family is not home. YES! I BLUDGEON THE LUMMOX AND SO SHOULD YOU. Toast a load and think of ME!

 

I think about a lot of things... space chicks, biker chicks, wrestling chicks, but I am not ... NOT .... thinking about DEAN~! chicks.  NOT GONNA HAPPEN

 

- Trish and Linda Myles take on Ivory and Jackie and this is really okay wrestling. This is 1,000,000,000,000,000% stiffer than Lance and Kidman were twenty-five minutes ago. This won't make me forget Meiko Satomura or anything, but they are getting much better. Match of the NIGHT! Yep.

 

Going a bit overboard aren't you DEAN~!?  I mean Jackie could only throw some of the worst knees I've ever seen (although she gets points for using it like a weapon) and Ivory didn't hit the knee drive thing well in the least.  But on the plus side, the handstand rana was different and neat.

 

Nobody can save HHH from destroying himself as a tough guy by doing a posedown with Hogan. Anyone hwo would like this is a moron.

 

You said this last week, and you are even more right now.  YIKES.... knock it off there sport.

 

I'm too tired to talk about the rest of the show... I hope no one minds.

 

I HEART DEAN~!

[Guest chirs3]

His chin is arrogant and protruding from the copious amounts of Human Growth Hormone he has injected in his life time. The reason this didn't work is because no one in the world wants to see this match. Triple HHH or HHHHHHHHHH bashes the table like a pansy and then curses because he is HARDCORE! He says he wants the DEADMAN! Would that be the UPN exec that said, "Yeah sure, let them waste the first 35 minutes of the show with that big nose guy sitting in the middle of the ring by himself"?

 

Dean, you fucking rule.

[Guest]

I do and always will love my DEAN~!...

 

DR: And I love my Goodear...

 

Hey, it's all unified now. That sucks. So does all this comical attempts at wrestling, so here we go.

 

Man, if it is unified, where are all the RAW wrestlers?  Why is Tazz saying the Smackdown broads are hotter than the RAW broads?  Why do I give a good gawd damn?

 

DR: I'm scared that the TV WRITERS~! that ruin RAW (from what I hear) are gonna ruin everything right that Heyman does, but who knows....

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Oh, WOLF LAKE is about werewolves? THAT SOUNDS GREAT! (Got pad out this side of the ledger big time this time out. Oh yeah. It's slim pickins, big man.)

 

I don't know about you, but when I have a show about werewolves, the people better not just change into wolves... they better be 7' tall engines of destruction that rip off heads and eat livers and not look like the cast of Northern Exposure.

 

DR: If they just become wolves, that would be SOOO lame.  UPN! WHY DO YOU TAUNT MEEEEE!??

 

HE's a crazy redneck wrestler who thinks he's a superhero! She's a redneck Jersey chick who fucks like a beast! Her boyfriend is an actual Southern redneck who is totally possessed by his first piece of divine Northern pussy. Fuck the police, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE if you've lived right and drank enough Beam's Choice in your life.

 

Eh, the Test thing was okay in that it wasn't offensively bad.  But I'll be damned if that everytime Jamie and Nidia show up, I'm talking on the phone and have the show on mute.  I feel like I'm missing out on Southern accents.  At least I still get to see the make out sessions.  Seeing Jamie wearing a cape and cut off jeans should be one heck of a look if I do say so myself.

 

DR: God, it's the only thing I'm genuinely excited about on this show.  It's such an "ECW done well" type angle.  Actually it's Heyman reusing the Dr Tom Pritchard vs Dirty White Boy and Dirty White Girl angle from Alabama in 1988- which is what this world needs more of.  

 

- Lance Storm and Chris Jericho tag together as evil Canadians.

 

I thought this was disappointing after actually seeing how The Thrillseekers used to double team the bejesus out of their opponents in Smokey Mountain like they were the second coming of the Rockers or something.  One double team move didn't fill up that desire in my little black heart and I demand compensation.  Is any wrestler in the world more "just there" than Val?  He does things okay enough that you don't go "wow that sucked" but not good enough so you're all "wow that was good"... Billy didn't do the powerbomb thing again, I think the world's magnetic poles must be shifting.

 

DR: God, I was going to run the powerbomb thing into the ground this week too but forgot for some reason.  I sit in my shame.....

 

-  I've been known to wander off the pure and true wrestling path when surfing the internet when my family is not home. YES! I BLUDGEON THE LUMMOX AND SO SHOULD YOU. Toast a load and think of ME!

 

I think about a lot of things... space chicks, biker chicks, wrestling chicks, but I am not ... NOT .... thinking about DEAN~! chicks.  NOT GONNA HAPPEN

 

DR: Space Chicks?  I gotta use that when I ..... hold on.

 

- Trish and Linda Myles take on Ivory and Jackie and this is really okay wrestling. This is 1,000,000,000,000,000% stiffer than Lance and Kidman were twenty-five minutes ago. This won't make me forget Meiko Satomura or anything, but they are getting much better. Match of the NIGHT! Yep.

 

Going a bit overboard aren't you DEAN~!?  I mean Jackie could only throw some of the worst knees I've ever seen (although she gets points for using it like a weapon) and Ivory didn't hit the knee drive thing well in the least.  But on the plus side, the handstand rana was different and neat.

 

DR:  This looked fricking great compared to what we have been presented as US Women's wrestling since 1984.  I'm not saying this is like watching GAEA or ARSION or something, but it is really improved from what I remember seeing a year ago.  I credit Fit Finlay.  

 

Nobody can save HHH from destroying himself as a tough guy by doing a posedown with Hogan. Anyone hwo would like this is a moron.

 

You said this last week, and you are even more right now.  YIKES.... knock it off there sport.

 

DR: God, that was horrendous.  

 

I'm too tired to talk about the rest of the show... I hope no one minds.

 

I HEART DEAN~!

 

DR: Thanks for the Space Chick thing....

 

DEAN.

[Guest]

jesus christ dean! you are a beautiful, beautiful man.

 

c'mon folks, this is a guy who puts FELICITY~! in his tag line! and he's only getting 5 replies a week? revel in his brillance!

[Guest Risk]

Glad I didn't watch Smackdown.  This is much better.

[Guest]

jesus christ dean! you are a beautiful, beautiful man.

 

c'mon folks, this is a guy who puts FELICITY~! in his tag line! and he's only getting 5 replies a week? revel in his brillance!

I think I named every Orange juice song I could think of before I moved onto Velvet Underground lyrics.  I didn't think anybody would notice.

 

U R KING!

 

DEAN.

[Guest Vyce]

- Hurricane and TEST have a King Of The Ring match. Nidia and Jamie should do a whole COPS thing- with Jamie Noble always in cut-off sweatpants, no shirt and flip-flops- screeching, "I LOVE HER! MOTHERFUCK.... I just wanna... hey man... you understand whay ah'm sayin'.. she's fucked up and ah don't wanna hurt her....MOTHERFUCK! Fuck you, man, you don't unnerstan... I LOVE HER!" Meanwhile Nidia could always be wearing a big Mickey Mouse t-shirt and red teddy and a black eye. This was pretty fucking close. If they show them fucking in the back seat of a powder blue Duster on blocks under the the satellite dish, I will know that Heyman does know everything there is to know about what motivates the basic wrestling fan. Me being a basic wrestling fan. The match was a squash but the match is forgotten because Test is really boring and Hurricane, Nidia and Noble are fucking fascinating in this cockamamie set up. HE's a crazy redneck wrestler who thinks he's a superhero! She's a redneck Jersey chick who fucks like a beast! Her boyfriend is an actual Southern redneck who is totally possessed by his first piece of divine Northern pussy. Fuck the police, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE if you've lived right and drank enough Beam's Choice in your life.

 

I must say, I normally wouldn't care about this stupid storyline, but thanks to Dean (sorry, DEAN~!) I am absolutely riveted to it.  

 

I don't know about you, but when I have a show about werewolves, the people better not just change into wolves... they better be 7' tall engines of destruction that rip off heads and eat livers and not look like the cast of Northern Exposure.

 

I want Crinos form!

[Guest Goodear]

: If they just become wolves, that would be SOOO lame.  UPN! WHY DO YOU TAUNT MEEEEE!??

 

I really haven't watched it a whole lot, but from what I can gather, they have a whole lot of footage of wolves standing around looking stoned... and Lou Diamond Phillips.  But no man wolves.  How someone can make a werewolf movie and not have 7' tall engines of destruction is beyond me.

 

DR: God, it's the only thing I'm genuinely excited about on this show.  It's such an "ECW done well" type angle.  Actually it's Heyman reusing the Dr. Tom Pritchard vs Dirty White Boy and Dirty White Girl angle from Alabama in 1988- which is what this world needs more of.  

 

Yes, when you describing the whole COPS thing with Knoble & Nidia the only problem I was thinking about was that Knoble was too good looking and should look more like Tony Anthony.  Chubby with the blond balding mullet look would be perfect for the trailer trash gimmick.

 

DR: Space Chicks?  I gotta use that when I ..... hold on.

 

Zero gravity Dean... zero gravity.

[Guest]

If I'm watching a wrewolf show, I want a Werewolf:

[Guest]

No, a werewolf:

 

 

They've been talking about moving up to 16 PPVs a year, why not blow off the Knoble/Hurricane feud at IN YOUR HOUSE: REDNECK RUMPUS?