HD: Chicks on Art

[Patty O'Green 0]

hugs not drugs, friend

 

We're taken to the grooviest, most funkadelic museum you'll probably never go to, The Getty Museum In Los Angeles, California. To be more specific our scene is that of a pristine gallery, in which the cult revolutionary [i]zoopisa[/i] works by LA based artist Tim Hawkinson are on unique display. A visual hallucination of animals, the works are a stunning menagerie of animal forms created by using various household items. You have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about do you? Oh well. It looks a lot better then I made it sound. Sitting in the collection of jungle chaos is everyone's favorite L Word knock offs, Amercia's Sweethearts,  and Hollywood It Girls, Chicks Over Dicks. What are they wearing, Patty? What are they wearing. Hey shut the fuck up, I'll tell you when I damn well feel like it. Anyway, Krista has attired herself in a Fresh brand cropped to the chest baby pink hoody, with an elaborately designed seahorse on the right side, and a playful lace embroidery on the bottom. To match this frilly little outfit, her legs boast light denim True Religion jeans. Of course she has a bottle of Budweiser in her hands and several empty cans on the floor. Alix sports a plunging neck lined pink dress with a fun and sassy beaded floral accent traveling along the side.

ALIX
你好 to our dog eating communist amigos in China! And a big helloooooo world to the rest of civilized society that doesn't look at Snoopy and think “Wow, he'd go great with a side of macaroni salad!” I'm Alix Maria Spezia, swarthy sea faring lass, friend of man, romancer of woman, and bad ass truck driving son of gun. And this is my lowly, slightly less attractive, but still kinda nice to have around, love servant...

KRISTA
Denise Austin!

ALIX
Sorry, Krista, but all your efforts to disavow yourself from the responsibility of how much this segment is gonna suck totally bit the dust when they flashed a big KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN  under your pretty little face! Anyway, ladies, gentlemen, convicts watching in prison in dire need of fapping material, outlaws on the lamb watching on the TV in the family room of the suburban home who's residents your holding hostage, some of you may think we're only in the oaoast to provide gratuitous T.A., cheap b-level sitcom comedy, and unbelievable business exposing matches.

KRISTA
Well, you're right.

ALIX
But we're also here to provide a service to the community! So gather around, kiddies, but not don't get to close due to my fear of a child molestation law suit, 'cause Auntie Alix has an introductory story for you. A couple months ago, my aunt Karen said to me, "Ah don't get why you gotta get involved in that wrestling shit. Whatchu need to do is find yourself a man." Or if I was her I'd find many men, several of whom would be related to me. Then she said "All them wrestling fans is dumb ass redneck hillbillies without no culture." Then she kicked me out of her trailer and told me go fetch her some Busch beer and Marlboro Lights so she could have something to drink and smoke during the [i]Larry the cable guy marathon[/i], that was supposed to come on before NASCAR.

KRISTA
Now if you live up to Alix's aunt accusation and you are an uneducated half wit you shouldn't feel bad, so is our president and half of congress. There's a future for you on the otherside of that rainbow! But we'd like to help you steer clear of possibly leading this country into the ninth level of hell, and not prevent you from dropping little nuggets of buffoonery such as “The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a [b]democracy in Germany.[/b]" on the unsuspecting ears of voters that learned Germany already had a democracy in second fucking grade. We'd like to perhaps instill some culture into the minds of you, the oaoast nation. Maybe you can place it somewhere between Melody's bra size, and the lyrics to the limerick “beans, beans, the magical fruit the more you eat, the more you toot.” And even better this educational segment fulfills the requirements of Alix's community service.  At the least, all you p-i-m-p-s who are no doubt banging mad chicks with your CM Punk t-shirts and collection of Austin Aries videotapes, will at least have something to talk about with your lucky prostitu...I mean date, instead of pontificating aloud like a raving coked out of his mind three hundred pound sex fiend over what WWF woman had the sweetest ass. Hint: Trish Stratus.

ALIX
I would've said Bret Hart.

KRISTA
Oh dis!

ALIX
With that said, coming to all you beautiful peeps on two days tape delay from our home town of traffic infested, racially divided, smog ridden, superficial Los Angeles, is the first eva Chicks On Art!

KRISTA
And most likely last ever once the museum curator finds out we aren't  doing an LGBT introspective on Picasso's doleful [i]blue period[/i]. This hard hitting but educational show allows us to provide insightful commentary into the otherwise mundane world of modern art.

ALIX
If you're wondering why you should listen to our opinions on art or politics or the environment or anything not related to our chosen entertainment fields the answer is because we're celebrities! DUH! And that makes us better and more knowledgeable then you. Real talk.

KRISTA
I'm so excited about this I've only thought of killing myself twice today!

ALIX (pinching Krista's cheek in pride)
Baby steps, baby steps!

KRISTA
Well, tonight on the premier episode of Chicks On Art we look at 20th century artist Mama Wright. An abstract horror expressionist, Mama Wright is best known for her crabs the size of wombats, and her most famous piece, oaoast wrestler, and Anderson Cup winner, Christian Wright, who just so happens to be one of our opponents at Anglemania.  Imagine that!

ALIX
What a shocking co-inky-dink! We really need to see a pic of this artsy chick!

[IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/up-women-00124.jpg]

KRISTA
“Heroin free, and loving it!” Further proof that god does not exist. See also: [i]Dancing With The Stars[/i], Fall Out Boy, Simon Singleton, and the continued existence of Lopez, Jennifer. Those teeth have more film then Miramax Studios. Where's the Terry Taylor, I'd still hit graphic?

ALIX
I'd really like to give ya a brith date on this super hot female, but the only way to figure out her real age is to cut her open and count the fudge ripples.  

KRISTA
I hope she never wears yellow in her life, otherwise you'll have people thinking she's the sun, see her coming down the stairs, and start screaming like chicken little “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!”

ALIX
Christian Wright, your mother is so fat that when she weighs herself on a scale her weight is much higher than what is considered normal for a woman of her age and height. Your Mother is so overweight that she has a high level of cholesterol and may suffer from heart problems in the future. Respond to my gat, biatch!

KRISTA
Christian Wright, your mother is so stupid she never gets full insurance when she buys a car and often drives irresponsibly and in poor conditions increasing her risk of damaging the vehicle without appropriate coverage.

ALIX
Oh snap, girlfriend, the heat has been brought tonight! Christian Wright, your mother is so stupid that she voted in the recent election without fully understanding the issues, and because of that, the candidates that she voted for actually were running on a platform that proposed actions that were not in her own best interest.

KRISTA
Cold blooded Rick James style. Christian Wright, your mother is so ugly that although I may have requested the I'd still hit Terry Taylor graphic be displayed, in reality it is highly unlikely that Terry Taylor would pursue fornication with your mother.

ALIX
Whoop that trick! Get 'em! Whoop that trick! Get 'em! Christian Wright, the matriarch of your family is so poor that she often must take out loans from the bank which she usually cannot afford to pay back on time due to her inability to properly manage money. As a result of this she has very bad credit and now the bank will not loan her money anymore.

KRISTA
Christian Wright, your mother is so fat that when I make fat jokes about her it's not even in jest. You see, most "your mother is so fat" jokes are meant to be humorous because of clever use of exaggeration while describing the obesity of someone's mother, however, in the case of your mother, these fat jokes would not be considered humorous exaggeration, because the descriptions are accurate to your mother.

ALIX
Hey, Krissy, maybe in our ghetto fab, hood rich life, we're sort of out of touch with what makes a chick fergalicious. Maybe dudes really do prefer some girl who looks like a wax museum rendition of the love child of swamp thing and Martin Glick. I thinks we gots to score a second opinion from our biggest fan in whole wide galaxy, Snoop Dogg! Dogg father, as your humble and loyal servants, we ask you, would you mack this ugg woman ASAP?

[IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/snoopsmh.gif]

KRISTA
For a dime bag? Would you festoon a bicycle with Carebears stickers and ride it into the heart of a tornado if only to see her beautiful face just once?

[IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/snoopsmh.gif]

ALIX
For a dime bag and a pony? Because I would for a pony. I love ponies!

[IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/snoopsmh.gif]

ALIX
What if the pony banged [color="#0000FF"][b]crip[/b][/color]? Like, this pony jacked up bloods worse then HIV. How about now, would ya smoke a fat one for the hood?

[IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/snoopsmh.gif]

KRISTA
Alix, seriously, don't even try to act like you wouldn't. You'll hook up with anything as long as it's got a pulse, a credit card under the limit, and two legs. And judging by some of the people you dated in college, that last one is strictly on a case by case basis.

ALIX
No I wouldn't, No I wouldn't, No I wouldn't!

KRISTA
Yes you would, yes you would, yes would!

ALIX
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Anyway, we are so, like, incredibly sorry, but we don't have a picture of Papa Wright, anywhere. But we totally wanna make sure we extend a heartfelt congratulations on his recent double life sentence at the hands of the North Carolina justice system.

KRISTA
That means even if he comes back from the dead he's still serving time. What's his motivation, Jesus? What do you say to a guy with no future? 

ALIX
Keep your head up and your booty down?

KRISTA
News you can use, Papa Wright. But he can at least take some comfort knowing that his wife's greatest work, Christian Wright, continues to shine to this very day. And it is that piece that we will be closely inspecting tonight.

ALIX
A super eloquent speaker, Wright...

KRISTA
Hold on, he's what passes for eloquent speech around here? Wow, then the conversation our dog has with the carpet after he scarfs some leftover Taco Bell out of the trash bag, would make sir Lawrence Olivier shit has already well shat Captain America underoos in joyous glee. But I digress. Wright, a former HI-YAH world champion, and the 2005 oaoast rookie of the year, is something of a performance artist himself. However, despite winning the 2007 Anderson Cup, his art has fallen on hard times as of late, as the man, who was once a walking [i]Sesame Street[/i] word of the day, has now said a grand total of two sentences in the past two months, and has had every last one of his lines stolen by the slimy tramp The Enterprise pulled off the early morning shift at Big Joe's Titty City topless revue, Mackenzie DeCenzo.

ALIX
Oh my god, wait, stop! Did you see that outfit she was wearing last week? I bet the National Geographic channel had to sponsor an archaeological dig through her closet to find an outfit that old.  It probably came with an eight track tape, a pet rock, and an old news clipping saying Jesus H Christ, 28, of Nazareth reportedly turns water to wine, more as the story develops.

KRISTA
Is there anything in this world more likely to spiral you into homicidal rampage then a good looking woman who can't dress?

ALIX
I burned three people to death with a curling iron last week, and ran over a group of inner city school children on a field trip to the zoo, and then backed the car up several times to eliminate stragglers. Fortunately they were all lower class ethnic minorities and will not be missed by the white dominated legal system, thus I will most likely escape prosecution.

KRISTA
And well you should, sweetie! Moving away from mass homicide, and a senseless act of violence we return to Mama Wright's piece, a senseless act of not visiting an abortion clinic, Christian Wright.  Now allied with The Enterprise, Wright is has morphed himself into a stock..no that's not right..banker..no..uh...um...what's his gimmick anyway? Financial guru? Bill collector? 

ALIX
Who's scared of a bill collector? We've got called ID! Phone rings, you look, hey, let that ring, I don't know any dudes with an eight hundred number from Mastercard. You ever had a bill collector on your phone, talking crap? "Damn it! We've been pretty patient with you so far! Now when can we expect payment?” You can expect payment anytime you want. You pick a date, that way we can be surprised together. I don't have the money today, I didn't have the money last week, and I won't have the money next week. Quit calling me, I'm sick of disguising my voice, no Hindu people live here, this isn't the residence of Dali lama. Ghandi died forty years ago, he's not Western Unioning you your money, hang up!

KRISTA
Thanks to my therapist telling me to avoid any imagery that might cause me to inflict harm on myself or others we won't actually be watching any Christian Wright matches tonight. So all the festering turds that compose the vast ocean of fecal matter that is Wright's career will stay off screen. But we will analyze the biggest island of crap in that overflowing river of excrement, the man himself, Christian Wright.

ALIX
Let's have lookie-loo!

[IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/200px-Siaki.jpg]

ALIX
Scarcely worthy of puking on, let alone commenting on. Krista, your thoughts om this terribly constructed form of bovine melancholy.

KRISTA
When looking at Christian one feels a burning jealously of the legally blind or the recently deceased. If one were to be given a choice between nails being driven into one's own ovaries or having to behold Christian in his naked horror, one should speed to nearest Home Depot with haste in feet and credit card in hand. One might find removing lint from grandfather's penis to be a more enjoyable experience then having to view Christian Wright for any length of time that extends past a single nanosecond.

ALIX
I have sorta a new respect for Mama Wright, she's like here's my ugly as sin son, you can put him on TV, or you can stick 'em up your ass. I really don't give a shit, I'm gonna go huff gasoline.

Alix takes this moment to pull out a pipe and smoke it as a mark of sophistication. Strangely no smoke exits the pipe, only little pink bubbles.

ALIX
Oh my god, someone really needs to do the right thing, and tell this dude that folding his arms and holding a wrestling belt does not, does not, does not make him look threatening; it makes him look super-duper cold. Like he tossed off his delicately permed and pressed polo shirt in a moment of spontaneous exuberance during a young republican's meeting after a firery speech from John McCain, and now he can't find it. So he's stuck in the men's room freezing his buns off and stealing looks at disgraced congressman Mark Foley's sausage until the convention is over. Shame! Sooooo, cuddle cakes, who's naked body is less likely to totally obliterate your faith in humanity, God, Buddah, Allah, and Jodie Foster? Moneymaker or Wright?

KRISTA
To wonder who's appearance is more likely to induce a round of violent projectile vomit and frantic clawing of one's eyes out with a spork, is akin to a deaf quadriplegic trying to pick a fight with a one armed, blind Korean War Veteran. No matter how appealing the prospect of an "ADA Beatdown" might be to the inner hell bound human being in all of us and to Melody Nerdly desirer for another Youtube award winner, the end result is that both will come out looking more pathetic than usual; and in the case Wright and Moneymaker, they need to salvage every bit of "respect" that hasn't already been washed away amongst the sea of feces infested sewage that pours out each time they open their mouths or appear on a television screen.

Alix takes a puff of her pipe and bubbles fill the air, annoying Krista to no end.

KRISTA
Why don't we step away from the visual arts and address a performance piece that's akin to Godzilla and King Kong being matched against Timmy from [i]South Park[/i] and Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite? That piece would be the tag team title match at Anglemania between Alix and I and The Enterprise. Now normally  while Alix sits on her sweet ass, blowing all the minutes on my cellphone to get text message updates on what Jessica Simpson will be wearing at her next concert, I have to waste half the day I could be using to drink malt liquor and send death threats to Denise Austin, to think of some clever witticism to indicate that whatever subhuman wastes of sperm and egg we're matched up against are going to be squashed in a match no one will even remember occurred a week later. 

ALIX
[i]Sweet ass[/i]? Aww, Krista, you're so nice!

KRISTA
But this time, America, when your remote flips to Comedy Central it's Wright and Moneymaker who've got more jokes then a Chris Rock special, because they've decided to post up a total of eight hundred thousand dollars in order to avoid wrestling us at Anglemania. Unlike the myriad of other half wits, cataclysmicly retarded miscreants, and convicted felons on a work release program, these two seem to have a brain, and they know like we know, they don't want to step to this. 

ALIX (singing [i]Regulators[/i], quite terribly)
It's a G Funk era, funked out with a gangsta twist.

KRISTA (barley able to control her rising anger)
Uh-uh. Anyway, them bea...

ALIX (singing once again)
If you smoke like I smoke, then you high like everyday!

KRISTA
Riiiiiiiight. Them bea....

ALIX (singing even worse then normal)
And if ya ass is a buster, 3-1-0 will regulate.

KRISTA
.......

ALIX
.......

KRISTA
Alright, then. Them beating us at Anglemania? Even Ripley's wouldn't believe that shit. So obviously, Moneymaker, you gotta take a swim through the ol bank account. Now, money can buy you a lot of wonderful things, a car, a house, an eight ball of cocaine, a television, fourteen year old Taiwanese slave labor, fourteen year old Taiwanese wives, a dog, an army of radical Islamic extremists ready to cripple the American conservative infrastructure with the snap of my fingers, a cat, an Ipod, and most importantly a fantastic pair of breasts, as your's truly certainly attest to! But what money can't buy you is...

ALIX
Love, sweet, love.

KRISTA
I don't know, if Terry Taylor had a few extra bucks in his pocket, maybe his weekend companionship would be a real woman and not the stuck together pages of our swimsuit calendar the company wouldn't even give him an employee discount on.  But actually, I was going to say money can't buy a championship.

ALIX
Unless it's a replica belt! But then it would probably just be cheaper if you just wore a sign that read “DO NOT TREAT ME AS A FULLY FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING ONLY AS  AN EMOTIONALLY STUNTED MONGOLOID DOPE DESERVING OF NOTHING MORE THEN YOUR SCORN AND A POSSIBLE KICK IN THE GENITALS SHOULD SUCH ACTIONS TICKLE THYNE FANCY!”

KRISTA
Might be a little hard to fit that on a replica belt nameplate, fellas! Although seeing that most belts are sold to the XXXL variety of shut in, maybe you could squeeze that on there. 

ALIX
Ya know, I guess if you're some pansy ineffectual hipster whose big idea of physical exercise is chopping up lines of coke, then buying a belt that even Ned and Simon were able to win three times might be okay but us real women who live in the goddamn real world where we stop being polite, motherfucker, I can't roll with this shit. I am going to complain and complain about this to upper management until I get free things which I don't want.

KRISTA
The point, which we've seemed to have lost in the preceding LSD induced rambling is, Enterprise, whether you like it or not, and judging by the fact you've gone through six pair of pants since I started going at you, you probably don't, we're all gonna meet up at Anglemania. And, Theo, I can call you Theo, right? So much shorter then your proper title of degenerate jackass who deserves the most painful death imaginable to man. Theo, if you wanna know what's it's like to work in the oaoast after Chicks Over Dicks gets done with you ask your man, Christian Wright. He knows, he knows all to well. Ask him what's it's like to go from being a top ten wrestler, to not being mentioned at all. Ask him what it's like to go from being the future of the company to being Boheomoth's left over trash. To kill a man and leave him bleeding is nothing, but to kill a man and leave  him breathing? That's what we did to Christian. Ask him, and you'll find out why winning the Anderson Cup was the worst thing you've ever done. Alix do you have anything of [i]intelligence[/i] to add?

ALIX
Hey, kids, if you think that you'll be able to produce some kinda super awesome hybird offspring with a marsupial mole, then think again, buster! You'll probably just get a five thousand dollar fine, and a severe case of scabies.

KRISTA
You're lucky you're good looking. (Krista shifts her gaze back towards the camera)  For all the crack heads, the critics, the cynics, and all my heroes in the methadone clinic, this has been Chicks On Art. We're done for the night, so until next time, stay sick, you crazy bastards.

With that we return to Sofa Central where Cole has a look of questionable defiance on his face.

COLE
I have a replica belt of every oaoast championship hanging on my wall and I don't consider myself to be a loser! I enjoy having title defenses with my various stuffed animals. Simba from the Lion King is a four time 24/7 champion!

Edited March 16, 2007 by Patty O'Green