SJL Metal 13th comments

[Guest Renegade]

good show from what i read, more comments from me when i read it some more

[Guest]

Long winded comments will be posted after I get some sleep. But for now...

 

Good show and must I even say that there were tons of promo's. Good to see storylines progessing and new ones forming. That is all!

[Guest Ace309]

I'd just like to say that Frost's match intro damn near made me piss myself, and it had nothing to do with alcohol.

 

Bravo, good sir.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Never help anybody move in the rain, but if they slip you twenty bucks afterwards it’s all good.

 

Williams Promo

-Short and to the point, the WWE could learn something from our World Champ.  I think you could have had a little more build for more drama though, especially with IL’s threat to tear up the back.

 

Fugue promo

-Incomprehensible, yet that’s the point. Reminds me of some of Foley’s early Mankind promos.  Continue to compare ‘fighting’ to ‘dancing’ it’s a great analogy.

 

Fugue vs. Impact

-The card playing at the beginning just felt like filler. The fact that the audience members all looked eerily similar (being the show was at the cloning warehouse) was nice and you could have done more with that actually.  You’re getting a good grasp of the commentators, nothing specific to note, but the basic character traits are coming through well.  Your descriptions need to be more detailed, but your transitions are good.  You should have had Impact sell the leg more throughout the match and not all of a sudden at the end; for example, right after the kneebar he hits a dropkick. Also with the work of the leg you should have gotten the win with a leg submission, although the grand finale finisher is cool in and of itself.  Really solid match for a noob and you are coming along nicely.  

 

Syd/Frost promo

-That was a collaborative effort between Syd and I.  From a few people I heard from, they really liked it and it helps to establish their relationship as being more romantic. Phase 2 of the angle has begun.

 

SWO Promo

-Great work as it continues to build the sWo as a stable that sorely demands respect, but one that has little nagging voices in the back of their heads that really questions whether they deserve it.  Wilson’s advice to Mak that a green rookie only talks about being fed up, but a real pro says it out loud to the fans and does something about it really shows his leadship and solidifies Mak’s character as a capable wrestler, but still green. Technical points, don’t write “voice” if you know it’s Wilson and the fans can guess it’s Wilson also who is “Flynn?” Do you mean Flex? Although Wilson calling Flex and Poisyn by their real names is a subtle character building trait.  I think all the sWo members should call him Mr. Wilson to show respect (then Z can also do Dennis the Menace jokes).

 

Kojack vs. Cutthroat

-I don’t think Kojack needed to do a pre-match promo and he really didn’t say much anyway. You should have devoted more time to Cutthroat’s entrance.  Your narrative action needed more detailed descriptions and a sharper pace, which probably could have been achieved through more precise syntax and word choices (don’t use “locks on a headlock” use “cinches” or “grabs” or “clamps on” just to break the words up).  More commentators’ dialogue is sorely needed to break up the long sections of action.  That would probably also help you in developing their characters as they came off blander than Michael Cole.  The cut to commercial and sudden comeback is jarring, the segue needed to be smoother and all involved should have got together to do some editing.  This attack also feels disjointed after the promo where Mak was apparently leaving the rest of the group to prepare for his match, but Poisyn and he show up here. You get into that murky WWE territory of whether the wrestlers know that the cameras are there or not (why make it seem like he was preparing for his match if the fans can’t see it to be fooled?).  The beat down is well done and very old school, brutal and done just for the sake that the sWo are bad asses.  But why beat up supposed jobbers if the sWo is so concerned about not looking like jobbers themselves?  Good closing promo and I love the Kinkle character, as I’ve stated before.

 

Mak vs. Thor

-I like having the beat down go straight into the match, it’s different although you could have done more with Thor’s entrance.  Actually, you could have done more with the character throughout the match.  However, I realize that the character is so odd and not clearly defined yet, so it is a little tough to know what to do with him. Overall the match could have been more descriptive, but your pacing, build, near falls and spots were all top notch. Smart use of Poisyn and Kinkel interference to get the win. Francis showed that he could hang with Thor, but his strength was just a little too much for him to handle. Note: Thor is a Norse god, not Celtic.

 

Tod/Sky/TNT/Frost promo

-I suggested the cross cutting idea, but I had no writing involved with this.  While it was a little more humorous than I would have gone for, the characters were all expertly nailed and the promo does a lot of work in a short time to not only clearly place Tod into the Frost/Sky storyline, but to build up the TNT/Frost feud for their upcoming match.  Work with the best and you always look good.

 

CIA vs. MVS

-TNT at the commentator table is a nice touch.  He has a huge stake in the match and it’s interesting by being different in having him there from the start and not just do a run in later. Although with TNT’s personality you should have had him talk more.  CIA’s personality is coming along great and it’s nice to see a Canadian patriot portrayed as a face and not a heel for once. CIA continues to improve by leaps and bounds as I can’t see anything really glaring to comment on that just more writing experience and continued hard work won’t cure and improve. CIA might be only in his third match, but he shows that he can handle the pressure of the mega push he has been receiving. I’m still crushing you like a piss ant though.

 

Tod vs. Flex

-Fine work by Tod to clearly and quickly recap his mysterious stalking of Frost and Sky which is certainly warranted as his involvement with them escalates. It makes it easier as I read up the card, because I don’t have to make so many detailed comments.  Case in point here as Tod show in and show out demonstrates how he deserves all the accolades thrown his way as he writes entertaining spots, solid commentary, has a good feel for all characters, tells engrossing and logical in match stories and has all the basic fundamentals of description, transition and technical writing mechanics down to a T.  Reading a Tod match is almost as good as seeing live wrestling do to his visual and sharp writing.  

 

Frost/Sky vs. XF9

- I guess, the cross cutting idea from the earlier promo stuck in my head and going up against Z always makes me goofy.  I knew I wanted to sort out some of the storylines in my opener, but I hate to do straight exposition. That took some words away from me and I don’t think the match itself was as built as I would have liked, as I wanted to do more with Ced and Frost and let Sky and Ced do a set. The finish naturally plays off of Frost letting Sky win previously and firmly establishes that she does have equal romantic feelings for him.  Wow, continuity and character building story elements like this is real writing or something.

 

Frost/Sky end promo

-More continuity and literary stuff as this harks back to the first Sky/Frost promo where she said she didn’t know him at all. To quote something Scott Keith once wrote on the Macho Man and Elizabeth saga, “Kids, don’t let them ever tell you it can’t be Shakespeare.”

 

The large number of defaults up and down the midcard is disheartening, but those who did show once again displayed why they are really the cream of the crop. I’m really starting to get hooked on the sWo storyline due to some of the very subtle character work and build those involved are doing. They are more than some nWo rip-off group, but a stable filled with burdening 3-dimenional personalities and dare I say vulnerable heels, but that makes them much more interesting. As the Frost/Sky storyline heads into its second phase, I would really like to know what others think of what has happened thus far and how people are enjoying the storyline. Any suggestions and ideas would be helpful as well.

[Guest]

Once again I'd like to give a big thanks to Frost for taking the time to comment so analytically. Since I don't want to take up too much space with quoting and replies, and such, I'll just give quick responses...

 

Glad you liked the promo; a comparison to Foley is definitely high praise. Watch for more promo nuttiness from me in the future. Yes, the card playing was filler; just something humorous to bring us back from commercial...didn't mean for it to bother anyone, though. And the cloning was just a throwaway joke...mostly because I expected someone else to make reference to it later in the show. Or something. ; I'm curious as to what you meant by "descriptions"; do you mean, I should describe the wrestling moves in more detail? Hmmm...Anyone else have an opinion? As for the "Leg" comments, they were good points. I'll definitely keep them in mind.

 

And now, I'd like to get a few things off my chest about my SJL career, such as it is so far. First, I'm sorry about the no-shows before this; I just started a new job so I had to adjust to a new schedule, and other things that cropped up. But I've got it all straightened out and I'm ready to write!...ah, well. Anyway, another thing...what time zone is the board in? Buenos Aires time? Two hours east of New York? Weird. And finally, here's how to write matches the Fugue way:

 

1. Write a paragraph.

2. Realize the paragraph was in past tense.

3. Go back and change the verbs to present tense.

4. Go to step 1.

 

...;

[Guest]

Hehe, I told you suckas that i'd be back with long winded comments out the ass.

 

Danny did a promo. It was short and to the point. He challenged IL non-title of course. Good stuff.

 

Hmmm this doesn't seem to be very long winded.

 

Fugster cut a promo in a return to action. It made no sense but he's a guy with a premanent grin. Got psycho. Then he writes a solid match that shows off the talents of his character. Now that I got a match or two to look at I'll be able to address a problem that will be discussed later in this long winded comment. I wish I could write the Fugue way because his match are very solid. What do you mean it takes a shit load of time? Ah well nevermind...Description should be more than just saying a person hit a move. Sometimes you don't even need to name the move during a paragraph if you describe it.

ex. instead of saying a DDT explain the actions your character and opponent go through for the move to be successful. Then find the thesarus and make it look flowery like all the English majors do. Hope this helps.

 

Getting better but still needs to be longer.

 

Phase 2 eh? Interesting and uh real interesting. How about really interesting. Okay so I'm stretching. But seriously the last two promo's reintroduce Fugue and show that Frost and Syd's affection is no longer one sided, if it ever was. Like I said a lot of solid promo's show how much work we're putting into the JL. By the way, Danny stiffing Syd worked out very well as it gave Frosty an "in" with Syd. True love my ASS, get dem panties Frosty. Holla!

 

Getting longer...

 

Okay it's time to go to town on my promo. I cut out a whole section because it rambled and didn't keep Poisyn in character, in my opinion. That's why the Flynn seems out of place. His ring escort is Brianna Flynn. I'm pretty proud of the way it turned out because although it centered around my character seeming weak, it and the match showed Poisyn as a strong "baby sitter" or mentor.  

 

Bah I'm not trying...

 

Kojack was nice enough to do the sWo a little favor. You had good action in his match but it lacked commentary. You made it a short match to help the run in so can't complain about that. My thanks go out to you partna'.

 

Must type more...

 

The in-ring beatdown and little after promo didn't flow as well as they should have but it was my fault because I talked to CT and asked GSMS to put something in if they both he and Jack no-showed but I failed to give enough info to Kojack.  But going straight to the match from that was something I talked to Taft about. I already knew that I couldn't cut a promo for him because I can't duplicate his style and I had absolutely no idea what to do to build his character through the match. I should have just asked him to write a promo. That's the thing about being Jobber's Champeen a lot of the people I face haven't fleshed out their characters yet.

 

Actually I just have trouble writing character development.  It's why I suck and will continue to suck. I'm an engineer, which translates into being good at the technical stuff of a match but I know that this match with Fugue will be my character development coming out party because he has a whole lot of stuff i can use and build on. If I win that is...Fugue do the job so that everyone can see my better character development. You know you want to.

 

Hmmm, it got longer as it got closer to my crap. Surprise, surprise.

 

I'm a little surprised that MVS didn't show up for the match that he asked for.CIA's heading straight to the top and can't be stopped. nOOb pride says he pulls out the Euro. But then again this is TNT and Frost he going up against now. Come back and join me in midcarder hell. It'll be like we're the Canadian Chris's except I'm from Philly and not Canadian. Good stuff having TNT at the booth but it seemed like his commentary was an afterthought instead of the focus. When ever someone who isn't normally a commentator does a guest appearance stuff should revolve around them in the booth. It's a chance to foreshadow things to the audience.

 

Uh...on to your match which impresses. Probably more than you'll know. It had all the things a great match needed. And you'll notice that a lot of people picked you in the predictions thread including me if you couldn't tell and that's with good reason. Don't let somebody tell you your not living up to your push unless it's me.

 

Todski comes out of the shadows and tells it like it is. Frost is a cold hearted bastard and nobody should forget it. Tod hasn't and there must be more to his warning Syd. It was one of the inane conversations that you have with a girl whose your "friend" when you want to be a little more than that. I've been in and watched my friends do the inane conversation, rambling on and looking like a jackass trying to keep up the convo. Is Tod going for a...

 

Wait a second. This storyline seems mighty familiar. Well they say there are only three actual ideas and everything else just branches from them. It's the twist you put on it that make it new. I don't know yet but after Phase 2 is over I'll seee if I'm right. Because if there's a 2 there must be a 3.

 

Anyways Tod writes well. We all know it. Hell, he knows it. I won't comment on his match except to say that Flexxx will whoop your ass next time. sWo 4 life sucka

 

Frost and Syd go over XF9. Frost gets the title shot and things come full circle. Who really cares about multiple connecting storylines anyways. I know i don't

 

Good shit and may i say that your opening made me think Z had written it. Until the actual match started cause like most people you have your own match writing style. If I were Z I'd be chanting to bring on the Gimmick matches sucka.

 

M."A day late and a dollar short" Francis

[Guest]

I just thought I'd post this so you people dont get the wrong impression about me. I no-showed on Metal because I had my final exams and I just felt that passing algebra was a bit more important than the TV title.

So don't fear kiddies summer break is here and Taft is free to write.

[Guest]

If you can't write for the show you need to tell your marker...

[Guest]

Couldn't get to a computer, I was helping my Grandma out on Thursday, she was sick. I would have if I could have.

[Guest Longdogger_Pete]

OK, boys and girl, it's time once again for the Renegade SJLer of the Week award.  And this week the award goes to:

 

"The Franchise" Mak Francis!

 

Congratulations, Mak!

[Guest]

I'm a little late on this post but SJLer of the Week Boooyiiie!

 

If Tod got a raise then so should I

 

Thanks for the honor LDP