Guest Report post Posted June 14, 2002 Live from Fresno, CA, it's the 1996 Royal Rumble! Commentators: Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect We open up with Sunny in a bubble bath warning us of the graphic content we're about to see. Of course, anyone will tell you that seeing Sunny during 1996 is a good thing, especially in a bubble bath. --- Opening match- Jeff Jarrett vs. Ahmed Johnson This all came about when Jarrett made his return at the December 1995 In Your House. He cheapshotted Ahmed with his golden record. Ahmed whips Jarrett into the ropes, but he holds on and bails to the outside. They head back in, and Jarrett has Ahmed in the corner. He tries to whip him into the opposite corner twice, but he doesn't have the stength for it. Ahmed takes over with a hiptoss. Jarrett throws him out and hits a clothesline from the apron. Back in, Jarrett does his usual strut. He starts pounding on Ahmed, but to no effect. Ahmed starts jogging around the ring as Jarrett constantly tries axehandles off the second rope. Ahmed finally hits a spinebuster, and Jarrett heads outside. Ahmed follows up with a dive over the top rope! He throws Jarrett back in, and heads up top. Ahmed misses a shooting star press! Jarrett locks in the figure-four, but Ahmed reverses. Jarrett tries another, but Ahmed counters, kicking him outside. As Ahmed gets to his feet, Jarrett grabs his guitar and goes up top. He busts the guitar over Ahmed's head, causing a DQ, at 6:36. Ahmed gets the win by DQ. ** match. Ahmed gets to his feet and chases Jarrett into the back. --- A pre-recorded interview with the Tag Team Champions, the Smoking Gunns, shown. They plan on walking in with the belts, just like most champions, and they plan on walking out with them. --- Backstage, Diesal is interviewed about the Rumble. It's not Vader Time tonight, it's Diesal Time! --- WWF Tag Team Championship- Smoking Gunns © vs. Body Donnas Body Donnas take control early on. Billy Gunn is on the apron, and they sling him in over the top. They try the same on Bart on the other side of the ring, but Bart slings them to the outside! Billy follows up with a plancha onto them. Smoking Gunns double team, when Sunny gets on the apron. Billy accidentally knocks her off, so he goes to check on her. Sunny holds Billy out there long enough for the the Body Donnas to work on Bart. They then take out Billy, and as it turns out, Sunny was faking the injury. Back inside, the Donnas hit a double flapjack on Billy. Blind tag by the Donnas results in a three-man collision. Billy goes under Skip's legs and gets a tag to Bart. Bart comes in and cleans house. They hit the Sidewinder on Zip, but Sunny distracts the referee! Skip breaks the count. The Donnas goe for a double suplex on Bart, but Billy stops it and Bart small packages one of them for the win, at 11:14. *** match. Nice tag team action, as the Smoking Gunns retain. --- Next up, one of the hilarious Billionaire Ted skits. In this particular one, Ted's stooges suggest that "Nacho Man" try new moves like the Pearl River Plunge, as shown on the TV. Nacho's says he's never used that move before, and he ain't never going to! They suggest aerial tactics for "The Huckster", but he says that his feet are too old to leave the mat. Finally, Ted suggests that Huckster be called the "Boy Toy"! --- Video package for Razor Ramon-Goldust. Goldust has been playing mind games with Razor as he appeared to be infatuated with him. --- WWF Intercontinental Championship- Razor Ramon © vs. Goldust Goldust comes down with Marlena, who is just making her debut here. Goldust runs away from Razor early on. Razor goes for a back grapple, but Goldust reverses and starts to rub Razor's chest! Razor slaps Goldust. Goldust runs away outside and hides behind Marlena. Razor backs off and heads inside. Within a minute or two, Goldust is once again hiding behind Marlena. Back inside, Razor decides to spank Goldust, who seems to enjoy it. Razor runs at him with a clothesline. Razor hits a fallaway slam for two. Goldust takes control and heads up top. Razor crotches him and back suplexes him off the apron, as Marlena comes in. The referee stops her, and she seems to have twisted her ankle. The referee attends to her, as the 1-2-3 Kid runs in. The Kid hits a heel kick off the top on Razor, and Goldust covers him to get the win at 14:17. The match was all storyline, and barely wrestling. 3/4*. Too long. --- Royal Rumble pre-recorded comments baby! Owen Hart is coming off of "injuring" Shawn Michaels with the enziguri. Tonight is Shawn's big return. Meanwhile, Vader is debuting tonight. Other guys who talk are Jerry Lawler, Jake Roberts, and Barry Horowitz. --- Royal Rumble Match On the first ever Free-For-All match, Duke "the Dumpster" Droese beat Hunter Hearst Helsmley by DQ in a match where the winner would enter the Rumble as # 30, and the loser as # 1. So... Hunter Hearst Helmsley comes in as # 1, and # 2 is Henry Godwinn. Vince & Mr. Perfect remind us that these two are coming off of that historic Hogpen match at December's In Your House. Intervals seem to be two minutes this year, although some aren't. # 3 is Bob Backlund. Hunter and Backlund form an alliance for a short while. # 4 is Jerry "the King" Lawler! Lawler grabs Henry Godwinn's bucket full of slop and heads inside. Hunter and Backlund hold Henry for the Lawler, but Henry counters and grabs the bucket to force all three heels outside for a huddle. Henry throws the slop on Lawler from inside, anyway. # 5 is Bob Holly, as everyone comes back in the ring. # 6 is King Mabel, oh boy! Mabel is seriously huge! # 7 is Jake "the Snake" Roberts. Jake lets his snake loose in the ring, so of course, everyone runs out again. However, Lawler does make it, so Jake throws the snake on Lawler! Lawler finally rolls out to safety as the snake is taken away. I guess once Gorilla Monsoon took over as WWF President, he revoked former President Jack Tunney's rule of No Reptiles at Ringside. Anyway, everyone heads back inside again. Vince notices that Lawler is conspicuously absent from the ring. A little later, the camera shows Lawler hiding underneath the ring. # 8 is Dory Funk, an obvious filler for the Rumble. # 9 is Yokozuna who quickly eliminates Bob Backlund. Henry Godwinn gets stuck behind Yokozuna in the corner, and Mabel hits Yoko with a splash! It must've sucked to be Henry Godwinn there, or any other time for that matter. # 10 is the 1-2-3 Kid, who sees Razor Ramon chasing him on his way to the ring. The Kid runs away from Razor for a minute. Referees finally restrain Razor, and the Kid enters the match. # 11 is another filler, Takao Omori. Savio Vega is # 12. Meanwhile, Yokozuna dumps Mabel out, and Jake Roberts throws Omari out, that fast. I wonder what guys like Omari get paid for making a two minute Rumble appearance. Mr. Perfect hints that someone big is coming out as # 13, as he heard from the Superstar Line. And he ends up being right, as Vader makes his debut as # 13. Savio Vega throws Dory Funk out from the ring apron. Vader decides to bring Savio back into the ring (?) and pummel him. # 14 is filler no. 3, Doug Gilbert. Apparently, he won a tournament in Memphis to earn this Rumble spot. Hunter Hearst Helmsley, who is surprisingly still in there, takes it to Gilbert. Jake Roberts hits the DDT on Savio, but is soon eliminated by Vader. # 15 is some fat SWAT team guy or something. Vader press slams Gilbert out, and then clotheslines the SWAT team guy out. SWAT team guy heads to the back, until his identical twin, SWAT team guy 2 comes out as # 16. They both head into the ring, thinking that together, they can actually do something worthwhile! Or not... as Vader hits one out, and Yokozuna hits another out. Keep in mind, both Vader and Yokozuna are being managed by Jim Cornette, who is ringside. # 17 is Owen Hart! Owen starts to hammer Savio and The Kid before getting in. # 18 is the returning Shawn Michaels! Vader eliminates Savio Vega, as Shawn Michaels gets some shots in on everyone in there. Vader and Yokozuna start to shove each other. They both try to throw each other out on the ropes. Shawn Michaels comes over and manages to push them both out! Vader comes back in the ring, as # 19 is Hakushi. Vader tosses everyone, except Owen Hart over the top rope and to the floor. Owen goes through the second rope, twice. Since Vader was already out, Gorilla Monsoon says that everyone is allowed back in. Questionable decision, as this goes against the 1993 Rumble, where Giant Gonzales came in and eliminated Undertaker. Then, six years later, in 2002, Undertaker goes out and comes back in to eliminate Maven. Anyway, back to the match, where we're left with Shawn Michaels, Owen Hart, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Bob Holly, and Hakushi. Don't ask what happened to Henry Godwinn or The Kid, because I guess I just didn't catch the elimination. # 20 is Tatanka, of the Million Dollar Corporation! Of course, Tatanka is far from still being over. Hakushi attempts a head scissors on Owen Hart, but it's countered and Owen tosses Hakushi. # 21 is Aldo Montoya, "Man-o-War"! Isn't that what he was called? Shawn Michaels gets knocked out under the top rope, so he's still in. Shawn decides to go under the ring, and pull out Jerry Lawler! He brings Lawler back in, and then eliminates him following a right hand. # 22 is Diesal. Diesal throws Tatanka out. Owen is about to eliminate Shawn, but Diesal makes the save and works on Owen. # 23 is Kama of the Million Dollar Corporation, and # 24 is another Corporate member, some guy named Steve Austin, or known here as the Ringmaster. Austin is the Million Dollar Champion here. Austin eliminates Bob Holly, who was in there for a long time. # 25 is Barry Horowitz, with some Italian music. Mr. Perfect keeps saying that if Horowitz wins the Rumble, then he'll quit. Vince decides to start rooting for Horowitz. Diesal eliminates Hunter Hearst Helmsley, who came in at # 1. A good performance for him tonight. # 26 is Fatu, with his "Make a Difference" gimmick which went nowhere. # 27 is Isaac Yankem, DDS, who had possibly the worst and most annoying theme in WWF history, in competition to others such as Bastion Booger, Right to Censor, and "A Real Man's Man" Steven Regal. Owen Hart tosses Barry Horowitz, meaning Mr. Perfect won't be quitting, at least until about 9 more months. Shawn Michaels is able to eliminate Owen. Austin takes Shawn down, and then even mocks him with his pose. Marty Jannetty is # 28. Marty and Shawn start to get into a slugfest for old time's sake. They each go down with a double clothesline. # 29 is the British Bulldog, as we see that his wife Diana is in the crowd. We enter the end of the Rumble period, as there are constant eliminations to set up for the Final Four. Bulldog dumps Jannetty out, and Yankem eliminates Fatu. Shawn and the Bulldog fight outside, where Owen decides to jump Shawn. Shawn makes it back in to hit Yankem out. # 30 is Duke "the Dumpster" Droese. Droese is quickly eliminated by Diesal and Kama. I believe Steve Austin went out a little before this. We're left with the Final Four-- Shawn Michaels, Diesal, British Bulldog, and Kama. They pair off, and Shawn clotheslines the Bulldog out. Kama tries to throw Shawn out, but he hangs on. On the other side, Diesal tosses Kama. Diesal turns around into Sweet Chin Music, to send him to the floor. Shawn Michaels wins the Royal Rumble for a second year in a row at 58:46. As you can see, there wasn't perfect 2: 00 intervals. Diesal starts to walk to the back, until Dok Hendrix catches up to him. Diesal heads back in the ring, and congratulates Shawn with their old-school jumping high-five. On the Rumble Scale, it was about **1/4. A below average Rumble. --- WWF Championship- Bret Hart © vs. Undertaker Both Undertaker and Bret Hart are faces at this point. On his way out, Undertaker gets into a confrontation with Diesal, who's on his way to the back. The match... Undertaker takes control early on, getting Bret in chokehold after chokehold. Bret finally clotheslines him outside. Bret tries to work on him outside, but Taker sends Bret into the ringpost! Bret comes back by whipping Taker into the steel steps. Bret brings him back in, and locks in the figure-four. Bret is trying to work the legs here. Taker reverses the figure-four and gets the rope. Bret now locks in a grapevine lock, as the crowd starts to chant, "Rest in Peace!" Paul Bearer distracts the referee and Taker chokes Bret with a wire ringside. Taker continues the assault by tossing him into the timekeeper's table and using a steel chair. Back inside, Bret ducks a big boot, and works the knee some more. Taker regains control, hitting a leg drop and clothesline. Bret hits a DDT, and follows up with a roll-up for two. Russian leg sweep for two, and Undertaker sits up. Bret hits a bulldog, and Taker again sits up. Bret hits a backbreaker and hits the elbow off the second rope. He attempts the Sharpshooter, but it's blocked, and they knock each other out with a double clothesline. Bret's up first and he manages to take the Undertaker's white mash off. Bret then bashes exposed face into an exposed turnbuckle, exposing himself as a cheater at times.. uh-oh, too much exposing! Taker comes back, and hits a Tombstone! He makes the cover, but Diesal runs out and pulls the referee out! The referee calls for the bell, giving Undertaker the DQ win at a very long 28:29. Diesal even follows up with the unthinkable at the time... he gives the Undertaker the finger! Diesal heads to the back. This and events at the next In Your House, where Undertaker would cost Diesal the Title, would lead up to their match at Wrestlemania XII. The match was way too long. It really should have been half of what it was. I give it *3/4 just some action near the end. --- --- --- --- --- --- And so ends the 1996 Royal Rumble, a pretty bad show at that. The front of the box reads "You've been warned!" Maybe it was referring to the main event between Undertaker and Bret Hart, or maybe it was actually legit. Bottom line, a recommendation to avoid. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest kurtangledoesnotsuck Report post Posted June 14, 2002 Next up, one of the hilarious Billionaire Ted skits. In this particular one, Ted's stooges suggest that "Nacho Man" try new moves like the Pearl River Plunge, as shown on the TV. Nacho's says he's never used that move before, and he ain't never going to! They suggest aerial tactics for "The Huckster", but he says that his feet are too old to leave the mat. Finally, Ted suggests that Huckster be called the "Boy Toy"! And boy, didn't it come back to haunt them. I love irony. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest RetroRob215 Report post Posted June 14, 2002 Very good job, but it's Diesel, not Diesal. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
