Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted August 31, 2007 THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY PRESENTED IN HD The introductory video is shown, accompanied by Party Like a Rockstar and various clips of highlights from Angleslam. Once it comes to an end the logo is displayed with radiant brilliance. FEMALE VOICE OVER And now, courtesy of Budweiser Select, and The OAOAST it is time for HeldDOWN! Our opening image is not that of the announce team, or the arena, or the city of East Rutherford. In fact its not of anything even on earth! Our image is that of Heaven! No you haven't died, most of you are going to hell anyway, it's just a reasonable facsimile of the great beyond. The “flooring” is littered with fluffy white clouds that are sprinkled in red and yellow glitter, and enormous, thick, formations of yellowish clouds float through a beautifully golden sky. Various angels, with wings adorned in jewelery and sparkling bangles mill about the lush jungle of serenity, concerning themselves with heavenly activities such as reading, writing, painting or playing the harp. Situated on a white marble bench next to a male harp player are Logan Mann and Synth Esizer, wearing outfits similar to the other angels. LOGAN MANN Welcome to heaven, enjoy it, love it, embrace it, taste it, smell it, and revel in it, because the likes of you will never see it again. The Rockers smile. LOGAN Most people are pretty modest, somewhat humble, and maybe a bit timid. On the whole they're decent, respectful folks, without much grand to brag about or say. If they achieve something that numerous people have doubted that they could do, humility kicks in, and they don't say I told you so, no matter how much they want to. That's most people. But thank the gods here in Heaven, we're not most people. We're Logan “Usher” Mann and Synth Esizer! SYNTH And the L.Mann and the Synthmesiter remember a certain blond skank sayin in reference to the slammin of Angle “With Holly on our side, we can't lose and you can't win.” So it gives us some big ass pleajouuurrrrr to say “Bitch, we done told you so! We done told you so, monkey brained bitch!” What you gonna do now, huh? You done fucked up, you hear moi? You both done fucked up! LOGAN Calm down, my good man, calm down. This night isn't about us and our latest, of many, achievements. This night happens to be all about our new best friend, our new manager, our new hero, a true Syrian Prince and an undisputed Canadian Icon. This night is about Abdullah Abir Nerdly! Colonel Abdullah Abir, messenger of the prophets, may you enter the heavens! Floating, yes floating up through the clouds and into heaven, Abdullah Abir Nerdly, outfitted in a black cowboy hat and Sheppard robes lands perfectly in place between the Rockers on the marble bench. So captivated by his presence, the other angels gather around to hear him speak. ABDULLAH NERDLY My name is Abdullah Abir Nerdly, and I live in a state of constant fear. I continually worry. I can't focus my concentration, my eyes water incessantly, my nose runs, I wipe it, it runs again, I feel these constant little nagging itches, that no matter how hard I scratch at or work to get rid of, they just won't go away. And I don't want to complain or whine, but I'm suffering because of this incredible, awful fear. And you can scorn and laugh at me, maybe even taunt me, I'll understand. But I hope none of you know what's it like to have the fear of being to god damn powerful. SYNTH You can't fight this cat's power! ABDULLAH Old timers in this business often think of wrestling as a game of human chess. They spout that little line, not knowing what it truly means, and with the mouth breathing listeners even more ignorant of its definition. What a game of human chess honestly is, is the king, the proud and boastful ruler, waiting in the shadows while the pawns foolishly slaughter each other thanks to some misguided thought that they may one day, one day, be kings themselves. And as the battle draws to a close, as one pawn thinks he's overcome fate by decimating all his foes, the king comes in, and with a simple, casual swipe of his sword the pawn is beheaded and left like all the rest. الموت لهم جميعا مذنبون والحمقي! The Rockers applaud. ABULLAH But every once in a while the game gets all screwed up. Somehow, someway, a pawn breaks through the ranks, charges through his mediocre limitations and meets up with a king. At Angleslam that's exactly what we saw. My brothers, my lowly, my pathetic, my currently hospitalized brothers, succeeded in encountering a pair kings chosen by the heavens, The Heavenly Rockers. For a moment it looked like the pawns, these two geeks who didn't stop sleeping with a night light until they were fourteen, were going to upset the crowned princes of rock n wrestling. But, Synth and Logan were chosen to rule by divine intervention! They are the kings chosen by the gods! And when divine intervention is challenged by pawns and my sister, the town whore of Edmonton, then divine intervention must divinely intervene. المذنبون يموت يخون كسبوا لهم الموت والجحيم والموت والجحيم ولكن ليس لهم كل الاحتقار يخون The angels nod in agreement. ABDULLAH إنا لله وإنا الاسطوره وانا كل شيء وانا المحارب So I the messenger of the prophets, the speaker for Allah, the torch bearer for a religious revolution, was required to don my knightly helmet , wield my sword of Damocles and lay waste to the blasphemers, Marvin, and Melvin! انهم سيعانون وانهم سيحرقون جميع سيموت! Synth makes a motion of beheading someone with a sword. ABDULLAH The crown princes of rock n roll's reign will be eternal and it will be prosperous, so sayeth the prophets, so sayeth their messenger, Colonel Abdullah Abir Nerdly! LOGAN Fantastic, man. But you have a lot of pent up anger, my man, and it isn't good to keep it all welled up like that. You gotta let it out! Let those feelings flow. Tell us what you really think about Marvin and Melvin. ABDULLAH Marvin, Melvin. Brothers. Comrades. Friends. Love. Understanding. Compassion. Joy. Foes. Rivals. Archenemies. Adversaries. Hatred. Anger. Rage. Murder. Death. Hell. The Nerdly family totals more kids then you could ever imagine, yet the only three I ever think about are Marvin, Melody and Melvin. And I only think about them being in a hospital bed in critical condition. I hate them. I hate them because they stole the spotlight that belonged to me. None of the people, none of them, have ever dared to understand who I am! If they did, they'd understand why I did what I did. I invite all of my detractors to take a look into the western hockey leauge recordbooks, and they'll find the name Abdullah Abir Nerdly listed as the league's leading goal scorer for four straight years. I was a dominant player, capable of turning the tides of a game with a flick of my wrist. The people, the country, adored me. And what did they think of my little brother and my big sister? Nothing. They were unknown dorks back then! SYNTH In Melody's case, ain't a whole lot done changed! ABDULLAH Fast forward to the OAOAST, and all of a sudden the tables turn. Marvin and Melvin get respect because every horny hormonal teenage girl in North America has a multiple orgasm when they take their shirt off. Melody gets love, because she's dumb as a sack of rocks, and can't find a pair of shorts that cover up her ass cheeks. But, poor Abdullah, the man with the true athletic pedigree in the Nerdly family gets looked at as a joke, tossed around for the fans' entertainment by freaks of nature like Mister Warrior and Bohemoeth. Funny joke for a while, I'll admit. Not so funny when it ended going up in flames. Pun intended. From now on there will be nothing but respect for the speaker of the prophets Colonel Abdullah Abir Nerdly. And there will be nothing but dominance and riches for The Heavenly Rockers. Our alligence, led by my keen managerial skills is the formation of a dynasty that will stretch eternities. Unfortunately Holly-Wood, and my older sister Melody, won't make it to even see week two of this dynasty. Marvin and Melvin may yet walk again. Melody and Holly, you may not breathe again. The “Heavens” darken and Abdullah and The Rockers smirk with an arrogant damnation as the shot fades out. COACH Bless those Heavenly Rockers! No, we're the ones who are blessed, because they allowed us simple sinners into the halls of Heaven. COLE Are you dumb? That wasn't Heaven, that was just cheap CGI, and terrible special effects. Anyway, folks welcome to a Friday edition of HeldDOWN. While Angleslam was a fantastic show, we apologize for you not getting to see the world title match. Hopefully it will be available this weekend on our encore presentation. But we have quite the show for you tonight, we heard from The Rockers already, but we'll also see Los Conquistadors, hear from Nathenial Black, The Love Doctors and Simon Singleton and Molly Nerdly have a new documentary film starring The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew for us. Stick around. COMMERCIAL BREAK Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted August 31, 2007 Go to OAOASTShop.com to buy the latest in OAOAST merchandise! Toys! Belts! T-shirts! Foam hands! Bandanas! Chains! Wrist bands! And anything else your heart desires! You can find what the OAOAST superstars wear at only one place, OAOASTShop.com! AOL keyword: OAOASTShop! MAGGIE What's on and popping, Maggie Nerdly here hanging out with the OAOAST's answer to Maggie Thatcher herself, Nathaniel Black. What's the deal lime sauce? Black, who has been standing with a smug grin on his face, looks at Maggie in confusion. BLACK Are you on drugs, lass? MAGGIE What makes you say that? BLACK Well, you're young. You're a blone Yank airhead. Lohan. Spears. Ringin' any bells? MAGGIE Nooo, never! My mommy loved me. You know what they say, Hugs Not Drugs. Plus, I'm Canadian. So, anyway, down to business, we've got some footage to show the good people of TV land from our weekend show. I think it's called Syndicated, or OAOAST Pro, or Wrestling Superheroes... I dunno, nobody seems to be sure. But anyway, it's footage involving you. We're gonna see Jamie O'Hara wrestling that my fellow Canadian crumpet Mister James Blonde, from last Saturday night on the 'Road To AngleSlam special'. And... *ahem!* MAGGIE ...uh, and you make a little cameo appearance along the way, which... *AHEM!* MAGGIE ...you're not a ventriloquist, are ya? BLACK No. MAGGIE In that case... Maggie looks around for the source of the throat clearing. Nothing to the left, but to the right stands LEON RODEZ, waving coyly. Pointing to herself to check if it's she he's trying to get the attention off, Maggie gives him a quick thumbs-up and turns to the camera as if nothing happened. MAGGIE Okay, roll footage! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted August 31, 2007 * SWOOSH * Courtesy: OAOAST Syndicated Snap suplex by O'Hara! SCHIAVONE O'Hara, mounting a real comeback here! O'Hara hops up quickly, stomping Blonde back down and making sure he's firmly down. He then sets, readying himself before springing off the mat and tumbling... WITH A SHOOTING STAR PRESS!?! "YYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" 1... 2... Kickout! Furious, O'Hara glares at Mickey Jay as he gets back up, waiting for Blonde. On the outside, Faqu continues to watch on stoicly. SCHIAVONE O'Hara has to stay on the attack here, Blonde is visably reeling. Picking himself up in the corner, sudden fear strikes Blonde as The Birmingham Bad Boy sprints towards him... ...sidestep... ...O'Hara lands on the middle rope safely though. With a quick spring, he then vaults backwards, moonsaulting... onto his feet! Blonde is able to sidestep the 'sault too though and as O'Hara lands, a short knee to the ribs slows the human speedball down. Resting against the turnbuckles for a second, Blonde eventually goes up onto the middle rope, drawing O'Hara into a stinging right hand and hooking on a front facelock. Blonde then takes off, spiking O'Hara on his head with a Tornado DDT! VENTURA From Vancouver With Love, not a lot of love for O'Hara though. All pain. With O'Hara down, Blonde slows the pace down a little by taking a breather, before making a cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Pulling O'Hara up, Blonde nails a right hand and then a second before pushing O'Hara into the ropes, sending him across the ring. As he hits the ropes though, O'Hara manages to hook his arms over the top rope and halt his momentum... only for Blonde to charge in anyway and clothesline O'Hara up and over the top. However, he doesn't notice O'Hara grabbing the top rope and levering himself onto the apron and turns his back to motion to the crowd, leaving himself open for a springboard missile dropkick from O'Hara! Sprawling forward, Blonde ends up tumbling out through the ropes and to the floor, while O'Hara tries to regain his senses. VENTURA Not a good place to be against this guy. Slowly Blonde pulls himself up on the outside. In the ring meanwhile, the same can be said for O'Hara, who has Blonde in his sights. Moving Mickey Jay aside, O'Hara takes a run-up, before cartwheeling across the ring and tumbling up, over, out and WIPING OUT BLONDE WITH A SPACE FLYING TIGER DROP~! "YYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" SCHIAVONE Put that one on the highlight reel! VENTURA They didn't do that kinda thing in my day, Schiavone. The crowd applaud O'Hara, as he and Blonde lie in a mangled heap on the arena floor. Meanwhile, referee Mickey Jay begins his count on both men. O'Hara rolls to his knees, trying to shake out the cobwebs after taking a pretty rough landing on the floor himself. Watching from a few feet away is Faqu, standing menacingly cracking his knuckles. SCHIAVONE I still don't understand what right that monster has to be out here. He can't have a manager's license and he's obviously got a vested interest in proceedings. VENTURA Schiavone, get with the times. Manager's licenses are out, crazy gymnastic flips are in. Pulling himself up, O'Hara turns and looks suspiciously at Faqu. He's not afraid to mouth off to the big Samoan as he begins to pull his opponent to his feet. But his divided attentions cost him, as Blonde suddenly charges The Birmingham Bad Boy backwards, driving his spine into the ring apron! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Backing up, Blonde waits for Jamie to step forward before driving him backwards into the ring apron a second time. SCHIAVONE Blonde, buying himself some time here after that dive he absorbed. Blonde rolls O'Hara in at six to break the count. With that dealt with, Blonde takes a moment to turn and hurl abuse at the ringside fans before climbing back to the apron and waiting on O'Hara to get up. O'Hara slowly gets to his feet, turning towards Blonde who latches onto his head, bringing his throat down across the top ring cable. The 5'9 Brit is propelled off his feet from the momentum of the move and lands with a thud. Blonde stops for a second to get himself together before then entering the ring, waiting for Jamie to get back up. He gives the immortal signal that it's OVAH~! and the crowd quickly rally behind O'Hara to recover. SCHIAVONE The Canadian with those hands twitching, he's stalking O'Hara, looking for the Illegally Blonde here it looks like. As the shaken O'Hara pushes back onto his feet, it's the signal for Blonde to make his move. He grabs the arm and tries to sink in the cobra clutch immediately... ...NO! O'Hara rolls out behind, leaping onto Blonde's shoulders and taking him over with a quick victory roll... 1... 2... 3!!! "YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" VENTURA Woah! SCHIAVONE He got him, out of nowhere! As Blonde sits up with his eyes bugging and two fingers brandished at the referee, O'Hara turns to the crowd and nods his head, as if to say he knew he'd win all along. He wouldn't feel quite so smart though if he realised NATHANIEL BLACK had just rolled into the ring and was measuring him for a LARIAT!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" SCHIAVONE What the hell is this now!? VENTURA It's a bonus! Be grateful Schiavone. Black jumps up and puts the boots to O'Hara, quickly joined by Blonde who is still fuming over the defeat. The duo stomp away on O'Hara as Faqu enters the ring too, scaring off referee Mickey Jay. Calling off the attack, Black drags O'Hara off the canvas to club him with a European Uppercut! And another! Noticing a fourth man in the ring, Black then throws O'Hara away... *WHAM!* ...into a BRUTAL Samoan Drop from Faqu!! "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" VENTURA That's three hundred plus pounds right there coming down on your chest, an easy way to collapse a lung or two! SCHIAVONE Jesse, this is ridiculous! This is three on one, there's no need for this! As Faqu pulls himself back up, Black walks over to the fallen Birmingham Bad Boy. Standing over him, the badmouth is put on O'Hara by the thick accented Cockney... before a hard *SLAP!* puts an exclamation point on the message. Black then raises his arms in the air, as Blonde continues to insist he got a shoulder up on two to anyone who'll listen. * SWOOSH * Back to live HD and Nathaniel Black nods as the footage ends. MAGGIE (clearly distracted) So... uh... have you ever met Simon Cowell? BLACK (ignoring Maggie) I told you all at Syndicated, I was gonna kick some arse and take some names for the way this bloody company treated me like a steamin' pile of dog crap when I was here first time. Jamie O'Hara, of all the tossers in this locker room, you're the one I 'ate the most. So, it starts with you, 'mate'. Yeh, you may be not be a Yank. You may be 'British', but you sure as heck ain't a British wrestler! I warned ya in WDW, my mission in the US was to prove British wrestling is the best wrestling. That Britain is the best, period. And so long as glorified circus acts like you are walkin' 'round representin' England, I'm wastin' my pissing time. I'm 'ere to set an example. And if it's through you, all the better. MAGGIE Nathaniel, that was bitching. Thanks. Scowling, Nathaniel marches off, leaving Maggie free to scuttle back over to where Leon Rodez continues to stand by. MAGGIE Okay, so, where were we? LEON Oh. Sorry for interrupting by the way. MAGGIE No problem. That guy stunk of lager for some reason. LEON Fantastic. So, anyway, you know the past few months have been really rough for me and I haven't been myself. Infact, I'm not sure I've been myself since you've been in the OAOAST. And, you know, Jade's finally seen the light, thank God, so... I'm finally in a good place again. And it occured to me the other day that the past few weeks, you've been trying to interview me and I was giving you a little short-shrift. MAGGIE Oh, well, totally understandable... LEON No. Look, that's not me, you know. To be that way to someone who's just trying to do their job. Let's face it, when I go to the bank or I'm trying to order at the Diary Queen, there's some people who aren't so great at what they do but I'm pleasant and courteous to them. And yeah, I'm not a huge fan of DMV workers or the IRS. But they're doing their job. Besides, technically, we're colleagues. You know about The Love Shack, right? Oh, who am I kidding, how could you not! It's award winning you know. MAGGIE I think I saw one where you made fun of Marv and Mel. Awkward moment!! MAGGIE It's okay though, I do it all the time. They're total dorks! Phew! LEON Oh, totally! (forced laugh) Listen, the point is, I know what it's like trying to do your job. I'm part of the interview personality community and as part of that community, I should have went the extra mile to show solidarity with you, my bretheren. And for not doing that, I apologise. So, to make it up to you, I was thinking... maybe, dinner? After the show? You know, a little get together with the interviewers kinda thing? JOSH MATTHEWS (off-screen) Ooh, I'll come! LEON Sorry Josh, you're more of an 'orally based journalist' than an interviewer buddy! Maybe some over time. (to Maggie) So, that sound good? Maggie takes a second to think about it before shrugging. MAGGIE Sure, why not. LEON Great! See you real soon. As Maggie walks off, curling a finger through her hair with a big smile on her face, Leon stays ice cool leaning up against the wall. LEON And that's why guys without a match come to every show. ..... That and the fines. JOSH MATTHEWS (off-screen) Were you talking to me? LEON No Josh, just thinking aloud! Send your mom my love when you see her next, hey? Ooohhhh, #Wake up Maggie I think I got somethin' to say to you!# Leon struts away as we go back to wherever Patty damn well wants! Patty wants ad revenue! Or imaginary ad revenue. COMMERCIAL BREAK Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted August 31, 2007 (edited) SCHOOL HAZE A documentary film By Simon Singleton Cinematography by Molly Nerdly STARRING Rico De Janeiro Lucius Soul and featuring Tyler Bryant Shayne Brave The “movie” begins with the musical accompaniment of Wonderful World by Sam Cooke and an exterior shot of the Beverly Hills Vista Elementary School, where Maya Duncan-Blanchard, daughter of Krista and Ned, spends time honing her already out of this world intellect. As it's only a few minutes before the opening bell, the grounds are overflowing with rambunctious children, and teachers trying to usher them into the building. After the ranks of students thin out, the image dissolves, rematerializing seconds later into the sight of Lucius Soul and Rico De Janeiro strolling through a hallway of the prestigious school. Soul has attired himself in snake skin shoes, zebra print bell bottoms, a purple and green tiger print vest, and an orange fedora. Rico looks sightly less crazy in white jeans that are a million sizes too short, and a bright yellow silk dress shirt. SINGLETON (off screen) Simon Singleton... MOLLY (off screen) And me! SINGLETON Simon Singleton, and Molly Nerdly, offering you a firecracker of an expose, as we seek to blow up the biggest sham of them all, the American educational system. Today, Mister Lucius Soul and Mister Rico De Janeiro join our hunt for two women, Alix Maria Spezia, and Krista Isadora Duncan, a parent of a child who's being brutally swindled by the shady ploys of a broken institution. MOLLY Lucius, it cost seventeen thousand dollars per year to send your child to this school. More then what your average American can possibly afford. How do you feel about that? Soul and Rico admire the fabulous conditions of the ritzy private school. SOUL Man, this place is nice. My elementary school was so ghetto kindergärtners didn't have nap time, they had lockdown. Art teacher was mad niggerish, had us making counterfit license plates, talking 'bout he can get ten bucks a pop down at the corner store. Took us on a field trip, said we was going to the art museum, nigga had us meetin his probation officer. “Look officah, Ah'm supportin mah kids!” RICO So this, chico, this is what it means to be rich in America? All your money and riches forked over to your snot nosed little brats. Do ya know how much money Rico gives to his kids? Not a dime, man. You work for what you earn in Rico's world, chico. You get nothing from me, man. Nada. Suddenly a young boy carrying a ceramic bowl he made in art class darts down the hallway. Obviously unaccustomed to having people who look bat shit insane in his hallway, he stops, surprised at the sight of the strange foursome. Rico eyes his ceramic bowl with curiosity. RICO Hey, man, whatchu got there? That don't look like no textbook or calculator. KID Its a bowl! I made it for my mommy. Rico snatches the bowl out the kid's hand. It appears that he's about to cry, until Soul silences him with a menacing finger wave. RICO No, you make it for Rico now. Hmm...it looks more like a cup then bowl. By cup Rico seems to have meant protective cup as he rubs it around his crotch, drawing a dissatisfied scowl onto his face. RICO This, this, don't fit, man! This don't fit at all. Was wrong witchu, man? What you tryin to do to Rico, man? You tryna break Rico's balls? Rico don't break his balls for nobody. I gotta have you understand something, see. Rico has big Brazillian cock, huge South American penis. It's an icon in my village, adored by the women, respected by the men, enjoyed by children of all ages. Sometimes, when the cops are interrogating someone, man, and he's real tough, don't wanna talk, they bring in Rico, and I smack 'em around with my penis, then he gets to spillin' his guts. KID I saw my daddy smacking the poolboy with his penis. He works for the government! MOLLY Woah! What's that I hear? An Emmy? A Larry King Interview? Front page New York Times? RICO (ignoring Molly's delight) Rico needs big, big, cup to protect his monstrous penis. Can you build Rico big cup for his big penis? The kid nods enthusiastically. RICO Good man. You keep eating your vegetables, sayin' your prayers, and wishing upon a star, maybe one day some little kid will make you cup for your big Brazilian penis like me. Pleased with the knowledge that he to may one day traumatize young boys, the kid scurries off. SOUL (laughing) You wrong for that, Rico. You mad wrong. I ain't visiting you neither when they cart you off to the pen. RICO Whatchu mean, mang? The children love me, because I don't give it to them no bullshit. You wanna know the real problem with America and its schools, they don't wanna give the children the realness like I do. I tell 'em everything beca.... Before Rico can finish his sentence the sound of two familiar voices silences he and his partner. The voices belong to two males who couldn't be day older then twenty. Their laugh grates on the nerves of Rico and Soul, etching looks of disapproval onto their face. The camera swerves around to reveal D*LUX's Shayne Brave and Tyler Bryant emerging from a fourth grade classroom. The sight of each other throws all four men into a state of shock, because if two OAOAST wrestlers in an elementary school thousands of miles away from their hometown is very strange, then four OAOAST wrestlers in an elementary school thousands of miles away from their hometown is SEVERLY FUCKED UP! Soul is able to get over the fucked upness quickly enough to draw first verbal blood. SOUL Well, if it ain't peckerwood and peck-a-dick. SINGLETON Oh snap! RICO (holding the ceramic bowl to his dick) Hey, you guys like my new cup? SHAYNE A little big for you, isn't it? MOLLY Oh double snap! SOUL Yo, shut the hell up, boy. What are ya'll doing up in here? SHAYNE (proudly) Us? We're Maya Duncan-Blanchard's show and tell! As a matter of fact we were a huge hit with her class. SINGLETON Show and tell? SOUL I get it. They show the kids how to be a pussy, and tell 'em how to be a bitch. MOLLY Oh snap-oh snap-and oh snap again! TYLER We answered you. So, you answer us. What do you want here? SOUL While ya'll steady stay on some To Catch A Predator, Garry Glitter type shit, simping on some sixth graders, waving around lil Kool-Aid juice boxes and Lunchables like it crack rock to ho's on eighth avenue, we came looking for the finest hoes in all of Southern California, Alix Spezia and Krista Isadora Duncan. Where they at? TYLER I'd thank you not to refer to Miss Krista as a hoe. And they're at work. Miss Krista is filming a fitness video, and Alix is at her bakery. RICO (stunned) Why ain't they with Maya, mang? This where she go to school, right? Who lied? SHAYNE Huh? A mother doesn't spend her every waking moment at her kid's side. Apparently this is a new concept for Rico and Soul, who now realized they've flown across the country for nothing more then a tour of Dodge Stadium. SOUL Man, I don't believe this shit! Awww, god damnit! God damn it! While dressing like they may have just crawled out of a drag revue show, and enlisting a five year old into making penis apparel, may not have drawn the attention of the faculty, but Soul's outburst certainly did. The door to the classroom that D*LUX just emerged from creeps open. However, the arguing wrestlers aren't admonished with the stern face of the teacher, but with the stern face of Maya Duncan-Blanchard, dressed like a miniature Krista. However, she chews them out like a full grown Krista. MAYA Excuse me! I know its kind of hard to tell with all the lockers, children, backpacks, textbooks, classrooms, computers, chalkboards, and teachers around, but this is actually a school. Shocking, I know. The Beverly Hills Vista Elementary schools strives to provide us students with incentives for character, scholarship, and personality through a rigorous yet engagingly revolutionary curriculum. But in order to do that, our teachers need thoroughgoing taciturnity. Do you understand? RICO No. Not at all. MAYA Just be quieter! SOUL Sure thing, sweetie. MAYA Please don't call me sweetie. I want society to respect me no matter what flavor I decide to be, sweet, sour, tangy, mild. I'm careful about what auras I allow into my life. Oh, hi, Uncle Simon! SIMON Hi, Maya! Once Maya disappears to go back to discovering the secret of life or whatever it is girl geniuses do, the adults keep their voices at inside level. TYLER What would bottom feeders like you you want with Miss Krista and Alix anyway? Forgetting Maya's stern admonishment, Molly belts out her answer. MOLLY To put the parents who enable this farce of an edu... RICO (interrupting Molly, obv) What we, Lucius and Rico, want is title belts and championship gold! You know, man, The Mardi Gras should be the undisputed number one tag team in the world. Problem is, a couple of these bums out in the industry, they don't wanna recognize the greatness that Rico and his partner, Sweet Lucius Soul bring to the table. Why is that, mang? SOUL Jealously. Plain and simple. RICO Jealously that we have everything they want, money, cars, women, power, and the world, chico. The world most of all. How do we get these maricon cocksuckers to recognize that the Wrecking Crew owns that number one spot? How we gonna overcome the jealously and get what's coming to us? I tell you, man. I tell you. We get those One and Only world tag team titles. We get those belts from Chicks Over Dicks, and we got the respect and the recognition, we've been deserving since the dawn of time. We're gonna be on top, man, us and nobody else. SOUL (smirking) And that ain't no thang for Mardi Gras. After all we is the greatest HI-YAH tag team champs of all time. Right? Not taking Lucius' bait, Shayne defends Krista's honor rather then his own. SHAYNE Miss Krista is as brave and courageous as she is beautiful! She's a real life warrior princess! TYLER She'll take your challenge, no question about it. And just like in the scramble cage match she'll be the one showered with cheers and chants, and you'll be the one showering with tears and regrets. You can bet on that. After all she is a four time tag team champion, and you, well...you're nothing. RICO (laughing) When you're defending your little eight man titles... TYLER Six man.. RICO whatever, once every four months, and we're getiin praised as the greatest tag team in the business, I'll make sure to remind you you said that, man. Soul puts his hand in the air to call for silence. SOUL 'Cause I'm such a good Christian, and a proud, proud, member of the church and congregation, praise the lord Jesus, it hurts me to have to talk so dirty about them females, but they dirty girls and I gotta do a dirty girl in the dirtiest way I know. See, we got another problem with Chicks Over Dicks. SHAYNE What's that? SOUL What I got to tell you is a dose of that strong medicine, lord forgive me for what I'm bout to say, but you made me no other way. We motherfucking pimps. Pimpeddd out with three d's for a triple dose of this pimpin. God put women on this earth to ho, and macs on this earth to pimp. I tell a bitch I'ma pimp they ass and that's that, I tell a bitch I'ma tap that ass, and that's that again. They say okay, we do the damn thing, and I get my money. And when I see those two bitches, Alix and Krista, its like damn I gotta do this. They got on them fuckin jeans and them skirts, how the fuck am I not goin' pimp this? God gave me life to pimp that quality of bitch. Rico, how we not gonna pimp this? At the very least how we not gonna tap that? SHAYNE Because if you try to you're gonna come face to face with a D*LUX beatdown. RICO (ignoring Shayne's threat) Because they're dykes. MOLLY Bigotry and prostitution as it relates to an upper class interracial lesbian couple as a metaphor for the faltering educational system? You couldn't have planned this better if it was a skit in the middle of a show featuring heavily choreographed fake fighting. Please continue with your ignorance! SOUL Alix and Krista could be the best hoes we've ever had. Big ol booties, big ol titties, fine ass legs, and a whole lot of brains. They home run hitters, they competin on that field, going to hit that grand slam, getin they man, us men, everything. They know we been itchin' to bust that shit out! But they shuttin us out, because instead of letting Soul strap on the rubber, they'd rather strapon the rubber, if you know what I mean? LITTLE BOY No, what do you mean? RICO What the hell? Get outta here, man! SOUL Ya'll might be cool with circle jerkin to their fitness videos and magazine spreads, but big Lucious and Rico slim, is pimps, and we gotta be how pimps be, and real pimps, real one hundred percent, hard and cold on a hoe pimps, ain't be appreaciating pussy keeping pussy. RICO This is to say we don't appreciate this lesbian thing, mang. It goes against the natural order of being a pimp. SHAYNE Hey, guess what, dude? We don't appreciate you calling Krista or Alix, bitches, and hoes. In fact, we don't really appreciate anything you've said right here. And you're close to starting a fight you can't win. TYLER So either clam up, or we'll clam you up! RICO That so, man? SOUL Easy, easy, easy. You don't have to appreciate anything, just pass on the message. These queen latifah girls is done. When the big daddies bust down the door its over for these carpet munchers, because we coming to bomb that shit wide out! Wonderful World returns to it's position as the auditory narrative as the camera glides backwards through the hallway, eventually reducing the staredown between the two teams into one jumbled speck. As it backs out the door the view switches to an image of solider lying bloody and dead within the jungles of Vietnam. No it doesn't make sense, but its art, it shouldn't make sense to plebeians like you. SCHOOL HAZE A documentary film By Simon Singleton Cinematography by Molly Nerdly COACH D*LUX looking like some simple fools right about now. Couple of Captain save-a-hoes. And the ho they saving is a lesbian. Disgusting. You'll never see me like that. COLE I doubt we'll ever see you with a woman period. Folks, please stay tuned for more OAOAST action, as The Love Doctors will battle Los Conquistadors, a team still on the hunt for their first OAOAST victory. Edited August 31, 2007 by Patty O'Green Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted August 31, 2007 BUFFER The following contest, one fall with a 10 minute time limit. Introducing first, in the corner to my left, the meanest, baddest hombres in el mundo…LOS CONQUISADOOOOOORRRRRRRSSSSSSS! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Fuming over yet another jobber entrance, Uno and Dos turn their backs to the camera in protest. *WHIIIR!* *WHIIIR!* Doctor, doctor, give me the news I've got a bad case of lovin' you No pill's gonna cure my ill I've got a bad case of lovin' you Young girls and women alike are sent into a frenzy upon the arrival of TV’s hottest doctors. BUFFER And their opponents, from the Windy City, total combine weight 456 pounds...DR. MAX ANDERSON and DR. STEVEN PIGLEY... THE LLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOVVEEEEE DOCTOORRRRSSSS! "YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The Doctors of Doctornomics hop onto the apron and give their adoring fans a big thumbs up prior to stripping off their lab coats, possibly inducing early labor for some women with their gyrations! COLE A quick reminder, fans. You can catch the encore presentation of Angleslam all this week on pay-per-view and I highly suggest that you do, even if you saw it live Sunday night. One of the most amazing nights I’ve ever been apart of, Coach. COACH No argument from me. Angleslam lived up to the hype. And how great is it to see The Love Doctors back in the ring, huh, Cole? It’s gotta feel good to fight something other than a malpractice lawsuit. COLE Will you stop! * DINGDINGDING * Uno and Dr. Max Anderson circle around before leaning in to lockup, and Anderson quickly snaps him over with a beautifully executed arm drag, followed by a hip toss. The Wild Chicano wanders to his feet and into a side headlock takeover… SHOULDER UP! …and almost gets himself pinned! He returns to a vertical base and brushes Dr. Max against the ropes, allowing for a blind tag on the part of the Love Doctors. Uno sends Anderson in for the ride, setting low for a backdrop...but Max leapfrogs over the top and dropkicks him flush in the jaw after Dr. Steven delivers an inverted atomic drop! “YYEEEAAAHHHH!” COLE The Lovematic Grampa! How long has it been since we’ve seen that? ONE... TWO... KICKOUT! Pigley tries to reel in the Wild Chicano, but Uno slips past his grasp and tags out. Enter Dos, who struts up to the good doctor while still wearing his oversized fur pimp hat. After some harsh words are exchanged the two lock horns… * OOF * …and Dos bends Steven over with a knee to the breadbasket! “BOOOOOOOOOOO!” COACH The crowd doesn’t like but screw them. Shaking hands with the public and kissing babies doesn’t guarantee victory. Dr. Steven is clubbed across the shoulder blades and falls on all fours. The evil geniuses that they are, Los Conquistadors concoct a scheme where they bait Dr. Max inside and pummel his partner with successive double axe handle smashes ala Demolition. COLE It’s times like this I wish there was a second referee present to prevent that kind of nonsense. Every other major professional sport utilizes a multiple referee crew, why not professional wrestling? COACH What’s next -- instant replay? Quit whining, Cole. Cheating is an art form. Only the best know how to get away with it. Pigley is brought to his feet and hammered by a series of trapping head butts, then swung over with a vicious neck breaker! ONE… TWO… THR-- NO! Following a tag, Uno slams Dr. Steven near the corner and climbs backwards, or from the inside rather than out, onto the top rope. COLE Uh-oh. Big trouble here. Uno raises his gloved fist and leaps off… “OOOOOOOOOOHHHH!” …AND WIPES OUT ON A SENTON SPLASH! Dr. Pigley shakes off the cobwebs and… “YYEEEEEAAAHHHHHHHH!” …makes the tag! Dr. Max Anderson comes in a house afire, rattling the Wild Chicano with a series of Kobashi spinning backfists and a big-time baaaaack body drop! Then he catches Dos trying to sneak up on him with a hard right square between the eyes and holds him up in a bear hug as Dr. Steven adjusts his elbow pad and charges off the ropes with a clothesline! COLE Defibrillator! Pigley returns the favor, placing Uno in a bear hug as Anderson performs a TOP ROPE SEATED SENTON that brings the fans out of their seats! COLE Guerney To The Center Of The Earth! That'll do it! ONE... TWO... THREE!!! "YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" * DINGDINGDING * BUFFER Here are your winners...THE LOVE DOCTORS! Doctor, doctor, give me the news I've got a bad-- Debt problem apparently, as the Enterprise personal debt collector, the Certified Public Ass-kicker himself, CPA blindsides Dr. Max with a MASSIVE CLOTHESLINE, which he follows with a jaw shattering BIG BOOT to Dr. Steven! COACH I take back what I said earlier, Cole. This is much worse than a malpractice suit. COLE What did The Love Doctors do to deserve this? “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” The man who financed the operation, THEODORE MONEYMAKER, scrolls to the ring with a wide grin on his face. From the apron he watches as CPA gives Doctors Max and Steven a FRONT SPINEBUSTER and DOMINATOR, respectively. * DINGDINGDINGDINGDING * COLE Come on, damnit! Somebody’s gotta go in there and stop this! COACH I don’t blame the officials for not wanting to get involved. Not when you have CPA standing there waiting. Moneymaker approaches The Love Doctors and stuffs a $100...NO, he thinks better of it and COVERS THEIR EYES with a pair of NICKELS and DIMES, and then SLAPS them with a HEAVY WAD OF CASH! MONEYMAKER COLE Moneymaker's Enterprise gets embarrassed at Angleslam and this is how he reacts? Despicable! Folks we will see you next week from Pittsburgh! Hopefully we'll know who our world champion is by then! Goodnight everybody! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
