The Match That Was Not

[Guest Tod deKindes]

With Edwin's permission, here is my winning match that you didn't get to read. It was supposed to take place before the Euro title match.

 

---

 

*** The crowd scanning camera searches the masses, finding such signs as "I WANT THE SKY TO FALL ON ME", "I AM A TODHEAD", and "STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN = SJL BOUND". As the "Hardcore Match" graphic busts through the screen, the announcers greet us back from commercial break. ***

 

Axis: Are you ready for some HARDCORE ONE ON ONE ACTION!!

 

King: Yes, and WHAT IS HER NAME??!

 

Axis: WELL--… Um, well, it's time for our hardcore rules match of the evening, guys.

 

Edwin: Mike Van Siclen and Tod deKindes, this should be a rocket buster!

 

King: (scanning signs) "I am a Todhead" … What the HELL does that mean?!

 

Axis: Tod deKindes is gaining new fans every week, King. He's been on a hot streak ever since coming back from his injuries.

 

Edwin: I'm a Todhead, too.

 

King: You're pathetic.

 

Axis: Let's take you to the ring!

 

…

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is a Hardcore Rules Match! Which means that there are NO rules whatsoever; and pinfalls as well as submissions can occur ANYWHERE in the building! Introducing first …

 

*** The pumping beats of Cassanova 419's "Light Me Up" reverberates through the arena, letting the crowd know just who's about to enter the arena. ***

 

Funyon: From Harrison, Illinois; weighing in at 237 lbs … He is, the "Amazin'" - Mike - Vaaaaaaaan Sicleeeeeeeennnnn!!

 

"Come on, come on, come on, LIGHT THAT FUCKER UP!"

 

*** White pyros explode as white lighting shows MVS in his traditional pose at the top of the ramp. Chair in one hand and trash can in the other, he paces down to the ring as a blue spotlight shines his way through. He throws the implements of pain infliction into the ring and rolls in. He poses in a corner, as the crowd greets him with the appropriate unfavorable reaction. He lets them know what he thinks about them and hops back down, pacing around the ring, smashing the trash can on the canvas in the process; just for kicks. The music dies down, allowing Funyon to resume his intros. ***

 

Funyon: And his opponent …

 

*** The heavy hitting "I Am Hated" by Slipknot blasts out the speakers and forces its way into everyone's ear drums. ***

 

Funyon: From Muenchen, Germany, weighing in at 227 lbs … Tod - deeeeeeeee - Kin - deeeeeeeeeeeeeessssss!!

 

*** The german one comes out, dressed to fight. Both fists fully wrapped in white athletic tape and bigger elbow pads, he's in a no sleeve black t shirt and his hair is tied back neatly into a pony tail. He's also lugging some toys to the ring, striding down the ramp with a kendo stick under one arm, and pushing a shopping cart full of goodies along the way. ***

 

Axis: Tod deKindes looks more than ready for battle!

 

Edwin: I would guess so, it's his first ever hardcore match in the Junior Leagues! And he's brought his groceries with him!!

 

King: Yes, but does he know what he's getting himself into? Sure, Tod is a proficient ring technician but is he a match for Mike Van Siclen's dangerous offensive style?

 

*** One by one, Tod deposits the weapons in the ring. Chair, STOP sign, trays, road signs, a toaster, more metal signs, another chair and a couple of trash can lids. With the kendo stick still in hand, he slides under the bottom rope, then proceeds to hop to the second turnbuckle, roaring mightily to the fans. MVS sees the opportunity, and pounces. ***

 

Axis: And Van Siclen will try to get the early advantage!

 

*** Bell rings. MVS is pounding on Tod in the corner, who somehow is still holding onto the kendo stick. Irish whip by MVS to the opposite corner. Blind charge misses as Tod moves out of the way of a corner splash. Tod rears back with the kendo stick … ***

 

"WHACK!"

 

*** MVS is still standing, but staggering. ***

 

"WHACK!"

 

Axis: Two solid shots with that kendo stick, and Mikey is still on his feet!

 

"WHACK!"

 

Axis: Make that three!

 

*** MVS hits the mat on that third shot, but he quickly stumbles up to his feet. Tod drops his stick and hammers away at him with right hands to the side of the head. Irish whip to the ropes, as Tod quickly picks up a nearby trash can lid. MVS ducks one swing of the lid but on the second bounce, Tod swings the lid once more and nails him in the mid section. Tod drops the lid, throws himself into the ropes and comes off nailing a swinging neckbreaker. He bounces off another set of ropes and drives down his knee right on the forehead. Cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Kick out by the Amazin' One, who's trying to get to his feet. Tod, with chair in hand, tries to chuck the weapon at his opponent, but MVS quickly moves out of the way as the chair hits one of the corner pads, and drops back onto the mat. ***

 

King: Whoa!! What a freakin' nut!!

 

Axis: This is hardcore rules, anything goes!!

 

Edwin: And Tod deKindes is not afraid to take advantage of those rules.

 

*** MVS, with his back turned to Tod, notices the damage he just avoided by a hair; only to turn around and walk right into a standing side kick courtesy of the German one. Cover. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Kick out once again by MVS. Tod quickly grabs him by the hair and plants him back down to the canvas with a jumping piledriver. Instead of going for another cover, he looks around the ring for any useful objects. He grabs a nearby intact chair and wedges it in a corner, between the second and third rope. He walks over to the opposite corner, stomp to Mike's head for good measure, and undoes the turnbuckle pad, exposing the steel bolt underneath. Another stomp to the head by Tod, as he brings up MVS to his feet by the hair. Corner Irish whip attempt is reversed by MVS as he sends Tod running back first into the wedged chair. Tod stumbles out, holding his lower back, but MVS quickly picks him up by the waist and stun guns him all the way across the ring, right onto the exposed turnbuckle! ***

 

King: Poor planning by Tod deKindes! His stupid little setup backfired RIGHT in his face. Hee hee! Too damn bad …

 

Axis: The cover!

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*** Shoulder up by Tod, who slowly gets to his feet. MVS runs the ropes and spears him down hard. He rolls off of Tod, throws himself in the ropes once again and lands another solid but lightening quick elbow drop on his prone opponent. He looks around the ring, contemplating which weapon to use next. He chooses to pick up an intact chair and opens it up in the seated position. He drags up Tod by his long stringy hair, peppers him with a few right hands for the sake of hitting him with a right hand, and then he seats him in the chair. MVS bounces off the ropes and nails a huge clothesline that sends everybody and everything toppling over to the mat. ***

 

King: Tod deKindes, have a SEAT!

 

*** MVS grabs hold of the toaster brought in earlier by Tod, and awaits for the german grappler to get to his feet. Tod staggers into position, as Mike CRACKS the toaster right on his head, denting the apparatus on its side. Tod crumbles to the mat in a heap. MVS covers. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Th-- …

 

*** Kick out by Tod. MVS picks him up and backs him into a nearby corner. Repeated punching and kicking by MVS, with added choke hold added for extra measure. Referee Matt Kivell tries to warn him about doing stuff like that, but he seems to fail to remember that this is a hardcore match, so what do you know. Irish whip to the opposite corner by MVS, but it's reversed by Tod! MVS hits the turnbuckle hard. Tod charges and connects with his own spear in the corner. He hooks MVS' arms in preparation of the overhead release double underhook belly to belly suplex, and dutifully executes that very move, coming a few feet short of a chair / mangled toaster wreckage. MVS staggers up to his feet, holding the back of his head, but he's met with a barrage of right hands, courtesy of the german one. Irish whip to the ropes by Tod. As he's running the ropes, Mike ducks a clothesline, and then a back elbow. On the third bounce off the ropes, Tod catches MVS by HIS long flowing locks and sends him flying high above the top rope and landing all the way to the outside mats, hitting his head on the guard rail along the way. ***

 

King: He threw him over the top rope, this should be a disqualification!!

 

Axis: Please King, get with the times!

 

Edwin: Mary hold the phone, the Amazin' One just went sailing past the fifty yard line courtey of the Todster and it is breakin' loose right here in this Tulsa Pier Four!! What a rocket buster!!

 

Axis: … *sigh* …

 

*** Tod paces around the ring while screaming at the crowd before finally locking his eyes on MVS at ringside, just now getting to his feet. Tod boots a few weapons out of the way, clearing the path for him to get a running head start in the ropes. After picking up enough speed, Tod leaps off into the air into a graceful sommersault plancha, connecting with the stumbling MVS. As the Todheads roar in approval of the high flying move, Tod himself lets out a rallying scream to his troops. He heads for his shopping cart full of goodies and starts emptying out its contents. ***

 

King: What the hell is he doing now?

 

*** Remaining in the cart were oddball objects such as more trash can lids, a framed portrait of Thoth, lunch trays, broom stick, a Kraftwerk Best Of Compilation CD (which Tod throws into the crowd), and finally a toilet seat which ends up smacking MVS in the head. Once the cart is fully empty, Tod grabs it and tries to push it up with all his might to the apron. ***

 

Edwin: He's trying to get that shopping cart into the ring!

 

Axis: Those things weigh a ton!!

 

*** Amazingly, Tod contradicts that statement by hoisting up the cart and throwing it over the top rope and into the ring, missing Matt Kivell by an inch. Tod goes to pick up Mike by the hair, but he's met with a low blow as MVS regains control of the action. He smashes Tod's head against the steel ring steps and then throws him back inside the ring. ***

 

King: Look at all this crap! There's a shopping cart in the ring, chairs, kendo sticks, road signs, a toaster! Good God … The only thing this match needs is a cow bell, leather chaps a a pair of cow boy boots.

 

*** MVS sets the shopping cart upright on its wheels and places it in center ring. Picking up Tod by the hair once again, he throws him into the ropes and bends down in an attempt at a back body drop. Tod kicks him in the face to counter and follows it up with a lightening fast snap suplex, signaling the start of the Sara Sequence. Second suplex is executed flawlessly as MVS is dropped stomach first on the canvas. Third suplex has a bit of a variation as MVS is dropped stomach first onto the shopping cart instead of the top rope. Under the rally of the crowd, Tod heads over to the ring apron, grabs the top rope firmly with both hands and springboards off with a leg drop right across the back of MVS' head; whom collapses back down to the mat. Tod falls on him for the cover attempt. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Thr-- …

 

Axis: No!!

 

King: Only two!! … *whew* …

 

*** More right hands from Tod on MVS. Irish whip attempt is reversed out of nowhere, as MVS sends Tod crashing face first into the very same shopping cart with a drop toe hold. As Tod holds what could possibly a broken and bloody nose, MVS advances on him and stomps him on the back of the head. He raises him back to his feet, grabbing him in a front facelock. He swings down his elbow in a downwards motion, connecting with his Code Red signature move. Cover attempt. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Thr-- …

 

*** Desperate kick out by Tod. MVS chooses a more direct approach to his offensive game plan, as he chooses to pick up a trash can lid; and as Tod slowly rises to his knees, and back to his feet. MVS stops that, however with a mighty swing of the trash can lid. ***

 

"WHACK!"

 

*** Tod is mightly staggered, but still standing on his feet. ***

 

"WHACK!"

 

*** Same result, though Tod is a bit more wobbly. ***

 

"WHACK! … WHACK! WHACK!"

 

"WHACK!"

 

…

 

"WHACK!"

 

*** Seeing Tod's stubborness to go down, MVS runs the ropes and nails a mighty swing to the face, finally knocking down the german grappler. Cover attempt. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Thr-- …

 

*** Another kick out by Tod. MVS rips Tod's sleeveless tee off of him and drops a few elbows to the sternum. He moves the shopping cart of out the way and drives down Tod with authority with his Blackjack Neck breaker, landing on the STOP sign. He places the downed Tod properly and goes to climb up to the top rope, facing the audience. Once up top, he quickly dives off, connecting with a breath taking moonsault, into yet another cover attempt … ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Thr-- …

 

*** … but Tod kicks out once again. MVS uses the occasion of a dazed Tod to once again climb up to the top rope, this time with his back to the crowd. He stands perched up on top, awaiting for his german opponent to get up and turn around. Once Tod is up, MVS soars off the top and NAILS Tod with an amazing top rope spear which folds him up in half. He wipes his hands clean, under the impression that this is it and then he goes for another cover … ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Th-- …

 

*** … but Tod will not stay down for the count of three. A bit angered, MVS picks up a chair and orders the german one to get up to his feet ASAP. Once up, Tod staggers around, trying to recall where he is exactly. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees some steel being wielded as he quickly ducks an oncoming swing of the chair. Off the ropes, he ducks another swing with a leap frog. Off the third bounce, MVS just simply chucks the chair at his face, as Tod runs full speed into it. ***

 

King: Now THAT is a taste of WHAM!!

 

Edwin: (unable to avoid the imminently obvious joke) Heh, you mean … If Mike wins, Tod will be sure to tell him to 'wake me up before you go go' ? Hee hee …

 

*** To that, neither one of his colleagues wishes to answer. Meanwhile, MVS picks up Tod by the hair and drags him all the way to a randomly chosen corner. Still holding Tod by the hair, MVS sits up on the top rope, but right then he comes right off, connecting with a vicious Tornado X-Factor on Tod! ***

 

Axis: There's the Apex Crusher by the Amazin' one!! This could be it!! The cover!

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Th-- …

 

*** Shoulder up by the german grappler. However, Tod is still down agonizing on the mat, so MVS climbs up to the top turnbuckle. After flipping off the nerd in the front row (he was an annoying jack ass anyway), he dives off connecting with a huge top rope leg drop. ***

 

Axis: Nice Guillotine Leg Drop by Van Siclen!

 

King: Axis, would you PLEASE get your facts together, it is called the VAN SICLEN Guillotine Leg Drop!! Mike Van Siclen has told me so himself!!

 

*** Instead of going for yet another cover attempt on the german one, MVS instead opts to go outside and under the ring, fishing out a couple of tables. He slides two in the ring, while he leaves a couple out to ring side. Back inside, he sets up one of the tables and then leans it into a corner. Instead of any fancy spots, he tries to just hip toss Tod through the wood instead, but Tod counters at the very last second and pushes MVS' face right against the table, though it fails to break. Surprise backslide by Tod. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Thr- …

 

*** Kick out by the Amazin' one. He quckly floors Tod with a DDT and then paces around the ring briefly in order to get his senses back. He grabs Tod, still by the hair, and goes to Irish whip Tod into the corner table, which is reversed. Now TOD tries it, only THAT's reversed. Multiple reversal spots lead MVS finally getting the upper hand and sending Tod towards that corner. Tod, however, quickly puts the brakes on and avoids a tabling by putting up his hands. What he doesn't see is MVS arriving full speed towards him. As Tod turns around, he sees an outstretched arm clotheslining the hell out of him, in the process sending both men through the table; Tod taking the worst brunt of it, though. MVS grabs both legs of Tod and drags him all the way to center ring. He looks around, looking for the approval of the crowd, but basically doesn't give a flying rat fuck about what they think, so he simply proceeds to yank on both legs with all his might in a quick and sudden motion; courtesy of a Double Leg Wishbone on the dazed and now agonizing german grappler. ***

 

King: Well, that's it.

 

Axis: What is it, King?

 

King: Tod deKindes ain't having no kids ever. Not that I'd want to see what the little nazi pukes would look like, though. Oh, the horror of it all.

 

*** MVS places himself in the appropriate position and runs the ropes, scoring with two or three snap leg drops on the prone Tod. He places his body into a lateral press, the age old way to pin a man. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Th- …

 

*** Kick out by Tod. MVS is starting to show a little frustration at his inability to put away his german opponent once and for all. As Tod is once again slowly getting up to his feet, MVS picks up a kendo stick and skilfully spins it around, showing off to the booing crowd. He goes for a mighty overhead swing of the weapon about ready to remove Tod's head; but suddenly Tod hits the mat, allowing the kendo stick to come crashing down with full force onto the top rope and bounce back up, striking MVS in the face. MVS goes down hard. ***

 

Axis: Mike Van Siclen has just hit HIMSELF with a kendo stick! We could see the tide turn around any minute now!!

 

*** Indeed, as Tod starts making his come back with right hands to the side of the head. Irish whip exchange leads to MVS ducking a clothesline and grabbing a waist lock. Tod tries to elbow out of it, but it's no use for now. MVS tries to lift up Tod in a german suplex, but the Deutsch One backflips behind his opponent and grabs his own waist lock. A german suplex on MVS won't seem to work as well, as he tries to fight it; so Tod simply switches to a Full Nelson hold and then DRIVES him down with authority with his patented Dragon Suplex. Tod grabs the other table and sets it up in center ring. He picks up MVS by the hair and screams out to the fans in his native tongue. ***

 

Edwin: Tod deKindes looks just about ready to finish off Mike Van Siclen!

 

Axis: Wait a second … it looks as if Tod is gonna deliver … the Spirit Breaker through the table??

 

King: No WAY! Mike Van Siclen is way too clever to let that happen to him!

 

*** And sure enough, MVS is appropriated into the pumphandle position. Tod scoops him up on his shoulder and goes to drive him down … only MVS slides out of the move from behind, spins Tod around and plants him down with a solid looking Flatliner. Both men are down, sucking wind. At this point, Matt Kivell would usually put on his mandatory ten count, but once again, this is hardcore rule; hence no count. Both men are on their back, but somehow, an arm each slowly lands onto his opponent's shoulders. Matt Kivell as no choice but to count both pinfalls … ***

 

*One!*  *One!*

 

*Two!*  *Two!*

 

*Thr- …, *Thr- …

 

*** Fortunately, both men happen to notice the careless blunder and quickly roll off their shoulders. After spending a few considerable seconds on the canvas, both roll up to their feet, trading right hands. Irish whip sequence. MVS catches Tod in his arms and suddenly goes in for the kill, as he tries to put on the Van Slaminator, but somehow Tod counters it and falls back to his feet! He grabs MVS in the front face lock and throws his arm over his head … ***

 

Axis: He's going for the Cerebral Driver! Aaaaand …

 

Edwin: Wham! He's got him!!

 

*** Tod drives down MVS with that very move. He's a little slow on the follow up, but Tod eventually lays an arm on top of MVS for the attempted pin fall. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Thre- …

 

Axis: NO!! Two and a half!!

 

Edwin: Come on, ref!!

 

*** MVS tries to shake a lot of cob webs loose, because after all he DID kick out from one of Tod's main moves. Tod is quickly back on offense however, as he lifts up MVS in the fireman's carry position, no doubt going for his trademark death valley driver. ***

 

Edwin: Hey look, Mike's just picked up that bent up trash can lid …

 

*** MVS counters the DVD attempt by nailing Tod in the gut with his weapon, and then Irish whipping him hard into a corner. MVS grabs the shopping cart like a lawn mower and tries to run over Tod and squash him like a bug in the corner. MVS charges, but Tod is one step ahead as he boosts himself up to the second turnbuckle, soars off and above the shopping cart and connecting with a crossbody on MVS. Instead of covering, Tod mounts him for some rapid fire right hands to the side of the head. He rolls off, screams out at the cheering crowd some more and places the table perpendicular to a corner. He picks up a chair and then he orders at his opponent  in german to get up to his feet. MVS slowly staggers to his feet, not even sure of where he is anymore … Tod rears back with his weapon, as MVS goes bye bye and walks right into … ***

 

"THWWWAACK!!!"

 

*** MVS falls like a sack of bricks. Tod drops his chair and moves the shopping cart so that it's out of the way. He picks up the lifeless MVS and lays him on top of the table. He walks over to the apron and climbs up to the top rope. He yanks the elastic band away from his ponytail, shakes his hair loose, and then dives off, executing a move quite painful for his opponent … ***

 

Axis: Swanton bomb on Mike Van Siclen THROUGH THE TABLE!!

 

*** Tod picks out a few wooden table shards from his shoulder, pushed away the table remains and hooks the leg. ***

 

*One!*

 

*Two!*

 

*Three!!*

 

*** Bell rings, as Tod's victorious theme fires up. ***

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this contest: Tod - deeeeeeeee - Kinnnn - deeeeeeessssss !!

 

*** Tod, having gone through a hellish first ever hardcore match, holds the back of his head with his left arm while Matt Kivell raises his right one in victory. While Kivell then checks on MVS, Tod strikes one last victory pose on the turnbuckles, sending out a mighty roar to the fans whom respond in unison. ***

 

Axis: Another big win for Tod deKindes on the returning Wrath!

 

Edwin: The hot streak continues!!

 

*** As the german one retreats to his lone and dark dressing room, Matt Kivell helps MVS to his feet and informs him of his unfortunate loss … ***

 

Axis: We got some European title action coming up, so stay with us!!

 

…

[Guest Tod deKindes]

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