HD: Krista skit

[Patty O'Green 0]

[b]Sunday Novemeber 25th
The home of Krista Isadora Duncan
Los Angeles, CA[/b]

We're brought into the mansion of Krista Isadora Duncan, beautifully decorated with chic entertainment memrobilla, ridiculously expensive sculpture, and Jade and D*LUX...huh? Yes, that's right Jade Rodez and the D*LUX boys have woven themselves into the high society digs of Chateau Krista. But they aren't some sort of slave labor assigned to function as human statues for the entertainment of those richer then them. Actually, they're currently dusting and tidying up her dining room, and trying incredibly hard not to break anything that costs over two thousand dollars. Exhausted from all the cleaning, Jade takes a break from polishing the chandelier

JADE
Alright, I have to get Maya from ballet, but you can handle it here right? I'm really glad we're doing this cleaning, guys. This house is so big we could be collecting social security by the time we're done with the first floor but, I think that Krista...I think that she could use this. I have to admit this was a great idea you two.

SHAYNE (from underneath the center table)
You should let us think for ourselves more often.

JADE
You thought to clean a house, you didn't discover life on Mars, let's not go overboard.

Tyler steps down from the step stool he's been using to clean a china cabniet.

TYLER
I think after we're done in here, me and Shayne are gonna go mop the kitchen area, probably dust off the exercise equipment in the gym, then vacuum the home theater, and then..uh...get into the bedroom for an underwearinspection.

JADE
What? Can you two be more subtle with your perversions?

SHAYNE
I don't think so.

TERRY TAYLOR (off screen)
Uh, Krista! Uh, Krista!

Face soured by a “Oh, what now expression”, Jade departs the dining room in a huff. Venturing through eclectic décor of the hallway area, she enters one of the mansion's many unused rooms to attend to Terry's mysterious fright. The room looks fairly nondescript, being minus the many chic adornments that give character to the rest of the dwelling. Its wood floors are neatly polished and unblemished, perhaps due its utter lack of traffic.

JADE
Krista's on the phone, Terry. What's wrong?

Face as pale as a ghost, Terry can barely get any words out his mouth as his trembling hand leads Jade's gaze up to a most distressing sight. Proudly protruding from the center wall is what can most accurately be described as a shrine to Alix Maria Spezia. Shrouding a mammoth bulletin board and highlighted by several soft spot lights are literally hundreds of pictures of Alix, some candid shots, some taken from various red carpets, others are pin-up pictures, and even more are images of her and Krista in happier times. Perhaps more unusual is the life size cardboard standup of Alix, outfitted in a Santa's little helper uniform and holding a box of Miss Spezia's Sweeties candy canes.

JADE
Oh wow!

TAYLOR
This..this..this shrine. What should I do with this shrine?

Rather then say “burn it quickly”, Jade decides to call for her friend and mentor.

JADE
Krista! Krista, we have a problem!

KRISTA (O.S.)
Damn it, Terry, just because you lie in there naked doesn't make it a spa! Its my garage!

JADE
Krista, please come quick!

KRISTA (O.S.)
There better be a fire, and several very hot firewomen. 

Hair pulled into a ponytail and outfitted in black workout pants and a white Blondie t-shirt, Krista strolls into the room. She instantly notices the worried gazes Terry and Jade pass towards her shrine, and awkwardly tries to gloss over the embarrassment.

KRISTA
Paging change of subject, paging change of subject. Please answer on the white courtesy phone.

JADE
Krista, this is a shrine. An obsessive, borderline psychotic, possible evidence in a murder trial, shrine!

KRISTA
That's no big deal, really. Its nothing.

JADE
Terry, throw it away.

KRISTA
Huh? No!

Krista dives for the lifesize cutout, seemingly willing to protect it until her last drop of blood has been spilt. Not so willing to spill blood, but willing to at least battle over the unhealthy creation, Jade engages in a tug of war battle with Krista. Despite the fact that she's a four time tag team champion, Krista can't quite pry her treasure away from Jade, who so desperately wants to bid the object fairwell.

KRISTA
Wait, wait, wait! Just let me keep this! Please! I worked really hard to get it, I had to break into a Rite-Aid in the middle of the night, and one of the school children I ran over on the escape is still in stable but critical condition. (Krista calms her voice into a low sorrowful tone) You can torch the shrine, sell it to TMZ, use it to up my date in the celeb death pool, whatever. Just let me keep this, okay? 

Though she'd prefer any remnants of Alix leave the house, Jade gives into Krista's compromise.

JADE
Fine. Okay. Terry, get a box and take all that down.

Terry grabs the nearest box he can see.

KRISTA
Wait, not that box!

Terry accidentally removes a “marital aid” from the crate, which Krista angrily snatches from him.

JADE (sighing and putting her arms on Krista's shoulders)
You're in a bit of a pickle, and we've got to get you back to a place called home.

KRISTA
I'm holding a six inch anal plug named Kong the ANALhilator. I'm about a four day drive and a boat ride away from a place called home.

JADE
I know it hurts, Krista, but we've got to start the process of getting over Alix. Okay?

Already aware of that painful truth, Krista frowns and nods slowly.

TERRY
I have an idea! Maybe, you should take a vacation!

KRISTA
Hey,who told you you could make eye contact?

TERRY (lowering his head to avoid Krista's gaze)
I have an idea! Maybe you should take a vacation!

Not able to be away from Krista for more then three minutes, D*LUX burst into the room to offer their “helpful” suggestions.

SHAYNE
Why don't you go to the Virgin Islands?

KRISTA
That's a great idea!

JADE
Its not an island full of virgins.

KRISTA
That's a shitty idea!

TYLER
Why not some place exotic? Like the historic deserts of Egypt!

KRISTA
No thanks. If I'm gonna get more sand up my ass then the entire country of Libya, I'd rather it be because I'm naked on the beach making love with Kate Beckinsale. 

JADE
We're trying to get her to heal emotionally, we're not trying kick her off the continent. Isn't there an underwear inspection you need to be conducting?

KRISTA
Huh?! 

JADE
Back to what we're talking about, you have a certain...I don't know what to call it. Just to say you can attract girls, I guess that's an oversimplification on what it really is. You've got a certain rare quality, maybe its an aura, just the way you carry yourself wows people. If you opened your door you'd probably have a line of women stretching all the way to China waiting for you.

TYLER (very loudly, as though he were expecting someone)
Who could that be?

TERRY
Who could who be?

DING DING DONG!

KRISTA (looking outside the room towards the front door)
Oh goodie what OAOAST midcarder  who's half my age could be at the door to offer me unsolicited romantic advice? Cuban Wall? Vinny Santana? Or maybe its James Blonde! Wouldn't that be vomit worthy?

Grumbling to herself, Krista leaves the room and heads towards the door. Against her desires to scream “Get lost!” she opens the white painted door and finds a delivery woman in brown shorts and brown shirt with a bouquet of flowers standing in front of her. The flower bearing girl is beyond gorgeous, with flawless tanned skin, vibrant blue eyes, soft Scandinavian facial features, perfectly glossed red lips, and short closely cropped blonde hair that hangs a strand across her forehead and reaches no farther then past her upper neck.

WOMAN (taken aback by Krista's beauty)
You're Krista Isadora Duncan?

KRISTA
Its taken seventeen years of psychotherapy to figure it out. But, yes, yes I am.

WOMAN (handing Krista a clipboard.)
Congrats on your sound bill of mental health! I need you to sign this.

KRISTA (signing the clipboard)
Who are these flowers from?

WOMAN (staring with distinct attraction at Krista)
Maybe you have a secret admirer?

KRISTA
Note to self: add can of mace and tranquilizer darts to grocery list.

WOMAN (leaning closer to Krista, to the point where she can bathe in her sweet cherry scented perfume)
Is that good for you?

KRISTA
Well, I'd prefer flame throwers but they don't make any models that match my eye shadow...oh, you meant the signature? Yeah, uh, its good....

Eager to spend a higher quality of time with the celeb superstar, the woman hastily scrambles for conversation.

WOMAN
Don't you want to put them in water?

With a sweet smile, Krista nods enthusiastically. Beating the thick roses against her leg, she peers through the hallway, certain that there are no vases within reach. The delivery woman trails softly behind her, unable and unwilling to pull her eyes away from Krista's traffic stopping body. Krista is one hundred percent sure that there are no vases laying in the hallway, and turns to inform the delivery girl of that fact. She catches the woman undressing her with her eyes, and can't help but blush in the face of admiration.

KRISTA
I don't really think we have a vase. My friends are over trying to help clean this place so I hid anything that's worth enough to fund a small Nigerian militia.

WOMAN (looking upstairs, but thinking of the bedroom)
Maybe, there's something upstairs? Guest room? Office? I'm sure you must have flowers in your bedroom, you can just add these right in!

There's a hint of hesitation on Krista's part when she's forced to follow the woman's yearning eyes up the stairs. But within seconds it looks to dissipate, and with a small smile Krista nods her agreement, and motions the woman upstairs.

The scene returns to the “shrine room”, where Jade's vile stare is yanking beads of sweat off the bodies of Shayne and Tyler.

JADE
What did YOU TWO do?

TYLER
You said she needed to start getting over Alix. We just helped speed process along, that's it!

JADE
I just said that two minutes ago, you must've ordered the hooker two days ago.

SHAYNE
We didn't order a hooker! We ordered flowers from Fat Floyd's Floristry and Flapjacks. We couldn't have known they'd be delivered by Freaking Horny Francesca.

TAYLOR
She must have some kind of superpower. I've never seen a girl have that kind of effect on other girls. If I had her kind of power, I'd be getting it on at least once a decade! 

JADE (ignoring Terry)
Alright, well, I think now is a good time for a lunch break.

SHAYNE
Its ten in the morning.

JADE
I said time for a lunch break. Besides, I still have to get Maya from ballet.

Not quite able to combat the finality of Jade's voice, D*LUX and Terry are forced out of the room, and eventually right out the front door.