OAOAST Syndicated 2/17-2/18

[Patty O'Green 0]

 

Brought to you by American Express

Taped: February 14th, 2007

First air date: February 17h, 2008 (check local listings for airings in your area)

Announce team: Tony Schiavone and Jesse "The Body" Ventura

Lead correspondent: Tony Brannigan

 

Welcoming us insomniacs and drug bingers was as always Jesse Ventura and Tony Schiavone. They ran down our card which featured Mad Cappa taking on Vinny Valentine, CPA against Brock Ausstin, Faqu Vs Jamie O'Hara, and appearances from Los Conquestiadors and ThunderKid.

 

*** The Disco Duck Vinny Valentine Vs Mad Cappa***

Unable to take part in his scheduled rematch against Mad Cappa, a somber Vinny Valentine was pushed out on a wheelchair by his cousin Tony Tourettes. Through painful tears and cracking voice, Valentine lamented his injury at the hands of Mad Cappa two weeks ago on this very show. He tugged on our heartstrings when he informed us of the depressing news that he was unable to make the weekly disco and prostate cancer awareness night at the Y due to his injuries, and that when “We Are Family” came on at the local FYE, all he could do is sorrowfully nod his head to the beat. Perhaps worst of all, he assured us he could in no way compete on Syndicated. But not to worry my ever shrinking viewership! Vinny found a suitable replacement, none other then his old mentor, friend, and possible lover, Belarus' emperor of disco, VINCIK VALENTINISHKOV!

 

Vincik Valentinishkov was what Cousin It from the Adam's Family hat might look like if he was dipped in Little Richard's relaxer, skull fucked by Gloria Gaynor, styled to look like Cher's gown from the 86 oscars, and then kicked off the set of Thriller. Somehow the outrageous appearance of his foe didn't spur Cappa to ask for his immediate release, and he went into battle with the Belorussian with earnest fervor. Valentinishkov wasn't much of an opponent for Cappa, being brutalized from the onset by Cappa's intense technical based assault. Valentinishkov was able to stage a very minor comeback through the use of an eye rake. His attempts to put Cappa down with backslides and other sneaky pin efforts were hardly a success, though, and Cappa ended his offense with a Cappa Bomb. Valentinishkov suffered through several more high level throws such as The Fall From Grace and a reverse DDT, before he was finally put away by the BUST A CAP.

 

Winner: The Mad Cappa, via pinfall

 

After the match, Vinny Valentine, ignoring his injuries, dived into the ring with his folded up wheelchair in tow. His obvious plan was to bash Cappa's skull in, but the DC native was well prepared for Vinny's approach and floored him with a Spinebuster! The Disco Duck's punishment for his crimes continued when Cappa Cappabombed him onto the wheelchair. As Vinny was carried to the back by the ever responsive Rescue 911, he softly and sadly sung “I Will Survive”

 

During commercial viewers saw a preview for the upcoming Look of Love airing on VH1. Feeling that the current crop of competitors aren't worthy of her daughter's love (and they aren't even Jewish!), Krista's mother, Genevieve, adds five new girls into the house. And you can bet they've had their Batmitzvahs, damn it! "No more horrible Shishkas for my little carpet muncher, they're making me chaloshes, darling!" She proclaims. Needless to say, what's left of the original group is outraged beyond all belief. The suddenly warring old school and new school get a chance to exercise their aggressions in a rather violent manner, as Krista pits them against each other in a game of hockey netminded by former LA Kings' goalies Kelly Hurdey and Felix Potvin. And Tony Tourettes, somehow still not eliminated, gets heartbreaking news about his candidacy for archbishop.

 

***ThunderKid Vs Spencer Reiger***

Spencer Reiger was obviously no match for ThunderKid, but that didn't dissuade him from requesting all sorts of concessions from referee and foe alike. He demanded that Kid be throughly pat down for illegal weaponry, and then supplied his own cup for on site drug testing. Needless to say Spencer's big mouth talked him into a terrible ass whupping as the Green Bay native viciously and violently mauled the Orlando born youngster. Reiger had absolutely no answer for the barrage of suplexs he was hit with and fell victim to the Scorpion deathdrop!

 

Winner: ThunderKid via pinfall

 

A brief hype video for Anglemania was displayed, listing the two currently announced matches of Zack Malibu against Bohemoth, and PRL versus Popick for the World Title. Viewers were encouraged to log onto OAOAST.com to find out how they can win tickets for Anglemania Seven in Los Angeles!

 

***FAQU W/Nate Black, and Megan Skye Vs Jamie O'Hara***

Pre-match efforts by 90 year old referee Clem Buzzlefoxer to direct the non-wrestling contingent of LI back to locker room were met with horrific failure; Faqu blazed past the distracted official and mowed down O'Hara with a thrust kick. Taken by surprise, and off his feet by the high impact strike, O'Hara was at an immediate disadvantage. For several minutes he was pummeled without mercy from the maniacal savage, who utilized a variety of headbutts, and open handed attacks. Seeking to put O'Hara out of this contest, and possibly the OAOAST entirely, Faqu cruelly tried to Samoan drop him out the ring. However, the Englander evaded certain disaster by landing on the apron. A springboard inverted hurricana bought him some time on the attack, and he gave Faqu everything he had. Matching his trademark high flying moves against Faqu's displays of power, O'Hara nearly gained a pinfall victory on several occasions.

 

However, O'Hara's success was eternally snuffed out when he retreated to the corner to climb up the turnbuckles for a block buster. There his archival Black struck, clutching onto O'Hara's Nike Trainer's and refusing to let go. While J-Oh struggled to win his freedom, Faqu sprung to sudden life. With a roar that could level a city block, he charged the rail thin youth and flattened him into dust with a body splash. As Black laughed deliriously, Faqu replayed the same maneuver. A third splash sent blood spilling from O'Hara's nose, and sagged his lifeless figure to the mat. Though that would've been enough to keep O'Hara down for three days, nevermind three seconds, Faqu couldn't resist one last bit of violence and finished O'Hara off with the Death By Samoan double underhook piledriver.

 

Winner: Faqu via pinfall.

 

After the match a throughly satisfied Black entered the ring simply to spit on his KO'ed archenemy.

 

Backstage, viewers saw Leon Rodez making good use of his A+ in second grade by designing a glitter and dry macaroni decorated Get Well Card for Melody Nerdly. This captured the attention of the nearby Vitamin X, who snidely noted that if Leon was pouring this much effort into a get well card for Melody he must've gotten a great gift for Maggie for Valentine's Day. Leon's horrified response, “OH LAWDS ME HAS FORGET TEH VALENTINE'S DAY11~!!”. When the eternal shit disturber Molly Nerdly strolled onto the scene to question why Leon wasn't around to care for Maggie after she was diamond cuttered by Alix on HD, the usually chatty superstar was strangely mute. 'Cause you know it's over, Before it began, Keep your drink just give me the money It's just you and your hand tonight.

 

***Christopher Patrick Allen Vs Brock Ausstin***

The battle between muscled swine began with the two men gladly trying their hands at carving up each other's faces with furious strikes. The makeshift boxing match came to a close before any blood could be drawn when Brock suddenly lifted Allen up and drove him clear across the ring into the corner post. Though delivered with Herculean force, the move didn't do much to hamper CPA, and he captured Brock by surprise with a snap powerslam. Unyielding in his assault, Allen picked Brock apart with several strikes to the back, all designed to set-up a front spine buster. But, when it came time to execute the telegraphed hold, Brock was up to the challenge of defeating it, matching CPA's efforts with a spine buster of his own.

 

Then it was Brock's opportunity to punish his rival, and punish him he did with lariats, shoulder blocks and belly to belly suplexs galore. However, The Current Big Thing could not maintain his offense for very long, and CPA stymied a F-Stunner-5 attempt simply by punching his way to freedom. Dazed by the ex-boxer's strikes, Ausstin was an easy target CPA's finisher The Dominator. The earth shaking assault spelled doom for Brock and victory for Allen.

 

Winner: CPA via pinfall

 

As the show went to commercial, Allen arrogantly puffed on a victory cigar and celebrated by mocking Brock's happy hoss dance.

 

Another hype video for Anglemania was showcased, this one featuring Alfdogg who talked up the importance and honor that goes with maineventing an Anglemania. For ten seconds. The other fifty seconds of the video were singularly devoted to Alf's bitter ramblings on the fact that CWM has never mainevented an Anglemania, whereas not only has Alf mainevented the biggest show of the year, he has also done it in front of none other then Mister Donald Trump. BOOYAH!

 

Backstage Los Conquistadors contemplate the very, very, very unlikely possibility that one of them may be Krista Isadora Duncan's child, and thus may escape a lifetime of humiliating servitude to the OAOAST. Ha! Unfortunately their thoughts and ponderings stirred the ire of gods both near and malevolent. Thick billows of red and black smoke engulfed the now darkened hallway, and Prince's Black Sweat emerged from dimensions beyond the great void. Like warnings from a vengeful god, MISTER WARRIOR'S voice thundered across the area. The angry WARRIOR reminded the cowering jobbers that he is the “creator of lifeblood for all unworthy abnormals, the mother's demon womb and father's Jesus sperm, who will power the mothership with the souls of disloyal abnormals, and fill its passenger list with his chosen warrior spawn.” “So does that make Uno and Dos Warrior's grandkids, and Krista his daughter?.” Jesse scoffs, while Tony hides underneath the desk.

 

***MISTER WARRIOR Vs Los Conquistadors***

Kick. Punch. Man Event Spinebuster.

Winner: MISTER WARRIOR, via being god.

After the match, Mister Warrior rushed to the top of the entrance stage, and with the climbing skills of highly dexterous chimp scaled to the ceiling of the entrance set. Surrounded by a chaotic swirl of red smoke and flashing pink lights, he brought the audience to their feet and to the highest throes of excitement with a cry of "Speak to me, SUUUUUUUUUUUPERMAAAAAAANIACS!!!!”, and disappeared behind his smoky cloak. As the closing credits rolled, viewers were left to wonder if that really happened or was it all a bad acid trip.

Edited February 19, 2008 by Patty O'Green