OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 3/6/08

[Patty O'Green 0]

THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

 

PRESENTED IN HD

 

The fabulous sound of Ultimate Victory guides us through the flashy opening credits that are given an Anglemania theme with various highlights from shows past. Once that's finished we're taken to the logo.

 

 

We're taken into an arena which is also madeover with an Anglemania theme, giant Anglemania posters hang over the different sections of the arena, next to them are smaller posters which are portraits of the OAOAST superstars. All 100 of em. Stationed in front of the ring, wearing the official Anglemania football jersey is our announce team Double C!

 

COLE

Ladies and gentlemen, it is OAOAST HeldDOWN and it is in Columbus, Ohio, and we are only weeks away from being in Los Angeles for OAOAST Anglemania!

 

COACH

Say word!

 

COLE

Leap Year Spectacular was an amazing show, it opened with Moneymaker revealing to the world that Jade is Krista's daughter, and it finished with Anderson Cup champions Team Heyross, and in between all that we had new six man champions and tag team champions crowned! And the fallout heading into Anglemania tonight promises to be enormous. In our mainevent, Maggie Nerdly will team with world title contender PRL against championship couple Lindsay Gonzales-Popick and Stephen Joseph Popick. Big match for all involved parties, especially PRL and Maggie!

 

You make me so hot

Make me wanna drop

You're so ridiculous

I can barely stop

I can hardly breathe

You make me wanna scream

You're so fabulous

You're so good to me, baby, baby

You're so good to me, baby, baby

 

(i solemnly promise that will be the last change to krista's song!)

 

The cheers for Krista Isadora Duncan are louder then a sonic boom; every member of the audience not confined to a wheelchair or overdosed on heroin leaps to their feet to welcome the Angle Award winning lady. Yellow, red, and white lights flicker around the entrance way providing a frantic, frenzied frame to the fans beloved jewel. Krista's actual arrival onto the scene spurs the audience to raise their decibel levels to the point where they nearly wash away her entrance music. She wears a long sleeve brown top with revealed shoulders, brass studs on the left chest, and a heavily stitched crossbones skull on the majority of the right side designed to look like an inverted photo. Her jeans take on a similar macabre pattern featuring an embroidery of dead roses running down the right leg.

 

COLE

Krista looking good, but maybe not feeling good in her return back to the OAOAST shores.

 

COACH

Why wouldn't she be feeling good? She got a huge win in the SWF over some jobber! Break out the champagne everybody, Krista has come back to us!

 

COLE

I think we both know why she'd be in a bad mood. Something to do with Leap Year Spectacular. And we also learned there that she and Alix will meet in their hometown of Los Angeles at Anglemania. First time ever! Should be huge!

 

Krista leaps over the ring ropes, and into the squared circle where a ringside attendant has a microphone waiting for Miss California.

 

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

 

KRISTA

Those of you who know me well, and judging by the fact that I hand out restraining orders more often then Denise Richards' kids hand out playground notes that read “SWEET JESUS, SAVE US FROM THIS MONSTER!”, that's a lot of you, know that the whole in ring promo deal isn't excatly my bag, baby. But apparently outdated Austin Powers impressions are! Okay, so, I'm not too hot on getting on a microphone and rambling about random nonsense that nobody gives a crap about. I'm Krista Isadora Duncan, not Keith Olberman. Plus, I figure that's what I'm paying my therapist three hundred dollars an hour for. Although, her answer to everyone of my problems seems to be, “Oooh, yeah, right there Yes! Yes! God yes!”. Perhaps its time to stop having sex with my therapist. Curiously, the girls on the phone sex lines are whizzes at handling my issues of codependency. But, as always, I digress. I figure if you wanted to listen to the prattlings of a jaded, possibly insane drunk, you can always rouse a homeless man from his Maytag box. And while you're near a street corner, do be sure to ask Misses Moneymaker if she's still doing that friends hump free program. That was a real winner over the Kwanza season!

 

COLE

Grandpa Jim sure loved it!

 

KRISTA

Again, digression, thy name is Krista Isadora Duncan. The point is, the OAOAST didn't drag three thousand of you out the finest crackhouses in the greater Columbus area with promises of a coupon for a free whopper if you'd sit in this sparsely populated arena for three hours to listen to something nobody cares about. Amirite, my partners in crack pipes? But this isn't The Rockers title win I've got to speak on! This is something people care about! People besides that fine fellow in the front row sporting the “BIG JOHNSON” Confederate flag t-shirt and Hooters truck cap that proudly keeps date rape alive as he cradles his drugged out seventeen year old girlfriend in his arms.

 

This proud member of the audience mugs for the camera, as George W. Bush sits in the white house wondering why has america failed its children.

 

KRISTA

The Columbus public school system at work! Like I said, this thing I have to talk about is something people care about. Why? Because its a human life. Its a human life that Theodore Moneymaker in all his sick perverse scheming though he could crush underfoot.

MONEYMAKER SUCKS! MONEYMAKER SUCKS!

 

KRISTA

Yes, well, like father like son, I'm sure. But our erstwhile dean of fellatio, a slight step above the dean of UCLA according to my Harvard educated dad, honestly believed in his heart of hearts that he was going to destroy my life. His strategy was so blissfully simple it only had one basic premise, tell the world that Jade is my daughter. Theodore, I ask, because I ask, cause i'm not sure do anybody make real shit anymore? Quotes from the Hip-Hop wing of the museum of closted celebs aside, I further ask, if the whole “Krista's diet pills giving Twainesse females ovarian cancer and in some cases testicles” didn't destroy me, because if they ain't white who gives a crap what they get as long as they make t-shirts at two cents per hour, then what makes you think that you could? No, Theo, you didn't destroy me. What you did, besides trounce all over an innocent girl's sense of self, was force to me do a lil self examination. Normally, I save that sort of thing for after I had a glass of Merlot, the girthquake super dong is calling my name, and there's an episode of Xena on. She can warrior my..uh...she's hot, she has an accent, and she has big breasts, what more do you need to know?

 

COLE

I prefer Kevin Sorbo of Hercules fame.

 

KRISTA

I like to think I'm a pretty smart girl. The various child molesters, petty thieves, and registered sex offenders on the OAOAST roster as part of their work release think I'm smart. You the denizens of Ohio think I'm smart. Although, I suspect your confusing smart with “Holy crap, she's got huge tits!” I also definitely, definitely, don't think I'm naieve. Pour example en Anglais, I knew Doogie Houser was gay the second I tried to talk to him about golf at the Emmys a couple years back, and he started rambling about Cate Blanchets wardrobe during the golf scene of Aviator. But, maybe I'm not nearly as smart as I think I am. Because what I did when I was a teenager, and what caused this whole miserable mess years later, was terrible. Terrible, and stupid. I guess I wanted to rebel. All teenagers do, and if you're in the Nerdly family, you can gather enough of you to recreate the storming of the Bastille. Basically, I wanted to fight back, do something that established the fact that I had my own identity, that I wasn't a toy for my mother, Genevieve. Love ya mom, don't write me out the will! I didn't want to be her baby girl anymore, doing what's best for her. I wasn't going to be her puppet, moving when she pulled the strings, speaking when she fed me the words. And Dario was my teenage rebellion.

 

Some of the younger members of the audience look on confused, so Krista is forced to explain things.

 

KRISTA

See, we didn't have myspace back in the time of the revolutionary war so I couldn't just create an easily hackable private page with a bunch of nudes and softcore lez pics. God damn it, you young lesbians have no idea how good you have it. So, my teenage rebellion naturally caught me. Grabbed me by the ankles, dragged me to the ground, leaped on top of me, and rode me until I was gasping air. Just like Rosie O'Donell! Yeah, I got pregnant. There I was a teenager, a baby in the world's eyes, and there was this life growing inside me. Wow. I've always tried to do things my way, and make my choices, but with that, its like I had no way, and the choices, what were they? I was paralyzed by fear and confusion for so long. One day I'm worrying about kicking Kimberly Goldstien's ass for booking Fleetwood Mac for her batmitzvah when she knew I was going to do it, the next day, I'm worrying about how many years I'll have to disown my kid if I ever catch her voting republican. Or worse yet libertarian. Good lord, you might as well vote for Mister Ed and Wilbur! Could I have turned to Dario? He was only eighteen or nineteen. 100% true example Maggie Nerdly is eighteen. I just got done reading her the quintessiental American novella, Everybody Poops. But, Dario was young, way too young. And he died too young.

 

COLE

We just found out last week about the existence of an older Rodez brother.

 

KRISTA

A motorcycle accident, on that infamous Dead Man's Curve in Bel Air, took his life. Right on the night I went into labor with Jade. It was a surreal, mystifying moment. I'll never forget the sounds that night, of her endless crying, those painful screams from my throat, the doctor and nurses voices just cascading into an indecipherable buzz. And then it all went mute. With Jade in my arms, nothing really mattered. Suddenly the world seemed like such a perfect place, like it moved with this silent grace. I never knew I could feel like that, I never felt like that again until Maya was born. Jade gave me purpose, I could hear my heart sing telling me to give her everything. But, I couldn't give her anything, because I couldn't keep her. Not with the parents I had. I mean, my dad was just glad I didn't fuck up Yom Kippur like his brother did when he brought home a Palestinian drag queen he met at the Scientology mixer. But, my mom? Yeah, not having the “On this very special edition of as the Hebrew Pains” vibe going on. And her Jewish guilt at the time was record setting! I'm tellin ya she could've had Hitler serving the manishevitz to Ariel Sharon. I wasn't in much of a position to argue as you can imagine, I had no where to go. The prospects of a burnout tenement house in South Central and the Maytag box I beat down a hobo for, I think she used to be on Different Strokes, are not the dream commissions, real estate agents hound I assure you. So, I had to let my baby go.

 

Krista pauses for a moment to collect her thoughts.

 

KRISTA

And its not even giving up a piece you, its giving up you. I couldn't let her into the home of strangers, though, where my every day could he tormented with thoughts about her health. She had to be in the care of someone who would endanger all of themselves to protect her. Dario never spoke highly of much, especially Grand Rapids, its a hard place, frozen solid, low energy, and not much intelligence. That's a lethal combination that could wear on anyone, except his parents. They'd lost a son so tragically and quickly, I don't even know how they managed to keep living. So, I did the only thing that possibly made sense at the time, I told my parents the only place for Jade was Grand Rapids. And they took her, because the world may have stolen their son, but I gave them back his daughter.

 

KRISTA

And now Theodore Moneymaker, a man who's chronic case of inflamed crotch rot is such a disaster that he gets his prescription from FEMA, has taken a wrecking ball to my carefully crafted lie. So now Jade's life will be crumbling to the ground for years and years and years. Jade is such a sweet, wonderful, kind hearted soul, much like her mother, and now her life is hatred, and doubt. Everywhere. And every step she takes, she is probably assailed by confusion. And, Maya, her little sister, my little girl, she could barely speak when she heard the news. She's a genius, but even she can't grip the knowledge that her pen pal is her big sister. And that's my fault, and I accept that burden, and I will make things right. Because, in my arms Maya can find relief. And Jade, you can to. All you have to do is forgive me. It won't be easy, it doesn't count if its easy. But, that's forgiveness for you. And maybe that's where peace and love finally meet. Isn't that what the Kaddish asks for. Well, its in Hebrew it could be anything, it could be telling us that Sadam hid his WMD's inside Mrs Moneymaker's herpes scabs. Ah, and Landon Maddix, how might I forget you, kind sir, good pilgrim, gentle spirit. It was your bit of masterminding to book me on an SWF show that allowed dear Theodore to make his announcement without fear of having his testicles removed and used for skeetball down at the bar.

 

“LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS!”

 

KRISTA

Well done, old boy! Well done. And you know what, buddy? You know those lovely blue eyes you were using to stare down my shirt at the SWF show? Yeah, well, I'm gonna do my boobs a favor, and the next time I see you I'm gonna have you looking like Johnny Depp towards the end of Once Upon A Time In Mexico. Comprende, mamacita?

 

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

 

COLE

Its gonna be hard for Landon Maddix to run a company when he has no eyes!

 

KRISTA

And Moneymaker...well, I've always wanted a wall mounted human head. It'd be the perfect center piece to compliment the balls of the entire tag team division. You oughta know by now that I'm not the kind of girl you come for, I'm the kind of woman you run from, because the next time our paths cross I will show you more blind rage then Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder in a steel cage. If Money talks, and bullshit walks, it better wise up and tell you to walk your bullshit the hell outta here.

 

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

 

I was lost

And I'm still lost

But I feel

So much better

 

Cause now I know

It's not so far

To were I go

The hardest part is inside me

I need to

 

Just be

To just be

To just be

To just be

"YEAAAA"

boooooooo

 

COLE

That's not Jade, Moneymaker or Landon, that's Alix the covergirl for the April issue of Rolling Stone!

 

And back to their feet the sold out audience (don't listen to Krista's lies!!!!) comes with a mammoth reaction. Unlike Krista's reception this one is not decidedly positive, as there is an outcropping of boos sprouting from the landscape of boisterous cheers. As blue spotlights bath the elaborate entrance set in a magnificent fantasy like glow, a sunglasses shielded Alix Maria Speiza appears from the entrance doors. Her fantastic body is shown off by a flowing white gown with ruffled shoulders, held open to reveal matching teeny tiny white denim shorts, held up a by diamond encrusted skull patterned belt. The Rolling Stone covergirl and pop diva strikes a defiant pose, sliding her left leg out to the side, and tossing her head back while the lights play beautifully on her tan skin.

 

COLE

Krista, certainly couldn't have expected this!

 

Judging by the reaction Krista gives Alix's procession down the ramp, that much is obvious. Alix enters the ring with slow, stunning grace, letting the audience feast on her smooth legs. As the lights come back up, Alix takes a microphone. But, Alix is unable to speak due to the still massive noise pouring from every inch of the arena.

 

“KRISTA!”

“ALIX!”

“KRISTA!”

“ALIX!”

 

Realizing that this war could go on all night, Alix decides to speak on her own.

 

ALIX

Its sooooooo sooooooo blue berry sweet to hear a parent say such totally awesome things about her kid. I'm so jealous right now, swear to god. My dad has never said anything nice to me! Last Christmas I visited my daddy in San Quentin and he he turned away from his gangbang on one of the Aryan Nation only to say my highlights made me look like John Leguizomo in Too Wong Foo..

 

KRISTA

Don't forget how when you were five years old, he shaved your head, super glued hair onto your chest, Frosted your flakes with testosterone and started calling you Mitch.

 

ALIX

Oh yeah! Hey, how come when I told your therapist she was all like “make sure you bring whipped cream, a tripod mounted camera, and mister good vibrations to the next session.” But then 1-900-senior-sluts got me over that crazy hump and tore through my lingering issues of separation from my mother? Gah, you're yanking me off the point!

 

KRISTA

Honey, I didn't know you were smart enough to even have one! I guess poor Maggie lost her her “Everybody Poops” reading buddy. Coach, you're down with some pre-k fecalphillia ain't you?

 

ALIX

Anger is the numero uno enemy of the hair follicle and I will not lose my hair for you! You never, ever, ever, take me seriously!

 

KRISTA

Oh, honey, how can I when you dipped Oscar the crouch in a bowl of New Englander clam chowder and are now wearing him on your shoulders.

 

ALIX

And I thought shooting those pornos for Tommy Lee was a super tough gig. You're, like, really impossible to talk to! Just like always!

 

KRISTA

Honey, I know, exactly your lookin for, say no more, my pretty angel. Time to pull out the big guns (Krista grabs her boobs) BANG BANG! Huh? Huh?

 

Trying to ignore her ex's flaunting of her body Alix drops to her knees and gazes toward the sky.

 

ALIX

Santa its me Ally, I'm sorry about the time in second grade where i told Ellen Watson you didn't exist, I only did that because I wanted to hug her and have an excuse to grab her sweet, sweet, tush. Now I really need your help, dude. If you're feeling like stupid generous I would like some hair extensions, a zebra print thong, and the ability to see through Jodie Foster's walls while she's wearing previously mentioned zebra print thong. P.S. I'd also like an apology from Krista for telling everyone but Al Jazerra that I'm drugged up out of control!

 

Krista cuts any further pleading off with a raising of her hand.

 

KRISTA

Alix, don't you think you owe me an apology? I told you that Jade was my daughter in the deepest of trust, and that bond was wrecked by you. Jade was your friend, Alix, and you befriended her because you loved me and I asked you to. But because of you at Leap Year Spectacular she was standing around mouth gaping open like a fish, while almighty Moneymaker parted the sea of death to cross over to Jordan. And there he is on dry land laughing his stupid laugh while Jade drowns in the hell you helped created. And what do you gain out of it? Tell me? Nothing but a lifetime of guilt and anguish and a peck on the cheek from Moneymaker's ass kissing Barbie doll. Does that satisfy you? Are you pleased with yourself? Because if you are, then maybe you owe yourself an apology for sinking so very low.

 

ALIX

Folks, we're talking with the world's most annoying ex-teenage whore, we'll be back with more whorerific annoyances after this word from our sponsor! "The Planned Parenthood Abortion Clinic-Just because Krista was too stupid to get one doesn't mean you should be to". And we're back on Live With Alix Maria Spezia with the world's most annoying ex-teenage whore. And just when ya thought Drew Barrymore had the corner on the ex-teenage whore market, Krista sets the world on fire with her whorefific whoreiness! Krista, please share your secrets of whoredom with the world, and tell em why every question someone asks me has the words coke, crack, or weed in it. And just so ya know I don't work at Coca-Cola, a brick laying company or for a gardener!

 

KRISTA

Alix, I'm lazy. You should know this by now, sweetie. Unless involved is money, booze, more money, more booze, and perhaps a date with Lucy Lawless on a deserted island where clothes are absent but baby oil is plentiful, I don't like to work. And telling those flesh eating viruses in the media that you have a problem involves too much work and brings me no money. That's the most painful, boring, convoluted scheme since you got my tonsils out and sold them to Japanese tourist as aphrodisiacs. The sad truth is that your big idea that I'm telling these supposed lies about you, that's just a screwed up ploy by Moneymaker and the bearded lady to keep you under their control. Its another sinister device for them to maintain the staus quo. There's honestly only two places to turn for you, me or them. So, paranoid that they'll lose their goose that lays the golden egg, their only entry into the entertainment industry, they feed you an endless diet of lies. And you're happily licking up every last morsel of bullshit, because you're just pleased to feast on the dessert of having your own CD.

 

Alix frowns at Krista's theory.

 

KRISTA

Alix, I know, you're happy about your career potential going from left bottom square on the relaunch of Hollywood Squares, to center square understudy of Mama from Mama's Family, but, sweetie pie, use that brain cell of yours, and focus. Things aren't always as great as they seem. Remember when you wanted to rent Speed from Blockbuster? It was not at all what was advertised, right? You think you're going to see a feel good movie about amphetamines and suddenly you're one on a bus? This is like that, only your a markedly better actor then Keanu, and thanks to a generous donation to the plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills my breasts will never be mistaken for long haired datsun's like Sandra Bullock's. What, you sho-

 

ALIX

Look, I know, you don't think I'm all that intelligent and stuff, and slow wise I'm somewhere between Sean Penn in i am sam and Sean Penn at home with his family on a Monday, but, like, I would kinda know if I'm being tricked by my own girlfriend wouldn't I? Just admit you did it, okay. Admit you're a sucky person, alright? Tell me you wanted to hurt me like I hurt you, and this how you're doing it!

 

KRISTA

Alix, listen to me. I may not have mentioned anything about your alleged, don't wanna get sued for slander, but I still care about you, and I'm concerned for you. Everyone is. Most of them are concerned because its creepy to masturbate to a dead woman, but I'm legitimate worried, Alix. What you're doing to yourself is scaring me. You're straddling the line of reckless entertainment and reckless endangerment, and I don't think you can stop yourself from crossing it. I know you can't, and you have no one to stop you from it.

 

ALIX

Gah, its so annoying! It’s just hard when you have everyone in LA that you know, coming up to you, being like ‘Be careful, Alix’. I mean you know. You know what I’m talking about. And, then, there's like, you, like you're the dad on 7th Heaven or something. It’s like are you kidding me? Who do you think you are to do that crap at all? Oh my god, you're so much of a drunk, that the AB in your blood type stands for Anheuser Busch. Your blood alcohol level is so freaking high, that when they wanna do a blood transfusion they just drag you to phi betta kappa and throw you on a keg! Ugh, you know what, you know what? Seriously, I don’t care what you say. I don't want your care, I don't want your concern. I just don't want anything from you, ya know? I just want you out of my life for once! Please. Like, let me sleep at night. I have a CD coming out, I have a girlfriend, I have a condo, and like, I'm still stuck on you. Let me be at peace, let me live my life my own way just once!

 

KRISTA

You don't think about the consequences of anything! That's your problem! Nothing ever matters besides the pleasures and joys of stardom. You've never thought about the consequences, because whenever you've fallen from anything, there's always me there to catch you and set you back on your feet. I'm not there, anymore. Mackenzie and Moneymaker are and do you think they'll be there to catch you? Honestly, will they? No. You'll go splat, and you'll die. Or worse you'll just be a broken shell of the beautiful woman you once were. And will your girlfriend and your financial advisor care? I don't think so. They'll be too busy counting their cash to even turn back and look at the condition they left you in. And there won't be any Krista to scrape you off the ground when everyone else abandons you.

 

ALIX

Whatever, Krista. Yeah you're all cool and crap when we're, like, placed in front of thousands of dudes and hundreds of TV cameras. Yeah, then you're all like, “Alix you're a very sweet girl, you have have a big heart, and I love you and I don't you hurt.” And then, you know, when all that crap is over, when its over, you go and do the shit that you do. So, like, you can insult me from here until the end of time, I don't care, but quit trying to act like you actually give a crap about me. Ya know, stop it. That's what hurts the most, maybe.

 

KRISTA

I do so care about you! At least I gave a damn about you, unlike anyone else! I have had plenty of opportunities to trash, viciously violently, disgustingly trash you and your girlfriend and bring down your perfect made for BusinessWeek and LOGO documentary worlds. And once I found out you told Mackenzie about Jade, I should have! You who I have to forgive, when I should take pleasure in your misery. You who I should hope dies a more miserable death then I did when I first heard Moneymaker knew. You who should be dying in shit, because of what you did, yes I should have told the press all about you and your lifestyle. But because I care about you, and I honestly want you to find happiness no matter how much pain I'm forced to suffer daily, I keep my mouth shut. I don't tell anyone about the things you do, the life you lead. The ugly truth behind America's Sweetheart. And believe me here are many people waiting for those nuggets of truth to set a feeding frenzy free. You're the one who doesn't care, Alix! You..you self monstrous, evil little girl. Nothing bothers you, nothing upsets you, because you don't care. About anyone or even yourself.

 

ALIX

You're wrong, I care about beating you in LA soooooo much, while all our friends, and all our families watch on, because maybe, I dunno, if I do that, I can get rid of you, finally. You know you made a mistake and you know you've been lying to me and you should be so sorry and you're not. And you're making things like way, way, way worse. And you know that. I’ve been burned by so many things, especially lately. And I really am starting to learn who my true friends always were and I have every reason not to trust a thing you say. You know it’s true. And, after Anglemania, March 30th, I just want you gone. Forever.

 

As that comment receives a shocked reaction from Krista and audience alike, Alix departs the ring, never once setting her eyes on Krista. Her trance anthem returns to the forefront of the arena, as the audience once again trades cheers and boos for the record holding four time tag team champions.

 

“KRISTA!”

“ALIX!”

“KRISTA!”

“ALIX!”

 

COLE

Well, folks, the city of angels is going to be on fire come March 30th! Two of their very own are going to go out in the Memorial Coliseum, and I can't wait.

 

COACH

You know what I can't wait for? The House of Worship, tonight on HeldDOWN, featuring keeper of the peace, Abdullah Abir Nerdly with his special guests new tag team champions The Heavenly Rockers! Team Heyross be sure ya watch and see how a real team conducts themselves with ya vanilla whitebread ass.

 

COLE

We'll see that later on along with a match that didn't take place on Leap Year Spectacular, Widow against Miss Jobbs. Should be a very exciting bout!

 

Backstage, The Meterosexual Monster Bohemoth is in his locker room getting prepared for action later on. His preparations are interrupted however, by the entrance into his locker room by Zack Malibu. As Zack walks over to where he's sat Bo pulls his elbow pad into position, barely paying any attention to Zack, which doesn't sit well with the already annoyed Franchise.

 

MALIBU

So?

 

BOHEMOTH

...so, what?

 

MALIBU

Well I just figured you'd have some sort of explanation for me. You've had two weeks to think up your excuse, so I'm just dying to hear what you came up with.

 

BOHEMOTH

Listen Zack, you had a lot to say for yourself before you went out there for that Survivor Series Match and in the end, it bit you in the ass. Because I listened to every word you said. See, you were right Zack. I DO have tunnel vision. And the light at the end of that tunnel is the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship! Just like you saw your opportunity by teaming with PR to get at Popick, I saw my opportunity that night as well. Difference between you and me is I seized my opportunity. I realised pretty quick after your little speech that you were right in saying you'd be that much closer to the World Title by pinning Popick. But I guess that didn't happen, did it? No, no, instead, BOOM! One Spinebuster and who's the Champ gonna be chasing now, Zack? The guy who ALMOST beat him, or the guy who planted his ass in the middle of the ring with that Spinebuster and left him laying, on national television?

 

Zack smirks a little.

 

MALIBU

Very clever, very... heh... what can I say? Turns out there are some brains behind all that brawn.

 

BOHEMOTH

And don't you forget it either.

 

As Bo stands Zack tenses up, ready for a fight if it's coming. Bohemoth just nonchalantly grabs his roll of wrist-tape from the shelf above his head though.

 

BOHEMOTH

You know, it's funny. Everybody around here knows you deal with things that much better when you've got famed Malibu fire stoked up inside of you. When you're fighting for some cause or another. You'd even rather deal with someone like PRL who you know and dislike than you would with me. Why is that Zack? That whole time when you were proudly telling me your masterplan to keep the jump on me with Popick and the World Title, I could tell you were worried. You were worried that I'd come running out there, muscle my way in, muscle you up, muscle you down. Standard bigman stuff, right? See I'm smarter than all that Zack. You were so worried about me plunging that knife into your back. Lemme do you a favour. Man to man, I'm telling you right now, when I strike, it's gonna be head on... so, you've got nothing to worry about.

 

Zack sneers at Bohemoth, as he returns the pat on the shoulder from two weeks ago.

 

BOHEMOTH

Now, I'm gonna let all that sink in while I go to the ring and remind everybody just what I can do, head on.

 

Picking up his favoured orange-tinted sunglasses, Bohemoth walks off, leaving Zack behind with hands on hips.

 

COLE

No love lost between those two that's for sure. Its all competition heading into Anglemania! And we'll see Bohemoth later on against Rico of Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew!

 

COACH

Poor, poor, Rico. At least Bo won't kill his heat by tricking him into singing disco tunes.

 

COLE

Folks, there's still more to come on OAOAST HeldDOWN~!

 

COMING UP NEXT

FLAMBOYANT LUCHADORES AND THE JAPS THAT BASH THEM

GENSHOU VS MARIACHI

NEXT

Edited March 7, 2008 by Patty O'Green

[Patty O'Green 0]

Coming back from break we see Anglesault sitting behind his desk, which is creepily decorated by numerous pictures of Yankees captain Derek Jeter.

 

ANGLESAULT

Good evening. We are now just 24 days away from the seventh anniversary of the OAOAST in earnest, AngleMania VII. Week by week the card is taking shape. And in an effort to make the Road To AngleMania every bit as exciting as the show itself is bound to be, it's my pleasure to announce that next week, HeldDOWN~! will emanate from Lafayette, Louisiana with a huge main-event. For the first time in 18 months, the OAOAST will present the Torneo Cibernetico!

 

ANGLESAULT

This year's Cibernetico will be the biggest and most exciting ever, with two teams of 8! On one team, Theodore Moneymaker's Enterprise will join forces with Landon Maddix's Cucaracha Internacional, with a select four from each group. And they will face a team captained by Leon Rodez. Team selection and just as importantly, the batting order, will be their call. In the end, there can and will only be one winner of the Cibernetico... and that winner will recieve an AngleMania match of their choosing. With that in mind, we look forward to next week, for now though let's send it back to the arena.

 

And we do just that, where the audience is popping enormously from that huge announcement.

 

COLE

Wow! You'd hate to waste such a great match on a nothing city like Lafayette, but what a big announcement that was. I'm already counting down the days until that one. Now, folks, last week at the Leap Year Spectacular, we were promised that the man who has brought the Oriental Assasain GENSHOU into the OAOAST. What we got was that man, at least we think, as his entire body was covered from head to toe in a ninja costume. He came to the ring as GENSHOU was destroying yet another opponent and gave us hints.

 

COACH

He claimed to be someone who has wrecked havoc on both the X-Division and Zack Malibu in the past. The voice sounded somewhat familiar, but at this point, only speculation can be had as to who is the man behind the mask. Nonetheless, his protege, GENSHOU, has created a path of destruction, lining up bodies across the promotion and not only beating them, but leaving them hurt badly.

 

COLE

This mysterious benefactor has already begun to work his magic. We've seen GENSHOU have his way against various no-name journeymen in the past. This week, the competition ups a bit, as he will face one-half of Los Diablos, Mariachi!

 

(Cut to a shot of Mariachi on the apron, entering the ring with his music playing)

 

BUFFER

Introducing first, from Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, at a weight of 169 pounds....MARIAAAACHI!!!

 

The lights in the arena go out, then the light show begins. GENSHOU's music begins, as the ninja leads him into the arena.

 

BUFFER

His opponent...from Yokohama, Japan...he is accompanied by his mysterious ninja friend. At a weight of 240 pounds, this is GENSHOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!

 

GENSHOU sprays his mist in the air, then enters the ring as the lights come up...he wastes no time and kicks Mariachi in the stomach immediately!

 

*BELL RINGS*

 

GENSHOU immediately pulls Mariachi mid-ring, bringing him over with a snap suplex, floating right into a cover!

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

COLE

We don't see a lot of traditional wrestling manuevers out of the Asian Sensation...maybe that's a hint as to what he's learning from this ninja...

 

GENSHOU pulls Mariachi up and sends him off with an Irish whip. Mariachi ducks a back elbow on the way back, comes off the ropes on the other end, then sends GENSHOU flying back into the ropes with a Dynamite Kid-style back-bump dropkick! GENSHOU holds himself up with the ropes, then kicks Mariachi in the face with the sole of his boot as he attempts to get up. Mariachi gets pulled up by GENSHOU and then dropped with a fireman's carry front slam. GENSHOU stomps on Mariachi's stomach, causing him to sit up in pain, then sends him back down with a buzzsaw kick to the face! GENSHOU pulls Mariachi up, then Irish whips him into a corner. GENSHOU charges at Mariachi and gets a boot to the face. GENSHOU steps back, dazed. Mariachi charges out of the corner at GENSHOU and runs right into a spinning wheel front kick (extra 1/2 rotation)!

 

NINJA AT RINGSIDE

NO MERCY! NO SURRENDER!

 

GENSHOU pulls Mariachi up by the mask, drawing a warning from the referee. Mariachi gets out of GENSHOU's grasp with a headbutt to the mid-section. Mariachi comes off of the ropes and goes for a flying headscissors takeover, but gets slammed down on his chest and face as GENSHOU reverses it! GENSHOU pulls Mariachi up, hooks him for a Rock Bottom, then lifts him so his legs are draped over the top rope. GENSHOU then pulls Mariachi down by the head and arm, almost like a head-drop Flatliner! The crowd goes "OOOOOOH!" as GENSHOU kips up and runs his thumb across his throat. He pulls Mariachi up again, hooks Mariachi's head under his arm, and hits the Satsujin Cutter (Roll of the Dice into stunner)! GENSHOU goes to the top rope...ORIENTAL TSUNAMI (corkscrew moonsault)! GENSHOU goes for the cover...

 

ONE!

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

THREE!

 

*BELL RINGS*

 

BUFFER

Your winner...GENSHOOOOOOUUUUU!

 

COLE

Mariachi got in easily the most offense of anyone who's ever faced GENSHOU before, but GENSHOU still obliterated him!

 

COACH

Watch out, the ninja has the microphone and is in center-ring!

 

NINJA

My assasain has once again left a mere man battered and beaten in this ring. In due time, GENSHOU will be sent on his specific mission in this company, almost a diamond heist of sorts. He will take the reward on the top of this mountain and never come back with it! On his way, he will hurt, maim, and destroy with no remorse felt throughout his soul! He will end careers, he will take lives, and he will ruin familes! Men like John Wayne Gacy, the Melendez brothers, and Jeffrey Dahmer, cold-blooded MURDERERS, will pale in comparison to the killing fields that my GENSHOU will have created! The blood of men will reign down from the skies like a Sunday afternoon rain-shower in the spring. Previous bloodshed in this promotion will be comparable to the busted hymen on a 12-year-old virgin rape victim once my GENSHOU is done harming the innocent and killing the guilty. Be warned, OAOAST competitors: my GENSHOU is coming at all of you with murderous intentions and not one man that is in his path of destruction will be left with a breath in their body. He doesn't care who you are: man, woman, child, adult, hermaphrodite...if you have a pulse and try and interrupt his mission, he will slit your GODDAMNED THROAT, PULL OUT HIS THROBBING (bleep), AND (bleep) THE WOUND! If you think you're on the list of those unfortunate souls who will be skinned like cattle that just don't make the cut for breeding, you most likely are. So go home, kiss the wife goodbye. Tell your kids that Daddy made a bad, bad mistake and that if you love him like they say they do, they will NEVER, EVER spite a man like you have spited me in your pasts! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA (bleep)in' DIE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

COLE

We have a lot of screwed-up things on this program every week...that might be one of the most bizarre tirades I've ever heard.

 

COACH

Certainly one of the most tasteless...I'm sure the company'll issue an apology tomorrow, but this guy's referencing pedophilic rape and all this violence on a show like this. This dude's screwed up and I really apologize to anyone who had to hear that who was offended. This guy's apparantly a man of this company's past who's been driven off the deep end by something that someone's done to him. He's so scarred that he won't show his face or reveal his identity, but someone's going to be very badly hurt and I REALLY don't like this!

 

COLE

Folks, switching gears for just a bit, I'd like to let you know that you have an opportunity to win two tickets to Los Angeles for Anglemania courtesy of Sony and the Playstation 3! Your victory include a room at the world famous Hollywood On Sunset, and a meet greet with the OAOAST superstars.

 

COACH

Why would anyone want to attend a show where a rapist and a necrophiliac are running lose?

 

COLE

There's a voucher for free popcorn.

 

COMMERCIAL

[Patty O'Green 0]

As we return to live action DJ Clue's Super Mario Mix hits, and the Burrough Boys walk through the curtains, holding two packages. Quincy is wearing an LSU football jersey.

 

COLE

Well, the Burrough Boys on their way to the ring, unscheduled, obviously with something to say!

 

COACH

I wonder what could be in the boxes?

 

Waldo is holding a small square box, and Luther is holding a longer, but skinny box. The Boys enter the ring, and Mariano grabs a mic.

 

MARIANO

As you know...last week, there was a big battle royal at the Leap Year Spectacular, a big Heartland battle royal. And our guy, Reject, he came *that close* to winning that thing, and facing Sandman9000 at AngleMania VII.

 

Mariano makes his way over to Luther and Waldo, who are holding the boxes.

 

MARIANO

Now, Reject's really had some bad luck lately in the ring, and he's really been feeling down. So me and the boys went in and got him a few things, to maybe lighten the mood. So let's bring Reject out here, so he can get his stuff!

 

The crowd starts to boo, as Renagade hits, and Reject slowly walks down the aisle, with a puzzled look on his face, and climbs into the ring.

 

MARIANO

Now...we know how you've been feeling lately, you've been in a slump...and when you're in a slump, we'll be right there with you in a slump. So hopefully this can change things.

 

Luther and Waldo open the packages, revealing a brand new Yankee cap and pinstripe jersey.

 

COACH

Wow!

 

LUTHER

Go ahead, put it on! This is the jersey of champions, something these people in Ohio wouldn't know about!

 

*crowd boos*

 

Reject puts the hat on, then Waldo helps him put the jersey on. Waldo then pulls out a camera, as Luther and Mariano stand next to Reject, and Reject puts his arms around them.

 

WALDO

Come on, let's get a big smile.

 

Reject is focused on the camera, and thus never sees Quincy's spinning thrust kick which catches him right in the chin!

 

COLE

HEY!

 

Waldo tosses the camera down, then runs over and proceeds to stomp away at Reject! Mariano and Luther join in on the assault, as the crowd is completely confused at how to respond.

 

COLE

This was a setup!

 

COACH

What in world is going on here?

 

Quincy then picks up Reject, hooks him from behind, and executes the TANOOKI SUIT~!!! Officials run to the ring, as Mariano grabs the mic once again.

 

MARIANO

Maybe you didn't hear us right! You ain't been gettin' it done! And when you ain't gettin' it done, that affects us, homie! We're all supposed to be in this together! Well, not anymore. You can sit around and feel sorry for yourself, but the Burrough Boys are movin' up in the world! And we're startin' now!

 

Quincy takes the Yankee jersey, and drapes it over Reject. The Burrough Boys celebrate, as their music plays.

 

COLE

Well folks, this one certainly came out of nowhere...rest assured we'll be following this story very closely in the coming weeks!

 

COACH

I don't get it, Cole, I don't get it! I've never sensed that there was any tension between these guys!

 

COLE

Right now, let's switch subjects while Reject gets cleared out the ring and gets the medical attention he needs. Folks, its obvious that the match between Alix and Krista at Anglemania is an enormous deal to our fans. And its an enormous deal to the city of Los Angeles. But given Alix and Krista's celebrity status its also a big thing in the Entertainment industry. So, we've asked a few celebs their opinion on who takes the big match at Anglemania! First up, Natalie Portman and Demi Moore.

 

Footage of Natalie Portman at the 23rd Annual Starlight Starbright Children's Foundation Gala is shown.

 

PORTMAN

I like Alix alot. I disagree with her choice in company and girlfriends, which can really affect someone if the influence is strong enough. But I've talked with her a couple times, and she is such a sweet and nice person. Very excitable. I first met her and Krista on the same day, actually, at a convention in San Diego for the EPA. Krista was by far the smartest person I met that day. Just totally focused, and knew more about the issues than anyone else, and was so able to go from one thing to the other. And Alix was definitely the nicest, so I hope they don't fight and get back together. Yeah, that's my hope. Why can't we have a happy ending?

 

Footage of Demi Moore at the same event is shown

 

MOORE

When they broke up people made such a fuss about it. You would have thought the world had never seen it before. That's the nature of the celebrity break up, they turn it into a huge war and make you pick sides. And I guess I have to the same. I'll take Krista, she's fast approaching her forties, I have to stick by her for that. Alix still has the joy of being of being in her early thirties, late twenties.

 

We fade out from the shot of Moore laughing.

 

COMING UP NEXT

THE METROSEXUAL MONSTER IN ACTION

RICO DE JANIERO VS BOHMEOTH

NEXT

[Patty O'Green 0]

When we return to the ring the 80's classic "Rio" by Duran Duran is in mid-stream, as a fired up Rico de Janeiro playfully strokes his moustache and taunts the crowd, climbing up on the turnbuckles and shouting down some of his detractors.

 

COLE

Welcome back to HeldDOWN~!, fans! As you can see we've got the Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew in the ring, and Rico de Janeiro may soon wish he didn't take this little detour from tag team action, because his opponent is one angry Metrosexual Monster!

 

"Liberate" by Disturbed replaces the new wavishness (don't ask me if it's really a word, just accept it!) of Duran Duran, and both members of the MGHC stare up the aisleway, as all eyes are on the arrival of Bohemoth!

 

MICHAEL BUFFER

Introducing, from Greenville, South Carolina...weighing in tonight at two hundred and eighty four pounds, he is known as the Metrosexual Monster...he is BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHEMOTHHHHHH!

 

Briskly walking to the ring, Bo then hops up on the apron and steps through the ropes, cracking his neck as he stares down both Rico and Lucius. Lucius, seemingly intimidated, backpedals out of the ring, patting his partner on the shoulder and offering well wishes, because Bo isn't exactly known for playing nice.

 

COLE

You can see the fire in his eyes, Michael Cole. A fire that was lit by competition, and one that has led to frustration, resentment, and anger. We've been watching a friendship tear apart ever since the Triple Cage match back in November, and now that Zack Malibu vs. Bohemoth is set for Anglemania, both men are on the warpath, looking to take all their frustrations out before they even make it to their scheduled match!

 

The bell sounds, and Rico quickly tries a lockup, only to get shoved down to the canvas with ease from the brutal Bohemoth! Rico gets up and dusts himself off, and gets up, going for another lockup. This time it works in his favor, as he's able to snare Bo in a headlock, but Bo shoves him to the ropes, then floors him with a clothesline! Rico reels, as Lucius pounds the canvas, trying to encourage his partner, as Bo picks him up and sends him towards the corner, where the turnbuckle pads nearly make an imprint on his back due to the severity of the collision!

 

COACH

The Metrosexual Monster ain't pullin' no punches tonight!

 

COLE

We saw earlier that Bo heeded Zack's advice to seize the moment, and that's what led to him causing Zack's elimination in that eight man contest two weeks ago. Those two are fighting tooth and nail just for a CHANCE to become OAOAST World Champion, they might wind up finishing each other off before either can get their hands on the champion!

 

Rico staggers in the corner, and is soon struck with a running lariat that crushes him in the corner! Rico slumps, but Bo picks him up and biels him out of the corner, sending him halfway across the ring!

 

COACH

I hope you had "under three minutes" in the pool tonight, Mikey Cole, because Bo looks set to finish off Rico right here!

 

As Rico tries to recall what town we're in tonight, Bo hits the ropes...but in an act of desperation (or stupidity, your call), Lucius hooks his ankle as he runs the ropes, causing Bo to drop face first into the canvas! Rico, shaking off the effects of Bo's offense, winks at his partner and then starts clubbing the back of Bohemoth, as Lucius cheers him on...and then the cheers of the fans grow high and mighty, as the actions of Lucius have just caused an undesired outcome.

 

COLE

Coach, it's Zack! Zack Malibu is charging down the aisle!

 

Malibu heads to ringside and rounds the corner, rushing after Lucius, who sees him and backsteps! Lucius begs off, then opts for a cheap shot, but Malibu blocks the punch and waylays him with several shots of his own, then sends Lucius into the metal stairs! Lucius, groggy and sore, comes up to his feet, but Maibu rushes him and leaves the ground, leaping into the air to drive the point of his knee into the side of Lucius' head!

 

COLE

ZACK ATTACK ON LUCIUS SOUL!

 

The fans roar, as Lucius is now a non-factor. Bo slips out of Rico's scoop slam attempt, then spins him around and plants him with a spinebuster! With the wind knocked out of him, Rico is easy pickings, as Bo picks him up and effortlessly swings him outward, drilling him hard into the canvas with the Erotic Awakening of B~! One hand on the chest is all it takes, as Bo makes the cocky pin while smirking at Malibu, waiting for Nick Patrick's count to make it official.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THREE!

 

DING! DING! DING!

 

COLE

Now that is impressive!

 

COACH

That's a BEAST, Michael Cole. Zack Malibu has no idea what Anglemania has in store for him when he has to meet that man!

 

Bo gets up, and now he and Zack are staring each other down. Calmly, Malibu steps into the ring and the two go eye to eye, talking and nodding, with the fans buzzing the whole time.

 

COACH

Is he thanking him or is he going to kill him right here and now?

 

COLE

If I were a betting man, I'd bet the former and not the latter, but with the ways things are going between these two, who knows?

 

Finally, Bo pats the shoulder of Malibu, a gesture of goodwill for Malibu's aid in offsetting Lucius' interference. Malibu nods in acceptance of the gesture and turns to walk away...then looks over his shoulder back at Bo AND CRACKS HIM WITH A SCHOOL'S OUT~!

 

COACH

YO~!

 

COLE

ZACK MALIBU...ZACK HAS JUST DROPPED BOHEMOTH WITH A SCHOOL'S OUT!

 

The fans continue to buzz, some cheering loudly, some booing Zack's shot. Malibu walks over to Bo, standing over his unconscious body before kneeling down and slapping his chest, telling him "We're even!" Zack gets up, looking much more stoic and serious as usual, and heads to the back, never once looking back in regret at what he just did.

 

COLE

Zack Malibu and Bohemoth...they're both out for blood, it looks like neither one wants to wait for Anglemania! Right now, I understand we have cameras positioned backstage!

 

Backstage we go into the Love Generation dressing room, trailing close behind the dejected looking form of Jade Rodez. Carrying a cup of coffee in her hand Jade is greeted by Tyler, who quickly covers up the speaker part of the phone he's talking on as he notices Jade.

 

TYLER

Hey. Listen, Leon's on the phone and he wants to speak to you. I'll put him on speaker, shall I?

 

With a sad nod Jade agrees. Tyler, after explaining to Leon on the other end, does as he said and quickly takes off to give Jade her space.

 

LEON

Hi, Jade? How are you doing?

 

Jade doesn't respond. Arms folded, she sits back in the chair staring forwards at the blank wall in front of her.

 

LEON

Stupid question, I'm sorry. Look, I know you're still angry with me.

 

Jade continues to stare forwards.

 

LEON

You've got every right to be, I know. But this doesn't change anything, you know. Mom and Dad only told me about a year ago, after you'd already shown up here. Maybe they figured since I was virtually looking after you by that point that I'd handle but, I didn't know how to tell you. And I certainly didn't know it was Krista. Not until...

 

Jade glances up as Leon stops.

 

LEON

...well, I kinda put two and two together a couple of weeks ago, but I swear I didn't know for sure, not until Moneymaker said so. You have to believe me.

 

JADE

I do.

 

LEON

Good. Look, I know this is all horrible for you and it's going to take you a long time to really adjust. But when you're ready, I'm still here for you. Shayne, Tyler, they'll still be here for you. We all will. No matter what your blood might say, we're still your family, your friends, people who really care about you. So once you get your head together we'll talk. Besides, sister, niece, what does it really matter, huh?

 

Leon's attempts at lightening the mood go down like a lead balloon with Jade who just glares at the speaker phone as he chuckles nervously.

 

LEON

Too soon for jokes, I'm sorry. Listen, maybe it's better if I just let you think about what I said and you can give me a call back when... if you wanna talk, okay? Stay safe. I'll see you next week if you don't get back to me before then.

 

JADE

...okay.

 

With an audible sigh, Leon hangs up. Right on cue there's a knock at the door and before Jade can think of telling whoever's on the other side to buzz off, the door opens and Maggie Nerdly walks in, closing the door carefully behind her.

 

JADE

Please Maggie, not now...

 

MAGGIE

It's okay, no interviews. I'm not here for work. I'm just here to talk... about... ya know.

 

JADE

Where's Tyler?

 

MAGGIE

Oh, I sent him packing. Poor kid, he was so busy with his ear pressed up against the door he didn't hear me coming. Listen, I can't stay long because I've got a match tonight... can you believe that? It sounds so weird, even coming out of my own mouth. Main event! Hollaback to that, girl! But, that's not important. What's important is how you're feeling? You can confide in me, ya know, I used to do the problem pages in my High School newsletter. Acne, backne, crackne, I've guided the masses through them all. Then once Marvin and Melvin graduated, they gave me the job on the paper! Anyway, point is, I'm hear to help. I'll be your listen lady. Just let it all out. Pretend you don't know me. I mean, I know I'm dating your brother and all so I...

 

Maggie stops all of a sudden as Jade kinda scoffs under her breath.

 

MAGGIE

What? Did I say something wrong?

 

JADE

No.

 

MAGGIE

Is it about Leon? Because I won't take his side, I promise.

 

JADE

Yeah. So, you've got a big tag match tonight! Tha Puerto Rican. He's pretty cute, don'tcha think? No? Well, give it time. It's amazing what working closely will do sometimes. Who knows, you might find out you've got some sort of amazing chemistry with him! I mean, look at Leon... my UNCLE, Leon... look at the chemistry he and Melody have together, huh?

 

Maggie struggles for a moment to respond to that.

 

JADE

Oh yeah. Have you heard their AnglePalooza DVD commentary? It's good stuff. So, I take it Leon's wished you good luck tonight...

 

MAGGIE

Well... not yet.

 

JADE

Oh. Well, nevermind, I'm sure he's got a lot on his mind now that it's out that he's really my uncle and not my brother. I'm sure he'll get around to it.

 

MAGGIE

Yeah... uh, listen, I hate to cut and run like this but I really should be getting ready for my match, so you'll be okay, right?

 

JADE

Oh yeah, sure, sure, you go right ahead. And good luck.

 

MAGGIE

Yeah, yeah... thanks.

 

Looking a little shaken up Maggie stands back up and walks back out of the dressing room scratching her head. As soon as the door shuts, Jade's forced smile disappears and she picks up her coffee and takes a satisfied swig.

 

COMMERCIAL

 

[Patty O'Green 0]

OAOAST HeldDOWN Is Brought To You By

Milan Spectacular-Mi piacerebbe visitare l'Italia un giorno di questi!

Enchanted-On DVD March 18th. I reserved my copy, no homo.

The Bank Job-Starts Tomorrow

 

"PREPARE...FOR...LANDON!"

 

...WAAAAAHHHHH...

 

*DUM DUM*

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

"Megalomaniac" cues up and out head the entire force of Cucaracha Internacional. Landon Maddix leads the way with Megan Skye on his arm, beaming from ear to ear as he glows in the success of his new 6-Man Tag Team Champions. James Blonde also beams away with Faqu stalking behind him and Nathaniel Black to the other side, the odd-man out being Todd Cortez who stands off to the side out of the way of his team-mates.

 

COLE

And here comes the other profiteers of Jade Rodez's misery, Cucaracha Internacional.

 

The six make their way to the ring with Blonde taking a moment to show off his title belt to the camera, pointing out that yes, that is his name on it. So giddy is Blonde he tries to get Cortez in on the picture, only for The Urban Legend to scowl at him and brush right past. Meanwhile Landon hits the ring and grabs the mic, calling for his troops to gather around him.

 

MADDIX

Well well, Colombus Ohio. Is it your lucky night or what? Cucaracha Internacional, live and in person. There'll be plenty of opportunity for autographs and polaroids later on. Infact, we'll be outside all night, $10 a pop, $20 for thre... well, you'll figure it out. First of all though, let's talk last week. Let's get to congratulating the newly crowned OAOAST 6-Man Tag Team Champions of the World, huh?

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

Blonde laughs to himself and adjusts the title belt over his shoulder, slapping Faqu on the back as he stares off into the distance with the belt hanging loosely in his hand.

 

MADDIX

Much as I hate to sound cliché, sometimes you've got to tell it like it is. And I have to tell ya... I love it when a plan comes together! This was no mean feat getting these titles. I had to make a judgment call and hey, if I can bring Nathaniel Black in here... (Black steps forward, getting an arm around the shoulder)... this guy right here, you're looking at right now a true team player. I made a judgment call in bringing in Todd Cortez to a winning team. Like any good coach should aspire towards doing, it was the right call made at the right time. Like... that guy, who coached the Superbowl team? I don't know his name, or who won, the point is they scored some points because he picked the right touchdowner.

 

Apparantly the only member of Cucaracha Internacional who knows anything about American Football, Cortez

 

MADDIX

And now thanks to me, finally the OAOAST has some Internacional credence! For too long Faqu and James Blonde have been the BUTT of jokes around this place. Not anymore! They've got gold now they're in Cucaracha Internacional. And Todd... well, it's been far too long since gold was around that waist. It's just like I promised.

 

COLE

Landon taking full credit for his partner's victory, despite being ???? miles away at the time.

 

COACH

He was the inspiration behind it. There in spirit.

 

MADDIX

With that said we move on. On to the road to AngleMania. And on to next week for the 'Torneo Cibernetico'. I got the call last week, while my boys were doing me so proud at the Leap Year Spectacular. There I was over in Cincinnati, watching another great SWF show in process, From The Fire 2008 coming soon to DVD. And AngleSault, he called me up, 1-800-SWF and he said "Hey, Landon, how do you feel about wrestling the Cibernetico in two weeks time?" Well, I thought Cibernetico was either retired or still wrestling in Mexico so needless to say I was a little confused.

 

COACH

Based on a true story.

 

MADDIX

But anyway, I just brushed it off and said sure, you find me a time portal that allows me to be in Lafayette to compete for the OAOAST and Philadelphia to run my SWF show on the same night and you can have whatever you want! Well, that time portal apparantly wasn't available. But what is available is the private jet to fly myself and Megan from Philly on the 13th, to Lafayette for Friday Night HeldDOWN~!, so you'd better believe Landon Maddix is gonna be there for Cibernetico baby!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

MADDIX

Why are you idiots booing, you'll still be here in Columbus! Actually, I guess I just answered my own question.

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

MADDIX

Now, that brings me to Cibernetico III. Turns out, it's not a rookie who's part of some lucha Mr. Wrestling style dynasty. No, turns out it's a match. What can I say, we don't have many Ciberneticos in Espagna! But luckily, I knew I had somebody I could call on. First of all, I had somebody who was sure to know all about these 'Ciberneticos'. Mi hombre. Mi compradre. Mi hispánico. My BFF, Todd Cortez!

 

Cortez rolls his eyes as Landon starts to applaud him.

 

COLE

BFF?

 

COACH

Yeah, Best Friend Forever. It's text speak, all the kids are doing it.

 

COLE

Oh brother.

 

MADDIX

And then, lo and behold, I stumbled upon two Cibernetico veterans. No less than the runner-up of Cibernetico II, Faqu... and the Cibernetico II ganador, the WINNER, James Blonde!!

 

Stepping forward, Blonde raises his hands celebrating his victory, 18 months on. Landon and Megan applaud him, but they're the only ones. Faqu is Faqu, Cortez continues to look perpetually uninterested and Nathaniel Black suddenly begins to realise where this is all leading as regards to his Cibernetico participation.

 

MADDIX

So I've got my troops. Enterprise... I guess it doesn't really matter who you bring, since only one person can win a Cibernetico, so I'm told. So long as you hold up your end for at least some of the match and don't embarrass yourselves, we'll all get along fine. And then it'll be on to AngleMania. The biggest show of the year. And, hey, as I just said only one person can win the Cibernetico and I've already made it clear to James, to Todd and to Faqu, should they somehow win next week, then they're going to exercise their right to an AngleMania match indipendently. Whatever they want for March 30th, myself and Megan or the rest of Cucaracha Internacional will not stand in their way. So...

 

 

YEOW!

 

Landon suddenly trails off, as "Money Talks" by AC/DC suddenly begins to rock out through the arena. And much to his surprise out swaggers Theodore Moneymaker! Adjusting the lapels on his white smoking jacket, Moneymaker heads to the ring. Alone, curiously enough.

 

COLE

Well this is certainly interesting.

 

"Tailored suits, show of your cars

Fine hotels and big cigars

Up for grabs, up for a price

Where the red hot girls keep on dancing through the night"

 

As Moneymaker steps into the ring, James Blonde quickly steps in to hold Faqu back and convince him not to go after the uninvited guest as he strides back to Maddix with a microphone.

 

MONEYMAKER

Landon Maddix...

 

"YOU SUCK!"

"YOU SUCK!"

"YOU SUCK!"

"YOU SUCK!"

 

MONEYMAKER

...no, that wasn't what I was going to say. Landon Maddix, first of all I'd like to take this moment to officially state how much I'm looking forward to next week. Cucaracha Internacional and The Enterprise together for the first time, two forces combined to wipe out Leon Rodez and his merry band of characters. I can't wait! And I'd also like to extend my congratulations to your new World 6-Man Tag Team Champions.

 

MADDIX

Thank you... uh, on behalf of them.

 

MONEYMAKER

Of course. And now all that is said, I'd also like to thank you for providing me with another enjoyable moment last week. I was especially glad to hear that Krista Isadora Duncan got such a GREAT reaction while performing for the SWF. Good for her. She needs some happiness in her life right about now. And as your 6-Man Tag Team Titles will attest, it was a case of win-win-win! So, with that in mind...

 

Reaching into the pocket of his jacket, Moneymaker pulls out a BIG wad of cash. Landon's eyebrows peak at the money, only snapping to his senses when Teddy starts to try and count the bills out in his hands.

 

MADDIX

Woah woah, hang on a se...

 

MONEYMAKER

I can't thank you enough for how smoothly everything went. Like you said, I love it when a plan comes together!

 

MADDIX

Listen, I don't kno... (trails off looking at the money)... uh... look, I didn't book Krista for you, I...

 

MONEYMAKER

Oh I know, I know.

 

Looking to an also confused Megan, Maddix suddenly fights temptation and quickly pushes the money back into Moneymaker's chest.

 

MADDIX

With all due respect, Mr. Moneymaker, I don't want Krista to think tha... I mean... look, I didn't have anything to do with what happened last week, right?

 

MONEYMAKER

Well...

 

MADDIX

Well? Well nothing, I didn't...

 

MONEYMAKER

 

MADDIX

...no... no, TELL THEM!

 

With Landon pointing out into the now booing crowd, Moneymaker gathers up his money and puts it back in his pocket.

 

MONEYMAKER

You know, you're right. We'll conduct this piece of business later and somewhere a little more 'private'. See you next week. BWAHAHAHA!

 

MADDIX

What's so funny? Wait...

 

Moneymaker turns and takes off again with the money safely back in pocket, leaving Landon bumbling around in the ring trying to explain to everybody that he doesn't have anything to do with... well, anything. His Cucaracha Internacional team-mates all sympathetic ears to his face but as he turns to explain to the next person you can see a little bit of scepticism in their eyes.

 

MADDIX

Krista, if... if you're watching, I really didn't... I mean, look, I want to work with you again in the future, I'd never...

 

Realising he's not going to get out of this one any time soon, Landon quickly declares the interview over and gestures for his music to be hit. And as soon as "Megalomaniac" hits he leaves the ring, ushering his team-mates out with him.

 

COLE

Wow, I'm not quite sure what to think of that. Theodore Moneymaker, I guess wanting to 'reward' Landon Maddix for his part in Krista Isadora Duncan not being in St. Louis last week. But, Landon... I don't know what to think. He certainly wasn't in a rush to take credit for it, that's for sure.

 

COACH

Can you blame him? Let's face it, Krista's already out for blood, he doesn't want to get caught up in that firestorm.

 

COLE

Maybe it's me Coach, but I've got a sneaky suspiscion Theodore Moneymaker might have had Cibernetico in mind when he offered up that money, if you know what I mean.

 

COACH

I... don't.

 

COLE

Mind-games? With Landon, perhaps?

 

COACH

Oh... hey, could be. Cibernetico'd be an awful lot easier if Landon were on an IV drip by then.

 

Cucaracha Internacional head back off through the curtains as we fade to...

 

COMMERCIAL

[Patty O'Green 0]

COLE

Folks, just a reminder that the road to Anglemania isn't limited to the OAOAST programming. You can check out our superstars on networks such as PBS where Logan Mann of all people will be a guest of Tavis Smiley.

 

COACH

What do you mean all people? Logan is a well read and articulate brother, he makes Collin Powell sound like Mush Mouth from Fat Albert.

 

COLE

I meant of all people because Logan is a lying two-faced scumbag. But, folks, right now lets throw it over to Tony Schiavone who is standing with former tag team champion James Cone and his better half, Widow. Tony?

 

Backstage, Tony Schiavone stands with James Cone and Black Widow. Cone is in jeans and a his “BURN BRIGHT” T-Shirt, and Widow is ready for the war that’s coming later in the night.

 

Schiavone

Tony Schiavone here with James “Lunar Phoenix” Cone and Sara “Black Widow” Anderson. Tonight, the Nationwide Arena is going to see a match that is always guaranteed to produce thrills: the steel cage. In it, Black Widow will square off with Miss Jobbs for the rights to set stipulations for the previously announced Anglemania war: Lunar Phoenix against Jester.

Phoenix, you’ve been sidelined for weeks, recovering from injuries delivered by Jester. You contracted pneumonia and fought your way back. What kind of shape are you in tonight, and what kind of shape will you be in come the biggest show in the business?

 

Phoenix

Well I’m sure as hell not a hundred percent, Tony. But I’m well enough and I’m here, and it’s going to take a hell of a lot more than pneumonia and a severe concussion to keep me away any longer.

 

Schiavone

Jester, obviously, will be accompanying Jobbs to the ring tonight. Are you ready to deal with what that might entail?

 

Phoenix

Jester. Jester, Jester, Jester. Fuck Jester. This… attention, this fear, that’s exactly what he wants and you’re giving it to him. You’re feeding him. He likes the chaos, he doesn’t care about the business or the rules. I beat him once and he can’t stand it. He’s just a shadow, just a wannabe. Three or four years ago I fought him in the rafters, I fought him on the rooftops, and I put him down. This isn’t really worthy of my return match. This isn’t worthy of my time at Anglemania. This is a nuisance. He’s just a child, pitching a fit until someone listens. Well I’m listening, Jester. I’m listening and I’m coming. And this time, I’m going to make sure you never work again. This time, Widow isn’t some helpless sidekick you can string up at the top of an arena. This time she’s right beside me. This time I’m a little older, I’m a little wiser. This time I know just where to hit you with the Phoenix Kick to shatter your jaw. This time I know just how hard to wrench your arm back in a Crossface to break it. This time, Jester, I’m taking a page out of your book. You think I have to play by the rules, be the good guy, do the right thing – and you can do whatever because, hey, you’re the bad guy. Well you haven’t met the bad guy, Jester. But you will at Anglemania. You’d better hope to whatever God you like to make fun of that Jobbs wins tonight. And if she does, you’d better set the safest stipulations you can. Because if you give me even the slightest chance, I will break you in-fucking-two. Get ready, Jester. The jokes on you.

 

Phoenix and Widow leave the area, Schiavone giving the camera the “holy shit” look.

COMING UP NEXT

STILL LEAPIN'! STILL SPECTACULAR!

WIDOW VS JOBBS

NEXT

 

COMMERCIAL

 

FADE UP:

 

Widow and Jobbs are already in the ring as we come back from break, glaring at one another as the STEEL CAGE lowers around them. “Fully Alive” plays in the background as Phoenix and Jester circle the outside of the ring, nervously.

Cole

Welcome back, fans. Here we are, a pivotal battle in the war between Jester and James Cone. If Black Widow wins, she can set the terms for the Anglemania showdown between Lunar Phoenix and Jester. If Jobbs wins, she gets the rights. I can’t imagine how sadistic, how brutal a match set by Jester and Jobbs would be.

 

Coach

Were you even paying attention? Cone made it abundantly clear that he’s got something crazy in mind son.

 

The Cage sets into place and the Ref calls for the bell –

 

DING DING!

 

The ladies waste no time, immediately locking up. Jobbs powers Widow back to the ropes, shoves her head up against the steel mesh of the cage wall and lands a VICIOUS KNIFE EDGE CHOP! Widow awkwardly holds her exposed collar-bone area and – SMACK! A second chop from Jobbs leaves a big red spot across Widow’s chest.

 

Coach

Hey! Hey! Protect those!

 

Jobbs goes for a third, but Widow lands a kick to the gut. It buys her enough time for a WHIP across the ring. On the return, Jobbs SLIDES between Widow’s legs and pops up behind her – RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX!

 

Widow goes right on her head and bounces over, immediately wrapping her arms around the back of her neck.

 

Cole

Jobbs going for the high powered moves off the bat. You can win by pinfall. You can win by climbing out. You can win by getting through the cage door. Leaving your opponent prone is your best bet inside this thing.

 

Jobbs pulls Widow up by the hair. Powers her to the corner, sets her up on the second turnbuckle.

Cole

Jobbs going for a suplex attempt-

 

Widow hooks the leg and blocks it! Jobbs tries again, but Widow blocks again and swings – BIG RIGHT to Jobbs, who staggers back. Jobbs, undeterred, grabs two handfuls of hair and BAM, crazy headbutt! Widow, stunned, doesn’t stop it this time – SUPER SUPLEX FROM THE CORNER!

 

Cole

Look at the power of Miss Jobbs! If these two weren’t so intent on each other, we could have the start of a new Women’s Division here!

 

Both women are sprawled for a moment. Widow’s bell is pretty rung, leaving Jobbs to look up with a huge grin at the cage wall. She makes for it and begins the climb.

Outside, Phoenix is as close to Widow as he can get, shouting encouragements. Jester is coaxing Jobbs up the cage.

 

Widow begins to stir as Phoenix shakes the cage wall nearest to her.

 

Jobbs is about halfway up as Widow shakily gets to her feet. She looks around, sees what’s happening and gauges the situation. Widow runs to the corner closest to Jobbs, LEAPS, SPRINGS – MISSILE DROP KICK TO JOBBS FROM THE TURNBUCKLE!

 

Cole

Oh my god! Where the hell is Joey Styles when I need him?

 

Coach

Living a shadow of his former life, Cole.

 

Jobbs is knocked loose, falling between the cage and the ropes. Widow caught the ropes on the way down and is getting untangled as the crowd takes up a “BLAAAAACK WI-DOW *clap, clap – clapclapclap*!” chant.

 

Outside, Phoenix shakes the cage and yells, “Come on, end it!”

 

Widow nods. She pulls Jobbs into the ring proper and pulls her up. Jobbs tries to land a couple of hits, but Widow drives an elbow into her neck once-twice-three times! Widow pushes Jobbs towards the corner and CRACK- a HUGE CHOP! Jobbs yelps as Widow lands ANOTHER, the SMACK~! Echoing out

 

Coach

No, I refuse a new women’s division if there’s just gonna be damages to the breastases.

 

Widow hits a HARD RIGHT, and ANOTHER, ANOTHER, DRIVING Jobbs down in the corner. BAM, BAM, BAM! Widow breaks and steps back and we see that Jobbs’ nose is bleeding. Jobbs runs her tongue up, tasting it. She grins and tries to pull her self up, but Widow is there with a STOMP to the gut, and ANOTHER, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, grabbing the ropes and DRIVING THEM HOME.

 

Jobbs is clearly hurt, not moving, just lying back against the bottom turnbuckle. But she’s grinning up at Widow. She reaches up and smears the blood from her nose around her mouth in a grin and blows a kiss at Widow.

 

It only seems to piss Widow off. She hits another boot for good measure and reaches down for the hair. She pulls Jobbs up, and then lifts her to the top turnbuckle. Widow climbs to the second and stops a weak right from Jobbs with a VICIOUS right of her own.

 

Outside, Phoenix applauds and points at Jester, who scowls from the other side of the ring area.

Delicately, Widow bends Jobbs down, and a buzz begins to build in the crowd.

 

Cole

Widow going for some sort of high risk maneuver of her own here…

 

Widow uses the cage to support herself as she TURNS AROUND and hooks Jobbs arms!

 

Cole

No! No, that’s crazy! Someone could get killed!

 

Coach

Looks like the Phoenixes have had enough, Mikey.

 

Widow’s got it locked in. Jobbs realizes what’s coming and it’s a bit much even for her. She tries to struggle out, but Widow’s not letting it go anywhere. SHE LEAPS!!

 

 

VERTEBREAKER FROM THE TOP TURNBUCKLE!!

 

Cole

CHELICERA! CHELICERA FROM THE TOP! SUPER CHELICERA!

 

The impact is JARRING, as Jobbs flails away and over, rolling over her shoulders. She lies face down, unmoving. Widow rolls away, selling her back.

 

Phoenix grins, pounding on the cage wall.

 

Jester’s got handfuls of his own hair, unbelieving.

 

Widow slowly pulls her self up with the ropes, arm wrung around, trying to support her back. She stumbles against the ropes, trying to right herself and makes for the cage door.

 

Jester runs for the door and grabs it, intent on slamming it on Widow. She doesn’t see it as he PULLS IT BACK-

 

BAAAAAAAAAM~!

PHOENIX IS THERE. PHOENIX KICK~! Jester is DOWN!!!

 

WIDOW FALLS THROUGH THE ROPES, OUT THE DOORWAY INTO PHOENIX’S ARMS! He holds on to her and they both immediately make for the ramp.

 

Jester watches with disgust, torn between hatred for them and Jobbs. Jobbs wins as he slides into the ring to push the Ref away who was trying to bring Jobbs around.

 

Phoenix and Widow make it to the top of the ramp, where a microphone is waiting, courtesy of Schiavone.

Widow grabs it as Jester glares at them, shaking with rage.

 

WIDOW

You wanted it, you got it Jester. Chaos, pain, and brutality. A match centered on James. A match he helped create!

 

Cole

What-

 

WIDOW

THE CELL, with BARBED WIRE ROPES. A ladder in the middle! And above the cell door, Jester, the contractual papers that can TERMINATE either YOUR career or OUR careers! STAIRWAY… TO… OBLIVION TWO AT ANGLEMANIA!

 

COLE

OH MY GOD!

 

COACH

Joey styles wishes he was here, Cole!

 

Fade out to commercial with a shot of Widow and Phoenix grinning at the top of the ramp, Phoenix mostly holding Widow up, with Jester glaring at them from the ring on the AngleTron…

 

COMMERCIAL

[Patty O'Green 0]

We're taken backstage to The Enterprise dressing room, which is empty besides CPA and Mister Moneymaker. And that's odd because the Enterprise is such a big stable it has two tag teams. But, for now its just Mister Moneymaker, clad in a smoking jacket, puffing on a pipe, reclining on a leather chair and reading a contract with great pleasure. Sitting on the adjacent sofa, thumbing through the April issue of Rolling Stone with Alix on the cover, is CPA.

 

CPA

What about tornado cybersexual, cybercentennial, cyberncumbered, whatever the hell these damn Mexicans be calling it, shit I don't know. You don't wanna lose focus on that boss.

 

Moneymaker looks up from his contract with only passing interest.

 

MONEYMAKER

What about it? Am I supposed to focus on that underachieving idiot Leon Rodez? A poorly matched ghost of my past. I'd sooner fear my own shadow then him! He wins a face of the year, in a rigged vote obviously, and then proceeds to do nothing of worth this year besides losing his six man titles to infinitely superior opponents. He's just another faceless nobody aimlessly adrift on the OAOAST roster. And he's ready to sink when his vengeful niece Jade torpedoes his career. BWAHHHAHA Who can he pick to challenge the great Theodore Moneymaker? I ask you that.

 

CPA

Don't go countin Leon Rodez out like that, boss. Duke is too tough for that. He's had Ned and Simon's number plenty of times and he got you real good at Angleslam.

 

MONEYMAKER

Almost a year ago! Who can cross swords with the last king of man? Not this fool, who's own life I just destroyed merely as a pleasant and unintended side effect. Who does he know of worth? Of character? My guess is I'll be staring across the ring from an ex pornstar, Jumbo, The Love Doctors, and Los Diablos. And that's so sad I can't even bring myself to laugh. Don't ask me about that again. You might as well ask me what I plan on doing with a fly that lands on my shoulder. Or a bee that lands on the window of the limo.

 

With that out the way, Moneymaker returns to reading over the contract.

 

MONEYMAKER

BWAHHHA what a contract this is, what a contract this is. I have to say, Christopher, contract law was never my thing back at Yale, but this contract I drew up for Alix Maria Spezia, I'm telling ya, toss the three hundred dollar text books out the window, all you need is this thirty page document that cost me about a dollar to copy at Kinkos. BWAHHHHAHA! Why am I so smart? That's what I wonder, I look around the locker room, and my heart sags into my stomach, it honestly does, because I'm the only one around this place who got the privilege of intelligence. The gene in all our great leaders, McCain, Nixon, Regan, both Bushes, and even my good pal Jeb. Could anyone in the OAOAST have thought to craft a contract that guarantees them twenty percent of all of Alix's earnings from hear until the great beyond. And for what? For being her “Financial Advisor”! Basically, twenty percent for being my genius self. 2008 is a great year for the company, wouldn't you agree.

 

CPA

Sure do, boss.

 

MONEYMAKER

These are inroads we're making here, Christopher. Inroads into Hollywood, my friend, and Alix Maria Spezia is our vehicle. We're the sound financial force behind her, the one that keeps her funds in perfect order. The financial institution supporting a best selling pop artist. It has a ring too it, my friend. A ring that sounds like Ca-ching! BWAHHAHAH! Soon other celebrities will take note, or she'll mention us to her friends, and connections right there, right there, are made! They're made, CPA, and we began laying the seeds in the soil for a media empire. I'm already the third largest investor in TSM, my knowledge of the television industry is unquestionable. With Alix I have access to the movie and film industry, and then finally a takeover. Theodore Moneymaker, media mogul. BWHAHHHA!

 

Cackling with glee, Moneymaker actually begins kicking his feet against the arm of the sofa. fuck yo couch nigga

 

CPA (wistfully)

I could be as beautiful and famous as Barbra Walters...

 

PAUSE

 

MONEYMAKER

What?

 

CPA

Uh, um, I could have sex with Barbra Walters.

 

MONEYMAKER

A dream worth pursuing, old friend! I'll tell you what's even better, Christopher, I have struck the crippling arrow directly into the heart of that witch Krista. Gaze outside a moment and you'll see droplets of red, streaks of crimson. That is the blood of Krista Isadora Duncan on her death match to a well earned grave. Don't let her comedy, and jokes lead you wrong as it has so many of those other fool minded boors in the OAOAST. Its a shield and a mask, and many have been fooled by it. I will not, because I am not many. I am god. And I wield the perfect weapon to deliver the killing blow. Alix Maria Spezia. Our darling little Alix, our precious cash cow, and our weapon of war. What a combination. Who better to finish off Krista then the woman she loves the most? And for Alix to do it in Los Angeles and claim that kingdom solely as her own? BWAHHHHA. A kingdom overlooked by a god such as myself? Majestic. What a fantastic day it will be for Theodore Moneymaker, the last king of man. March 30th The end of Krista Isaodra Duncan, as orchestrated by Theodore Moneymaker. BWAHHAHAHHAHA!

 

As Moneymaker's creepy laughter continues to scare the rest of the group from entering their own dressing room, as we fade out

 

A video of Abdullah Abir Nerdly's recent peace mission to Syria (or a soundstage designed to look like Syria) is shown, set to the sounds of Salif Kwafia's Tomorrow.

 

COMING UP NEXT

ALLAH'S GREATEST GIFT

THE HOUSE OF WORSHIP

NEXT

[Patty O'Green 0]

And now, the OAOAST SPINEBUSTER OF THE WEEK, presented by Beauty Crush, the much anticipated Alix Maria Spezia debut CD!

 

Courtesy: The Leap Year Spectacular

 

Melody and Jock cheer him on as he sits Logan on the top turnbuckle. As he climbs onto the middle rope and hooks Logan’s head, there’s a commotion in the stands.

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

Inexplicably, the Enterprise’s Director of Security, CPA, makes his presence felt. He enters the ring after shoving Nick Patrick down and levels Jock with a BIG BOOT, then waist locks an unsuspecting Baron Windels from behind, driving him straight to the mat with the DOMINATOR!

 

COLE

What the hell?! Damn him!

 

Logan gains his footing on the top rope and spreads his wings before flying, spiking both knees into the sternum of Baron Windels!!

 

ONE…

 

TWO…

 

THREE!!

 

* DINGDINGDINGDING *

 

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match and for the third time your One & Only World Tag Team Champions…THE HEAVENLYYYYYYY RRRRRROOOOOOOOOCCKKEEEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSSS!

 

HOUSE OF WORSHIP

With your Inspirational Leader....Abdullah Abir Nerdly

 

A mellow Arabic chant welcomes us back inside Nationwide Arena. Flanked by a bevy of beauties, two of whom solely responsible for keeping his robe from scratching the floor‘s surface, Abdullah Nerdly scrolls out to a specially designed set located away from the main stage, nodding and smiling to his followers.

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

COLE

Judging from their reaction, I don’t think our fans want to listen to Abdullah’s latest message.

 

COACH

Yeah, because they might actually learn something. If our citizens were half as tolerant as those in Abdullah’s part of the world, there wouldn’t be violence or discrimination.

 

COLE

Instead there’d be intimidation and repression.

 

Now at the podium, Abdullah takes a moment to praise the heavens, one of the poses displayed on his Mosque’s stained glass windows.

 

ABDULLAH

Thank you my virgins. And hello again enemies of Abdullah. Welcome to a special prayer gathering at my House of Worship. Tonight’s sermon deals with the act of giving. It has long been said it is better to give than to receive. Well allow me to put that rumor to rest because it is far better to receive than it is to give!

 

COACH

Praise be!

 

ABDULLAH

Look no further than last week’s Leap Year Spectacular for example. My good friend Teddy Moneymaker’s Enterprise received a generous donation from yours truly in exchange for security protection for me and my men during the Sin City Street Fight. While it is true anything goes in a street fight, there are -- believe it or not -- some gentlemanly rules in the rough world of professional wrestling. The biggest of which is that you never intentionally try to hurt one of your opponents.

 

COLE

Is he kidding me? The Colonel and his men have purposely tried to end careers on numerous occasions and he’s complaining about the Lone Star Gunslingers’ physicality in a street fight? A match his men demanded, by the way.

 

ABDULLAH

Praise Allah for CPA. If not for him it’s unlikely I’d be introducing my guests at this time. Enemies of Allah, I present to you the greatest rock ‘n’ wrestling band of all-time and your One & Only World tag team champions… THE HEAVENLY RRRRRROOOOOOOOOCCKKEEEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSSS!!!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

The gold back around their waists, both Heavenly Rockers also sport bandages/scratches on their faces, the result of their punishing Sin City Street Fight last week on the Leap Year Spectacular. It doesn’t stop the Synthmeister from playing a little air guitar on his tag title. Holly-Wood, meanwhile, is unable to keep her paws off husband Logan Mann, feeling him up with one hand and caressing his championship belt on the other.

 

ABDULLAH

Mr. and Mrs. Mann, Synth, welcome back to my House of Worship. Before we go any further, a few weeks ago there was to be a major announcement made by the Heavenly Rockers. Unfortunately that announcement had to be postponed due to a couple of trigger-happy Gunslingers who… praise Allah… have since been taken care of. Seeing as though we’re gathered this glorious evening to celebrate our new tag team champions, there wouldn’t be a better time to make that announcement than right now! Synth, if you’d please step forward.

 

Synth obliges, lowering his head as well.

 

ABDULLAH

After months of studying you have finally accumulated the wealth of knowledge that has purified your mind, body and soul. Inside of you always beat the heart of a little boy. Tonight beats the heart of a man. Brother Synthmeister, I hereby christen you SYNTH ABDUL-JABBAR, master of the skyhook elbow drop!

 

The Colonel adds to the pageantry by placing GOGGLES on Synth’s face. Visibly moved, the newly christen Synth Abdul-Jabbar and Colonel Abdullah embrace to a round of applause from Logan and Holly.

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

SYNTH

Colonel, thank you for this honor and for guiding this lost soul to happiness he never thought possible. No drug in the world can replicate the high Synth Abdul-Jabbar is on. My only regret is that our Muslim brother Barack Hussein Obama wasn’t as successful in his recent bout as the Heavenly Rockers were in theirs.

 

COLE

Since when did Synth and Abdullah become so interested in the 2008 U.S. presidential race? I thought Synth heart Huckabee?

 

COACH

Maybe he decided to jump on the bandwagon like everyone else. You honestly don’t believe their support is some kind of sinister plot?

 

ABDULLAH

The bigotry within the United States, where all men are supposedly created equal, is a disgrace. Let’s not worry about that however. His nomination is money in the bank. Right now allow me to reiterate my pleasure on having you back on the show, especially as the OAO World tag team champions for a third time.

 

LOGAN

That sounds so good I’m gonna say it again. 3-time tag team champions of the world, the One & Only tag team champions of the world for that matter, the Heavenly Rockers!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

LOGAN

We’ve felt naked the last month or so without the gold, but we told each and every one of these people in the area and watching at home that we’d regain the tag titles. It wasn’t easy, nor was it pretty. Just look at our faces. Under these bandages are countless stitches. But hey, we took it as good as we gave it.

 

SYNTH

Yeah, boy. If ya’ll think we look bad, go find the Lone Star Gunslingers. They look even worse. And they lost too!

 

LOGAN

Jock and Baron are probably licking their wounds somewhere in Texas, maybe huddled on the couch enjoying Brokeback Mountain on HBO or whatever, and assuming their heads aren’t buried in each others crotches, they can at least hang ‘em on the fact they didn’t just lose to the best but the greatest rock ‘n‘ wrestling band of ALL time!

 

SYNTH

Ain’t nothing wrong coming in number two.

 

HOLLY

Logan can attest to that.

 

LOGAN

 

ABDULLAH

Now then, as you gentlemen very well know, once you get done with one team you move on to the next. For you it’s the 2008 Anderson Cup winners Team Heyross at AngleMania VII.

 

LOGAN

Colonel, you’ve been around us long enough to know we only deal with facts. And the fact is we’ve won more tag titles and slept with a whole helluva lot more women than Charlie Moss and Quentin Benjamin have in their dreams.

 

SYNTH

Those fools can’t even beat us in their sleep either!

 

COLE

They seem to be forgetting Team Heyross eliminated them from the Anderson Cup.

 

LOGAN

So as far as we’re concerned, AngleMania’s just apart of our spring break plans. A trip to LA on the OAOAST’s dime.

 

SYNTH

 

ABDULLAH

Praise be!

 

The segment concludes with the Heavenly Rockers, Holly-Wood and Colonel Abdullah arm in arm singing “We Are the World” for reasons unknown.

 

COMING UP NEXT

ISN'T IT PAST MAGGIE'S BED TIME???

MAGGIE NERDLY & PRL VS MISS LINDSAY GONZALES AND POPICK

NEXT

[Patty O'Green 0]

"THE C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-CORP-CORPORA-CORPORATION"

 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

 

The crowd starts booing loudly. The lights go down in the arena as the opening to “No Chance In Hell” starts playing. Smoke fills the entrance stage. And then, the crescendo hits, and

 

“I NEED YA RIGHT NOW!”

 

*PYRO~!*

*PYRO~!*

*PYRO~!*

*PYRO~!*

*PYRO~!*

 

hits the entrance stage. “No Chance In Hell” by Bradley Royds starts playing over the P.A. system.

 

*No chance (No chance)

That’s what ya got! (Ha! Ha! Yeah!)

 

We’re up against

no machine too strong (Too strong)

 

Pussy politicians buying souls for us

are…PUPPETS! (Puppets!)*

 

Pink spotlights converge around the arena. White pyro cascades down in the entrance as the entrance doors slide open and the Popicks -- Stephen Joseph and Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick come out to remarkably LOUD boos from the thousands in attendance. Stephen Joseph does his trademark crucifix pose while Lindsay stands to his right with her hands on her hips. Stephen Joseph then turns around with an evil smile on his face, the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt strapped around his waist. SJ taunts the fans, and then points to Lindsay telling the fans, “She’s mine! Not yours!” Lindsay nods her head in agreement. Lindsay does the “Look at my body” pose, and then unstraps the OAOAST Women’s Championship belt from around her waist and raises it over her head with her right hand while her husband raises his hands in the air to loud boos as strobe lights appear over, under and on both sides of the AngleTron.

 

COACH

Truly, they are the GOLDEN COUPLE of the OAOAST!

 

Stephen Joseph kisses his wife on the lips, and then directs her to the ring. Stephen Joseph walks down the entrance ramp with the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt around his waist, while Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick walks down the entrance ramp holding the OAOAST Women’s Championship belt over her left shoulder. The Popicks walk down the entrance ramp arm-in-arm.

 

*DING DING DING*

 

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is an Intergender Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall with TV time remaining. Introducing first, coming to the ring at this time. At a total combined weight of 345 lbs. Representing the Stephen Joseph Popick Corporation. They are the team of the One And Only AngleSault Thread Women’s Champion MISSES LINDSAY GONZALEZ-POPICK AND the One And Only AngleSault Thread Heavyweight Champion of the Woooooorrrrlllllllllllllld…STEPHEN JOSEPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH POPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

 

Lindsay smirks at the crowd. Stephen Joseph won’t stop running his mouth on the way to the ring as “No Chance In Hell” continues playing.

 

COLE

Big time main event as we are just FOUR weeks away from AngleMania VII! And the two men in this match-up will collide for the OAOAST Championship in the main event of AngleMania VII!

 

COACH

The day of reckoning is upon us, Michael Cole! PRL might have been able to avoid retirement last month, but he is going to regret not retiring when Popick gets through with him at AngleMania!

 

COLE

OR, will Tha Puerto Rican finally realize his dream of being World Champion in only 24 days?

 

COACH

Cole, look at who you’re talking who. Come on! Seriously!

 

Lindsay laughs at all of the women in the audience. She points to her Women’s Title belt some more. She then makes sure to avoid all contact with the fans as she climbs up the ring steps and enters the ring. Lindsay poses in the center in the ring to boos as confetti drops from the rafters.

 

COLE

The men already have an issue, but this match came about because of the women in this match! This past weekend on OAOAST Syndicated, Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick defended the Women’s Title against Maggie Nerdly and won thanks to some timely interference from her husband, Stephen Joseph. Afterwards, the Popicks looked to attack Maggie, but she was saved from an assault by Tha Puerto Rican, who suffered the burnt of the attack instead.

 

COACH

It has not been a good week for Tha Puerto Rican. First his best friend loses to Stephen Joseph on the Leap Year Spectacular thereby ruining The Badd Boy vs. Badd Boy match that every OAOAST fan wanted to see at AngleMania VII, and then when he TRIES to do some good for once in his life, he pays for it with a ::Beltshot:: to the back of the head! Oh well, sucks to be you!

 

COLE

It hasn’t been the best of weeks for The People’s Champ, but I’m sure that he is able to sleep at night knowing that on March 30th he has a chance to finally become OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion, and by defeating his former manager and “Career Consultant” in the process!

 

COACH

How can he sleep at night when he goes to bed alone? Lindsay’s with Stephen Joseph now!

 

COLE

I think PRL is over her now, Coach. After what he’s been through over the past five months, after how much the Stephen Joseph Popick Corporation has made his life a living hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if he never wanted to see her or anyone else in the Corporation ever again.

 

COACH

Well, he’s going to see PLENTY of her tonight! PR and Lindsay in a match together for the first time as enemies! This is going to be sweet! PRL is going to get his ass kicked by his ex-fiancée!

 

COLE

We’ll see, Coach. We’ll see.

 

Stephen Joseph Popick jogs up the ring steps. The male Popick scales the turnbuckles. With one foot on the top turnbuckle pad, the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion scans the crowd for his fans. He doesn’t find any, so he smirks. Popick jumps off of the top turnbuckle and joins his wife inside the ring. He embraces his lovely wife, smiles at her, and then gives her a kiss on the lips. Stephen Joseph and Lindsay look at the fans, look at the cameras, and then look at each other. They stand near the ring ropes…and do The Corporate Salute to LOUD boos. A giant Puerto Rican flag falls from the rafters. Stephen Joseph Popick unstraps the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt from around his waist and raises it over his head. Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick raises the OAOAST Women’s Championship belt over her head. The crowd boos viciously.

 

COACH

Yeah! Look at that! THAT’S power! THAT’S greatness right there! THAT is perfection! The Popicks are the Golden Couple of the One And Only AngleSault Thread!

 

COLE

Stephen Joseph and Lindsay are indeed at the top of the mountain. They hold the most prestigious titles one can hope to obtain in the One And Only AngleSault Thread. Lindsay at the top of the women’s division, Stephen Joseph at the top of the One And Only AngleSault Thread mountain.

 

COACH

And that’s the way it’ll stay. At AngleMania VII AND BEYOND!

 

Lindsay bobs her head to “No Chance In Hell”. The lights go back on in the arena. Lindsay holds the OAOAST Women’s Championship belt over her left shoulder, while Popick holds the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt over his right shoulder. They talk strategy about their upcoming match.

 

COLE

An Intergender Tag Team Match. The men can wrestle the women and vice versa.

 

COACH

And you just KNOW that Lindsay is looking forward to getting her hands on Tha Puerto Rican!

 

COLE

That wouldn’t surprise me, Coach. PRL might have the slight disadvantage in this contest. Maggie Nerdly is the least experienced of the four competitors in this match!

 

COACH

Well in that case, you just KNOW that Lindsay is looking to getting her hands on Maggie Nerdly too! ESPECIALLY after OAOAST Syndicated this past weekend!

 

Stephen Joseph and Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick pace around the ring, each one holding their respective title belt. “No Chance In Hell” by Bradley Royds dies down. The crowd buzzes in anticipation for the faces’ entrances.

 

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican and Maggie Nerdly teaming up for the first time ever, as are the Popicks, Lindsay and Stephen Joseph, if you can believe that.

 

COACH

They’ve only been together since August, Cole. And half of that time they had to keep it on the down low to avoid having Tha Puerto Rican find out about it and thus ruin Stephen Joseph's plan. Not that surprising.

 

COLE

Yeah, but…

 

COACH

Just be quiet.

 

“Monster” by Meg & Dia brings the crowd to its collective feet. Green and gold lights flash on the entrance stage. Pillars of smoke spring forth from around the chaotic illumination. The entrance doors slide open, and Maggie Nerdly skips out from the back, flashing the famous Nerdly RAWK~! devil horns for the adoring crowd to see. Maggie points to the fans in the arena, and then walks down the entrance ramp, slapping hands with the fans along the way.

 

BUFFER

And their opponents. First, coming to the ring at this time. From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. MAGGGGIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE NERRRDDDDDDDDLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

 

The crowd cheers as Maggie continues walking to the ring.

 

COLE

Maggie Nerdly has spent more time doing interviews than wrestling ever since she came to the OAOAST! But she’s got one hell of a partner for this match here tonight!

 

COACH

Yeah, one hell of a choke artist for a partner here tonight!

 

COLE

Will you stop!?

 

COACH

And good to see that Maggie has moved on so quickly from Leon Rodez and has shacked up, no pun intended, with Tha Puerto Rican!

 

COLE

They’re just tag team partners here tonight, Coach. They haven’t had any past interaction whatsoever.

 

COACH

Yeah sure. You don’t think that Tha Puerto Rican doesn’t want a taste of that sweet, barely legal, Canadian nectar? Hell, I do! Maggie’s probably going to end up having as many kids as she does brothers and sisters, and they all probably won’t come from the same father!

 

COLE

Oh, will you stop!?!?

 

Maggie stops at the end of the entrance ramp. Lindsay taunts her from inside of the ring, pointing to the OAOAST Women’s Championship belt repeatedly, while Popick holds the ropes for Maggie to enter the ring. Maggie, of course, shakes her head no. Instead, she talks trash to Lindsay from outside of the ring.

 

COLE

Maggie Nerdly hasn’t forgotten about this past weekend’s OAOAST Syndicated. She wants some of Lindsay tonight!

 

COACH

Hey, I want some of Lindsay EVERY night!

 

COLE

We know, Coach. We know.

 

“Monster” by Meg & Dia dies down. Maggie tosses her bouquet behind her back and into the audience. She then removes her white bridal veil.

 

COLE

Both women haven’t wrestled as much as their male partners, but I don’t think this will be a showcase of technical skill here tonight!

 

COACH

Yes! Catfight! Catfight! CATFIGHT!

 

Maggie taunts the Popicks and then points to the entrance.

 

“THE CHAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP…”

 

*DUN DUN*

 

“…IS…”

 

*DUN*

 

“…HERE!”

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

With that, a lightning bolt hits the entrance, the PRL entrance video plays on the AngleTron, and “Know Your Role 2000” begins playing, with the crowd exploding in cheers. The lights go down in the arena. PR is heard saying, “THE CHAMP IS HERE!” in tune with the beat of the song, while smoke fills the entrance stage and spotlights circle around and around the arena. A few seconds elapsed, the entrance doors slide open, and then Tha Puerto Rican quickly saunters out through the smoke and power walks to the ring, not stopping at all, keeping his eyes solely focused on the Popicks in the ring. The crowd cheers louder than before.

 

BUFFER

And her tag team partner. Coming to the ring at this time. From San Juan, Puerto Rico. Weighing in at 220 lbs. He is the #1 Contender to the One And Only AngleSault Thread World Heavyweight Championship AND is one-half of The Badd Boyz. He is THA PUERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

 

Tha Puerto Rican taunts the Popicks, while Maggie smiles with her hands on her hips.

 

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican is heading to AngleMania VII to take on Stephen Joseph Popick for the World Heavyweight Title! After last Thursday, we now know that to be a fact. The contract has been signed. The match is set in stone. Tha Puerto Rican WILL indeed meet Stephen Joseph Popick for the One And Only AngleSault Thread World Heavyweight Championship at OAOAST AngleMania VII on March 30th from the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in Los Angeles, California!

 

COACH

So the contract signing already happened?

 

COLE

Yep, this past Monday.

 

COACH

Rats! I wanted to see the contract signing live! You know how they always end.

 

COLE

Which is why it happened on Monday and not on HeldDOWN~!.

 

COACH

Damnit!

 

Tha Puerto Rican stops at ringside to slap hands with the fans before power walking around the ringside area. PRL glances over at Maggie, and then climbs the ring steps and then gets onto the ring apron. Tha Puerto Rican gives the crowd and Maggie The People’s Eyebrow. Maggie chuckles. Tha Puerto Rican enters the ring. He spins around; soaking in the fans’ cheers while “Know Your Role 2000” continues playing over the P.A. system. Tha Puerto Rican does the HBK muscle pose while pyro goes off behind him. The crowd cheers loudly. PRL heads to a second turnbuckle and raises his hands in the air. PRL then gets off of the second turnbuckle and then heads to another second turnbuckle where he raises his hands in the air again. PR then gets off of the second turnbuckle and walks on over to a third second turnbuckle, passing by Stephen Joseph, who holds the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt in front of him. PR hits a third second turnbuckle and raises his right fist into the air while he “smells the electricity” as a single spotlight shines on him ala The Rock. Maggie applauds PRL while Popick stares at him.

 

COLE

All of these fans are standing on their feet! Tha Puerto Rican is looking to get some of Stephen Joseph here tonight, 24 days away from their showdown for the World Heavyweight Title at AngleMania VII!

 

Maggie Nerdly enters the ring. Tha Puerto Rican gets off of the turnbuckle and walks on over to the only turnbuckle he hasn’t posed on, glancing at Stephen Joseph, who is still holding the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt in front of him. PRL does the same Rock pose on the fourth second turnbuckle receiving cheers. Tha Puerto Rican gets off of the second turnbuckle and then removes his sunglasses and earring and hands them over to a ringside attendant. Stephen Joseph has removed his sunglasses and crucifix, while Lindsay has removed her sunglasses and hoop earrings. Maggie has removed her white satin bridal gloves.

 

COLE

The men in this match have an issue. The women in this match are developing an issue. This is our main event on tonight’s HeldDOWN~!

 

Tha Puerto Rican stares at Stephen Joseph Popick. He and his former manager and “Career Consultant” exchange words, with their respective women giving each other dirty looks.

 

COLE

We all know how Stephen Joseph Popick and Tha Puerto Rican feel about each other! It is going to be one hell of a match! The biggest main event in AngleMania history! Tha Puerto Rican vs. Stephen Joseph Popick! The OAOAST World Heavyweight Title up for grabs! The main event of OAOAST AngleMania VII on Sunday March 30th from the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in Los Angeles, California! Student vs. Teacher! Master vs. Protégé! They have a long history with each other, and we may see the final chapter written in four weeks time!

 

COACH

And that chapter will end with Tha Puerto Rican staring up at the night sky while Stephen Joseph Popick raises the OAOAST World Heavyweight Title belt over his head! The perfect, CORPORATE ending!

 

Tha Puerto Rican and Maggie Nerdly discuss strategy. Stephen Joseph tells Lindsay to hold the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt so that he can rush over and blindside Tha Puerto Rican…BUT THA PUERTO RICAN IS READY WITH A PUNCH OF HIS OWN! And another punch! And another punch! Referee Earl Hebner sees this and calls for the bell.

 

*DING DING DING*

 

INTERGENDER TAG TEAM MATCH

THA PUERTO RICAN AND MAGGIE NERDLY vs. STEPHEN JOSEPH POPICK & MRS. LINDSAY GONZALEZ-POPICK

The lights go back on in the arena. “Know Your Role 2000” dies down. Tha Puerto Rican continues hammering Popick with Rock-style punches to the temple! The punches take Popick to a neutral corner. PR continues with the punching. Punch. Punch. Punch. NOW KISS THAT LEFT~! Punch! BLOCKED! Stephen Joseph fires with a right jab! He fires off with another right jab! And another! Popick’s punches take PRL away from the turnbuckle corner!

 

COACH

Stephen Joseph’s laying the smackdown on Tha Puerto Rican just like he will at AngleMania! HA! HA!

 

The punches cause Tha Puerto Rican to stagger. SJP grabs PR by his left hand and then whips him into the ropes. PRL bounces off of the ropes, Popick puts his head down, so Puerto Rican grabs Stephen Joseph and gives him a spinning neckbreaker to a pop!

 

COLE

And Tha Puerto Rican is back in this match with that spinning neckbreaker!

 

PRL and Popick both get up. Maggie and Lindsay look on as Tha Puerto Rican nails Popick with a Rock-style punch to the temple. Stephen Joseph bounces off of the ring ropes, right into another Rock-style punch to the temple from Tha Puerto Rican! This time Stephen Joseph stumbles into his corner…where Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick slaps his back!

 

COLE

Uh-oh.

 

COACH

Yeah! Here we go!

 

Earl Hebner saw the tag, so Lindsay is now the legal person in the match. Lindsay enters the ring and walks with a swagger right up to Tha Puerto Rican. The crowd starts booing. Tha Puerto Rican stares at his ex with a serious look on his face.

 

COLE

And now it’s just the two of them. Tha Puerto Rican and Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick. Former lovers. Now bitter enemies. Tha Puerto Rican was going to marry that girl!

 

COACH

Yeah, but Popick took her and all of his friends away from him in one fell swoop!

 

COLE

That was terrible.

 

COACH

You can’t say that he didn’t have it coming!

 

COLE

Touché.

 

Lindsay runs her mouth to her ex-fiancée. PRL just stares at her. Stephen Joseph roots his wife on.

 

COLE

This is Intergender Rules, so that means that Tha Puerto Rican CAN wrestle Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick!

 

COACH

Go get ’im, Lindsay! Show your ex WHY he is your ex!

 

Lindsay continues running her mouth…that is until Tha Puerto Rican puts his right hand in front of Lindsay’s face. He then points to Maggie Nerdly. The crowd cheers. Maggie outstretches her right hand for the tag. PRL walks right over to Maggie and makes the tag to her.

 

COACH

Rats! I wanted to see them fight!

 

Maggie enters the ring and Lindsay immediately begs off! But the 18-year-old Nerdly sister runs right after the OAOAST Women’s Champion and SPEARS HER!

 

COACH

Look out!

 

The crowd goes wild as Maggie gets on top of Lindsay and starts hammering away at her gorgeous face!

 

COACH

Get that dumb Canuck off of the Women’s Champ!

 

COLE

Lindsay’s from Canada too, Coach!

 

COACH

Well then she’s the only good thing to come out of Canada then!

 

Maggie continues assaulting Lindsay with right hands! Then she grabs Lindsay by her EARS, and starts slamming her head repeatedly onto the mat!

 

COLE

And Maggie Nerdly going to work on the OAOAST Women’s Champion!

 

COACH

PRL was such a wuss. Refusing to fight his ex-girlfriend! What a coward!

 

COLE

I think he would rather not hurt Lindsay TOO much. I mean, he WAS with her for four years after all. And besides, Maggie has a score to settle with Lindsay!

 

COACH

These Nerdlys are all the same. Sore losers! Each and every last one of them…except Abdullah and Molly of course!

 

Maggie stops slamming Lindsay’s head and gets up to her feet. She motions for Lindsay to get up. Stephen Joseph yells out words of encouragement for his wife while Tha Puerto Rican just watches. Maggie picks Lindsay up, removing her scrunchee and letting her hair down in the process. Maggie Nerdly applies a facelock on Lindsay, and then puts Lindsay’s left arm over her head. Maggie grabs Lindsay’s pink short shorts and then lifts her up, giving her a snap suplex onto the mat!

 

COLE

Snap suplex! Basic, but it works!

 

COACH

The only good thing about this match so far is all of the upskirt shots we have gotten from Maggie!

 

Maggie waits for Lindsay to get up. When she does, Maggie bounces off of the ropes and nails Lindsay with a clothesline!

 

COLE

Maggie with the knockdown!

 

COACH

OUCH! That HAD to hurt!

 

Maggie motions for Lindsay to get up. When she doesn’t, Maggie decides to head to the opposite ropes--Stephen Joseph grabs Maggie by her hair and refuses to let go! Maggie screams for her life!

 

COACH

Yes!

 

COLE

Oh come on! Leave her alone! She’s gonna get killed by Popick!

 

COACH

Exactly! HURT HER, STEPHEN!

 

Stephen Joseph taunts Maggie as he continues holding onto her blonde locks. He laughs manically, but suddenly Tha Puerto Rican enters the ring and knocks Popick off of the ring apron with a punch!

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

COACH

Crap!

 

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican coming to the aid of his tag team partner!

 

COACH

See, he lusts after Maggie!

 

COLE

He did it out of the goodness of his heart, Coach! Nothing more.

 

COACH

Tha Puerto Rican has a heart?

 

COLE

He does now, apparently.

 

Earl Hebner forces PRL to go back to his corner. Meanwhile, Maggie Nerdly grabs a hold of Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick’s jet black hair with pink highlights. Maggie places Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick in between her legs (SCANDAL~!). But Stephen Joseph Popick comes back into the ring in the nick of time and punches Maggie right in the face knocking her down!

 

COACH

All right, Popick!

 

COLE

Stephen Joseph saving his wife right there!

 

COACH

He is such a good husband! I wish he was my husband…oops. Did I say that out loud?

 

COLE

Oh yeah.

 

COACH

Crap!

 

The crowd BOOS loudly. PRL calls attention to Popick’s evil misdeed, but the referee is only paying attention to PRL. Stephen Joseph chuckles as he walks back to his corner. Lindsay and Maggie both lie on the mat.

 

COLE

Stephen Joseph almost beheading Maggie Nerdly right there!

 

COACH

All’s fair in love and war and this is a little bit of both! Now it’s up to Lindsay to finish the job! Let’s go baby!

 

Lindsay catches her breath. She then winks at her husband, who winks back. Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick delivers a soccer kick to Maggie Nerdly’s stomach! Lindsay then smiles at Stephen Joseph.

 

MS. LINDSAY GONZALEZ-POPICK

I LOVE YOU BABY!

 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

 

Lindsay blows a kiss to her husband, who holds his right cheek after being ‘kissed’. Stephen Joseph looks at his wife lovingly.

 

COACH

Ah, young love!

 

COLE

Oh brother.

 

COACH

Just because your only partner has been your hand all these years doesn’t mean you should rain on other people’s parades when THEY‘VE got somebody!

 

COLE

I am happily married, Coach.

 

COACH

Blow-up dolls don’t count, Michael.

 

Lindsay grabs Maggie and then applies a front facelock on her. Lindsay cinches the hold tight. Lindsay walks with Maggie over to a neutral corner where she proceeds to stand sit on the top turnbuckle. With the facelock still applied, Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick jumps off of the second turnbuckle and delivers a Tornado DDT to Maggie Nerdly!

 

COACH

Beautiful move! Absolutely stupendous move from Lindsay! THAT’S why she’s been the Women’s Champ for almost a year! THAT’S why!

 

COLE

I thought it was because of her husband’s corporate connections--

 

COACH

Don’t start.

 

“MAG-GIE!”

“MAG-GIE!”

“MAG-GIE!”

“MAG-GIE!”

 

Lindsay smiles evilly after she gets up. She points to Maggie and tells her husband to “Finish the job!” She then makes the tag to Stephen Joseph and somehow the boos manage to become even louder.

 

COLE

Lindsay with the tag to her husband. So now it’s Stephen Joseph Popick and Maggie Nerdly in the ring alone together!

 

COACH

And unlike Puerto, Popick ain’t lusting after no Nerdly sibling!

 

Popick laughs evilly as he stands over the fallen Nerdly. He glances over at PRL and smiles evilly.

 

COLE

Popick taking his time, obviously.

 

COACH

He’s the Champ! He can afford to do that.

 

COLE

Yeah, he’s the Champ. But for how long?

 

COACH

FOR A LONG TIME!

 

Stephen Joseph Popick grabs Maggie Nerdly by her hair and smiles evilly at Tha Puerto Rican. Tha Puerto Rican yells at Popick. Then he changes his mind and runs over to attack PRL knocking him off of the ring apron!

 

COACH

There’s some payback for you!

 

The crowd boos. Stephen Joseph quickly runs over and grabs Maggie, applying a Full Nelson on her.

 

COLE

Oh no, don’t tell me!

 

COACH

Finality come up!

 

Popick walks to a neutral corner--but is cut off by Tha Puerto Rican! Popick falls to the mat!

 

COLE

And Tha Puerto Rican coming to the rescue of Maggie Nerdly once again!

 

COACH

See? He wants her! And I don’t blame him one bit quite honestly!

 

Tha Puerto Rican trash talks Popick as he walks back to his corner, ignoring Earl Hebner’s orders to return to his corner along the way. Both Stephen Joseph and Maggie lie on the mat.

 

COACH

Get back to your corner, P.R.!

 

COLE

He’s doing it, Coach.

 

COACH

As well he should.

 

COLE

Maggie and Popick need to make the tag big time!

 

COACH

COME ON POPICK! TAG YOUR WIFE!

 

Maggie starts crawling over to her corner. Tha Puerto Rican has his right hand extended for the tag.

 

COACH

Stop her! Stop her Popick!

 

COLE

Maggie Nerdly has been punched and given a Tornado DDT, she’s gotta be running on empty!

 

Maggie inches closer and closer to Tha Puerto Rican. PRL stretches his right hand out as much as he can.

 

COACH

Come on Popick! Don’t let her make the tag!

 

COLE

Maggie looking to make the tag! Can she? Will she?

 

Maggie stretches her left hand out…but Stephen Joseph grabs Maggie by her left leg and drags her to the Corporation corner! He then makes the tag back to Lindsay!

 

COLE

And Lindsay back in this match-up!

 

COACH

Yes!

 

Lindsay plays with her hair and then picks Maggie up. She grabs Maggie by her left hand, and then gives her an Irish whip into the ropes. Maggie comes back with a flying forearm knocking Lindsay down! Both Lindsay and Maggie lie in the center of the ring.

 

COACH

Damnit!

 

COLE

And Maggie fires back! And now BOTH women are down!

 

Seeing both women on the mat, Earl Hebner starts his 10 count. Stephen Joseph and Tha Puerto Rican both show concern for their partners.

 

STEPHEN JOSEPH POPICK

Lindsay make the tag! LINDSAY! MAKE THE TAG!

 

Maggie and Lindsay both start crawling towards their corners, causing Earl Hebner to stop his 10 count. The crowd is ready to explode as Maggie inches closer and closer to Tha Puerto Rican. Popick continues shouting insructions to Lindsay.

 

STEPHEN JOSEPH

GIVE ME THE TAG! GIVE ME THE TAG!

 

Maggie has her right hand outstretched for a tag. PRL stretches his right hand out to receive the tag. Meanwhile, Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick continues crawling over to Popick, who also has his right hand out for the tag.

 

COACH

Look at Lindsay, on her knees, crawling--

 

COLE

Stop right there.

 

COACH

Awww.

 

Maggie Nerdly inches closer and closer to Tha Puerto Rican.

 

Closer…

 

 

Closer…

 

 

Closer…

 

 

Closer…

 

 

Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick tags in Stephen Joseph Popick.

 

 

 

AND MAGGIE NERDLY TAGS IN THA PUERTO RICAN AT THE SAME TIME!

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

COACH

AAH!

 

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican is in!

 

Tha Puerto Rican charges forward and clotheslines Popick down!

 

COACH

OH NO!

 

Stephen Joseph gets back up! And Tha Puerto Rican charges forward again, knocking him down with another clothesline! Popick gets back up again! So Tha Puerto Rican hits him with a right hand to take him down to the mat once more! PRL waits for Popick to get close to him. When he does, Puerto kicks Popick in the stomach, grabs him, hooks him up…and gives him a Cradle DDT!

 

COLE

PRL with the Esto Daño De La Cogida De La Voluntad!

 

COACH

GET UP POPICK!

 

PRL covers Popick! He hooks his left leg.

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

KICK OUT!!!!

 

COACH

Phew!

 

COLE

Popick kicked out at the count of 2!

 

COACH

Just like he will kick out of every pin attempt Tha Puerto Rican tries at AngleMania VII!

 

Tha Puerto Rican waits for Popick to get back up to his feet. When Stephen Joseph gets back to a vertical base, Tha Puerto Rican charges forward with a clothesline--DUCKED! Popick grabs PRL and gives him a high angle neckbreaker!

 

COLE

Popick counters! What a magnificent move by the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion, countering Tha Puerto Rican into the high angle neckbreaker!

 

COACH

Just a taste of what’s to come at AngleMania!

 

Stephen takes a moment to catch his breath and then gets up. He goes over to where PRL is lying and starts stomping him all over his body. Popick picks Tha Puerto Rican up by his shaved head and takes him over to a neutral corner where he proceeds to slam PRL’s face into the top turnbuckle pad. SJP then starts kicking PRL in the mid-section repeatedly while Lindsay cheers him on.

 

COLE

And now Stephen Joseph Popick taking it to Tha Puerto Rican! These two men will collide for the OAOAST Title in just 24 days at AngleMania VII in the biggest main event in AngleMania history!

 

COACH

It is going to be great, Cole! It is going to be a classic! A night to remember in the City of Angels! I cannot wait!

 

SJP continues stomping on PRL again and again, sending The People’s Champion slumping onto the mat! Maggie Nerdly looks on in concern as Popick taunts PRL.

 

POPICK

YOU AIN’T NOTHING! YOU AIN’T NOTHING! YOU…ARE…NOTHING!

 

“P.R.!”

“P.R.!”

“P.R.!”

“P.R.!”

 

Popick lunges at Earl Hebner when he tries to stop him. Popick goes over to yell at Earl Hebner. When he’s done verbally harassing the referee, he returns to Tha Puerto Rican and is met with a left hand! And another! And another! And another! Tha Puerto Rican fires away with left hands dazing the One And Only AngleSault Thread Champion! P.R. grabs Stephen Joseph and gives him an Irish whip into the opposite ropes--Popick reverses--he goes for a clothesline, Tha Puerto Rican ducks, charges forward, bounces off of the ropes, right into a high knee from Popick!

 

COACH

YEAH-UH~!

 

Stephen Joseph covers Tha Puerto Rican.

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RIGHT SHOULDER UP!!!!

 

COACH

DAMN!

 

COLE

PRL still not done yet!

 

COACH

Popick will get him tonight and he’ll get him at AngleMania VII!

 

SJ yells at the referee, but the ref puts two fingers up. Popick gives him a finger in return. SJP picks PRL up and takes him over to a neutral corner where he proceeds to slam Puerto’s head into the top turnbuckle pad. Popick chuckles as he punches PRL. PRL punches him back! Popick punches PRL! PRL punches him back again! Both men, feeling fatigued, take a few seconds to recover fromt the shots to the head. Tha Puerto Rican hits Popick with a Rock-style punch to the temple. Then another! Then another! Puerto whips Popick into the ropes. Popick bounces off of the ropes, Lindsay slaps Popick’s back, PRL puts his head down, so Popick kicks him right in the face!

 

COACH

Look at that! Awesome!

 

Stephen Joseph bounces off of the ropes…

 

 

 

RIGHT INTO A SPINEEBUSSSTTTTTTAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!

 

COACH

OH NO!

 

The crowd comes to life! PRL gets right back up and looks at the crowd.

 

COACH

UH-OH!

 

Tha Puerto Rican looks down at Stephen Joseph Popick…and kicks Popick’s right arm onto his chest. PRL removes his right elbow pad--MRS. LINDSAY GONZALEZ-POPICK ENTERS THE RING AND CLIMBS ONTO THA PUERTO RICAN’S BACK! MRS. LINDSAY GONZALEZ-POPICK RAKES THA PUERTO RICAN’S EYES!

 

COLE

Oh my!

 

COACH

Yeah!

 

COLE

Lindsay just mounted Tha Puerto Rican from behind!

 

PRL holds his eyes in pain. Lindsay stands behind PRL with an ANGRY look on her beautiful face.

 

*SLAP!*

 

MRS. LINDSAY GONZALEZ-POPICK SLAPS THA PUERTO RICAN RIGHT ACROSS THE FACE!

 

COACH

YES! THAT’S for four years of misery!

 

COLE

Four years of what!? Oh come on!

 

PRL stumbles from the slap. The crowd boos. They boo even more when Popick kicks PRL in the gut and then applies a front facelock on him.

 

COLE

Could be FallenAngel time, Coach!

 

COACH

BREAK HIS FREAKING BACK! MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T EVEN MAKE IT TO ANGLEMANIA VII!

 

COLE

Lindsay is the legal participant now. She made the blind tag so she’s staying in the ring!

 

COACH

Yeah! She’s gonna watch her ex fall right before her very eyes! How many girls would love to see that!?

 

Lindsay stays in the ring and watches as Popick puts PRL’s right arm over his head. He then grabs Puerto’s long red tights--Tha Puerto Rican slips out of Popick’s grasp! Puerto then grabs Stephen Joseph by his head and just throws him right into the Corporate corner, right into Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick!

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

COACH

AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

 

Lindsay is completely out of it! She crumbles onto the mat!

 

COLE

Popick just crashed into his wife!

 

COACH

LINDSAY! WAKE UP!

 

Stephen Joseph is also dazed and doesn’t realized that he just hurt his wife. The male Popick stumbles out of the turnbuckle and walks right into a left hand from Tha Puerto Rican! PRL fires away with punches weakening Stephen Joseph even more than he was before! Punch! Punch! Punch! PRL SPITS INTO HIS LEFT HAND~! Punch! Stephen Joseph goes flying over the top ring rope and onto the floor!

 

COACH

Look out!

 

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican just laid the smackdown on the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion!

 

COACH

GET UP POPICK!

 

Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick charges forward.

 

SPINEBUSTER~!!!!

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

COACH

No! No! No! Don’t tell me! NOT TO HER!

 

COLE

He might! He just might!

 

The crowd comes alive…again! Tha Puerto Rican walks on over and stands tall over the fallen Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick. PRL taunts Lindsay, looks at the crowd, looks at Stephen Joseph on the outside…and then kicks Lindsay’s right arm onto her chest.

 

COLE

He is! He’s gonna do it! He’s gonna do it right this instance!

 

COACH

ARGH! GET UP LINDSAY! GET UP POPICK! SOMEBODY GET UP RIGHT NOW!

 

Tha Puerto Rican removes his right elbow pad and throws it into the crowd. He then does some weird hand signals and then bounces off of the ropes, leaps over Lindsay, and then bounces off of the opposite ropes.

 

COLE

It’s now time for the most electrifying move in professional wrestling, The Puerto Rico Elbow!

 

Tha Puerto Rican stops dead in his tracks…and then drops The Puerto Rico Elbow onto Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick to a big pop from the crowd!

 

COACH

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

COLE

The Puerto Rico Elbow! The Puerto Rico Elbow connects on Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick!

 

COACH

SHE’S A WOMAN FOR CHRISSAKES! SHE’S YOUR EX!

 

COLE

How many men would love to do this to their exes!?

 

COACH

Oh that is so misogynistic, Cole! You should be ashamed of yourself for that comment!

 

Tha Puerto Rican goes for the cover until he sees Maggie Nerdly stretch out her right hand on the ring apron. PRL questions why she’s doing this and Maggie says she wants the tag.

 

THA PUERTO RICAN

Right now?

 

MAGGIE NERDLY

Yes! Right now!

 

Tha Puerto Rican looks to the fans, asking them if he should make the tag. The fans cheer loudly. So PRL shrugs his shoulders and gets up, walking over to his corner and making the tag to Maggie Nerdly.

 

COLE

And now Maggie with the tag!

 

COACH

Lindsay is out cold! What’s Maggie gonna do to her? I can’t watch. Oh yes I can!

 

Popick pulls PRL out of the ring and slams his head on top of the top steel ring step! While back in the ring, Maggie Nerdly has a smile on her face as she picks Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick up. As PRL and Popick brawl on the outside, Maggie Nerdly grabs Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick…AND GIVES HER A HAMMERLOCK DDT~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

 

COLE

Happiness Is Edmonton In Your Rearview Mirror!

 

COACH

What kind of a name for a finishing move is that!?

 

COLE

It isn’t any stranger than half of the stuff Krista or Alix have!

 

COACH

Good point.

 

Maggie Nerdly covers Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick, hooking her right leg. Earl Hebner counts. The crowd counts along. Stephen Joseph Popick and Tha Puerto Rican are still fighting it out on the outside.

 

COACH

This can’t be happening!

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

COACH

NO! THIS CAN’T HAPPEN!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

*DING DING DING* (6:22)

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

“Monster” by Meg & Dia starts playing. Stephen Joseph Popick slides into the ring so Maggie Nerdly quickly slides out and runs up the entrance ramp, a huge smile on her face!

 

COLE

Maggie pinned the Women’s Champion! Maggie pinned Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick!

 

COACH

AWWW! DAMNIT!

 

BUFFER

Here are your winners…the team of MAGGIE NERDLY and THA PUERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

 

Maggie Nerdly throws up the famous Nerdly RAWK~! hand signal on the entrance ramp. She slaps hands with the fans with a smile on her beautiful face. Meanwhile, Stephen Joseph is throwing a temper tantrum inside of the ring as his lovely wife continues to lie on the mat spread eagle following The Puerto Rico Elbow.

 

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican and Maggie Nerdly with a HUGE win tonight on the Road To AngleMania VII! For teaming up for the first time ever, they didn’t do so bad, huh, Coach?

 

COACH

Oh shut up! What an embarassment! Lindsay being pinned by an interviewer? AN INTERVIEWER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! A trained monkey can become an interviewer in the One And Only AngleSault Thread! And don’t think I’m exaggerating. We used to have a drunken fish on the active roster, a trained monkey wouldn’t be so bad compared to THAT!

 

Stephen Joseph Popick continues throwing a temper tantrum inside of the ring. He only momentarily glances at his knocked out wife before going back to throwing his temper tantrum. Meanwhile, outside of the ring, Tha Puerto Rican has grabbed a steel chair and is walking with it in his left hand.

 

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican has a win over BOTH Popicks tonight on HeldDOWN~! Stephen Joseph has a loss in the win/loss column thanks to Tha Puerto Rican and Maggie Nerdly!

 

COACH

It will be a different story at AngleMania VII when it is just the two of them! It will be a different story no doubt about it! Stephen Joseph has Tha Puerto Rican right where he wants him, and he will go in for the KILL at AngleMania VII! AND YOU CAN BANK ON THAT!

 

Tha Puerto Rican gets into the ring with the steel chair in his hands. He stands behind Stephen Joseph, who is asking Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick if she’s all right. Lindsay is knocked out and thus she cannot hear her husband asking her if she is all right. The male Popick stands over his wife asking her again and again if she’s all right as PRL prepares to hit Popick with the steel chair. The crowd buzzes in anticipation.

 

COLE

Uh, Stephen…

 

COACH

LOOK OUT POPICK!

 

Tha Puerto Rican raises the steel chair over his head. He has an evil smile on his face.

 

THA PUERTO RICAN

HEY FOUR EYES!

 

Stephen Joseph Popick turns around.

 

*WHACK!*

 

AND GETS HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH THE STEEL CHAIR~!!!!!!!!!!

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

COACH

OH MY GOD~!

 

COLE

Stephen Joseph is DOWN! BOTH Popicks are down!

 

THA PUERTO RICAN

THAT WAS FOR HEAT!

 

COLE

And PRL saying that chairshot was for Colombian Heat, who was SCREWED out of the OAOAST World Heavyweight Title last Thursday night on the Leap Year Spectacular!

 

COACH

He couldn’t win it, and neither will you, PRL! So just accept it now, rather than later, P.R.!

 

“Monster” by Meg & Dia dies down. Stephen Joseph Popick lies flat on the mat spread eagle, a knot on his forehead. Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick is still knocked out on the mat. Tha Puerto Rican taunts both Popicks with the steel chair in his right hand. Maggie Nerdly laughs at the Popicks misery on the entrance stage.

 

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican is standing tall over both Popicks, over his former fiancée and over his former manager, friend, and “Career Consultant”!

 

COACH

It will be a different story at AngleMania VII! It will be! PRL will CHOKE at AngleMania VII! He will CHOKE AGAIN!

 

COLE

OR he will win the World Heavyweight Title for the first time in his career at AngleMania VII!

 

COACH

HA! Like THAT will ever happen!

 

“Know Your Role 2000” starts playing over the P.A. system. Tha Puerto Rican continues taunting Stephen Joseph and Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick and then drops the steel chair onto the mat. Puerto Rican then heads on over to the nearest turnbuckle corner and climbs the second turnbuckle to raise his hands in the air in victory. The crowd cheers loudly. Tha Puerto Rican then gets off of the second turnbuckle, and then heads on over to another second turnbuckle, stepping over Stephen Joseph and Lindsay along the way. PR hits the second turnbuckle and then raises his right fist into the air and “smells the electricity” ala The Rock. The crowd cheers some more.

 

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican is ready for AngleMania VII! He is ready to become World Heavyweight Champion! Will Tha Puerto Rican achieve his dream and become One And Only AngleSault Thread World Heavyweight Champion for the first time in his 10 year career in 24 days or will he choke in front of over 100,000 fans in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum at the biggest AngleMania of all-time?

 

COACH

I’m leaning towards the latter, personally speaking.

 

COLE

Do you have ANY confidence in Tha Puerto Rican at AngleMania VII?

 

COACH

Nope. He’s doomed. DOOMED I TELLS YA!

 

Tha Puerto Rican gets off of the second turnbuckle and taunts Stephen Joseph Popick and Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick some more. He gives Stephen Joseph Popick the “UP YOURS!” hand gesture, and then gives Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick a D-Generation X “SUCK IT!” CROTCH CHOP~!. The crowd cheers at that. Maggie Nerdly laughs at this from the entrance stage.

 

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican stands tall over Stephen Joseph Popick tonight, but will it be the same story at AngleMania VII in four weeks time? Fans, we are out of time, but we still got 3 more HeldDOWN~!s to go before OAOAST AngleMania VII on March 30th! For Jonathan “Da Coach” Coachman, I’m Michael Cole saying so long from the Nationwide Arena in Columbus, Ohio, and we will see you next week as the Road To AngleMania VII continues!

 

Tha Puerto Rican taunts Stephen Joseph Popick and Mrs. Lindsay Gonzalez-Popick, who are both lying on the mat, spread eagle, sweating and breathing hard. Maggie Nerdly is applauding Tha Puerto Rican on the entrance stage. Tha Puerto Rican continues taunting the Popicks as “Know Your Role 2000” continues playing over the P.A. system and the crowd cheers. The credits roll and we fade out on a shot of Tha Puerto Rican running his mouth on the Popicks, who are both still lying flat on their backs on the mat not moving a single muscle whatsoever.

 

FADE OUT

Edited March 8, 2008 by Ed Wood Caulfield