OAOAST Syndicated 3/something or other

[Patty O'Green 0]

Before the show started viewers were treated to The Love Doctors giving Biff Atlas a prostate exam. Or checking his blood pressure, whatever helps you jerk off at night. Atlas' routine checkup was halted by an intrusion from Cuban Wall. His pocket book suffering from the nasty affects of not being booked terribly often, Wall decided to get a side job of peddling prescription drugs. The problem he had was that he's in no position to actually get these drugs. His solution? Have The Docs write them for him, and then take thirty percent of the profits. Even though it took the stoic Wall all of five seconds to explain this otherwise pretty great idea, Atlas thought it was brilliant. The Docs, being the honorable medical practitioners that they are, and not being stupid enough to incriminate themselves on low rated Syndicated television, were aghast at Wall's request and promptly booted him from their office. Although dejected by their refusal to participate in his scheme, Wall retreated without incident. The Docs were able to go back to their examination of Biff until Wall returned and laid them out with a fire extinguisher. With the Docs laid out, Biff could only wonder when the hell someone was going to come and take this latex glove out his ass.

 

 

Brought to you by American Express

Taped: God only knows in the OAOAST!

First air date: The mystery to stump every mystery.

Announce team: Tony Schiavone and Jesse "The Body" Ventura

Lead correspondent: Tony Brannigan

 

 

After last week's fantastic mainevent the viewing world wondered how on earth would we book a show without The Christ Air Express or The Beverly Hills Blonds. Would we cancel? Replace it with an abridged version of Xanadu? Actually post it on time? No, friends, no indeed. Instead we'd feature Denzel Spencer, Nathaniel Black, Vinny Valentine, The Love Doctors (and you thought they were dead!), and so much more.

 

***Denzel Spencer Vs Nathaniel Black***

Definitely displeased over being the only LI member not to see torneo cibernetico action, Black sought to exercise his many aggressions on Spencer. But the fun loving Jamaican wasn't willing to be anyone's punching bag and tenaciously traded shots with Black. The two brawled across the ring with Black using little more then elbows, and his foe countering with chops and kicks. Finally Black bought himself a minor victory with a blatant knee to the groin followed by a twisting neckbreaker. From there the savage Englishman found great glee in tormenting Spencer with various submission holds targeting the neck. Unfortunately for Black, Spencer wouldn't yield to the rapidly mounting pain and put himself back on the attack after countering a flap jack with a diving lariat. With Black stunned by the sudden reversal of fortunes, Spencer wowed the crowd with an impressive array of martial arts based attacks. But when it came time to put Black down with a gutwrench powerbomb, Spencer lost hold of the slippery Brit and fell victim to an inverted neckbreaker. From there the two played a fast paced game of chess with Spencer throwing out his martial arts moves and Black combating with holds targeting the neck. It looked like Spencer would pull out the win when he hit the Carribean Compactor on his foe. But things fell apart when he went to the top rope for the famed 450 Splash known as the Kinpuppalick. To the fans horror, Black rolled out the way and Spencer violently crash landed onto canvas. As Spencer was left dazed by his painful miss, Black was easily able to submit him with a rear naked choke.

 

Winner: Nate Black, via submission.

 

A preview for this weeks Look Of Love was shown. Alls fair in scripted reality love shows and two thousand dollar dresses as the girls all try their hands at outfitting Krista for her Walk Of Fame Ceremony, Lil Wayne drops by to help Krista, her brother Nick, and Maggie Nerdly judge a good ol fashion rap battle, (just like on Yom Kippur!), and Tony Tourretes' ill chosen remarks about Arabs under the age of thirty with thinning hairlines results in his dismissal from Maya's third grade class president campaign. "I believe that words that degrade individuals have no place in our academic dialogue, whether it's pantsing Grant in the bake sale line in front of his own mom, or during recesses where we stick worms down Adam's pants then push him down a hill." Maya comments at a speech during fingerpainting in art class.

 

After break the perpetually dour Black roamed the backstage area, not at all cheered up by his hard fought victory over Denzel Spencer. His mood delved from horrible to horrific when he encountered Detective Bosley, the man he dumped a catering table on two weeks ago. There wasn't time for tense staredowns before Black began rifling elbows at the officer of the law. Bosley didn't have a chance to exhibit a defense, as Black chucked him through a doorway leading to a janitor's closet. The worst was yet to come for Bos; Black removed the top of a bottle of windex and proceeded to force its contents down Bosley's throat. The only thing that saved Bosley with was intervention from security as well as Black's rival Jamie O'Hara. Feeling no remorse over his attempted murder, Black backed away while promising that O'Hara would be next.

 

***The Love Doctors Vs Brains and Brawn (Vitamin X and Cuban Wall)***

Early on, The Brawn dominated the...uh..love? The Docs took their turns trying to cut the big man down to size, but Wall tossed them around with unshakable ease. He launched them across the ring with belly to belly suplexs, snap powerslams, and managed to throw Pigley to the outside with a gorilla press slam. But X's decision to enter the match made things a little easier on The Docs and they were able to overpower him with fast tagging and a brawling based assault. The X-Man couldn't keep the pace with the Windy City duo and almost met defeat after The Crucifix Powerbomb by Pigley. But X was given an escape after he blasted Pigley with a Floatover DDT. This signature attack gave him the opportunity needed to tag in Wall. There, he and X settled into a steady rhythm of domination. Wall pulverized Pigley with his strength, while X laid into him with varying strikes and taunts. X's cockiness cost them dearly, as when he began the shuffling portion of his shane o mac shuffle Pigley stunned him with the Time Of Death (Michinoku Driver)! Wall realized that move meant the end was near and entered the ring to prevent Pigley from efforting a pin. But he was mowed down by a springboard lariat from Anderson, and soon the Docs were locked in another two on one battle with the hulking brawler. Unlike earlier in the match, the doctors of doctornomics one upped Wall and removed him from the ring with double dropkicks. Without the brawn to provide him with protection, X was quickly put out his misery with the The Lethal Injection.

 

Winner: The Love Doctors via pinfall.

 

***Brock Ausstin Vs Jim Bob***

Unsurprisingly Jim Bob, he of the bland name, was little match for the former Heartland Champion. Austtin nearly beat the life out of Bob from the moment the opening bell rung, terrorizing the journeyman with wild strikes and numerous moves that dropped him directly on his head. Without mounting even one solitary attack, Bob was unceremoniously put away with the F-Stunner-5!

 

Winner: Brock Ausstin, via pinfall.

 

This week's Anglemania hype video featured former world champion and Syndicated correspondent, Tony Brannigan. Tony recollected on some of his favorite Anglemania memories, and his least favorite, before ending with the note that Anglemania is a chance for mere wrestlers to become superstars.

 

***Vinny Valentine Vs Mariachi***

With WARRIOR neither near nor far, the disco duck felt it permissible to take a few pre match pot shots at the greatest e-parody of our era. In his heavy Brooklyn accent, Vinny compared the entire spat with the king of ALDOSTERONE to the episode of Different Strokes where Dudley and Arnold faced advances from pedophile Gordon Jump. Valentine said the audience was Dudley, naively falling prey to WARRIOR's trickery, and stupid bamboozles! He said that they stupidly lapped up whatever crap WARRIOR gave them, and just like Dudley in the end they'd “go out and go down like punks”. They wouldn't ever say no to the junk shoveled on them by WARRIOR until finally there's an eighty year old white dude mounting their hairless, trembling, young black bodies. Valentine proclaimed he was different! He'd never go out like that! He was Arnold, a free independent thinker with an attitude the size of Texas but a heart of 24 karat gold. Proudly, Vinny boasted that he'd follow in the footsteps of Arnold and wouldn't be bullied or seduced into submission by WARRIOR. Just like Arnold, he'd fight the good fight until WARRIOR is off the streets for good. Pleased with his message, Valentine prepared to do battle with Mariachi. That is until he heard the dreadful music that eternally plauges his soul...

 

Workin?, workin? up a black sweat

Workin?, workin? up a black sweat

Workin?, workin? up a black sweat

Workin?, workin? up a black sweat

 

As the audience rose to their feet with cries of anticipation, pink smoke swamped the ring floor, making the area look like a bubblegum factory burned to the ground. The once over confident Valentine was smashed into a rubble of confusion of fear, as the approach of his rival grew ever closer. Curiously unaffected by this sudden catastrophe was Mariachi. But the flamboyant entertainer would add his own twist to the affair when he peeled away his costume to reveal...

 

 

That fantastically appalling sight was all Vinny needed to high tail it to the back like Diana Ross and Pam Grier were waiting bare ass naked. Not displaying the benevolence of last week, WARRIOR promptly gave chase to his enemy, while chopping his hand like a Tomahawk and singing Pop That Pussy by 2 Live Crew.

 

The view switched towards the backstage area, where a ground based camera trailed Valentine, capturing his frantic rush from Warrior. His escape was fraught with numerous sharp and wild turns, almost as if he were trying to navigate a twisting maze with no end in sight. The backstage was a ghost town of darkness, only lit through small blue emergency lights on the walls. This made it monstrously difficult for Vinny to find his footing, and he continued to stumble through the curving hell. Perhaps most frustrating of all, his gator skinned boots kept scuffing the floor, providing Warrior with bread crumbs to trail his retreat. Even as the tearful disco duck pushed the pace of his escape, the horrific off screen singing of Warrior grew louder and more chilling.

 

Pop, pop that pussy

Pop, pop that pussy, baby

Pop. pop that pussy

Hey, pop that pussy, baby

 

Finally a ray of hope shined down upon Vinny's miserable world; he found a bathroom which he dived into as though it were a bomb shelter. Though the room was uncomfortably small with nothing more then a toilet, a window, and a sink all pressed within inches of each other, it was nearly utopia for exhausted Vinny. Or so he thought. Then the sounds of Warrior's axe rasping against the door quickly changed his mind. With each strike of the axe, the white painted pieces of wood fell by the wayside, and Vinny's fear intensified magnificently. After creating a tiny hole in the side of the door, WARRIOR's hand peered into the bathroom, feeling for the doorknob. Sheri king with every breath ins lungs, Vinny launched his eyes across the room for something he could use in his defense. His brown orbs landed on the mirror over the sink, and without a moment of question Vinny brought it to shambles with his boot. He picked up a large shard of glass, then lanced it across Warrior's hand. A cut deep enough to put a normal man on the floor in agony appeared on WARRIOR'S hand. But WARRIOR is no mere mortal, and Vinny's fright was enormous when he watched the cut instantaneously heal itself. As Vinny was reduced to a blubbering puddle, WARRIOR resumed his efforts with the ax. WARRIOR's manic assault was relentless and ferocious and finally paid off by breaking away a huge chunk in the middle of the door. Crippled by the fear of his impending death, Vinny sunk against the wall down to the floor, tears flowing across his trembling face.

 

"SPEAK TO ME, SUPERMAAAANIAAAAACS!!!"

 

FADE OUT