OAOAST Syndicated, whatever todays date is

[Patty O'Green 0]

 

Brought to you by American Express

Taped: don't care enough to check calendar

First air date: see above plz

Announce team: Tony Schiavone and Jesse "The Body" Ventura

Lead correspondent: Tony Brannigan

 

What better way to open the least watched show in syndicated programming history (barely beating out Whoppi Goldberg's talkshow) then with a backstage skit involving Biff Atlas. Our hair fetishist turned nutrition guru turned semi credible midcarder turned environmentalist turned safety inspector was beside himself with horror to have discovered someone had spilled cranberry juice in the hallway and neglected to alert proper maintenance crews. The puddle of red was a sure death (or at least sprained ankle) trap not to mention an attraction for disease carrying bugs. Biff rallied himself to the cause of IDing this shiftless culprit and converted one of the administrative offices into an interrogation room. The montage of his investigation (complete with Pink Panther music) brought out the big guns such as, Zack Malibu, Thedore Moneymaker Landon Maddix, James Cone, Alfdogg, and Lucius Soul..ahem...all of whom concluded that Biff was a total moron. Being called a moron by half the roster was a tolerable experience for Atlas. His true failings came when he made the horrid mistake of placing a long distance call to Krista in California to see if she had any leads. Despite being yanked from the middle of a spa treatment, Krista was oddly polite and actually had a few questions for Biff, “Alright, Biff,” Krista began, “Say you're out in Inglewood or something patrolling the streets, and you see a guy digging a hole without a permit, do you go inside to see if he's doing anything else illegal there? “Without question, I'll put on proper protection, whip my tool out and get right in his hole.” “What if he says no.” “Doesn't matter. I shove him into the ground and make him watch me come inside his hole.” “What if he screams?” “Good. I want it to hurt when I plow into his hole. The more pain it causes the better.” “Would you come into anybody's hole?” “Of course.” “What about Moneymaker's hole?” “Money is no obstacle, I will come inside anyone's hole, man, woman, or child. Especially child, because they need to learn better.” “And hypothetically would you let other people inside your hole?” “Of course. People can come inside my hole as many times as they want. Any hole I've got they can come inside.” “One at a time?” “All at once. Let's make coming inside my hole a group effort.”

 

Alas, Biff's humiliation at Krista's and verizon's hands might've been a touch better then his treatment from the Love Doctors who entered the room shortly after he hung up. The Docs had been the major, actually the only, victims of Biff's blundering attempts to increase safety awareness. And this was their moment for revenge! Together they ripped Biff from his chair and proceeded to hang him out the window by his ankles Suge Knight on Vanilla Ice style. Sure they were only on the first floor, but the shards of broken beer bottles and used condoms on the ground were enough to scare safety conscious Biff into needing a new pair of adult diapers. The Docs informed Biff in no uncertain terms that his behavior was causing them serious anger and that they planned on seriously hurting him and his partner James Riggs tonight in our mainevent. Before the Docs left they concluded their threat with an exclamation point by shutting the window on Biff's ass.

 

***Jessica Jobbs-VS-Widow***

 

It was announced before the match that these two once bitter enemies would engage in a best of five competition over the next several weeks. Certainly they didn't fight like heated rivals with the match starting with a slow feeling out process. They worked each other over with a variety of arm drags, arm locks, and armbars all of which simply resulted in applause from the audience. The intensity of the competition was stepped up somewhat when Jobbs countered a hip toss into a monkey flip. Though Window landed on her feet, she was unable to stop Jobbs from putting her on the mat with a side Russian leg sweep. As the match progressed Widow kept attempting to slow things down and confound Jobbs with a methodical submission based offense. Whereas Jobbs kept going for a home run swing, often times resulting in spectacular failures, such as when her diving lariat was turned into an armbar or her cross body block landed into a body lock. Ultimately Jobbs won the match by the skin of her teeth, avoiding a corner shoulder charge, and rolling Window into a school girl.

 

Winner: Jessica Jobbs, via pinfall. Sereies: Jobbs-1 Widow-0

 

Backstage James Riggs, towel slung over his shoulder, strolled down the hallway, eager to talk strategy with his tag team partner for the night, Biff Atlas. But when he entered Biff's investigation room, he saw the OAOAST's safety inspector bare ass naked, drenched in tears, and haplessly chasing and leaping for his clothes that hung from a spinning ceiling fan to the immeasurable laughter of many superstars. Their pleasure was only magnified when Riggs begin rat tailing Biff's tush! Guess Biff needs a new partner!

 

***The Love Doctors -VS- Biff Atlas and ???***

 

Who did Biff find for a partner but the only person less liked by his co-workers then he, Vinny Valentine. The Disco Duck, now wearing an actual duck shaped life preserver, was delighted to be Biff's partner and promised to stomp the Docs into squaresville hell. I assume such a place is heavy on the My Three Sons reruns and reenactments of the white sox disco demolition derby incident. Anyway, Valentine's promise was definitely looking like one impossible to keep as the match got underway. The Docs beat the life out of the listless duo with never before seen furor. They terrorized Biff and Vinny with suplexes, body slams, and low level top rope attacks. Thankfully, Vinny is semi-competent in the arts of pro wrestling and slowed the bloodbath down by countering a powerbomb into a simple eye rake. From there he maintained control of both Anderson and Pigley with every underhanded tactic known to man. Low blows, chokes, eye rakes, back rakes, spitting, biting were all employed by Valentine. He stopped just short of catapult launching his partner at the doctors.

 

Although he never came close to pinning the docs, he at least delayed his team's inevitable defeat. Things suddenly worsened for Vinny's team when he foolishly brought Biff back into the bout. There slaughter once again became the dish of the day for Biff, who was beaten horrendously by the Docs. Fortunately, Vinny was there to land a helping hand and beat off Pigley...PAUSE...Pigley managed to trade shots with the disco duck and weakened him enough to elevate to the top rope. Unfortunately, Valentine didn't remain groggy for long and with a surge of strength shoved Pigley off the rope and to the outside. All was not well for Vinny though, as Anderson flattened him with a spine buster! With Vinny out the way, Doctor Anderson twirled around to level Biff with a discus punch, and then CRACK, Anderson's hand crashed into a hard hat that Biff had quickly put on! The windy city native reeled backwards in agony, which permitted Atlas to roll up him for a 1-2-3.

 

Winner: Biff Atlas(!!!) and Vinny Valentine(!!!), via pinfall.

 

Backstage we saw Jessica Jobbs receiving high praise for a hard fought match from Jumbo. Also arriving to pay a compliment was Widow. While Widow gave Jobbs plenty of respect, before she left she assured Jobbs she wouldn't fall for the same rollup again, so Jobbs better have a few more tricks up her sleeves.

 

***The Christ Air Express -VS- The Heavenly Rockers W/Abdullah Abir and Holly-Wood***

 

The Heavenly Rockers Vs The Christ Air Express

Looking for a rebound from their unfortunate loss at Anglemania, The Rockers certainly could've faced a much easier opponent then the kids from the great white North. Obviously aware of that fact, The Rockers were none too eager for a fight, and actually came bearing a gift. A gold record with The Express' name on it. Well, the twins came for a fight not to get a gift even the likes of Soulja Boy can obtain. YAAAAH bitch YAAAAAH! Thus the gold record was shattered across the knee of MEL. After that the twins proceeded to shatter the bones of their rivals as the match began like tornado tag affair. Even with their experience in Sin City street fights, The Rockers were totally overwhelmed by The Express' brutality. MARV battered Synth Abdul-Jabbar on the outside, terrorizing him with crazed punches and face slams into the ring apron, before finally suplexing him onto the guardrail. While MEL set himself up to body splash the impaled Jabbar, his brother floored Logan with the Melanoma sitout power slam inside the ring. But right as it looked as if the night would bring and easy victory for the Boiz, the power of allah compelled Synth to get the hell out of the way and MARV crashed into the steel rail. With MARV mashed into a nice juicy Canadian hamburger, Synth dived into the ring and sneak attacked his bro. While Logan recovered from the power slam, Abdul-Jabbar worked MEL over with a brawling offense, limiting his moves to mostly punches and the occasional lariat. Synth seemed more concerned with offering his sallahs (prayers in Muslim) to allah then actually beating his rival. However, he did score huge as his oversized goggles let him shred through MEL's skin with a headbutt. After that, Synth tagged Logan into the match, and retreated to the apron where he joined Abdullah in prayer for Logan's safe return.

 

Apparently their prayers worked, because Logan absolutely slaughtered MEL. Taking advantage of the cut Synth's eye wear opened, Mann did everything in his ability to draw further blood from the Canadian. He hit MEL with a barrage of punches, dropkicks, and bulldogs all which expanded the gash on his forehead. Unfortunately nothing he did could hold MEL down for a pinfall and he was forced to make a tag to Synth. Yet, Synth's earlier luck eluded him in his second go round, for as he lifted MEL off the canvas, he was stunned by an enziguri. Using the cheers of the crowd as motivation, MEL gathered the strength to retreat to his corner and tag in his sibling. MARV was eager to pay back Synth for his earlier transgressions and steamrolled him with a shoulder block. Logan got similar treatment and was put down with a leg lariat. Figuring two Rockers are better then one, the three time tag champs pounced on MARV with forearms and elbow smashes until they were finally able to subdue him into a percussion DDT. But, they spent too much time finger twirling and MEL was able to bust out their grip. For his troubles, Logan was struck down with a Noseplant Rocker Dropper. As bad as that was, Synth was left in even greater hurt as both boys teamed up to send him through the Pearly Gates- Flatliner/Enziguri combo! But all was not well in Nerdly land! For Molly Nerdly and her trusty Siclopse had ventured onto the ring apron. Molly assured the twins this was all a harmless part of her Spinal Tap-seque mockumentary about The Rockers, the CAE didn't care and wanted their sister gone.. Their preoccupation with Molly gave Holly the time needed to leap onto the ring apron and distract the referee. This newest distraction was the key to Abdullah being able to slide Logan the gold record. With two furious swipes both Nerdly boys laid prone on the apron, and so the true king of arrogance, Mann chose to pin them both for an easy three.

 

Winner: The Heavenly Rockers, via pinfall.

 

Editing room genius by Molly Nerdly showed the fallen, blood drenched CAE from a high angle vantage point, giving the viewer the feel that they have some sort of god like perspective. Adding to this feel, was the fact that puffy clouds begin creeping down the corners of the screen with the words “Courtesy Of The Heavenly Rockers” emblazoned in graceful gold cursive lettering.