OAOAST Syndicated 4/the oaoast knows immortality

[Patty O'Green 0]

Brought to you by American Express

Taped: Time is but an error filled construct of man

First air date: I'm srsly dudes fuk time raw dog

Announce team: Tony Schiavone and Jesse "The Body" Ventura

Lead correspondent: Tony Brannigan

 

How might Syndicated survive this week without its stalwarts The Christ Air Express and The Beverly Hills Blonds? Two words: Hot dogs. Read on!

 

***Felix Strutter and Reggie Lamont Vs Rescue 911***

 

Glad to be doing something besides being the repeated victim of Nat Black's attempted murders, Detective Bosley happily began the match for his squad. Sadly he was an immediate weak link. His early attempt to hit the NYPD-DDT was countered into a northern lights suplex by Lamont that nearly earned a three count. After his finisher failure, Bosley was hounded by the fast moving kicks of the dreadlocked superstar. Though, Bosley was able to avoid a scissors kick and transform it into a capture suplex, he had little success following that as Strutter broke up a pinfall with a top rope leg drop. While Cash barked at the referee, the heels double teamed Bosley with a slingshot into a springboard lariat. From there Bosley was worked over by Strutter with a variety of suplexes. Everytime Bosley seemed on the way to staging a comeback, Strutter would shut him down with some type of suplex. After Bosley missed a leaping elbow smash and was countered into belly to belly side suplex, Strutter tagged in Lamont. The Jamaican quickly went to the top for a rare high risk attack. Though his missile dropkick seemed safe enough against the beaten down Bosley, the detective still countered it into a spine buster! With that shocking counter Bosley was finally able to bring his partner into the match.

 

As terrible as Bosley was, Cash was every bit as magnificent. He overtook a charging Strutter with a back body drop, then dealt with Lamont with a spinning powerbomb! Back into picture came Strutter, only be the floored by a Run The Lights (Hart Attack Clothesline). Lamont retired his efforts against Cash but was put down by a Backbrain Wheelkick! At that point, Cash's luck ran out and the Canadian, Strutter, caught him in the back of the head with a high roundhouse kick. But, Bosley was able to pick up where his partner left off and catch the former WDW world champ with the Arrest & Trial (Brainbuster into Rear Naked Choke)! But, right as Strutter was ready to submit (upset of the year!), Lamont pulled Bosley away and crushed him with the O.C. Driver (Sitout front suplex) for a pinfall! WOOWWWWW sez Flavor Flav.

 

Winners: Felix Strutter and Reggie Lamont via pinfall

 

During the commercial we saw a preview for the Look Of Love uncut reunion show on VH1 this Sunday at 9/8 central. Bringing back every cast member besides Shyanne, who's currently awaiting an assignment of a public defender, the show looks back on the rowdy premier season, and even shows never before seen racy footage like a naked Tony Tourettes wrestling a Koala at the LA zoo, Montana Nerdly's ex-girlfriend calling in a bomb threat on the house, Mindy Nerdly's outrageous pole dancing destroying thousands of dollars worth of antique potery, and Shyanne and Krista being on hand for a DEA drug bust in south central! Maybe one day I'll tell you kids who won!

 

After the commercial break, we were shown the exciting sights of the arena parking garage, where Bosley and Cash were despairing over their crushing defeat. Cash was rather optimistic, telling his good friend that they'll be certain to gain a victory next match. Bosley scoffed at such an assertion and commented that he didn't know how that was possible if Cash didn't start “pulling his weight around here.” Bosley walked off, leaving Cash to ponder what match Bosley just watched!

 

Amazingly down 2-0 in her friendly best of five series with Jessica Jobbs, Widow must've been eager to get back on the winning track and avoid a humiliating sweep. However, Widow's desire to right her wrongs wasn't fulfilled this week, as she wasn't scheduled to face Jobbs. Instead she was Tony Branningan's guest at the interview stage. Branningan commented that while Widow has all the talent in the world, it means nothing if she fails to execute it. His question to her was does she think she failed to execute on her tremendous talent. Widow started out by apologizing to her fans, who she felt she had severely let down. However, she would not go as far as to say that her skills had gone to waste being down 2-0, and that merely she had been too focused on a rigid gameplan to claim any victories. Widow reminded us that Jobb's victories, while impressive, weren't clear cut beatings, and that if the breaks had fallen on her side, she'd easily be up 2-0. For whatever reason this prideful proclamation drew out Holly-Wood of all people. As usual with the fire haired vamp, Holly cut right to the point in the most vulgar way possible, claiming that Widow was a “pale faced redneck dumpster slut”, her excuses were “a bunch of crap” and that she sick of hearing Widow “ramble like you're worth jack shit.” Holly said Widow was lucky to even be in the OAOAST, and wouldn't even see screen time if it weren't for who she was sleeping with. Widow understandably took offense to this and challenged Holly to a bout. To which Holly accepted by shoving Widow to the ground. Oh snap sez Flavor Flav!

 

***Holly-Wood Vs Widow***

 

After the commercial break, the two hot tempered beauties were battling it out like prize fighters. They traded punches with hellish intensity, each wanting nothing more then to put the other's head into the 6th row. Finally, Holly was able to gain the upperhand with a rake of Widow's eyes. From there she shoved Widow into the corner and pummeled Mrs.Cone's stomach with stomps and shoulder strikes. Eventually she violently pulled Widow out of the corner and lifted her onto her shoulder for a stomach crusher. But Widow slipped free of the hold and countered with a roll up. However, Holly countered the counter with a double stomp onto Widow's sore stomach. The pain continued to worsen for Widow when Logan's better half sling shotted her back into the corner. As a nauseated Widow stumbled towards the center of the ring, Holly bounced off the ropes for a spear, but Widow snuffed that move out with a simple knee lift! Suffering from a serious headache, Holly was forced to once again engage in an exchange of punches with Widow. Holly looked to be in serious trouble when Widow stunned her with a jaw breaker, then flashed her leg forward for a superkick! However, Holly ducked beneath the strike and elderly referee Clem Buzzlefoxer caught the brunt of the blow. The old man's possible death gave Holly the opportunity she needed to remove a pair of brass knucks from her tattered jeans. But before she could turn around to level Widow, Jobbs appeared on the ring apron, and attempted to wrestle the weapon from Holly's hands. But Jobbs' well meaning efforts proved costly, as the struggle saw Holly's knuck covered hand fly back and smack Widow in the jaw! Jobbs was horrified and sunk down to her knees in shame and shock. Holly, on the other hand, was as thrilled as her typically unemotional state can possibly allow and pinned Widow for an easy victory.

 

Winner:Holly-Wood, via pinfall

 

After the contest, Jobbs apologized profusely for her error. Although Wdiow's mouth spoke of forgiveness, her frowning face betrayed such kindness.

 

Before the break, perennial enhancement talents Scottish Scott and Danny Boy were shown standing at Skye's Portee Harbor on a dreary drizzly day. Wearing makeup that streaked a blue line across their faces, kilts and a brown mesh shirt, the gents decried their countrymen as weak, lazy, and complacent and irrelevant. Sottish Scott and Danny Boy informed the viewers that they were none of those things, they were powerful warriors, and fearless soldiers, a nod to Scotland's past. They called themselves The Last Kings of Scotland, and promised to revolutionize their country.

 

***D*LUX Vs The Last Kings Of Scotland (Scottish Scott and Danny Boy)***

 

In an odd effort to attract the attention of a lesbian who doesn't even watch this show, D*LUX anointed this match the official “Yo, Krista rules!” match, and perhaps most odd of all dressed themselves way too similar to Krista, in cut off Kobe jerseys, shimmering blond wigs, and ruffled purple mini skirts. “Kareem just had a heart attack” Jesse cried. Thankfully the youngsters didn't look that ridiculous because Danny Boy and Scott were wearing kilts after all. And so was some of the audience for that matter. Tyler and Shayne seemed more intent on using as many of Krista's signature moves as possible then winning a match, which made for a very, very, awful night for their European foe. One horribly painful incident for Scott came when Tyler decided Krista's version of the side effect the “Blonds Never Pay a Cover “ would look better if he just picked up Scott and dropped him on his head. In typical Krista fashion, the teenyboppers would strike poses, and taunts after big moves; brushing their hair, checking their non existent makeup, singing a few songs from the soundtrack of Almost Famous, etc. Finally D*LUX put away their foes with the Elizabeth, I'm coming to join ya honey (Reverse x-factor)! Unfortunately, their post match imitation of Krista's love for a fine beer or two or three or four or five or six, led to some near vomiting. Stick to sunny delight, kids!

 

Winner: D*LUX, via pinfall

 

***Jamie O'Hara Vs Uno W/Dos***

In a bit of terrible strategy, Uno attempted to match the high flying talents of O'Hara. Unfortunately his lack of any noticeable wrestling talent meant this was destined to be a brutal failure. While he managed a few victory rolls and sunset flips early on, once O'Hara began throwing out waves of spring board attacks Uno was put on the fast track to defeat. Even Dos' effort to perform the old switcharoo was useless and O'Hara took out both Conquistadors with the Blaze Out 630! YA BOYYYYY sez Flavor Flav

 

Winner: Jamie O'Hara via pinfall.

 

Tired of having syndicated be derided as a deviant, socially destructive commentary of a decaying society, the OAOAST decided to lend a much needed touch of class to its maligned program by staging the OAOAST's first ever hotdog eating contest...

 

 

***Hot Dog Eating Contest: Jumbo Vs Deuce Deuce***

 

Gathered in the ring were several other superstars with nothing better to do then watch two hideous lard asses chew themselves into an early demise. Their focus rested on tag team partners Deuce Deuce and Jumbo both clad in bibs that read “The real hot dog's down there”. See? Class. Tony Schiavone announced the rather simplistic rules of the contest, whoever ate the most hot dogs within three minutes, or whoever didn't have a stomach ulcer, would be declared the winner and would receive a free stomach pumping courtesy of The Love Doctors. Without further adieu we began to spiral America further and further into the pits of hell.

 

Jumbo and Deuce ate ferociously, scarfing down the food as though their life depended on it. And with a free stomach pumping on the line, I'm pretty sure their life did depend on it. As the buzzer blared the end of the contest, shocked gasps from the spectators revealed that these juggernauts of high cholesterol, had gorged their way into a gluttonous deadlock. Murmurs of speculation went up across the area, as people wondered how this stunning tie might be broken. Unfortunately, complications as unforeseen as the tie arose, the freakish pigs had gobbled up all the hot dogs! Though dejected, the audience was ready to call it a battle well fought, and leave to contemplate the OAOAST's role in the continued destruction of western civilization. That was until the booming Chicago accent of Jumbo froze them in place. The beast of blubber stated that a competition between men of as honorable reckoning as them must see a winner. And so he declared an overtime rap battle!!! Thankfully James Riggs had an instrumental of Nas' one mic on the Ipod and gave us a beat....

 

"One Mic" should you need to hear it

 

JUMBO

Ayo

All I need is one bite, one teeth,one day

One man, Bacon cheeseburger with one lays

Only if I had one cook. One chef, just one, sure

One hoodrat, to make sure the sugar in my kool aid was pure

Redder than some chicken blood. Mixed with

one side of greens, Shit for that I'd probably kiss a thug

My ritual. Chop food up make it spiritual

My plates gorgeous, its poetic plus so lyrical

Say watch your weight? Man, I ain't hearing you

Buffet got rules? That's something I'm not adhering to

With my gut I got up

To get another plate

Manager runs up, trying to get all in my face

I said boss, watch out. You're vi-olating my space

Let me get my food, before I destroy this place

(SCREAMING)

This is my stomach, Ima eat til the death of me

Now boss you need to move on

While Jumbo still calm

look dude, I'm not wasting no food

You'll throw it out at the end

So theres no need for you to be crude

In this world with thin standards

rich folks fly on coptors

Taking trips to liposuction getting skinny with doctors

if you really think you ready to dine

With knives out

This is what Jumbo about

Man dinner is now

 

As Deuce and Jumbo rap the gathered superstars threw their hands in the air and waved them as if they had no concern for the repercussions or consequences of their actions.

 

DEUCE

Look back, at all the kids who made fun of me. Fuck all of them

John Candy died at age 600 pounds

Rip

If he was still here. Me and fat ass could go boogie down

That means if we was walking we'd put holes in the ground

my penis on the milk carton

Shit nowhere to be found

Deuce gonna crave all the times

But all my meals get interrupted, bitch

telling me diet some time

Got too much back hair

kids roll up, thinking that I'm a bear

Shit, my heart is racing

I smell some ham in the air

(SCREAMING)

I sipped the diet coke, too many years, too many times

Now I just inject bacon grease

I'm finally reaching my prime

(louder)

If you can smell food through a ziplock

You good, put that shit in a lip lock

Do more than just hold it

Squeeze the bag until the shit pop

Its nothing in our way

I bite

You bite

I chew

You chew

I'm finished and still fuckin' hungry

Whats about you?

Time to take the waitress to war

Lie the whore down and rush the kitchen get the booty

My dinner time is now

 

JUMBO

All i need is one fry, one sprite

One sip from one can

What I stand for speaks for itself

They don't understand, don't wanna see me on top

They insignificant

Talkin all that slick stuff cause my waist size is infinite

(voice softens)

To late to tell fables, I'm laughing, cuz I'm a fat bastard

Thought i wouldn't eat that spoiled meat?

Fooled you bastards

How you cite the Iraq plight?

Stupid dudes beefing

War got deep, i said fuck that

I'm eating

Dining with thick broads

Knifing up that steak like I'm behind prison walls

Where does it start?

Knew my habit was bad as a youngster

Every night moms was giving me dinner

still I was eating out Wendy's dumpsters

Packets of Ketchup and mustard

Church shirt was stained

Nutritionists throwing diets at my game

Jealous cause every day I eat burger kang

bitches left me cause they thought I would eat em

yeah it was true

I let them leave

My hunger deserve freedom

A1 sauce will blind ya

I never make the same mistake

Never order just one steak

I need like six.

See now the king is straight.

(sissy whisper)

Swelling my belly because all of these fats hydrogenated

Can't name a restaurant Jumbo ain't dominated

This is crazy

I'm on the right path, a winner is found

At a new buffet

Dinner time is now

All i need is one bite one bite.......

All i need is one bite one bite......

All i need is one bite one bite......

All i need is one bite one bite.......

 

There was a sudden swelling of applause that built into a thunderous ovation that hailed the victory of both Jumbo and Deuce. However, celebration for the two combatants was painfully short lived, due to the unwelcome interference of Faqu and James Blonde. Faqu effortlessly mowed through Deuce with a Thrust Kick As Deuce went down, his partner sprung (err waddled) into action and begin pumping punches into Faqu's noggin. These blows did nothing but further enrage the Samoan, and he sent Jumbo tumbling to the ground with a headbutt. While the wiser superstars scattered for safety, the more brave ones attempted to challenge the savage. Los Diablos for instance, attempted to subdue Faqu with repeated shots from the serving trays. Faqu's response was swift and brutal; swatting away both Mexicans with a single swipe of his hand. Spanish Fly staged a grand effort to bring down Faqu, leaping from the top rope, and landing on his expansive shoulders. But Fly never stood a chance of bringing Faqu down, and was flung forward over the ropes. Liberty, Freedom, and a recovered Jumbo charged the beast. But, Faqu immediately seized Freedom and used the man as living bat in which to pummel the other two, sending Freedom crashing through tables and chairs. An approaching security guard was flung high helpless as a doll and sailed the full length of the arena before his body smashed limply against the ringposts. The show faded to black with Faqu obliterating any security guards that were foolish enough to test him, and James Blonde broadly smiling in the background. Faqu is a bad dude is he not?