OAOAST Milan/Miley Cyrus Spectacular

[Patty O'Green 0]

THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM IS RATED TV-MA

 

PRESENTED IN HD

 

A winding empty country road lies beneath a dreary, miserable central European day. For miles there's nothing in sight but rolling hills, asphalt, and the depressing grey that overwhelms the earth. Then a gigantic long distance bus peacefully rolls into sight from the bottom of the screen.

 

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping

While my guitar gently weeps

I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping

Still my guitar gently weeps

 

The view switches to the inside of the bus, which is filled to its seating capacity with numerous OAOAST Superstars. There's none of the comrade or fun and games you might expect on an OAOAST road trip. Instead the superstars' mood is as melancholy and somber as the The Beatles' While My Guitar Gently Weeps and the weather outside.

 

I don't know why nobody told you

How to unfold your love

I don't know how someone controlled you

They bought and sold you

 

The superstars never place their eyes on one another. They're to entranced with what they see staring back at them out the window. For every person its a different image that burns into their mind. PRL sees the joys of his Anglemania world title victory, only to come crashing back down to earth with the sight of being beat down by the Deadly Alliance. These images are opaque, layered over the actual country side, and the gray landscape lends them a touch of helplessness

 

I look at the world and I notice it's turning

While my guitar gently weeps

With every mistake we must surely be learning

Still my guitar gently weeps

 

Zack sees the image of Bohemoth refusing to shake his hand, and his brow furrows in disgust. But in the seat directly across from him, Bohemoeth sees images of Zack's three title wins and he fumes in billowing rage.

 

I don't know how you were diverted

You were perverted too

I don't know how you were inverted

No one alerted you

 

With a tear stained face, Vinny Valentine watches images of the last disco in America being changed into a biker bar. The pain of having no place cater to his white leather pants fetish causes him to fall into the aisle a bawling wreck. Moneymaker sees the stern defiant face of Anglesault staring back at him, almost daring him to step through the window and come to blow. Trust me there were more images but this song is just short on the vocals!

 

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping

While my guitar gently weeps

Look at you all...

Still my guitar gently weeps

 

As the closing guitar riffs take over the for the vocals we see the bus continuing it solemn trek down the European countryside. When the song finally ends we see a more traditional introductory video...

 

that's actually a pretty catchy song no pedo here b

 

 

 

The camera pans slowly in an extreme wide shot across the arena. The venue is littered with thousands of screaming and hollering Italian fans, who have certainly come dressed for the occasion. Many have decked themselves out as imitations of their favorite OAOAST superstars, and far too many have decided to adorn the assless chaps of Mariachi from this month's OAOAST:OUT magazine centerfold. More modest fans have brought banners that stretch across entire rows.

 

COLE (O.S.)

The Milian.Miley Cyrus Spectacular isn't our last stop on the European Vacation/odd celebrity obssessions, but it may just be our biggest!

 

Staying true to the spectacular name, towering pillars of green, red and white fireworks blaze down the entrance ramp and reach to the very heights of the arena. Behind this impressive display lies the even more impressive entrance stage, which is a stunning replica of the world famous Milan Cathedral. Bathed in caressing green and red lights it manages a pose that's all it once imposing and majestic. Its balcony is given a touch of OAOAST styling as the video screen stretches across it.

 

COLE

Michael Cole sitting alongside the Coach for our latest TSM Spectacular! Welcome one and all!

 

COACH

You know what I love about these things? They're overblown HeldDOWN's, but I'm still getting mo money mo money mo. Up in the club stickin stacks in thongs, while you back in the hotel in pink umbros and neon green flip flops and fanny back burning dick scented candles and doin the get low to the NBA on NBC song on Casio walkman

 

COLE

John Tesh is the Timbaland of decade old primetime sports themesongs. Folks, tonight promises to be another amazing episode in the OAOAST history books, so let's get right into it! We kick this Milan Spectacular off with women's action, more importantly Women's Title action! Our good friend and part-time colleague Maggie Nerdly makes her first televised title defence since she dethroned Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez in the month of March, taking on Mackenzie DeCenzo. And things really heated up last week in Glasgow, during a six-person tag team match...

 

 

On her hands and knees, Mackie offers Maggie her diamond bracelet in exchange for being allowed to leave, but the OAOAST Women’s Champ wants none of that and delivers a mega BITCHSLAP!

 

"YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

 

Suddenly the rest of the ENTERPRISE hit the ring. Theodore Moneymaker blasting MEL from behind as CPA grabs a hold of Maggie. STOCKMARKET CRASH on MARV!

 

* DINGDINGDING *

 

Charles Robinson calls for the bell, but the Enterprise isn’t through yet. Theodore hands Mackie the OAOAST Women’s Championship which she uses to cold-cock Maggie!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

COLE

What can of a human being hits somebody with a blunt object while another person holds them back? This is appalling!

 

The Enterprise continue to do a number on the Nerdly clan as Molly keeps the Siclopse rolling instead of helping to put an end to the violence. The mayhem ends once OAOAST officials arrive on the scene.

 

MONEYMAKER

You see, Anglesault. This is only a taste of what happens to those who get on my bad side. Time is still on your side…but it’s running out quickly.

 

 

COLE

...and while we can only speculate what that meant from Moneymaker's point of view, it was a clear message from Mackenzie who has been even more bitter and even more vindictive ever since her public humiliation at AngleMania VII. She wants to make somebody pay and she wants the Women's Title in the process.

 

COACH

And you've gotta believe that's exactly what's gonna happen. We've seen the way Mackenzie's ran through Jade Rodez, Duncan, whatever... and last week she ran through Maggie just as easily.

 

COLE

With the help of her Enterprise cohorts, as we just saw.

 

COACH

They were coming in after MEL and MARV. Maggie just got in the way, that's all. Otherwise, Mackie would have dealt with her, no sweat. Just like she will tonight.

 

COLE

Well we'll see in a few moments, as we go up to Michael Buffer to get this historic evening underway.

 

 

*DINGDING!*

 

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the opening contest of the OAOAST Milan Spectacular, live on TSM, scheduled for one fall... and it is for the OAOAST WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP!!!

 

The Milan crowd cheer in anticipation for the show getting underway, but the cheers soon turn to jeers as the electric beats of "Sex and Money" by Paul Oakenfold and Pharell Williams begin to pump through the arena and out through the entrance sweeps the challenger. Head high and nose upturned, Mackenzie DeCenzo swaggers out with a determined look on her face as she stops and holds her hands on her hips. Catching all this on the trusty Siclopse is Molly Nerdly, assigned Enterprise back-up duty tonight it would seem. Molly gets ahead of Mackie and films her grandiose walk to the ring, hogging all the best camera shots and making life generally awkward for the lowly OAOAST cameramen.

 

BUFFER

Introducing first, she is the challenger. Being accompanied to the ring by her fellow Enterprise member, MOLLY NERDLY! Hailing from Los Angeles, California... she is the Chief Financial Officer of The Enterprise... ladies and gentlemen, MMAAACCKKEEEEENNNZZZIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE... DDEEEEEEEE - CCEEEEEEENNZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

A typical air of arrogance surrounds Mackenzie as she climbs into the ring, giving the crowd a stern look. Mackie climbs the turnbuckles, caught in a dramatic upshot by Molly which will surely feature on any highlight videos of her victory.

 

COACH

Mackenzie looks confident, Michael.

 

COLE

She usually does. Usually because she's got some sort of scheme concocted. Speaking of which, Molly Nerdly at ringside.

 

As Mackenzie talks 'strategy' with Molly, giving Michael's theory a little more weight, the opening to Paramore's "CrushCrushCrush" begins to play and the fans in Milan react with wild cheers. Green and gold lights flash at the sight of the entrance way, while pillars of smoke burst upwards around the energetic figure of Maggie Nerdly! Skipping out she makes her way down the aisle, showing off her red, green and white wristbands as she throws up two doses of RAWK~! You could accuse her of shamelessly playing to the crowd. And, you'd be right.

 

BUFFER

And her opponent! From Edmonton, Alberta Canada! She is the vivacious voice of the OAOAST and the host of the Afterparty, every Thursday on OAOAST.com... AND, she is the reigning and defending OAOAST Women's Champion... MMMAAAAAAAGGIIIIIIEEEEEEE... NNEEEEEEEERRRRRRRDDLLLLLLYYYYYYYY!!!

 

Maggie waves 'Hi' to the fans on one side as she slides into the ring...

 

 

 

 

...but only makes it halfway before Molly Nerdly grabs her ankle, allowing Mackenzie to get the jump on her!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

COLE

What did I tell you?

 

 

*DINGDINGDING!*

 

Mackenzie stomps away on Maggie, while Molly takes up her position in the corner and behind the Siclopse under a warning from the ref. Stomping away, Mackie leaves Maggie laying and strides away, preening her hair while pretending to listen to the referee as he issues the same warning to her.

 

COLE

Look at the arrogance out of Mackenzie DeCenzo.

 

COACH

Nevermind that, look at the positioning.

 

Sure enough, with the referee tied up, Molly comes running over and chokes Mackenzie across the bottom rope as she tries to pull herself back up!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

COLE

Molly Nerdly proving she's a great fit for The Enterprise. That's her own sister she's choking, with no sign of remorse!

 

COACH

That's what siblings do Cole. Especially Nerdly siblings, none of them get along really. The perils of being a twenty-second child.

 

Molly gets back behind the camera before she can be caught, leaving Maggie gasping for breath. Strolling over, Mackenzie pulls her off the ropes and strikes her in the upper back with a forearm. And a second. Spinning Maggie around, the Money Honey then grabs the wrist and pulls her into a kneeling Short Arm Clothesline! Hook of the leg...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

No!

 

Pressing her knee in Maggie's back, Mackenzie grabs two handfuls of the Women's Champion's hair and pulls back...

 

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!"

"FOUR!"

 

Mackenzie breaks the count, pulling strands of hair from her fingers before pulling back again!

 

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!"

"FOUR!"

 

MACKENZIE

WOULD YOU STOP COUNTING ME!

 

Referee Brian Hebner looks surprised to be shrieked at and does as he's told. It takes him a couple of seconds to get his wits back about him and realise Mackenzie is still pulling away at the hair, at which point he quickly demands a break.

 

COLE

This is the thing with Mackenzie, she's got a real mean streak in her.

 

COACH

You don't make it in business to the level she has without being ruthless.

 

Pulling Maggie to her feet, Mackenzie leads her into the corner and introduces her to the top turnbuckle. Mackenzie then sets Maggie up top, clubbing her in the back. Again. And a third time, before a tug on the top pulls Maggie down into the tree of woe! Maggie is already in pain even before Mackenzie has strolled leisurely across the ring, lining the Women's Champion up and relying on Molly to keep the ref busy before she runs in... and delivers a dropkick to the face of the hanging Maggie!

 

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

 

As Maggie falls from her woeful position, Mackenzie takes a moment to taunt her before turning her over and covering...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

NO!

 

Mackenzie shoots a glare at the referee and demands a quicker count next time. The Italian crowd try to will Maggie back into the action and she tries to respond. Everybody loves a trier. Except Mackenzie, apparently, as she kicks her in the back to stop her getting back up.

 

COLE

Don't count the Women's Champion out just yet folks. Maggie is a gamer.

 

COACH

I thought that was Melody?

 

COLE

That wasn't exactly what I meant.

 

Hooking Maggie up, Mackenzie delivers a vertical suplex. Off the ropes, she then drops the big elbow and looks for the pin again...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

NO!

 

Still unhappy with the standard of refereeing, Mackenzie chastises Hebner. In the meantime, Molly gets some good camera shots of her sister's suffering and gives the OAOAST camera a thumbs up.

 

COACH

Man, I can't wait to get my hands on the director's cut of this one when it's done. Sure to be a poignant portrayal of human suffering.

 

COLE

The suffering of Molly's own sister.

 

COACH

Yep. So? She's used her family as photographic subjects before. You should see Melvin and Marvin's audition rehearsals for the Edmonton amateur dramatic group's performance of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone if you want true human suffering.

 

Mackenzie pulls Maggie back up in a front facelock and clubs her in the back. And again. Down to a knee falls Maggie, drawing a big smile from Ms. DeCenzo as she sets her up. The suplex doesn't work this time though, as Maggie gets her foot around Mackie's and blocks! Mackenzie goes for it again... but again it's blocked. And Maggie stuns Mackenzie with a suplex of her own!

 

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

 

COLE

Alright! Maggie Nerdly, fighting back, Mackenzie took way too much time arguing with the referee.

 

Both ladies get back up and Mackenzie strikes first with a forearm. Maggie strikes right back with a forearm of her own. Shaking it off, Mackenzie lays in another forearm and dares Maggie to hit her back. Which she does, with two quick open palms and a spinning backfist! Stunned, Mackenzie is sent for the ride with an irish whip and knocked down on the rebound with a jumping clothesline. Another whip... and another clothesline knockdown. Firing up the Italians, Maggie looks for another whip, only for Mackenzie to reverse. But Maggie is prepared for that and wipes out the Money Honey with a Thesz Press and starts slamming the back of her head off the canvas repeatedly!!

 

COLE

Look at the fire and the passion of the Women's Champion!

 

COACH

That's no way to treat a lady!

 

Maggie gets back up, waving Mackenzie back to her feet. The Enterprise's CFO is reeling and she walks into a boot, Maggie ducking in low and pulling off a backflip Northern Lights Suplex!!

 

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

 

COACH

AH! Neither is that!

 

COLE

She calls that the Swagger Jacker and I have know idea what that means except a possible three count...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

COLE

No, so close!

 

Screaming at Mackenzie to get back up, Maggie measures her and comes off the ropes...

 

 

 

 

...but gets tripped by Molly from the floor!!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

Maggie manages to keep her feet and tries to go after her sister, which proves a mistake. Mackenzie charges in and hits her with a knee in the back, then pulls her out of the ropes into a schoolgirl...

 

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

FEET ON THE ROPES...

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

 

Mackenzie can't believe it and gets right back on the referee's case.

 

COLE

What a travesty that would have been. Just as Maggie was building some momentum, again her sister sticks her nose in... I wonder how much of a payday she's been promised for a Mackenzie victory?

 

Grabbing Maggie by the hair, Mackenzie delivers two hard knee to the ribs. Arrogantly she throws Maggie to the ground and strides around the Women's Champion waiting to deliver a big final blow.

 

COACH

Here we go.

 

COLE

Mackenzie, measuring the Women's Champion, not sure what she could be looking for here.

 

COACH

Brain cells? A modicum of class? Her boyfriend? All strangely missing from where I'm looking.

 

As Maggie pulls herself up, off the ropes comes Mackenzie. The Money Honey catches Maggie on her way back up and brings her right leg scything down, looking for a Scissors Kick... but Maggie senses danger coming and pulls her head out of the way, then catches Mackenzie with a backslide...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO!

 

Mackenzie comes back up in control of Maggie, thanks in part to two more handfuls of hair. The influential challenger pulls Maggie into a knee to the gut. She then hooks her up, looking to deliver the Cash Flow!

 

COLE

Uh-oh, Mackenzie looking for that dangerous Fisherman's DDT. If she hits this, we could have a new Champion...

 

 

 

...but she doesn't, as Maggie surprises her with an inside cradle...

 

MOLLY

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO, KICKOUT!

 

Sensing trouble for her superior, Molly gets desperate and slides a CLAPBOARD into the ring, then shows why she's a director and not an actor by doing an awful job of pretending she 'accidentally dropped it' and trying to climb in to retrieve it.

 

COLE

Get her out of here already!

 

COACH

She's just trying to call for another take.

 

COLE

She's ON the take more like.

 

COACH

What the hell is THAT supposed to mean!?

 

Brian Hebner makes sure Molly keeps out of the ring, just as he's expected to do by Mackenzie. With his back turned, she picks up the discarded clapboard and conceals it in her arms while a distracted Maggie walks over to try and get rid of her sister.

 

COLE

That's what it means... she's setting up Maggie here!

 

COACH

The Women's Champ is about to be on the end of a really nasty director's cut!

 

Molly keeps the referee tied up, long enough for Mackenzie to catch Maggie's eye. The Women's Champion turns around...

 

 

 

 

 

 

...but she DUCKS... AND MACKENZIE ENDS UP BRINGING THE CLAPBOARD DOWN UPON MOLLY'S HEAD INSTEAD!!!

 

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

 

COLE

Oh yeah! There's some poetic justice!

 

As Molly plummets to the floor, Mackenzie shows a distinct lack of concern for the unpaid intern and just curses her bad luck. She has even more to curse about when she turns around though, walking into a kick and finding HAPPINESS IS EDMONTON IN YOUR REARVIEW MIRROR!!

 

COLE

Got her!

 

Maggie hooks the leg and RAWKs along with the count...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3!!!

 

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

 

*DINGDINGDING!*

 

COLE

The Women's Champion survives and retains despite the best efforts of The Enterprise's females!

 

"CrushCrushCrush" hits again as the Women's Champion is re-united with her title belt.

 

BUFFER

Your winner of the match and STILL the OAOAST Women's Champion... MMAAAAGGIIIIIIIEEEEEE... NNEEEEERRRRRDDLLLLLYYYYYY!!!

 

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

 

Relieved to have dodged the bullet, as it were, Maggie rolls to the floor and celebrates the victory with the Milan fans who supported her. Slapping hands around ringside, Maggie stops at the side of the Siclopse, sending a personal "better luck next time" message to her sister, which will no doubt come as a surprise when she eventually wakes up and checks the tape. Maggie then points the Siclopse down at Molly laid out on the floor just to further annoy her, before she skips back off down the aisle to continue her celebrations.

 

COLE

Some would call Molly egotistical to star in her own production, but I think we can excuse her this time around.

 

COACH

Is no-one going to help Molly out?

 

Mackenzie sits up holding her head and looks absolutely furious at her defeat. So furious, she immediately leaves the ring and storms off.

 

COLE

I guess not. More Milan Spectacular, coming up!

Edited May 6, 2008 by King Cucaracha

[Patty O'Green 0]

With Natasha Bedingfield's Pocketful of Sunshine serenading us we fly over Milan's Brera district a an artistic haven with wonderful private private galleries in Via Brera, Via del Carmine and Via Solferino, as well as ideal shopping destinations.

 

 

We return to the arena with Los Diablos whimsical entrance video, a zany parody of the James Bond films, playing across the cathedral balcony.

 

It's raining men - Hallelujah

It's raining men - Amen

It's raining men - Hallelujah

It's raining men - Amen

 

The male version of COD, minus all the success, prance onto the pink and yellow lit stage bumping and grinding against each other before skipping down the aisle hand and hand.

 

BUFFER

The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, accompanied by MARIACHI… from sunny Cabo San Lucas, one half of the sexist team in AAAAALL of México… MORACCA!

 

"YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

 

COACH

Aw, man. I wish the rumor INS picked up these guys was true.

 

COLE

It was. Luckily for them -- and OAOAST officials -- tonight’s event is being held in Milan, Italy, though I’m sure it won’t be long before Los Diablos de Fuego will be allowed back on U.S. soil.

 

COACH

Yeah, all they’ll have to do is cross the border. Again.

 

Los Diablos sandwich Michael Buffer in a humorous/disturbing moment. Then an unfamiliar piece of music begins playing.

 

My dick cost a late-night fee

Your dick got the HIV

My dick plays on the double feature screen

Your dick went straight to DVD

My dick: bigger than a bridge

Your dick look like a little kid's

My dick: large like the Chargers, the whole team

Your shit look like you're 14

 

Out from the back emerges former Lone Star Gunslinger Jock Mulligan in white short shorts/chaps with red heart emblazoned on crotch and sort of a see through backside with the word “DICK” written across.

 

BUFFER

And, ladies and gentlemen, his opponent… from San Antonio, Texas, weighing 232 pounds… “MR. DICK” JOCK MULLIGAN!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

COLE

Quite a fashion statement being made by Jock Mulligan.

 

COACH

Ahem. Mr. Dick.

 

* DINGDINGDING *

 

The flaming luchador can’t keep his eyes off Jock, absolutely mesmerized by his wild attire. Flattered by the attention Jock takes Moracca’s hand and rubs it all over his chest.

 

* awaked hush, scattered boos *

 

MORACCA

 

Suddenly, Jock pulls Moracca in close and delivers an INVERTED ATOMIC DROP…

 

MORACCA

 

…followed by a CLOTHESLINE FROM LINE!!

 

COACH

I don’t know what Mr. Dick calls that, but it’s definitely a shock to the cock. Hey! The Cock Shock.

 

The cover.

 

ONE…

 

TWO…

 

NO!

 

Mr. Dick isn’t through yet. He whips Moracca into the ropes and connects with a beautifully executed standing dropkick. Rather than go for the pin Jock snaps Moracca over and drops the big leg. Talking smack to Moracca he makes the cover.

 

ONE…

 

TWO…

 

NO!

 

For a second time Mr. Dick breaks his own cover and receives an earful from referee Earl Hebner. Jock “accidentally” thumbs Moracca as he scoops him across his shoulders…AND THEN SLAMS HIM DOWN ON BOTH KNEES!!!

 

COLE

Oh, a devastating double knee gutbuster.

 

Third time’s the charm?

 

ONE…

 

TWO…

 

THREE!!!

 

* DINGDINGDING *

 

BUFFER

Here is your winner… “MR. DICK” JOCK MULLIGAN!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

In a sign of good sportsmanship, Jock helps Moracca to his feet and shakes his hand…only to floor him with a forearm smash flush to the face!

 

COLE

Hey, come on. That’s uncalled for.

 

COACH

You can say that again. I can’t believe Moracca would try to cheap shot Mr. Dick after shaking his hand. What poor sportsmanship on his part.

 

Mariachi steps in, but he too is knocked on his ass courtesy of a forearm. Mr. Dick then grabs both legs and gives Mariachi a HEADBUTT TO THE GROIN!!

 

COLE

Jock Mulligan just being a dick now. He’s already won the damn match.

 

A big shit-eating grin on his face, Jock exits peacefully after that violent display.

 

COACH

Impressive win for Mr. Dick, wouldn't you say?

 

COLE

I may not like him anymore, but I certainly respect his in ring ability. Hopefully that we'll be the last of Mister Mulligan tonight! Folks, this TSM Spectacular will return in a few moments!

 

LATER

LIFE IN THE FAB LANE

MOLLY NERDLY AND THE SICLOPSE TAKE US INSIDE THE HOME OF KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN

 

AND

***THE MAINEVENT***

TODD CORTEZ VS LANDON MADDIX

 

[Patty O'Green 0]

 

Returning from the last commercial break we see the beautiful uniquely Italian architecture of the The Velasca Tower with Gavin Rossdale's Can't Stop The World playing in the background. Bush was a good band, but yo this dude fell the fuck off. ah well he still gets to sleep with gwen stefani. if thats fallin off, then i wouldn't ever get up.

 

(The shot on the screen during this commentary is Sly Sommers coming to the ring, with "Orange Crush" by REM blaring over the PA system)

 

COLE

Up next is a bout based on a challenge last week on HeldDOWN~!...

 

COACH

Correction: it's based on comments made by Sly Sommers during a sit-down interview a month ago on HeldDOWN~!, where he claimed that James "Phoenix" Cone was not "main event material".

 

COLE

From that point on, Phoenix has been trying to track down Sly, looking for answers as to why he feels the way he does...but the paths haven't crossed at the right times, I guess.

 

COACH

After a dominant victory on HeldDOWN~! last week, Phoenix finally got to confront Sly about it, who accused him of a lack of passion, which led to Sly challenging him to a match here tonight to show him that passion first-hand!

 

(Sly's in the ring, then the opening guitars of BAaI echo throughout the arena, a moon rising on the screen throughout the opening lyrics. As the song KICKS IN, BLUE PYRO EXPLODES ON THE STAGE as the Moon EXPLODES into a Phoenix design. The pyro generates a ton of smoke, through which LP appears, making his way to the ring with a determined stride, adjusting his elbow pads. He slides in and hits the far turnbuckle, pointing to the crowd before throwing his arms up in a presumed victory)

 

BUFFER

The opponent...from Columbia, South Carolina at a weight of 235 pounds...JAMES "PHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEENIX" COOOOOOOOOOOOONE!

COACH

It's proving ground time for Phoenix...IS THE PASSION THERE?!?!?!

 

*BELL RINGS*

 

Sly gets most of the crowd to clap along in support for him. Phoenix points out a guy in the crowd who has a "Die Sly Die" sign. Sly looks at it, shrugs, then points out the entire left side of the building, who cheer as he points. James Cone looks at them, kinda of blows them off, then tells Sly to get his head in the game. They circle around the ring, then go into a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Sommers scores with a side headlock. Cone shoves Sly into the ropes backwards, forcing a break. The ref doesn't need to count, as Cone gives him a clean break, but with a scowl on his face. They circle the ring again. Collar-and-elbow tie-up and Sly gets another headlock. Phoenix lifts Sly up in a threshold lift...and Sly rolls him onto his back with a headlock takeover. Cone tries hooking Sly's jaw to bring him over...and manuevers him into a headscissors. Sly spins around to where he's bent over with his head buried in the mat, in front of Cone, then does a perfect headstand...and kips out of the headscissors. Cone's sitting up, as Sly drops to a knee and says, "C'mon, you got better stuff than that."

 

COLE

Sly's kinda underestimating Phoenix here.

 

Phoenix gets up, as Sly backs off and allows him to get up. Phoenix looks somewhat frustrated as they go into another collar and elbow lock-up. Sommers goes behind and applies a waistlock. Phoenix struggles to get out of the hold, as Sommers has his fingers strongly grasped. Phoenix slides an elbow between himself and Sly...then breaks the clutch, going behind Sly with a standing switch into a waistlock of his own. But IMMEDIATELY, Sommers escapes by bringing Phoenix down on his stomach with a drop toe hold and sliding over into a front facelock. Phoenix tries rolling over onto his back to escape, but Sly re-manuevers himself to lie on top of Phoenix with a lateral press...

 

ONE!

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

Sly pops up onto his feet, as Phoenix comes up to one knee, then gets in his face and motions with his fingers like he was already too close to victory. Phoenix slaps the hand away from his face and stands up...Sly snapmares him onto his back. Phoenix pops up to his feet...gets snapmared again. Phoenix pops up again, expecting to be snapmared, so Sly drops down to his knees and gives Phoenix a fireman's carry, going right into a lateral press...

 

ONE!

 

KICKOUT!

 

Sly rolls onto his back and kips up. Phoenix gets up next, then Sly mockingly offers his hand to Phoenix for a shake. Phoenix looks around, sees the audience laughing at him, then gets angry and goes to kick Sommers' hand...only Sly catches the boot with both hands, then spins Phoenix around, right into an armdrag! Sly chooses to let Phoenix roll back up to his feet instead of applying an armbar on the mat. Phoenix comes back charging at Sly...right into a hiptoss! Phoenix bounces up to his feet and Sly goes after him...Phoenix rolls to the outside!

 

COACH

Looks like this almost-mockery of James Cone has gotten to the man!

 

Cone pounds the apron in frustration, but quickly clears his head. Sly gets the fans to chant his name. The referee starts his count, but Phoenix slides back in at 3. Phoenix offers his hand in mid-ring for a Greco-Roman knucklelock. Sly chuckles to himself, then locks hands with Cone...Phoenix puts him in a wristlock, then turns it into a short-arm clothesline to send Sly down on his back. Sly rolls onto his stomach and Phoenix drops a knee on the back of Sly's head. Phoenix pulls Sly up to his feet with a front facelock and gives him a spinning neckbreaker!

 

COLE

Sly documented his neck problems in his interview a few weeks ago, I thought this wasn't supposed to be a dirty fight...

 

Cone immediately comes down and locks in a rear chinlock. Sommers quickly works back up to his feet while in the hold, but Phoenix lets go and shoves Sly into a corner. Phoenix gives Sly a stiff European uppercut that sends Sly down to his BUTT from the impact. Phoenix pulls Sommers to his feet, then sends him off to the opposite corner with an Irish whip. Phoenix charges...and Sly kips over Phoenix, then brings him over with a schoolboy...

 

ONE!

 

 

TW...KICKOUT!

 

Both men scramble to their feet and Sommers lifts Cone for a bodyslam...only Phoenix slips out of the back end and forearms Sly in the back of the head, sending him down on all fours. Phoenix pulls Sly up and gives him a big vertical suplex, right into a pin...

 

ONE!

 

 

TW...KICKOUT!

 

Cone pulls Sly up and goes for the suplex again, but he twists around and lands on his feet behind Cone, then grabs the waistlock, shoves Cone up against the ropes going for an O'Connor Roll...but Cone holds onto the rope and Sly rolls backwards. Phoenix turns around, Sly charges at Phoenix...but Phoenix ducks down and grabs the top rope, causing Sly to spill to the floor! The crowd boos as Phoenix slides under the bottom rope and to the floor. Phoenix pulls Sly up by the hair as the referee starts his count...

 

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

FIVE! .

 

Phoenix allows Sly to crawl back into the ring, then drops an elbow onto Sly's prone back. Phoenix pulls Sly up with a front facelock, then gives him a hard forearm to the side of the face. Phoenix sends Sommers off with an Irish whip...and in mid-ring, blasts him with a jumping Harley Race knee to the face! Cover!

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

COACH

Fortunately, I think Phoenix has thought better than to play dirty and go after Sly's neck. He's still taken control of this bout.

 

Phoenix pulls Sly up and slams him face-first into the top turnbuckle. With his back exposed, Phoenix nails Sly in the lower back with a pair of shoulder charges. Phoenix then hooks Sly and lifts him for a side suplex...but Sly flips out and lands on his feet behind Phoenix! Sly charges at Phoenix, but Phoenix lifts him up and hits a big flapjack/hot-shot, dropping Sly face-first on the top turnbuckle, the impact sending Sly flying backwards and him bumping in mid-ring! Phoenix climbs up to the second rope...and hits an elbow drop! Cover!

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

Phoenix pulls Sly up quickly and sends him off with an Irish whip. Phoenix bends down, telegraphing a backdrop. Sly comes off the ropes and leaps over Phoenix, going for a sunset flip...but Phoenix rolls backwards onto his feet, then grabs Sly's ankle and rolls him backwards onto his feet. Before Sly can fully stand up, Phoenix hooks his head...Snap DDT! COVER!

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!S

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

Phoenix yells at the referee about a slow count. He slowly pulls Sly up...who pulls him down in a surprise small package!

 

ONE!

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

Both scramble up and Phoenix grabs on with a headlock. Sly moves him backwards, then shoves him off to the ropes. Phoenix bounces off of the ropes on the other side, ducks the clothesline, then comes off on the other side and blasts Sly with a jumping back elbow. Both scramble up, Sly much slower than Phoenix, which Phoenix takes advantage of it by grabbing a side headlock. Sly hooks under Phoenix's jaw, then twists him around, breaking the headlock, and applies a front facelock. Sly transitions that into a butterfly...double-underhook suplex! Sommers goes for the cover!

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

Sly tries pulling Phoenix up and gets jacked with a jawbreaker. Sommers holds his neck from the pain of the whiplash, as Phoenix sends him off with an Irish whip. Sly comes off of the ropes and grabs Phoenix, spins around, and uses his momentum to send Phoenix off with the Irish whip. Phoenix comes off of the ropes and runs into a big back body drop! Phoenix bounces up to his feet, charges at Sly...another big backdrop! Phoenix comes to his feet and Sly brings him over with an old-school side headscissors takeover! Phoenix rolls up to his feet, Sly grabs him by the wrist, then flips him over by the arm onto his back! Sommers is up as Phoenix stumbles to his feet, backing into a corner. Sly whips him into the other buckle hard, then charges forward, leaps up, and delivers a monkey flip! Phoenix tries landing on his feet, but the momentum sends him face-first into the opposite turnbuckle! Phoenix falls backwards on his back. Sly with the cover!

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

Sly then goes to the top rope. He claps his hands to get the audience behind him. But, as Sly's making this mistake, Phoenix gets to his feet, holding his jaw. Phoenix grabs Sly, then gives him the big Flair slam off the top! Phoenix sees what he's done, then signals for something big. He grabs Sly, then hooks the arms behind his back...he's going for the Lunar Rising (Vertebreaker)! But, Sly slides his arms out of the move, then hits a high-angle back suplex with a bridge!

 

ONE!

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

Sly pulls Phoenix up quickly, trying to hook him for the Sommerset (Roll of the Dice/Last Rites). But, Phoenix slips out and rolls Sly through into a victory cradle...

 

ONE!

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

 

Both immediately up, Sly ducks a clothesline, comes off of the ropes, and gets a cross bodypress into a cover...

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

Both are up and Sly scores with a bodyslam. Sly goes up top, but Phoenix is up again...but this time, Sly leaps over Phoenix and onto his feet on the mat before Phoenix can get to him! Phoenix turns around and runs at Sly...but Sly leaps behind Phoenix and brings him over with a crucifix cradle...

 

ONE!

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

Sommers is up first and comes off of the ropes...and runs into an elbow to the face that dazes him where he's standing. Phoenix goes for the DDT again, but Sly blocks by wrapping his near ankle around Phoenix's, then rolling forward, which rolls Phoenix backwards and onto his shoulders...

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

TH-KICKOUT!

 

Sly grabs Phoenix as they come up and goes for a Flatliner, but Phoenix grabs the arm and drags Sly over. Sly rolls through, both men are up, and Sly slips out of the backside on a bodyslam, then hooks Phoenix's head for the Sommerset! He spins it...but Phoenix spins out of the move! Sly dizzies himself and has to turn around to face Phoenix...BIG SUPERKICK OUT OF NOWHERE! SLY'S DOWN! PHOENIX WITH THE COVER...

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEEEEE!

 

 

*BELL RINGS*

 

BUFFER

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUR WINNNNNNEEEER....JAMES "PHOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENIIIIIIIIIIIX" COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!

 

COACH

OUT OF NOWHERE, Phoenix has done it! He has defeated the former X-Division Champion and main event star Sly Sommers!

 

Phoenix holds himself up with the ropes, as Sly lays spread-out in the center of the ring, out cold from the superkick. Cone comes to his feet with the audience applauding a great performance by Cone...

 

COLE

This is the coming out party...I think Cone has shut up the doubters with one superkick to the jaw of Sly Sommers! Phoenix has arrived!

 

Sly comes to, sitting up while in a daze. The referee comes to help Sly up...but Phoenix asks him to leave. The crowd goes quiet...and Phoenix offers Sly his hand. Sommers looks around, then grabs it as Phoenix helps him up. The audience stands up and applauds as they raise each other's arms!

 

COACH

This is awesome! You always want to see this after a hard-fought battle! What a show of respect!

 

Phoenix shakes Sly's hand, then opens the ropes for him. Sly waves Phoenix off, then opens the ropes for him! Phoenix smiles and bows to Sly graciously. Phoenix goes through the ropes, but when he gets on the apron, he opens the ropes for Sly. Sly shakes his head like, "You silly kid," then walks onto the apron. Phoenix raises Sly's hand again on the apron...

 

COLE

As these two incredible athletes bond after a great bout, we're going to go to...

 

...PHOENIX JUST SUPERKICKED SLY OFF OF THE APRON!

 

COACH

What the hell just happened?

 

Phoenix drops down to the floor, then goes down on all fours and crawls up to Sly's unconcious body. He whispers in Sly's ear...

 

PHOENIX

Who is the star now? Who's the main eventer now? WHO DOESN'T HAVE THE PASSION NOW?

 

Phoenix spits in Sly's face, as a swarm of referees rush to aid Sly. The commentators have gone silent, as Phoenix crawls away backwards. His eyes never leave the mess of humanity that he left at ringside, as he gets to his feet and slowly walks backwards to the locker room. The commentators stay silent, as the final shot before commercial is a close-up of Sly's unconcious face...

 

*COMMERCIAL BREAK*

[Patty O'Green 0]

lol, I wish Boston would make it to the Finals. Laker World Order would serve these ho3s like some gangster ass waiters. Fresh dishes of ether salad and the day's special "This can't be life" soup with a side of fuck yo 16 titles in the face. Boston struggling with the worst team in the Playoffs. If you are a basketball fan and you missed this game to go see Ironman or something you straight bitch.

 

COLE

Well, folks, Molly Nerdly was again sent home this week for being the most annoying person on the roster. I'm not the kidding the entire train ride to Greece Molly would drop her pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!” Then whenever she's on an elevator she'd hum the theme from Mission Impossible with her eyes darting around the elevator. So she had to go back to home to Edmonton or back to school in New York. But Molly has one thing on 99% of the roster, a college education. Molly didn't go home, she went to LA to shoot footage of the most famous person in the OAOAST, Krista Isadora Duncan and her family. And charged her stay at the Beverly Hills Hotel to the company all in the name of what she called "gonzo filmaking". She think she's Hunter S. Thompson or something.

 

FROM THE MIND OF REALITY

AND THE APERTURE OF MOLLY NERDLY

FILMED TUESDAY APRIL 28TH

LOS ANGELES, CA

 

The luxurious Beverly Hills mansion of fitness queen, entertainment icon and walk of famer Krista Isadora Duncan is where we lay our scene. While the rest of the OAOAST roster is forced to to stay in a hotel with communal showers and rampant cases of head lice, Krista's eldest daughter is spending her time in the second floor hallway. The area, which measures bigger then some people's master bedroom, is adorned with priceless antique poetry, fabulous floral arrangements, and delightful 18th century french decor, designed to make it appear like the palace of Versailles. Jade, however, isn't much for appreciating the achievements of her mother's interior decorater. The blond teenager is attired in a grey UCLA sweatshirt, and a pair of plaid stripped short shorts. But what exactly is Jade doing in such mismatched clothing? Walking back and forth down the hallway. Duh! Or to be more specific, Jade is attempting to mimic her mother's alluring walk that has captured the fantasies of millions worldwide. Problem is, Jade moves like an ostrich wearing an ill fitting girdle.

 

JADE (walking)

One...two..three...four...how many steps is it until I pull my shoulders back? Or are the shoulders always back? This is stupid! Stupid! I can't believe I'm doing this. I don't want to be in this fashion show, and I can't be in this fashion show. I'm from Michigan! The closest thing we've ever had to a fashion revolution is when WAL*MART raised prices on synthetic plaid and we overturned the ICEE machine. Hey, that was sort of funny. What am I doing? Why can't I just do this like Krista? Because I don't want to. Its not that I can't. I just don't want to. That's it. Yeah that's right. Should I tell her? No, I could never. God, get me out of this! I'll do whatever you want! I'll uh...I'll recycle. And Whenever the checkout person at Best Buy asks me if I'd like to try six free copies of Sports Illustrated, I won't cop an attitude because I'll realize that's just a part of their job. And I think that's a huge compromise, because its very annoying! Do I look like the type of person who wants access to comprehensive NFL draft scouting and a video recounting the Giants improbable superbowl win?

 

MAYA (O.S.)

On the last day of Hanukkah mom took me out to lunch with Ashley Tisdale. I told her that was pretty cool but what I really wanted as a crazy elder sister who talks to imaginary god men in the ceiling fans. And six months later she gives me just what I always wanted. Great!

 

Girl genius (srsly, she was in the running to replace Coach until everyone realized her bed time is 9 O'clock), Maya strolls onto the scene. Whereas Jade looks a disheveled mess with her nervous expression, casual clothes, and hair done up in a messy ponytail, Maya is quite the little miss, in a fun, and fabulous Ruffle Henley Babydoll with a print that is full of pretty pastel pink and blue flowers, lightly sprayed jeans with a little rhinestone shine, and blue and pink floral print headband.

 

JADE (continuing to walk)

Hi, Maya! One...two...three...four...five.

 

MAYA

Watcha doin? Countin' how many pounds you've gained since ya moved in? Only twenty more to go!

 

Jade is taken aback by this caustic remark, and pauses in place. The camera does a quick jerk from her shocked expression to Maya's contemporaneous one.

 

JADE

No..I...I...I'm practicing for my walk in that uh...um...fashion show Krista signed me up for. Its kind of a difficult thing to do. There's a certain kind of walk, that's really just...its hard. I can't get any of this modeling stuff down. Is it mental? Is it physical? Its...I don't know. Its driving me crazy. But, uh, am I really that fat?

 

MAYA

It could be the sweatshirt.

 

JADE

Yeah!

 

MAYA

Or it could your thirty pounds of whale blubber!

 

MOLLY (O.S.)

Your mother is so fat that when she wears a red dress people yell, hey kool-aid man.

 

JADE

Maya, that's not a nice thing to say at all! We're supposed to be sisters...we are sisters. So, we...uh..we..well..we...support each other.

 

MAYA (singing)

I'm not gonna write you a love song, 'Cause you asked for it, 'Cause you need one, you see.

I'm not gonna write you a love song, 'Cause you tell me it's, Make or breaking this.

If you’re on your way,I'm not gonna write you to stay. If all you have is leaving, I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today. Today.

 

JADE (under her breath)

She's even a good singer.

 

MAYA

Huh? What? What was that? Can you make your neck fat sing?

 

JADE (horrified)

Neck...fat?!

 

MAYA

It was a joke! Lighten up! Gawd. Lemme see your walk again. I bet its pretty good.

 

Now even more nervous then she was before this entire ordeal began, Jade begins a very tentative walk trailed by Maya's criticizing glare. The camera wobbles subtly, giving added emphasis to Jade's difficulties. The way Jade moves its as though she's trying to balance a book on her head, and her mind constantly awaits Maya's next caustic remark. She needent wait for long, however..

 

MAYA

Earthquake! Earthquake! Earthquake! Get the dogs, stay away from the windows, duck and cover! Earthquake!

 

Jade again stops, exasperated by both her troubles as well as teasing sister. The camera views her lowered head from the side, objectifying her and making her seem even weaker.

 

MAYA

No, no, Jade you're fine! For real. I'd even given ya a blue ribbon!

 

JADE

Really?

 

MAYA

For fattest heifer at the county fair!

 

MOLLY (O.S.)

Anorexia thank you truly and honestly, for giving me the ability to laugh at these fat jokes.

 

JADE

Maya, why are you like this? This is very hard for me. Can't you be more encouraging?

 

MAYA

Okay, okay, okay. Sorry. I bet you'll look great...

 

JADE (weakly)

Thank you.

 

MAYA

Next to a plate of scrambled eggs and sausage at a Grand Slam at Denny's.

 

Totally exhausted, Jade is again shown from the profile, this time with no head room so as to make her seem totally despairing and out of balance.

 

JADE

Well...um...what should I do?

 

MAYA

I think you should just go ask mommy. This is like her thing! You shoulda just asked her from the start. She'll help. And if she can't she'll just pay the audience not to oink when you're on the catwalk. And don't say you can't do it or anything, because then you'll just get motivational speaker mommy. Just say you tried and you sucked.

 

Having now lost any interest in helping her sister or even conversing with her, Maya shrugs her shoulders and heads down the hallway without so much as a glance of good bye.

 

JADE

I don't know if I sucked...

 

MOLLY (O.S.)

You did indeed suck! Very much so!

 

JADE

Uh...alright I'll ask her. Where is she?

 

MOLLY (O.S.)

Your dear sweet mother is outside sunbathing. However, I do believe that's just a code for “excuse to get sun tan lotion rubbed on my half naked body by a hot assistant"

 

Rather then follow Jade down to the backyard area which could take over ten minutes in of itself, its that enormous a residence, we're shown a full body shot of Jade striding through the rear door. The California sun immediately hits her face, squinting her eyes that she tries to shield from the blinding brightness. Thanks to a very generous government arts grant, Molly has a helicopter flying overhead to give us a birds eye view of Krista's luscious resort like yard. The patio boasts a tropical atmosphere with bamboo furniture and hurricane lanterns. The immaculate yard is an enormous compound, large enough to encompass another mansion. It's a splendidly private location, that sports a guest house in the back of the spacious grassy area. But our focus lies on the swimming pool area.

 

 

As Molly promised, Krista lies face down on a red and white stripped beach chair, letting the sun rays sweep across her impeccably tanned skin. The siclopse journeys up Krista's svelte figure, taking in grey bikini bottoms that cling to her ultra tight BUTT, and a matching bikini top that stretches tightly across her voluptuous chest. One of Krista's many personal assistants, an attractive Latina woman in her late twenties, gently rubs suntan lotion across Krista warm supple well-exercised flesh, which we can only assume is why Krista, who's currently darker then Mariah Carey, is suntanning in the first place. Molly is right again!

 

KRISTA ( to her assistant)

Mmmmmm.....you're good. Real good. Good enough to make me forget my lawyer's words of "Hello! Sexual Harassment!"

 

JADE

Krista, I..I...I..have a problem.

 

We watch from over Krista's shoulders as Jade takes a seat and nervously tries to gather her words. Unlike Jade, Krista is perfectly content thanks to the thrilling full body massage from her lovely assistant.

 

KRISTA

Every licensed driver in Southern California has this problem eventually! Just push the immigrant's body to the side of the road and the garbage truck will be by to pick it up in a few days. I joke, I joke, I joke because I. So what's the story morning glory? What's wrong? You want a new credit card? Of course you do, darling, what upper class heiress doesn't?

 

Krista dives her hands into her flashy purse to fish out a credit card for Jade.

 

MOLLY (O.S.)

My, how wonderfully wonderful that purse is!

 

KRISTA

Oh, honey, thank you! Its made out of the skin of fifteen different endangered species. Does anything say chic like the crass destruction of the earth's fragile ecosystem? Maybe this bikini made entirely out of the hair of the nearly extinct steller sea lion skin. The earth may have cruelly forgotten you my darlings but my boobs will honor your memory forever. Or until Friday when I sunbath topless. Jade, back to you, little dove. Like Marvin Gaye, I wonder...what's going on? You've got the whole Dom Rebel fashion show thing coming up and you want all your friends and family from Grand Rapids to check you out. Welllll, why don't I fly Leon, and a few of your socially inoffensive friends in?

 

JADE

No! No! I mean...you...uh...you don't have to do that. Um..well, the fashion show is kind of why I'm here actually. This sounds so stupid to say, like telling someone I forgot how to breathe, but I can't get a fashion show walk and its driving me crazy. I..I...keep trying to do it like you...but I look so stupid and I start thinking too hard and I fall flat on my face. And not even on the ground but on those fancy vases and sculptures you bid on from sotherbys, and they break, and then I blame Terry and you dump the food out his dog bowl as punishment. And......Maya says I look fat.

 

Krista to put on a look of disgust, but its difficult for her to summon rage when there's a cute woman rubbing cherry scented lotion on her BUTT.

 

KRISTA

That's a terrible thing to say to your own sister.

 

MOLLY (O.S.)

Agreed wholeheartedly, which is why I've never told Melody she wears her shirt too unbuttoned and we can see all the tissues she stuffs her bra with. Horribly impolite of me!

 

JADE (relieved)

So, I'm not fat?

 

KRISTA

No, don't be ridonkulous. You're not that fat at all. You just don't know how to dress your body. No never mind, you are that fat.

 

JADE

Wha....what?!

 

KRISTA (singing)

I'm not gonna write you a love song, 'Cause you asked for it, 'Cause you need one, you see.

I'm not gonna write you a love song, 'Cause you tell me it's, Make or breaking this.

If you’re on your way,I'm not gonna write you to stay. If all you have is leaving, I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today. Today.

 

JADE

Krista, you're mean!

 

Somehow that statement of the obvious, causes Krista to forget all about the pleasuring touch of the assistant, and she sits up in defiant outrage.

 

KRISTA

How dare you call me mean! An alcoholic? Sure ok. Distrustful of the Japanese? Who isn't! But nobody calls me a racist. And you can ask anyone I own.

 

JADE (falling over onto her side)

Ugh! I hate my body so much!

 

KRISTA

Listen, you're a Duncan woman, you're supposed to be ashamed of any part of your body that wasn't enhanced through the talents of doctor Vinjay Negm plastic surgeon, and one hell of a bowling instructor.

 

JADE

I'm just trying to do it like you do, and I can't!

 

KRISTA

Jade, of course you can't, I'm in a league of my own. Literally. I played the left fielder Betty Avery. Good movie by the way, took place in such innocent times when Madonna was still social relevant and Rosie was still funny enough that I didn't inwardly cringe whenever she would pinch my BUTT. You're worrying way too much, its gonna be okay. Uh, who's daughter are you? Mine. I'm fabulous, ok? I'm an incredible dresser, I've got buckets of money, I'm a hoot and a half, and I got a killer rack. But do you think I was always this way?

 

JADE

Yes.

 

KRISTA

You're right, I was. And you would be to if you hadn't grown up in a state who's biggest achievements are the Insane Clown Possee and the country's eldest chapter of the Klu Klux Klan. But, you're beautiful Jade. Absolutely drop dead gorgeous.

 

JADE

You have to say that, you carried me in your womb for nine months. You don't want to feel like you wasted your time. What happens when I get laughed off the stage and onto the eighth season of celebrity fit club: I'm hot but my child's a fatty edition!

 

KRISTA

Ah god, this girl I used to date at UCLA is a dietitian now, she's probably got the perfect cocktail of instant weight loss diet pills. But we had that horrible break up when I cheated on her. Literally on her. She woke up and I was having sex with another girl on top of her. I had no idea she was asleep under the covers. But since the whole ordeal played out in a display window at the Getty museum, I got a Humanities credit out of all of it.

 

JADE

Mom!

 

KRISTA

You called me mom! It takes my deviant sexual practices to bring this family together! Look, why do you think mommy's so ab-fab well into her twenties...

 

JADE

Twenties?

 

KRISTA

Cause of my humps my hump my hump my hump. My hump my hump my hump my lovely lady lumps. Check it out.

 

Krista decides to teach by doing and struts her stuff along the patio. But whatever it is about Krista's walk that's confounded Jade isn't evident to us. Molly's decided to focus on what's truly important here, Krista's BUTT, her firm bikini clad buttocks rolling with breathtaking sensuality.

 

JADE

I can't do it! I just can't do it! Put me in my wheelchair and roll me into a ditch!

 

KRISTA

You know what the problem is? You're too self-conscious for modeling. Jade, what's happening is you're too hung up on what's in here. (Krista runs her hands over Jade's head)

 

JADE

My bangs?

 

KRISTA

No, your brain. The more you use your brain when your modeling, the worse off you'll be. Somewhat like being president. And just think I have two masters degrees! Think of all I had to overcome to be the Jewish Daily News' page three girl of the year four years in a row. I'm like the Lance Armstrong of being hot. Look, Jade, the audience, they can't see your mind.

 

MOLLY (O.S.)

Unless they have x-ray vision like Superman.

 

KRISTA

Then they'll just look at your BUTT.

 

MOLLY (O.S.)

Unless they're gay like Robin.

 

KRISTA

The mind is a distraction to you. They can only see what's in here, okay. Act from here, darling dear.(Krista runs her hands around Jade's face) Act from your hair. All right? But not that hair. Get some highlights, take those teeth a few shades up, and, hello, Jade, beautiful bouncing breasts. How 'bout can we see them?

 

KRISTA

Jade, the best advice a grizzled veteran of modeling can give to an aspiring young girl, as well as the best advice a mother can give her daughter is that you don't have to be a slut but you damn sure better act like one.

 

JADE

I don't really...I don't think that'd work. I can't really do that stuff.

 

KRISTA

Sure you can! How else did you pass your driving test? Trust me, it ain't cause you're Jeff Gordon on the raceway. I let you drive to Santa Monica last week, it was like the closing scenes of The Perfect Storm. Sex appeal is as old as time! It goes back to caveman days. If there was a saber tooth tiger blocking Hollyrock Boluevard do you think Betty Rubble strolled into Mister Slate's stone quarry in her ugly knee length blue grandma dress to get someone to move it? Nope, she throws on a halter top, wears a flirty little miniskirt that shows off the right amount of ass cleavage, and lets her juicy lil tush talk men into a grizzly, agonizing death. How do you think I paid for this house? A bank loan? I'm a convicted felon! I just did the boobie shimmy in the relators face and that was that. Let's practice...let's try some improv.

 

MOLLY (O.S.)

Improv. Short for improving.

 

KRISTA

Molly check your undergrad degree and make sure the words barber, cosmetology or clown don't precede the word college. Jade, whatever I throw at you, you just do it. Are you ready? And you're a cat. Go!

 

JADE (weakly, like the meow is cracking in her throat)

Meow?

 

KRISTA

You're a sexy cat! Like those ones MARV looks at on his computer when he no one's around and he thinks we don't know. But we know. We know. Jade, watch.

 

Krista purrs sweetly and rubs her head against Molly's leg. She slowly bats her eyelashes, and smiles at the camera in a coy fashion.

 

MOLLY (O.S.)

How glad I am that I remembered to Nair!

 

Krista continues to purr and trace her cheeks along Molly's leg, which forces an involuntary smile onto Molly's face.

 

MOLLY (O.S.)

I think the hardest part of this will be telling my parents I'm a lesbian.

 

JADE

Meow!

 

KRISTA

You're crawling through mud! Crawl! Crawl!

 

Utterly confused Jade drops down to the her knees and begins a crawl that simply resembles a baby moving through a play pen.

 

JADE

Meow?!

 

KRISTA

Not the cat! You.

 

JADE

Oh!

 

Jade's crawling completely morphs into something that isn't crawling around at all. Now she belly flops across the patio way, drawing Krista's incredible consternation.

 

KRISTA

All right, forget it. All right, let's...wow...This isn't working. At all. Let's try something a little more relatable. Okay? You're a...

 

MOLLY

A stop sign! How wonderfully embarrassing sexy that would be!

 

Jade stands as tall as her body will stretch while she angles her arms above her head to form a stop signs octagon. Again Molly jiggles the camera so as to emphasize Jade's difficulties. And Jade's troubles increase significantly as her legs give way, and throw her on pitfall towards the swimming pool. Krista alarmed eyes watch as Jade's fail miserably in her final effort to steer the green beast away from the blue lagoon. Water erupts from Jade's disastrous fall reaching so high that it even dances across the siclopse's camera lens.

 

MOLLY (O.S.)

Pity! There's a free willy joke dying to be made right now.

 

While Molly takes care of preventing the water from obstructing our view, Krista tries to pull Jade out the pool. Needless to say Jade is even more embarrassed then she was when this entire sequence of events began, and her face is cloaked by dripping wet strands of blond hair and shades of bright red humiliation.

 

KRISTA

The wet t-shirt look might work, if those gossip hounding fashion fags wouldn't be on the edge of their seats waiting for you to slip on your own puddle. Tell ya what, drew yourself off and just go down to the gym, watch a couple of my FIT with KID exercise videos and at least knock a few pounds off.

 

JADE

Okay.

 

KRISTA

And if that doesn't work. I'll pay the audience not to oink at you.

 

COACH

lol at a little adolescent girl havin more mic skills then the likes of resuce 911. Dudes here STAY losin!

 

Krista gives Jade a tight hug before sending her on her way.

 

OAOAST MILAN/MILEY CYRUS SPECTACULAR

YOU'VE SEEN

JAMES CONE DEFEAT SLY SOMMERS

MISTER DICK DEFEAT JOCK MULLIGAN

KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN IN A BIKINI

NOW YOU CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT AGAIN

THE REPLAY. THIS SUNDAY NIGHT ON TSM.

Edited May 3, 2008 by Patty O'Green

[Patty O'Green 0]

 

The latest sight on a tour of Milian is of the magnificent and awe inspiring Teatro alla Scala the most famous oprea house in the world. No, that's not where we're holding the show, although that would've been fairly smart. The soundtrack for this splendid view isn't anything operatic, its

 

We're moved back into the arena where The Wall by Kansas hits, and the Deadly Alliance makes their way through the curtains, to the boos of the crowd.

 

COLE

And the Deadly Alliance, all four members, out here, ready for six-man tag team action! Let's go to the ring!

 

RING ANNOUNCER (in Italian)

Onorevoli colleghi, il seguente è un uomo sei Tag Team concorso, in programma per una caduta! Fare a modo loro l'anello, accompagnato da ALFDOGG, ad un peso totale combinato di tre cento venti chili ... che rappresentano il Alleanza Mortale, il team di THUNDERKID, RIFIUTARE, e il campione OAOAST Heartland, SANDMAN NOVE MILLE!

 

COLE

And a terrific job done by our Italian ring announcer, as Alfdogg looks to be headed our way, Coach!

 

COACH

All right!

 

As TK, Reject and Sandman step into the ring, Alf grabs a headset and sits beside Michael Cole.

 

COACH

'sup, Alf?

 

ALF

I'm just here to get a look at the Heartland champion, and the next World tag team champions, Coach!

 

COACH

I'm feelin' you on that!

 

COLE

And of course, Thunderkid and Reject, we have learned, will challenge Team Heyross for those titles at School's Out, which will eminate from the Knickerbocker Arena in Albany, New York, on May 25th!

 

COACH

Ric Flair made history in that arena in 1992, and we're gonna see new tag team champions crowned in just a few weeks!

 

ALF

That's right.

 

A cold, dark voice begins to speak the ungodly hymn over the loud speakers, as smoke begins to cover the entrance way.

 

"Come on God, Answer Me.

For Years, I've Been Asking You Why?

Why are the Innocent Dead and the Guilty Alive?

Where is Justice? Where is Punishment?

. . . . . . . . . . .

Or Have You Already Answered?

Have You Already Said to the World,

Here is Justice. Here is Punishment.

Here....

In Me."

 

"Punishment" by BIOHAZARD starts up, as Brock Ausstin and Team Heyross walk out, to a tremendous reaction from the crowd.

 

COLE

And here come their opponents!

 

Brock stops at the top of the ramp, and starts doing his "Happy Happy Hoss Dance~!"

 

RING ANNOUNCER (in Italian)

Gli avversari ... a un totale combinato di peso di tre cento cinquanta chili ... uno introducendo in primo luogo, da Victoria, Minnesota ... "L'attuale grande passo", BROCK AUSSTIN!

 

*crowd cheers*

 

Il suo partner, sono i OAOAST World Tag Team campioni ...CHARLIE MUSCHIO e QUENTIN BENJAMIN, SQUADRA HEYROSS!

 

Brock continues his way down to the ring, and leaps onto the ring apron from the floor. He yanks back on the ropes, causing pyro to spray from all four corners!

 

COACH

Whoa!

 

Brock steps into the ring, and starts doing his "Happy Happy Hoss Dance~!" again, to warm up for his match. Meanwhile, Team Heyross poses on the buckles. Team Heyross hands their belts to the referee, who calls for the bell.

 

*DING DING DING*

 

Sandman starts off with Charlie Moss.

 

COLE

Should be a terrific matchup...

 

ALF

No, it shouldn't. The Deadly Alliance is back together, and we're gonna wipe the mats with these three scrubs.

 

Sandman and Moss tie up, and Sandman grabs a side headlock. Moss struggles, then lifts Sandman into the air, and tries to set him down, but Sandman takes him down with the headlock. Moss fights to his feet, then backs Sandman into a corner, and backs off after the referee steps in.

 

COLE

Clean break from Charlie Moss, and they'll try it again.

 

ALF

I'll tell you, Sandman's known for his brawling, but don't overlook his ability on the mat, Michael Cole!

 

COLE

Indeed, some nice mat wrestling there from Sandman9000, the Heartland champion for the last seven months!

 

COACH

Just two more weeks, he'll have held that belt longer than any competitor in OAOAST history!

 

Sandman and Moss tie up again, and this time Moss grabs the side headlock. Sandman backs Moss into the ropes, and shoves him across. He attempts a clothesline, but Moss ducks, and delivers one of his own!

 

COLE

Big clothesline from Charlie Moss!

 

Moss backs into the ropes, and attempts to drop an elbow, but Sandman rolls out of the way!

 

COLE

But nobody home there!

 

Sandman then backs into the ropes, and attempts the same elbow, with the same result!

 

COLE

And Sandman misses as well!

 

Both men roll into their corners, and tags are made to Brock and Reject.

 

COLE

And now Brock Ausstin and Reject will face off.

 

Reject looks a bit timid as he circles the ring with Brock, then the two tie up. They roll around on the ropes, ending up with Reject forcing Brock into them, and delivering a knee to the gut. Reject sets up an Irish whip, but Brock reverses, and goes for a clothesline. Reject ducks, then ducks a second attempt, and tries a flying bodypress, but Brock catches him!

 

COACH

Uh-oh...

 

Brock lifts Reject up overhead, and slams him to the mat! Brock yells out to the crowd, which cheers in response.

 

ALF

Did he just scream in Italian?

 

COLE

In any language, he's calling out to his fans!

 

Brock picks up Reject, and executes a vertical suplex! Cover...

 

1...

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

Kickout!

 

ALF

And Reject kicks out, even though Brock had the tights!

 

COLE

No, he didn't!

 

ALF

Hey, you stop being biased and call the match!

 

COACH

I put up with this every week, Alf.

 

ALF

I feel for you, bro.

 

Brock tags in Benjamin, who comes in and delivers a foot to the gut, then an arm-wringer. Reject backs Benjamin into the ropes, and whips him across. Benjamin leapfrogs Reject, then rolls him up in a small package!

 

1...

 

 

 

2...

 

 

Kickout!

 

Benjamin quickly backs into the ropes, and executes a sunset flip!

 

COLE

Look at how quick Quentin Benjamin is!

 

1...

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

Kickout!

 

Benjamin again backs into the ropes, this time catching Reject in a flying bodypress!

 

1...

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

TK reaches in from the outside and breaks up the count!

 

COLE

And Reject saved that time by his partner!

 

ALF

He wasn't saved, Cole, give me a break. If you're that close where your partner can break the count, why expend energy kicking out?

 

Reject then tags out to TK, who sizes Benjamin up, then circles the ring. As Benjamin moves in, TK delivers a foot to the gut, then hammers him on the back. He goes for an Irish whip, but Benjamin reverses, then leapfrogs TK and runs to the ropes himself, catching TK with a spinning wheel kick!

 

COLE

Big kick!

 

Benjamin leaps into the air and drops a leg on TK, then drags him into a corner and starts hammering away with rights! Reject climbs in, but is intercepted by Moss, who pulls him into the opposite corner! Finally, Brock catches Sandman coming in, and fires away on him in a corner! The three then communicate, and send the three DA members into one another in mid-ring! The DA heads out to regroup, as Brock and the tag champs celebrate.

 

COLE

And the Deadly Alliance looking to regroup, Alf, it's not looking good!

 

ALF

Of course not, these three in the ring are grabbing tights, pulling hair, double, triple teaming, committing every illegal act in the book, what do you expect from these cheaters?

 

COLE

 

ALF

Don't you at me, Michael Cole, I'll make you at the snap of a finger!

 

COLE

 

As Brock's team celebrates, TK sneaks in behind Benjamin, but Benjamin catches him with a kick to the gut. Benjamin sets up an Irish whip, but TK reverses and sends Benjamin in...right over the top to the floor, as Reject pulls the top rope down!

 

ALF

He fell right over the top rope! What a klutz!

 

COACH

 

COLE

And now TK with the advantage thanks to that cheap shot from Reject!

 

Reject tosses Benjamin back inside, as Sandman tags in. Sandman executes a snap suplex! Cover...

 

1...

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

Kickout!

 

ALF

What's wrong with this referee, is he Italian or something?

 

COLE

...yes.

 

ALF

Oh.

 

Sandman tags in Reject, then picks up Benjamin in position for a Dominator as Reject climbs to the top, and comes off with a chop! Cover...

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kickout!

 

COLE

And another kickout by Quentin Benjamin!

 

Reject stomps away, then picks Benjamin up and executes a gutwrench suplex! Cover...

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

Kickout!

 

Reject tags in TK, then whips Benjamin across. TK steps in, and floors him with a BICYCLE KICK~! Cover...

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kickout!

 

TK tags Sandman in, and Sandman executes a snapmare on Benjamin, followed by a seated dropkick! Cover...

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kickout!

 

COLE

Great tactics employed by this team, quick tags, quick covers!

 

Sandman then whips Benjamin into the ropes, and hooks a sleeper!

 

COACH

This is it!

 

COLE

Sleeper applied by Sandman9000!

 

ALF

Quentin Benjamin's about to go to sleep, just like I'll put PRL to sleep once he stops ducking me!

 

COACH

Yeah, what's up with that, Alf?

 

ALF

He decided he didn't want anything to do with the Deadly Alliance after we laid him and Gerardo out a few weeks ago, so he goes and dicks around with Todd Cortez and Landon Maddix! But he can't duck me forever.

 

Benjamin fades to the mat, as Sandman cranks down on the hold.

 

COLE

And with Popick out of the way, Alf's road to that title shot much clearer...

 

ALF

No no no, stop right there, Cole. Whether or not Popick's around, that has no bearing on when I get my shot at that title! I'd go through Popick just like I did in the past, and send him crying back to his skank wife.

 

The referee lifts Benjamin's arm...

 

1!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Benjamin holds through on the third lift, and fights to his feet, then hammers his way out of the hold! He starts to crawl to his corner, but Sandman hooks the leg, and makes a tag to TK.

 

ALF

See, look at how well-oiled these guys are!

 

TK stomps away on Benjamin, and applies a Boston crab!

 

COLE

And it's another submission hold, this time applied by Thunderkid!

 

Benjamin struggles, unable to make any progress.

 

COACH

Looks like this'll be it, finally!

 

However, Benjamin starts to inch, maneuvering towards his corner!

 

COLE

Look at this! Quentin Benjamin is actually crawling towards his corner, with the hold still applied!

 

As Benjamin gets close to his corner, Reject climbs in, but is intercepted by the referee, as Benjamin makes the tag!

 

COLE

TAG MADE!

 

Moss starts to go after TK, but the referee intercepts and forces him out!

 

ALF

Get him out, ref, no tag!

 

TK stomps away on Benjamin, as the referee turns around. He then tags in Reject, and lifts up Benjamin in a hangman's hold.

 

COACH

Here it is, Cole, my favorite move!

 

COLE

You hate this move, Coach!

 

COACH

Naw, naw, this is great, watch this!

 

Reject sizes up Benjamin, and delivers a kick to the midsection!

 

ALF

Great stuff, Coach, I agree!

 

Reject backs Benjamin into a corner, and delivers a CHOP~!

 

Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

 

And another!

 

Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

 

Reject then tags in TK, who holds back Benjamin as Reject measures for another kick...but Benjamin moves, and Reject delivers a spinkick right to the gut of TK!

 

COACH

Oh, no!

 

Benjamin then runs to the ropes, and jumps into Reject with a bodyscissors, pushing himself into the air off the mat, then catching Reject with a bulldog AND TK with a DDT, simultaneously!

 

ALF

 

COLE

Tremendous move by Quentin Benjamin!

 

Benjamin inches over to his corner, and TAGS BROCK!

 

COLE

And THERE'S a tag!

 

Brock comes in and backs Reject into a corner, delivering right hands, then catches TK coming at him with rights, as well as Sandman!

 

COLE

Brock Ausstin is on fire!

 

Brock slams Reject to the mat, then grabs Moss, who is on the top rope, and executes a ROCKET LAUNCHER~!

 

COLE

Rocket launcher!

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO! Reject gets a shoulder up!

 

Sandman has slid to the apron, and grabbed a barbed-wire baseball bat!

 

COLE

And Sandman about to bring in a foreign object here!

 

ALF

How do you know that? Maybe he just has a itch that he can't reach!

 

Sandman attempts to slide in, but is caught by Charlie Moss, who drops an elbow to his back, then executes an STO BACKBREAKER~! He then signals for the end, and summons Benjamin to the top rope! At this point, Alf flips his headset off.

 

COLE

Hey, what are you doing!

 

As Moss starts to lift up Sandman, Alf grabs the bat off the apron, and lifts it up into the crotch of Moss! Alf then casually sits back down at the booth, as Moss staggers into the EULOGY~!!!!!11111 from Reject!

 

COACH

What happened to Moss there, Alf?

 

ALF

I dunno. Growing pains, I guess.

 

Cover...

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3!!!

 

*DING DING DING*

 

COLE

And the Deadly Alliance steals it!

 

Alf gets back up from the booth as the winners celebrate.

 

RING ANNOUNCER (in Italian)

Onorevoli colleghi, i vincitori della partita...il team di THUNDERKID, RIFIUTARE, e SANDMAN NOVE MILLE!

 

Alf slides into the ring, and stomps away on Charlie Moss.

 

COLE

And another ambush from the Deadly Alliance!

 

Sandman and Alf toss Brock Ausstin to the outside, and begin picking apart the announce table.

 

COLE

All right, you guys have made your point, come on now!

 

Alf and Sandman set Brock up for a suplex, then lift him into the air and drop him backfirst through the announcer's table!

 

COACH

YEAH!

 

COLE

Look at the carnage!

 

Meanwhile in the ring, TK and Reject deliver the THUNDEROUS REJECTION~!!!!!11111 to Quentin Benjamin! The Wall plays, and the Deadly Alliance celebrates.

 

COLE

Another sickening display here by the Deadly Alliance! They said they wanted to have some fun, and apparently this is their idea of fun!

 

COACH

Now Alf is just awaiting a response from the World champion! That is, if he's man enough!

 

COLE

I gotta think that PRL is gonna grant Alf his wish of a title shot somewhere down the road, but how many of these messages need to be sent?

 

With See You Again overlayed on the audio, we dissolve to commercial from a shot of the Deadly Alliance striding with utmost confidence up the ramp.

 

COMMERCIAL

Edited May 3, 2008 by Patty O'Green

[Patty O'Green 0]

POSTING SHOWS JUST GOT UNRELIABLE. AND SARCASTIC. AND SOMETIMES A LITTLE BITTER AND MEAN SPIRTED.

CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS

 

Brand new at OAOAST.com

ANGLEMANIA VII~! on 2-disc DVD!

 

 

Featuring:

The Entire Show, in full, absolutely uncut!

Plus:

• Bonus Audio Commentary Track- Featuring Melody Nerdly, Leon Rodez and Josh Matthews plus special guests
• Alternate Commentary Track- Tha Puerto Rican joins Josh Matthews to call the main-event
• The Mania Of AngleMania Vignette
• AngleMania Memories of the OAOAST Superstars
• Pre Show Interviews w/The Enterprise, Internationally Known, Love Generation, Team Heyross, The Heavenly Rockers, Alfdogg, Landon Maddix, Jade Rodez, Mackenzie DeCenzo, Vinny Valentine, Stephen Joseph Popick and Kanye West!
• Post Match Interviews w/ALL the winners and a lot of the losers too!
• The AngleMania VII press conference
• Hype Videos for Landon/Cortez, Bo/Zack, Krista/Alix, PRL/Popick
• AngleMania Music Video
• Alix Maria Spezia, Californication Music Video
• Celebrity Roll Call: The Stars' Thoughts On Krista vs. Alix
• Krista Isadora Duncan On The Hollywood Walk Of Fame
• Special OAOAST.com Webchat With Zack Malibu
• The Beverly Hills Blonds Show Us Their L.A.
• The AngleMania Afterparty with Maggie Nerdly and Josh Matthews from OAOAST.com
• Tha Puerto Rican's Road To The Gold Retrospective
• Torneo Cibernetico III- (HeldDOWN~!, 3/13)
• PRL Runs The Gauntlet- (HeldDOWN~!, 3/27)
• The Fallout From Bohemoth vs. Zack- (HeldDOWN~!, 4/4)

 

ORDER NOW AND GET A FREE VINNY VALENTINE SHIRT! VINNY SAYS: DISCO~!

 

 

 

OAOAST Productions, Proudly Presents...

#~~THE LOVE SHACK~~#

 

And after that commercial, we head back to the ring where the set of The Love Shack has been hastily set up. Adorning the usual desk and seats are some decorations to give the show a little more of an Italian feel. Italian flags. A 'marble' statuette pillar. An Italian soccer jersey. And a pizza? Why, yes, that would be a pizza box open on the desk and a slice in the hand of Leon Rodez as he waves to the crowd. Luckily, he's a likeable kinda guy, so what could be misconstrued as a cultural cliché is instead construed as 'some guy eating pizza'.

 

LEON

Bonjorno!

 

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

 

LEON

Having misplaced my Italian phrase book, I'll leave it at that. But I have to say, it's a honour to be here in Milan for quite possibly the first televised OAOAST event here ever and most certainly the first televised Love Shack here ever! So while I finish up eating this delicious Hawaiian... not the first time I've said that in my life... allow me to give you all a little reminder of what happened when my 'rival' show, The House Of Worship, played host to the Lone Star Gunslingers. Roll V.T!

 

 

BARON

Jock’s like my little brother, man.

 

JOCK

Little brother? I’m a grown man.

 

BARON

I know you are, bro. I’m just saying how you, me and Melody view each other as family.

 

JOCK

Yeah, but your little brother?! It certainly explains a lot though. The last few weeks you’ve been “protecting” me… it was keep me in your shadow because little brother Jock was beginning to outshine big brother. Is that it?

 

BARON

That’s the farthest thing from the truth, man. You were hurt. Everyone in this company knows you’ve got a bright future. I couldn’t let you risk that by competing in meaningless match.

 

JOCK

Jesus, Baron, your problems are my problems but my problems aren’t yours? I mean, you got us into war with the Heavenly Rockers -- a war YOU lost -- and I was there fighting with you to the bitter end. Yet when I get into a firefight with the Enterprise it’s meaningless?

 

MELODY

Jock, please.

 

JOCK

Here we go again. Melody Nerdly sticking her nose in other people’s business. You want meaningless. Look no further than Miss Melody for meaningless.

 

MELODY

 

Abdullah nods approvingly and quite ecstatically.

 

JOCK

You know what? Hindsight being 20/20, I regret apologizing for spitting at you at AngleMania. I’m sorry, but your half brother is right… you are a nuisance.

 

COLE

I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

 

BARON

Jock, listen to yourself, man. You're being a dick.

 

JOCK

You got it wrong, big man. I’m doing something I should’ve done a long time ago.

 

BANDIT KICK levels Baron Windels. Restrained by Abdullah, Melody watches as Jock taunts her and Baron, and then HURLS BARON THROUGH THE STAINED GLASS WINDOW~!!

 

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

 

Melody rushes to Baron’s side after being released, the lone Gunslinger bleed profusely. As EMTs and OAOAST officials arrive on the scene Jock grabs the HOW mic.

 

JOCK

Now that’s being a dick.

 

 

Back to live footage we go.

 

LEON

(still chewing the pizza)

It's... hard for me to watch... man, this is good. Mmm. Uh, anyway. It's hard for me to watch that footage, being so close to the situation and I know it's also been hard for Melody Nerdly. She's been having a harder time than most now that her Gunslingers are no more. But luckily, I've managed to convince her that sharing is caring and she's kindly agreed to share her thought with me tonight. So, please make her feel especially welcome, my guest, the top manager in the OAOAST as voted by the good people of the world... MELODY NERDLY!

 

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

 

"Thriller" by Fallout Boy hits, formerly the music of the Lone Star Gunslingers but now just the music of a sole, lone Miss Melody. Looking a little depressed even now Melody sadly makes her way out and forces a smile to greet the cheers of the fans. Leon applauds from the ring in a further effort to cheer her up, without much luck.

 

COLE

I tell you Coach, it's so sad to see Melody like this. A young lady who is always so full of life and exuberance whenever we see her backstage, she didn't deserve any of this.

 

COACH

Hey, you get in bed with someone and they enter your world.

 

COLE

But she didn't 'get in bed' with the Gunslingers.

 

COACH

Maybe she should have done.

 

COLE

Oh come on now Coach!

 

Climbing the ring steps, Melody enters the ring with Leon holding the ropes for her. Even his smile doesn't seem to cheer her up too much as he shows her to her seat.

 

LEON

Melody, thanks for joining us. And I think I speak for everybody watching when I say it's great to see you back on OAOAST television again.

 

*APPLAUSE*

 

LEON

Now, I know this is all still very raw emotionally and if I overstep the mark or we start delving too deep, just say so. But, I think all your fans would like to know how you're doing.

 

MELODY

Well I'm... I'm doing better.

 

LEON

That's good to hear. You know, I've spent a lot of time in recent months with yourself, Jock and Baron amongst others and I guess I'm been privy to a lot that the fans haven't seen backstage. Your personal lives. But, this has come as a total bolt out of the blue. There were never any signs, to me at least, that things were so bad between Jock and Baron. But, you were obviously closest to them both. Did you see this coming, at all?

 

MELODY

No. I mean, things were kinda tense the past few weeks. But... not this. I just figured they were going through some differences. Nothing major. We actually sat down before AngleMania and we talked things out. Jock had some issues. Baron had some issues. We talked, we cleared the air, we played some Madden '08 for a while. And I figured everything was vegan kosher again. But... I guess not.

 

Melody hangs her head a little and Leon quickly jumps in.

 

LEON

Well, it's safe to say you're the John Madden of the OAOAST.

 

MELODY

You're not flaming me, are you?

 

LEON

No no. I meant... well, you know the right plays... tactically. I don't know. The point is, you're a great manager and you helped the Lone Star Gunslingers to rise the ranks and make it to the top of the tag team division. Do you think maybe they became a victim of their own success?

 

Melody sits and thinks about it for a second...

 

My dick cost a late-night fee

Your dick got the HIV

My dick plays on the double feature screen

Your dick went straight to DVD

My dick: bigger than a bridge

Your dick look like a little kid's

My dick: large like the Chargers, the whole team

Your shit look like you're 14

 

...which is when JOCK MULLIGAN'S theme music hits!! (Patty sez: it occurred to me I never told KC Jock's song!)

 

COLE

Oh no.

 

Poor Melody's eyes bulge and Leon is quickly out from behind his desk, ready and waiting as Mr. Dick strides out. Wearing a pair of jeans that ride dangerously low down his waist and looking like he's just stepped straight out of the shower otherwise, Jock walks out with a scowl on his face and enters the ring. Melody cowers a little until Leon steps between her and her former charge.

 

LEON

I don't know what in the hell you thi...

 

JOCK

Clam up, okay?

 

LEON

Incase you hadn't noticed, this is MY show.

 

Jock sneers, turning his back on Leon.

 

JOCK

You know, it's so easy to paint a picture of somebody when you're only hearing one side of the story. You wanna know the real deal? You come to the real deal. And that'd be me. See, I had to come out here before I vomited. This little love-in, sharing your feelings? Save it for MSN, okay? That crap didn't cut it with me during that little 'meeting' you've been crying about and it ain't cutting it with Mr. Dick now neither. Now...

 

LEON

Far be it from me to repeat myself, but this is MY show, okay? And seeing as you're out here, I've got a few questions. So maybe you'd like to take a seat?

 

JOCK

I'd rather stand.

 

LEON

Good, because you're so lathered up in baby oil you'd probably slide flat on your ass anyway.

 

Sneering again, Jock wipes his chest down and admires his muscularity.

 

LEON

Now, questions, questions. The obvious question, I suppose, would be "why?" But we've heard your warped version of events already, haven't we? You say that you're the 'superstar'. How Baron was holding you back, how Melody was holding you back, this, that. I think the better question is... did The Enterprise really do THAT much damage to you? You've obviously gotten hit too hard in that big Texan head of yours and you've become a totally different person to the Jock Mulligan I know. See, the Jock Mulligan I know was a gentleman. The Jock Mulligan I know was a good person. Not some self obssessed, narccissictic high-school jock, if you'll pardon the pun, who insists on being the self-proclaimed 'Dick' of the OAOAST...

 

JOCK

Mr. Dick, actually.

 

LEON

And, that's something you're proud of?

 

JOCK

You're damn right I am. Listen Leon, I'm gonna say this to you real nice since as you said we go back a little way. I used to be that guy. But the Jock Mulligan you knew is GONE. That Jock Mulligan is gone. That Jock Mulligan was a pussy... (looks at Melody) ...and everybody knows, if you want success in this world, dicks can get places that pussies don't. That where I come in. I'm not just a dick, I'm Mr. Dick now. And I'm heading for success in this world, the success that I deserve to have!

 

Jock stops and raises his arms in the air, to predictable boos and a look of utter disgust from Melody.

 

LEON

Is that so?

 

JOCK

That's so. And deep down you know I'm right, Rodez. But I'm out here to set the story straight, so let's set it already. Okay? See, I said some things that I really didn't mean...

 

Jock turns to Melody.

 

JOCK

...and one of them was to you. Apparantly, I said that you weren't good for anything. Must have been in the heat of the moment. Because, now that I think about it, you are good for something... and that's opening your legs! Isn't that right, Leon!?

 

MELODY

 

COLE

Give me a break! What a reprehensible thing to say!

 

JOCK

Yeah, your management technique is great, huh. You've got two great management techniqu...

 

LEON

And NOW we get to the problem! Forget all this talk of success and realisations people, because it strikes me now that maybe, just maybe, Jock Mulligan's frustrations are a little... 'closer to home'. The fact you'd criticise Melody is disgusting to me. But, if she DID open her legs up, it sure as hell wasn't for you, was it Jock?

 

That hits a nerve with Mr. Dick.

 

LEON

You know, I think I speak for everybody when I say I've heard enough out of you Jock. So, I suggest you do us all a favour, turn tail, go dry yourself off for crying out loud and do whatever it is 'Mr. Dick' does of a night. Because, if you want to turn this into a dick-waving contest with Silky Smooth, I promise you it will not end well for you!

 

COLE

You tell him, Leon!

 

Not appreciating being stood up to, Mr. Dick points a finger in Leon's face before turning and leavi... NO, Jock fakes Leon out and runs at him... BUT LEON CUTS HIM OFF WITH A SPEAR!!!

 

"YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

 

COLE

HERE WE GO!!

 

Leon and Jock go at it on the mat, exchanging lefts and rights with Leon on top. Still clearly torn Melody looks on for a few seconds, before deciding she should step in and trying to pull Leon off of Jock. But before she can do so, suddenly somebody slides into the ring and pulls her off of Leon. Melody is shocked and pretty soon she's fighting for breath, as the muscular woman who's slid in holds her in a rear choke, keeping her subdued. Leon finally notices Melody is trouble and tries to get over and help her...

 

 

 

 

...BUT JOCK LAYS HIM OUT WITH A CLOTHESLINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD!!!

 

COLE

Who the hell is that woman!? Where did she even come from!?

 

COACH

If you don't know that by now, you're in more trouble than I thought Michael.

 

The hysterical Melody is held back and forced to watch as Jock stomps him down until he's no longer moving. Jock turns over the seats onto his fallen body, then lays another boot to the back of the head. Jock then walks over to the desk, picking up what's left of Leon's pizza. He takes a slice, thinking about taking a bite... but doesn't want to ruin his physique with junk food, so instead SMUSHES THE PIZZA INTO THE FACE OF MELODY!!!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

 

COLE

You dirty motherfu...

 

COACH

HEYHEY!

 

Seeing this gives Leon a small burst of adrenaline, but too small to do anything. Jock kicks him back into grogginess before pulling him to his feet. The big Texan hoists Leon up onto his shoulders and sets him up, throwing him up in the air and bringing him down across both knees, as he did to Moracca earlier!

 

COLE

This is reprehensible!

 

With Leon down and hurting, Jock calls the powerful woman off of Melody and she throws her to the canvas. Jock and the mysterious woman then leave, with Jock taking a look back in pride at what he's done.

 

"LE - ON!"

"LE - ON!"

"LE - ON!"

"LE - ON!"

 

Tears streaming down her cheeks, Melody crawls over to Leon with cheese and tomato puree still on stuck on her face and tries to check he's okay, taking a look back at Jock who just laughs at her.

 

COLE

Somehow, Jock Mulligan gets worse by the week. I really don't know what to say. He just makes me sick!

 

COACH

Go rub ya vagina somewhere else, son. Straight up and down like six o'clock, Jock is the man. The Gunslingers breakin up is great. Its separating the fakeness, Baron and Melody, from the realness, Jock and myself, the riders, Jock and myself again from the punks, Melody and Baron. The grass is getting chopped, baby. If Leon ain't careful he gonna get mowed down worse then he just did. You soft like Dirk so take a lesson from the man, take ya bitch slap and move on. Better stick to Zack's second fiddle, brah. This bitch, Leon, got "Its Raining Men" on replay on his iPod.

 

COLE

Well, that's your opinion one that's not shared by many of our fans. Folks, coming up next is our mainevent, one with many huge implications on our world title scene as well as Todd Cortez's place in La Cucharacha International. Stay tuned!

 

THE OAOAST OH SNAP! INSTANT REPLAY IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY UNDER ONE ROOF STARRING FLAVA FLAV. SETTING BLACK ENTERTAINMENT BACK TWENTY YEARS.

 

Jock then walks over to the desk, picking up what's left of Leon's pizza. He takes a slice, thinking about taking a bite... but doesn't want to ruin his physique with junk food, so instead SMUSHES THE PIZZA INTO THE FACE OF MELODY!!!

 

 

COMMERCIAL

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

THE GRUDGE CONTINUES

LANDON MADDIX VS TODD CORTEZ

NEXT

Edited May 3, 2008 by Patty O'Green

[Patty O'Green 0]

The FANTASTIC Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis is our vocal date on a high angled trip around the monument ladden skyline of Milan and through its historic and treasured streets. And trill talk, leona lewis fine azzz hell! ya'll see her on idol? girl can STR8 get da biddy!

 

*THE CHAMP IS HERE!*

 

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

 

A lightning bolt hits the stage, sending a plume of smoke up into the air as "Know Your Role 2000" begins to play through the arena. The Milan crowd rise to their feet as Tha Puerto Rican emerges through the smoke, lowering his expensive sunglasses to take a look out through the people. His people. Flicking the sunglasses back up, PRL then swaggers to the ring with an air of cool despite the cheering all around him. The OAOAST World Championship sits over the shoulder of his custom made silk shirt, as PRL has clearly come not to fight but to talk.

 

COACH

Wai... wait a minute. He's not coming over here... is he?

 

COLE

Oh, yeah, I meant to tell you about that earlier. Sorry. Better get those apologies thought up quickly, hadn't we?

 

COACH

 

As Coach panics and prepares to grovel, Tha Puerto Rican enters the ring and scales the turnbuckles, raising the World Championship in one arm over his head and smelling the electricity in the arena.

 

"P - R - L!"

"P - R - L!"

"P - R - L!"

"P - R - L!"

 

COACH

These people love PRL and who can blame them!?

 

COLE

He can't hear you yet.

 

COACH

Oh, sorry.

 

PRL climbs a second set of turnbuckles and shows off his gold again, leaving the other two sides be. After all, he's got the night off, might as well take it easier on himself, hey? PRL instead leaves the ring and heads for the commentary table, where sure enough Coach is right up on his feet ready to greet him.

 

COACH

These people love PRL and who can bla-*ARGH!*

 

PRL

Get the hell out of here you turncoating bastard! Go on, get! HYAH! HYAH!

 

Coach wisely scurries off to the back as fast as his legs can carry him.

 

PRL

Oh, I almost forgot... have a nice day, Coach! Now, Michael Cole, before you even think of opening your mouth, think carefully, because that could be you in one second flat!

 

COLE

...great to have you out here, Champ!

 

 

*DINGDING!*

 

BUFFER

The following contest is scheduled for one fall, to determine the main-event of School's Out 2008!

 

 

"PREPARE...FOR...LANDON!"

 

...WAAAAAHHHHH...

 

*DUM DUM*

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

"Megalomaniac" by Incubus pierces the crowd's excited cheers and brings the Italians to their feet. They know all too well what this music means and are ready and prepared to boo the oncoming challenger out of the building. Eventually, out through the curtain bursts Maddix with Megan Skye at hand. Landon extends his arms to the side and soaks in the reaction from the crowd, negative or otherwise, before heading down the aisle with a flamboyant sweep of his trenchcoat.

 

BUFFER

Introducing first. Accompanied to the ring by MEGAN SKYE! He is the leader of Cucaracha Internacional. From Huron, South Dakota by way of Madrid, Spain... weighing two hundred, eight pounds... the former OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion... LLLAAAAAAAAANNDDOOOOONN... "LA CUCARACHA"... MMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAADDIIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

COLE

Here comes the would-be number one contender. Over the past three weeks, Todd Cortez has gone through Spanish Fly, Leon Rodez and Nathaniel Black to become the number one contender. Landon has spent the European tour facing local unknowns, one of which he didn't even fight and instead fed to Faqu! And yet, here tonight, Landon could find his way into the School's Out main-event.

 

Landon climbs the steps and after a scanning of the crowd he enters and spins himself into the centre of the ring. Coming to a stop, his attention rests on PRL at the commentary table. Pointing a finger down at the World Champion, Landon tells PRL to "relax" and that he's "got this", which seems to confuse him a little.

 

COLE

PR, if you don't mind me asking, who are you pulling for tonight? What's your preference for your first Pay Per View World Title defence, at School's Out?

 

PRL

You know it really doesn't matter to me, if it's Todd Cortez, Todd Cortez and Landon, Todd Cortez, Landon and Megan, add in a dash of Samoan, a pinch of Canadian, a light sprinkling of Englishman, it really makes no difference to me. I couldn't really care less.

 

COLE

Well some people are speculating Champ that you'd rather this match wasn't happening, because you had it all set up. Todd Cortez one on one, without the Riot Act Plus to worry about. And people are wondering which would be more dangerous. Would you take a third man in Landon Maddix, if it meant you didn't have to worry about that deadly Riot Act Plus?

 

PRL

I'd be lying if I said I wanted to be dropped on my head like that, but either way, that's not gonna happen at School's Out. Fact!

 

 

.:CUE: "Oh No", Mos Def, Nate Dogg, and Pharoah Monche:.

 

 

BUFFER

And, introducing the opponent... fighting out of 'Hollywood Boulevard'! He weighs two hundred, twenty six pounds... the number one contender to the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship... "THE URBAN LEGEND"... TTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODD... CCOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRTTEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

 

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

 

Wasting no time, Cortez marches down the aisle with a purpose and slides right into the ring... and is promptly moved back by referee Mike Chioda, away from Landon who has ducked between the ropes calling for a timeout. Sure, the match hasn't started yet, but whatever.

 

COLE

Cortez wants at Landon Maddix in the worst way. If he wins tonight, he's officially free of Landon's control!

 

PRL

Stables are for losers. Always have been.

 

Once Todd is a safe distance away, Landon creeps out of his hiding place and reminds Todd that until the bell rings he can't really do anything to him. "Not yet" is Todd's response. Landon takes his time about getting ready, giving Todd time to remove his bulletproof vest, his cross and chain and also chance to calm down a little.

 

 

*DINGDINGDING!*

 

With a big shit-eating grin on his face, Landon walks out of the corner running his mouth at a mile a minute, taunting Cortez about this and about that. Maybe the AngleMania victory. Maybe the chance he'll be co-number one contender. Or, more likely, the fact Cortez can't use the Riot Act Plus, as he kindly reminds him before ducking his head. Cortez looks on with a scowl as Landon stands bent over, almost daring Cortez to go ahead and hit the Riot Act, knowing full-well that he can't.

 

 

*SLAP!*

 

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

 

But he CAN slap him on the back, and hard. The jolt of pain snaps Maddix bolt upright...

 

 

*SLAP!*

 

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

 

...and Cortez strikes him with a knifedge to the chest!

 

 

*SLAP!*

 

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

 

And another! Irish whips sends Landon into the corner... not just into, but upside down and over the top! Landing on his feet on the apron, Landon gets his bearings and quickly runs the apron towards the far corner. But Cortez intercepts him with a HOLLOW POOOOOOIIIIIIIINNTT, SENDING LANDON FLYING INTO THE BARRICADE AT RINGSIDE!!!

 

COLE

OH MY!!

 

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

 

Megan rushes to Landon's side as he lays writhing at ringside, but quickly gets out of dodge as Cortez leaves the ring. Grabbing Landon, he pulls him to his feet and nails a straight right hand. Holding his side Landon staggers away, Cortez following in low with a tackle that drives La Cucaracha back-first into the guardrail again!!

 

PRL

See, this is a prime example of what happens when you piss off the wrong guy Michael Cole. And Maddix makes pissing people off so damn easy, it's only a matter of time before one of them is the wrong guy.

 

COLE

Well right now, Landon is being dominated!

 

After a succession of right hands against the guardrail Cortez drags Maddix back towards the ring with a handful of hair. Face-first into the ring apron he goes before being dumped back inside, where-in he quickly tries to beg off and hold his ribs at the same time. Cortez doesn't fall for that one and stomps Landon before hauling him back up, whipping him into the corner again. This time Landon bounces right back out, send airborne with a BAAAAACK bodydrop! Maddix tries to beg off and even Megan gets in on the act, both drowned out by the Milan crowd encouraging Todd to kick his BUTT.

 

COLE

Look at Megan, trying to 'reason' with Todd. No shame at all.

 

PRL

I tell ya, if some woman dumped Tha Puerto Rican for La Cucaracha, I'd call that a lucky escape, because clearly there's something not right upstairs.

 

COLE

And Popick?

 

PRL

Yeah, same deal.

 

Cortez pulls Landon back up and nails him with a right hand. A second. And a third. Backed up against the ropes, Landon is then sent for the ride by Todd, who ducks his head for another backdrop. Landon puts on the brakes and connects with a kick, tapping his head to show how smart he is. The kick barely phases Cortez though, causing Landon to panic and execute a whip of his own. Drop down sends Todd up and over, Landon back up and looking for a leapfrog... CAUGHT WITH A SITOUT SPINEBUSTER!!

 

"OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO!

 

Barely having kicked out, Landon quickly pulls himself back up... and walks right into a right hand!

 

COLE

Things are NOT going Landon's way so far here in Milan!

 

Stumbling into a corner, Landon is grabbed again by Cortez, looking for a whip. Landon manages to reverse this time though. Into the buckles, Cortez suddenly feels a hand on his ankle and turns around to see Megan Skye holding him in place. Cortez manages to pull his foot away just in time, as in flies Landon looking for a big leaping forearm smash. Instead he leaps straight into the turnbuckles, leaving him open for a German Suplex, with a bridge...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

No!

 

Landon staggers to his feet and tries to stagger away as best possible from The Urban Legend. Cortez follows in after him and dives at Maddix looking for a clothesline...

 

 

 

 

...but Maddix ducks and CORTEZ GETS HIS ARM HUNG UP IN THE ROPES GOING OVER THE TOP!!!

 

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

 

PRL

That ain't good.

 

Referee Chioda quickly rushes over to try and get Cortez free, but Maddix beats him in the footrace in his determination to capitalise. Maddix remorselessly kicks away at Cortez like a pináta as he hangs by the arm over ringside in serious pain. And when Chioda forceably moves La Cucaracha back, Megan adds to his misery with a shot to the gut from the outside. Eventually the referee manages to get Landon back long enough to untie Todd's arm, the number one contender falling to the outside where he grabs at his shoulder while Landon stands back with a smile on his face.

 

COLE

What a bad slice of luck for the Urban Legend.

 

PRL

No doubt. Those ropes are tighter than you'd think unless you've actually wrestled in your life... Michael... getting caught up in them is no fun.

 

Reaching out of the ring, Landon pulls Cortez back up onto the apron. He then takes the right arm and guillotines it down across the top rope!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

The former World Champion looks much more confident now and takes his sweet time with Cortez. Setting him up, he brings Cortez back in with a suplex, floating with a little difficulty into a lateral press...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

No!

 

Landon wrings out the arm bringing Todd back to his feet. A couple of sharp tugs on the shoulder leave Cortez on one knee and grimacing in pain, at the mercy of the smiling La Cucaracha. He wrings out the arm again, bringing Cortez over to the canvas where he applies a short-arm scissors.

 

PRL

Maddix in control, just asking to have the piss slapped out of him with that smug smile on his face.

 

With a nod to the outside to Megan, Landon leans back pulling up on the hold. No submission yet from Cortez though.

 

COLE

Just what kind of damage does this hold do PR?

 

PRL

It's an armbar. You tell me, genius.

 

Looking for an escape, Cortez kicks his feet up looking to roll himself backwards. A clamping on the hold prevents that from happening and Todd winds up right back on his back. Cortez isn't one to just lie around and take a beating though and pretty soon he's rocking back again, this time managing to roll backwards and stack Landon up on his shoulders...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

Kickout by Landon, losing the arm in the process. He beats Cortez to his feet and lands a forearm though, allowing him to wring out the arm once more. Placing the right arm in a hammerlock, Maddix then runs Cortez shoulder first into a corner! Down goes Cortez, lorded over by La Cucaracha to the annoyance of the Italians in attendance. Landon hangs Todd up over the turnbuckles and wraps the arm around the top rope...

 

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!"

"FO..."

 

...which, of course, isn't legal...

 

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!"

"FO..."

 

...so Landon only does it for three seconds at a time, which in his mind consitutes following the rules. Referee Chioda doesn't seem to agree and warns the innocence pleading Landon.

 

COLE

He hasn't changed, has he?

 

PRL

Nope, he's still the same sorry cheating sumbitch he used to be. Same stupid haircut too.

 

As Cortez tries to rub some feeling back into his shoulder, Maddix lines him up. A forearm under the jaw catches Cortez napping. As does a second. He soon wakes up after the third strike though, lashing out with a hard kick which catches Landon right in his ribs and sends him sprawling to the ground!

 

"YYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!"

 

Landon dusts himself off and gets right back up, pounding away on the injured shoulder with right hands to fend Cortez off. A hard slap to the face proves a mistake. But when Cortez storms towards him Landon peppers the shoulder with fists again until Cortez is subdued again. Down to one knee goes Cortez and Landon quickly steps forward...

 

 

*SMACK!*

*SMACK!*

*SMACK!*

*SMACK!*

 

...and strikes Cortez in the face with four quick Kawada kicks!

 

PRL

Cortez better suck it up and quick and I don't mean in that way Cole so settle down and think about baseball or something. I'm talking gutcheck. Cortez hasn't got his fancy piledriver, boo-hoo. Find something else and kick this arrogant jabroni's ass already! If he needs any more motivation than what he's got, he ain't gonna be a threat to Tha Puerto Rican's title reign, trust me.

 

COLE

(sighs)

...manly forearms...

 

PRL

WHAT!?

 

COLE

What? I... I didn't say anything, I...

 

PRL

(points to eyes)

Tell it right to the camera, buddy.

 

With Cortez dis-orientated for a second, Landon sets him up and hits a vertical suplex. Hitting the ropes, Landon then leaps up to bring all his two hundred, eight pounds down across Cortez's chest with a double stomp... and bottoms right out into a back senton for good measure. A moment of checking the ribs and Landon then reaches back to hook a leg...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

No!

 

Armbar applied by Maddix and he brings Cortez back up by it.

 

COLE

Landon not usually known for his submission wrestling, per-se. Staying on the arm though.

 

PRL

An armbar like that ain't gonna cut it though and he knows that. He's just buying time.

 

Landon keeps Cortez under control for a few seconds, then sends him off with an irish whip. Up goes Landon, on point with a spinning back elbow on the rebound. So pleased with it is Landon that he walks over to a corner and leans in the turnbuckles, taking in a mental picture of the moment for safe keeping. Cortez begins to get to his feet as Landon makes a move, so he stays in the corner, going up to the middle rope. The Urban Legend climbs to his feet and walks right into a Front Missile Dropkick from the 2nd floor, connecting on the right shoulder, making a cover...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kickout!

 

Pulling Cortez up again, La Cucaracha backs him up against the ropes and strikes with another forearm.

 

 

*SLAP!*

 

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

 

He then lays in with a knifedge, with not quite the decible level that you get when chopping Landon in response. No matter. Landon wrings out the arm and sends Cortez off with another whip. Maddix then takes a quick glance to PRL, telling him to "watch this" as he goes up with a Dropsau... CAUGHT! Cortez catches hold of Maddix and gets him in a standing headscissors, to the consternation of Megan!

 

COLE

He can't do what he's thinking of doing!

 

So, he doesn't. After realising a Riot Act is out of the question, Cortez instead picks Landon up for a powerbomb. The arm tweaks though and he loses Landon in mid-air, Landon floating over the back and into a sunset flip...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

...no, Cortez rolls through...

 

 

 

*SMACK!*

 

...AND JUST SLAMS THE FLAT OF HIS BOOT INTO LANDON'S FACE!!!!

 

"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

 

PRL

Now that's what I wanna see! About damn time!

 

With Maddix splayed out on the canvas, Cortez drops down and hooks a leg...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO!!

 

COLE

Only a two count, Cortez less than a count away from his freedom!

 

PRL

What a touching story, blahblah... Michael Cole, all that matters and should matter is the OAOAST Championship. Plain and simple. Anyone who spends their life stuck following somebody else doesn't deserve my attention, and will never gonna be World Champion, for the very fact that he got there in the first place and he's not got the balls to get out and stand on his own two feet.

 

COLE

What about The Lightning Crew?

 

PRL

Yeah. How many of my title shots did I hand down to Mr. Boricua again?

 

COLE

Touché.

 

PRL

Damn right touché. Now call the match and stop bringing up things that aren't important anymore. That being The Former Lightning Crew.

 

Still clutching his right arm, Cortez measures Maddix to his feet and delivers a hard kick to the stomach that lifts Landon off his feet. Another kick connects. And a third. And a fourth, finally knocking Landon off his feet. Right back up he tries to go back to begging off, but Cortez is on him with an irish whip. Underneath a clothesline goes Landon, coming back off the ropes and flying in with a flying forearm... but gets 'caught' and quickly dropped across a knee as Todd can't hold onto him with one bad arm. With Landon doubled over, Todd quickly follows up with a Russian Legsweep. He rolls right through the landing and jumps up, looking for a legdrop... MISSED! Out of the way rolls Landon, catching Cortez on his way back up. He throws the arm up over his for the Complete Shot... but a twist of the hips and a judo throw counters that! A little shocked by the takedown, Landon walks right back up and into a Roundhouse Kick... NO, DUCKED!

 

PRL

That's what happens when you know an opponent like these two do. You get to this point and you can't do shit to 'em because they know what's coming.

 

COLE

...well put.

 

Running Cortez into the ropes, Landon pulls him down in an O'Connor Roll...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

Kickout by Cortez, sending Landon forward into the ropes. He goes up and over Cortez, building up some speed. Off the far ropes, Landon then catches Todd around the head with his left arm, swinging himself around the back and bringing him down from the right side with an inverted bulldog!

 

COLE

There's that move again!

 

PRL

Cover him already you jackass!

 

PRL doesn't seem to appreciate the moment's pause to celebrate from Landon, before he finally hooks a leg...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kickout!

 

PRL

Ah, what a jackass! You hit some crazy move like that and the first thing in your mind is 'what does my hair look like?', 'are the people looking at me?'. Take that crap to the Women's Division!

 

Flicking the hair from his eyes, 'the signal' is given by Landon. It's time to go to sleep. Cortez picks himself back up to find his 'boss' waiting on him, delivering a boot to the gut and taking him up into the fireman's carry...

 

 

 

 

...but Cortez slips down the back, uses a handful of hair to pull Landon's head back AND KICKS HIM IN THE TEETH WITH A HIGH ROUNDHOUSE!!!

 

"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

 

COLE

That could be the knockout!!

 

Megan holds her head in her hands, while Cortez cradles his right arm in his left.

 

PRL

Get on him! Forget about your arm, cover!

 

Eventually Cortez is able to and grabs the near leg...

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO, SHOULDER UP!!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

 

COLE

At the last seco...

 

PRL

Gimme a break over here! Are these two even trying to win this, because from where I'm sitting it's pretty debatable.

 

COLE

Well PR...

 

PRL

Hell, whoever wins or whatever I end up having to go through at School's Out, these two better take the rods outta their asses because so far they haven't shown me they've got what it takes to dethrone Tha Puerto Rican, that's for damn sure!

 

COLE

Settle down there Champ.

 

PRL

I'm just amped up, Michael! I'm sick of sitting here, I wanna be in there right now, because you and I both know if I was I'd lay the smackdown on these two in a fatman's heartbeat and beat 'em both!

 

Both men slowly get back to their feet and Cortez looks to be the more alert, but without his go-to move he seems to be thinking about what to do next. Oh the other hand Maddix barely seems to be thinking after that kick to the face. Stumbling around, he walks right towards Cortez. Thinking quick, he goozles Maddix around the throat, gripping the tights and looking for the Urban Assau... NO! The arm won't grip and he can't get Maddix up! Todd changes arms and goozles with the left. But by then the element of surprise is gone and Landon is able to stun Todd with a back elbow, then hook the head and deliver the LANDON EYE!

 

COLE

Is that going to be enough to send Landon to School's Out?

 

Landon on top...

 

 

 

1...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kickout!

 

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

 

Landon sits up and notices the taste of blood on his tongue, realising that his bottom lip has been split open from the roundhouse kick. He looks almost offended and stomps back to his feet, pouting a little as he waves Cortez back up.

 

PRL

Oh, now you've done it. Don't tug on Superman's cape and don't mess up Landon's pretty face.

 

Climbing to his feet, Cortez has his back turned to Landon who is stalking behind him, just waiting for the opening. Slowly Todd turns and he walks into a boot, Landon going up and looking for the CUCARACHA CUTTE... NO! Cortez shoves him off! Keeping his feet on landing Landon comes off the ropes...

 

 

 

 

 

*SMACK!*

 

 

 

...AND GETS LAUNCHED BACK THROUGH WITH A SUPERKICK!!

 

COLE

How's your lips!? Right PR?

 

PRL

I don't use that one.

 

COLE

Oh, sorry. I just thought, 'cause...

 

PRL

Shut the hell up.

 

COLE

yessir.

 

With Landon shaken up at ringside, Cortez runs the ring and WIPES HIM OUT WITH A SURPRISE TOPÉ!!!

 

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

 

PRL

WOAH! Take it easy round the Champ guys.

 

Both Cortez and Maddix end up helping each other up, in a way, if you can call grabbing each other by the hair and/or ears and climbing to your feet 'helping'. The two reach their feet and Cortez quickly turns Landon around, SLAMMING him face-first into the announce table!

 

PRL

Damnit I said take it easy! Almost spilled my Fresca...

 

Still holding onto Landon by the hair, Cortez gets ready to slam him in again only for referee Chioda to leave the ring and try to convince the two to get back inside. The momentary distraction allows Landon to pick up a jug of water off the table though, taking a quick swig...

 

 

 

 

 

...and *SPEWING* it all over THA PUERTO RICAN thanks to a knee to the gut from Cortez!!

 

PRL

Son of a bit-*THUD*

 

PRL is left covered in 'recycled' water and off headset, stood up with a look of fury towards Landon who gets thrown back into the ring. In follows Cortez and The Urban Legend spins Landon around as he gets back up, dropping him with a quick Crotch-Droppah! Off the ropes, Cortez builds up some steam...

 

 

 

...and gets tripped by Megan!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

Cortez angrily turns to his former girlfriend...

 

 

 

 

 

...JUST AS PRL JUMPS INTO THE RING AND STARTS UNLOADING RIGHT HANDS ON LANDON!!!!

 

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

 

 

*DINGDINGDING!*

 

COLE

The World Champion has lost it!

 

PRL lays into Landon, stopping only to spit the hand before laying Landon out with the final punch! Out of the ring bails Landon with PRL hot, tearing off his custom made shirt and waving Maddix back inside. But it's Todd Cortez the World Champion might have to contend with...

 

 

 

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has stopped this match... and, his official decision, your winner, as a result of a disqualification... LANDON...

 

COLE

NO!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

 

BUFFER

..."LA CUCARACHA"... MMMAAAAAAAAAAADDIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

 

Landon breaks into the biggest grin you'll ever see sat on the floor, wiping the blood from his mouth as he looks up into the ring. Realising what he's just done, PRL curses to himself... before getting spun around by Todd Cortez, who is understandably furious!

 

COLE

Cortez has been disqualified, thanks to PRL! And that means that Landon Maddix is going to School's Out... it means Cortez is still in Cucaracha Internacional... and it means that the Riot Act Plus is still banned! What a sickener!

 

Eye to eye go Cortez and PRL with the World Champion trying to explain himself but Cortez not wanting to hear it. Cortez obviously has his own theories and gets in PR's face...

 

 

 

 

 

 

...but before anything can happen, Landon Maddix sneaks back in and pulls PRL away, hoisting him up AND NAILING HIM WITH THE GO 2 SLEEP!!!!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

 

COLE

Oh come on now!

 

Maddix puts the boots to the World Champ, while Cortez goes to make a move towards him but is quickly intercepted by Megan who is quick to remind him that the match is over and touching Landon wouldn't be best advised. Cursing under his breath, Cortez storms off and heads up the aisle, leaving Landon stomping away in the ring!

 

COLE

By hook and most certainly by crook, Landon Maddix has weaseled his way into the main-event of School's Out. And now, he's beaten down the World Champion! Somehow, someway, Landon Maddix is back in the World Title hunt!

 

After a final kick to the back of the head, Landon stops to "smell the electricity" over the fallen frame of Tha Puerto Rican. With the same grin plastered on his face, he then looks up at Cortez heading through the curtain, before standing over PRL with arms raised as we FADE OUT from Milan!

 

The credits roll in front over the tour bus we saw in the intro still slowly proceeding down those somber roadways as While My Guitar Gently Weeps closes us it.

 

FADE OUT

[Patty O'Green 0]

CREDITZ

149

PFL

ALF

KC

O'GREEN

I THINK THATS IT!