Promo: Money, Face Time and Shits and Giggles

[Rawknight 0]

Sitting in the grounds of his million dollar plus crib, Chris Card leans back and takes a sip of special reserve claret from a tall wine glass. With the famous cracked gravestone grin crossing his face, Card makes a sweeping gesture to the camera inviting it to pan around the sumptuous grounds of Card's Scarborough Bluffs estate. Stopping to check the time on his platinum Tag Heuer watch and after briefly flicking a glance towards his top of the range iPhone, Card addresses the camera.

 

Chris Card: You know, I've been referred to as an underachiever in this business.

 

Card takes another $50 mouthful of wine

 

Card: Now, dear viewers, despite being one of the most talented wrestlers to step foot into the ring in the last 20 years, despite having a natural talent, a gift if you will, for this whole sports entertainment thing, I've never held a world title. I've never hit the pinnacle of this industry.

 

Sliding his Armani sunglasses down and peering over them into the camera Card continues.

 

Card: So while the workers down in Cleveland toil away, scrabbling and backbiting their way up the program, Chris Card is lounging here in his massively expensive house, sipping the finest wines and partying with a veritable who's who of society. Yeah underachieving is definitely weighing heavy on my mind.

 

Card emits a snort of derision towards the camera, and by proxy the fans.

 

Card: See the problem with most people involved in this industry, you think in straight lines. Take Landon Maddix. A man who still seems concerned that I worked so hard against him when he was going for the world title. Did Landon become World Champion? Yes. Did Landon make a lot of money out of the deal? Yes. Should Landon still be pissed off at me? Seeing things through his wax crayon scrawl of an outlook as opposed to my beautiful impressionistic watercolours, maybe. But the end result is I kick a few ceiling inspectors in the head, they get annoyed at me and I end up being offered a match.

 

Another smirk. Card leans over and tops his wine glass up while lighting a fat Cuban cigar and taking a quick puff.

 

Card: Now I don't need this match. I have nothing to prove to myself and quite frankly I have no desire to prove anything to the unwashed throng of imbeciles who pay my wages while baying for my blood. But maybe there is something in this match with, now what was his name, Generic Lucharesu Enmascarado #35? You see when I accepted the match, with the generous payday that accompanies it, I got a phone call from Toxxic asking 'Why the hell would you accept this match?” 'Three reasons,' I replied, 'Money, face time and shits and giggles.' Excuse me a second.

 

Turning to a brand new widescreen laptop, Card taps away at a few buttons, smiles broadly and turns back to the camera.

 

Card: Apologies for that. Just checking the stock portfolio. Which brings me neatly to my first reason – money. Now unless you happen to be Ted Turner or Donald Trump, both of whom I know are wrestling fans and therefore by extension Chris Card fans, you are watching this from a worse financial position than I'm in. The practical fact is that pro wrestlers go through their careers talking about the bottom line. Well for Chris Card the bottom line IS the bottom line. When I check my statements and see wealth accumulating I know that I'm doing well. It's a warm fuzzy feeling that I'm sure few of you have ever experienced. I also know how much money I can command when I step between the ropes. Now I'm not going to end up like any number of broken down, flat broke or just plain old dead wrestlers who burn themselves out before they hit 40. Like a fine wine a Chris Card match is something to be savoured, and making them all the more rare makes the anticipation that much more when I actually DO step into the ring. Anticipation equals viewers. Anticipation equals DVD sales and PPV buys. Anticipation makes the SWF money and what makes the SWF money makes Chris Card money. You, dear viewers, are going to fork out that hard earned cash of yours for the privilege to watch me wrestle. You always have and until I finally hang up the boots for good you always will. So even though I'm only facing a skylight starer, the cash that I will reap from the experience makes it worth my while.

 

Taking another drag off his cigar, Card stubs it out in his ashtray for later and continues.

 

Card: Face Time. This is an easy concept to explain so even the simplest of you should be able to understand it. Toxxic may even be able to explain it to Landon, possibly without having to resort to using a rubber duckie as a visual aid. Chris Card wrestling means more Chris Card on TV. Given that you get to see me twice on the show as TKO are busying themselves going 'hood' against Nunez and Bruner that means double the exposure for the Chris Card brand. Consider me as a sort of David Beckham figure. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, my presence is the most important thing. The main difference of course, along with the ability to count past 20 fully clothed, is that I have always been smart enough to work this out for myself without needing a scheming wife or personal brand manager helping. I know how much exposure is the right amount and come 3D2C the public gets it's medically recommended dose of Perfection.

 

Card takes another long slow sip of wine before advancing to his third point.

 

Card: Finally, and it comes somewhere down in my priorities behind making money is the consideration of how much fun it will be teaching an overcaffeinated cruiserweight a few important wrestling lessons. As much as occasionally putting my foot through someone's ribcage from a managers standpoint can be, I felt it was time to lace up the boots and enjoy wrestling someone into knots that a Sea Scout couldn't untie. Technical Perfection has always been so much more than a nickname. It's a title. It's a description. It's an explanation of how immensely talented I am boiled down into a two word epithet. As much as I despise the hard slog of a day in day out professional wrestling schedule, I do actually enjoy occasionally getting into the ring and putting my brain into sharp relief by returning my opponents to their natural state, backs to the mats. I carry a philosophy through my matches that allows me to wrestle at a higher level. It's like Leon Trotsky's revision of Communism. A philosophy which, if applied correctly, could have lead to global domination while the rest of the party was left pandering to Marx.

 

Card snorts again at his admittedly slightly stretched pun.

 

Card: So come “Damaged Doors Don't Come Cheap” you, you lucky lucky people, get a chance to see Chris Card in competition for the first time in a couple of years. Expect brilliance. Expect dominance. Expect nothing but the best and I guarantee that none of you will be dissapointed. Unless of course you happen to be a fan of Generic Lucharesu Enmascarados.

 

Card flicks a button underneath his chair and the whole affair drops backwards into a more relaxed configuration. Lying back and sliding his shades back up his nose, Card offers one more thought to the watching public.

 

Card: It's great being Chris Card.

 

[Retard Girl 0]

But maybe there is something in this match with, now what was his name, Generic Lucharesu Enmascarado #35

 

 

this is one of the best lines ever. oh, and the rest of it was awesome too. Mister Bling.

[Toxxic 0]

And the funniest thing of all? Dance Dance Dragon's Japanese!

 

Great promo though.