OAOAST Syndicated 5/20/08

[Patty O'Green 0]

 

Brought to you by American Express

Taped: 5/15

First air date: May 16th, 2008 (check local listings for airings in your area)

Lead correspondent: Tony Brannigan

Announcers: Josh Matthews and....

 

(that was supposed to be a pic of bill walton!)

 

Our special guest Mister Bill Walton welcomed us to the show,

“Tonight we celebrate the brilliance of the OAOAST. And what a classical artform it is. It was 203 years ago where the world first heard Beethoven's symphony in E flat which escorted in the age of romanticism. And when I look at the OAOAST I think of Beethoven and the age of romantics. This team has got it all.”

 

***Spencer Reiger Vs Detective Tango Bosley W/EMT Tim Cash***

 

Freshly whipped by THE GREATEST COMBONATION OF BEAUTY AND BEATDOWNS THE OAOAST HAS EVER seen, Detective Tango Bosley sought a calmer challenge against OAOAVW prospect Spencer Reiger. Unfortunately before the match even began Bosley was again placed in a vexing situation. During the pre-match pat down demanded by Reiger, referee Billy Silverman uncovered a pair of handcuffs. Bosley's strangely logical excuse “I'm a cop!”. Silverman had the nerve and stupidity to ask for Bosley's badge, a distraction that gifted Reiger an opportunity to stride across the ring and hammer Bosley with a lariat. Reiger's shady stunt yielded a plethora of offense, as he assailed Bosley with numerous basic strikes. Eventually his punches and kicks generated enough damage, that he began terrorizing the former NYPD officer with mid level moves such as a vertical suplex, single arm ddt, and a front Russian leg sweep. However, Reiger never once came close to putting Bosley away, and that minute of offense was quickly obliterated by a flurry of attacks from the Detective. Reiger had no answers for the powerbombs, and old school offense that Bosley rammed down his throat. Even his sneaky eye rakes and low blows were but minor bumps in Bosley's road of destruction. A violent throat thrust stunned Bosley and bought Reiger enough time to sneak onto the top rope. But when he came off with an axe handle smash, Bosley greeted him with a boot to the gut followed by the famed NYPD-DDT.

 

Winners: Detective Tango Bosley, via pinfall.

 

Josh made the mistake of asking Walton how Rescue 911 compared to some of great athletes he grew up watching. To which Walton responded, “They remind me greatly of the 72 Lakers. Way back when I was a sophomore in college at UCLA when a truly remarkable aggregation of professional talent actually exceeded the hype and hope of a world searching desperately for authenticity. This is the legacy of Rescue 911.”

 

Backstage Tony Brannigan stood with MARV and MEL to gather their thoughts on their sister Malayasia's sudden appearance into the OAOAST. The twins weren't overly happy to see Malaysia, saying that was one branch of the family tree they aren't eager to climb. They admitted they weren't very nice to Malaysia when they were younger, but defended themselves by saying she was as equally hostile. They were only cruel to her to guard against her, as she got off on physically tormenting them every chance she got. MARV said a perfect gauge of the type of person Malaysia is comes from the fact that the family members she best got along with were Abdullah, and Uncle Morton, who's currently serving 40 years for vehicular assault. They finished the interview by stating they'd prefer to continue to keep their distance from her, and advised everyone else to do the same.

 

After commercial the enhancement talent locker room gave Spencer Reiger wide berth, his scowling face keeping them to their distance. Unaffected by Reiger's arrogantly cruel disposition, EMT Cash burst into the room. Annoyance, disgust, and dismay were written across a face that shot daggers through Reiger's heart. “What?” Reiger asked in sneering disdain. Cash laid into Reiger with alarming ferocity, zeroing in on his prematch shenanigans, and verbally cutting Reiger to shreds. He stated Reiger had a world of talent, but wouldn't amount to squat if he employed those kinds of shady tactics.

 

For a moment it appeared Cash's harsh words were to be the seeds of change for young Reiger. Then Bosley appeared with words that recklessly trampled over Cash's wisdom seeds. “Brother, that was absolutely ALPHA! That's the kind of shit guys around here need to be doing.” He proclaimed to Spencer. “Guys get too busy worrying about pussy crap like class, or respect, or sportsmanship, and you come in like a freakin' god, and you stomped on the balls they don't have like a freakin' ALPHA MALE OF THE GROUP. I love it, baby! I love it That's how we did in the NYPD and I love it, bro, you are a god!” Chuckling with a strange excitement, Bosley turned to Cash for agreement. But, Cash only tossed up his hands in confusion and walked away. That didn't bother Bosley much as it gave him more time to boast about his biceps, abs, and killer workout routine.

 

Footage from earlier in the day of Jumbo, Deuce, and Denzel Spencer driving through the streets of Belfast was shown. Unfortunately, the trio themselves aren't visible due to Spencer's penchant for smokin on that grass clouding up the car. Deuce and Bigelow at first discussed their upcoming six man title match with Internationally Known with much confidence. That is until they listed the achievements of their foes, then their fighting spirit waned significantly. They felt a loss inevitable, and wondered if they should just forfeit. That's when Spencer interjected, “We bad bwoys, and bad bwoys no flee, yuuts. Back home, di rasta, dey say bun dung bumbaclots. Kill the assholes! Internationally Known is bumbaclots. Naa worry bout 'em, mon, we goin punch 'em face in. Tru, Tru,” Though the fatties didn't know what the hell he said, it sounded cool, and somehow their confidence was restored!

 

***Six man titles: Internationally Known Vs Denzel Spencer, Jumbo, and Deuce Deuce***

As clips from Faqu's destruction of last week's hot-dog eating contest/rap off were shown, Walton commented “The hot dog eating contest was a celebration of the great sport of wrestling...of life itself! Faqu's interrupting it was a pathetic move by a pathetic human being.” Faqu certainly didn't look all that pathetic at the start of the match, as he pulverized all three members of the opposition with repeated headbutts. Fortunately, the challengers gained the upperhand when Spencer caught Faqu by surprise with a springboard dropkick. From there he played a brief cat and mouse game with the Samoan, tagging him with dropkicks and arm drags, while avoiding his potentially deathly offense. Once Faqu realized he had zero answers to Spencer's evasive assault, he brought his long time friend, Blonde into the affair. Blonde was more capable of handling the Jamaican's style, and slowed him down a bit by coming into the match with a lockup. Though neither would be confused as technical wizards, they did go through an impressive sequence of arm drags and leg locks. But it was a Scissor kick that earned Spencer an advantage and the time to tag in Jumbo. The blubbery brawler came in fueled by vengeance and overran Blonde with a body splash. That move was merely the opening act to several thunderous splashes and BUTT drops from the oversized competitor. After being flattened like a pancake, Blonde wasn't given much time to return to normal size, with Deuce's intro into the bout. But, Deuce's chance to further mangle the Canadian never came to pass due to Blonde attacking him with a low blow. Stunned by the cheapshot, Deuce was hit with Guilt Trip (Play Of The Day/Playmaker ). The signature hold nearly ended Deuce's title bid with a near three count. Walton, was unimpressed, "A year ago it looked like the OAOAST was moving forward when they bought out Flex Phillip's contract. Now, they still have him. His name just changed to James Blonde."

 

Faqu reentered the bout and proceeded to trade heavy hands with Deuce, neither one willing to back down. Faqu secured victory in the brief boxing match by flooring Jumbo with an axe kick. "Faqu is one of the greats. Not just of this generation, but of all time." Walton proclaimed to Josh's disbelief. But the all time great was put down by a bulldog from Spencer, who retreated back to his corner to make a tag with Deuce. Upon reentering the ring he attempted to replay the strategy that served him so well earlier. But on the second go-round Faqu was prepared for his speed, and met a running cross body block with a Samoan drop. After only getting a two on the dangerous counter, the savage warrior tagged Black into the match. For several exciting minutes, Spencer matched the technical skills of Black, and reversed several submissions into ones of his own. But over time, Black's talents far exceeded Spencer's limitations and the Brit trapped his foe into deadly submissions that targeted the leg. Every time Spencer would fight out, Black would bring him down to the mat with a shin breaker, chop block, or dragon screw and reapply his painful hold. Although not prone to showmanship, Black decided to finish Spencer off in the most glorious way possible; he fastened him onto the top turnbuckle, and climbed up with him, ready to hit a super shin buster. But, Spencer miraculously succeeded in countering with super bulldog! As the fans applauded this stunning reversal of fortunes, he made a pivotal tag with Jumbo! “Jumbo is back into this match!” Josh screamed, “Nathaniel Black what misery hath you wrought?” Walton moaned.

 

A Jumbo sized (lol) hand discarded Black like a common house fly. And Blonde's entry into the ring cursed him with the same fate. But, the trendsetter stood back up to continue the fight, only be set back down on the mat by a chokebomb. But Jumbo's display of power was crushed beneath the thrust kicking foot of Faqu! Deuce attempted to combat Faqu with various punches and elbow smashes, but a High Angle Backdrop Suplex was all Faqu needed to fight him off. Faqu was delighted with his dominance and celebrated with an earth shaking island roar. But, this let him get caught off guard by Spencer's Carribean Compactor (Northern Lights Bomb)! The Jamaican couldn't even entertain a pin before Block trapped him into a pinning situation with a cross body block. Right as the ref's hand hit the mat for the second time, Jumbo sprung into action and the air with body splash aimed at Black. But the Brit moved out the way and his partner was crushed beneath Jumbo's 440 lbs! Jumbo backed away horrified at his error, and eager to right this gross wrong. But, Black drove a Chelsea Dagger(final cut) through Jumbo's title dreams, and secured another successful defense.

 

Winners: Internationally Known, via pinfall.

 

"Jumbo let the opportunity of winning the most important belts in the history of sports entertainment go away because he couldn't get himself away from the buffet table. He shames us all." Walton lamented as Internationally Known celebrated their latest victory.

 

On the interview podium which fat cat capitalist greed has now decorated entirely with IKEA brand furniture, Tony Brannigan stood with number one contenders for the One and Only World Tag Team Titles, ThunderKid and Reject. The duo expressed their ire over the idea that Team Heyross going so long without winning the tag title was some kind of travesty. Reject stated that it wasn't a travesty at all. It was a reality, a “reality that they weren't and still aren't good enough to hold the belts.” Following that up, ThunderKid noted that their own lack of tag gold came from a frustrating absence of opportunity not a lack the lack of skills they cited Team Heyross as having. Both men promised to make good on their rare chance to capture tag gold.

 

***Biff Atlas Vs Blake Hamilton***

Obviously fearful of Northern Ireland's bloody past, safety minded Biff wrestled this match in full riot gear. He could've wrestled bound and gagged for all the danger his foe presented him. Atlas made short work of Hamilton, smashing him with brute strength. After busting him wide open with headbutts form his helmet covered dome, Atlas let his kevlar suit KO Hamilton with a running forearm.

 

Winner: Biff Atlas, via knockout.

 

“Biff Atlas performs magical moves the likes of which have never been seen before! He's a treat and a treasure for the world at large!” Walton declared post match.

 

JOSH

WTF?

 

Backstage the bubbly was flowing, the merriment was high, and the party was going down because dudes were celebrating the good times. Two, incredibly obsessed fanboys named Shayne Brave and Tyler Bryant were celebrating that is. And what might be the cause of their immense joy and reverly? As if you even had to ask! The cute teenyboppers were thrilled by the fact that their adored pinup, Krista would be in the OAOAST ring this coming Friday! To welcome the return of Queen Krista, the kids were busy preparing her special gift basket. Unfortunately their generous offering was nearly derailed by one simple item, chapstick! Tyler believed she liked Grape, while Shayne insisted she preferred Strawberry. Neither willing or able to concede an error in their Krista fandom, D*LUX nearly came to blows. But then, The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew, two men who hate Krista as much as D*LUX love her, entered the room.

 

Needless to say they scoffed and scorned at D*LUX's efforts to show their love and appreciation to Krista. They angrily pointed out that Krista has humiliated and degraded just about every man in the OAOAST, and D*LUX's adoration is just another occurrence of that long running theme. Tyler, and Shayne tried to remain diplomatic, expanding on Krista's good qualities and extending an invitation to their branch of the Krista fan club. Lucius was unmoved. “Shit, I ain't getting out the ho bidness for no Frisco dyke. 8 Track Steros, Ataris, and all the bitches I can smash in a minute. Shyeeaaaaat. Ya''ll must be out yo mind, not unless she finna let me watch her scissor screw some chick. But, I'ma finally smash that bugga bear and make bank. Then I'ma do her like she did me and Rico. I'ma turn that ass on the streets and make some duckets.” Such vulgarities were not tolerated by D*LUX, and driven by heated rage, they attacked the Wrecking Crew! Thankfully security was quick to the scene, before their gift bag could be trampled!

 

“Jason Kapono, Earl Watson, Matt Barnes, Jordan Farmar. These are UCLA legends, men of honor and dignity, that Krista and I both looked to as modern day heroes during our time at that great institution of higher learning.” Walton reminisced with a tear in his eye.

 

SCHOOL'S OUT

May 25th 2008

 

THE OAOAST IS IN CRISIS! At least that's what a slick video package would have us believe. According to the booming voice of the announcer the OAOAST has lost its moral compass in the swampy morass of sin and corruption. Though the lecturing voice never pined blamed on any one figure, the fact that the majority of the visuals focused on Anglesault in varying moods of anger, hate, and rage, made the message fairly obvious. Though the video was numerous in its complaints, it was low on solutions, saying the OAOAST simply needed an Inspirational Leader to be its moral guide. That was the prefect segue to the....

 

HOUSE OF WORSHIP! In the palatial and stunning confines of the HOW set, surrounded by a bevy of Arab beauties in skimpy belly dancer outfits, sat his holiness, Abdullah Abir Nerdly. Abdullah informed us that he has been serving the greater good as Mister Moneymaker's spiritual advisor during his cold war with Anglesault. But, he could not in good conscience, stand behind the scenes while his disciple fights the good fight against evil. Thusly, he announced a School's Out edition of HOW with guest Anglesault, with the intention of “rooting out sin from its darkest chambers.”

 

But, on this edition of Syndicated, Abdullah wished to dispell the rumors that its only The Enterprise who are disgusted with the OAOAST leader. “There's an entire roster of souls fractured by the wayward actions and empty rhetoric of this morose creature!” First on the guest list were Felix Strutter and Reggie Lamont. Strutter angrily ran down AS for ignoring his reign as International World Champion and then letting him waste away after he lost the title. “A travesty to any man who dares to dream beyond his own mortal limitations!” Abdullah cried. Lamont remarked that he felt slighted and shunned by AS, believing AS has a set group of favorites he caters to to determent of those not in his circle. Then Mexico's own Mister Brociua walked onto the set...and began eating the furniture. Then The Last Kings of Scotland, Scotish Scott and Danny Boy, came out, to join in on the character assassination. They branded him a myopic, inkstain goon, a bumbling boor with no understanding of the world outside his NYC apartment. Anglesault's problem, in their view, is that he is a slave to Americana, and a xenophobic mutant. They asserted they had been continually looked over for various opportunities in favor of lesser qualified American wrestlers. With Strutter and Lamont seconding them and Boricua...eating the furniture, they sated that he treats the foreign wrestlers worse then dirt. This brought out Nathaniel Black, and great passion he echoed those comments. He denounced AS as a sad old git, and said he “wouldn't give 'em a squirt of a piss if he was burning.”

 

Tired of all the whining was Jamie O'Hara, who came out with microphone in hand. O'Hara said that while he wasn't going to a pub with AS for half a pint, he didn't “hate the bloke, neither.” In O'Hara's opinion, the problem here wasn't Anglesault's management it was that the complaining six “just suck!” That cutting comment could have resulted in a messy 1 on 6 brawl were it not for Synth Abdul-Jabar emerging to calm the situation. “Ah understand yer unease and anger, young brother.” Synth began. “These dark days is painful, bro, they painful. But good be comin from em. Trust to dat. We'se draggin' skeletons out they closet by the truck full. Dragging them out into the light and putting them to rest. All in the name of Allah.” It was Synth's belief that O'Hara needed a spiritual guide much the same way he needed Abdullah to take him down the proper path to salvation. Thus, the kind hearted soul offered O'Hara the chance to study beneath him. Unfortunately O'Hara rejected this amazing offer by shoving Synth to the ground! Though the gang of foreigners were ready to pummel the Brit into dust, Abdullah hastily called them off and made a match between Synth and O'Hara for the mainevent.

 

As the tense scene cleared, Walton astutely observed, "Where else but the OAOAST could people like Jamie O'Hara, Mister Boricua, Abdullah Abir Nerdly, and Synth Esizer come in and be allowed to be who they are?"

 

NEXT WEEK ON HELDDOWN~!

Pretaped from Hartford, CT!

Krista Isadora returns to the OAOAST ring

I'm sure there's more, dudes just ain't used the booking thread in a minute!

 

***Synth Abdul Jabar W/Abdullah Abir Nerdly Vs Jamie O'Hara***

 

With Esizer dancing down the ramp in celebration of the “great gift of faith” Walton declared "Synth Esizer belongs not only in the Hall of Fame of the OAOAST, but also in the Hall of Fame of Life." Not quite in agreement was O'Hara, who tumbled over the rope with swanton press to wipe out both Abdul-Jabbar and his spiritual guide Abdullah. With the sold out audience rooting him on, O'Hara began hammering his foe with the intensity of a world class brawler. But, the Birmingham badboy wasn't well equipped for a street fight, and eventually Synth was able to battle back with overpowering right hands. After punching O'Hara into a stupor, Abdul-Jabar increased the furor of his attacks by smashing the cruiserweight's face into the steel steps. At referee Charles Robinson's request, the devout Muslim brought his enemy into the ring. There Synth showed why he's a three time tag team champion, dominating O'Hara with neckbreakers, and powerful punching. These attacks built his confidence, but from confidence sprung arrogance, and from arrogance sprung O'Hara, mashing Synth with an army of dropkicks.

 

“Bill, do you think O'Hara is better than someone like Spanish Fly at utilizing his speed at the right moment?

*ten seconds of silence*

“Bill?”

“Thats like asking me to pick which one of my sons I love more!”

 

Distraught with the sudden reversal of fortunes, SAJ retreated to the outside for spiritual counseling from the speaker for the prophets. Guided by the wisdom of the Inspirational Leader, Sytnh returned to the ring and regained control of the match. Again he brutalized O'Hara with a pug ugly brawling attack. However, nothing he did could secure victory against the resilient youth. O'Hara's legion of supporters got behind him, and he used their support to stage a comeback. Hurricanranas and springboard attacks were the order of the day, and forced Synth to make another retreat to the outside. This time Abdullah could offer him no assistance, only able to watch in horror as O'Hara crashed into him with twisting plancha! O'Hara rolled Synth into the ring, and brought the crowd to their by signaling for the Black Russian Legsweep! However, Synth reversed that attack into The Gate of Deliverance (Hammerlock into clothesline), earning a close two count. Back on their feet, Synth threw his boot into O'Hara's stomach and went for a snap Percussion DDT! But, O'Hara frantically shoved his enemy into the ropes, and when Synth returned he flung him head over heels with a hurricanrana! Seemingly woozy from the dizzying assault, SAJ staggered to his feet. O'Hara attempted to capitalize on his weakened state, charging him from across the ring. But, the devious Synth, dipped into his pants and pulled out pages of the Qur'an! These holy words weren't used to recite scripture, instead they were jammed into O'Hara's mouth in a move all to similar to the mandible claw. Unable to escape Synth's lethal hold, O'Hara submitted.

 

Winner: Synth, via submission.

 

After the match Synth sought to cleanse O'Hara of his sin plagued mind, by continuing to suffocate him with his claw hold. But, thank the good heavens for the Christ Air Express, who with lead pipes in tow managed to frighten off SAJ and their adopted brother.

 

Walton closed out the show by commenting, “Abdullah Abir is so ugly he makes Jumbo look like Alix Maria Spezia!”

 

KOBE=MVP

LEBROOM=

HATERS=

Edited May 31, 2008 by Patty O'Green