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Impact Spoilers for 6/5/08

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The "Beautiful People" cut one of the worst backstage promos, segments, whatever the hell it was supposed to be, that I have ever watched in wrestling. Their catchphrases are abyssmal. Angelina looks downright dreadful standing next to Velvet as well. THAT'S one of the highest rated things on Impact? The highlight of them is their fucking of the second rope during their ring entrance and I watched Francine do that a decade ago.

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So I actually tried to watch a full episode of Impact. I failed. I fell asleep. I NEVER fall asleep right in the middle of a television show, sitting upright in my chair, but somehow I did here. I've got a whole lot of complaints, no surprise, but for the most part it's less "Robert Roode bores the piss out of me" and "why do people LIKE the Beautiful People?!" type kvetching, and more serious bewilderment at the utter lack of logic in so much of the booking.

 

-First we start off with Booker/Roode vs. Christian/Rhino. Man, Booker sure forgave Roode pretty easily for breaking his wife's jaw just a couple months back. I mean, they didn't even mention the fact that these guys were so recently part of a heated blood feud. Meanwhile, did they ever explain why Christian and Rhino were friends again, after their own battles with Christian taking a bunch of personal cheapshots at Rhino? The match itself is okay, all five minutes of it before the Dudleys run in. And why are they working for Booker T, again? And why didn't their current theoretical feud enemies LAX come out to stop them? It's weird that for a company which spends so much time explaining stuff how much remains inexplicated. AJ Styles runs in to help Even The Odds afterwards; hey, wasn't this guy beaten down into a bloody pulp for the past two shows in a row? Why does he look fresh as a daisy here? And the icing on the cake: they pull out a table, set it up, and then nobody goes through it. Blueballs, man!

 

-Borash did an interview Earlier Today with Joe. It was right after he was "training", but we see none of the training, just Joe all sweaty and wheezing while he talks. Meanwhile some white guy with a Mr T haircut is wandering around in the background, being an overacting extra trying to upstage the frigging world champion. They talk about Kevin Nash, and this brings up another thing I routinely hate about the booking in this company: a dangerous overreliance on Mystery Angles. You know, Tenay says "Why is Person A committing Action B? We have no idea! We'll try to find out!", and the other wrestler says "I don't know what Jabroni A thinks he's doing, but if he sticks his nose in my business, I'm gonna (insert generic threat here)!". Way, way too much time is spent setting up an atmosphere of confusion which deliberately withholds the motivations of the characters from the audience.

 

-Jesus christ Angelina and Velvet cannot fucking talk. I don't comprehend the people who claim that they can. Their promo here was terrible. Not helping matters was the overacting announcer; hey bitch, just stand there and hold the microphone, don't mug like Jim Carrey at every single thing the performers say. At the end, one of them kisses the camera, and leaves a giant lipstick smudge on the lens... which means we can't see the second half of the segment, where Kong and her terrorist friend threaten to beat up more fans. Seriously, it's just one big blur, we can't see the people talking. Brilliant. And Cheerleader Melissa's "Arabian" accent sounds approximately as convincing as the one I enacted playing a sheik in a shitty play back in high school. That is to say, not convincing at all.

 

-As much as I dislike 'em, I gotta admit the BP had a fun little psuedo-handicap hardcore match against ODB. Probably helped that Skye (the more talented one in the ring) did the majority of the work, while the divariffic Love just took some cheap shots and then got thrown around like a ragdoll. Of course, this being TNA, there were still problems. Why does ODB get a match against them while their hated nemesis Roxxi doesn't? Why was it a street fight, anyway? Why does ODB get to beat them while Roxxi has lost every single match since she got her head shaved? How did Gail Kim miraculously go from being crippled on crutches last week to running around just fine now? And... Mickie Knuckles?! I love that they actually made the bizarre decision to bring her in, but having her as part of the BP stable, while still wearing the same indy gear that she's repeatedly bled all over in various national guard armories all over the Midwest... just fuckin' weird, man.

 

-Some clips of Jay Savage's bachelor party. James Storm bellowing like a fratboy and then bumping for no reason was hilarious. The rest of it was meh, but at least it was short.

 

-Eric Young searches for Elvis. WHY. This is the very definition of Waste Of Time and cannot possibly be leading to anything good. The best-case scenario is that he eventually runs into Honkeytonk Man at Jay's wedding and has a wacky misunderstanding.

 

-Sting talks about shit. I don't care. I think he's had more of these sit-down interviews in TNA than he's had actual matches there. They spend most of it talking about Flair's retirement, nice job putting over your competition.

 

-The announce the next PPV card. There's only four matches signed. And the ratings leaders Knockouts are in none of them. Meanwhile, two guys on the injury bench are prominently featured.

 

-And now to make people want to pay for the King Of The Mountain match on PPV... we've got a King Of The Mountain match on free TV. Yep. Have they ever once explained what the hell it means when the MCMGs point to their hand? Considering they do that every single time they walk down the ramp, knowing why would be nice. Johnny Devine does a moonsault off the freaking penalty box. DO SOMETHING with this guy! He's got all kinds of talent, and the only thing they've even attempted to do with him is briefly make him Team 3D's lackey in that godawful "legally owns the belt but still isn't champion" gimmick. Anyway, long story short, this is the first time I fell asleep.

 

-I wake up just in time to see Kong vs. DAFFNEY~! Oh my god do I love me some Daffney. Love her even more after tonight, since she took an absolutely brutal beating like a fucking champion. She also had a mouthpiece and MMA gloves, which I found really funny for some reason. Anywho, predictably she sadly gets destroyed in just a couple of minutes. The way she was used here sorta indicates that she's probably not coming back, which is a crying shame.

 

-Abyss apparently has been literally mailing in some promos. And considering all the visual effects contained within said promo, it looks like a certain psychotic rampaging monster recently went down to Best Buy and bought himself the latest version of Adobe Premiere. Seriously, if they're supposed to be home videos that Abyss himself is shooting and sending in, don't edit them like a goddamn Nine Inch Nails music video.

 

-Here I fell asleep again, this time for good.

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With all due respect many of your criticisms seem like ones that are simply a matter of you not being a regular viewer.

 

-First we start off with Booker/Roode vs. Christian/Rhino. Man, Booker sure forgave Roode pretty easily for breaking his wife's jaw just a couple months back. I mean, they didn't even mention the fact that these guys were so recently part of a heated blood feud. Meanwhile, did they ever explain why Christian and Rhino were friends again, after their own battles with Christian taking a bunch of personal cheapshots at Rhino?

Actually they addressed it (IMO) quite well and in a similar way they addressed AJ's history with them tonight. When AJ and Tomko turned on Christian he went looking for allies and partners for Lethal Lockdown. Rhino was the first man he went to and he was aghast. He tore him a new one for even trying after everything he had done and ignored. Christian went back the next week and laid out a lengthy apology. Rhino said something like he might be able to forgive him for the things he did to him, but that Christian was like family to his daughter and he couldn't forgive him for what his daughter saw and heard from him. Christian seemed genuinely sorrowful and after a few weeks of being beatdown when he had no friends Rhino bailed him out. It was the core of the slow story of Christian redeeming himself and finding some allies for Lockdown that a lot of people liked.

 

On the other hand Roode/Booker is a joke and a pretty common thing in wrestling that pisses me off. And watching them team up against Christian and Rhino and remembering that TNA DID address the continuity and then seeing AJ address it just made me wonder aloud why they couldn't do 1 backstage segment where Roode and Booker make some kind of heel business agreement where Booker shows wearing down opponents for the title means more to him than beating up the dude who accidentally smacked his wife for the 20th time.

 

The match itself is okay, all five minutes of it before the Dudleys run in. And why are they working for Booker T, again? And why didn't their current theoretical feud enemies LAX come out to stop them?

They've cut a couple of promos together and the motivation has been based on their shared disdain for the others in the lockerroom and belief that considering how highly decorated all 3 of them have been in their wrestling careers they deserve better. They've specifically compared their title counts and success outside of TNA. They've also given the clear impression that they're playing on a simple "power in numbers" principle as the first week they worked together Booker helped Team 3D take out LAX before they helped him win his KotM qualifier.

 

As for LAX they did come out at the end of the show to brawl with the Dudleys. So it seems easy enough to chalk up their absence at the start of the show to them not being around at the time. It was after all the opening minutes of the program and the Dudleys attacked before the match ever even really got going.

 

-As much as I dislike 'em, I gotta admit the BP had a fun little psuedo-handicap hardcore match against ODB. Probably helped that Skye (the more talented one in the ring) did the majority of the work, while the divariffic Love just took some cheap shots and then got thrown around like a ragdoll. Of course, this being TNA, there were still problems. Why does ODB get a match against them while their hated nemesis Roxxi doesn't?

ODB has been fighting with the Beautiful People nearly as long as Roxxi has. She and Kim happily became Roxxi's allies and tag partners since even before the shaving. Plus, I believe Roxxi has had both BP in singles matches over the last few weeks, but I'm not sure of that. I know she had Love last week and ODB (and Kim on crutches but moving fairly well) saved her.

 

-The announce the next PPV card. There's only four matches signed. And the ratings leaders Knockouts are in none of them.

The Beautiful People & Knuckles vs Roxxi, ODB, and Kim was announced by the announcers. They were presumably waiting for Knuckles' debut and Kim's "healing" to book it.

 

Have they ever once explained what the hell it means when the MCMGs point to their hand? Considering they do that every single time they walk down the ramp, knowing why would be nice.

They've explained it many times. Supposedly its a commonly used learning technique in schools in Michigan to show where Michigan is on the map, the palm being the US or something. I don't know but I've heard multiple Michigan natives confirm that it is quite common and the Guns and announcers have definitely explained it on the air a couple of times, probably closer to a year ago when the Guns formed in TNA.

 

 

As much as I like the Beautiful People in their ability to be truly vile people I've really hated their promos the last 2 weeks. Actually, this week's wasn't that bad except for one horrible line of "Don't hate the Beautiful People, hate the game" that when they used last week had me convinced they were going to join Booker T and the Dudleyz. But that week's was horrible. Otherwise I am a fan of them and I think they've actually gotten better as talkers than they were months ago when they started. But they're still iffy at best on the mic.

 

And I hate the EY/Elvis stuff but its short enough that I have taken to ignoring it. I'm also pretty disinterested in the Sting stuff but again, I can ignore it. TNA routinely does these short segments and they never really bother me. If I am interested I tune in. If its a themed one that I know I don't care about I tune out. If I don't know and it ends up sucking it was a whole 30 seconds and I don't care. All told I rather have a 30 second idiotic EY skit each week for a month than a 2 minute skit 1 week. But that's me. Obviously I'd prefer neither.

 

But I thought the KotM was fun without actually being enough to take away from Sunday's main event. I'm very much liking AJ's very logical frustration and anger at all the crap he's taken from Angle (and Tomko, Booker, and Team 3D). Some of the Lethal stuff was amusing which makes this the first time in a month I've cared about him or this stupid wedding, and the seemingly inevitable "The Snake ruined my wedding" gag actually has me kind of wanting to watch it. Also I've been kind of convinced for awhile that Sonjay isn't jealous of Lethal and in love with Val but the other way around, and him somehow thinking Kip James was the best choice for a stripper just felt like I might be right.

 

And I love the road they've taken with Kong's challenge. It makes complete sense that if Kong is offering these challenges and we know it ahead of time that actual wrestlers are going to start coming to Orlando to try to beat her. Having wrestlers appear and be acknowledged for who they are is great and will make the presumingly inevitable end of this story make a ton more sense than these things usually go. Instead of some fan somehow getting a win and then being realized as a wrestler or weeks of Kong beating up anonymous "fans" we have essentially an open challenge to the wrestling world. And you can logically bring in better talent who put more of a fight to her and ultimately someone who beats her not because of luck or a miracle but because she's a peer (if I had to lay money I wouldn't be surprised by Cheerleader Melissa, but if they can nab a name like Molly Holly or Lita that would be notable). Since that segment I've been trying to think of a Memphis based lady with at least as much name value/recognizability as Daffney. That seems to be the one kinda misfire. Daffney almost seems like too popular a name to have been the first name. Seems like you could have fed Kong Bayless or O'Neal first since neither would mean much to anyone but the hardcore indy fan while Daffney is recognizable to WCW fans.

 

So overall I enjoyed the show because the only thing I really disliked for more than a few seconds was the Roode/Booker thing. And really, I in part dealt with that a month ago when they teamed up at Sacrifice.

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With all due respect many of your criticisms seem like ones that are simply a matter of you not being a regular viewer.

 

They've cut a couple of promos together and the motivation has been based on their shared disdain for the others in the lockerroom and belief that considering how highly decorated all 3 of them have been in their wrestling careers they deserve better. They've specifically compared their title counts and success outside of TNA. They've also given the clear impression that they're playing on a simple "power in numbers" principle as the first week they worked together Booker helped Team 3D take out LAX before they helped him win his KotM qualifier.

 

They've explained it many times. Supposedly its a commonly used learning technique in schools in Michigan to show where Michigan is on the map, the palm being the US or something. I don't know but I've heard multiple Michigan natives confirm that it is quite common and the Guns and announcers have definitely explained it on the air a couple of times, probably closer to a year ago when the Guns formed in TNA.

Okay, you were right about the Rhino thing, I'd simply forgotten that. I don't watch the show every week, but I usually watch the show at least once a month. At some point I should've heard the announcers explaining the rest of the stuff above. I haven't. For all of Jim Ross's faults, he finds a way to give the backstory on this kind of thing. When 3D ran in on Christian and Rhino, all they said was that they were on Booker's side; you really need to be more specific than that. And JR usually finds a way to say it in one sentence, unlike Tenay and West's incredibly long-winded exposition which they sometimes spend half the match rambling about.

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Well I'm definitely not going to defend Tenay and West. I have no disagreements with almost every criticism people have about them. Still, Booker and Team 3D cut 2 promos in the last 2 weeks. They formed the week before that after the Dudleys cut a "You watch our back, while watch yours" agreement to an unseen person. So the group has been together for 4 weeks and in the first 3 of them they stated their reasons. So while I agree that Tenay and West are horrible at filling in the stories for us I do think there's something to be said for them not necessarily needing to in the one week when the wrestlers don't.

 

But I definitely agree on the announcers. Last night I said to someone I was watching with how lousy they told to story of Knuckles' debut. Within seconds of her arriving West proclaimed "Well obviously she's muscle that the Beautiful People acquired." But she hadn't yet attacked anyone, she hadn't yet worked with the BP, and the BP hadn't made any references to her. So why West was right it came off (to me at least) like he jumped the cue basically and told us something he probably shouldn't have realized for another few seconds. A few seconds being a few seconds and it being a kind of clear thing, but it rubbed me wrong as another example of how they're not good storytellers.

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Actually, this week's wasn't that bad except for one horrible line of "Don't hate the Beautiful People, hate the game" that when they used last week had me convinced they were going to join Booker T and the Dudleyz.

 

Angelina saying "biatch" three weeks ago made me think she was becoming a female Sean Waltman too.

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I'm amazed Jingus fell asleep on the show. I can see someone saying "TNA sucked tonight" but I can't really see the notion of TNA being so boring one would doze off on it. It's 2 hours of Russorific insanity.

 

I too wondered what on earth was up with Booker and Roode suddenly teaming. I mean HUH??? I hate this sort of thing in modern wrestling, two guys who were feuding just team after a little while as though we've forgotten. RVD/Carlito was a good example of that sort of angle, with guys teaming only 2 months after they were feuding.

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Ok, I'm watching the show and shockingly, it's been cool. I mean it had it's usual shit that makes no sense, like Bobby and Booker tagging, AJ Styles going against Tomko on free tv, and Kevin Nash making a goof out of Joe, he even did the bat thing again, he also told Joe take the base out of his voice, but nonetheless it has been a good show. One question. Will the guys this sunday be able to do half of the stuff the X guys did in the KOTM? if not, why expose them like that? I mean THE KOTM is basically a match that should be a clusterfuck spot fest, and the X guys showed what should be done in a match like this. I don't see the guys sunday being able to pull off anything half as exciting, there is no Harris to carry that load this year. So I'm going to go out on the limb and say giving that match away as a preview was kind of counter productive.

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In TNA? No, the only blood comes from accidental cuts like Roxxi's in the ladder match.

 

On the indies? There's a reason Mickie is referred to as Queen Of The Deathmatch.

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Don't like the idea of what? Women blading in TNA? Accidental hardway blood in TNA? Women blading on the indies? Mickie Knuckles specifically bleeding? Female deathmatch tournaments? The idea of anything that bleeds for five days straight and doesn't die? And whichever one it is, why do you feel that way? Put a little detail into it, don't just say DO NOT WANT and leave it at that.

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But you don't mind a man doing it? What's the difference? It's just a shallow little cut. Taking one bump does more negative impact to your health than blading.

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But you don't mind a man doing it? What's the difference? It's just a shallow little cut. Taking one bump does more negative impact to your health than blading.

 

I don't like too see women bleeding from their head. I don't care about a man bleeding from his head. It's pretty simple.

 

I don't even like women's wrestling that much, I accept it, but if they stopped doing it and just made them valets I'd be for it.

 

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I don't even like women's wrestling that much, I accept it, but if they stopped doing it and just made them valets I'd be for it.

well there's your problem

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I don't even like women's wrestling that much, I accept it, but if they stopped doing it and just made them valets I'd be for it.

well there's your problem

 

No it's not a problem at all, I'm not a big fan of women's wrestling, again it's simple...Not a probem.

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I've never been a big fan of womens wrestling. But that's because I've only ever been exposed to WWE's Women's Wrestling.

 

Having seen most of the stuff the TNA girls bring to the table, I'm more for it.

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TNA Impact on 6/5 drew its lowest rating of the year with a 0.86 rating and 1.1 million viewers going up against the NBA finals. The show did a 0.52 in Males 18-34 and 0.74 in Males 35-49, In the segment-by-segment, ODB vs. Velvet Sky gained 13,000 viewers. Here’s an important one. A quarter featuring Jay Lethal’s wedding backstage, Eric Young at Graceland and a Sting taped interview lost 128,000 viewers and did a 0.70 quarter–the lowest rated quarter for TNA that I can recall in more than a year. The King of the Mountain X Division match gained 64,000 viewers. Awesome Kong vs. Daffney gained 320,000 viewers, which is probably one of the best growth periods for a TNA quarter of the year. I hated it first week but there’s something different enough about it that has worked the last two weeks. The Abyss promo, Joe-Nash confrontation and more bachelor party gained 26,000 viewers. Kip James & James Storm & Lance Hoyt vs. LAX & Matt Morgan plus a Steiner & Williams promo and the Kurt & Karen face-off lost 154,000 viewers. Kurt & Karen may be a turn-off segment. Styles vs. Tomko main event gained 26,000 viewers and finished at 0.92.

 

Credit: Observer

 

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I don't know about the rest of it, I just want to know what these 300,000+ people were doing and who's letting them know when the Knockouts are on the screen.

 

And yes, I realize Nielsens are estimates and that it's likely there weren't 320,000 television sets being turned on/channel changed to Spike at the Knockouts match, but still. Somebody's cuing the Nielsen samples to watch the Knockouts.

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You know, looking at those numbers consider this. The more goofy Russo inspired stuff on the show (Black Machismo's wedding, Eric Young looking for Elvis, etc.) is turning people off while the more straight ahead women's wrestling is drawing more viewers.

 

I think I know why TNA hasn't done the Knockouts spinoff yet. They probably don't want to have to explain how their all women's show beats their regular men's show in the ratings.

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Knockouts are more attuned to the casual channel surfer. Lord knows it's easier to follow a Knockouts match joined in progress than it is to follow virtually any other TNA storyline regardless of what point you inject the viewer.

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