Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted June 14, 2008 THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY PRESENTED IN HD The rousing chorus of the theme song of Ultimate Victory(soon to be replaced!) joins with the gorgeously produced entrance video to welcome viewers around the world to sports entertainment's flagship program, OAOAST HeldDOWN! I shall repost my design of the entrance stage: In case you missed it last week I present the description of entry way: Protruding from above and behind the Angletron is a thin video screen that circles all the way back towards the backstage area, and is highlighted by a neon white and black film strip pattern border. It rests atop a black ceiling that dances soft blue, purple and white spotlights across a slick black entrance floor, which is actually made up of numerous video screens. Beneath the ceiling are two walls that house two sets of video screens, each mirroring what's seen on the Angletron and each shrouded by the glow from roving purple lights. The entrance door sits at the base of the Angletron, leading to short set of long illuminated black stairs. At each side of the entrance set, are a pair of spiraling staircases, decorated by the trademark purple and blue spotlights, and both leading to scaffolding. Our announce team stands in front of the ring, recipients of the only light in an otherwise dimly lit arena. But that's not important right now as double C is on their feet at sofa central waiting to welcome us to tonight's brodcast! COLE Welcome to Charlotte North Carolina for another edition of the highest rated event in sports entertainment, OAOAST HeldDOWN~! I'm Michael Cole, sitting alongside the Coach! Coach how are you planning on destroying the credibility of our show tonight?? What comments will you be using to undermine the hardowork of our talent? COACH America, look at this dude with his suspect man crush on me. He's always had it. Shit to the point I had to drop napalm bombs on his bitch ass so he can back off now the dude is on some scorn shit. Cole, you mumble mouth BITCH, your mother gaves plaintum head and we call the bitch DESTRO. the bitch got fat on her back like an earthworm and two-steps like 2cold scropio rockin Big Van Vader Helmet on her head talkin about IT'S TIME!!!!, IT'S VADER TIME! *DING DING DING* (slow and dramatic) BUFFER LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLadies and gentlemen, get ready for one of our main attractions of the evening! Up next, our first of two championships are on the line tonight, in a rematch from School's Out! The challengers have demanded a rematch, and the champions have accepted, for the OAOAST tag team championship of the WORLD! ARE YOU READY? *crowd cheers* BUFFER Charlotte, North Carolina...ARRRRRRRRE YOUUUUUU RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREADYYYYYYYYYY??? *crowd cheers* BUFFER Then for the thousands in attendance here in Charlotte, and the millions watching around the world...there's only one thing left to say. Ladies and gentlemen...LLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET RRRRRRREADY TO RRRRRRRUMMMMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! The Wall by Kansas hits, as the lights go out and the entrance fills with yellow strobes and smoke. The crowd boos, as Thunderkid and Reject emerge through the smoke. BUFFER Coming to the ring at this time...at a combined weight of 485 pounds! After School's Out, they issued the challenge for tonight's match, and are out to make the most of a second chance, and capture their first tag team titles. Ladies and gentlemen...the challengers...representing the Deadly Alliance...the team of THUNDERKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID and RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEJEEEEEEEEEEEEEECT!!!!! COLE You know, when Thunderkid and Reject issued the challenge for this rematch, they said that there was no clean-cut winner in the first match! That's because they got themselves disqualified when they were facing sure defeat! COACH Now how can you say that, Cole? COLE Team Heyross had Reject set up for their coup de gras move when Thunderkid came in with that chair! It would have been over! COACH Who's to say Reject wouldn't have survived that move? He's a tough guy! COLE Well, the odds were not in his favor! And as a result of the events which transpired after that match, Charlie Moss is the worse for ware with an injured left knee! Thunderkid and Reject roll inside, and pose on the buckles, drawing boos. They hop inside, as Shine by Collective Soul hits, and Team Heyross gets mad props, yo as they come through the curtains. COACH Wow, look at Charlie Moss, this doesn't look good! COLE Moss with a very noticeable limp here, as the champs make their way to the ring! BUFFER Their opponents...at a combined weight of 485 pounds! Two of the grand masters of mat wrestling in our sport, they are ready to take on any obstacle, as proven by their taking on this challenge! Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the OAOAST tag team champions of the WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD...TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMM HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYRRRRRRRRRRRROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! As Benjamin does his pose on the buckles, he is confronted by Thunderkid on the outside of the ring. As the two talk trash to one another, the referee checks the boots of Reject...as Sandman9000 runs from the back, and clobbers Moss in his injured knee with a barbed-wire baseball bat! COLE What is this? It's Sandman9000 again, damn it! Moss writhes in pain, as Sandman jams the top of the bat into the knee repeatedly. Sandman slips under the ring, as Thunderkid rolls back inside, and requests that his apparel be checked. Reject then approaches Benjamin, who hops in the ring, as Sandman comes back out, and lifts up the protective padding on the outside. COACH And Quentin doesn't even know it! This is genius on the part of the Deadly Alliance! Sandman rolls Moss onto his stomach, then grabs his left foot and places his own foot onto the back of his knee, ramming the injured knee into the exposed concrete! Sandman then replaces the concrete, and runs to the back. COLE I can't believe this! And neither the referee or Quentin Benjamin saw ANY of that! As Benjamin begins his stretches, he finally spots Moss in serious pain on the floor. He puts his hands on his head in distress, as TK levels him from behind! *DING DING DING* COLE And the match officially under way, although I don't know how much of a match it's going to be at this rate! Benjamin goes through the ropes to the floor, as TK and Reject follow. TK stomps away on Moss, as Reject shoves Benjamin into the guardrail! Reject then joins in on the assault with TK, as they double-team Moss. COACH Oh man, TK and Reject along with Sandman have planned this perfectly! COLE And you remember, it was Sandman last week following the Match of Champions going after Moss's knee with that Singapore Cane, and tonight, he strikes again! TK rolls back into the ring, as Reject continues on Moss. COLE The legal men here are going to be Benjamin and Thunderkid... Benjamin catches TK with a clothesline as he gets to his feet! Benjamin then lays in some kicks on TK, sending him staggering into a corner, then jumps to the outside and delivers some to Reject. COLE And Quentin Benjamin out to aid his partner! Reject goes to the eyes, and tries sending him into the guardrail again, but Benjamin reverses and sends Reject in! Benjamin rolls back into the ring, then ducks a TK charge, and floors him with a spinning wheel kick! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! TK rolls over and tags Reject, who gets caught with a savate kick, followed by a swinging neckbreaker! Cover... 1... 2... TK tries to save, but Benjamin hops up and gives him a shot to the gut, then begins working over him in the corner. COLE Benjamin fighting valiantly here, 1-against-2! The camera cuts to Moss still in pain on the floor, then Benjamin setting up a piledriver! However, Reject hits him with a double axhandle from behind, then hooks him, as TK backs into the ropes for a clothesline...but Benjamin slips out! TK stops just in time to avoid hitting Reject, but Benjamin dropkicks the two into each other! COACH Benjamin looking good right now, but you got to think he's going to run out of gas soon! Benjamin floors TK with a superkick! TK rolls into a corner, and Benjamin backs into the one across, then comes in with a Stinger splash! Benjamin then backs into the ropes as TK staggers out, and catches him with a BULLDOG~! Cover... 1... 2... Reject saves with a legdrop to the back of the head! COACH See, now he's in trouble, a big legdrop from Reject, and Benjamin basically has no one to tag to here! TK stomps away on Benjamin, then picks him up, and knocks him right back down with a European uppercut! He then tags in Reject, and wrings the arm of Benjamin as Reject climbs to the top, and comes off with a double axhandle to the shoulder. Reject then backs Benjamin into a corner, and delivers a CHOP~! Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! And another! Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! Reject then tags TK, who lifts Benjamin in a Hangman's hold. COACH They're going for the kill now! Reject measures, and drills Benjamin with a roundhouse kick! Meanwhile, Moss is pulling himself up onto the apron! COACH What's this? COLE Look at Charlie Moss! The guts! TK picks up Benjamin in a PRESS SLAM~!, tossing him down onto the mat! COACH Yeah, but what about the brains, Cole? And what about the career? TK then whips Benjamin into a corner, stopping to taunt the crowd, which boos, then charges...but Benjamin rolls out of the way! COLE And Benjamin doing everything he can here to survive... Benjamin rolls into his corner...where Moss tags himself in! COLE And Charlie Moss just tagged himself in! COACH This could be bad, Cole! Moss hobbles in, and delivers a right hand to TK, then one to Reject who comes in! He goes back and forth delivering right hands! COLE But look at him fight! You've got to be impressed with this guy right now! Moss hooks Reject, and drops him with an STO BACKBREAKER~! COLE The STO backbreaker to Reject! Moss pulls himself up, and tosses himself at TK, knocking him back into a corner! He then pulls himself up again, and weakly whips him across, and TK bounces right out and drills him with a BICYCLE KICK~! COLE And Moss got caught with a bicycle kick! TK drops down and hooks the injured knee of Moss... 1... 2... 3!!! COACH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS~! COLE And we have NEW World tag team champions! COACH TK and Reject have finally done it! TK gets up to his knees, and gets a big smile on his face, as Reject excitedly hands him a tag team title belt. BUFFER The winners of the match...and NEWWWWWWWWWW OAOAST tag team champions of the WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD...the team of THUNDERKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID and RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEJEEEEEEEEEEEEEECT!!!!! Benjamin checks on Moss on the outside, as TK and Reject celebrate. COLE Thunderkid and Reject have taken a long and winding road to get here, but they are now the World tag team champions for the first time! They needed a lot of help to do it... COACH Wha...were we watching the same match, Cole? TK and Reject broke no rules within this match! Big deal, Moss had a little boo-boo on his knee... COLE A little boo-boo??? What the fuck is wrong with you? He's had weapons wrapped around it for three weeks now! COACH If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen, Cole! Look what the Celtics are doing to the Lakers right now in the Finals! It's a man's game, and the Lakers are a bunch of kids! Same situation here! Reject wipes the sweat from his brow, and flings it down onto Team Heyross on the outside, then the new champs depart the ring, as the fans pelt them with trash in the aisle. COLE So one title has changed hands here tonight, later on, we'll see if Christian Wright can make it 2-for-2! Right now, let's go to... COMING UP NEXT REEL TALK FOR REEL MINDS REEL TALK WITH GUESTS MISTER DICK AND MALAYSIA NEXT Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted June 14, 2008 Were you aware that James Polk was born in Charlotte? Of course you weren't, and so a lovely image of this prime tourist destination welcomes us back to HD along with Adele's Chasing Pavement If you are what you say you are A superstar Then have no fear The camera's here and the microphones and they wanna know Oh oh oh yeah The Enterprise presents... In association with the OAOAST and TSM "BOOOOOOOOO *canned applause* OOOOOOOOOOO!" BIKINI CLAD BARMAIDS hand Simon Singleton and Ned Blanchard their drinks at the bar, and then it’s down the side ramp steps and into the psychedelic lounge area erected next to the main stage. Special Guest Stars… MR. DICK & MALAYSIA "Reel Talk is filmed before a live audience." Executive Producer/Creator Simon Singleton Co-Executive Producer Theodore Moneymaker Casting Couch Ned Blanchard Security CPA Directed By Molly Nerdly Seated on the couch, the Blonds admire the newly christen Bang-A-Broad 6900 scrolling LED screen which up-to-date total reads: NED BLANCHARD - CHASING CHAMBERLAIN 2,365 happy -- and very sore -- bitches! ^ 55 from 5 weeks ago NED Except no imitations. *cough*TheLoveShack/LoveLine*cough* The mindfuck known as Reel Talk is back live and in living color. He is the mind and I am the fuck, your humble and not to mention very sexy host, “The Handsome Hustler” Ned Blanchard. SIMON And riding shotgun, another blond with a penchant for fun… SIMON S-S-S-SINGLETON! "BOOOOOOOOO *canned applause* OOOOOOOOOOO!" SIMON Aw, shucks, you people are too kind. You know Neddy, baby, with tons of stuff going on in the world there’s no shortage of topics for us to discuss tonight. From politics… NED The Colonel’s still praising Allah for guiding his fellow brother one step closer to the highest office in the land. SIMON …to the Christ Air Express dropping a challenge to the Enterprise via their sister‘s MySpace page. NED Pathetic. What’s next, mommy phoning OAOAST headquarters to inform them her baby boys have a bad tummy ache and won’t be there to receive the ass kicking of a lifetime? SIMON But nothing intrigues me more than the Bang-A-Broad 6900. Job well done on a swell name, old chum. I can’t keep my eyes off that fancy little number. NED I just don’t stimulate women, I stimulate the economy too! Who else on the roster or known to man for that matter can say the same? SIMON Hmm…can’t really think of anybody. NED Nobody that’s why. But the Bang-A-Broad 6900 isn’t the only new feature on the show. SIMON It’s not?! NED What do you mean it’s not? You came up with the idea. SIMON I know. I was only adding a little showmanship. NED Ah, you wily bastard. SIMON NED (clears throat) As I was saying, we have another new feature for you this week. Something we call LOSER OF THE MONTH. And boy did we REEL in a big fish, the biggest of them all in fact. For a variety of reasons, including but not limited to arrogance and impotence… SIMON Uh, you mean incompetence. NED That’s what I said. My Texas accent must‘ve thrown you off. SIMON No, you clearly said impotence. There’s a difference between that and incompetence. NED What, you a teacher or something now? You gonna be correcting me from here on out? SIMON Well, no. I… NED Then shut your yap, son. I ain’t no retard. I mean, Jesus Christ. Anyway, the first ever recipient of Reel Talk’s Loser of the Month for May 2008 goes to the leader of the OAOAST… REEL TALK LOSER OF THE MONTH MAY 2008 ANGLESAULT OAOAST Head Honcho The Blonds raise their glasses and Anglesault. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH Listen, Cole. That sound you hear is Anglesault’s popularity plummeting. COLE Are the Beverly Hills Blonds tempting fate or what? They’ve got a lot of nerve talking smack about the most powerful figure in all of parody e-fed entertainment. SIMON Congratulations, boss. Unfortunately however, like all future winners, you won’t be receiving a plaque because winning this “honor” deserves NONE! “AN-GLE-SAULT!” “AN-GLE-SAULT!” “AN-GLE-SAULT!” NED Cheer the dictator all you want. They all fall at some point and Anglesault won’t be any exception. SIMON Now then, our guest this week is the man who on Sunday, June 29 at the Great Angle Bash will send Baron Windels back home with two black eyes and his tail between his legs. Accompanied by the ultimate combination of beauty and beatdowns, OAOAST Women’s Champion MALAYSIA. He ain’t a prick, he’s just a dick. Crank up the music for “MR. DICK” JOCK MULLIGAN! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" My dick cost a late-night fee Your dick got the HIV My dick plays on the double feature screen Your dick went straight to DVD My dick: bigger than a bridge Your dick look like a little kid's My dick: large like the Chargers, the whole team Your shit look like you're 14 Who wears short shorts? Mr. Dick wears short shorts, lime green ones along with a white tank top, cowboy hat and red shoes. * CR-R-R-ACK * Malaysia makes her presence known by cracking her whip, causing the Blonds to jump back a few feet. NED Mighty impressive gal you got by your side now, my man. She can crush my pelvis with her thighs anytime. Malaysia cracks her whip again, then grabs Ned rough by the hair. Simon unsure what to do. MR. DICK That’s where your wrong, Ned. She’s not a gal…she’s the most dominant female in OAOAST history. She does who she wants when she wants. Case in point: the OAOAST Women’s Championship. Here you had a couple of bimbos fighting over the prize in the Cracker Jack box, Leon Rodez, and not the Women’s title. So Malaysia went in and took what she wanted in DOMINATE fashion! Malaysia lets Ned go. Slightly aroused by her domination Ned cracks a smile. NED Sweetheart, you can crush my pelvis with your thighs anytime. SIMON Um, getting back on track here. Mr. Dick, why don’t you tell the world how bad you’re going to kick Baron Windels’ ass at the Great Angle Bash. MR. DICK I’m gonna kick it REEL bad. NED (laughing) Love the pun, man. Love it as much as your theme music. It’s a song I can relate to. MR. DICK And it’s one Baron Windels can’t. Because a man who attacks another man from behind is no man. I let Baron know face to face I was through carrying his ass and I’m portrayed as a dick in the press, but he blindsides me during an important match live on pay-per-view and it’s the hero returning home to see justice is served. BULLSHIT! Instead of being a man about it Baron got all emo and shit. Something he probably picked up from Melody because the Baron Windels I knew before had some balls in him, albeit hidden somewhere in his pussy. “OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” In the background, a couple of stage hands begin to remove small objects from the set -- a lava lamp, photos of various celebrities hanging on the wall. NED (whispering to stage hands) Hey jackasses, we’re rolling. Shoo. Shoo! Ned looks off-camera and signals for CPA to take care of the problem. MR. DICK Here we stand tonight, a couple of weeks away from a showdown at the Great Angle Bash. Baron Windels is going town to town telling anyone who’ll listen he’s going to beat some sense into me. We’ll see about that, big fella. I know you better than anybody else and vice versa. But I have something you don’t and that’s the most dominating female in OAOAST history, the ultimate combination of beauty and beatdowns, Malaysia. Who do you have? Melody? Please. The fans? Give me a break. And you’ll need a break to find a way to beat me. Now the stage hands begin removing full pieces of the set, starting with the bar, including the bikini clad barmaids who are escorted away by OAOAST security. SIMON What’s going on here? NED Yeah, what is this shit? CPA, what the hell, man? CPA walks onto the set with a letter that he hands over. Simon and Ned’s jaws drop after reading the letter. SIMON CANCELED?! "YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" COACH COLE Oh, my! NED We’re being ribbed, right? SIMON (laughs) Yeah, that’s it. That’s gotta be it. I bet Ashton’s all behind this. Ok, Ashton, you got us. We’re the Beverly Hills Blonds and we just got Punk’d. NED Come out and take a bow you son of a bitch. You had me fooled. Somebody comes out all right, but it’s not GI Jane’s husband. It’s TERRY TAYLOR. MR. DICK Well COCK-A-DOODLE DO. Look who it is. The Red Rooster himself. Beat it Taylor. There’s only room for one cock in this henhouse. TERRY Jock, I suggest you and Malaysia head on backstage. I got some business to take care of here. Thanks for coming on the show. Mr. Dick shrugs his shoulders and exits. SIMON That’s our line! NED It’s our line, but you’re damn right, we got some business to take care of. You guys start tearing down our set before the show is over. What gives? TERRY Sorry guys, you had a great run but it’s over. Reel Talk’s been canceled. Boss’s decision. SIMON Boss’s decision? I can’t believe Anglesault is so petty he’d cancel one of the hottest segments on the show in retaliation. This is why so many before us have been afraid to speak up against his tyranny. Well we’re not gonna take it. No, we ain’t gonna take it. We’re not gonna take it anymore! Right Ned? Ned? TERRY Holy… Get him down from there! We look up in the sky. It’s a bird. No, it’s the penis-copter. No, it’s Ned Blanchard scaling the Bang-A-Broad 6900 to manually round up the total to 20,001, setting off fireworks and balloons from the ceiling as the board surpasses the magic number of 20,000. COACH History’s been made, Cole. Ned Blanchard has done the impossible. He’s broken the seemingly untouchable record of sleeping with more than 20,000 women that Wilt Chamberlain held for so many years. COLE Ned is yanked down by security, who then get into with CPA as he takes exception to their handling of the Handsome Hustler. On the orders of Terry Taylor security escort CPA and the Blonds backstage. COLE Oh, yeah. I think we just found ourselves June 2008’s LOSERS of the Month, the Beverly Hills Blonds for being canceled live on air! COACH Have you no compassion for two men who just lost their jobs? Television hasn’t seen a darker day since the cancellation of The Magic Hour years ago. The shouting match continues as we cut away to… LATER TONIGHT YOUR ON THE LINE WITH DR.PIGLEY LOVELINE THAT IS LATER ALSO LATER THEY GROW UP SO FAST SPEED DATING WITH JADE AND KRISTA LATER Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted June 14, 2008 (edited) Apparently The Bank of America corporate center (far left) is the tallest building between ATL and Philly. Aim small that's what I say. While you plot a Fight Club level bombing to liberate us from our credit induced hell, please enjoy Duffy's Mercy We return with a view on sofa central and the arena engulfed by vibrant and steady purple lights. The purple is dominant taking over the screen and muting most contrasting colours. COLE Well, Biff was scheduled to do battle with Tyler Bryant of D*LUX tonight here in Charlotte, but that wacky Biff decided that match actually presented a threat to his life and refused to do it! Interestingly Biff didn't mention to the office that he created this entire situation with his behavior this past Syndicated. COACH Slow it down, son. Biff didn't have nothing to do with it, that was all The Disco Duck, and thank god someone finally had the courage to stand up to that bully Krista through an assault on D*LUX! COLE That was more then just an assault! That was Vinny Valentine taking a Disco Ball to both of D*LUX after Clem Buzzlefoxer, all of ninety years old, fell asleep in the middle of the match! In the middle of the match! In my opinion, Vinny Valentine would be best served suffering Krista's mocking with quiet dignity. Because he's only going to make things worse! Well, anyway, Anglesault decided to keep Biff in action tonight against Blue Nino of Los Anerexios, and if your familiar with that name, then you know The Love Generation used the disguise of Los Ninos Anerexio to trick The Enterprise and win the six man titles from them last year. I don't want to give anything away, but frankly you're a moron if you don't think one of D*LUX is beneath that costume! And Biff fits the qualifications of moron. COACH Anglesault up to his old shady tricks. You ain't never gonna see him treat Leon Rodez like that. Of course he wouldn't the whole Nino deal is Leon's crazy ass scheme! You think Gary Bettman would let Sidney Crosby dress as Slava Kozlov, and then halfway through the game say surprise its me Sidney! Hell naw! Silence. Total silence. That's what welcomes Biff Atlas' appearance on HeldDOWN. Its not the crowd who's quiet, as they pepper him with taunts and boos. The silence comes from the speakers which feature absolutely no entrance music whatsoever. This due to to the fact hat paranoid Biff fears such raucous music may wreak havoc on his ear drums. This only serves to amplify the fans' hatered, which might normally alarm Biff if it weren't for the fact that he's surrounded by two guards decked out in full riot gear. COACH HAHAHA! I happen to know for a fact, that's a security force provided with the generosity of Mister Moneymaker to help protect Biff against any kind of D*LUX trickery, and Anglesault's crap ass management. Moneymaker gets down with the get down! This is a dude who's lookin out for the big guy and the little guy. COLE The most he could afford is two people? COACH He could afford the entire CIA. But these guys are ex-KGB agents, I bet. They'd kill D*LUX with a stare. Kill em dead! BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of ten minutes, now making his way to the ring from Venice, California, he weighes two hundred twenty five pounds, BIFF ATLAS! Biff carefully measures his procession up the ring steps, so as not to trip and fall, before he makes a slow and deliberate entrance into the ring. There he keeps a good distance away from his foe, a luchadore dressed in a drab blue costume. BUFFER And the opponent from Hollywood USA, BLUE NINO! Nothing if not health conscious, Biff presents an Immunization form to his odd rival, requesting a doctor's signature before he'll engage in any sort of combat. Obviously this could drag what should be a three minute match into three days, because what doctor works on the weekend. Thusly referee Billy Silverman demands Biff silence his qualms and fight. Though unhappy, Atlas improvises and puts on a surgeon's mask to shield himself from these mythical viruses. Once he's done groaning over Biff's stupidity, Silverman calls for the bell. DING DING DING No immunization on this planet could protect Biff from the leg lariat his foe knocks him down with. After hitting the mat with a rough thud, Atlas gets back up, only to be battered by a wave of over hand chops. The attacks push Biff into the ropes, where he makes a desperate plea for his security force to come save him. Onto the ring apron they leap, menacingly brandishing their batons at Blue Nino. However, their target is non pulsed and casually throws Biff to the opposite end of the ring. He lowers his masked head, which leaves him open to any number of attacks. Biff, however, is too busy fretting over the lack of give in the ring ropes, and carries his testicles right into Blue Nino's skull! “OOOOOOOH!” the fans recoil as Biff hollers in searing agony. COLE Drop a dime to OSHAA on that one, ya dupe! Blue Nino grabs onto Biff's arm and twists him around like a hurricane before finally arm dragging him over! Atlas bounces off the giveless canvas, dizzed and on the verge of vomiting. Fortunately, Biff remembered to bring a vomit bag with him and pulls it out of his pants pocket. However, its difficult to set up a barf bag, when a supposedly anorexic two hundred pounder is slamming a dropkick into your chest. Left even more nauseous then before Biff is shoved into the corner posts, where he makes a mental note to petition for wider pads so as to better disperse the impact against the back. As usual Biff's foibles cost him dearly, Nino strides across the ring and slams a knee into his jaw! Before he sags to the ground and croaks in misery, Biff makes a weak signal for his security force to aid him. Drawing boos from the audience, they make moves to aid him but Nino warns them off with patented jobber fist shaking! That'll tell them! That and the twenty five dollar check you got for this match! COACH These guys better not let anything happen to Biff! He's under the Moneymaker protection program! COLE Yeah, and it only cost his soul and ability for free thought. COACH Price well worth it. Biff rises off the canvas, ready to finally mount a moment of offense. This moment may not come soon as he's trapped into a front facelock by Nino. However a brief struggle wins Biff his freedom. Freedom he uses to wisely run away. Oblivious to his current surroundings, the cowardly safety nut runs into the ropes and is bounced back to Nino who nearly slices his head off with a flying lariat! Biff is spared decapitation but can't avoid a rather horrible landing on the mat. COLE And there's a D*LUX special, the flying clothesline! COACH Yo, its fitting one of these clowns is gonna dress as a blue nino because they be getting blue balls everytime they forget Krista's a dyke and she shuts down they advances. CLAK CLAK CLAK! Wringing out the arm of the whimpering ex-environmentalist, Nino drags him upright. However, Biff finally displays some competency as he drives his knee into his foe's gut. This gains a tepid round of applause from the security guards, which is met with a comically enthusiastic thumbs up from Biff. Biff then sends that thumb flying straight towards Nino's eye hole, but the suspected D*LUX member rolls through the cheapshot. He pops back to his feet and rushes Atlas, who launches an elbow in his defense. But, Nino dives to Atla's side, catches onto his inner thigh and rolls him up for a pinfall... ONE TWO But, Atlas gets his shoulder off the canvas. Biff scurries back to his feet, and throws Nino across the ring. Biff takes a moment to adjust his pocket protector to industry standards, and then charges full speed ahead only to slam into a brick wall in the form of a leaping side kick. Riddled groggy by such a thunderous assault, Biff staggers to his corner to tag Flex into the match. Only Flex was fired ten months ago! COLE If this is the kind of person Moneymaker has on his side, then... COACH Mister Moneymaker is not an intellectual snob! As Biffy starts to realize he no longer has a tag partner to hold his hand, he continues to staggering across the ring. But he's soon put down by a beautiful springboard crossbody block from the masked superstar! As the fans root this oversized smurf on, he begins smashing his fist into Biff's face. Not exactly one for valiant defiance, Atlas merely covers up and pleads for mercy. COLE Biff got out of his feud with The Love Doctors with his health intact and an actual victory, but I don't think he's going to be so lucky here with D*LUX! Nursing a now bleeding mouth, Biff tries to not only scamper out of the ring, but out of the arena, the city, state, the country, and the entire continent. Unfortunately, he gets about as far as the ropes before Blue Nino roughly hauls him upright. The former bodybuilder pleads for some manner of mercy, but these cries are wasted and he's launched into the ropes. As he rebounds towards Nino he flies forward with a forearm. Yet the fast moving legs of his rival cut his efforts to shreds with an axe kick. In celebration of his ability to lift his legs and move them as well, Nino does a little jig. COACH Which D*LUX boy do you think is beneath that mask? I'm going to guess the one with a vagina. Still under the illusion that he may someday be able to win a match, Biff battles to his feet. Yet no sooner then one second after standing is he locked into a rear waistlock! But he speedily surprises the over confident Nino with a standing switch. Sensing a window of opportunity, he charges he and his victim to the ropes in hopes of securing a rollup. But like so many things in Dos' life , this is an utter failure. Nino simply hooks his arms around the ropes, causing Biff to comically tumble backwards. But the resilient brawler hops to his feet and dashes towards the masked brawler. Nino greets his charge by dipping low and flipping him over the ropes! In what can only be described as an act of numerous gods, Biffy lands on his loafers! This same footwear scampers to the top rope in a daring tossing of caution to the wind! Biff is rewarded for his minuscule risk tasking when he nails Nino right between the eyes with an axe handle smash! However, the blue bomber shrugs aside the blow to stun Biff with a small package! ONE! TWO! But mere nanoseconds away from Biff's inevitable defeat, one of the security guards swipes at Silverman's shoe. The minor infraction is enough to capture Silverman's attention and ruin the fall. COLE The security force earning what has to be a a huge paycheck. What is Moneymaker thinking spending money on Biff Atlas? Biff Atlas! Just run a hundred bucks through a paper shredder! COACH Mister Moneymaker don't neglect the sick and infirm. He helps them, lifts them up. Like love. Mister Moneymaker lifts us up where we belong. As the fans jeer the security guards, LA's least favorite son drags his rival off the canvas by the straps of his plain mask. He slashes a pair of knife edge chops into his chest, weakening the man enough to attempt an irish whip. But, Nino foils these efforts, by using his strength to reverse the hold. Instead of sending Biff on a trip to the cables, he draws him forward and spikes his knee into his midsection. Immediately, Dos is doubled over in agony, and a wealth of “shoots”, “darns”, and “shucks” spill from his mouth. He'd like to force his battered body upright to put himself on equal footing with his rival, but his movement is hindered by the fact that his arms are being pinned between his adversary's. COLE I sense a Recordbreaking move! Right as Nino begins twisting Biff around, does the safety expert begin using his impressive strength to power out the hold. Despite Nino's many efforts to keep him within his grasp, Atlas manages to force his way free of the lethal hold. He makes good use of his freedom by smacking Nino in the face with two hard right crosses. With Nino wobbling on his weakened knees, Biff launches his leg into a roundhouse that connects brutally with Nino's head. His neck snaps back in forth in sickeningly violent fashion, before his lifeless body capsizes to the canvas. Though the audience couldn't care less, the security guards give Biff a hearty round of applause. COACH He calls that Dangerous Goods! Which is a safety term to describe hazardous materials. COLE Thank you Centre for Occupational Health and Safety . Stunned that he was actually able to utilize an offensive attack, never mind such a deadly one, Biff has to pause for the moment and soak in his achievement. Soon enough, wrestler's instinct settles in, and he drops down onto Nino for a pinfall! As Silverman counts, Biff smiles as though he just won a house on the moon. ONE! TWO! THREE!! Biff immediately dismounts Blue Nino, and throws his hands into the air in enormous jubilation. Joyful tears pour flow across his trembling face, making him an easy target of boos from a crowd that already can't stomach the mere sight of him. BUFFER Your winner....BIFF ATLAS! COLE Wow! Biff Atlas, beating what we can only presume is one of D*LUX. That makes two wins over the three time HI-YAH tag team champions. And that is shocking to say the least. COACH Ain't nothing shocking about it, b. Yo, take a look the security guards are helping Biffy celebrate the good times! Indeed theyare, raising Biff's arms into the air, and wildly shaking them to further heighten his feelings of glee. He continues to smile and chuckle in the face of a groaning audience. What should he care how the fans feel? He has his victory, avoided D*LUX's wrath, and friends to celebrate with even if they're being paid to celebrate with him. DOUBLE SUPERKICK FROM THE SECURITY GUARDS COACH Damn! What the hell? Just the image of Biff lying motionless on the canvas is enough to pop the sold out arena. The cheers when the guards slowly begin removing their helmets is even louder and more overjoyed. COLE What is this? ”YEAAAAAA!” Gone is the bulky heagear, and in its places are the smirking faces of the teen screams Tyler Bryant and Shayne Brave! ”D*LUX! D*LUX! D*LUX!” chant the fans who are every bit as shocked as the semi-conscious Biff. COLE D*LUX got Biff after all! Hit me baby one more time! Way to go, boys! COACH That ain't hood! That ain't hood! On second thought getting beat down by the cops is hood. The beloved duo trades high fives above Biff's fallen corpse, as the crowd continues to sing their name. They then scale the turnbuckles, pumping their fists, beating their chests, and bringing the fans to even higher levels of excited happiness. COLE All of Theodore Moneymaker's cash, down the drain! And Biff Atlas down the mat where he belongs! COACH How much you wanna bet Anglesault's behind putting D*LUX in the place of Moneymaker's security force! His power hungry and hoish ways is claimin the lives of the innocent as well as quality television shows like Reel Talk. That's why he's the loser of the month. I hope that fool get crotch rot. Naw, I hope that fool finally get fired. Tired of this man. Tired, tired, tired! AS you tender lipped hoe i outta drag your bitch ass by your chest hair cross the street infront of your father and have you pick daisies in a hooker skirt infront of him and say "POPS I'm just like you, I'M SOMEBODY"S BITCH" LATER ***OAOAST WORLD TITLE*** CHRISTIAN WRIGHT VS PRL LATER Edited June 14, 2008 by Patty O'Green Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted June 14, 2008 Here we see the queen city at night time, nicknamed as such to pay honor to Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg, who had become queen consort of King George III the year before the city's founding. And current queen of pop Leona Lewis sings us back to HD with Better In Time COLE Earlier this week, I was lucky enough to get backstage access with The Love Doctors... COACH Really? Wow, I'm so pleased for you man, after all these years of admiring looks across the announce desk and all that sexual tension, it finally happened for you! COLE (casting a sideways look to Coach) ...backstage access on the set of The Love Line, Dr. Pigley's local Chicago radio show. COACH Oh. Man, don't sweat it, it'll happen for you one day. COLE *sighs* This is what happened. ~~~~~~~~ With the distant sound of everyday hustle and bustle in the background our OAOAST.com cameras pan down the street and settle on an establishing shot of the outside of the KWCR building in Chicago, Illinois. Inside we then go to find The Love Doctors mingling in the building's green room. Straight from a shift at Windy City Hospital, Dr. Anderson wears his trademark monogrammed lab coat over purple scrubs. Dr. Pigley is a lot more casual though in black slacks and a purple button up shirt. Pigley's conversation with his unknown friend ends with a laugh and a handshake, the guy who is presumably another radio presenter then disappearing while Pigley finally notices the cameras. COLE Guys, good to see you. How's it going? Handshakes greet Michael Cole as he steps into shot. PIGLEY Welcome to Chicago pal. And, welcome to my second job. ANDERSON Uh... wouldn't it be third, Steve? Doctor, wrestler, radio presenter. PIGLEY Actually it goes 'wrestler, radio presenter, doctor'. COLE So, Dr. Pigley, Dr. Anderson, we're here today of course to talk about The Love Line. PIGLEY Every Wednesday evening at 7PM across Chicago radio. There's a plug. Anyway, it's my pleasure to give our great OAOAST fans a special behind the scenes look at the show. This new calling in my life has been a tremendous honour. To use my background as doctor and my experience in relationship matters to help the wider public over those three hours, it feels good. And I'm so proud of this new calling, I really wanted to give The Love Doctors' OAOAST fans a special look at what happens behind the microphone. COLE Well, by my watch it's 35 minutes to airtime, so let's get right to it shall we? This is KWCR 95.6! #radio!# KWCR! Chicago radio We now find ourselves in the recording booth with our trio, Pigley casting a hand over his desk which is littered with papers, stationary, an empty coffee cup and lots of other miscellaneous clutter. PIGLEY This is where the magic happens. COLE So, how about you tell everyone a little more about the show? PIGLEY Well, each and every week I open up the airwaves to the people of Chicago, and thanks to the magic of the digital age even those beyond the Illinois area on occassion, to those in need of relationship advice. We also talk love in general. How to be more successful with the opposite sex, what not to do on that crucial first date, . Don't be mistaken in thinking it's gratuitious. It's not all about sex. Of course, we do deal with that because sex is an important part of life. But it's about all aspects of relationships. Courting, dating, we even talk about certain medical problems with my doctorate background. And we help a lot of people. Across the Second City *briiiiiiiiing* KWCR is where it's at We discuss all the topics... "Hey, wha'dya'll think about that then?" AAAAWWWWW YEAH~! KWCR radio! Dr. Pigley is in his seat doing last sound checks for the show with airtime rapidly approaching, so Cole and Dr. Anderson have retreated to the sound booth, looking in. COLE So, what do you think about your partner's new venture? ANDERSON I'm delighted for him. Some people would probably assume I'd be jealous... and, yeah, since the radio show's come along Steven has been getting a little more attention from the ladies. But I'm delighted to see him doing so well. It's a little new to us, to have one of us gaining success in a solo venture. Me and Steven are great colleagues in the ring and in the ER. But we're also great friends. COLE And the show? ANDERSON Yeah, I think he's doing a good job. The response seems to have been really strong and like Steven said, the show really helps people out. It's a great way to use his training as a doctor to reach people. It's not one of those annoying radio shows that's all boring small-talk and inane sound-bites, you know? #Ninety five point siiiiiiiiiix# Turn it on! "Gimme the Love Line, ooooohhh" Relationship advice that money can't buy *CHA-CHING!* On the radio! "HEY! HEY! HEY LADIIIEEES!" Only on KWCR. 95.6!! With Dr. Pigley OINK OINK #95.6!# PIGLEY (in finest radio voice) Gooood evening you're listening to KWCR 95.6, local Chicago-land area radio and The Love Doctor is in from now until ten o'clock to give you The Love Line. This week we'll be telling you the top ten surefire pick-up lines that'll ensure your weekend is an eventful one. To all the ladies listening, help is at hand. We've got Bruce Willis, you've got Steven Pigley... what do men really want? We'll tell you later on. And we want to hear your calls! If you've got a matter of the heart you need to discuss, get yourself on the line and The Love Doctor will see you. For the loved up and the lovelorn alike, I'll give you the advice you need in the next three hours. Pigley clicks around on his computer screen a little. PIGLEY So without any further ado, let's dive into the phone-lines. Our first caller is a 'Margaret' and she's calling from way out in Charlotte, North Carolina. Margaret, the doctor will see you now. MARGARET (sounding strangely familiar) Uh... hey, yeah... whassup Doc? PIGLEY Okay Margaret you're live on the air, what's your problem? MARGARET Well, see me and my boyfriend yeah, we've been together for a few months now and when we first started dating everything was vegan kosher. He's a super sweet guy and everything he did was so romantic. Moonlight walks. Candlelit dinners. Nights under the stars. He bought me a new lamp when he broke it. We joked he was the 'light of my life', although I'm not real sure where that name came from. But just recently we've been hanging out less and less and it's always real tense, because we've got a lotta mutual friends so we kinda see each other without actually, you know, seeing each other. PIGLEY Is this a work romance? MARGARET Well if you can really call it work, suresies. Anyway, normally I ain't sweating it because guys blow hot and cold sometimes, I figure that's nothing to worry about. But this is different. See, now I got my sister in the picture and they're becoming close friends, or at least that's what they say. The further away we get, the closer they get. Ya know, I don't think it's crazy to read into it that that probably ain't no happy coincidence. I think there's something more going on and I'm not the only one. Anyway, I guess I'm calling to ask your advice about what to do about that. Do I go militant and call they asses out or what? Dr. Pigley takes a curious look over to the sound booth, to see if Dr. Anderson and Michael Cole are thinking what he's thinking. Judging from their look, they are. PIGLEY Okay Margaret, so you and your boyfriend... what did you say his name was? MARGARET It's... uh... it's Deon. Crap, that's not ver... yeah, yeah, Deon. Yeah. Taking a sip of his now filled coffee cup, Pigley smiles a little wry smile. PIGLEY Well I think the best thing for you to do, Margaret, is tread carefully. Unless you have actual proof that something is going on and from what you're saying I'm assuming you don't, you could well be reading too much into things and cause problems where there are none. MARGARET So, if I already maybe confronted my sister about it and got into a huge fight about it, that'd be not neccessarily cool is what you're saying? PIGLEY Margaret, I don't think your sister is neccessarily the issue. Perhaps you're looking at your sister as a source of blame for existing relationship problems or doubts you may have. MARGARET But see here's the skinny, me and... uh, Deon... we don't HAVE any other relationship problems. The only problem is, he seems to care more about my sister than me sometimes. Oftentimes. Toomanytimes. Ya know, it's not like I've got a problem with them being friends or anything like that. I'm not a psycho protective kinda girl, unless somebody steps up and tests me, then you better believe it's on. PIGLEY Yet you sound very insecure, if you don't mind me saying so. Is there anything else about your boyfriend that makes you think he may stray that you haven't mentioned? MARGARET Nope. PIGLEY No past occupations, maybe? MARGARET Nothing unusual. PIGLEY Okay. Interesting. *sips coffee* Well Margaret, it's only natural to feel threatened by a close relationship formed by a loved one. Especially with someone so close as your own sister. I don't want you to feel 'crazy' for worrying. But, you need to understand that Deon having friends is not a threat to your relationship. Be they male or female. You can't see your relationship as an 'exclusive right' to his heart. The best thing for you to do is to sit down and talk with him. Clear the air and talk about your concerns that you're not seeing enough of each other, without sighting your sister as a reason. If he's really spending more time with her than you're comfortable with, try and think what it is that your boyfriend may be getting from his friendship with your sister that he's not getting from you. It may be something you can work on, more likely it will be something you're completely comfortable with. Trust your sister and trust your boyfriend. If you can't find it in yourself to do that, then clearly there's a deeper problem. MARGARET That simple? PIGLEY My guess is, he confides in her because he feels he can't talk openly to you. Maybe he has a problem communicating with those closest to him. Or, maybe he senses your anxities and is being pushed away by them. Try to be more understanding, more patient. And hopefully your worries will prove harmless. MARGARET Okay, I'll give it a try. Can you play 'Sunshine Of Your Love'? PIGLEY Uh, we don't actually play music on the show. MARGARET Gotcha. Well, smell ya later then. PIGLEY Okay folks, that was Margaret from Charlotte, teaching us all a valuable lesson in trust. We'll be right back with more of your calls after these words from our sponsors. ~~~~~~~~ Back to the arena. COLE Fair to say we got more than we bargained for with that piece. Very revealing. COACH Dude, all he did was show you his desk and his collection of half-chewed pens. COLE I meant the caller. COACH Oh yeah. You know Mikey, I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I've gotten to know so many women in my time, but that voice sounded kinda familiar. Strange. Like, maybe it was a voice that I should recognise or something? COLE Go figure. Well, while your brain catches the rest of the world's population up, we'll go to... COACH Woah woah woah! Wait a sec. You don't think that 'Margaret' could have been, like, a codename for Maggie do you!? As in Maggie Nerdly! COLE *slaps forehead* Well done. COMING UP NEXT RESCUE 911 VS THE HEAVENLY ROCKERS NEXT LATER TONIGHT SPEED DATING WITH JADE AND KRISTA WORLD TITLE: PRL VS CHRISTIAN WRIGHT LATER! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted June 14, 2008 (edited) and a view of uptown brings us back to the OAOAST's flagship show. And you know what, I think some kind of rush should replace Ultimate Victory as the themesong. I shall make it so next week. What would a wrestling show be without a BACKSTAGE SEGMENT~! Well, it'd probably be more of a wrestling show, that's for sure...however that's besides the point, as our fearless camera crew are backstage to catch famed-yet-hated duo JAMES BLONDE and FAQU making their way through the inner workings of the arena, stopped dead in their tracks when Zack Malibu rounds a corner. Malibu exchanges glares with his one-time allies, who have now called out Malibu on past deeds, feeling that he's somehow affected their standing in the OAOAST. BLONDE Well, look who it is. Faqu snarls in the background, while Blonde looks over his shoulder, silently telling the big man to relax. MALIBU Funny how that works, me running into you guys tonight after what went down last week. BLONDE Yeah, funny's not really how I'd describe it, Zack. MALIBU Me either. More like unfortunate. Faqu pushes forward, but Blonde stops him, more interested in verbally sparring with The Franchise. BLONDE You think you're untouchable, don't you, Zack? You think that every day you're going to wake up and the sky's gonna be clear and blue. I've got news for you, Zack...your sky is filled with nothing but clouds, and that sun isn't gonna shine on you much longer. MALIBU That's pretty profound, James. I'm guessing you've been trying to improve on your language skills since you're doing the talking for two people now. How does that happen, anyways? Did you make him watch some of your matches from 2002 until his brain was fried? BLONDE You know, we don't have to be talking right now, while we could be... MALIBU ...while we could be settling this in the ring, I know. And that's exactly why I'm happy to run into you guys, because I just got word that you're going to get your wish, in a way. You brought up last week the night Faqu and I tore the house down, and how it "made" him. Well, he's going to get the chance that you both claim to need again. Next week, the big rematch is signed, sealed and delivered. Me and you, big man, back in that ring one on one. Faqu smiles sinisterly, grunting through his teeth. BLONDE You're kidding, right? You're happy about this? I mean, I know you're an easygoing guy, Zack, but even you can't be naive enough to think that you're going to make it out of there alive. I mean...wait, I get it. It's some type of swerve deal, right? Another Zack Malibu masterminded scheme, right? Uh uh, not this time. MALIBU You know, your paranoia is flattering, if a little unnecessary. BLONDE No, Zack, what's unnecessary is your treatment of people, people that once considered you a friend, people that were striving to be just as good as you but you couldn't even think of possibly helping someone get at your level. Now it's come full circle, now we ARE amongst the best in the world, and if you're looking forward to next week, then your the first man I've ever met who was looking forward to his funeral. Blonde and Faqu walk past, with Faqu stopping and staring down Malibu. Zack doesn't move, his eyes locked on Faqu with no signs of fear, until the Samoan savage turns and walks away. Zack watches them exit, and a smirk stretches across his face as the scene fades out. (Patty sez I think that was only the non wrestling segment that takes place in the arena!) As we return to the arena powerful shades of blue and red illumination flicker across the arena to the sound of "Hospital Beds" by Cold War Kids, as Rescue 911 respond to the emergency shortage of nice guys with well-oiled muscles! "Tell me the story of how you ended up here I've heard it all in the hospital" BUFFER The following tag team match is set for one fall, with a 20 minute time-limit. Introducing first, coming to us from the OAOAST First Responders Unit! Total combined weight, four hundred and eighty five pounds... DETECTIVE TANGO BOSLEY and EMT TIM CASH... together, they are RRREEEEESSSSSCCUUUUUEEEE 9 1 1!!!!!!! Clad in his Hawaiian print shirt, Detective Bosley jaws something to the camera with his chewing gum escaping his mouth somewhere in the middle of the talking. The cameraman appreciates him missing his shoes. But doesn't appreciate so much the friendly punch in the shoulder, which leaves him with a dead arm and the camera shot oddly tilted. EMT Tim has been in the ring for a while and calmly walms up as his partner joins him. COLE Our friends from the First Responders Unit in tag team action here. COACH Which is ironic, because when I see these guys in tag team action, my first response is to change the channel. "HEY WAIT I GOT A NEW COMPLAINT!" Cheers turn to jeers as usual when "Heart-Shaped Box" begins to play. A fired-up Logan leads the way, arm in arm with wife Holly-Wood as he sounds it out with the crowd. The aura is much more civilsed behind him though. Recent Muslim convert Synth Abdul-Jabbar walks solemnly beside Abdullah Abir Nerdly, who waves a COLLECTION PLATE under the noses of the unresponsive North Carolinans. BUFFER And the opponents! COLONEL ABULLAH NERDLY presents in association with HOLLY-WOOD the GREATEST rock 'n' wrestling band of AAAAALLLL-time! The former three-time OAOAST World Tag Team Champion... THE HEAVENLYYYYYYY RRRRRROOOOOOOOOCCKKEEEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSSS!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Abdullah persists with his largely empty collection plate, not noticing the large build-up of spit sloshing around inside it as he talks with Synth. COLE Hmm. Aren't collection plates usually made of wood and not metal? COACH Not the good ones. Logan slides in and twirls the deadly finger. Abdullah and Synth's pre-match prayer ritual is interrupted however as numerous OAOAST officials head out from the back. Referee Charles Robinson nods to them after talking with head official Mike Chiods and Abdullah is motioned towards the back!! "YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COACH WHAT?! He hasn't even done anything yet! COLE Yet? COACH He's a man of peace! This is a hate-crime! HATE CRIIIIIIME!! COLE The man's out here with a metal collection plate in his hand, what do you expect to happen with that during a wrestling match exactly? Despite the heated protests of Holly-Wood and Logan and the attempts of spiritual reasoning by Synth, Abdullah is taken against his will to the back. The North Carolina fans wave him on his way, not all of them with all the fingers on their hand! COACH I tell you what, I'll bet you all the money in Abdullah's collection plate that AngleSault is behind this! COLE Coach, there's like $4 and a couple of spare buttons in there. COACH Still. *DINGDINGDING!* Abdullah and 'entourage' disappear behind the curtain while The Heavenly Rockers get their heads together. It's not like they're completely without guidance though with Holly-Wood still in their corner. "9 - 1 - 1!" "9 - 1 - 1!" "9 - 1 - 1!" "9 - 1 - 1!" Logan starts it out for the three-time champions, up against EMT Tim. With Bosley's bellowing voice spurring him on Tim locks up with Logan and jockeys for position. The two tussle back into a neutral corner where Logan ends up on top, holding up his hands innocently as he gives a clean break... or, so it seems, until he lands a short jab to the trusting EMT. Another short jab lands to the midsection. And another. Before one cracks Cash in the jaw! Offended by this abuse in the corner, Detective Bosley jumps in to take the law into his own hands. Referee Robinson cuts him off though. COLE That's not too smart on Bosley's part. Quick as a flash, Synth appears in the ring and The Heavenly Rockers shoot EMT Tim into the ropes. They duck their head for a Double Backdrop... but Tim rolls up and over the top of them! Synth and Logan regroup and link arms for a Double Clothesline. Underneath goes Cash though, before hitting the ropes himself and hooking THR down with a double Hart Attack Clothesline!! "YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" COLE EMT Tim Running The Lights on both Heavenly Rockers! COACH See, that wouldn't have happened if Abdullah were still out here! Quick tag to Bosley as Synth rolls to the floor. As Logan staggers to his feet, Detective Bosley torpedoes towards him as EMT Tim brings his partner in over the top with a Slingshot Shoulderblock! Cover... 1... 2... No! Logan gets whipped across by Bosley. The Detective puts his head down early though and Logan delivers a kick to the shoulder blade, then goes for a clothesline. Duck underneath by Bosley, Logan continuing on into the ropes only to get caught with a Powerslam! 1... 2... No! Having just gotten to the apron, Synth is sent back down to the arena floor by Bosley to the crowd's delight. COACH Now that was uncalled for. I hope Abdullah's found a monitor someone, so he can start drawing up an unneccessary brutality settlement. Rescue 911 make another quick tag and combine with a double whip on Logan. The MACHO Macho Mann gets hiptossed by Bosley, sitting up to be dropkicked in the face by EMT Tim! After firing his partner up Bosley leaves to allow the count... 1... 2... No! EMT Tim picks Logan back up again and wrings the arm ready for another tag... but Logan RAKES THE EYES! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tag is made, Synth running in with a clothesline to drop the temporarily blinded EMT. Synth then motions to make a move towards Bosley in the corner, but when the Detective throws up his fists ready for him the new peaceful philosophies kick in and he opts not for violence. COACH You have to admire Synth, a spiritual man such as himself isn't going to stoop to the level of a thug like Bosley. COLE Not when Bosley's looking, no. Synth applies a rear chinlock on EMT Tim, allowing him to say some prayers to above whilst doing damage to his opponent. The crowd start to rally behind Cash and try to drown out Synth's prayers. And it seems to work on both counts as EMT Tim's fist starts a-pumping. Tim fights to his feet, turning towards the praying Synth to deliver an elbow to the ribs. Synth strikes back with a knee though, then executes a swinging neckbreaker and covers... 1... 2... No! Leading EMT Tim to the corner, Synth holds him in place while Logan heads up top. A tag is made once there, not strictly legal but close enough for the referee as Logan delivers a double axehandle from up top. COLE The three-time Tag Team Champions starting to assert themselves now. Leg hooked from Logan Mann... 1... 2... Kickout! Bosley starts to pound away on the turnbuckles to get the fans back on EMT Tim's cause. Pinned in the corner, Tim is subjected to a flurry of Logan's patented short jabs all over the body. Logan then turns on his heels and shows none of his partner's inner peace as he runs Bosley off the apron! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" COLE ... COACH *sighs* Go ahead. COLE What a heinous move from Logan Mann, honest competitors like Rescue 911 would never dream of doing something like that! The distraction caused by Bosley trying to get back in allows Logan and Synth to double-team EMT Tim in the corner. They club and kick away at him until Bosley is put back to the apron, at which point Logan executes a simple vertical suplex and covers him up... 1... 2... No! Logan tags out to Synth, who heads up top and comes down with a single axehandle across the back of EMT Tim's head on the way up. The adopted Abdul-Jabbar then gives his thanks to the Gods above for guiding him safely back to earth. "PAU - LA AB - DUL!" *clap clap clapclapclap* "PAU - LA AB - DUL!" *clap clap clapclapclap* COLE The inner peace becomes outer rage, as Synth motions wildly for the fans to "cut it out, ya'll". When they don't, he's forced to retreat to his corner with his hands over his ears with Logan taking over. COACH Is that supposed to be funny!? COLE Hey, it did it for me. Logan scoops and slams EMT Tim, coming off the ropes with a well-placed kneedrop. 1... 2... Kickout. Getting impatient, Bosley paces the apron while his partner is sent off into a neutral corner. Twirling the finger again, Logan then follows in to deliver a high knee... AND MISSES! "YYYEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" With his patella bouncing off the top turnbuckle, away hobbles Logan. He still blocks the way to the Rescue 911 corner though, forcing EMT Tim to improvise and crawl through the legs to make the tag to the eager Detective! COLE All units all units, Detective Bosley is on the scene! Leaping in over the top, Bosley runs through both Logan and Synth with clotheslines before catching the lead vocalist of the greatest rock n' wrestling band of all time with a BAAAAACK bodydrop that airs out his vocal chords! Fist-pump from Bosley, then a fist to the face of the oncoming Synth! COACH That's a man of peace! You don't punch a man of peace in the face like that! COLE Looks to me like he just did, mmm-hmmm *snaps fingers* Bosley traps the reeling Logan in the corner and scales the turnbuckles... "ONE!" "TWO!" "THREE!" "FOUR!" "FIVE!" "SIX!" "SEVEN!" "EIGHT!" "NINE!" "TEN!" ...and a DIVING BACK ELBOW off the middle to Synth!! COLE Bosley is so deceptively athletic! COACH Must be all that police training he never puts into action as a Detective sat behind a desk and a family sized box of donuts all day. As Synth rolls to the floor, Logan staggers out of the corner into a GORILLA PRESS from Bosley! Logan escapes before plummeting to the mat though, landing behind the Detective and running him into the ropes with an O'Connor roll... 1... 2... HANDFUL OF TIGHTS changes the momentum puts Logan on top... 1... 2... NO! Stopping himself on the ropes Logan waits for Bosley to turn around before firing off the patented LEFT HOO... NO! Bosley ducks the left hook and takes him up for an Atomic Drop. Holly felt that one as badly as her husband, watching with a cringe as Bosley takes Logan up on his shoulders. COLE Oh look out, they're looking to Protect and Serve Logan Mann! What an upset this would be if they hit it! COACH You can say that again. Bosley holds Logan up despite the punches being rained down on him. Behind him, EMT Tim scales the turnbuckles ready to come off with the 'rana... ...but Synth draws the referee's attention from the apron, allowing HOLLY-WOOD TO SHOVE EMT TIM OFF THE TOP!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Damnit! COACH It's Holly-Wood to the rescue! Crashing into the back of his partner, EMT Tim causes a three-man pile-up in the ring. Coming out of it best is Detective Bosley, but he's clearly not aware of what happened as he looks down at his partner Cash interrogating him about what happened. Taking advantage of the situation, Logan lies in wait... *WHAM!* ...AND CONNECTS WITH THE WICKED LEFT HOOK~!!! COLE Got him with it. Logan cradles up Bosley, while Synth drags the EMT to the floor... 1... 2... 3!!! *DINGDINGDING!* BUFFER Your winners of this contest... THE HEAVENLY RRROOOOOOOCCKKEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSSS!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Reunited with his loving wife Logan clearly appreciates the assist, embracing Holly-Wood with a cheeky wink. The Heavenly Rockers quickly make their escape while a still groggy Bosley sits up trying to figure out what just went down. COACH Looks like we should start calling them Miscue 911. Like that one, mister laughter? COLE What I don't like is the cheap victory The Heavenly Rockers just sneaked out. It looked like Bosley and Cash were on the verge of a major upset, until Holly-Wood sprung into action and knocked Cash off the top, right into his partner. And Logan profits from his wife's interference. COACH And now, the celebrations can begin. They're heading to find Abdullah I'm sure. There in spirit if not in person. Logan and Synth make their way to the back, while Bosley marches around the ring angry at what just went down. COACH Let this be a lesson to Anglesault! You can't fight destiny! Try all ya want to stack the deck in your favor, dawg, but fate gonna get you in the end! Trust to that, homie! Trust! COMMERCIAL COMING UP NEXT SPEED DATING! NEXT Edited June 14, 2008 by Patty O'Green Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted June 14, 2008 (edited) COLE Just this past Tuesday, Krista took Jade out for a bisexual speed dating event in LA. Resident intern, Molly Nerdly got it all on camera! Take a look! Our scene is of Sunset Strip in the night time, the legendary strip of land teems and throngs upscale traffic both pedestrian and vehicular. But even with the gorgeous scenery and the even more gorgeous passerbys, one thing stands out, the mercdes driven by Krista Isaodra Duncan. In the back seat sits Molly with the siclopse. In the front Jade is in the passenger's seat, wearing a ruffled pink dress and matching pink headband with a black bow on top. Krista sits cool behind the weel, outfitted in flared jeans and a white polo shirt. JADE God, I'm so nervous. I've never been speed dating before! KRISTA (pulling closer towards the establishment) You've been on a date before, correct? JADE Uh...sure. KRISTA And you've done speed before, right? JADE Uh.... KRISTA Put the two together and what do you get? MOLLY Unwanted pregnancy and a night you can't remember the exact details of? KRISTA Yes! But, honey, thankfully, this is nothing like that. You will be just fine. Just fine. And by the time you realize the person you're with is a shallow husk of a human being hiding behind thousands of dollars worth of beauty products, bought from your's truly, it'll be time to move on to someone who's a lot more interesting and most importantly a lot hotter! JADE Speaking of hot, I hope there are some cute guys here. There are cute guys all over the city, so watch me walk into the one place that looks like the West Coast version of Flint. KRISTA Men! Hmph! Oh honey, so many of history's most awful people were men. Who killed millions of our kind in concentration camps? A man! Who ferried over thousands of blacks and enslaved them for decades? A man! Who killed Jesus, a fellow Jew? Many men! Who's responsible for that Speed Racer movie? Two men! Who provided the sperm that helped give life to Perez Hilton? A man! And you know what? I bet all those men are premature ejaculators. So if you want to hook up with megalomaniacal cretins, who can't even keep you satisfied past the one minute bedroom average of most men, you might as well hook up with Christian Wright. Jade laughs. KRISTA Honey, have fun. Have lots of fun. JADE I will, mom. KRISTA And any guy you attempt to bring home I'll turn the rifle on them, so its win-win because I've been meaning to practice my duck hunting. JADE Are you going to be okay sitting in there? With Alix coming home soon, should you really be at this sort of event? KRISTA Jade, I have two masters degrees. It has nothing to do with anything, I just like to make anyone within ear shot feel inferior. But, I can exercise some self control. Give your wonderful mother a little credit, please. Just because there's a bevy of gorgeous, well off, hopefully sexually adventurous lesbians doesn't mean I'm going to be like Christian Wright's mother in a crack store. JADE If that's the case then why aren't you wearing a bra? KRISTA Oh, honey, its a mere coincidence that all my bras wound up in a dumpster in Long Beach the exact same day I'm to be surrounded by many hot, desperate, single women. JADE And I suppose the first four buttons on that shirt are buried somewhere with Lucius Soul's career. KRISTA Why, honey, yes they are! Very tragic, and good job insulting our enemies, knowing they'll never get the TV time to respond. Krista, Jade and Molly step out the Mercedes, awaiting the valet to come drive it away. At that point several paparazzi begin snapping Krista's picture, drawing a polite but disproving smile from the fitness queen. VOICE (OFF SCREEN) Word to big bird, its time to go down! Krista and Jade look around to see where such an unusual and nerdy proclamation could possibly come from in such a chic upscale area. Molly is quicker than their eyes, and captures none other than Vinny Valentine, clad in brownish snakeskin pants and matching trenchcoat and sunglasses, bounding down the streets. JADE Mom! VINNY (drawing closer) What it was, what it is, what it will be gonna change for me, Krista, beating you gonna set the OAOAST free! While Jade, Molly, the paparazzi outside, and the gathered loiters before the event might be wholly stunned at this crazed throwback to the disco era, Krista is entirely relaxed. Even as Valentine approaches with arms outstretched to clothesline her into Orange County, she can't bring herself to register a single concern. She simply grabs onto Vinny's pompadour, and uses it as a guide to direct his head into the passenger door the car! The spectators recoil in shock, and are given something even more astounding, when Krista casually throws his head through the rear passenger side window! As if that weren't enough violence for one century, Krista uses his head to rip her passenger side front window to shreds. That satisfies Krista's lusting for violence, and just as casually as she mangled him so does she discard him to the pavement. KRISTA (handing the keys to the valet) And there better not be a single scratch when I get it back! KRISTA (to Jade) Honey, who was that strange man? JADE Mom, that was Vinny Valentine. KRISTA Doesn't ring a bell. Leaving her car in the hands of the valet, and Vinny in the hands of absolutely no one, the three walk into an art deco themed restaurant which always boasts a prestigious clientèle. The attendees for the speed dating event, all standing around the room, making nervous small talk are every bit as beautiful as the décor, which features bright colors on the wall, dynamic sculptures embedded into the floor and protruding from the wallpaper, as well as numerous candles to to enhance everyone's beauty as well as mute such a vibrant design style. Both Molly and Jade, gaze around the room at the wealth of beauty on display. Krista, however, plays it cool, knowing she is the fairest of them all. A tall thin woman in a flowing white dress, with long curly blond hair that cascades down bellow her shoulders, and sweeps back to accentuate her flat jawline and fine cheekbones stands in the center of the room. WOMAN Welcome one and all to Bisexual speed dating! All the fun of regular dating with none of the awkwardness, because you're out of there in four minutes! If you've been with us before, welcome back, if you haven't welcome still. The rules, if you even want to call them that, are simple, just have a wonderful and special four minute conversation with some of the hottest bisexuals in southern California, and go home with lots of phone numbers and quite a few stories to tell! Other than that enjoy. Oh, and I would be remiss if I did not remind you all to buy plenty of drinks from the bar. Now, go and find true love! Everyone claps, including Jade who claps most enthusiastically of all as she eyes down some potential hookups. KRISTA Just remember, Jade, for every cute girl who's phone number you don't get, an angel gets a herpes scab. CUT TO Jade reclines in her chair staring past the flickering candle, at a handsome man is his early thirties. He has a rounded face that's framed by slick dark stringy hair that comes down to his high cheekbones. Somewhat nervous, his hands alternate between fidgeting with his black slacks or adjusting the collar on his 60's inspired floral print long sleeve shirt. MAN My name is Trevor Hall. JADE Hi Hall, where's Oates? Hahahahaha. I bet you get that all the time! TREVOR Never. You might recognize me though from many supermarket taboloids. I was briefly married to one of the girls from the little known pop band, All Saints. People say to me, its not fair she made all those hits over in England, while you're in America folding clothes at the Gap in the Beverly Center, waiting for someone to buy your screen play about the boy trapped within a futuristic jail inside his mind. All Saints are rubbish they say, and I say don't you dare insult them. Don't insult her. We each have our own talents. They didn't couldn't dress fat tourists from Minnesota to their size, and I couldn't sing...actually I think I could as a matter of fact sing in a moderately successful girl band. And I think that pushed them. It really did, because they know I can gun for their spot at any moment. JADE I think so to! My friend Maggie is a former OAOAST's women's champion, and leading interview personality, and even though I have about two months of wrestling training, and no background in communications, she knows I can do both jobs much better than she can, and I really think that pushes her. TREVOR You and I...what people see as laziness and underachivement, I see as a new age motivational technique. Before Jade has a moment to respond, Krista interjects herself in the proceedings. KRISTA Sorry to bother you, kind sir, but can I borrow my daughter. You look very lovely by the way. If you were ten years younger, and I was ten years older, and a man, and trolling for some innocent boy to sexually exploit in exchange for lavish gifts, would you be my first choice? No, but you'd certainly be in the top thirty. Krista drags Jade away from the table, pulling her closer to the bar. JADE Mom, he wasn't that bad. He did stink the stench of Real World callback reject, but I'm used to dating Pep Boys Assistant manager callback rejects, so I'm not picky. KRISTA Jade, as an interested observer who looks ravishing in white, he was c-r-appy! I can't believe I had to compliment him also. Sometimes I wish I was a repuiblican then I wouldn't have to worry about anyone's feelings, all I'd have to worry about is not getting indicted. You can do better! What about her? Jade looks towards a short woman with playful shaggy red hair that makes her look like Mary Jane from spider woman. JADE Um...she's cute, but can I try him? Jade points to a man hammering away text messages on his cellphone, while his “date” looks on incredibly bored. KRISTA Where did I go wrong? We cut to Jade sitting with the target of her interest, who keeps his blond hair short and finely gelled. His white teeth beam an errie brightness in contrast to the overwhelming darkness of the room, his all black outfit making him look somewhat like a headless figure. And the way he leans over the table is unsettlingly in its creepiness. MAN Please, tell me your name is as gorgeous as your face. Please. JADE Its Jade. MAN Jade. That's my mother's middle name. Patrica Jade Hampton. If you're anything like her you make a fantastic macaroni salad. JADE I can't really cook. MAN Just fine, just fine, you look a lot better than her. I'll you that. God don't strike me dead for saying that. Jade, lemme ask you a question, are you happy with your mortgage payments? Of course not, who the hell is? Food costs so much I'd gnaw off my own foot before I ever set it inside a Food-Lion, gas is through the sunroof and you can't sit down on the bus without sitting up HIV positive. But I am positive! Not with HIV, but positive that I can get your mortgage down to just a few easy payments every other month. You say, Tommy, you're crazy, I say my name isn't Tommy and I am crazy. Crazy with excitement over getting you a leg up over this insane topsy-turvy economy! All I need is your name, address, date of birth, bank account number and your social security number. JADE Wait....are you gonna steal my identity? MAN (to himself) Don't say yes, don't say yes, don't say yes, don't say yes, (to Jade) YES, YES I AM...DAMN IT! We cut away from Jade to see the door to the women's bathroom. Why are we looking at such an uninteresting sight? I'll tell you why! Because Krista steps out of the bathroom, trailed by a woman with short dark blond hair, which highlighted the lightest blue eyes ever seen. She's dressed in designer jeans, and a pink polo she's currently buttoning up. KRISTA Phoebe, you sailed right through! PHOEBE Wow! Its great that you set up breast cancer screening right in the women's bathroom. Thank you, doctor. I never knew a breast exam could be conducted with your tongue, and I went to nursing school for three years! Phoebe walks off totally oblivious to the scam just pulled on her. MOLLY Krista, are pretending to be a doctor so you can feel up innocent women in the bathroom? KRISTA (scoffing) Honey, you say it like its perverse and weird or something. MOLLY It is terribly insane! And I say that as a friend, not one of the demon voices that guides you. Jade walks onto screen, disheartened over the fact that so far the only people she's talked to want to sell her bill consolidation programs or hear about breast feeding. JADE Mom, this sucks. I wanna go home. KRISTA Honey, no, no, we can't go back home. You have got to find a cute somebody! Why don't you try that lovely hippy looking girl over there? KRISTA I'd hit on her myself, but I can't do it myself because I'm faithfully devoted to Alix, but I don't think the couple's therapist would frown on using my daughter to vicariously live my deepest lusting for some Janis Joplin/Michelle Phillips bedroom fantasies . KRISTA (cont) What are you still standing here for? JADE I'm waiting for the just kidding part and when you tell me the real reason you want me to talk to that girl. KRISTA Honey, that is the real reason. And don't come back until you have something that could resemble an episode of red shoe diaries! We cut to Jade at the table with the attractive hippy girl, wearing a name tag that reads Isabelle. Her shagged blond hair scrapes the edge of her shoulders and falls in front of a cute heart shaped face. A few rebellious strands slide across her brown eyes. Her thin lips move a mile a minute as she captures Jade's attentions with various tales of her escapades through this craaaaaazy game of life. ISABELLE I just got back from..god, where was I? New York, that's right. I was meeting with Mayor Blomberg, great guy by the way, and I was presenting on how best to implant Clearwater Sails in Manhattan to keep the water fresh and clean, and right there in the middle of the thing he offered me a spot on the Environmental Law Committee for the House of the Association of the Bar of New York. And that's a great paying job, but there are so many other causes that need me! Like, a while ago I was in San Fransisco, because they wanted to take down trees in the redwood forest for a bigger gift shop. So I just chained myself to one of the trees for three weeks. It was hard at first but then they open a Starbucks next door (she laughs). And next week I'll be in Zambia, distributing medicine to villages where normally medicine doesn't go because the infrastructure and the currency is in shambles. To me its important to be part of shaping the world. To paraphrase a quote from Jesse Jackson. “There's nothing worse than burying an irrelevant person”. I don't want to be irrelevant. But, listen to me rambling, I bet you make a difference all the time. JADE Oh, yeah, my friend Maggie, she's dating my uncle. And when she thought he might be cheating on her with her sister, I made the situation worse by suggesting something is up and never confronting my uncle about it. Um.....you never said it had to be a good difference. Awkward silence! ISABELLE Your mom has been incredibly active in environmental concerns for the longest. I remember when she gave a speech on reducing carbon emissions over the next fiscal year at the last NRDC meeting. I am an atheist, and hearing her angelic voice was like being in the heaven I don't believe in. KRISTA (O.S.) Speaking of, you are heaven in those earrings! Krista emerges onto screen and instantly Isabelle forgets all about Jade, now captivated by her stunning and famous mother. ISABELLE Oh, please, they're nothing compared to what you have on. KRISTA Perceptive, intelligent, and a pair of eyes like two inviting pools of chocolate pudding. Jade, you found yourself a winner! ISABELLE Um...Miss Duncan? I'm a huge fan. Would you sign my foreheadl? Oh, God. That sounded so dumb and desperate. (Scoffs) I-- I'm an admirer of your work. Would you sign my forehead? Jade can only shake her head and sigh as Krista actually agrees to the woman's unsual request. We cut to Jade, somehow not put off by conversing with a possible murder and an identity thief already, sitting with a woman's who's model material features- shoulder length black hair, striking green eyes, defined facial features, are perfectly heightened by the dream like atmosphere of the setting. Helpfully, Jade now wears a name tag to avoid wasting time with introductions. GIRL I am Esther, and you are Jade Rodez. JADE Phew, I kept getting worried my name tag was upside down! ESTHER It is. I'm a director at NBC, and sometimes they'll have the OAOAST on one of the TVs in the control room. So, I am gonna ask the same thing I could probably ask any thousand people I see at work do you like being on television? I like watching it, but I fear being trapped inside that tiny box for fifteen minutes and disappearing into an invisible void when commercials come on. Jade laughs. JADE Um, its not so bad. It feels a bit like a reality show sometimes, because they just document my life. But I get creative sometimes. I jump around, I make puns. I even rhyme words. It's insane....like...rain. ESTHER Look out, MC Jade in the house! I haven't been in front of a TV camera since I was a little girl. And that was because our neighbor shot his wife. It was sort of sad, but since she was dead, and he was on trial, I got to use their pool for two whole summers. That was nice. JADE You're funny! ESTHER The most talented are usually the ones behind the camera. Say, your mother, Krista, is really hot. I bet it was cool to be breast fed by her. Awkward silence part two! JADE Oh...uh...thanks? ESTHER I don't believe in fitness or working out or anything, because I don't think people should be prolonging their life in an overcrowded planet in the first place, and any physical imperfections are best dealt with by surgery or bulimia, but I own all your mother's fitness videos and watching that woman in that sports bra and those bikini bottoms...I've got abs of titanium. I could belly bump Ironman all the way back to Marvel's golden age. She is like so hot. Does she have any cats? She seems like a dog person to me. Dog people are usually more sexually spontaneous. Has she ever multiplied orgasmed from oral sex? Awkward silence part three! JADE I uh...don't know. KRISTA (O.S.) Awwww, aren't you both so cute? How are things going? ESTHER (with wide eyed admiration as Krista approaches) Krista Isadora Duncan! You're...so....wow! I love you! KRISTA I don't know you well enough to love you, I but I do know you well enough to oggle your body from afar, and I can safely say I love your tattoo. ESTHER Yeah, thanks! Its...a press on. I got it at the airport. KRISTA I once got a rub on at the air port also. or did i fondle a stewardess. Either way I made twenty bucks , and a mistress for life! ESTHER You are hilarious! I love you! Why haven't we done anything together? KRISTA Oh, honey, I just don't know! But, they are offering free breast exams in the bathroom, why don't we do that together? And away they go, leaving Jade to shake We cut to Jade in the middle of a engaging conversation with a gentlemen who's name tag reads “Tad”. He appears quite a bit older than Jade with his chiseled strong face lined with several wrinkles. He sports a brown bowl haircut, a navy suit without a tie, and a pink dress shirt. TAD What do you think of some of the guys here? Too many of 'em act like they're god's gift to bisexuals. I say only if god shops at the Newark airport. In fact if you ever just want to disprove the existence of god, visit Newark. Jade cracks up laughing. TAD You have an adorable laugh I'd love to hear it again but I have nothing funny to say. That was my joke for the night. Are you enjoying this speed dating thing? This is probably..I'd say...maybe my ninth one, one more punch on my card and I get a six inch tuna sub for half off. Again, Jade laughs. TAD They say being a movie producer is the easiest way to get a date in Hollywood. I say its the easiest way to get your desk loaded up with crappy scripts that keep you from ever making a real date! But, finally, I'm having fun. You let me vent, you're not from Newark, and you listen to my crappy jokes. Too bad in two minutes I'll have to go to someone who won't let me vent, doesn't laugh at my stupid jokes, and is probably from Newark. JADE Hey, we can go longer! If you can get away from all your work, I'd love to see you outside of a heavily controlled dating environment. We can make fun of medium sized American cities together. I'm from Grand Rapids, so I've got plenty of stories! JADE'S GETTING DEM DIGITS. HOLLA AT A PIMPETTE! But out of the corner of her eye she spots a truly unusual, truly disturbing sight, that of a man with a massive blond afro wig, a bushy fake mustache, pink platform boots, yellow bell bottoms, and a glittering gray vest with red polka dots all around it. If Jade wasn't drug free, she'd swear she was on an acid trip. Like everyone else she recoils in revulsion. But her disgust is made much worse when this creepy individual approaches her table. MAN IN AFRO (talking in Korean accent) Ooh, ooh, ooh, Jade Rodez! Is good I caught you here! Is Sum-Hung-Stud from clinic. You remember me? You forgot your ointment! JADE What? What is this? Do I know you? MAN IN AFRO Is Some-Hung-Stud! Sum-Hung-Stud! Here some pamphlets for you, you get some free samples to. Yes, yes. And you young man, if you see thick yellow discharge during sex with her, is normal, is normal side effect of syphilis and genital warts. Is nothing to worry about. Just make sure you hold match to pubic hair to burn off crabs. She has the mutant variety. JADE WHAT?!!! TAD I just remembered I have...a golf game to get to. JADE At ten o'clock at night? TAD I have golf on mars. I'm an astronaut...a golfing astronaut. JADE You'll call me though? TAD I don't have a phone. I'm a Luddite. A golfing, Luddite, astronaut. I have to go, Jade. Tad runs not only away from Jade and this strange interloper, but the entire proceedings in general. To this Jade turns an enraged eye. JADE What the heck? You better have a good explanation for this, mister! MAN IN AFRO Ah hell, thank god that idiot walked outta here. Ooooh look at me I'm a big time movie producer. Yeah, right, punk, and I'm the last page of Bridget Jones' diary. I've been spitin that line to get play since I was in PRE-K. He thinks he's a movie producer, uh-uh, I think he's a jackass! MOLLY That voice... JADE AND MOLLY Ned! NED Proof positive you don't need Cash or Bosley to get rescued like you called 911. Thank god I was hear to save you from that mind rapist. Prey on an innocent girl with lies and deceit about your movie career. Shameful. By the way, Jade did I tell you I'm starring opposite Nick Cannon and Lil Wayne in the Roots remake? JADE Wha..why...wha....where do I start?! Where do I start? MOLLY I know exactly where to start! Why ever are you dressed in that awfully awful outfit? NED I've got to do incognito! I'm famous around these here parts. JADE No you aren't. NED Yes I am! How can you explain when I was walking down the streets on the way here I had people from all walks of life pointing at me, laughing with delight at seeing me in person, some people entered a religious trance and started mumbling words like “moron, or fool, or idiot.” and others were so amazed they ended up throwing things at me as offerings. Why would that be? MOLLY Because you look absolutely awful! JADE But what are you doing here? You're supposed to be with Maya! NED She kicked me out. I'm saving you, Jade. This place with its finely muscled men, with their trust funds, their neatly gelled hair, their ripped stomachs, their six figure salaries, and the girls with their big breasts, their fancy cars, their model worthy looks, this place is hell. You and me, Jade. We're destined to be together...for the night. There's always been tight sexual tension between us. Just right now my nipples could cut diamonds. Touch them. JADE Leave! NED Touch them. JADE Mom! Krista marches over from the bar and immediately recognizes Ned. She regards him with a mixture of indignation and pity, but not so much pity that's he's going to avoid a beating. KRISTA Oh, Ned, I've only ever been 95% sure you're human, but buddy, you just dumped it back down to 90%. Out ya go. NED Wait! I'm trying to befriend your daughter! You should welcome this! You never got to know the true me, when we were hanging out. I'm somewhat of an artist. Yes. Actually I'm a bit of a chanteuse myself. I actually won a lip syncing contest in high school for stevie wonder's ebony and ivory. It really brought people of all races together. KRISTA So black kids and white kids both beat you up. Out ya go. You look like an albino Diana Ross! Grabbing onto Ned's oversize mustache, which he has foolishly super glued onto his face, Krista drags him past the awed eyes of the attendees and towards the exit. Ned continues to cry and whine, but nothing he says has any effect on Krista. With one mighty toss, she rids Ned's face of the mustache, causes him a lifetime worth of agony, and rids the establishment of his unwelcome presence. The scene cuts to the restaurant all cleared out from speed dating, with the bus boys cleaning up the remnants of the wild event. Already hungover from this shellshocking experience and dismal failure, Jade slumps over on the bar, as her mom slams down her final beer of the night. JADE Mom, I got no phone numbers. Not a one! Even the dude in a wheelchair got a number, and he was just a homeless guy who rolled into escape the sperm eating reptiles he says he saw in the streets. Did I embarrass you? KRISTA How in the world could I ever be embarrassed by you...you have a tampon in your hair. JADE Oh no! KRISTA Jade that's not even logical a trick to fall for. No, of course you didn't embarrass me. I'm proud of you! Forget just stepping outside of your comfort zone, you went to an entirely different planet than your comfort zone! And you did something that didn't come easy. And you let it be videotaped! If anything this was a gigantic success, Jade. JADE Thanks, mom. KRISTA Don't worry, we're gonna find you someone. And, hell, if we don't, we'll set you up with Molly. MOLLY Huh? What now? KRISTA You'll do what I say. We fade out and return to the SC. COLE HA! Ned really is the loser of the month! COACH Put your momma house slippers wit the back part missin and walk yo dirty ass out here son...Ned has been winnin so fuckin much I just stopped countin...now if you keep disrespectin my man son i'll grab you by your throat and judo chop your soul out of your fuckin ear. Reel talk. COMING UP NEXT ***OAOAST WORLD TITLE*** CHRISTIAN WRIGHT VS PRL NEXT Edited June 14, 2008 by Patty O'Green Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted June 14, 2008 sings us around UNC Charlotte, the largest institution of higher learning in the city. With over twenty two thousand students its the fastest growing school in the state system. Escape the fate's lead singer is sooooo hot. We suddenly find ourselves backstage with intrepid reporter Josh Matthews, hurrying down the hallways with a camera close on his trail. MATTHEWS Guys, we've just had word that James Cone is here in the arena and that he's not alone! We're going to go get the scoop right now... Stumbling across the right door, Matthews raps his knuckles across the door excitedly, having not landed a scoop like this for a while now. He impatiently waits for somebody to answer and when they don't, he knocks again. Voices can definately be heard from the other side of the door, which eventually creeps open with James Cone poking his head out. MATTHEWS Ah, James, listen can we get a word about the challenge of Sly Somme... PHOENIX You must be a mind-reader. Give me one minute. MATTHEWS Uh, sure, no proble... *SLAM!* Cone disappears back into the locker room, leaving Josh to brush off the door in the face treatment. *COMMERCIAL BREAK!* Persistence pays though, as evidenced by Josh now being allowed into the locker room by The Phoenix. Josh is lead in by Cone and sat down, with a nervous look on his face that gets even more nervous the moment he finds himself eyeball to eyeball with FAQU! The heavy-breathing Samoan stares at Josh, who glances around trying to avoid eye contact, to the rest of Cucaracha Internacional scattered around the room. PHOENIX So, do you still want to ask that question? Or do you think you can join the dots for yourself? MATTHEWS You've alligned yourselves with... these men? PHOENIX Sure. If I'm going into War Games, I need partners, right? And trust me, I'm going into War Games. I've been in some of the most dangerous environments in this business. Some of the bloodiest matches in the company. I'm not the kind of guy who backs down from fights. Sly Sommers made a huge mistake challenging me to a War Games Match of all things, obviously he didn't see what I did in Stairway To Oblivion at AngleMania. I guess he underestimated me. And I am SICK TO DEATH of him underestimating me! Cone smiles as he sits down next to the clearly uncomfortable Josh. PHOENIX He assumed that I'd have trouble finding anybody to team with me, after my 'actions' in Milan. Guess he was off the mark there as well. I've done the deal with these gentlemen here. No allignment. They wanted in War Games for their own reasons, I just needed back-up. You don't need friends in this business, you just need respect. I respect these guys. And these guys respect me enough to realise what I can do in War Games. Sly Sommers disrespected me. And now he's gonna pay. Dearly. MADDIX See, it's not about Sly Sommers... not for us, anyway. Emerging out of the shadows of the back of the room is Landon, having waited more than long enough to hear the sound of his own voice. MADDIX War Games for this man is a personal issue with Sly Sommers. War Games for Cucaracha Internacional is exposure. It's opportunity. It's the big stage, the big match, where we want to be. I said two weeks ago, we're always looking for the next opportunity to make things right. The Match Of Champions didn't end up being that opportunity, thanks to two of my champions being attacked before the match I hasten to point out. So, we move on to the next opportunity. Que sera! Whoever Sly Sommers ends up getting, whoever Sly Sommers even IS, doesn't matter. All that matters is, victory in War Games means big things for Cucaracha Internacional. MATTHEWS So you're putting these four into the most dangerous environment in the OAOAST just to get them noticed? MADDIX What!? No no no, you've got it all wrong Josh Matthews... yeah, I'm one of the four! Landon smiles a big smile. MADDIX Gimme some credit wouldya? I couldn't be in the Match Of Champions, but I can damn sure be in this. And you really think I'd put a liability like Todd Cortez in War Games!? A match of this importance? Todd Cortez cannot be trusted, not yet. Until he proves to me he's worthy of the time and devotion myself and Megan have invested in his career, he's officially bumped down the pecking order. He's at the bottom of the barrel. On the subs bench. Fifth in line, six if you count Megan! He'll be embarking on the grand Syndicated world tour and getting to know some of our fine enhancement workers here in the OAOAST a little better, until he finally proves his worth to me again. The camera pans over at this point, to reveal Todd Cortez standing in the corner of the room arms folded and listening to all this. See, I bet you thought he wasn't there! But he was! MADDIX War Games is far too big of a responsiblity for our lowest rank. That's why myself, Nathaniel Black, James Blonde and the bigman here, Faqu... Faqu beats his chest causing Josh to flinch. MADDIX ...are going to be representing Cucaracha Internacional with Mister Cone. PHOENIX (fixes Josh's jacket) Looks like I did pretty well for somebody who "just doesn't have it", doesn't it? Go pass the message on to your buddy Sommers. I look forward to seeing who he can use his 'charm' on to be on his side. I really do. Job done, Matthews is promptly 'escorted' out of the locker room by Nathaniel Black, who undoes all of Cone's good work of fixing his jacket by bustling him out the door. Josh brushes himself off as the door slams behind him again. MATTHEWS Well... guys, back to you in the arena. COACH What a coo for James Cone! COLE Well Sly Sommers wondered if anyone would be willing to trust Cone after what he did at The Milan Spectacular. Apparantly he found a group of guys just as untrustworthy as himself to round out his War Games team. COACH Hey, all Pheonix did was stand up for himself. The way I see it, it's 5 on 1 right now and who knows how many more people Sommers insulted in those fancy interviews of his besides Cone? Guy's got a big mouth and it's gonna come back to haunt him. COLE We'll see at The Great Angle Bash! But stay tuned for our mainevent! COMMERCIAL Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
