HD: Duncan girls skit!

[Patty O'Green 0]

Hmmm, KC if you have an updated version of the skit, you can use it, because this is just what I sent you. Unless this was supposed to be for the 7/11 show and not this current one, then uh oops!

 

[b]TAPED WEDNESDAY JULY 2ND
KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN'S HOME
LOS ANGELES[/B]

After Molly's fancy student grant provided helicopter flies over the Beverly Hills compound, our view switches to a slow stroll to Krista's modernist kitchen:
[img=http://www.luxury-kitchen-design.com/pages/portfolio/portImgs/dipernaOverall.jpg]
Except there are people in here! Maya sits at the clear glass kitchen table tying her flowing blond hair into a ponytail. Her bright red soccer jersey reflects beautifully off the surrounding glass, making her seem the dominant figure in the shot. Adding to Maya's dominance is Jade's low key soft colored outfit of grey track pants and a white Love Generation babydoll shirt. Krista's oldest leans against the counter, listening with some curiosity to a voice message on the phone.

JADE
Maya, who's this Conway guy who keeps calling here asking for you?

Maya doesn't even bother to pause from styling her hair, answering in the most casual way possible.

MAYA
Conway Gallagher. He loves me.

MOLLY
What middle schooler would not?

MAYA
Exactly. But I'm not at all interested.

MOLLY
My, what a wise young lady you are! You know what they say about a person with two first names, god only knows what awaits those who invest trust in someone with two last names.

MAYA
He's just not that interesting a guy.

JADE
What's wrong with him?

MAYA
He doesn't have a facebook for starters and enders.

JADE
So?

That unbelievable comment, so lacking in its understanding of basic youth culture, finally causes Maya to stop working with her hair and turn to Jade in shock. Thanks to some fine cinematography from Molly, Maya's blond locks are given an angelic quality by the beams of sun that shine through the window. A+ for this internship!  

MAYA
Its 2008, who doesn't have a Facebook? Wake up and log on, Conway!  It takes like two seconds to make that thing, the only reason you wouldn't have it is because no one would friend you 'cause you have no friends.

JADE
That's not true. I don't have a facebook.

MOLLY
Yes, that's her point.

JADE
I have friends.

MAYA
Names.

JADE
Um, Leon.

MAYA
He's your brother...cousin...uncle?

JADE
Its hard, I know.

MOLLY
He most assuredly does not count. Family is barred from this discussion. Unless they're imaginary family.

MAYA
Why would you need to make up imaginary family members? You have eight sisters.

MOLLY
Spend some time with them, and you will truly know why.

JADE
Uh...Maggie is my friend. So is Melody.

MAYA
Melody is trying to nab Leon from Maggie, right?

Jade jerks her head back as though she were the one being accused of girlfriend nabbing.

JADE
We don't really know that!

MAYA
Whatever! I wouldn't trust that girl. She plays dorky and innocent, but she knows exactly what she's doing. If Gossip Girl teaches us anything its that, your friends and family are only around to stab you in the back right before a two minute commercial break.

JADE
Back to Conway, I think you should give him a chance.

MOLLY
I do believe it would be in the boy's best interest if you stayed far away from him, before your mother castrates him.

JADE
Just because he doesn't have a facebook doesn't mean he's a bad guy or a loser. And if he is a loser, so what? Some of the coolest people I've ever met were losers.

MOLLY
And whom might they be?

JADE
Like..um..many proud graduates of loserdom..uh...just give him a chance!

MAYA
No chance, old woman, I am not hanging out with him, I am blocking his texts, and if he comes near me in the cafeteria he'll be spending fourth period pulling a tray full of taco salad out of his pants. I'd pay Molly's sister to hack his facebook but oh wait, he doesn't have one.

JADE
Old woman?! I'm only a couple years older than you.

Maya laughs at Jade's incredulous response.

MAYA
Hey, are you still gonna drive me to soccer?

JADE
These old bones and this terrible arthritis makes it kind of hard to grip the steering wheel. But I'll try. Go on and get ready.

Maya scurries out of the room to fetch her cleats, because only a disgusting slob would let their child wear cleats in the house. As she enters the room, she passes Alix, who gives a playful rub on the head, totally destroying Maya's carefully crafted ponytail/braid combo. Alix, in a Chris Pronger Ducks jersey, approaches with unusual caution, and her voice is an odd whisper.

ALIX
Hey, Jade, are we like cool and stuff?

With Maya being exactly like Krista, Jade figures it'll be a good half hour before she can return her hair the way she wants, and so sits down with time to kill.

JADE
Uh, why wouldn't we be?

ALIX
I've been thinking, which isn't usually a good thing, that's how I wound up wanted in six South American countries and the head of the Hitler Youth. But you know, like, I kinda did a really mean thing you a few months ago. Like, its my fault you're here. I told Mackenzie you were Krista's kid, and I didn't know she'd tell Moneymaker, but she did and things just went, totally crazy. I was so mad at Krista, that I put you in a really crappy position, and I kind of ruined your life.

JADE
You didn't ruin my life!

ALIX
Yeah, but, like, if I hadn't said anything to Mackie about you being Krista's daughter, everything would still be nice and chill for you.

JADE
But it wouldn't be real. My life might be calmer if I never found out Krista was my mom, but it would be a lie. I love my grandparents in Grand Rapids, but I love my mom to. I love being with her. Its been hard, its been hectic, and its been a major adjustment for me, and I'm still having trouble with it. I feel like I have so much to live up to, and I don't know if I can actually do it. But, I wouldn't trade it for my old life. Not at all. Things may be hard to handle sometimes, but beneath it all, I'm happy with my mom and my sister.

ALIX
The way you found out, with, like, Moneymaker, that was soooo sucky, though. Like, I felt bad for you, and I still feel bad.

JADE
It was bad and it hurt for quite a while. But I'm glad that I know the truth. And you don't have anything to apologize for. I'm happy that you're back.

ALIX
So you don't wanna just up and slug me in the stomach?

JADE
Nope!

ALIX
Gnarly! Then I won't be needing this!

Alix takes off her hockey jersey to reveal a bullet proof vest, which she discards with just as much thought as the hockey jersey. As Jade wonders what type of super strength Alix thinks she owns, the brunette makes an odd hand motion towards the window.

JADE
What was that hand motion for?

ALIX
Ohhhhhh nothin much! I just had some snipers strategically placed on the grounds to shoot you if you laid a hand on me. They're gone now! Gone back to their duty of making sure Terry doesn't rummage through the underwear drawers. Dude, like, I already know Shayne and Tyler are the official government sponsored panty inspectors around this house, who does he think he's fooling?

JADE
Um...

Before Jade can inform Alix that “panty inspector” might be another term for “stalker”, Krista glides into the room.

KRISTA
Jade, honey, you're gonna take Maya to soccer practice, right?

JADE
Yes. I promised her I would.

KRISTA
Oh, honey, that's abfab! Do you know why I love having an older daughter?

ALIX
I dunno, so you can shove of your mommy duties on her, and load up with Mermosas and Valium and watch John and Kate Plus 8 on TLC all day.

KRISTA
Those kids are adorable, aren't they!

ALIX
Oh my god, I know! We should have one of our own.

KRISTA
I'm not sure I'm really ready for one of us to get pregnant...

ALIX
Pregnancy? What are ya talkin about? I just meant steal one of their kids!

JADE
Mom, I have something to tell you. Something very important. Very.

KRISTA
Ahhhh, here it is. The day every mother comes to dread with every fiber in her being. The day that you look at your daughter with eyes flooding with searing tears, mouth quivering, and you wonder, “where, god, where did I go wrong.” I did all the right things for her, I sent her to an all girls' school, I enrolled her in golf and tennis lessons, I compared cutting cucumbers to chopping off the penis of our oppressors, I cut her hair into a buzzcut and dressed her in flannel until she was 10, and yet my daughter is heterosexual! Here, Jade, here! (Krista grabs a blender off the counter) Put my bleeding heart into this Krista Isadora Duncan endorsed and designed Cusinart blender available at fine department stores across this great land, God Bless America, land of the free home of the brave. Put it in!

Jade stands up and takes a deep breath, just stalling for time before she makes her large announcement.

JADE
I'm not a heterosexual. I mean, I am, but that's not important! What I want to say, is that I want to concentrate on becoming the OAOAST's women's champion.

ALIX
Wait wait wait a minute Mister Postrman! There's a women's championship? Like, for really real? Awww dude, I've been wrestling dudes like Logan, and Jock, who look like they oughta wear a helmet and a drool cup, when I could've been poppin bottles of Hennessy and gettin my freak on with Melody? Oh lawd, just stab a bitch with justice!! 

KRISTA
Yes, well, honey, as a Jew I'm very encouraged  by your quest to obtain a valuable precious metal from a woman named after a country with a majority Muslim population. But, as your mother, I don't know...

Jade looks disappointed with Krista's lack of enthusiasm.

JADE
You think its a bad idea.

KRISTA
Bad idea: casting Brandon Fraser in any role that isn't wearing a chicken suit in front of Rosco's Chicken and Waffles offering coupons for free buckets of drumsticks to passerbys. This isn't a bad idea...this is an [i]idea[/i]. I have good paint, and I have a bad paint, I just don't know which one to paint this idea with!

ALIX
Ooooh oooh oooh, paint is epic! Its sooooo my favorite food. Oh my god, dudes, for real, where else can you find a low carb taste treat and a gateway to a universe where unicorns rule with an iron fist and man is hunted for sport and pleasure?

KRISTA
Jade, where was such a fantastic thought was born? When I took you to the WNBA game it was to see if you could hook up with Candace Parker on the downlow, not to get all [i]Million Dollar Baby[/i] on me.

JADE
This is something I want to do. For you. When Grandmother..is it safe to call her that, she doesn't have spies here does she...when she talks about you, think of all the great stuff she can say. My daughter had her own television show, my daughter has wrote five New York Times Best Sellers, my daughter was on the cover of Vogue, my daughter was named the sexiest woman alive. I don't even think she knows what an OAOAST is but imagine if she did! What can you say about me? I slaughtered Leon at Children's Trivial Pursuit. Big deal, I read all the answers before hand and I spiked his drink. What can you say about me?

KRISTA
That I love you very much.

JADE
I want you to be able to say more. I can't act, so that's out. I can't sing.

ALIX
You can't do fitness videos, because ya got fatty-fat-fat thighs. You can't do runway modeling because ya got those fat thighs, and when you walk they kinda, like, rub together and make that super weird noise. Molly, how's it go?

MOLLY
Creeeek-creeeek-creeeeek.

ALIX
Naaah, its more like Sqqqqqueeeek-Sqqqqqueeeeek-Sqqqqqueeeeek. Do we have any fried chicken around? Just kind of rub the drum sticks together really fast, you'll get the sound!

Molly must've gotten bored in the editing room, because cartoon smoke begins rising from Jade's head

JADE
We get the point. Really, all that's left is wrestling. I have to do this.

KRISTA
Jade, baby, maybe you don't understand because you're not a mom, but none of that matters. I love you because of who you are, not what you are. The only thing you have to do to make me proud is be you!

ALIX
And never have sex with a man.

KRISTA
Obviously.

JADE
I'm sorry, mom, but I've made up my mind. I want that title and I'm going after Malaysia. And you can't stop me. You could actually. Very easily in fact. Hopefully you won't!