OAOAST Syndicated 7/8/08

[Patty O'Green 0]

 

Brought to you by American Express

Taped: July something or other

First air date: Sometime in July! Damn, quit sweatin ya man!

Announce team: Tony Schiavone and Jesse "The Body" Ventura

Lead correspondent: Tony Brannigan

 

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$Money In The Bank Tournament First Round Match$

The Mad Cappa Vs Cuban Wall

The match began with a basic feeling out process that suited Wall's lumbering very well. With little trouble, he was able to contain Cappa with headlocks and snapmares. Unfortunately Wall couldn't keep the plodding pace for very long as Cappa turned a pedestrian side headlock into crushing back body drop. From there it was Cappa that owned control of the match, beating down his foe with fast moving offense. After nailing Wall with a double arm ddt, Cappa decided it was time to attempt a Bust a Cap. However Wall broke free of the finisher and struck Cappa with a twisting spine buster that got a close two count. After that the match was all Wall, and he targeted Cappa's back without mercy. After seemingly crippling his foe with a spinning back breaker, Wall came off the ropes with a body splash aimed at Cappa's back. But at the last moment, the DC native slid out the way, and Wall suffered through a terrible crash into the mats bellow! Cappa quickly attempted to capitalize with The Walls of Cappa, however Wall powered out of the hold and stunned Cappa with The Wallbreaker followed by the Lightning Crew Splash for a pin. With that victory Wall advances through the tournament to face the winner of ThunderKidand Krista.

 

Winner and advancing to the second round: Wall via pinfall.

 

Backstage we saw Sophie Grey chatting with Holly-Wood and Logan Mann. Understanding them might have been a bit difficult for most of our viewers as the native of France spoke with HeldDOWN's leading couple entirely en Francais! However it didn't take years of French to understand Josie's disgust when she mentioned the names of D*LUX. With cockiness soaking off his foreign words, Logan seemingly promised to handle one of D*LUX later tonight.

 

Backstage, Josh Matthews sat down with EMT Cash, his face wrapped in bandages. Despite his terrible Cash was full of energy as he laid into Jock for selling out the ideals of the Rescue 911 team. Cash showed the camera pictures of better times with Bosley, and said he thought that meant something. Now that he realized it didn't, he tore all the pictures to shreds. He stated that R911 never may have had the success of The Enterprise at least they could look themselves in the mirror every night. “Now, Bosley doesn't he even have that luxury” Cash said he hoped that Bosley would have the good sense to see the side of good, but if he doesn't Cash said all he'll see is the “underside of my boot!”

 

Denzel Spencer Vs Reggie Lamont W/Felix Strutter

The animosity between these two former partners was evident before the match even officially got underway, with Lamont sending his massive physique crashing through the ropes to topple Spencer with a lariat. Left wounded by the assault, Denzel was brutally thrown around the outside area by RL. As the match hadn't even officially began, Strutter was able to aid his comrade in laying into their foe. After they concluded their beatdown, the chortling duo rolled Spencer into the ring, only to get a two count! As both Lamont and Strutter argued the count, Spencer desperately tried to regain his strength. When he finally found his energy, he assaulted Lamont with a torrent of punches to the back. Lamont struggled to fight back, but could do nothing against the kicks Spencer aimed at his legs. Nearly crippled, Strutter fell victim to a t-bone suplex that almost scored a three count. Despite searing pain in his limbs, the big man managed to rise off the canvas and offer weak punches in his defense. Spencer shrugged off these piddling attacks to whip Lamont into the corner. He landed stomach first into the the ring posts, and suffered from that error through a body splash by Spencer. After staggering from the posts he was caught by a rolling wheel kick that sent blood spilling out his mouth and him spilling to the canvas. But ringside distractions from Strutter caused him to miss his chance, and provided Lamont with all the time needed to recuperate. Back on somewhat even footing, the former friends traded blows and punches before Lamont mowed Spencer down with a fierce lariat! That devastating strike was followed up by a pair of neckbreakers and a brainbuster, that gave way to the always exciting reverse chinlock! The move appeared to be doing its job in wrenching and grinding on Spencer's neck, and the audience feared a submission.

 

The fans clapped their hands and stomped their feet, movements that annoyed Lamont and rallied Spencer to his feet. A parade of elbows won Spencer his freedom and he soon began overwhelming Lamont with his lightening fast kicks! After blocking a roundhouse, Lamont charged to the ropes, bouncing off with a high knee lift that Spencer countered with a leaping side kick! Fearing the worst for his ally, Felix Strutter ascended onto the apron. However, the former world champion was blasted off by a running elbow smash from Spencer! While the audience cheered Strutter's misfortune, Spencer charged back towards his fallen foe, and was speared by James Riggs! That unexpected bit of interference lead senile referee Clem Buzzlefoxer to call for a DQ in Reggie Lamont's favor.

 

Winner: Reggie Lamont via DQ????

 

Post match Riggs joined with Lamont and Strutter to pummel the beaten Spencer with stomps and celebrate with sadistic smiles and high fives. Thankfully the rotund duo of Jumo and Deuce Deuce rushed to (I use that term as loose as Jumbo keeps his pants) the ring to save their friend from further beatings.

 

On the interview stage Tony Brannigan stood with the always sometimes never lovely, but always blond and beautiful, Mackenzie DeCenzo. Brannigan, who had his amount of tense interviews with The Enterprise, was in a strangely pleasurable mood standing next to Moneymaker's right hand woman. Why, you might ask? Perhaps because his topic of conversation was her ex-girlfriend Alix's return to the OAOAST months after the breakup to their tumultuous relationship. Not surprisingly the normally obnoxiously wordy blond was silent as a clam at this question. Brannigan wondered how she must feel knowing that her 15 minutes of fame on E! and TMZ came to a screeching halt when Alix dumped her. Mackenzie insisted that she wasn't dumped, it was a mutual parting. Brannigan said he saw Alix's photo assistants dumping Mackenzie's stuff on the sidewalk in front of her condo in US Weekly. Visibly annoyed, Mackenzie attempted to make herself seem like the good girl in a relationship with a violent, temperamental drug fiend. Realizing that the crowd wasn't buying that, she asked Brannigan why people weren't talking about the technical wizardy of Nathanial Black, the high flying talents of Jamie O'Hara, the smash mouth brawling of Tango Bosley. When Brannigan asked since when did Mackenzie give a hoot about wrestling, she replied “since everyone kept asking me about my failed lesbian relationship!”

 

Mackenzie did have some good news for (almost) everyone in the Money In The Bank Tournament, she announced that Theodore Moneymaker would give whoever eliminated Krista from the tournament 15% of his shares in TSM. Mackenzie went to say that bounties have been offered before in wrestling, but rarely ever work. “That's because wrestlers are far too simple minded to understand the value of the dollar, but what they and anyone else can comprehend is power. Teddy is giving them more power than they've ever known.” At that point ThunderKid, Krista's first round opponent, joined us on stage backed up by the cane wielding Sandman. Kid said that several months ago when the OAOAST was up in arms over who was Krista's child, he prayed every night to be her son. But, now he's come to realization that Krista is a cheap, fake, Hollywood product, no more real “then the so called reality shows you morons lap up like dogs dying of starvation!”. ThunderKid insisted that as one half of the tag team champions and former Heartland champ, he's what's real in this world. He promised that everyone would see what a real threat he is when he ends Krista's year long winning streak and takes her out the tournament. Then he said that as a bonus the world would be able to see “real violence, real destruction, and a real homicide” when Sandman “mutilates that gelled haired Rodez punk” in their Heartland title match. What does ThunderKid have against well kept hair????

 

You know what Syndicated needs more of? Short, pudgy, luchadores in teeny bikini briefs. Los Diablos aimed to give us just that with the first ever “¡zócalo! All male revue” While Mariachi and Moracca may have been ¡Guácala! in pink leather speedos that reveled and unshaven bikini line (ahhh!), the lineup of six hot hardbodied hunks were en fuego! Mariachi and Moracca asked all their homies in attendance to help them decide which lucky stud muffin would be crowned king of the “¡zócalo! All male revue” and get to spend one night of passion in their motel room. The contestants strutted their stuff and worked their ahem total package with scintillating dance moves that nearly caused the luchadores to faint from an erotic overload. Unfortunately their heavenly party was interrupted by the emergence of Mister Dick and Malaysia. Jock cruised to the ring and gruffly ordered the contestants to depart. With his BUTT revealing chaps and shredded body lathered in baby oil, he was enough of a pleasuring sight to make Los Diablos forget about their beefcake. The duo welcomed Jock to dance with them, but despite his revealing outfit Mulligan wasn't up for having a gay old time. He derided the competition as insult to his beauty, and an affront to his crown as handsomest man in the OAOAST. Jock said that pretenders to his throne wouldn't be tolerated, and anyone who dares to showcase them would be punished. That was Malaysia's cue and she struck down both Diablos with her whip! The crowd chanted for Baron, and as Jock lifted Mariachi up for the Pure Penetration, The Gunslinger himself emerged from the stands! Not wanting any of Baron, Jock let his victim go free and he and Malaysia high tailed it out the ring. As the crowd applaud his efforts, Baron leaned over the ropes and told Jock “You'll get your's, son!”

 

THIS WEEK ON HeldDOWN~!

Too much shit to copy and paste!

 

***Logan Mann W/Holly-Wood Vs Tyler Bryant W/Shayne Brave***

Sugary boybands vs trashy metal! The OAOAST version of battle of the bands kicked off with Logan immediately trying to strike Bryant with a Percussion DDT. Thankfully for D*LUX fanclub members around the globe, Bryant battled free of the front facelock set up. He then stunned Mann with a hurricanrana pinfall that earned a close two count. Back on their feet, the two traded knife edge chops that gained the requiste whoo's from the crowd. Midway thorough the tenth whoo, Shayne swept Logan's legs from under him and nearly caved in his stomach with a high reaching senton! Mann quickly scrambled to his feet, but had his stomach pains further increased by a stomach crusher. Bryant then wowed his adoring fans and pushed Logan further to the brink of vomiting with a spring board frog splash. That might have gotten three had Holly not worked her way onto the apron to distract Tyler, because well, redheads are pretty hot. Tyler abruptly ended his pinfall, but did so only to inform Holly that she's no Krista! Seeking to defend his wife's honor, Logan knocked Bryant through the ropes with a running double knee strike. Though the Tremendous one landed on the apron, he was still facing a sizable amount of pain as Logan dragged him into the air for a vertical suplex. However, the youngster slipped out the hold and shimmied down Mann's body for a pin that saw Earl Hebner's hand hit the mat twice before a kickout. Tyler then brought Logan to his feet but was taken by surprise with a jaw breaker. Logan then wound up and blasted the teenybopper with a pair of left crosses.

 

Sent toppling to the corner, Bryant was battered with the tried and true corner ten punches. His pain grew greater when Logan lept into the sky and drove his knee into the tip of his forehead. A rivulet of blood tricked down his cheeks, just enough to trickle tears down the cheeks of many girls in the audience. Logan didn't much care for their calls of mercy, and caught Bryant with a face crusher. He proceeded to do more damage to the Deteroiter's cute looks with a running knee drop and an elbow smash. Tyler valiantly fought to his feet but was brought down by a shoulder tackle aimed directly at his face. Again Tyler stood upright, but had no defense against a spinning elbow from the rock n wrestling icon. Now grounded from all the strikes lashed against his face, Tyler was caught in a move that was basically a body scissors face gouge! This certainly didn't please the crowd or Shayne, and they begged Bryant to stage a comeback.

 

The three time HI-YAH tag champion granted their wish, and fought through Logan's cheap tacticts with wild body blows. Heading upright, he met the MACHO Macho Mann with a furious round of punches that allowed him to whip his rival towards the ropes. When Logan returned, Tyler hit him with a Samoan Drop! Moving with haste, he hooked Logan's leg for a pin but found he could only get a two. Back on their feet, the two men traded punches with Logan gaining the upperhand from a left uppercut. Two more body blows, weakened Bryant to the point where Mann was able to trap him into a double underhook. Up Bryant went, and down he came courtesy of an underhook suplex. Logan then taunted the capacity crowd as he climbed to the top rope. As the boos reached their highest point of the night, Mann flew off with an elbow drop. However, his arm crashed violently into the canvas when Tyler slid his body out the way! Although physically decimated by his errant move, Mann dragged himself off the canvas. Unfortunately he stood himself up right into a school boy from Bryant. “Tremendous” Tyler held Logan down with a hook of the tights for the match deciding three count!

 

Winner: Tyler Bryant, via pinfall

 

Post match Tyler scrambled out the ring to join Shayne, protection against an irate Logan Mann. The defeated wrestler stomped about the ring loudly complaining about the illegal tactics at use.

Edited July 9, 2008 by Patty O'Green

[Dr. Zoidberg 0]

SOPHIE Grey. Josie's alllllll-American, baby.

[Patty O'Green 0]

I knew that!!! No srsly i really did. I always meant for it to be Sophie in the segment but for some dumb ass reason typed Josie. But its fixed!

[Dr. Zoidberg 0]

Shiiiiiiit, blood. It's cool as Cristal chillin' with a bottle of Co-vas-ee-ey.

 

WU-TANG!