Arrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!

[Guest J*ingus]

My god. I feel scarred for life, and need to recount this.

 

Okay, about two hours ago my brother got a call from his girlfriend. Somehow, a fucking SQUIRREL had gotten into her house, and was now running amock, knocking things over, etc. So my brother and I get drafted as impromptu animal control.

 

We get there, and I find that the girlfriend doesn't know where the squirrel is... yet every door in the house is still hanging wide open. I sigh, mutter some profanities, and go about closing all the doors. Eventually, we do locate the creature: he's hiding underneath the heater. And not just any heater, but a huge sucker that's bolted to the wall and felt like it weighed at least five thousand pounds. My brother got a baton, I got a golf club, and we went to work.

 

Well, this was one stout & sturdy squirrel. I was pushing on this thing with damn near all my might, and it barely even budges. I mean, it's got the fine art of no-selling DOWN. Twice, we manage to poke & prod the thing out into the open, and it promptly runs a full circle of the room, smashes head-first into the now-closed doors, and then rushes back under the heater, all the while making oddly sinister Chip & Dale noises. The girlfriend went to fetch a squirt bottle (no effect), a net (got in the way more than anything), and a bunch of really long matches (one of which I actually poked the animal with WHILE IT WAS LIT, and still nothing, nada, it stares at me for a second before almost casually hopping onto the match and putting it out).

 

So finally I get the bright idea of opening another door in the room, which leads to the outside, in hopes that the squirrel will run out that way whenever we flush it out a third time. However, the squirrel Munks Up and ignores all our pitiful efforts. Finally, I see that its tail is poking out from behind the heater and I grab it. I was ready to drop it at a moment's notice if the damn thing turned on me, but instead a fairly horrifying thing happened: the critter gave a mighty jerk, and RIPPED OFF ITS OWN TAIL. The severed piece was only about a quarter-inch of cartilege with some fur attached to it, but ho boy did I freak out.

 

Finally, somehow, my partners in grime managed to get it out from behind the heater again, and this time we were waiting right away with pillows and blankets to keep it from getting back underneath there. The thing then ran around the room in a bezerk manner. Remember that open door to the outside? The thing is as dimwitted as it is mighty, and runs right past its own ticket to freedom at least a dozen times. I play goalie with the golf club to keep the furry puck-on-legs from getting back to the heater, while my brother and girlfriend chase it around with a basket and the aforementioned butterfly net. Well, this goes on for around three days, before my brother finally THROWS the damn basket down over the squirrel in an incredibly lucky shot. So he drags the basket across the floor and out the doorr, where we FINALLY get rid of the thing. Even as we were leaving, we saw it running around in a lawn across the street.

 

The kicker: when we got home just a few minutes ago, we happened to walk in on our mom as she was watching TV. Specifically, Kindergarten Cop. Even more specifically, the scene where the HIGHLY SQUIRREL-LIKE ferret jumps out and bites the guy in the neck. We broke down into screams, and I am weeping even as I type this now.

[Guest Flyboy]

Sorry, Jingus, but I was laughing at the story all the way through it...

[Guest The Superstar]

Man, I thought stuff like that only happened in movies

[Guest fk teale]

And you complain about having no column material.

[Guest Flyboy]

And you complain about having no column material.

OMG!! "The Flaming King" is back!!

[Guest MarvinisaLunatic]

Someone call PETA!

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

MUNKING UP!!!!!!!!

 

My laws of physics and chemistry, that was 24 karat GOLD.

[Guest KingOfOldSchool]

I have a story like that. But nowhere nearly as exciting or funny.

 

A few years ago. It was 10:30-11:00 at night, somewhere around there. I'm in my room, my brother is in his. He opened up his closet, and suddenly a squirrel falls out of a shirt hanging on the rod. My brother screams, "Squirrel!" With this, my mother and I come in.

 

The squirrel gets scared and begins running circles around the room. As it's running around, all three of us try and catch it to no success. Finally, after about 15 minutes of this, my brother grabs a clothes basket and throws it onto the squirrel. The squirrel hides in a pair of jeans already inside the basket, so my brother takes the pants to the window and shakes them out... and the squirrel takes off.

 

So, we came to the conclusion that the squirrel somehow got into the attic, and made it's way through the sole attic entrance which was cracked open, which happens to be in the closet.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Squirrels rule. I love 'em, and would gladly let them roam in my house.

 

As long as the little fuckers just don't give me rabies.