OAOAST Syndicated 8/19/08

[Patty O'Green 0]

 

Brought to you by American Express

Taped: August 15th, 2008

First air date: August 17th, 2008 (check local listings for airings in your area)

Announce team: Tony Schiavone and Jesse "The Body" Ventura

Lead correspondent: Tony Brannigan

 

The show ain't even started yet and the party still jumpin on The Heavenly Rockers tour bus (with armed security to protect against a pissed off In Crowd!) where invited guest Megan Sky crushed a cup of wine with Holly, Abdullah and the boys from sin city. While Abdullah was eager to hit her up for a charitable contribution to his temple, Megan was there to discuss an issue that routinely hounds she and her spanish beau, that issue being Todd Cortez. The Perfect 10 told her gracious hosts that she and Landon have tried everything short of lobotomies and electroshock therapy to corral the unruly Cortez, yet have had no success. Holly seriously wondered why castration hadn't been used, with Megan replying that its to expensive to take out the SWF budget. Thus she was wondering if Abdullah or Synth might be able to offer some spiritual guidance to Cortez that could make him more obedient towards Maddix. Abdullah sadly shook his head, saying that he's watched Cortez and that he's far beyond conventional methods of Muslim wisdom. But, he told Megan not to despair, as when the teachings of the honorable prophets fail, the teachings of a good beating would not. Logan quit strumming his acoustic guitar, and told Megan he and Synth would be happy to instill some discipline and humility in the rebellious Urban Legend.

 

Give us your poor, your malformed, your miscreant, and your criminal, and KC and I will find some zany shit for them, and I will contemplate using them in a shower non consent/reluctance sex scene. On this week's edition of syndicated, TV's most homoerotic television program since Studs, we present to you Jamie O'Hara and Spanish Fly team together to face the Mardi Gras Homewrecking. The Heavenly Rockers meeting up with Todd Cortez and so much more. So very much more!

 

***”The Urban Legend” Todd Cortez Vs “The Only Rock N Wrestling Band That Matters” The Heavenly Rockers W/Holly Mann(name change!)***

 

To begin the contest Cortez and Synth engaged in a slow feeling out process, the intensity of which picked up quite a bit when Synth backed The Urban Legend into the corner and chopped him in the throat. This did not sit well with Cortez and he retaliated with a shoulder tackle and a clothesline that sent Abdul Jabbar bailing outside the ring. Cortez, of course gave chase, but as Synth climbed back into the ring, Holly held onto his leg allowing Synth to hit a baseball slide and Logan to drop a flipping body splash onto Cortez's head. With Logan in the ring, Cortez's neck was given a hellish pounding by the rockstar's various neckbreakers. After reversing Cortez's own twisting neckbreaker into one of his one, Logan grounded him with a full nelson on the mat. Though the hold was dreadfully painful, Cortez took support from the audience, and fought to his feet. He burst through Logan's submission and charged to the ropes. However, Synth caught him with a knee to the back, and Logan floored him with a wicked left hand!

 

Synth tagged himself back into the match, and built on the damage Logan caused to Cortez' neck. Abdul Jabar wasn't quite as successful as his partner, though, as Cortez fought back to hit him with a pump handle slam! He looked to flatten a dazed and wounded Synth with the Riot Act Plus, but was distracted by Logan mocking him on the apron. He charged Mann, only to be rolled up into a near fall by a recovered Synth. Enraged that his vulgar meddling almost cost him the match, Cortez leaped from the ring to chase after The MACHO Macho Mann. But Logn wisely led him back into the squared circle, where his partner hit him with a flying neckbreaker that earned a two count. Eager to finish The Urban Legend off, Synth went to the corner to remove the turnbuckle pad. While the referee tried to appeal to Abdul Jabbar's better religious nature, Holly handed his copy of the Koran to Logan, who used it to bash Cortez skull in. Seeing that dastardly deed, Synth abandoned all efforts to remove the turnbuckle pads and instead went to the top rope to put Cortez down with the Sky Hook Elbow to end the match!

 

Winners: The Heavenly Rockers via pinfall

 

Delighted with their victory, The Rockers and Holly walked back up the ramp, cruelly taunting and insulting their defeated foe. As If that weren't annoying enough to the audience and Cortez, as the former tag champions left, the OAOAST 's resident paranoid psychotic Biff Atlas rushed down the ramp toting a clipboard, and slid into the ring. Upon entering the ring, Atlas kindly told us the craziest of all his crazy ass thoughts and fears; the fans who came in droves to the many OAOAST live events were a plague upon the athletes in the ring, the referees, the security staff, the vendors, and even themselves. With fear cracking his voice and sending tremors through his body, he said that such a violent sport performed in front of so many people fueled feelings of aggression and pumped adrenaline in the human body. When aggression and adrenaline are at “critical levels” in large crowds violence inevitably ensues, and when violence ensues, murder, assault, fights, and rape ensues. Needless to say the 16,000 homicidal rapists in attendance were not pleased with Biff's lunatic ramblings. Biff wasn't put off by their booing, and said he didn't expect them to thank him for saving them all from an early grave or worse yet being molested at the urinal. Just the preservation of human life was thanks enough to him. His demands were utterly insane in their simplicity, he wanted all fans immediately banned from OAOAST events, and for the shows to be performed in an empty gym! To show his seriousness he began a petition to ban all non OAOAST personnel from the events. And not a crappy online petition like lets get Caroline in the city back on the air or something, but a real one, on a real clipboard, and Biff said he'd be honored if Todd Cortez was his first signature. A man of few words, and already angered by his loss to The Rockers, Todd ripped Biff's petition to shreds and then Riot Act Plussed the saftey nut to MASSIVE CHEERS!

 

***Tim Cash Vs Luther***

 

Luther looked a touch nervous before the contest, and with a fate that may hold devouring stink bugs could you really blame him. Cash's quest to punish the BB's for their crimes against him got off to a rocking start as he terrorized Luther early on, including nearly turning him inside out with lariat. He didn't actually turn him inside out with a lariat, that would be physical impossibility obviously. That's why I said nearly. Things became a bit more even after a few minutes when Luther reversed a DDT into a northern lights suplex. From there Cash kept trying to go after Luther's back to weaken him for The Midwest Sling (Texas Cloverleaf) and Luther kept seeking a quick and easy pinfall. He struck a different kind of paydirt when he blocked a second rope cross body block which allowed him to take Cash into a body lock. It looked like Cash would submit to the basic hold, but “Wrestling's Last Real Good Guy” broke free of the submission and begin peppering his foe with punches. Eager to get away from the punchfest, Luther put himself off the ropes, but unfortunately came right back into a flapjack from the former EMT. Cash quickly turned him over into a Midwest Sling that Luther eagerly submitted to.

 

Winner: Tim Cash via submission

 

Backstage is all the rage, baby! Because backstage is where we found Spanish Fly and Jamie O'Hara chatting about their upcoming contest with The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew. Chatting, not the right word. Hellish bickering, a bit better. Fly was none to pleased with having to team with O'Hara, who he called nothing short of a “Place faced, two bit Spanish Fly wannabe”. O'Hara wasn't hearing any of that, and said if anyone's coppin the next man's style its Fly because O'Hara was the innovator of high flying moves in the OAOAST. He alleged that before he came along the top rope was where you slammed a guy's face into. Fly couldn't buy this, and said everyone knew he was the premier high flyer around these parts. To which O'Hara wondered aloud if that was true why he's never won a match. Fly just shrugged and said winning was overrated and its all about “style points” these days. He walked off and somewhere the 1-15 Miami Dolphins smiled, because they may not win a game this season, but damn if those aren't nice uniforms.

 

***Spanish Fly and “The Birmingham Bad Boy” Jamie O'Hara Vs The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew***

 

The very fact that the MGHWC did not decide to hate each other's guts within the last paragraph didn't exactly work to their favor early on. The high flyers were so eager to one up each other that they left the Wrecking Crew a dizzied wreck with their aerial assaults. While Soul was able to somewhat keep up with his rivals, Rico was totally at a lost to handle their speedy movements and fell victim to every manner of flippy floppy attack. Sheer luck alone saw him lariat O'Hara out the sky on a backflip cross body block, and his team was finally able to take control of the match. But, Rico devoted most of his time to enticing (and failing) the ladies in the front row to remove their tops. Thus O'Hara wasn't on the defensive much and quickly returned to giving Rico headaches. A blind and very unwanted tag brought Fly into the match, but Rico was ready for him and turned his springboard dive into a spine buster. With that he and Soul worked over Fly's back, in between trying to get the ladies to remove their tops of course. A backbreaker almost had the win for The Wrecking Crew, but Fly slipped free of Soul's clutches and landed right in front of O'Hara. Though Fly certainly did not want it, O'Hara made a hot tag and the fans let out a loud cheer.

 

Soul was put on his back with a missile dropkick then got served with some kick ass break dancing! This brought in Rico to defend his partner's dancing honor, but Rico was dropped by a dropsault! He hastily stepped to his feet and snatched his foe into a Mustache Ride setup. But O'Hara slithered free and stunned him with a back flip neckbreaker! Back on his feet, Soul tried to ground the Birmingham Bad Boy but was caught by a Black Russian Legsweep! With the audience rooting him on, the Brit scaled to the top rope for the Blaze Out 630! But before he could hit his finisher, his own partner shoved him off the ropes! As O'Hara crashed to the outside, Fly climbed onto the turnbuckles and proclaimed his high flying greatness over his “ally”. To prove it Fly executed a SSP, but as he neared the ground Soul rolled out the way! Fly never got a chance to recover before the Jive Soul Bro lifted him up and hit him with the Fro 2 Sleep for a victory!

 

Winner: Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew via pinfall

 

The MGHWC sometimes ally Biff Atlas sat in his lockeroom, well not really his lockeroom, Biff wouldn't have his own lockeroom he's just a lower midcarder. Actually it wasn't even a lockeroom, it was just a hallway because he got kicked out the lockeroom because frankly he annoys the hell out of everyone. Anyway, Biff sat in the hallway, using the tattered shreds of his petition to dry his freely flowing tears. Megan Skye and Vinny Valentine approached him to interrupt his pity party. Though Vinny Valentine was a little preoccupied with wiping down his snakeskin rimmed sunglasses, he told Biff to not be to upset about the petition, as he said he saw a lot of fans smoking outside arena, meaning they'll get lung cancer and die someday anyway. Biff thanked Vinny for the kind words, but said unless its a type of mutant lung cancer that kills them in the next 15 minutes, he sees only pain and suffering in his future. Not terribly interested in the safety threats posed by the fans, Megan and profusely apologized for Cortez behavior, and told Biff there was no justification for what he did. However, she tried to cheer Biff up by telling him she had some good news. Biff perked up, thinking she was about to tell him the fans had been booted from the arena and replaced with super robots designed specifically to shoot any fan who tries to renter this very arena. Not quite. Actually he and Vinny would be teaming up to take on Cortez in the mainevent! Biff's heart just about broke at that news, and not even the little shredded slips of papers dry his river of tears.

 

The Last Kings Of Scotland Vs The Eskimo Kid and Hans Hafada

Syndicated got a bit more...scottishier...uh...kinglier...hey that's actually a real word! Wow, learn something new every time you throw in a jobber match to get more dudes on the show. Fresh off successive losses to Doctors of Doctornomics, The Love Doctors, The Last Kings Of Scotland were put against slightly easier competition. And it doesn't get much easier than little dude dressed as an eskimo and another cat named after the piercing of the scrotum. Our lovely genital piercing enthusiast was of little difficulty for “The Braveheart” Scottish Scott and Danny Boy, and Scotland's finest took him out the match early with attacks that culminated in Danny's Flower of Scotland (top rope brainbuster). That left the ever so cute Eskimo Kid to try and battle off the OAOAST rookies. What EK had in being really, really, adorable he lacked in everything else, and was mercilessly beaten by the LK's. However a victory roll reversal on a powerbomb by Danny Boy almost got him a pinfall victory, and the follow up diving sunset flip on Scott did the same. EK continued his string of luck with various rollups, but that luck would be crushed by SS's Collie-Buckie (front electric chair slam). The LK's went up top and laid waste to EK with the Highland Farewell )(double top leg drop) for their first victory here in the OAOAST.

 

Winners: The Last Kings of Scotland

 

THIS WEEK ON HeldDOWN!~!

THE LAST SEMI FINAL MONEY IN THE BANK MATCH

LANDON MADDIX VS ALFDOGG

AND, FALLOUT FROM THE CONTROVERSIAL BLACK VS MALIBU MATCH

THIS WEEK ON HeldDOWN~!

 

***Todd Cortez Vs Panic At The Disco!***

 

Poor, poor, Biff. Placed in a match with a man so dangerous that a relatively normal non-paranoid psychotic tried to get his finisher banned. All too knowledgeable of danger the Riot Act Plus poses, Biff tried to get Todd to sign a pledge card swearing he wouldn't use the hold. As Cortez read over Biff's chicken scratch, The Disco Duck jumped him from behind! Actually believing that Crotez was going to sign the card, Biff ran to the apron screaming “You've doomed us all!” However it looked like Cortez was doomed in the early portion of the match, as Vinny controlled him with his trademark offense that constantly skirts the rules of the OAOAST. Eye gouges and back rakes were the order of the day until Vinny scored with a trio of vertical suplexes. Unfortunately his decision to try for a German Suplex proved ill fateed as Cortez flipped out and whipped him towards Biff. Atlas was busy lecturing a fan on not standing so close to the guardrail, lest he be hit by an errant wrestler. But it was Biff who was hit by his errant partner, and knocked off the apron and into the fan! Vinny staggered back into the crowd popping Riot Act Plus, which would've been a sure three count had Biff not returned to break up the fall.

 

Enraged at Cortez's continued refusal to adhere to these mysterious codes of safety only Biff and Biff alone knows of, Biffy attacked him with a hard hitting brawling offense and showed no signs of his usual cowardice. His biggest move yet came with the Always Wear Safety Goggles, a high knee lift that showed Cortez why you really should always wear saftey goggles. As Todd was apparently KO'ed by the signature strike Biff went to the top for the safety sault. But there his cowardice returned, as he realized a moonsault was a one way ticket to a pair of broken ribs! However his fearful nature again led to his downfall, as The Urban Legend powerbombed him off the ropes! Though Biff was seemingly out of it, Vinny Valentine was fully recovered and attacked his foe with wild ferocity. His punches and clubbing forearms weakened Cortez to the point where he was able to get on his Boogie Shoes (shinning wizard). But Cortez recovered just in time to duck Vinny's kick, and hastily got back to his feet. Enraged, Vinny charged The Urban Legend with a lowered shoulder. That proved to be a huge mistake as the Disco Duck was a sitting duck and was crushed by another crowd thrilling Riot Act Plus! At the sight of his partner being destroyed by perhaps the most deadly move in the OAOAST, Biff tried to hightail half way to Mexico. Unfortunately he's about as fast as a paraplegic in a wheel chair made of molasses, and Cortez caught him with the Riot Act Plus that got the biggest cheers yet and an un, deux, trois!

 

Winner: Todd Cortez via pinfall

 

c-ya next week!

Edited August 20, 2008 by Patty O'Green