HD: Miss Money In The Bank Ceremony

[Patty O'Green 0]

tony, patty rule in effect, that is if you have any will to write after the browns come back and beat the boys.

 

Our already fantastic and fancy entrance stage is made even more elaborate by its newest and latest decor additions.  There are large walls constructed of metallic bars that alternate between flashing brilliant red, blue, and orange lights. Between these walls, stands a riser made of metal and highlighted by a similar light scheme. Gorgeous women, all dressed in evening gowns, and looking like they're all contestants for Miss America stand on the risers with large welcoming smiles. At the center of the stage stands a young woman with fair skin, blond hair tied into a bun, full red lips and a dress to match. Though she's unrecognized by the fans, she holds a microphone, and seems to be our host for the evening.

WOMAN
Hey, everyone, same old show, brand new face! The name is Melissa Nerdly, the newest Nerdly to grace your presence, and I couldn't be more excited to be making my debut in the home of baseball's Houston Astros! Even better, I've got an out of this world first assignment! Instead of standing backstage asking boring questions, I get to stand out here with a star that shines brighter than any one the Apollo 13 ever touched. I get to host the coronation of the brand new Miss Money In The Bank Krista Isadora Duncan!

There's a huge pop from the stands in anticipation of Krista.

COLE
Krista beating Landon Maddix at Angleslam.

MELISSA
Houston, Texas, Minute Maid Park, please stand up and welcome the woman who stands tall above a field of sixteen, Miss California, Krista Isadora Duncan!

The expected roar goes up from the sold out stadium audience as they get to their feet to hail the Hollywood starlet. As triumphant, Miss America style music booms in the background, the ladies on the risers applaud politely as any good beauty pageant contestant would do. In 7th heaven with all the prime examples of female beauty around, Krista struts onto the stage, looking as gorgeous as always in a shimmering beaded blue strapless gown. Krista is clearly a pro at the beauty pageant game, toting her MITB briefcase in one arm, and waving to her adoring fans with the other, and flashing a million dollar smile. When she reaches Melissa the two blonds exchange a quick peck on the cheek.

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”

MELISSA
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being with us for this magical moment in OAOAST history. At this time we have reached the moment crown Miss California the official and first ever Miss Money In The Bank. Wear the crown with pride and honor.

Melissa is handed a beautiful, sparkling, jewel encrusted crown from a nearby stage hand, as one of the models from the riser's passes Krista an overflowing bouquet of roses. Melissa attaches the tiara onto Krista's head, not seeing her gushing smile, but certainly feeling Krista waggle her tush against her. That explains the smile.

KRISTA
Honey, don't worry, its a Hollywood thing, its what we do. BUTT grinding is the new black.  Trust me, I went to graduate school. God, this is a lot different than when I did these pageants when back when I was a teeny tiny little alcoholic. I don't have my mother screaming “Second place? Second place? I didn't lug you around in my womb for nine months for second place, you miserable bitch!” And today unlike my first ever Little Miss Pageant I didn't also walk into a pole in front of the judges and have my fragile eight year old ego reduced to tears by my mother shouting "You horrible degrading rodent, is this what I raised you for? Is that you gift to me for giving you the gift of life?" Why did you bring up these terrible memories, Melissa?

MELISSA
I...I...I'm sorry? I didn't know?

KRISTA
You're a pretty girl, so I'll let you slide. If you were Terry Taylor they'd be trying to talk me out of using the pyro rockets to launch you into the next century. Now for my acceptance speech. Usually, people just tune into these things to see cute girls in bikinis. But, I'm not wearing a bikini, so I better find something poignant and intelligent to say. Normally, what I'd do is ignore all the jealous hateful stares from the girls my wonderful breasts just trounced, and ignore the urge to shake these wonderful breasts in their face and scream "In yo face, ho, in yo skank ass face!" and compliment them on a job well done. So, in that spirit, I'd like to compliment my every Money In The Bank opponent on a job well done.  Like to, but I can't. I don't very much remember who I faced in the first round, the Undertaker knock off I fought in the second round believed I could shoot lasers from my eyes which is absurd everyone knows they're concussive force blasts not lasers, I fought Leon Rodez in the third, and I promised Jade I'd go every other month without finding new, creative, and hopefully mortally wounding ways of torturing him, so I have to wait three more weeks before I can deploy the homing missile Alix bought off the Iranian black market. A little pricer than the Hong Kong one, but we always leave with a smile on our face and a greater understanding of the teachings of Islam.

MELISSA
That leaves, Landon Maddix.

“BOOOOOOOOO!”

KRISTA
Lil Maddy! Don't you dare boo my Lil Maddy, he was a real trooper. He gave me a run for my money...in the bank! Ha! See, I'm not just a pair of tits, I'm a pair of tits with a mastery of simple puns. Back to my Lil Maddy, he was a tough, tough matchup. Though I did bite his nose twice, force him to admit to be hung by his nipples as a grade schooler, sexually aroused him several times in front of his girlfriend, and then made sweet monkey love to that very same girlfriend back at my five star hotel, although that came after the match, so you can't use that to discredit his fine effort.

MELISSA
Three cheers for Landon Maddix?

“LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS!”

MELISSA
I guess I won't be asking any of you to sing for he's a jolly good fellow in his honor.

KRISTA
Proper etiqutte says I'm supposed to thank people, but being nice isn't my strong suit. But I ought to thank Theodore Moneymaker, for making this entire event possible, and offering up 15% of his shares in TSM making it even more joyful when I finally hit the KIDology on Landon Maddix. Theodore, have we learned nothing from the deaths of BIG and Pac? Let's stop the violence and increase the peace, my brother. I know you got a crush on me, but unless you're living some weird version of Single White Female, you don't attack the people you love! Its not a good look! I heard that on BET. Not a good look. Here's something that is a good look, though, thanking my fantastic girls, Maya and the new OAOAST Women's Champion...big smile!...Jade. I love em too pieces, more than any mother could ever love her kids. I probably would've gotten around to evisercating  Landon with a nail file strictly on principle of him having a penis and me hating anything that happens to have that buddah forsaken object. But, when he and his gang of immigrants allowed into this country by the republican's hypocritical immigration policy attacked me, I knew I had to strike back as an example for my daughters. What if Maya was on the playgrou...actually, Maya's a bit of a bully on the playground, and would most likely gather up the immigrant groundskeepers to attack anyone who dare says Joe Jonas is hotter than Zack Effron, must be from her father's side, Duncan girls are as sweet and charming as they can be. And if Jade is on playgrounds at her age...then well that must be from her father's side also, because have you seen any of Leon's movies? Who knows what twisted shit the Rodez are into, when they aren't on camera and bound to the United States laws prohibiting bestiality.

Melissa tries her very best to erase any images of bestiality from her mind.

KRISTA
How did I wrap these things up? Oh, yeah, I got it now. In closing, I will represent the true spirit of the American dream within the OAOAST. I will do as little work as possible, while demanding as much money as possible, and then complain about my unfair work to pay ratio as much as possible. I will not cash in my world title shot, unfairly and unjustly, taking advantage of the world champion's possibly life threatening injuries, hopefully life threatening injuries, better be life threatening injuries, after a hard fought match. I will wait until he's hit by a truck, or bus, or if Alix's time machine ever gets going a T-rex ridden by Eleanor Rosevelt and Janis Joplin, and after his family has a sufficient time to mourn his passing, I'd say a good two minutes, I will pin his splattered and or squished corpse for the world title. I'm not so hip on who the world champ happens to be at this very moment, because he and the number one contender seem to have been trapped in a time warp. Or maybe they said screw the biggest match of our lives, let's go see Tropic Thunder. And I can think of a few Ben Stiller movies I'd rather watch than wrestle for sixty straight minutes in a ring that is neither filled up with chocolate pudding nor a bikini clad team of Alix and Beyonce. Let's see there's Along Came Polly, Startsky and Hutch, Meet The Parents, Dodgeball, Heartbreak Kid 

MELISSA
Madagascar?

KRISTA
I played a turtle in that movie, that's right. Back to my speech, I will not use my half a million dollars to help out the poor, the needy, or the downtrodden. I will use it to buy myself two new winter wardrobes from Bergdorf Goodman's, even though I live in a city where winter weather is seen as often as a competent police force. That is to say never. That is my promise to you as Miss Money In The Bank 2008!

“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”  the audience sings as she happily waves her bouquet to them.


[i]”My dick need no introduction 
Your dick don't even function 

My dick serve the whole luncheon 
Your dick, it look like a munchkin 

My dick size of a pumpkin 
Your dick look like Macaulay Culkin”[/i]

COLE
What the heck is he doing?

The strangest theme song in wrestling history brings out a rather large chorus of jeers from the boobirds. Their chilly reception certainly isn't warmed by the appearance of the  hated Mister Dick, clad in a sparkling blue vest cropped to the chest, rhinestone encrusted black chaps, with white briefs, and a rhinestone encrusted hat, saunters onto the stage. The Human Hard On looks at the pageantry and smirks, as though he can't believe the OAOAST would go to such decorative lengths for Krista. 

KRISTA
Freddy Mercury looks at that outfit and says “Not for all the cocaine in heaven”

MISTER DICK
Now Ain't this a hoot n a holler? I'll get to ya'll in just two shakes of a rattlesnakes tail. I gotta set something straight.

KRISTA
Honey, I don't think there's very much straight about you.

MISTER DICK
Woman, I ain't got no time for foolishness, see! Let the record show that Angleslam, Baron Windells did not beat me! No sir, he did not. Baron Windells could not beat dick if ya gave him a tube of baby oil and instructions in ten languages.

KRISTA
Are you gonna be long, because I don't see my therapist until next Friday and you're starting to induce thoughts of hurting myself and/or others.

MISTER DICK 
I'm gonna be as long as I need to say what needs to get said. Baron Windells ain't nothing but a two timin', match stealin' son of a bitch! I am a legend in San Antonio and for him to do what he done did to me...that boy deserves the ass whuppin of his life. He deserves to get his ass whipped so bad that his next of kin gonna feel it! He deserves to get his ass whupped so bad his nasty mama is gonna feel it! But, he's got a yellow streak running down his back plain as the day is long, and he ain't gonna show when The Human Hard On is around! Baron, you ain't nothin but a coward, boy! And there ain't nothing I hate more than a coward! But believe me your day of reckoning is coming, and  the Dick is gonna be up your ass like flies on horse shit.

KRISTA
Prison Rape looks at you and says “Damn, son, you gay!”

MELISSA
Tell me about it.

MISTER DICK
Ya'll don't understand what I'm trynna say here. Just shut your mealy mouthes, open your damn ears and hear me out. Baron Windells, as far as I'm concerned is a piece of crap! His mama is a piece of crap, his daddy is a piece of crap, his brother is a piece of crap, if he ever have any kids, they're gonna be little pieces of crap running around at the piece crap of family reunion, and I bet they're gonna be retarded to!

“YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!”

KRISTA
Honey, that's lovely, and all, really it is, and I hope you done darn derr get dat done darn derr cow rustlin son of a monkey's uncle, but I'm not Baron. And thank god I'm not, I had a hard enough time fitting into this dress as it is.

MISTER DICK
I know good and well, you ain't no Baron Windells! And he's just one of many things I gotta get off my dick!

KRISTA
Honey, that's between you and a licensed care provider! Are you going to start talking about me any time soon? Because, the edges of this crown are very sharp and I probably will stab you if you don't.

MISTER DICK
I'm gonna start talkin about you right about now! I don't know what kinda magic you pulled, what kinda hoodoo voodoo doodoo crap you did, but somehow that daughter of yer's got the women's title off Malaysia.  You may have paid off the referee, you may have drugged Malaysia good and well, but you better know this, my girl's gonna get her belt back at some point. Makes me so mad to think that she don't have it. You and yer little daughter, yer just like Baron, 'cause ya see-

KRISTA
Its odd, I don't see any flames, or huge red men with pitchforks, or Ronald Regan, but clearly I am in hell.

MISTER DICK
Shaddup! Fine, I'll tell ya why I dragged my ass on out here in the first place, when I should be backstage getting well deserved praises for my role in the Texas Bullrope match. This whole Miss Money In The Bank coronation ceremony, like its some damn beauty pageant, it really sticks in my craw!

KRISTA
Judging from that outfit, I would think you're probably used to having things stick in your craw.

MISTER DICK
I said shaddup! This whole beauty pageant set up is god damn farce as far I'm concerned! All I hear about everyday stinkin' day is the beautiful, and sexy Krista Isadora Duncan. I turn on TV and there's some queer looking freak on some entertainment show and there you are being praised to high heaven about being so damn hot, by a fifty pound eunuch who ain't had pussy since pussy had him! I read Newspapers and everyone of 'em wants to talk about how you cleaned up on the beauty pageant circuit when you were younger. I read Maxim and I watch VH1 and I hear 'em all say that you're one of the ten most hottest women in the world!

Krista nods and turns to the cheering audience to say “Guilty as charged”

MISTER DICK
And I say that ain't bullshit, you're a fine leg of lamb don't get me wrong. But what is bullshit is that they, and the OAOAST itself, wanna ignore the hottest cut of beef on this here planet...The Cocky Prick...MISTER DICK!

“BOOOOOOOO!” scream the fans, as some offer MD a hateful thumbs down. Krista, not surprisingly, has entirely lost interest in the proceedings and turns to Melissa.

KRISTA
So, Melissa, let's get to know each other a bit better. I always like to put a personality behind the young lady I'm about to sexually harass. What's your take on televised female nudity?

MISTER DICK
Woman, I am speaking to you!

MELISSA
I am okay with it, if its tasteful.

KRISTA
Hmmm...I see a fat guy with a faux hawk wearing a shirt that says “Swallow or its going in your eye” and a man who's no doubt a registered voter and has as much power over who the next president is as a Harvard MBA wearing a shirt that says “I shaved my balls for this”. I don't think television gets more tasteful! So, what do you say, Melissa? I know its hard for a classy dame such as yourself to take off your clothes in front of eighteen thousand people, but I have the solution to that problem, I'll take off your clothes in front of eighteen thousand people.

“YEAAAAAAA!” the audience screams, growing louder as Krista makes a move for the straps on Melissa's dress.

MISTER DICK
Ain't nobody in hell wanna see Melissa Nerdly's floppy farm girl donkey tities!

“BOOOOO!”  is the response MD earns from his fellow Texans, as Melissa reacts with a hurt frown.

MISTER DICK
Back to you Krista. Yeah, you're hotter than a whorehouse on nickel night, I'll give ya that. Yer the hottest celebrity in tinsel town. And ya got the awards and praises to prove it. But, how hard is it for ya to beat out some emaciated, skinny as all get out, Hollywood stick figures lookin like they're a missed meal away from vanishing altogether? These women yer competin' against, ain't got nothin on em, no shape, no figure, no meat, no hottness.  They're so thin a strong gust of wind could probably blow em to Vancouver! You're talkin to 'em one second, you turn away for a quick bit, then you turn back and they're flying through the air like Mary Poppins!

KRISTA
Hey, those are my friends, you're talking about. Yes, I have friends. No, I don't keep them by my side by gunpoint. Only knife point.

MISTER DICK
And yer beauty pageants, that just makes me wanna have a good chuckle. You probably got a whole wall full of tiaras and sashes from all the ones you won, dontcha, Miss California? So you won a few Miss Teen Californias, maybe the runner up at Miss Teen USA. All you did was beat a couple of underdeveloped, flat chested, air headed brats! I seen beauty pageants before. You walk, you smile, and you look good, and that's it. And you looked better than darn there anyone, so congratulations on that. Congratulations on your Miss Californias, Miss Fitness USA, Maxim hottest woman, People most beautiful people, all that crap. But, I'm out here to tell ya they don't amount to a hill of beans in Mister Dick's book! You ain't never competed against the type of human being who keeps himself in the type of condition I do. Naw naw. One look at me and Michaelangelo woulda brought a sledge hammer to the statue of David because he woulda known the ideal man lies behind this flashy, sexy, perfect outfit! I walk into a city and I stop traffic well into the next state, people get out of their cars and stare for hours on hours like an alien just landed, because my beauty is out of this world. Heterosexual, homosexual, it don't matter what you are, I send your heart fluttering, and your jaw dropping, and have you coming out the closet as a devout Dickosexual. I am The Human Hard On and I turn everybody on. I am the holy grail of sexiness, a night with me is a night in Heaven's arms. You ain't never been put against someone like me. Someone that defies God's own laws of beauty, someone that exudes hot heated throbbing sex!

Melissa makes a gagging motion behind Mister Dick's back, and the audience groans in annoyance with MD's unbelievable arrogance. 

MISTER DICK
You might be able to beat Mister Ed in a beauty competition, maybe Mister McMahon, or Mister Potato Head, but, baby, you best pull in your horns if you think you can beat Mister Dick!

KRISTA
Listen here, Dickie, I was sculpting and toning this red hot booty, through hundreds of lunges, and leg extensions and Alix's extreme fascination with spanking, while you were out punching slabs of meat at Paulie's meat packing plant and chasing chickens with Mickey Goldmill, I don't know if that's what you wrestlers do to train, but Rocky is my only frame of reference so there ya go. Anyway, I didn't go through a week of not being able sit down without incurring horrific excruciating agony because Alix forgot the safe word, so someone like you could make it seem like kicking Eva Mendes' BUTT in the AskMen.com's “Best Hollywood Ass” reader poll don't stomp all over my two masters degrees from Standford, and your six packed stomach you probably got from my exercise videos. Hell, lord knows my bouncing boobs in those things are probably how how you got such strong wrists.

COACH
She means...

COLE
I know what she means!

KRISTA
I didn't win those awards because my competition was as strong as Vinny Valentine's chances of remaining employed past the new year, I won because I have a killer rack, and ass you could bounce a quarter off, beautiful blue eyes, great hair, a killer smile, cute dimples, and a voice so sexy I could talk someone into throwing their grandmother off a speeding bus, which sadly I know from experience, may that poor woman's soul rest in peace, and if I had known I'd shut down the 101 for five hours I never would've suggested it.

MISTER DICK
Then I guess you better prove it, little woman, because The Human Hard On ain't backing down from any word I just claimed. You can flaunt that T&A until the cows come home, but if you ain't willing to put it on the line against the guy that could make Ellen wanna hit it raw dog, than what everybody says about you don't mean nothing!

MELISSA
Then how do you propose you and Krista settle this?

The Human Hard On grins with a mischievous satisfaction 

MISTER DICK
A HeldDOWN~! PoseDOWN~! Next week on OAOAST HeldDOWN~! And, if yer so confident, that you're the hottest hottie  in the OAOAST, you won't mind putting up that Money In The Bank briefcase. 

The audience loudly cheers such an idea, though most aren't enamored with MD's participation in the match, only his rival's.

KRISTA
Oh, honey, you can have the briefcase, it doesn't match anything I own. I just need the money, and the world title shot.

MISTER DICK
That's what I meant!

MELISSA
Krista, what do you say?

KRISTA
Slow the drunk train down, my southwestern ladybug, this thing had to be earned over a two month, sixteen man tournament full of the most grueling intense matches this company has ever seen, and you want me to put it up in a bikini contest that'd take about five minutes, or however long mass ejaculations usually do? Okay sure, why not.  Bring it on, let's rumble, don't sing it bring it, let's do it, let's war, if ya smell what the Kris is cookin, don't turn your back on the wolfpac, I'm just a sexy boy I'm not your boy toy, best there is best there was best there ever will be, ooooooh what a rush, whatever it is you suck ass wrestler's say in this situation. I'm usually just amazed that you're capable of forming complete sentences, to actually pay attention to the grade school level content. Mommy, I speakey the big boy words now, I'm not so stupid!

MELISSA
There we have it-

MISTER DICK
One more thing, I ain't gonna leave it up to the obviously biased fans to decide the winner! I'm gonna handpick the judges, who are gonna prove once and for all, who's got the finest body walking this earth.

MELISSA
There you have it! Next week on HeldDOWN~! Mister Dick versus Miss Money In The Bank Krista Isadora Duncan in a HeldDOWN~! PoseDOWN~!

Locking his eyes on Krista's chest, Mister Dick backs away with an expression of unimpressed contempt on his face. As his music plays over the speaks, Krista eyes him down with a strong disgust.

Edited September 8, 2008 by Patty O'Green