OAOAST Syndicated 10/21/08

[Patty O'Green 0]

 

Brought to you by American Express

Taped: October 15th, 2008

First air date: October 18th, 2008 (check local listings for airings in your area)

Announce team: Tony Schiavone and Jesse "The Body" Ventura

Lead correspondent: Tony Brannigan

 

If you're lower or middle class or maybe just a cheap bastard, I wouldn't associate with you because I only live b-i-g style smell me, but if you live in San Juan chances are you missed out on HeldDOWN. But that didn't mean you had to miss out on the OAOAST entirely, as our yeoman midcarders and enhancement talent continued their tireless to struggle to gain some recognition and a push on Syndicated at a local arena. On hand to do guest commentating was Puerto Rico's own PRL. Whether I quote anything he said depends on my level of laziness. Levels currently at high.

 

What better way to kick off Syndicated then with full frontal female nudity? What better way, indeed. Unfortunately, you're just gonna have settle for Biff Atlas, glad to be clad in goalie gear once again.

 

 

Those who didn't immediately run for the exits at the sight of Biff were "treated" to Atlas explaining that his constant run-ins with Los Diablos distracted from the greatest danger facing sports entertainment today, the fans! Biff again blamed the OAOAST Marks' (trademark pending) insatiable lusting for carnage, and their demands for violence as the reason working for the OAOAST is "the most dangerous job in the galaxy." "Someone shut this goof the hell up" PRL complained. His orders fell on death ears as Biff noted that each and everyone of the audience was responsible for every wrestler in the history of the sport that's bound to a wheelchair or has to inject painkillers just to walk. Biff said he will be the brave leader in the "quest for good" and again take a stand against the fans, and produced his signatureless petition calling to banish the paying customer from all arenas. He challenged the "cowards of the oaoast to stand up and do the right thing and forbid the blood thirsty psychopaths from ever attending an OAOAST show." Shockingly, it only took several seconds before the music of a performer willing to answer Biff's call hit. Unfortunately that music was "Its Raining Men" and those performers were his hated rivals, Los Diablos De Fuego. The mexican duo did not come alone, however, accompanied by a catering service, a table, and wealth of tools and ingredients to prepare a salad. Yummy!

 

Emboldened by being dressed in almost as much padding as the michilien man, Atlas ordered his usual tormentors to take a hike as he had serious business to conduct. Los Diablos were unwilling to leave, however, expressing that they believed in Biff's cause. As shocking as this was, it was even more amazing to hear them say they'd be willing to sign the petition. Of course there was a catch, before they'd put pen to paper Biff would have to put tongue to ass and TOSS DAT SALAD! "The ultimate test of Biff's principals" Puerto Rican commented, probably wondering why he wasn't just hanging backstage playing NBA 2K9 like everyone else of worth. In a disturbing bit of character development, Biffy announced he was willing to eat BUTT crack for a safer tomorrow! Damn, that's a dude that's DOWN FOR THE CAUSE. You think Lincoln woulda tebagged Jefferson Davis to free the slaves? Anyway, Biff begin preparing himself for tossing metaphorical salad by actually tossing a literal salad with the catering utensils. Los Diablos were so giddy that this previous unreceptive stud was willing to succumb to their desires they hardly begrudged him his need to have an appetizer before he had his double helpings of man ass. They were noticeably less giddy when Biff suddenly whirled around and rammed his blocker into Moracca's face. Down went Moracca, never to get back up thanks to two more blocker shots from Atlas. Mariachi pounced on Atlas but was no match for well protected safety nut. Atlas' padding absorbed his blows, before he reared back and uppercutted the luchadore with his blocker. Mariachi was lifted off his feet, coming down brutally through the catering table! A tombstone of lettuce, tomatto and many other food stuffs marked his humiliating grave. As the audience booed Biiff's behavior, he held up a salad bowl in genuine triumph as though he just won the stanley cup. Frankly, considering that Biff fails at everything, this pretty much is his Stanley Cup. Biff then shattered the bowl on Mariachi's head, freeing him to get his petition and a pen. He held the KO'ed Diablos hand, and made their names the first two to be added to his petition! We went to commercial break with Biff celebrating his revenge over Los Diablos and promising the Puerto Ricans this will be the last OAOAST show they'll ever see live. If you've seen something better than a guy in goalie gear laying the beats on two dudes dolled up like pink devils, you, my friend, live a good life. A good life.

 

***Nathaniel Black Vs Baron Windells***

Mackenzie DeCenzo joined this contest for commentary and was unusually cordial to the workd champion. Though we would soon find out that's because she thought he was Erik Estrada, and she's a big fan of CHiPs. Who isn't? Nathaniel Black probably isn't and I can guarantee he's no fan of Baron Windells as a prematch promo heard him label The Lonestar Gunslinger as a guy who gets by on looks, and treating wrestling like its a drunken brawl in the pub. Black said pro wrestling has the duality of being a graceful and painful art form, and he will show BW the best of both worlds. As Baron made his way out to a large pop, Mackenzie explained her presence as doing extra scouting for Mister Moneymaker. PRL wondered if The Deadly Alliance were watching this match as well to see if either men were worthy of being offered a spot as the "5th roody poo candy ass in the deadly alliance". Schiavone wondered aloud how strong Black's loyalty's to the CI would be if he were offered the 5th spot in the DA.

 

Black began the bout with a series of arm drags, designed more to showcase his "beautiful" style of wrestling than to do much damage to BW. A sarcastic "do more than arm drags" chant broke out, leading an angered Black to do just that by chucking Windells over the ropes. He taunted a booing audience, totally unaware that the former tag champion had landed on the ring apron and was making a hasty move towards the top rope. As Black turned around Windells comes off the top with a double axe handle smash. But, Black quickly countered by driving in elbow into his ripped stomach. As Windells is doubled over in pain, his foe had an easy time of trapping him into a standing arm lock. While the audience rallied around the Texan, Mackenzie noted that Baron is playing a deadly game by not having a stable to back him up in the dangerous jungles of the OAOAST. But Baron needed nobody but himself to power out of of Black's arm lock. The Gunslinger took the fight to his foe with a trio of punches, but Black was able to withstand the blows in order to irish whip Windells away from him. But when BW made his return he put himself back on the attack by forcing Black to bite his shiny metal ass! From there Windells took down the Englishman with three straight lariats, but missed the fourth one causing him to look for the Myspace Comeback. But Black saw this move coming and met it by taking BW down with a crippler crossface! Pain scorched a trail through every part of Windell's muscular figure. Despite this and Black's insistence to submit, BW managed to fight his way to his feet. After breaking out of Black's hold, he lobbed another lariat at him but was once again brought down by a crippler crossface. Even with his incredible submission skills and vice grip like lock, the surly Brit could not keep down his rival. Powering back to his feet once more, Baron tried to overtake Black with a back suplex, but the master technician countered by slipping out and hooking him into a sleeper hold! But again the might of BW won over the technique of Black and he was able to maneuverer the six man champion onto his shoulders in a standing fireman's carry. He could not hold the slippery wrestler there for long as Black succeeded in sliding out of his grip and coming down in front of BW. Windells adjusted to the counter quickly enough to boot Black in the stomach and strike him with the Brigham Young Cocktail (leaping DDT) that spelled the end for Black.

 

Winner: Baron Windells via pinfall.

 

While Baron celebrated atop the turnbuckles, Mackenzie offered him high praise by stating she had many good things to report back to Teddy. PRL wondered why Moneymaker just didn't watch the show himself to which everyone had a good laugh at the absurdity of that!

 

Backstage the man that keeps Syndicated on the air, Biff Atlas was walking through the hallways with never before seen swagger and never before smelled funk. Seriously, hockey equipment smells like booty! Biff's one man victory parade ran into the one woman wall known as OAOAST President Josie Baker. His confidence level at all time high, Biff thought nothing of ripping the cigarette out her mouth and disposing of it in the proper receptacle. Josie was not necessarily enamored with health conscious offense, but minded her manners and told Biff she was impressed with his treatment of Los Diablos. So impressed in fact that she was rewarding him a title shot. Atlas was elated, figuring that if he had the world title he'd gain vehicle to reach a larger audience with his messages for a fan free wrestling show. Shaking her head apologetically, Josie told Biff that he misunderstood her and would not be receiving a world title shot. Biff wasn't the slightest bit upset, reasoning that the IC title was a worthy substitute. But again, Biff misunderstood Josie. The title he'd be receiving a shot at was the Heartland Title against Sandman.

 

BIFF

 

Remaining as predictable and mundane and formulaic as its always been, Syndicated trotted out a man dressed as a giant piece of bacon. This tasty morsel of pork announced his name as Ideal Bacon, the prototype for the perfect strip of bacon. He claimed that he was the blueprint all pieces of bacon should aspire to be, and that he is the most powerful force in the breakfast food industry. There isn't a fork or knife alive that can cut him down. Ideal Bacon is breakfast's living legend. He said that he will prove time and time again that he is the tastiest strip of bacon in the skillet, and nobody can prove him wrong!

 

***Ideal Bacon -Vs- Brock Ausstin***

PRL reminded us that bacon is a versatile meat, adding flavor and texture to sandwiches of the breakfast, lunch and dinner variety! In the time it took to say that Brock choked the tasty morsel out with a front guillotine. BUT YOU CAN'T CHOKE SILENCE BACON STEVE LESSNAR! Ideal Bacon warned the OAOAST nation that there will be more fattening breakfast meats where he came from. Let's hope so, I'm kind of hungry.

 

Winner: Brock Ausstin, via submission

 

Outside the arena, the only man that could make the previous segment appear respectable, Spanish Fly, was back to extolling his revolutionary theories on professional wrestling to anyone who would listen. In other words no one. The lack of audience didn't stop Fly form espousing his own personal rule changes to the way wrestling is to be contested. From now on who pinned who would not matter. Winning and losing in the traditional sense was a thing of the past, and style points were the future. He who has the most style points, has the victory. Of course Fly didn't mention this theory may have come from the fact that he hasn't won a match since 2006. But, PRL certainly did. Several times.

 

Elsewhere Melissa Nerdly caught up with Jamie O'Hara. Melissa didn't seem overly interested in interviewing O'Hara, but The Birmingham Bad Boy had no problem finding the energy to lay into his foe for tonight, the previously seen Spanish Fly. He dubbed his rule changes idiotic, called him ugly, and in a rather vulgar way insinuated he was the byproduct of a drunk farmer fornicating a sheep. He promised to pay tribute to the world champion by taking Fly's style points "turning them sideways and sticking them straight up Fly's candy ass". If all else fails suck up to the hometown hero!

 

***Spanish Fly -VS- Jamie O'Hara***

We're picking up a feud that was started and then forgotten about until I'd say three minutes ago! Ah, the Syndicated way. Fly was kind enough to present O'Hara with a simple guideline of the revolutionary "Style points" system. Sadly the brit just wasn't as forward thinking as his foe and ripped the explanation of the system to shreds. None too pleased about this insult, Fly speared O'Hara to the ground for two style points. Quickly getting back to their feet the two cruiserweights traded arm drags, before O'Hara earned three style points by reversing one into a monkeyflip. Fly would however gain a style point by landing on his boots but quickly lose it after being brought down by a victory roll. The Spanish sensation did find himself on the offense for a brief bit when he countered O'Hara's springboard moonsault into a dropkick. 5 style points! Fly tried to go to work on O'Hara's legs with a simple figure 4, but the Birmingham Bad Boy would have none of that and promptly pushed him away. The high fliers returned to trading their death defying moves, their coming to a close when Fly turned a slingshot hurricanrana into a running powerbomb. 15 style points! That big move created the window of opportunity Fly needed to get to work on O'Hara's legs. The 4'11 superstar then decided to go for the coveted 100 style point move, the Fly Swatter. Up he went to the top rope, where he patiently awaited his foe's rise. Once O'Hara lifted himself off the canvas Fly struck with his finisher. But as Fly flew off the ropes, O'Hara fly through the air and caught him with an amazing head scissors. Fly quickly scampered to his feet but walked directly into the Black Russian Legsweep! Earning a huge ovation from the fans, O'Hara leapt to the top rope to "layeth the smacketh downeth on Fly's sorry monkey looking ass" according to PRL. Moments later he came off with the move that put away the luckless cruiserweight the Dime Store High (shooting star leg drop). "Fly would be the perfect candidate for the 5th man for the Deadly Alliance, because flies are attracted to crap, and the Deadly Alliance is one big piece of monkey crap!" the champ quipped as referee Charles Robinson helped the loser to his feet.

 

Winner: Jamie O'Hara via pinfall

Winner by style points: Spanish Fly!

HALLOWEEN SPECTACULAR

OCTOBER 31st LIVE ON TSM!

WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: Tha Puerto Rican (Champion) vs. Alfdogg (Challenger) vs. Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix vs. Bohemoth vs. Brickston

4 WAY TAG TITLE MATCH: Deadly Alliance Vs The In Crowd Vs The Enterprise Vs Cucaracha Internacional

Krista Isadora Duncan and Jade Rodez-Duncan vs. Mr. Dick and Malaysia Nerdly

Winners of the HeldDOWN battle royal compete for the right to face the champion at November Reign.

Heartland Halloween Hootenanny

On the interview stage Tony Brannigan held the microphone to the long forgotten James Riggs. The main question at hand was why was Riggs' the long forgotten James Riggs. JR said he had no clue why he hadn't been a featured player on OAOAST TV, and said it used to bug him, but now he no longer cares. He stated that he realizes that OAOAST is a garbage dump for the world's miscreants and he wants no part of it. His only desire left in the OAOAST is to leave it. Brannigan asked if this meant he was openly quitting. Riggs said its nothing of the sort, as quitting means he wouldn't get the rest of the money on his contract. His wish is to be fired and collect his cash. He left us by giving the caution that he will do whatever it takes to get fired.

***Heartland Title: Sandman9000 -Vs- Biff Atlas***

 

One might think the guy in the goalie gear has an advantage over the guy in bandages, but one might have never seen the morose tale of Biff Atlas! Such a sad story was made even sadder and quite a bit more gruesome when Sandy began the contest by chucking Atlas over the steel barricade. There they brawled in front of the roaring fans, Biff able to stage some defense with the aid of his goalie helmet. Yet, Atlas' run of competency ran out soon enough when Sandman back body dropped him onto a row of vacated steel chairs. Mere moments after that a die hard Deadly Alliance fan, dressed as Alfdogg even, began handing the champion chairs to pummel his foe with. This continued until Biff found a wheel chair bound audience member. Rather than dump the fan out his wheelchair and throw the chair at his foe. Biff dumped the fan out his wheelchair and threw the fan at Sandman! That bit of treachery only earned Biff a two count and a broken heart. Sandman then attempted to give him a broken neck by DDTing him onto the concrete. Eventually Sandman guided Biff back into the ring, where Atlas was able to use his leg pads to do considerable damage to Sandman's chest. So much so that it looked like he might've actually been able to finish him off with a mere running corner splash (remember he's wearing huge pads!). But, Sandman pulled elderly referee Clem Buzzlefoxer in as a shield and the WW2 vet was KO'ed by the wannabe goaltender. Biff however as able to score the Always Wear Safety Goggles (running knee, or waddling knee in his case) made even more impactful by his gigantic leg pads. Unfortunately, the upset of the year would be delayed a little longer as Clem was still in a deep sleep. Tony Tourettes came down the entrance ramp lugging a chainsaw (!), but before he could pass it to Biff and receive a stern reprimand for running with a chainsaw a fan threw a bottle at him and knocked him out. "All the more reason to ban you filth merchants from the show" Biff shouted through his goalie helmet. But those would be the last words from Atlas as when he tried his OHSAA Approved Powerbomb, the champion fought out to end the match (and possibly Biff's life) with the PSYCHO DRIVAH~!

 

Winner and still Heartland champion: Sandman9000 via knockout

 

There was one beautiful silver lining and a painfully dark cloud for Atlas; Sandman made his signature the third on the petition to rid the OAOAST off that vile disease known as paying customers.